EDIT: What does the label "wedding" mean to you?

MobKaz

@redoryx said, "In the States, because the civil and religious ceremonies can all be
done at the same time and it's all recognized, there's no two wedding
anniversaries. That said, I know that's not the case in all countries
but you're not from those countries so that's what makes it a little
weird. Plus, you're not even HAVING a religious ceremony which is why
other countries have two ceremonies. So it's a little fucked up to say
"This is perfectly normal in other countries that do this because of X
and Y but I'm only doing X but you Americans just don't understand."



!00% ^^.  Hopefully, OP will rethink this insanity and host an awesome party to celebrate her marriage.  However, considering she booked her "ceremony and reception" venue long before even posting her polls and questions, I am doubtful.

southernbelle0915

Knottie1459048711 said:

I'm fully aware that I am legally married in both Japan and America, the IRS and all governmental bodies have been notified.
And sure, having 2 anniversaries sounds insane, but in non-western countries it's not too unusual. 

Jesus take the wheel....

1) You get one anniversary. It's the date you were married. So whatever the date is where you went from unmarried to married, that is your anniversary.
2) You don't get to appropriate pieces of another culture that suit you so you can have a princess day. Are you fucking serious?
3) You are not having a vow renewal. You are having a fake wedding ceremony. You are calling it a vow renewal because you think calling it that will make it ok. It doesn't. You're planning a fake wedding ceremony because you didn't have the ceremony you wanted and your mom wants to keep up appearances. You have literally said that in your posts. So please. Own your story and stop the bullshit.

SP29

Wedding=ceremony=day you signed your marriage license and became husband and wife.

Ceremonies can take on various presentations (city hall, "courthouse", JOP, church, non-denominational at some venue,etc), but they day you sign your marriage license and file those papers, thus making you legally married, is a ceremony and your wedding day.

I am glad you have changed your mind and will let EVERY guest who is invited know before hand (before you send your invitations) that you are already married. Marriage announcements are simply and appropriate for this, but I would send them ASAP, as traditionally you would send them a day or two after your wedding (you were married this Feb?).

You may have a celebration of marriage party. You may do a vow renewal, but you can no longer have a wedding ceremony. You should also stay away from anything that pertains to bride and groom, or your "firsts". You are husband and wife already, not bride and groom.

Anyone can host a party for any reason. But you've already had your wedding- so can't have another. You can host a celebration of marriage. It is appropriate for the hosts to thank their guests for coming (aka a receiving line). It is appropriate for the hosts to cut and serve a special dessert (cake is ALWAYS appropriate!)- but you serve your guests first, and do not feed each other (feeding each other is to signify the first meal as husband and wife- I assume you've already had many meals together). It is appropriate for you the hosts, or anyone, to make a toast but you should not use references to bride/groom. It is appropriate for the hosts to open up the dance floor, but this shouldn't be a spotlight dance. Any party can have a DJ/band/dancing, all of the food, all of the drinks, be held at any venue, have flowers and decor, and the hosts can wear fancy clothes. No other wedding traditions such as bouquet or garter toss.

You can have a vow renewal or blessing of your marriage, but again, no bride and groom references- you are husband and wife. It would not be appropriate to have a wedding party- this is not your wedding. Many would also say you should not wear a wedding dress as this is not your wedding- but I'm "light" on this- sure, I think it would be silly for you to wear a wedding dress, but at the end of the day, it's clothing- wear what you want.

I hope you do take our advice to heart, make some tweaks to your current plans and then enjoy your celebration (truly!).

MCmeow

I chose: a day where friends and family celebrate your union, a day where the government recognizes your union and a day where you and your loved one celebrates your union, because the government part is a formality, but celebrating your love and celebrating your friendships, celebrating the fact that you have new family, and supporting each other during your milestones are really what it's all about to me. It's just a day full of love, all kinds of love.

MandyMost

SP29 said:

Wedding=ceremony=day you signed your marriage license and became husband and wife.

Ceremonies can take on various presentations (city hall, "courthouse", JOP, church, non-denominational at some venue,etc), but they day you sign your marriage license and file those papers, thus making you legally married, is a ceremony and your wedding day.

I disagree. A wedding does not equal a ceremony. And I think this is where the OP had some confusion. I think the OP had a wedding, but did NOT have a ceremony. There was nothing ceremonious about it. The walked in and filed some papers. And that's fine. 

As everyone is saying, you can have a ceremony later, but you can't have a WEDDING ceremony later since it's not a wedding. You can have as many ceremonies as you want. But you get one wedding, and you had it. 

If you have a ceremony, you can have a reception. A reception is an event where you receive/host your guests who came to attend something else (i.e. a ceremony). If you don't have a ceremony, you don't have a reception, you just have a party. 

ei34

I'm tired of you using the "in order to live together in Japan we had to get married" as an excuse.  You have to own your choices.  Did you research Japanese law before taking the job?  Were you forced to go teach there?  It's not like some concentration or internment camp or a military draft- I assume you and your H chose to go.  Then once there you chose to get married so you could live together.  Now you're not owning that choice.  You plain and simple don't get two weddings.  

[Deleted User]

I was thinking of getting married in the beginning of 2018 to help avoid getting health insurance penalties (in MA if you dont have health insurance for more than 90 days of the year you get killed in you income tax ) since my FH doesn't have health insurance because he is self-emplyeed and doesn't qualify for state/fed healthcare. 
But my friend was hated on in a WW board when she asked a similar question saying she was lying to her friends and family, lying to the state as well as insulting people that consider their court wedding their one and only wedding. 

If I was to do that I would consider calling one a "legal marriage" and then the ones with friends, family and religion my wedding. I wouldn't change rings or bring God into the legal marriage however. I'm not saying court marriages are not equal or anything like that, but I have the ability to have a larger wedding ceremony with friends and family, and I would hope that people that have some kind of reception after to celebrate.   

LondonLisa

Knottiee851c9e7736c0e3c said:

I was thinking of getting married in the beginning of 2018 to help avoid getting health insurance penalties (in MA if you dont have health insurance for more than 90 days of the year you get killed in you income tax ) since my FH doesn't have health insurance because he is self-emplyeed and doesn't qualify for state/fed healthcare. 
But my friend was hated on in a WW board when she asked a similar question saying she was lying to her friends and family, lying to the state as well as insulting people that consider their court wedding their one and only wedding. 

