Registering and Gifts

Honeyfund done right?

edited August 2016 in Registering and Gifts
I'd like to hear some opinions on the way I have my registries set up. I think I found an approach that will satisfy my more traditional guests but also allow us to register for some fun extras on our honeymoon.

------- Background -------
My FI and I have lived together 7 years, so we're in the increasingly common situation where we don't need a lot of traditional stuff (towels, blenders, etc.). In researching honeymoon funds the consensus was that they are rude for the following reasons:

1. It is asking for money
2. It is deceptive in that it doesn't do the reservation/booking (and therefore just sends money)

When I asked people their opinion on them I noticed a generational divide. Anyone I talked to under 30 seemed to think they were common and not in bad taste. My older family members seemed to think that "no one" does them (even though I've experienced several weddings in the past year where Traveler's Joy and Honeyfund were the only registries). 

There also seemed to be a conflicting consensus that not setting up a registry at all is equally rude. What a conundrum!

------- Solution -------
I set up some small registries at Amazon and Crate & Barrel. My approach was that if I wasn't super excited to receive the item then I didn't put it on the registry. I found 3-5 items on each site that I would be really excited to receive as gifts. This should appease the extremely traditional guests who prefer 'hard gifts'. 

Next I set up a Honeyfund, but I only put very specific items that would be considered extra on the honeymoon. I did not put flights, accommodations, or anything that we can't already pay for. Instead I put things like "Foodie Tour: Tapas and Sidecars" and "Oktoberfest: Reservation at [Specific Tent]". I did full amounts for 2; so if the beer tent reservation was $40 per person then I requested 2 for $40. My reasoning is that in this manner someone can feel responsible for a complete experience. A guest saying "I paid for her to get into the Oktoberfest beer tent" has a lot more weight than saying "I paid for 1/20th of her flight." In my opinion this is a nicer option than gifting cash because the person will know the specific activity that the money will be used for and can expect a personalized thank-you (aka pictures!) regarding the experience.

I also put this message below on the registry section of our wedding website. I found it online and revised it to be a little more clear about how Honeyfund works (in order to resolve issue #2 above that it is deceptive). 

-------- Message ------
[Edited to reflect the new message taken from suggestions.]

On wedding website:

Used The Knot's pre-defined option: "The happy couple is registered at:" (list of links)

On the honeyfund website page:

"We are honored you will share in our special day. Your presence is our gift!

We're lucky to already have a home full of everything we need, so please enjoy browsing this wish list. We are paying for the honeymoon! However on this registry are ideas for extra, specific experiences you can gift to us. We'll be sure to send you a picture!

To be clear: this site cannot make the bookings or reservations. If you'd like to make the reservation for us and take out the middle-man then please feel free; otherwise we will make the booking as soon as it is gifted to us. Please note that with a Honeyfund registry, the gift you are purchasing is actually a cash value minus the service charge, depending on how you check out.

Thanks for visiting and we can't wait to see you on our big day!"

----------

Opinions time: What do you think? What do you like about this set-up? What do you hate?

«1

Re: Honeyfund done right?

  • Hmm, so how about on the wedding website I leave the "Your presence, for us, is the best present of all." line, but then I move the explanation of how Honeyfund works to the Honeyfund website? Is that more appropriate?
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    I'd like to hear some opinions on the way I have my registries set up. I think I found an approach that will satisfy my more traditional guests but also allow us to register for some fun extras on our honeymoon.

    ------- Background -------
    My FI and I have lived together 7 years, so we're in the increasingly common situation where we don't need a lot of traditional stuff (towels, blenders, etc.). In researching honeymoon funds the consensus was that they are rude for the following reasons:

    1. It is asking for money
    2. It is deceptive in that it doesn't do the reservation/booking (and therefore just sends money)

    When I asked people their opinion on them I noticed a generational divide. Anyone I talked to under 30 seemed to think they were common and not in bad taste. My older family members seemed to think that "no one" does them (even though I've experienced several weddings in the past year where Traveler's Joy and Honeyfund were the only registries). 

    There also seemed to be a conflicting consensus that not setting up a registry at all is equally rude. What a conundrum!

    ------- Solution -------
    I set up some small registries at Amazon and Crate & Barrel. My approach was that if I wasn't super excited to receive the item then I didn't put it on the registry. I found 3-5 items on each site that I would be really excited to receive as gifts. This should appease the extremely traditional guests who prefer 'hard gifts'. 

