Curious what The Knot thinks about this

lyndausvi

My parents were "clean you plate" people when we were young.  I think it stems from them growing up towards the end of the depression.  My mom is the youngest of 8. She was born after the depression, but her siblings lived through it.   Times were different then.  Food options were limited.  Money was scarce.   You ate what was given to you because, well there was no money for anything else.

There days there are so many food options.  Kids know there are other options.  Often the parents have the financial ability to have many food options available. Kids these days have the luxury of being able to be picky.  Back in my parent's days that was not the case at all.  

My parents learned from their parents.  However, they modified it a little and had us fill our own plates.   So it was more, "you better eat what you take."  We learned early that you can always get more if you wanted, so do not take too much at first.

We had to have at least one piece of everything.   So if there was an item you didn't like you still had to take a small piece or 2, but we were not forced to eat an entire plate of something we didn't like.  

 I don't remember any of us having battles with food with our parents.  At home we ate what was cooked, at restaurants we got anything we wanted.   We knew the difference and often begged them to take us out to eat

My parents started making us help cook pretty early.  So we had an active role on what was going to be cooked.   I think that helped too.

Like anything there needs to be a balance and you need to know your kids.  I don't think it's fair to ask working parents to make 4 different meals because all 4 of their kids eat different things.  But making a kid clean a plate of something they don't like can cause other issues.    

There is no one size fits all solution.

ILoveBeachMusic

lyndausvi said:

My parents were "clean you plate" people when we were young.  I think it stems from them growing up towards the end of the depression.  My mom is the youngest of 8. She was born after the depression, but her siblings lived through it.   Times were different then.  Food options were limited.  Money was scarce.   You ate what was given to you because, well there was no money for anything else.

There days there are so many food options.  Kids know there are other options.  Often the parents have the financial ability to have many food options available. Kids these days have the luxury of being able to be picky.  Back in my parent's days that was not the case at all.  

My parents learned from their parents.  However, they modified it a little and had us fill our own plates.   So it was more, "you better eat what you take."  We learned early that you can always get more if you wanted, so do not take too much at first.

We had to have at least one piece of everything.   So if there was an item you didn't like you still had to take a small piece or 2, but we were not forced to eat an entire plate of something we didn't like.  

 I don't remember any of us having battles with food with our parents.  At home we ate what was cooked, at restaurants we got anything we wanted.   We knew the difference and often begged them to take us out to eat

My parents started making us help cook pretty early.  So we had an active role on what was going to be cooked.   I think that helped too.

Like anything there needs to be a balance and you need to know your kids.  I don't think it's fair to ask working parents to make 4 different meals because all 4 of their kids eat different things.  But making a kid clean a plate of something they don't like can cause other issues.    

There is no one size fits all solution.

When my kids were little, they had to take a bite of everything on their plate. Tastes change as children mature, if they don't try something how are they going to know if they like it or not? To the bolded - I think it is unfair to ask any parent to make different meals for everyone. I say offer  healthy meals but if a kid doesn't eat it, that is their choice. I would say that only healthy options should be available later in the evening (no ice cream and cookies). Now that my children are adults, I try to keep in mind their preferences when we are all together for meals.

SaintPaulGal

lyndausvi said:

My parents were "clean you plate" people when we were young.  I think it stems from them growing up towards the end of the depression.  My mom is the youngest of 8. She was born after the depression, but her siblings lived through it.   Times were different then.  Food options were limited.  Money was scarce.   You ate what was given to you because, well there was no money for anything else.

There days there are so many food options.  Kids know there are other options.  Often the parents have the financial ability to have many food options available. Kids these days have the luxury of being able to be picky.  Back in my parent's days that was not the case at all.  

My parents learned from their parents.  However, they modified it a little and had us fill our own plates.   So it was more, "you better eat what you take."  We learned early that you can always get more if you wanted, so do not take too much at first.

We had to have at least one piece of everything.   So if there was an item you didn't like you still had to take a small piece or 2, but we were not forced to eat an entire plate of something we didn't like.  