If I was to do that I would consider calling one a "legal marriage" and then the ones with friends, family and religion my wedding. I wouldn't change rings or bring God into the legal marriage however. I'm not saying court marriages are not equal or anything like that, but I have the ability to have a larger wedding ceremony with friends and family, and I would hope that people that have some kind of reception after to celebrate.   

Except that is exactly what you are saying. 

Also, you are lying to friends and family and defrauding the state, (FOR A PARTY!) so I don't really think you should be concerned what God thinks about your marriage (spoiler alert: he isn't that in to liars and cheaters).

Throw a 'we eloped' party, be honest with everyone. Skip the fake ceremony and don't have any wedding-related activities and you are fine. Everyone loves a party. If your religion is important, have your vicar do a private blessing. 

But it it is pathetic for a grown woman to lie and play pretend for a party. 

missJeanLouise

Knottiee851c9e7736c0e3c said:

I was thinking of getting married in the beginning of 2018 to help avoid getting health insurance penalties (in MA if you dont have health insurance for more than 90 days of the year you get killed in you income tax ) since my FH doesn't have health insurance because he is self-emplyeed and doesn't qualify for state/fed healthcare. 
But my friend was hated on in a WW board when she asked a similar question saying she was lying to her friends and family, lying to the state as well as insulting people that consider their court wedding their one and only wedding. 

If I was to do that I would consider calling one a "legal marriage" and then the ones with friends, family and religion my wedding. I wouldn't change rings or bring God into the legal marriage however. I'm not saying court marriages are not equal or anything like that, but I have the ability to have a larger wedding ceremony with friends and family, and I would hope that people that have some kind of reception after to celebrate.   

What would your FI do if he wasn't in a relationship? Why can't your family come to you legal wedding? Especially if it is still 8 months away? Was your friend surprised to learn that people don't like being lied to? Because they don't.

Also, You can not have a wedding ceremony after you are married unless you get divorced or someone dies first! What is so hard to understand about that? You get One wedding, the time you get married is it. After that it is just grown ass adults playing make believe. WHICH IS FINE (imo) if you just OWN IT. Be an adult who makes choices and then stands by them. You want to get married for insurance, fine but you will be Married, no longer single, no longer a bride, a wife. (That's why bridesmaids, showers, bachelorette parties, etc are not appropriate b/c those are for brides, not wives) As someone's wife you are not able to get married again without a divorce or death. 


Side bar:
DH and I had a great conversation the other night about the difference between a Reason and an Excuse. After looking at definitions online we found, a Reason is an explanation (I was late because I had a flat tire and didn't have a spare) (we got married because we didn't want to have to pay the fine for not having insurance) and an Excuse is a reason that deflects personal responsibility (I was late because the tow truck took forever) (we got married but it doesn't count because it wasn't my vision)

[Deleted User]

LondonLisa said:

Knottiee851c9e7736c0e3c said:

I was thinking of getting married in the beginning of 2018 to help avoid getting health insurance penalties (in MA if you dont have health insurance for more than 90 days of the year you get killed in you income tax ) since my FH doesn't have health insurance because he is self-emplyeed and doesn't qualify for state/fed healthcare. 
But my friend was hated on in a WW board when she asked a similar question saying she was lying to her friends and family, lying to the state as well as insulting people that consider their court wedding their one and only wedding. 

If I was to do that I would consider calling one a "legal marriage" and then the ones with friends, family and religion my wedding. I wouldn't change rings or bring God into the legal marriage however. I'm not saying court marriages are not equal or anything like that, but I have the ability to have a larger wedding ceremony with friends and family, and I would hope that people that have some kind of reception after to celebrate.   

Except that is exactly what you are saying. 

Also, you are lying to friends and family and defrauding the state, (FOR A PARTY!) so I don't really think you should be concerned what God thinks about your marriage (spoiler alert: he isn't that in to liars and cheaters).

Throw a 'we eloped' party, be honest with everyone. Skip the fake ceremony and don't have any wedding-related activities and you are fine. Everyone loves a party. If your religion is important, have your vicar do a private blessing. 

But it it is pathetic for a grown woman to lie and play pretend for a party. 

missJeanLouise said:

Knottiee851c9e7736c0e3c said:

I was thinking of getting married in the beginning of 2018 to help avoid getting health insurance penalties (in MA if you dont have health insurance for more than 90 days of the year you get killed in you income tax ) since my FH doesn't have health insurance because he is self-emplyeed and doesn't qualify for state/fed healthcare. 
But my friend was hated on in a WW board when she asked a similar question saying she was lying to her friends and family, lying to the state as well as insulting people that consider their court wedding their one and only wedding. 

If I was to do that I would consider calling one a "legal marriage" and then the ones with friends, family and religion my wedding. I wouldn't change rings or bring God into the legal marriage however. I'm not saying court marriages are not equal or anything like that, but I have the ability to have a larger wedding ceremony with friends and family, and I would hope that people that have some kind of reception after to celebrate.   

What would your FI do if he wasn't in a relationship? Why can't your family come to you legal wedding? Especially if it is still 8 months away? Was your friend surprised to learn that people don't like being lied to? Because they don't.

Also, You can not have a wedding ceremony after you are married unless you get divorced or someone dies first! What is so hard to understand about that? You get One wedding, the time you get married is it. After that it is just grown ass adults playing make believe. WHICH IS FINE (imo) if you just OWN IT. Be an adult who makes choices and then stands by them. You want to get married for insurance, fine but you will be Married, no longer single, no longer a bride, a wife. (That's why bridesmaids, showers, bachelorette parties, etc are not appropriate b/c those are for brides, not wives) As someone's wife you are not able to get married again without a divorce or death. 


Side bar:
DH and I had a great conversation the other night about the difference between a Reason and an Excuse. After looking at definitions online we found, a Reason is an explanation (I was late because I had a flat tire and didn't have a spare) (we got married because we didn't want to have to pay the fine for not having insurance) and an Excuse is a reason that deflects personal responsibility (I was late because the tow truck took forever) (we got married but it doesn't count because it wasn't my vision)

I don't  agree with that. you may get one legal marriage, but a wedding is different.  Its my belief and its not going to change  
I think that if you want a court wedding to be special you can and people do all the time. but that's not what I want. I want my family and friends, my court house limits to 5 people.
 I don't know why you are saying that we are "lying"? because in order for that we would have to not be honest. . . which it would be (aka everyone would know).  
I believe a wedding is what you make it, out vows, our family and being led by a church member (who knows that we would be  legally married already ) to join us together in God.  There will be people form all over Europe and south america to join this day. its not just about "a party", its the uniting of two families and the couple socially celebrating their love.  I can sign a paper in a court house with two witnesses and that is supposed to represent the same thing?  weddings are about love, marriage is about law.  

