Clashing Families..Help!

South Carolina Mama

missJeanLouise said:

drunkenwitch said:

What does a southern upbringing have to do with being a good hostess? I hear that a lot and I  think, really? Only people in the south know how to host? No one else in the country has any manners? 

No, of course not!  Just that I was raised in a more formal atmosphere...that weddings were done up big time.  But it's not MY wedding.  It's all about the bride and groom's wishes.

South Carolina Mama

Thank you all for your input.  Hopefully this will all just blow over and we can get back to focusing on the main event: A wonderful, happy wedding for all!

southernbelle0915

@drunkenwitch - being southern has nothing to do with good hosting. Lord knows there are tacky hosts everywhere. But I do think certain families in the south hold manners and hosting to a very high standard and take a lot of pride in it. Not to say people don't elsewhere, but I think that's what OP meant.

SC Mama, I have a few more thoughts after reading your comments and others'.

- please don't make this a black tie or black tie optional (not actually a thing) wedding. Black tie requires people to buy/rent expensive clothes they may not be comfortable in. Make the wedding as fancy as you want, but I wouldn't write that on the invitations. As banana said, this is a TINY piece of the big picture in your relationship with these people.

- Tell your daughter to toughen up. She's in tears that they don't approve of a champagne toast. I repeat, she's in tears that they don't approve a champagne toast. That is the definition of a first world problem and she needs to get over it - and over the many, many, many more things that WILL come along. Tell her to put on her sweet southern smile, ignore their comments and keep her bitchin' to herself. She's going to get what daddy promised, so getting upset is silly.

- This isn't really your responsibility but you may want to be clear with the groom's family that you and your husband are covering the ENTIRE reception. It sounds like they think "the groom's family is traditionally responsible for XYZ" so they're being asked to pay for it. Before any other games of telephone cause drama, I would lay it out simply - you're paying for the whole reception (everything - even the bar) and they're paying for the RD.

mollybarker11

South Carolina Mama said:

The "being comfortable" thing was mentioned.  I have trouble understanding, however, how anyone could be uncomfortable in a pretty setting, being served good drinks and and a great dinner, surrounded by those you care for and celebrating a wonderful family event.  

It's simply a matter of being in an unfamiliar environment. If you attended a kitchen party in rural Newfoundland or a business meeting in Japan, you might not be sure if your clothes / gestures / habits fit in with those of the other attendees. Doesn't mean your hosts aren't being hospitable, just that you're not used to that specific type of hospitality.

17forme

This whole post almost makes me glad that no one has offered to pay for our wedding... lol

OliveOilsMom

South Carolina Mama - One thing that stands out to me is that your daughter should be on here asking for advice.  I understand that you only want your daughter to have wonderful memories from planning through her wedding, but you don't have to fight all of your daughter's battles.  She is an adult.

If she needs suggestions on ways to neutrally discuss things with her FILs and/or FI, she could come on here and ask for advice.  I'm not saying you aren't telling the truth, but you may be taking things much more personally based on your daughter's reactions.  Encourage your daughter to come on here and ask for help navigating the wedding planning process with her FI and ILs. 

OurWildKingdom

OliveOilsMom said:

South Carolina Mama - One thing that stands out to me is that your daughter should be on here asking for advice.  I understand that you only want your daughter to have wonderful memories from planning through her wedding, but you don't have to fight all of your daughter's battles.  She is an adult.

If she needs suggestions on ways to neutrally discuss things with her FILs and/or FI, she could come on here and ask for advice.  I'm not saying you aren't telling the truth, but you may be taking things much more personally based on your daughter's reactions.  Encourage your daughter to come on here and ask for help navigating the wedding planning process with her FI and ILs. 

QFT. By all means stick around as well, though! 

CMGragain

I was a MOB five years ago.  Here is my advice:

1.  You have offered to pay for the wedding.  This means that you get some say in the planning, though I hope you defer to your daughter's wishes.  Your future in-laws have no say in the planning, unless you invite their opinion.  (Don't!)

2.  The future in-laws have offered to host the rehearsal dinner.  This is now their responsibility, and they can screw it up if they want to.  This is not your responsibility.  Stay out of it and don't criticize.