 I don't remember any of us having battles with food with our parents.  At home we ate what was cooked, at restaurants we got anything we wanted.   We knew the difference and often begged them to take us out to eat

My parents started making us help cook pretty early.  So we had an active role on what was going to be cooked.   I think that helped too.

Like anything there needs to be a balance and you need to know your kids.  I don't think it's fair to ask working parents to make 4 different meals because all 4 of their kids eat different things.  But making a kid clean a plate of something they don't like can cause other issues.    

There is no one size fits all solution.

Sounds like we had a pretty similar food upbringing.  Eat what you take, don't be wasteful, try some of everything, and get involved in the cooking.  

My mom was also always big on making new foods exciting.  "Today is the day you get to try ____ for the first time!  What a delightful adventure!"  It's amazing how powerful attitude can be.  I eat *everything* now, and I credit that to my mom's style of making all foods seem fun.  True, I had to eat my food and I didn't have a choice of a different meal.  But she made it seem like a privilege rather than a chore.

My partner, on the other hand, got to eat absolutely whatever he wanted and it lead to some really disordered eating well into adulthood.  When we met he had literally never tasted a carrot or a chicken breast or all sorts of other super basic, normal foods--let alone anything exotic.  His parents never encouraged or forced him to try anything new, so he ate exclusively the dozen or so individual menu items that he had been eating since he was a toddler.  He actually developed a phobia that he would throw up if he ate something different because he literally never had within his span of memory.  One of the things I appreciate most about him is that he did a lot of work on himself to get over this in order to make our relationship work.  I never gave him an ultimatum or told him he had to change for me, but he saw on his own how difficult it would have been for us to make a life together with me as an adventurous foodie and him eating the same 3 or 4 meals every single day.  Now that he pushed past his mental block he is making up for lost time, and we have all sorts of culinary adventures together!

AddieCake

We didn't have to clean our plates, but we did have to eat X amount of everything before my parents would consider us finished. 

Viczaesar

MesmrEwe said:

IMO - pick up the phone - there may be a dietary consideration that needs to be taken into account.  But yea - not buying a 3yo a steak - just say'n!  And, I don't care whether it's a $100 one or $10 one. 

That's a shitty attitude.

madamerwin

AddieCake said:

We didn't have to clean our plates, but we did have to eat X amount of everything before my parents would consider us finished. 

Same. Though we usually had to finish our vegetables - especially if we wanted seconds of something else. Parents didn't really care about the rest of it, as long as we ate our vegetables.

I don't remember how my parents got us to eat new foods, but I don't remember not liking vegetables. The only thing I didn't love as a kid was cooked carrots, but I would eat them anyway because it was never really considered an option not to eat vegetables.

SP29

I grew up with the "clean your plate" mentality. Not that they forced us, spanked us, or made us starve, but it was the idea of don't waste food- don't take it if you don't want it. Worked out better with me than one of my brothers, because I love food, so I ate pretty much everything anyway . I still think this way- I MUST clean my plate or else I feel like I'm wasting it, so I'm working on taking smaller portions. I don't eat food if I don't like it though. DH will, and that definitely comes from his parents, particularly his dad who lived through communism in Hungary; when you had food in front of you, you ate it!

I don't think children should be forced to eat all their food, or if they don't like something, though I think they should at least try it first. I also do not think any parent should cater to the whims of their child and make a bunch of different meals. X is for dinner, try it, if you really don't like it, then you can have some fruit or a PB&J sandwich.

MairePoppy

My husband's parents were 'clean your plate' parents. My husband just slipped anything he didn't want to his trusty cocker spaniel.The dog loved kidneys.

My parents were lax. We filled our own plates and were encouraged, not forced, to try everything. If mom made something she knew we didn't like, we were allowed to make sandwiches or eat leftovers. There were no frozen dinners or hot pockets in the freezer so plan b was a healthy alternative. At the table, we learned manners and chatted about what everyone had done that day. Dinner was more about family time, than food, in our house. It was the same with my extended family members. 