LondonLisa

linzlovzsouza said:

LondonLisa said:

Knottiee851c9e7736c0e3c said:

I was thinking of getting married in the beginning of 2018 to help avoid getting health insurance penalties (in MA if you dont have health insurance for more than 90 days of the year you get killed in you income tax ) since my FH doesn't have health insurance because he is self-emplyeed and doesn't qualify for state/fed healthcare. 
But my friend was hated on in a WW board when she asked a similar question saying she was lying to her friends and family, lying to the state as well as insulting people that consider their court wedding their one and only wedding. 

If I was to do that I would consider calling one a "legal marriage" and then the ones with friends, family and religion my wedding. I wouldn't change rings or bring God into the legal marriage however. I'm not saying court marriages are not equal or anything like that, but I have the ability to have a larger wedding ceremony with friends and family, and I would hope that people that have some kind of reception after to celebrate.   

Except that is exactly what you are saying. 

Also, you are lying to friends and family and defrauding the state, (FOR A PARTY!) so I don't really think you should be concerned what God thinks about your marriage (spoiler alert: he isn't that in to liars and cheaters).

Throw a 'we eloped' party, be honest with everyone. Skip the fake ceremony and don't have any wedding-related activities and you are fine. Everyone loves a party. If your religion is important, have your vicar do a private blessing. 

But it it is pathetic for a grown woman to lie and play pretend for a party. 

missJeanLouise said:

Knottiee851c9e7736c0e3c said:

I was thinking of getting married in the beginning of 2018 to help avoid getting health insurance penalties (in MA if you dont have health insurance for more than 90 days of the year you get killed in you income tax ) since my FH doesn't have health insurance because he is self-emplyeed and doesn't qualify for state/fed healthcare. 
But my friend was hated on in a WW board when she asked a similar question saying she was lying to her friends and family, lying to the state as well as insulting people that consider their court wedding their one and only wedding. 

If I was to do that I would consider calling one a "legal marriage" and then the ones with friends, family and religion my wedding. I wouldn't change rings or bring God into the legal marriage however. I'm not saying court marriages are not equal or anything like that, but I have the ability to have a larger wedding ceremony with friends and family, and I would hope that people that have some kind of reception after to celebrate.   

What would your FI do if he wasn't in a relationship? Why can't your family come to you legal wedding? Especially if it is still 8 months away? Was your friend surprised to learn that people don't like being lied to? Because they don't.

Also, You can not have a wedding ceremony after you are married unless you get divorced or someone dies first! What is so hard to understand about that? You get One wedding, the time you get married is it. After that it is just grown ass adults playing make believe. WHICH IS FINE (imo) if you just OWN IT. Be an adult who makes choices and then stands by them. You want to get married for insurance, fine but you will be Married, no longer single, no longer a bride, a wife. (That's why bridesmaids, showers, bachelorette parties, etc are not appropriate b/c those are for brides, not wives) As someone's wife you are not able to get married again without a divorce or death. 


Side bar:
DH and I had a great conversation the other night about the difference between a Reason and an Excuse. After looking at definitions online we found, a Reason is an explanation (I was late because I had a flat tire and didn't have a spare) (we got married because we didn't want to have to pay the fine for not having insurance) and an Excuse is a reason that deflects personal responsibility (I was late because the tow truck took forever) (we got married but it doesn't count because it wasn't my vision)

I don't  agree with that. you may get one legal marriage, but a wedding is different.  Its my belief and its not going to change  
I think that if you want a court wedding to be special you can and people do all the time. but that's not what I want. I want my family and friends, my court house limits to 5 people.
 I don't know why you are saying that we are "lying"? because in order for that we would have to not be honest. . . which it would be (aka everyone would know).  
I believe a wedding is what you make it, out vows, our family and being led by a church member (who knows that we would be  legally married already ) to join us together in God.  There will be people form all over Europe and south america to join this day. its not just about "a party", its the uniting of two families and the couple socially celebrating their love.  I can sign a paper in a court house with two witnesses and that is supposed to represent the same thing?  weddings are about love, marriage is about law.  

It's lying because either your married or your not. You are signing a declaration that you are married. You are saying to your state you are married in order to receive benefits. You then want to have a 'wedding' ceremony as if you are not married. That's lying. 

Again, have a party, but you are not a bride, you are a wife. Make a toast to how much you love your husband, but you cannot promise to take this groom as you lawfully wedded husband before god, because you already did. You can't have bridesmaids because you are a wife. 

You are either lying to the state or lying to the church that you are a bride. No one is saying to not throw a party, but don't have a wedding ceremony reinactment. If you want a traditional white  church wedding, don't have a courthouse wedding. It's really that simple. 

missJeanLouise

linzlovzsouza said:

LondonLisa said:

Knottiee851c9e7736c0e3c said:

I was thinking of getting married in the beginning of 2018 to help avoid getting health insurance penalties (in MA if you dont have health insurance for more than 90 days of the year you get killed in you income tax ) since my FH doesn't have health insurance because he is self-emplyeed and doesn't qualify for state/fed healthcare. 
But my friend was hated on in a WW board when she asked a similar question saying she was lying to her friends and family, lying to the state as well as insulting people that consider their court wedding their one and only wedding. 

If I was to do that I would consider calling one a "legal marriage" and then the ones with friends, family and religion my wedding. I wouldn't change rings or bring God into the legal marriage however. I'm not saying court marriages are not equal or anything like that, but I have the ability to have a larger wedding ceremony with friends and family, and I would hope that people that have some kind of reception after to celebrate.   

Except that is exactly what you are saying. 

Also, you are lying to friends and family and defrauding the state, (FOR A PARTY!) so I don't really think you should be concerned what God thinks about your marriage (spoiler alert: he isn't that in to liars and cheaters).