3.  Never listen to family gossip.

4.  If you try to please everyone, you will fail miserably.  Just try to please your daughter and her FI.  They will be grateful.

SwissMs

2017forme said:

This whole post almost makes me glad that no one has offered to pay for our wedding... lol

To me this is the best part of already being well established in life and careers when wedding planning!  We are paying for EVERYTHING ourselves.  

My FI's parents offered to match what they gave my FBIL for his wedding last year.  Nope, nope, nope.  We are lucky that we can afford the wedding we want, so there is no temptation.  

lyndausvi

2017forme said:

This whole post almost makes me glad that no one has offered to pay for our wedding... lol

Just like everything it all depends on the who is doing the offering.

We were well established, older couple and happily accepted my parent's offer to host our reception.   They are amazing hosts and they took our wants into consideration.  For example, they are Catholic Church wedding people.   That is not what we wanted.  We wanted a beach wedding.  While they were disappointed, they did not push the issue at all.   The process was fairly easy.  

The money that we would have spent on the wedding went to a kick-ass 3.5 week honeymoon.   Win-win.

That said, my brother's MIL was nothing but a bitch.  Everything was about her, she was an emotional bully and made my SIL cry often not only during the process, but even at the rehearsal (18 years later SIL has become estranged from her mom because of her behavior).   If my parents were like SIL's parents there is no amount of money in the world that would get me to accept their offer.  Not worth the emotional bag that would certainly come along.

PrettyGirlLost

South Carolina Mama said:

That was what THEY said.. IF they were to pay for the bar tab.  Nobody directly asked them to, but FSIL did answer their question when asked what the groom's family traditionally helps with.

As of now, as far as I know, hubs and I are paying for the entire thing, and we are very happy to do so.  

Then do it, and plan the event that you, your daughter, and her FI want.  The FILs can make snide remarks all they want- you all y'all need to gracefully deflect them and then ignore them.  And keep ignoring them.

Your daughter and her FI need to get on the same page, however.  If he is only now waffling on things they agreed on because his parents are being judgemental and shitty, then a Come to Jesus talk is in order and he needs to stop sharing details with his parents.

FI's parent's plans for hosting the RD are just fine- only wedding party members and SOs need to be invited.  Otherwise you end up hosting an entire reception the night before the actual reception, which is ridiculous.  If you want to host your OOT family members, then go for it, but I would host that event after the RD and I'd invite FI's parents and the WP members as well.

PrettyGirlLost

drunkenwitch said:

What does a southern upbringing have to do with being a good hostess? I hear that a lot and I  think, really? Only people in the south know how to host? No one else in the country has any manners? 

Everyone knows Yankees are just total heathens, lacking in both social grace and decorum.

After all, they are the ones who began the dreaded War of Northern Aggression by firing on Fort Sumter. . . oh, wait. . .

:-P

CMGragain

2017forme said:

This whole post almost makes me glad that no one has offered to pay for our wedding... lol

This is not always a problem.  DH and I paid for daughters wedding.  No issues because daughter and I planned it together, and I wanted her to have what she wanted, within financial reason.

The in-laws paid for the rehearsal dinner.  It was a bit rough and not well planned.  I was fine with it because it was not my responsibility.

AddieCake

My dad paid for our whole wedding but left everything up to us. His only request was that salmon be an option on the buffet. 

MobKaz

2017forme said:

This whole post almost makes me glad that no one has offered to pay for our wedding... lol

As others have stated, some parents will gift a wedding without attaching strings to it.  My only stipulations were that there be no gap,  a reasonable drive between ceremony and reception, and guests be properly hosted.  My two children could not have had more opposite weddings.  DD had a full Catholic nuptial mass followed by a country club reception.  DS had an outdoor, secular ceremony officiated by a childhood friend, followed by a restaurant reception in the city.

The difference is mindset.  I knew who was getting married. 

banana468

FWIW, any of the issues DH and I had with our parents had nothing to do with money.   My parents essentially let us go with the planning with basic stipulations like no gap, easy drive, don't find a venue that requires rubber boots, etc. 

SaintPaulGal

mollybarker11 said:

South Carolina Mama said:

The "being comfortable" thing was mentioned.  I have trouble understanding, however, how anyone could be uncomfortable in a pretty setting, being served good drinks and and a great dinner, surrounded by those you care for and celebrating a wonderful family event.  