GlamQueenBride

My parents didn't make us clean our plates, but my mom was super strict about what we had to eat. She'd take things away if we didn't eat what she wanted us to. So if she promised to take us swimming, she'd say that she'll only take us if we each eat an apple or something. She also was big on forcing us to eat vegetables by not letting us leave the table until we did. I still remember when I was little, I sat at the table for 5 hours by myself one day crying because I didn't want the tomatoes in the salad. I ate everything else, including all the other veggies in the salad, but at the end there were a bunch of tomato slices left over and she refused to let me leave the table until I ate them. To this day, I never touch a tomato. Even when I get sandwiches from the store or restaurant, I ask for it without tomatoes. I'm the same way with brussel sprouts because she did the same thing with those one day, to the point that I was so tired of sitting at the table by myself for so long that I ate them so fast that I actually threw up a about 20 minutes later. Then later that night, I threw up again and again every time I thought about them. I still won't eat them.

flantastic

SaintPaulGal said:

lyndausvi said:

My parents were "clean you plate" people when we were young.  I think it stems from them growing up towards the end of the depression.  My mom is the youngest of 8. She was born after the depression, but her siblings lived through it.   Times were different then.  Food options were limited.  Money was scarce.   You ate what was given to you because, well there was no money for anything else.

There days there are so many food options.  Kids know there are other options.  Often the parents have the financial ability to have many food options available. Kids these days have the luxury of being able to be picky.  Back in my parent's days that was not the case at all.  

My parents learned from their parents.  However, they modified it a little and had us fill our own plates.   So it was more, "you better eat what you take."  We learned early that you can always get more if you wanted, so do not take too much at first.

We had to have at least one piece of everything.   So if there was an item you didn't like you still had to take a small piece or 2, but we were not forced to eat an entire plate of something we didn't like.  

 I don't remember any of us having battles with food with our parents.  At home we ate what was cooked, at restaurants we got anything we wanted.   We knew the difference and often begged them to take us out to eat

My parents started making us help cook pretty early.  So we had an active role on what was going to be cooked.   I think that helped too.

Like anything there needs to be a balance and you need to know your kids.  I don't think it's fair to ask working parents to make 4 different meals because all 4 of their kids eat different things.  But making a kid clean a plate of something they don't like can cause other issues.    

There is no one size fits all solution.

Sounds like we had a pretty similar food upbringing.  Eat what you take, don't be wasteful, try some of everything, and get involved in the cooking.  

My mom was also always big on making new foods exciting.  "Today is the day you get to try ____ for the first time!  What a delightful adventure!"  It's amazing how powerful attitude can be.  I eat *everything* now, and I credit that to my mom's style of making all foods seem fun.  True, I had to eat my food and I didn't have a choice of a different meal.  But she made it seem like a privilege rather than a chore.

My partner, on the other hand, got to eat absolutely whatever he wanted and it lead to some really disordered eating well into adulthood.  When we met he had literally never tasted a carrot or a chicken breast or all sorts of other super basic, normal foods--let alone anything exotic.  His parents never encouraged or forced him to try anything new, so he ate exclusively the dozen or so individual menu items that he had been eating since he was a toddler.  He actually developed a phobia that he would throw up if he ate something different because he literally never had within his span of memory.  One of the things I appreciate most about him is that he did a lot of work on himself to get over this in order to make our relationship work.  I never gave him an ultimatum or told him he had to change for me, but he saw on his own how difficult it would have been for us to make a life together with me as an adventurous foodie and him eating the same 3 or 4 meals every single day.  Now that he pushed past his mental block he is making up for lost time, and we have all sorts of culinary adventures together!

The "Bringing Up Bebe" book about how French kids are (including that they will generally eat all kinds of things) basically claims that it is because the parents make it about how they get to try this new delicious food and less about "you need to eat this because it's good for you." Health food is not a motivator for children. So yeah, I think attitude does play a role in whether or not dinner is fun or a chore. I'm also certain they don't force them to clean their plate. ETA: But I also think they aren't usually offered an alternate meal.

drunkenwitch

The rule in my house was we had to TRY something at least once, if we didn't like it, we weren't forced to eat it. Because of that I was always willing to try something knowing I could decline if I didn't like it.  We didn't so much have a clean your plate rule as we had a "don't let your eyes get bigger than your stomach".  If you put in your plate, you had to eat it, bro and I learned real fast to take small portions.  My mom believed in eating small or moderate portions and going back for seconds if you were still hungry.  If you were hungry a couple hours later you were welcome to heat up some leftovers or have some fruit or carrot sticks. 