Throw a 'we eloped' party, be honest with everyone. Skip the fake ceremony and don't have any wedding-related activities and you are fine. Everyone loves a party. If your religion is important, have your vicar do a private blessing. 

But it it is pathetic for a grown woman to lie and play pretend for a party. 

missJeanLouise said:

Knottiee851c9e7736c0e3c said:

I was thinking of getting married in the beginning of 2018 to help avoid getting health insurance penalties (in MA if you dont have health insurance for more than 90 days of the year you get killed in you income tax ) since my FH doesn't have health insurance because he is self-emplyeed and doesn't qualify for state/fed healthcare. 
But my friend was hated on in a WW board when she asked a similar question saying she was lying to her friends and family, lying to the state as well as insulting people that consider their court wedding their one and only wedding. 

If I was to do that I would consider calling one a "legal marriage" and then the ones with friends, family and religion my wedding. I wouldn't change rings or bring God into the legal marriage however. I'm not saying court marriages are not equal or anything like that, but I have the ability to have a larger wedding ceremony with friends and family, and I would hope that people that have some kind of reception after to celebrate.   

What would your FI do if he wasn't in a relationship? Why can't your family come to you legal wedding? Especially if it is still 8 months away? Was your friend surprised to learn that people don't like being lied to? Because they don't.

Also, You can not have a wedding ceremony after you are married unless you get divorced or someone dies first! What is so hard to understand about that? You get One wedding, the time you get married is it. After that it is just grown ass adults playing make believe. WHICH IS FINE (imo) if you just OWN IT. Be an adult who makes choices and then stands by them. You want to get married for insurance, fine but you will be Married, no longer single, no longer a bride, a wife. (That's why bridesmaids, showers, bachelorette parties, etc are not appropriate b/c those are for brides, not wives) As someone's wife you are not able to get married again without a divorce or death. 


Side bar:
DH and I had a great conversation the other night about the difference between a Reason and an Excuse. After looking at definitions online we found, a Reason is an explanation (I was late because I had a flat tire and didn't have a spare) (we got married because we didn't want to have to pay the fine for not having insurance) and an Excuse is a reason that deflects personal responsibility (I was late because the tow truck took forever) (we got married but it doesn't count because it wasn't my vision)

I don't  agree with that. you may get one legal marriage, but a wedding is different.  Its my belief and its not going to change  
I think that if you want a court wedding to be special you can and people do all the time. but that's not what I want. I want my family and friends, my court house limits to 5 people.
 I don't know why you are saying that we are "lying"? because in order for that we would have to not be honest. . . which it would be (aka everyone would know).  
I believe a wedding is what you make it, out vows, our family and being led by a church member (who knows that we would be  legally married already ) to join us together in God.  There will be people form all over Europe and south america to join this day. its not just about "a party", its the uniting of two families and the couple socially celebrating their love.  I can sign a paper in a court house with two witnesses and that is supposed to represent the same thing?  weddings are about love, marriage is about law.  

Marriage is what you have after a wedding. At a wedding you get married, the day you get married is your wedding day. You are either married or you are not. I still don't understand why your family can't come to your legal wedding? Why even go to the courthouse if that is not what you want, just get married at the church with your friends and family. What is the issue?

I was saying your friend was lying because You said your friend was lying, or was this a "friend"?

[Deleted User]

missJeanLouise said:

linzlovzsouza said:

LondonLisa said:

Knottiee851c9e7736c0e3c said:

I was thinking of getting married in the beginning of 2018 to help avoid getting health insurance penalties (in MA if you dont have health insurance for more than 90 days of the year you get killed in you income tax ) since my FH doesn't have health insurance because he is self-emplyeed and doesn't qualify for state/fed healthcare. 
But my friend was hated on in a WW board when she asked a similar question saying she was lying to her friends and family, lying to the state as well as insulting people that consider their court wedding their one and only wedding. 

If I was to do that I would consider calling one a "legal marriage" and then the ones with friends, family and religion my wedding. I wouldn't change rings or bring God into the legal marriage however. I'm not saying court marriages are not equal or anything like that, but I have the ability to have a larger wedding ceremony with friends and family, and I would hope that people that have some kind of reception after to celebrate.   

Except that is exactly what you are saying. 

Also, you are lying to friends and family and defrauding the state, (FOR A PARTY!) so I don't really think you should be concerned what God thinks about your marriage (spoiler alert: he isn't that in to liars and cheaters).

Throw a 'we eloped' party, be honest with everyone. Skip the fake ceremony and don't have any wedding-related activities and you are fine. Everyone loves a party. If your religion is important, have your vicar do a private blessing. 

But it it is pathetic for a grown woman to lie and play pretend for a party. 

missJeanLouise said:

Knottiee851c9e7736c0e3c said:

I was thinking of getting married in the beginning of 2018 to help avoid getting health insurance penalties (in MA if you dont have health insurance for more than 90 days of the year you get killed in you income tax ) since my FH doesn't have health insurance because he is self-emplyeed and doesn't qualify for state/fed healthcare. 
But my friend was hated on in a WW board when she asked a similar question saying she was lying to her friends and family, lying to the state as well as insulting people that consider their court wedding their one and only wedding. 

If I was to do that I would consider calling one a "legal marriage" and then the ones with friends, family and religion my wedding. I wouldn't change rings or bring God into the legal marriage however. I'm not saying court marriages are not equal or anything like that, but I have the ability to have a larger wedding ceremony with friends and family, and I would hope that people that have some kind of reception after to celebrate.   

What would your FI do if he wasn't in a relationship? Why can't your family come to you legal wedding? Especially if it is still 8 months away? Was your friend surprised to learn that people don't like being lied to? Because they don't.

Also, You can not have a wedding ceremony after you are married unless you get divorced or someone dies first! What is so hard to understand about that? You get One wedding, the time you get married is it. After that it is just grown ass adults playing make believe. WHICH IS FINE (imo) if you just OWN IT. Be an adult who makes choices and then stands by them. You want to get married for insurance, fine but you will be Married, no longer single, no longer a bride, a wife. (That's why bridesmaids, showers, bachelorette parties, etc are not appropriate b/c those are for brides, not wives) As someone's wife you are not able to get married again without a divorce or death. 