It's simply a matter of being in an unfamiliar environment. If you attended a kitchen party in rural Newfoundland or a business meeting in Japan, you might not be sure if your clothes / gestures / habits fit in with those of the other attendees. Doesn't mean your hosts aren't being hospitable, just that you're not used to that specific type of hospitality.

So much this!  

I think you are being willfully obtuse, OP.  You know exactly why someone would feel uncomfortable at an event that is far outside of what they are used to or familiar with (which is even known as their "comfort zone.")  Even your comment that you would "ris[e] to the occasion when need be" indicates that you realize you are asking for something specific and perhaps complicated from your guests.

The business meeting in Japan is a great analogy.  There are customs and traditions you are not familiar with.  Hos should you act.  Are you supposed to bow, and if so in what way and for how long and to whom?  What should you wear?  If you spend a bunch of money on what you suppose others might be wearing, will you still look out of place because you are not used to that sort of attire?  What if you guess wrong and show up in something that is completely different from what the rest of the attendees are wearing?  If you go with something you already own, will you look silly?  Are there certain rules for behavior that you are unaware of?  When someone brings you a plate of food, is that your whole meal or is there more coming?  What sort of food will they be serving, anyway?  And is there a certain way you will be expected to use your eating utensils or napkin?  How many drinks is it socially acceptable to consume?  Are you supposed to dance, and if so how and when and with whom?  And on.  And on.  

Traditional Japanese culture is different from what you are used to.  Formal, "high society" culture is different from what these people are used to.  Either circumstance is eminently survivable, but both could be expected to cause some level of anxiety due to sheer lack of exposure.

Try to have a bit of understanding for people who don't have the same background you have enjoyed.  You can throw a very nice wedding that doesn't alienate half the guest list.

WestCoastGirl05

AddieCake said:

My dad paid for our whole wedding but left everything up to us. His only request was that salmon be an option on the buffet. 

Your dad is an exception! Consider yourself lucky.

South Carolina Mama

SaintPaulGal said:

mollybarker11 said:

South Carolina Mama said:

The "being comfortable" thing was mentioned.  I have trouble understanding, however, how anyone could be uncomfortable in a pretty setting, being served good drinks and and a great dinner, surrounded by those you care for and celebrating a wonderful family event.  

It's simply a matter of being in an unfamiliar environment. If you attended a kitchen party in rural Newfoundland or a business meeting in Japan, you might not be sure if your clothes / gestures / habits fit in with those of the other attendees. Doesn't mean your hosts aren't being hospitable, just that you're not used to that specific type of hospitality.

So much this!  

I think you are being willfully obtuse, OP.  You know exactly why someone would feel uncomfortable at an event that is far outside of what they are used to or familiar with (which is even known as their "comfort zone.")  Even your comment that you would "ris[e] to the occasion when need be" indicates that you realize you are asking for something specific and perhaps complicated from your guests.

The business meeting in Japan is a great analogy.  There are customs and traditions you are not familiar with.  Hos should you act.  Are you supposed to bow, and if so in what way and for how long and to whom?  What should you wear?  If you spend a bunch of money on what you suppose others might be wearing, will you still look out of place because you are not used to that sort of attire?  What if you guess wrong and show up in something that is completely different from what the rest of the attendees are wearing?  If you go with something you already own, will you look silly?  Are there certain rules for behavior that you are unaware of?  When someone brings you a plate of food, is that your whole meal or is there more coming?  What sort of food will they be serving, anyway?  And is there a certain way you will be expected to use your eating utensils or napkin?  How many drinks is it socially acceptable to consume?  Are you supposed to dance, and if so how and when and with whom?  And on.  And on.  

Traditional Japanese culture is different from what you are used to.  Formal, "high society" culture is different from what these people are used to.  Either circumstance is eminently survivable, but both could be expected to cause some level of anxiety due to sheer lack of exposure.

Try to have a bit of understanding for people who don't have the same background you have enjoyed.  You can throw a very nice wedding that doesn't alienate half the guest list.

