I'd like to hear some opinions on the way I have my registries set up. I think I found an approach that will satisfy my more traditional guests but also allow us to register for some fun extras on our honeymoon.
------- Background -------
My FI and I have lived together 7 years, so we're in the increasingly common situation where we don't need a lot of traditional stuff (towels, blenders, etc.). In researching honeymoon funds the consensus was that they are rude for the following reasons:
1. It is asking for money
2. It is deceptive in that it doesn't do the reservation/booking (and therefore just sends money)
When I asked people their opinion on them I noticed a generational divide. Anyone I talked to under 30 seemed to think they were common and not in bad taste. My older family members seemed to think that "no one" does them (even though I've experienced several weddings in the past year where Traveler's Joy and Honeyfund were the only registries).
There also seemed to be a conflicting consensus that not setting up a registry at all is equally rude. What a conundrum!
------- Solution -------
I set up some small registries at Amazon and Crate & Barrel. My approach was that if I wasn't super excited to receive the item then I didn't put it on the registry. I found 3-5 items on each site that I would be really excited to receive as gifts. This should appease the extremely traditional guests who prefer 'hard gifts'.
Next I set up a Honeyfund, but I only put very specific items that would be considered extra on the honeymoon. I did not put flights, accommodations, or anything that we can't already pay for. Instead I put things like "Foodie Tour: Tapas and Sidecars" and "Oktoberfest: Reservation at [Specific Tent]". I did full amounts for 2; so if the beer tent reservation was $40 per person then I requested 2 for $40. My reasoning is that in this manner someone can feel responsible for a complete experience. A guest saying "I paid for her to get into the Oktoberfest beer tent" has a lot more weight than saying "I paid for 1/20th of her flight." In my opinion this is a nicer option than gifting cash because the person will know the specific activity that the money will be used for and can expect a personalized thank-you (aka pictures!) regarding the experience.
I also put this message below on the registry section of our wedding website. I found it online and revised it to be a little more clear about how Honeyfund works (in order to resolve issue #2 above that it is deceptive).
-------- Message ------
[Edited to reflect the new message taken from suggestions.]On wedding website:
Used The Knot's pre-defined option: "The happy couple is registered at:" (list of links)
On the honeyfund website page:
"We are honored you will share in our special day. Your presence is our gift!
We're lucky to already have a home full of everything we need, so please enjoy browsing this wish list. We are paying for the honeymoon! However on this registry are ideas for extra, specific experiences you can gift to us. We'll be sure to send you a picture!
To be clear: this site cannot make the bookings or reservations. If you'd like to make the reservation for us and take out the middle-man then please feel free; otherwise we will make the booking as soon as it is gifted to us. Please note that with a Honeyfund registry, the gift you are purchasing is actually a cash value minus the service charge, depending on how you check out.
Thanks for visiting and we can't wait to see you on our big day!"
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Opinions time: What do you think? What do you like about this set-up? What do you hate?
Re: Honeyfund done right?
Don't say anything about presents or not wanting presents. Even saying, "We don't care about presents" is making an assumption that a gift was expected in the first place. Best to put registries on a separate tab- guests can look at it if they want to. This information should be straight forward and simple, it is what it is. Not having a registry is not rude (or only having a small registry), however you will find many people like them (I do!).
On the registry tab simply state:
We are registered at Amazon and Crate and Barrel.
<Link>
<Link>
We also have a Honeyfund Registry.
<Link>
Please note that with a Honeyfund registry, the gift you are purchasing is actually a cash value minus the 5% service charge (or whatever it is).
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My personal answer to your question:
I am against the Honeyfund (and I am under 30). You already know why. Guests are not actually buying you the experience item listed (if that was the case, I wouldn't have a problem with it)- it is cash minus the service charge. If I as a guest, wanted to buying you something for your honeymoon, I would ask where and when you were staying, then book something myself for you. Or give you a gift certificate. Or give you cash with a little note saying something like, "I hope you use this to spoil yourselves on your honeymoon!".
If a guest gives you cash for any reason (know your crowd, but a lot of people will), you are free to use that however you wish, including your HM. You don't need a HF registry to do this. You can say in your TY note, "Thank you for your generous gift! Because of gift we were able to swim with dolphins on our HM!".
There will always be people who will only buy physicals gifts. Thus, a small registry is a good idea, otherwise they will buy you what they think you will like (neither is wrong). But having a small registry is also a pretty clear indication that cash would be preferred. And for those who only give physical gifts, I doubt they would be keen on a HF registry. If anyone asks you what you are registered for, you can always say, "We really don't need anything but we are saving up for our honeymoon".
So I would not have a Honeyfund registry and keep the two small registries you currently have.
We had a large registry and still received 90% cash gifts.
Another way I think of it is that someone can get an idea of specific experiences to gift us rather than putting money in the "general" pot. Technically the money is coming to "the pot" but it's on our honor to use that money directly towards the experience they choose. In my description for each item I put the information for the date/time we'd like to do the activity and the link to the information, so if someone wanted to go and reserve the Oktoberfest ticket directly for us then they could do so and cut out the middleman. I'm not sure where else I could put this information.
I agree that it's not as satisfying when it doesn't do the booking. As far as I know there's not a registry for things like, "Tickets to a concert" or whatever (Ticketmaster registry??! That'd be fun). Maybe one day a travel agency or something will create a honeymoon registry where the employees will actually go and make the reservations and buy tickets, which would be really neat. (I bet the service fee on that would be through the roof though.)
I hope that explains my perspective!
Look at it this way. You order your mom some flowers for Mother's Day based on the picture on the florist's website, but when they arrive, instead of a dozen hot pink Gerbera's, there's only 10. Then you call and ask just to be told "Oh! That! That's just our fee for giving you the convenience of not having to deliver these yourself."
It's absolutely not rude to have small registries. You're correct that it's increasingly common for couples to be living together/not need much physical stuff. All of my friends were in this boat...almost everyone knows that cash is a great gift.
I will be sure to be very up front about the fees on the page that list the items (not the wedding website, the welcome page to the registry itself). And if anyone asks directly I'll be very clear too.
I appreciate all your input! Thanks for "talking" things over with me. ;-)
i had a large registry. put in the exact number of gifts the stores told me i'd need for the size of our guest list. guess what? only 19% of the gifts were bought from the registry and we got cash and checks from everyone else. like - a STAGGERING amount of cash and checks. make a registry for the things you'd like and trust that your guests will give you money if they choose not to get something from your registry, which you can then spend 100% of on things you want to do or buy (on the honeymoon or elsewhere!)
gifts aren't required but are appreciated at ALL weddings. it's awkward to bring it up because even if you're saying they aren't required, you are acknowledging it's the norm. treat adults like adults.
if it's really important to you to let people know how you spent the money they gave you, earmark that check for something and let them know how it was!
(Sorry to everyone before, I just figured out I can just @ you to reply instead of quoting you.)
Change your name to something not generic and stick around a while.
There is typically a honeymoon tab on most wedding websites. You could briefly mention where you and your FI are headed for the honeymoon, and the experiences you hope to enjoy. Even if people can't make direct contact with any of the experience sites, they can gift you money, add a memo hoping you "enjoy the sunrise bike ride", and accomplish, without loss of money, the same thing as a honeyfund.
Point being, if people want to gift you experiences, they can do so directly. You can have a page on your wedding website saying where you're going on your HM and some activities you hope to do, and anyone who really wants to gift an experience can figure out how to book it for you. A lot of tour/adventure/etc. companies will even let someone else pay, and then have you call later to arrange the times and dates.
Also, when people on here say "cash" they don't necessarily mean paper cash, they also mean checks.