Side bar:
DH and I had a great conversation the other night about the difference between a Reason and an Excuse. After looking at definitions online we found, a Reason is an explanation (I was late because I had a flat tire and didn't have a spare) (we got married because we didn't want to have to pay the fine for not having insurance) and an Excuse is a reason that deflects personal responsibility (I was late because the tow truck took forever) (we got married but it doesn't count because it wasn't my vision)

I don't  agree with that. you may get one legal marriage, but a wedding is different.  Its my belief and its not going to change  
I think that if you want a court wedding to be special you can and people do all the time. but that's not what I want. I want my family and friends, my court house limits to 5 people.
 I don't know why you are saying that we are "lying"? because in order for that we would have to not be honest. . . which it would be (aka everyone would know).  
I believe a wedding is what you make it, out vows, our family and being led by a church member (who knows that we would be  legally married already ) to join us together in God.  There will be people form all over Europe and south america to join this day. its not just about "a party", its the uniting of two families and the couple socially celebrating their love.  I can sign a paper in a court house with two witnesses and that is supposed to represent the same thing?  weddings are about love, marriage is about law.  

Marriage is what you have after a wedding. At a wedding you get married, the day you get married is your wedding day. You are either married or you are not. I still don't understand why your family can't come to your legal wedding? Why even go to the courthouse if that is not what you want, just get married at the church with your friends and family. What is the issue?

I was saying your friend was lying because You said your friend was lying, or was this a "friend"?

I already disused why I was thinking about getting married before. the state only lets you bring five people into the courthouse. My friend and I are on the same boat with this, It not my job to ask her if she is telling her family, but I am saying I would tell mine.   

missJeanLouise

linzlovzsouza said:

missJeanLouise said:

linzlovzsouza said:

LondonLisa said:

Knottiee851c9e7736c0e3c said:

I was thinking of getting married in the beginning of 2018 to help avoid getting health insurance penalties (in MA if you dont have health insurance for more than 90 days of the year you get killed in you income tax ) since my FH doesn't have health insurance because he is self-emplyeed and doesn't qualify for state/fed healthcare. 
But my friend was hated on in a WW board when she asked a similar question saying she was lying to her friends and family, lying to the state as well as insulting people that consider their court wedding their one and only wedding. 

If I was to do that I would consider calling one a "legal marriage" and then the ones with friends, family and religion my wedding. I wouldn't change rings or bring God into the legal marriage however. I'm not saying court marriages are not equal or anything like that, but I have the ability to have a larger wedding ceremony with friends and family, and I would hope that people that have some kind of reception after to celebrate.   

Except that is exactly what you are saying. 

Also, you are lying to friends and family and defrauding the state, (FOR A PARTY!) so I don't really think you should be concerned what God thinks about your marriage (spoiler alert: he isn't that in to liars and cheaters).

Throw a 'we eloped' party, be honest with everyone. Skip the fake ceremony and don't have any wedding-related activities and you are fine. Everyone loves a party. If your religion is important, have your vicar do a private blessing. 

But it it is pathetic for a grown woman to lie and play pretend for a party. 

missJeanLouise said:

Knottiee851c9e7736c0e3c said:

I was thinking of getting married in the beginning of 2018 to help avoid getting health insurance penalties (in MA if you dont have health insurance for more than 90 days of the year you get killed in you income tax ) since my FH doesn't have health insurance because he is self-emplyeed and doesn't qualify for state/fed healthcare. 
But my friend was hated on in a WW board when she asked a similar question saying she was lying to her friends and family, lying to the state as well as insulting people that consider their court wedding their one and only wedding. 

If I was to do that I would consider calling one a "legal marriage" and then the ones with friends, family and religion my wedding. I wouldn't change rings or bring God into the legal marriage however. I'm not saying court marriages are not equal or anything like that, but I have the ability to have a larger wedding ceremony with friends and family, and I would hope that people that have some kind of reception after to celebrate.   

What would your FI do if he wasn't in a relationship? Why can't your family come to you legal wedding? Especially if it is still 8 months away? Was your friend surprised to learn that people don't like being lied to? Because they don't.

Also, You can not have a wedding ceremony after you are married unless you get divorced or someone dies first! What is so hard to understand about that? You get One wedding, the time you get married is it. After that it is just grown ass adults playing make believe. WHICH IS FINE (imo) if you just OWN IT. Be an adult who makes choices and then stands by them. You want to get married for insurance, fine but you will be Married, no longer single, no longer a bride, a wife. (That's why bridesmaids, showers, bachelorette parties, etc are not appropriate b/c those are for brides, not wives) As someone's wife you are not able to get married again without a divorce or death. 


Side bar:
DH and I had a great conversation the other night about the difference between a Reason and an Excuse. After looking at definitions online we found, a Reason is an explanation (I was late because I had a flat tire and didn't have a spare) (we got married because we didn't want to have to pay the fine for not having insurance) and an Excuse is a reason that deflects personal responsibility (I was late because the tow truck took forever) (we got married but it doesn't count because it wasn't my vision)

I don't  agree with that. you may get one legal marriage, but a wedding is different.  Its my belief and its not going to change  
I think that if you want a court wedding to be special you can and people do all the time. but that's not what I want. I want my family and friends, my court house limits to 5 people.
 I don't know why you are saying that we are "lying"? because in order for that we would have to not be honest. . . which it would be (aka everyone would know).  
I believe a wedding is what you make it, out vows, our family and being led by a church member (who knows that we would be  legally married already ) to join us together in God.  There will be people form all over Europe and south america to join this day. its not just about "a party", its the uniting of two families and the couple socially celebrating their love.  I can sign a paper in a court house with two witnesses and that is supposed to represent the same thing?  weddings are about love, marriage is about law.  

Marriage is what you have after a wedding. At a wedding you get married, the day you get married is your wedding day. You are either married or you are not. I still don't understand why your family can't come to your legal wedding? Why even go to the courthouse if that is not what you want, just get married at the church with your friends and family. What is the issue?

I was saying your friend was lying because You said your friend was lying, or was this a "friend"?

I already disused why I was thinking about getting married before. the state only lets you bring five people into the courthouse. My friend and I are on the same boat with this, It not my job to ask her if she is telling her family, but I am saying I would tell mine.   

But Why do you have to go to the courthouse? Just get married at the church with your friends and family. What is the issue? There is 8 months to plan, plenty of time to do a casual reception.