Seriously, we are not planning a black tie type high society, formal event!  I think the conversation has gotten off course.  It is most definitely NOT ridiculously formal.  It's just not a back yard barbecue.  It's a wedding.  In a church.  Not so hard to dress/act accordingly really, is it? I'd be very happy if people just didn't wear jeans.  Yes,  it is in a nice place, but really, why shouldn't it be?

STARMOON44

South Carolina Mama said:

SaintPaulGal said:

mollybarker11 said:

South Carolina Mama said:

The "being comfortable" thing was mentioned.  I have trouble understanding, however, how anyone could be uncomfortable in a pretty setting, being served good drinks and and a great dinner, surrounded by those you care for and celebrating a wonderful family event.  

It's simply a matter of being in an unfamiliar environment. If you attended a kitchen party in rural Newfoundland or a business meeting in Japan, you might not be sure if your clothes / gestures / habits fit in with those of the other attendees. Doesn't mean your hosts aren't being hospitable, just that you're not used to that specific type of hospitality.

So much this!  

I think you are being willfully obtuse, OP.  You know exactly why someone would feel uncomfortable at an event that is far outside of what they are used to or familiar with (which is even known as their "comfort zone.")  Even your comment that you would "ris[e] to the occasion when need be" indicates that you realize you are asking for something specific and perhaps complicated from your guests.

The business meeting in Japan is a great analogy.  There are customs and traditions you are not familiar with.  Hos should you act.  Are you supposed to bow, and if so in what way and for how long and to whom?  What should you wear?  If you spend a bunch of money on what you suppose others might be wearing, will you still look out of place because you are not used to that sort of attire?  What if you guess wrong and show up in something that is completely different from what the rest of the attendees are wearing?  If you go with something you already own, will you look silly?  Are there certain rules for behavior that you are unaware of?  When someone brings you a plate of food, is that your whole meal or is there more coming?  What sort of food will they be serving, anyway?  And is there a certain way you will be expected to use your eating utensils or napkin?  How many drinks is it socially acceptable to consume?  Are you supposed to dance, and if so how and when and with whom?  And on.  And on.  

Traditional Japanese culture is different from what you are used to.  Formal, "high society" culture is different from what these people are used to.  Either circumstance is eminently survivable, but both could be expected to cause some level of anxiety due to sheer lack of exposure.

Try to have a bit of understanding for people who don't have the same background you have enjoyed.  You can throw a very nice wedding that doesn't alienate half the guest list.

Seriously, we are not planning a black tie type high society, formal event!  I think the conversation has gotten off course.  It is most definitely NOT ridiculously formal.  It's just not a back yard barbecue.  It's a wedding.  In a church.  Not so hard to dress/act accordingly really, is it? I'd be very happy if people just didn't wear jeans.  Yes,  it is in a nice place, but really, why shouldn't it be?

Well, apparently someone has conveyed to the grooms family that they need to pay the bar tab and it must include a champagne toast, so no, apparently acting appropriately isn't all the easy.

Seriously. This isn't that hard. ***Removed for TOS Violation***

drunkenwitch

South Carolina Mama said:

SaintPaulGal said:

mollybarker11 said:

South Carolina Mama said:

The "being comfortable" thing was mentioned.  I have trouble understanding, however, how anyone could be uncomfortable in a pretty setting, being served good drinks and and a great dinner, surrounded by those you care for and celebrating a wonderful family event.  

It's simply a matter of being in an unfamiliar environment. If you attended a kitchen party in rural Newfoundland or a business meeting in Japan, you might not be sure if your clothes / gestures / habits fit in with those of the other attendees. Doesn't mean your hosts aren't being hospitable, just that you're not used to that specific type of hospitality.

So much this!  

I think you are being willfully obtuse, OP.  You know exactly why someone would feel uncomfortable at an event that is far outside of what they are used to or familiar with (which is even known as their "comfort zone.")  Even your comment that you would "ris[e] to the occasion when need be" indicates that you realize you are asking for something specific and perhaps complicated from your guests.