    Next I set up a Honeyfund, but I only put very specific items that would be considered extra on the honeymoon. I did not put flights, accommodations, or anything that we can't already pay for. Instead I put things like "Foodie Tour: Tapas and Sidecars" and "Oktoberfest: Reservation at [Specific Tent]". I did full amounts for 2; so if the beer tent reservation was $40 per person then I requested 2 for $40. My reasoning is that in this manner someone can feel responsible for a complete experience. A guest saying "I paid for her to get into the Oktoberfest beer tent" has a lot more weight than saying "I paid for 1/20th of her flight." In my opinion this is a nicer option than gifting cash because the person will know the specific activity that the money will be used for and can expect a personalized thank-you (aka pictures!) regarding the experience.

    I also put this message below on the registry section of our wedding website. I found it online and revised it to be a little more clear about how Honeyfund works (in order to resolve issue #2 above that it is deceptive). 

    -------- Message ------

    First things first: Your presence, for us, is the best present of all. If money's tight right now, we understand. A card with your sincere well-wishes means every bit as much, or more, than a fancy blender. We love you. Presents are optional.

    But if you would like to get us something, we have registered in the following places:

    Crate & Barrel and Amazon - Where you can spoil us with mostly-unnecessary but fun items for the home.

    Honeyfund - Where you can give the gift of experience. We are paying for the honeymoon! However on this registry are ideas for extra, specific experiences you can gift to us. To be clear: this site cannot make the bookings or reservations. If you'd like to make the reservation for us and take out the middle-man then please feel free; otherwise we will make the booking as soon as it is gifted to us. We'll be sure to send you a picture!

    And, for the record, handmade or off-register gifts are always, always welcome.

    ----------

    Opinions time: What do you think? What do you like about this set-up? What do you hate?

    Any suggestions regarding the message? 

    JIC


    image
    madamerwinjustsieJen4948adk19
  • levioosa said:
    Hmm, so how about on the wedding website I leave the "Your presence, for us, is the best present of all." line, but then I move the explanation of how Honeyfund works to the Honeyfund website? Is that more appropriate?
    No. Because having a honey fund is rude. I'm an "under 30" btw. Why would you want to register for a site which will take 3-10% of the money? Just have the small registry and people will give you cash. 
    I am confused about this because I've also been told that it is rude to have too small of a registry because I should give people the option to spend on "something specific", and a small registry with less than 15 items (I'm expecting ~125 at the wedding and sending ~200 invitations) will quickly run out. Is my only option to register for a bunch of items?
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    member
    Hmm, so how about on the wedding website I leave the "Your presence, for us, is the best present of all." line, but then I move the explanation of how Honeyfund works to the Honeyfund website? Is that more appropriate?
    That site doesn't tell people how it works. It doesn't tell me that by buying you a couples massage, that you really just get a check. It also doesn't tell me that you don't get the full $120 that I paid for it. It simply says that I pay $120 and then print a certificate. It's lies!!!
    STARMOON44justsie
  • levioosa said:
    levioosa said:
    Hmm, so how about on the wedding website I leave the "Your presence, for us, is the best present of all." line, but then I move the explanation of how Honeyfund works to the Honeyfund website? Is that more appropriate?
    No. Because having a honey fund is rude. I'm an "under 30" btw. Why would you want to register for a site which will take 3-10% of the money? Just have the small registry and people will give you cash. 
    I am confused about this because I've also been told that it is rude to have too small of a registry because I should give people the option to spend on "something specific", and a small registry with less than 15 items (I'm expecting ~125 at the wedding and sending ~200 invitations) will quickly run out. Is my only option to register for a bunch of items?
    It is not rude to have a small registry. What you have heard about that is wrong. People who are going to give you "hard gifts" are going to do so regardless of whether or not you have a registry. A small registry indicates that you have what you need. Everyone knows cash is a good gift. If directly asked, you can indicate something you and FI are saving up for. But don't put it on your wedding website or on the invitations. 
    Thank you for clarifying! I am not sure why some members of my family have told me this. I haven't seen anything online against it so I don't know where they came up with this opinion. They will just have to deal with it!
  • SP29 said:
    To directly answer your question:
    Don't say anything about presents or not wanting presents. Even saying, "We don't care about presents" is making an assumption that a gift was expected in the first place. Best to put registries on a separate tab- guests can look at it if they want to. This information should be straight forward and simple, it is what it is. Not having a registry is not rude (or only having a small registry), however you will find many people like them (I do!).