[Deleted User]

LondonLisa said:

linzlovzsouza said:

LondonLisa said:

Knottiee851c9e7736c0e3c said:

I was thinking of getting married in the beginning of 2018 to help avoid getting health insurance penalties (in MA if you dont have health insurance for more than 90 days of the year you get killed in you income tax ) since my FH doesn't have health insurance because he is self-emplyeed and doesn't qualify for state/fed healthcare. 
But my friend was hated on in a WW board when she asked a similar question saying she was lying to her friends and family, lying to the state as well as insulting people that consider their court wedding their one and only wedding. 

If I was to do that I would consider calling one a "legal marriage" and then the ones with friends, family and religion my wedding. I wouldn't change rings or bring God into the legal marriage however. I'm not saying court marriages are not equal or anything like that, but I have the ability to have a larger wedding ceremony with friends and family, and I would hope that people that have some kind of reception after to celebrate.   

Except that is exactly what you are saying. 

Also, you are lying to friends and family and defrauding the state, (FOR A PARTY!) so I don't really think you should be concerned what God thinks about your marriage (spoiler alert: he isn't that in to liars and cheaters).

Throw a 'we eloped' party, be honest with everyone. Skip the fake ceremony and don't have any wedding-related activities and you are fine. Everyone loves a party. If your religion is important, have your vicar do a private blessing. 

But it it is pathetic for a grown woman to lie and play pretend for a party. 

missJeanLouise said:

Knottiee851c9e7736c0e3c said:

I was thinking of getting married in the beginning of 2018 to help avoid getting health insurance penalties (in MA if you dont have health insurance for more than 90 days of the year you get killed in you income tax ) since my FH doesn't have health insurance because he is self-emplyeed and doesn't qualify for state/fed healthcare. 
But my friend was hated on in a WW board when she asked a similar question saying she was lying to her friends and family, lying to the state as well as insulting people that consider their court wedding their one and only wedding. 

If I was to do that I would consider calling one a "legal marriage" and then the ones with friends, family and religion my wedding. I wouldn't change rings or bring God into the legal marriage however. I'm not saying court marriages are not equal or anything like that, but I have the ability to have a larger wedding ceremony with friends and family, and I would hope that people that have some kind of reception after to celebrate.   

What would your FI do if he wasn't in a relationship? Why can't your family come to you legal wedding? Especially if it is still 8 months away? Was your friend surprised to learn that people don't like being lied to? Because they don't.

Also, You can not have a wedding ceremony after you are married unless you get divorced or someone dies first! What is so hard to understand about that? You get One wedding, the time you get married is it. After that it is just grown ass adults playing make believe. WHICH IS FINE (imo) if you just OWN IT. Be an adult who makes choices and then stands by them. You want to get married for insurance, fine but you will be Married, no longer single, no longer a bride, a wife. (That's why bridesmaids, showers, bachelorette parties, etc are not appropriate b/c those are for brides, not wives) As someone's wife you are not able to get married again without a divorce or death. 


Side bar:
DH and I had a great conversation the other night about the difference between a Reason and an Excuse. After looking at definitions online we found, a Reason is an explanation (I was late because I had a flat tire and didn't have a spare) (we got married because we didn't want to have to pay the fine for not having insurance) and an Excuse is a reason that deflects personal responsibility (I was late because the tow truck took forever) (we got married but it doesn't count because it wasn't my vision)

I don't  agree with that. you may get one legal marriage, but a wedding is different.  Its my belief and its not going to change  
I think that if you want a court wedding to be special you can and people do all the time. but that's not what I want. I want my family and friends, my court house limits to 5 people.
 I don't know why you are saying that we are "lying"? because in order for that we would have to not be honest. . . which it would be (aka everyone would know).  
I believe a wedding is what you make it, out vows, our family and being led by a church member (who knows that we would be  legally married already ) to join us together in God.  There will be people form all over Europe and south america to join this day. its not just about "a party", its the uniting of two families and the couple socially celebrating their love.  I can sign a paper in a court house with two witnesses and that is supposed to represent the same thing?  weddings are about love, marriage is about law.  

It's lying because either your married or your not. You are signing a declaration that you are married. You are saying to your state you are married in order to receive benefits. You then want to have a 'wedding' ceremony as if you are not married. That's lying. 

Again, have a party, but you are not a bride, you are a wife. Make a toast to how much you love your husband, but you cannot promise to take this groom as you lawfully wedded husband before god, because you already did. You can't have bridesmaids because you are a wife. 

You are either lying to the state or lying to the church that you are a bride. No one is saying to not throw a party, but don't have a wedding ceremony reinactment. If you want a traditional white  church wedding, don't have a courthouse wedding. It's really that simple. 

I would only be married though the state, not though my religion or friends/ family. There are not God vows in the court. I may be on paper, but not socially and religiously. Because I consider the social/religious day my wedding day, which its my life and I can do, I am considered a bride.  

missJeanLouise

I would only be married though the state, not though my religion or friends/ family. There are not God vows in the court. I may be on paper, but not socially and religiously. Because I consider the social/religious day my wedding day, which its my life and I can do, I am considered a bride


SITB

You can consider yourself to be a cheesecake but that doesn't make it true. Sounds like you already went to the courthouse and are married but now you want a Do Over.

ETA: if I am wrong, WHAT IS STOPPING YOU FROM GETTING MARRIED IN THE CHURCH IN THE FIRSTPLACE????

banana468

linzlovzsouza said:

LondonLisa said:

linzlovzsouza said:

LondonLisa said:

Knottiee851c9e7736c0e3c said:

I was thinking of getting married in the beginning of 2018 to help avoid getting health insurance penalties (in MA if you dont have health insurance for more than 90 days of the year you get killed in you income tax ) since my FH doesn't have health insurance because he is self-emplyeed and doesn't qualify for state/fed healthcare. 
But my friend was hated on in a WW board when she asked a similar question saying she was lying to her friends and family, lying to the state as well as insulting people that consider their court wedding their one and only wedding. 

If I was to do that I would consider calling one a "legal marriage" and then the ones with friends, family and religion my wedding. I wouldn't change rings or bring God into the legal marriage however. I'm not saying court marriages are not equal or anything like that, but I have the ability to have a larger wedding ceremony with friends and family, and I would hope that people that have some kind of reception after to celebrate.   