I'm so grateful for that because that is how I eat to this day.  I take small portions, eat slowly and go back for seconds if I'm still hungry.   I stop eating when I'm full and I love trying new foods and recipes. 

kvruns

drunkenwitch said:

The rule in my house was we had to TRY something at least once, if we didn't like it, we weren't forced to eat it. Because of that I was always willing to try something knowing I could decline if I didn't like it.  We didn't so much have a clean your plate rule as we had a "don't let your eyes get bigger than your stomach".  If you put in your plate, you had to eat it, bro and I learned real fast to take small portions.  My mom believed in eating small or moderate portions and going back for seconds if you were still hungry.  If you were hungry a couple hours later you were welcome to heat up some leftovers or have some fruit or carrot sticks. 

I'm so grateful for that because that is how I eat to this day.  I take small portions, eat slowly and go back for seconds if I'm still hungry.   I stop eating when I'm full and I love trying new foods and recipes. 

that's how I eat too and H is always like why are you eating so little you know you'll be hungry later and want a snack. and it is true that my snack isn't always as good but I dont want to stuff myself

drunkenwitch

kvruns said:

drunkenwitch said:

The rule in my house was we had to TRY something at least once, if we didn't like it, we weren't forced to eat it. Because of that I was always willing to try something knowing I could decline if I didn't like it.  We didn't so much have a clean your plate rule as we had a "don't let your eyes get bigger than your stomach".  If you put in your plate, you had to eat it, bro and I learned real fast to take small portions.  My mom believed in eating small or moderate portions and going back for seconds if you were still hungry.  If you were hungry a couple hours later you were welcome to heat up some leftovers or have some fruit or carrot sticks. 

I'm so grateful for that because that is how I eat to this day.  I take small portions, eat slowly and go back for seconds if I'm still hungry.   I stop eating when I'm full and I love trying new foods and recipes. 

that's how I eat too and H is always like why are you eating so little you know you'll be hungry later and want a snack. and it is true that my snack isn't always as good but I dont want to stuff myself

 Same with me. My appetite is not predictable and I never know how much fuel I need on any given day. BF teases me that somedays he has to remind me to eat and other days he fears getting anywhere near my food or I'll stab him with my fork.

Heffalump

I'll weigh in on this:

1.  I do think it's crappy to say that a young guest has no choice in their meal, when older guests usually do. 

2.  When my brother got married, he was kind enough to give us a choice of the kids' chicken fingers for my daughter (who was also his FG) or a smaller portion of the adult meal.  For the life of me, I don't remember what the adult meal was, but I do remember that she chose that and ate it happily.  I really appreciated it.

3.  I agree that there is no one-size fits all approach with kids.  My oldest would eat nearly anything at that age (her favorite food was crawfish, of all things), but as she's gotten older she's gone through bouts of not liking certain things.  My youngest, OTOH, used to be a lot pickier, and as he has gotten older he has broadened his palate.  (He also has quirky tastes:  hates sliced avocado, loves guac.)  So I think letting parents choose provides the best chance of getting the kids something they actually want to eat, which should really be the goal with every guest.

4.  Since people are throwing out their kid-feeding philosophies, mine is fairly simple:

• I am making one meal.  If you don't care for part or all of it and you want to grab some raisin bread, string cheese, a banana, etc., go for it.  But I make one menu per mealtime, period.
• Eat as much or as little as you like.  (DD is a grazer and DS is a toddler, so they both go through periods where they eat like three bites of dinner one day, and the next day they have seconds and thirds of pasta.)  My wise pediatrician once said "An otherwise healthy kid won't starve herself.  They eat when they're hungry and don't when they're not."
  
• If you eat a decent amount of everything offered, you can have a treat after dinner.  If you're just not hungry, that's cool, but then you don't need a cookie, either.  (DD used to hate this, but now she loves telling her brother "If you have room for an Oreo, then you have room for a few bites of carrots.")
  