    On the registry tab simply state:

    We are registered at Amazon and Crate and Barrel.
    <Link>
    <Link>

    We also have a Honeyfund Registry.
    <Link>
    Please note that with a Honeyfund registry, the gift you are purchasing is actually a cash value minus the 5% service charge (or whatever it is).

    ------------

    My personal answer to your question:
    I am against the Honeyfund (and I am under 30). You already know why. Guests are not actually buying you the experience item listed (if that was the case, I wouldn't have a problem with it)- it is cash minus the service charge. If I as a guest, wanted to buying you something for your honeymoon, I would ask where and when you were staying, then book something myself for you. Or give you a gift certificate. Or give you cash with a little note saying something like, "I hope you use this to spoil yourselves on your honeymoon!".

    If a guest gives you cash for any reason (know your crowd, but a lot of people will), you are free to use that however you wish, including your HM. You don't need a HF registry to do this. You can say in your TY note, "Thank you for your generous gift! Because of gift we were able to swim with dolphins on our HM!".

    There will always be people who will only buy physicals gifts. Thus, a small registry is a good idea, otherwise they will buy you what they think you will like (neither is wrong). But having a small registry is also a pretty clear indication that cash would be preferred. And for those who only give physical gifts, I doubt they would be keen on a HF registry. If anyone asks you what you are registered for, you can always say, "We really don't need anything but we are saving up for our honeymoon".

    So I would not have a Honeyfund registry and keep the two small registries you currently have.

    We had a large registry and still received 90% cash gifts.


    Thank you, this is very helpful!
    SP29floridabride44
  • Why would you want 90$ instead ot the 100$ your guests thought they giving you through your honeyfund? If a guest gives you cash, you can say in your thankyou note that their contribution allowed you to go to a specific tent at Oktobetfest. That is how they get the satisfaction, not by thinking they are buying you tickets but actually putting money in a pot. Minus the fee.
    InLoveInQueensfloridabride44ThisShamanluvsaMageSquirttheTurtle
  • Why would you want 90$ instead ot the 100$ your guests thought they giving you through your honeyfund? If a guest gives you cash, you can say in your thankyou note that their contribution allowed you to go to a specific tent at Oktobetfest. That is how they get the satisfaction, not by thinking they are buying you tickets but actually putting money in a pot. Minus the fee.
    When I've gifted through Traveler's Joy and Honeyfund in the past the service fee seemed reasonable to me if I looked at it as the convenience of processing the money electronically, which from my knowledge is comparable to other electronic transfer fees. As someone who can't directly deposit cash easily (USAA) I am already charged a fee when I convert cash to electronic. Therefore I am willing to lose a small percentage for having the money gifted to me electronically. When I see someone with a Traveler's Joy or Honeyfund registry I assume that they are willing to take the service fee loss for the convenience of having it show up directly in their bank account.

    Another way I think of it is that someone can get an idea of specific experiences to gift us rather than putting money in the "general" pot. Technically the money is coming to "the pot" but it's on our honor to use that money directly towards the experience they choose. In my description for each item I put the information for the date/time we'd like to do the activity and the link to the information, so if someone wanted to go and reserve the Oktoberfest ticket directly for us then they could do so and cut out the middleman. I'm not sure where else I could put this information.

    I agree that it's not as satisfying when it doesn't do the booking. As far as I know there's not a registry for things like, "Tickets to a concert" or whatever (Ticketmaster registry??! That'd be fun). Maybe one day a travel agency or something will create a honeymoon registry where the employees will actually go and make the reservations and buy tickets, which would be really neat. (I bet the service fee on that would be through the roof though.)

    I hope that explains my perspective!
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    member
    Why would you want 90$ instead ot the 100$ your guests thought they giving you through your honeyfund? If a guest gives you cash, you can say in your thankyou note that their contribution allowed you to go to a specific tent at Oktobetfest. That is how they get the satisfaction, not by thinking they are buying you tickets but actually putting money in a pot. Minus the fee.
    When I've gifted through Traveler's Joy and Honeyfund in the past the service fee seemed reasonable to me if I looked at it as the convenience of processing the money electronically, which from my knowledge is comparable to other electronic transfer fees. As someone who can't directly deposit cash easily (USAA) I am already charged a fee when I convert cash to electronic. Therefore I am willing to lose a small percentage for having the money gifted to me electronically. When I see someone with a Traveler's Joy or Honeyfund registry I assume that they are willing to take the service fee loss for the convenience of having it show up directly in their bank account.