Except that is exactly what you are saying. 

Also, you are lying to friends and family and defrauding the state, (FOR A PARTY!) so I don't really think you should be concerned what God thinks about your marriage (spoiler alert: he isn't that in to liars and cheaters).

Throw a 'we eloped' party, be honest with everyone. Skip the fake ceremony and don't have any wedding-related activities and you are fine. Everyone loves a party. If your religion is important, have your vicar do a private blessing. 

But it it is pathetic for a grown woman to lie and play pretend for a party. 

missJeanLouise said:

Knottiee851c9e7736c0e3c said:

I was thinking of getting married in the beginning of 2018 to help avoid getting health insurance penalties (in MA if you dont have health insurance for more than 90 days of the year you get killed in you income tax ) since my FH doesn't have health insurance because he is self-emplyeed and doesn't qualify for state/fed healthcare. 
But my friend was hated on in a WW board when she asked a similar question saying she was lying to her friends and family, lying to the state as well as insulting people that consider their court wedding their one and only wedding. 

If I was to do that I would consider calling one a "legal marriage" and then the ones with friends, family and religion my wedding. I wouldn't change rings or bring God into the legal marriage however. I'm not saying court marriages are not equal or anything like that, but I have the ability to have a larger wedding ceremony with friends and family, and I would hope that people that have some kind of reception after to celebrate.   

What would your FI do if he wasn't in a relationship? Why can't your family come to you legal wedding? Especially if it is still 8 months away? Was your friend surprised to learn that people don't like being lied to? Because they don't.

Also, You can not have a wedding ceremony after you are married unless you get divorced or someone dies first! What is so hard to understand about that? You get One wedding, the time you get married is it. After that it is just grown ass adults playing make believe. WHICH IS FINE (imo) if you just OWN IT. Be an adult who makes choices and then stands by them. You want to get married for insurance, fine but you will be Married, no longer single, no longer a bride, a wife. (That's why bridesmaids, showers, bachelorette parties, etc are not appropriate b/c those are for brides, not wives) As someone's wife you are not able to get married again without a divorce or death. 


Side bar:
DH and I had a great conversation the other night about the difference between a Reason and an Excuse. After looking at definitions online we found, a Reason is an explanation (I was late because I had a flat tire and didn't have a spare) (we got married because we didn't want to have to pay the fine for not having insurance) and an Excuse is a reason that deflects personal responsibility (I was late because the tow truck took forever) (we got married but it doesn't count because it wasn't my vision)

I don't  agree with that. you may get one legal marriage, but a wedding is different.  Its my belief and its not going to change  
I think that if you want a court wedding to be special you can and people do all the time. but that's not what I want. I want my family and friends, my court house limits to 5 people.
 I don't know why you are saying that we are "lying"? because in order for that we would have to not be honest. . . which it would be (aka everyone would know).  
I believe a wedding is what you make it, out vows, our family and being led by a church member (who knows that we would be  legally married already ) to join us together in God.  There will be people form all over Europe and south america to join this day. its not just about "a party", its the uniting of two families and the couple socially celebrating their love.  I can sign a paper in a court house with two witnesses and that is supposed to represent the same thing?  weddings are about love, marriage is about law.  

It's lying because either your married or your not. You are signing a declaration that you are married. You are saying to your state you are married in order to receive benefits. You then want to have a 'wedding' ceremony as if you are not married. That's lying. 

Again, have a party, but you are not a bride, you are a wife. Make a toast to how much you love your husband, but you cannot promise to take this groom as you lawfully wedded husband before god, because you already did. You can't have bridesmaids because you are a wife. 

You are either lying to the state or lying to the church that you are a bride. No one is saying to not throw a party, but don't have a wedding ceremony reinactment. If you want a traditional white  church wedding, don't have a courthouse wedding. It's really that simple. 

I would only be married though the state, not though my religion or friends/ family. There are not God vows in the court. I may be on paper, but not socially and religiously. Because I consider the social/religious day my wedding day, which its my life and I can do, I am considered a bride.  

Have you actually investigated this within your faith?  Because despite your "opinion" the fact is that many faiths aren't agreeing with you.

For example, this doesn't work in the Catholic Church in America.    Your civil union would be recognized and you would need to ask for a Convalidation ceremony.    The ceremony is generally not viewed to be one with a giant white poofy dress with all the bells and whistles.     Many priests request that you do not have sexual relations until that ceremony.   And they certainly wouldn't allow you to deceive them and show up for a Catholic wedding without a marriage license.  

southernbelle0915

@linzlovzsouza - It's May 2017. You're talking about a penalty that doesn't affect you if you get married between now and April of 2018. 

Why can't you plan a wedding between now and then. Like a real one? Where you get married and have your reception on the same day? 

redoryx

I feel like she is purposely dodging what everyone is asking because she doesn't actually have an answer to the question why can't she just have her "religious wedding" the same day as her "legal wedding."

(Well, an answer other than "Because this is what I want to do.") 

Also, OP, as has been pointed out you probably should go ahead and check with your church about this. As I stated in another post to the OP, other countries you HAVE to have a separate church and civil ceremony. But the US isn't like that -- we can wrap them all up into one which is why many churches won't do what you're asking them to do because, hi, you'll already be married. 

geebee908

southernbelle0915 said:

@linzlovzsouza - It's May 2017. You're talking about a penalty that doesn't affect you if you get married between now and April of 2018. 

Why can't you plan a wedding between now and then. Like a real one? Where you get married and have your reception on the same day? 

redoryx said:

I feel like she is purposely dodging what everyone is asking because she doesn't actually have an answer to the question why can't she just have her "religious wedding" the same day as her "legal wedding."

I'm betting that the real answer to the question is that she's already married and that's why she can't plan a wedding before the insurance/tax deadline. Her PPD date is June of 2018; what's so hard about moving the date up by 2 or 3 months?

DrillSergeantCat

I planned a wedding in 9 months. You have 13.5 months. I'm pretty sure a lot of women in here had less time than I did. Just plan your wedding (i.e. the day you sign legal papers and have a ceremony) for the beginning of the year. Why is this so hard?