The business meeting in Japan is a great analogy.  There are customs and traditions you are not familiar with.  Hos should you act.  Are you supposed to bow, and if so in what way and for how long and to whom?  What should you wear?  If you spend a bunch of money on what you suppose others might be wearing, will you still look out of place because you are not used to that sort of attire?  What if you guess wrong and show up in something that is completely different from what the rest of the attendees are wearing?  If you go with something you already own, will you look silly?  Are there certain rules for behavior that you are unaware of?  When someone brings you a plate of food, is that your whole meal or is there more coming?  What sort of food will they be serving, anyway?  And is there a certain way you will be expected to use your eating utensils or napkin?  How many drinks is it socially acceptable to consume?  Are you supposed to dance, and if so how and when and with whom?  And on.  And on.  

Traditional Japanese culture is different from what you are used to.  Formal, "high society" culture is different from what these people are used to.  Either circumstance is eminently survivable, but both could be expected to cause some level of anxiety due to sheer lack of exposure.

Try to have a bit of understanding for people who don't have the same background you have enjoyed.  You can throw a very nice wedding that doesn't alienate half the guest list.

Seriously, we are not planning a black tie type high society, formal event!  I think the conversation has gotten off course.  It is most definitely NOT ridiculously formal.  It's just not a back yard barbecue.  It's a wedding.  In a church.  Not so hard to dress/act accordingly really, is it? I'd be very happy if people just didn't wear jeans.  Yes,  it is in a nice place, but really, why shouldn't it be?

And there it is, the the sneer that always accompanies the words "southern hospitality".

southernbelle0915

I guess I don't see an issue with what she just posted. Like at all. So she's saying the formality is basically a typical wedding. Not black tie. Not backyard BBQ. I'm confused how that makes her a snob or sneering at anything? 

ETA: pretty sure it's the groom who asked his parents what they wanted to contribute and told them that the groom's family typically covers the bar. I hardly see how that's OP's fault.

South Carolina Mama

STARMOON44 said:

South Carolina Mama said:

SaintPaulGal said:

mollybarker11 said:

South Carolina Mama said:

The "being comfortable" thing was mentioned.  I have trouble understanding, however, how anyone could be uncomfortable in a pretty setting, being served good drinks and and a great dinner, surrounded by those you care for and celebrating a wonderful family event.  

It's simply a matter of being in an unfamiliar environment. If you attended a kitchen party in rural Newfoundland or a business meeting in Japan, you might not be sure if your clothes / gestures / habits fit in with those of the other attendees. Doesn't mean your hosts aren't being hospitable, just that you're not used to that specific type of hospitality.

So much this!  

I think you are being willfully obtuse, OP.  You know exactly why someone would feel uncomfortable at an event that is far outside of what they are used to or familiar with (which is even known as their "comfort zone.")  Even your comment that you would "ris[e] to the occasion when need be" indicates that you realize you are asking for something specific and perhaps complicated from your guests.

The business meeting in Japan is a great analogy.  There are customs and traditions you are not familiar with.  Hos should you act.  Are you supposed to bow, and if so in what way and for how long and to whom?  What should you wear?  If you spend a bunch of money on what you suppose others might be wearing, will you still look out of place because you are not used to that sort of attire?  What if you guess wrong and show up in something that is completely different from what the rest of the attendees are wearing?  If you go with something you already own, will you look silly?  Are there certain rules for behavior that you are unaware of?  When someone brings you a plate of food, is that your whole meal or is there more coming?  What sort of food will they be serving, anyway?  And is there a certain way you will be expected to use your eating utensils or napkin?  How many drinks is it socially acceptable to consume?  Are you supposed to dance, and if so how and when and with whom?  And on.  And on.  

Traditional Japanese culture is different from what you are used to.  Formal, "high society" culture is different from what these people are used to.  Either circumstance is eminently survivable, but both could be expected to cause some level of anxiety due to sheer lack of exposure.

Try to have a bit of understanding for people who don't have the same background you have enjoyed.  You can throw a very nice wedding that doesn't alienate half the guest list.

Seriously, we are not planning a black tie type high society, formal event!  I think the conversation has gotten off course.  It is most definitely NOT ridiculously formal.  It's just not a back yard barbecue.  It's a wedding.  In a church.  Not so hard to dress/act accordingly really, is it? I'd be very happy if people just didn't wear jeans.  Yes,  it is in a nice place, but really, why shouldn't it be?