• Dinner should be a nice time to sit down and unwind together, not a power struggle.  And for us, the rules above help accomplish that.  
  

[Deleted User]

Sorry for my earlier offhand comment; certainly wasn’t suggesting that spankings and sending kids to bed starving is a good idea! In reading the comments, it had just occurred to me that we were never given food choices as kids – probably related to era/way my parents were raised themselves, as PP have suggested.

In our house, dinner options were limited because of affordability and whatever was easy for my mom to cook for six people after work. I’m not sure where the rationale came from, but it wasn’t considered “polite” to reject what was offered at meal times (by our parents or as a guest somewhere).

So we were told to eat the healthy dinner prepared, or eat nothing.

Not saying I agree with their approach, at all. I didn’t develop a palate of any kind until I was an adult. And I will still never eat liver, after one experience similar to @GlamQueenBride

ILoveBeachMusic

A&B567 said:

Sorry for my earlier offhand comment; certainly wasn’t suggesting that spankings and sending kids to bed starving is a good idea! In reading the comments, it had just occurred to me that we were never given food choices as kids – probably related to era/way my parents were raised themselves, as PP have suggested.

In our house, dinner options were limited because of affordability and whatever was easy for my mom to cook for six people after work. I’m not sure where the rationale came from, but it wasn’t considered “polite” to reject what was offered at meal times (by our parents or as a guest somewhere).

So we were told to eat the healthy dinner prepared, or eat nothing.

Not saying I agree with their approach, at all. I didn’t develop a palate of any kind until I was an adult. And I will still never eat liver, after one experience similar to @GlamQueenBride

SITB

I actually agree that it is impolite not to eat what is offered at meal times, especially as a guest. It tells the host that they aren't hosting well. As a mom, if I took the time and effort to cook a healthy meal, I certainly didn't want my kids complaining about it.

banana468

A&B567 said:

Sorry for my earlier offhand comment; certainly wasn’t suggesting that spankings and sending kids to bed starving is a good idea! In reading the comments, it had just occurred to me that we were never given food choices as kids – probably related to era/way my parents were raised themselves, as PP have suggested.

In our house, dinner options were limited because of affordability and whatever was easy for my mom to cook for six people after work. I’m not sure where the rationale came from, but it wasn’t considered “polite” to reject what was offered at meal times (by our parents or as a guest somewhere).

So we were told to eat the healthy dinner prepared, or eat nothing.

Not saying I agree with their approach, at all. I didn’t develop a palate of any kind until I was an adult. And I will still never eat liver, after one experience similar to @GlamQueenBride

As the parent of two picky eaters, I can attest that we certainly lather, rinse and repeat the line, "You get what you get and you don't get upset" - especially to the 5yo.   But to the almost 2 yo, we need to have some basic backup options on standby.   I don't know why he morphed into a picky eater since he ate everything I put in front of him up until he was about 15 mo but it's really hard to reason with a person who has a limited vocabulary.   We just took a 7 day trip.   During that time, we packed a lot of easy backup foods like yogurt and hummus and applesauce as easy options.   The 5 yo had to eat what we were served but sometimes you need to be flexible. 

short+sassy

I feel like my parents had a good balance.  My mom liked to cook and made a wide variety of dishes.  I grew up with a wide palate and still have one today.  If it was something new, we had to take at least a few bites to try it, but we weren't forced to finish something we truly didn't like.  I still do that, lol.

I was definitely a "non veggie" eater as a child.  I'm guessing that was my mom's biggest challenge.  If it was a veggie I normally somewhat tolerated, I could not leave the table until it was finished or mostly finished...but not to extremes.  If it was my bedtime and I still hadn't finished, then I went to bed.  After 30-60 minutes from dinner being over, "negotiations" would start.  Like, "if you'll just eat two more bites you can get up." 

There were also a couple veggies I absolutely hated and, other than a bite every once in awhile (probably to make sure I still didn't like them), I was never made to eat those.

I was also never forced to finish if I was full (with the exception of veggies, or I would have used that excuse all the time, lol).