Casadena

I was only engaged for 6 months before we got married.  We planned a a full religious ceremony, reception for 250 people, and our honeymoon  - from another city.  It's not difficult and can absolutely be done.  There is literally no reason that you can't have your "legal marriage" be the same day as your religious one.  Just move the date of the religious one up to the day you would be planning to do your "legal one".

bleve0821

So I'm a little PPD-lite, if people are upfront and honest about it, but I had to jump in here because this is getting absurd.

I posed this as a hypothetical to my husband this morning:

Me: If we signed papers in June 2015 at the courthouse so the state would recognize us as a legally married unit because you needed health insurance, but we still planned and had a "real" wedding when we had it, when would you have considered us married and why?

DH: June 2015 because that's when we got married.

Me: But it wasn't a real wedding!  I didn't wear my white dress or have my bridesmaids and we didn't say our vows and have our first dance--!

DH: We could have still danced in your dress in the courthouse and said vows in the car.

Me:  But it wasn't a REAL WEDDING.  No one was there!  It wasn't in a place of worship!  June 2015 CAN'T be our anniversary, we weren't REALLY married because none of these things happened.

DH:  False.

I hope you understand how ridiculous all of this sounds.  If you're married, own that you are married.

DrillSergeantCat

atomicblonde said:

So I'm a little PPD-lite, if people are upfront and honest about it, but I had to jump in here because this is getting absurd.

I posed this as a hypothetical to my husband this morning:

Me: If we signed papers in June 2015 at the courthouse so the state would recognize us as a legally married unit because you needed health insurance, but we still planned and had a "real" wedding when we had it, when would you have considered us married and why?

DH: June 2015 because that's when we got married.

Me: But it wasn't a real wedding!  I didn't wear my white dress or have my bridesmaids and we didn't say our vows and have our first dance--!

DH: We could have still danced in your dress in the courthouse and said vows in the car.

Me:  But it wasn't a REAL WEDDING.  No one was there!  It wasn't in a place of worship!  June 2015 CAN'T be our anniversary, we weren't REALLY married because none of these things happened.

DH:  False.

I hope you understand how ridiculous all of this sounds.  If you're married, own that you are married.

My first wedding was a courthouse wedding. We said vows. So that makes this scenario of hers even more absurd.

kahluakoala

Personally, until health insurance is fixed in the united states, I will never fault anyone for having to make a difficult to decision to receive what, IMO, is a basic human right. 

short+sassy

Casadena said:

I was only engaged for 6 months before we got married.  We planned a a full religious ceremony, reception for 250 people, and our honeymoon  - from another city.  It's not difficult and can absolutely be done.  There is literally no reason that you can't have your "legal marriage" be the same day as your religious one.  Just move the date of the religious one up to the day you would be planning to do your "legal one".

Yep!  I got engaged in Nov. 20, 2012 and had my "halfway across the country from me" wedding 7 months later on June 22, 2013.  Then we went on a week long honeymoon at a third location.  Other than more flying than I care to do in less than two weeks time, lol.  Totally doable.

It's possible your dream venue isn't available or some other "vision" item can't be done in 8 months.  So compromise.  For bridal couples who want their friends/family to be there when they become man and wife, the most important parts are...that is what people are witnessing.  And guest comfort, like a chair for every behind and food/drink appropriate for the time of day the reception is being held.  All of that can be done at a variety of places for every budget.

As PPs have pointed out, most religions and/or churches DO recognize civil unions and aren't cool with a traditional wedding ceremony do-over for two people who are already married.  A blessing for the newly married couple.  Sure.  In Catholicism, a convalidation ceremony.  Sure.

In addition to religion, you also mentioned "socially"?  That isn't a thing.  Anywhere.  At all.  At least that I know of and certainly not in this country.  All the PPs on this board are part of society.  And, as you can see, the vast majority of us consider a couple married when they are legally married.

If my friends elope or have a private ceremony, and then I'm invited to a Celebration of Marriage party after the fact.  I'm happy to go and celebrate.  But, even if they have some kind of ceremony or vow renewal, nobody is saying, "Oh!  Well now they're REALLY married, because they had a ceremony in front of friends/family."  No.  Myself and most/all guests will consider them already married.  Because they are.

You are hanging your hat on having a "different" definition of a wedding than most of the rest of society and the law.  There isn't one.  A wedding is when two people sign papers that they are now married and have it witnessed.  Sometimes signing those papers includes a ceremony aspect.  Either religious or not.  But it doesn't have to.  It is still a wedding.

charlotte989875

Again, I'm PPD-lite, like really lite, like it really doesn't bother me much if there is some reason (I don't really care what) you want to have a small/private/courthouse/sign papers/whatever then a religious ceremony. Whatever, I just don't care. 

But, and here's the big but, I'm in the minority (here and I would presume everywhere else). Lots of people do care. A lot. And these people are your close friends and family. So do you really want to risk permanently damaging your relationship with them, especially in the case of @linzlovzsouza when you really don't need to? It just doesn't seem like you have a reason at all for the separate ceremonies and you have tons of time to plan them all together.  

southernbelle0915

KahluaKoala said:

Personally, until health insurance is fixed in the united states, I will never fault anyone for having to make a difficult to decision to receive what, IMO, is a basic human right. 

That's not really the point. If you need to get married so that you can have health insurance, get married. Totally responsible, adult choice. But you're married. 

And it shouldn't be a difficult decision. Presumably, you're happy to be getting married, the issue is just timing. 

banana468

southernbelle0915 said:

KahluaKoala said:

Personally, until health insurance is fixed in the united states, I will never fault anyone for having to make a difficult to decision to receive what, IMO, is a basic human right. 

That's not really the point. If you need to get married so that you can have health insurance, get married. Totally responsible, adult choice. But you're married. 

And it shouldn't be a difficult decision. Presumably, you're happy to be getting married, the issue is just timing. 

Yup this.

What would you do if you weren't in a relationship and still needed insurance?   

I agree it's responsible to have health insurance.   It's not responsible to say that your decision to marry, to be recognized as married by your employer, your health insurance company and the US government means that perfect strangers should get to see you as married but your grandmother, cousin, brother, and priest should understand that you don't really see yourself that way.   It doesn't work that way.

Friends of ours found out that they were having their first child and married in a church within 6 weeks.  It may hard work but it's possible.  

OurWildKingdom

Why are we even bothering to try to educate people? Brides who want PPDs are going to do what they want and justify it to themselves.