Well, apparently someone has conveyed to the grooms family that they need to pay the bar tab and it must include a champagne toast, so no, apparently acting appropriately isn't all the easy.

Seriously. This isn't that hard. Stop being an uptight snob. 

Wow, you don't have to be mean.  I'm anything but that, believe me.

CMGragain

OP. why did you post?  You asked for opinions.  I'm just not sure how to help you.

You can't change people.  You need to be nice to your daughter's future in-laws, and to avoid making any fuss.  If you want to vent to us about your hurt feelings, then that's OK.  Just don't vent to your daughter.  She has enough on her plate, and she will be dealing with her future in-laws for the rest of her life.
Now if your daughter is venting to YOU, then you need to calm her, and to soothe her hurt feelings.  Not everybody has a perfect family.  She needs to be accepted by her in-laws, but her FI should back her up if they step out of line.  Her FI - not you.
Good luck with the wedding planning.  We are here to vent if you need us.

crowsgirl15

CMGragain said:

OP. why did you post?  You asked for opinions.  I'm just not sure how to help you.

You can't change people.  You need to be nice to your daughter's future in-laws, and to avoid making any fuss.  If you want to vent to us about your hurt feelings, then that's OK.  Just don't vent to your daughter.  She has enough on her plate, and she will be dealing with her future in-laws for the rest of her life.
Now if your daughter is venting to YOU, then you need to calm her, and to soothe her hurt feelings.  Not everybody has a perfect family.  She needs to be accepted by her in-laws, but her FI should back her up if they step out of line.  Her FI - not you.
Good luck with the wedding planning.  We are here to vent if you need us.

QFT.

OP, I'm just not sure what you're looking for. I really don't think the FILs being uncomfortable with the wedding is anything to judge them for (which is how several of your posts come across), but also not a reason to change up your plans. It shouldn't be dictated to them that they need to pay for the alcohol, and if they offer, they should not be required to include a champagne toast just because that's what you/bride/groom would like. If they have misunderstood about being asked to pay for alcohol, you should have your FSIL explain to them that all that he wants from them is to be honored guests.

And I don't think it will help your future relationship with your FSIL or his parents if you make them feel like you think you're better than them. Which you clearly do.

mollybarker11

She posted because her daughter's FILs are making comments about the reception that are rude and upsetting.

It is the groom's responsibility to:
1. defend his & the bride's decisions (and maybe not pass along every comment to the bride since she doesn't seem to be handling it well and it is impacting her & your relationships with his family)
2. assure his parents that they do not need to pay for anything
3. help his parents feel comfortable at the event by managing their expectations and answering questions they may have on how to dress or act (important: not dictating how to dress or act)

My advice to the OP is to not take the FILs' comments personally as I think they're coming from a place of discomfort rather than malice. And try to be happy regardless of what other guests shows up wearing! Remember you wouldn't find it hard to dress/act appropriately because this type of event is your idea of a "normal" wedding. You have no control over whether your guests feel out of place, you just need to understand why they might and not get offended over it.

South Carolina Mama

I won't be adding anything further to this post.  I don't think I'm better than anyone, I'm not a snob, and I'm not judging anyone.  (Unlike many of you).  I'm not an old timer on this board like CMGragain and maybe I shouldn't have even posted, since she asked what my point was.  I just want us all to get along and for the B & G to have the kind of wedding that THEY want without me stepping on toes and ultimately being slammed for trying to provide that.  

I came looking for advice, maybe from someone who had been down the same road.  It's not easy blending two families, even for just one social event. Sorry I'm guilty of trying to understand how to best do it without just tossing everything I know and doing it all their way, but still picking up the tab.

Thank you, Southernbelle0915.  You seem to get it.

I wish you all well...even those who are not planning a wedding but just remain here to...judge others?

charlotte989875

crowsgirl15 said:

CMGragain said:

OP. why did you post?  You asked for opinions.  I'm just not sure how to help you.

You can't change people.  You need to be nice to your daughter's future in-laws, and to avoid making any fuss.  If you want to vent to us about your hurt feelings, then that's OK.  Just don't vent to your daughter.  She has enough on her plate, and she will be dealing with her future in-laws for the rest of her life.
Now if your daughter is venting to YOU, then you need to calm her, and to soothe her hurt feelings.  Not everybody has a perfect family.  She needs to be accepted by her in-laws, but her FI should back her up if they step out of line.  Her FI - not you.
Good luck with the wedding planning.  We are here to vent if you need us.