    Another way I think of it is that someone can get an idea of specific experiences to gift us rather than putting money in the "general" pot. Technically the money is coming to "the pot" but it's on our honor to use that money directly towards the experience they choose. In my description for each item I put the information for the date/time we'd like to do the activity and the link to the information, so if someone wanted to go and reserve the Oktoberfest ticket directly for us then they could do so and cut out the middleman. I'm not sure where else I could put this information.

    I agree that it's not as satisfying when it doesn't do the booking. As far as I know there's not a registry for things like, "Tickets to a concert" or whatever (Ticketmaster registry??! That'd be fun). Maybe one day a travel agency or something will create a honeymoon registry where the employees will actually go and make the reservations and buy tickets, which would be really neat. (I bet the service fee on that would be through the roof though.)

    I hope that explains my perspective!
    But that's still not explained to people who think they're giving you $100. It's not your guests fault that you bank somewhere that is difficult to deposit cash, that's your decision. You don't have to deposit cash, either. You can use it anywhere. You can take it on your honeymoon with you and pay for you excursions and experiences at the end with cash. You're trying really hard to get people to accept this and it's not going to happen here. 
    STARMOON44SP29InLoveInQueensjaprincess24
  • Why would you want 90$ instead ot the 100$ your guests thought they giving you through your honeyfund? If a guest gives you cash, you can say in your thankyou note that their contribution allowed you to go to a specific tent at Oktobetfest. That is how they get the satisfaction, not by thinking they are buying you tickets but actually putting money in a pot. Minus the fee.
    When I've gifted through Traveler's Joy and Honeyfund in the past the service fee seemed reasonable to me if I looked at it as the convenience of processing the money electronically, which from my knowledge is comparable to other electronic transfer fees. As someone who can't directly deposit cash easily (USAA) I am already charged a fee when I convert cash to electronic. Therefore I am willing to lose a small percentage for having the money gifted to me electronically. When I see someone with a Traveler's Joy or Honeyfund registry I assume that they are willing to take the service fee loss for the convenience of having it show up directly in their bank account.

    Another way I think of it is that someone can get an idea of specific experiences to gift us rather than putting money in the "general" pot. Technically the money is coming to "the pot" but it's on our honor to use that money directly towards the experience they choose. In my description for each item I put the information for the date/time we'd like to do the activity and the link to the information, so if someone wanted to go and reserve the Oktoberfest ticket directly for us then they could do so and cut out the middleman. I'm not sure where else I could put this information.

    I agree that it's not as satisfying when it doesn't do the booking. As far as I know there's not a registry for things like, "Tickets to a concert" or whatever (Ticketmaster registry??! That'd be fun). Maybe one day a travel agency or something will create a honeymoon registry where the employees will actually go and make the reservations and buy tickets, which would be really neat. (I bet the service fee on that would be through the roof though.)

    I hope that explains my perspective!
    But that's still not explained to people who think they're giving you $100. It's not your guests fault that you bank somewhere that is difficult to deposit cash, that's your decision. You don't have to deposit cash, either. You can use it anywhere. You can take it on your honeymoon with you and pay for you excursions and experiences at the end with cash. You're trying really hard to get people to accept this and it's not going to happen here. 
    I've accepted that most people will not agree with me! She asked me a specific question, so I answered it.
  • I'm confused that you don't want to deceive your guests but at the same time ask for experiences like Oktoberfest instead of a percentage of the flight...no matter what the guest thinks they're paying for, it's just going into your wallet.

    It's absolutely not rude to have small registries.  You're correct that it's increasingly common for couples to be living together/not need much physical stuff.  All of my friends were in this boat...almost everyone knows that cash is a great gift.
    DrillSergeantCatOurWildKingdomInLoveInQueensjustsie
  • I've accepted that most people will not agree with me! She asked me a specific question, so I answered it.
    I see. I'm just trying to get you to understand that just because you're okay with those fees, doesn't mean that your guests will be and some of them may feel cheated if they find out that you didn't get what they thought they were giving. 