QFT.

OP, I'm just not sure what you're looking for. I really don't think the FILs being uncomfortable with the wedding is anything to judge them for (which is how several of your posts come across), but also not a reason to change up your plans. It shouldn't be dictated to them that they need to pay for the alcohol, and if they offer, they should not be required to include a champagne toast just because that's what you/bride/groom would like. If they have misunderstood about being asked to pay for alcohol, you should have your FSIL explain to them that all that he wants from them is to be honored guests.

And I don't think it will help your future relationship with your FSIL or his parents if you make them feel like you think you're better than them. Which you clearly do.

I think both of these responses are a little much. Why did she post here? To get some advice about how to navigate these issues, likely without making her daughter more upset. She never once implied she thought she was "better than" the grooms parents or that what they were planning wasn't "good enough". 

Im with @southernbelle0915 in that nothing she said was out of line or implied she wanted to make the grooms parents uncomfortable. She was asking on how to improve the relationship and help her daughter plan a wedding, that's all. 

banana468

OK - I may have taken the 'black tie' thing.   My point with what you're planning is to just make sure that you know it's not out of the comfort zone of the guests.   Of course the type of wedding is IMO non-negotiable with them.   If my guests didn't like my Catholic service too bad.   BUT, we were specific about the type of reception to be comfortable for our guests.

The largest concern I have here is that it seems like there's a lot of assuming and communication isn't clear.   This may be your daughter and SIL's first time dealing with "family diplomacy" so she may need a lesson in growing a bit of a backbone, bean dipping and just smiling while knowing she's not going to do what's asked.   FSIL may need a lesson in growing up as well.  

crowsgirl15

charlotte989875 said:

crowsgirl15 said:

CMGragain said:

OP. why did you post?  You asked for opinions.  I'm just not sure how to help you.

You can't change people.  You need to be nice to your daughter's future in-laws, and to avoid making any fuss.  If you want to vent to us about your hurt feelings, then that's OK.  Just don't vent to your daughter.  She has enough on her plate, and she will be dealing with her future in-laws for the rest of her life.
Now if your daughter is venting to YOU, then you need to calm her, and to soothe her hurt feelings.  Not everybody has a perfect family.  She needs to be accepted by her in-laws, but her FI should back her up if they step out of line.  Her FI - not you.
Good luck with the wedding planning.  We are here to vent if you need us.

QFT.

OP, I'm just not sure what you're looking for. I really don't think the FILs being uncomfortable with the wedding is anything to judge them for (which is how several of your posts come across), but also not a reason to change up your plans. It shouldn't be dictated to them that they need to pay for the alcohol, and if they offer, they should not be required to include a champagne toast just because that's what you/bride/groom would like. If they have misunderstood about being asked to pay for alcohol, you should have your FSIL explain to them that all that he wants from them is to be honored guests.

And I don't think it will help your future relationship with your FSIL or his parents if you make them feel like you think you're better than them. Which you clearly do.

I think both of these responses are a little much. Why did she post here? To get some advice about how to navigate these issues, likely without making her daughter more upset. She never once implied she thought she was "better than" the grooms parents or that what they were planning wasn't "good enough". 

Im with @southernbelle0915 in that nothing she said was out of line or implied she wanted to make the grooms parents uncomfortable. She was asking on how to improve the relationship and help her daughter plan a wedding, that's all. 

For me, it wasn't the original post, but the responses from the OP when people even slightly suggested that the groom's family might not be completely in the wrong.

It did seem, to me, that any time someone suggested that the groom's family might be uncomfortable and have a point, the response was "why would anyone ever be uncomfortable with my/my daughter's lovely event?!", which is probably why the groom's family is reacting the way they are.

If my tone felt judgmental, that's on me. I definitely don't think you're a bad person or anything, OP, and I think you do want to do right by your daughter and her FH. But I also think the groom's family is uncomfortable...and based on your responses here, I have a hunch they might feel a little judged too.