    Look at it this way. You order your mom some flowers for Mother's Day based on the picture on the florist's website, but when they arrive, instead of a dozen hot pink Gerbera's, there's only 10. Then you call and ask just to be told "Oh! That! That's just our fee for giving you the convenience of not having to deliver these yourself."
    Thanks for explaining it that way. I like specific examples!

    I will be sure to be very up front about the fees on the page that list the items (not the wedding website, the welcome page to the registry itself). And if anyone asks directly I'll be very clear too. 

    I appreciate all your input! Thanks for "talking" things over with me. ;-)
  • kylexokylexo Finger Lakes, NY
    500 Love Its Third Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    member
    edited August 2016
    i am 30 and think honey fund is rude and gross.

    i had a large registry. put in the exact number of gifts the stores told me i'd need for the size of our guest list. guess what? only 19% of the gifts were bought from the registry and we got cash and checks from everyone else. like - a STAGGERING amount of cash and checks. make a registry for the things you'd like and trust that your guests will give you money if they choose not to get something from your registry, which you can then spend 100% of on things you want to do or buy (on the honeymoon or elsewhere!)

    gifts aren't required but are appreciated at ALL weddings. it's awkward to bring it up because even if you're saying they aren't required, you are acknowledging it's the norm. treat adults like adults.
  • @kylexo  and @STARMOON44, thanks for your input! I've revised the message on the website to use The Knot's predefined statement that says: "The happy couple is registered at:"

    (Sorry to everyone before, I just figured out I can just @ you to reply instead of quoting you.)
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    member
    @kylexo  and @STARMOON44, thanks for your input! I've revised the message on the website to use The Knot's predefined statement that says: "The happy couple is registered at:"

    (Sorry to everyone before, I just figured out I can just @ you to reply instead of quoting you.)
    Quoting is good, too. Either way let's us know who you're replying to. 

    Change your name to something not generic and stick around a while.
    SP29OurWildKingdom
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    levioosa said:
    Hmm, so how about on the wedding website I leave the "Your presence, for us, is the best present of all." line, but then I move the explanation of how Honeyfund works to the Honeyfund website? Is that more appropriate?
    No. Because having a honey fund is rude. I'm an "under 30" btw. Why would you want to register for a site which will take 3-10% of the money? Just have the small registry and people will give you cash. 
    I am confused about this because I've also been told that it is rude to have too small of a registry because I should give people the option to spend on "something specific", and a small registry with less than 15 items (I'm expecting ~125 at the wedding and sending ~200 invitations) will quickly run out. Is my only option to register for a bunch of items?
    I don't know who told you a small registry is rude, but they are wrong. Often people say you can't have a shower without a registry (I don't agree BTW). A registry is a list of suggestions of things you would like. It also gives guests an idea of colors and style you prefer. No one is obligated to buy only things listed on the registry. All that being said, people often just give cash if a registry doesn't exist or is small. Nix the honey fund.
    SP29
  • MobKaz said:
    When my daughter married, close friends and family were aware of their honeymoon plans.  She and my (soon-to-be) son-in-law discussed some of the fun experiences they hoped to enjoy while in Hawaii.  My son and his GF made a few calls and were able to directly purchase and gift DD/SIL some of those experiences.  DD/SIL received the full gift/experience and monetary amount.  No honeyfund was necessary.

    There is typically a honeymoon tab on most wedding websites.  You could briefly mention where you and your FI are headed for the honeymoon, and the experiences you hope to enjoy.  Even if people can't make direct contact with any of the experience sites, they can gift you money, add a memo hoping you "enjoy the sunrise bike ride", and accomplish, without loss of money, the same thing as a honeyfund.
    Our friends did something similar for me and H for our honeymoon. They had gone to Cancun a few months before we were going, and they went on a private tour of Chichen Itza, which they loved. They knew we planned to just go on the group tour through our All-Inclusive (the private tour runs in the hundreds of dollars, but our AI included a group tour). A few of them pooled their money, contacted the tour company they had used, and pre-paid for our private tour. All we had to do was email the company and give them our names, and we were able to schedule it for the time and date we wanted. It was awesome.

    Point being, if people want to gift you experiences, they can do so directly. You can have a page on your wedding website saying where you're going on your HM and some activities you hope to do, and anyone who really wants to gift an experience can figure out how to book it for you. A lot of tour/adventure/etc. companies will even let someone else pay, and then have you call later to arrange the times and dates.
    BabyFruit Ticker
    OurWildKingdomSP29charlotte989875japrincess24
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