Etiquette

Gifts shipped not brought??

135

Re: Gifts shipped not brought??

  • STARMOON44STARMOON44
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    edited September 27
    Yeah but we obviously criticize brides (rightfully) for doing things that are annoying to their guests. Like a gap for instance - is simply an annoyance so we tell brides and grooms to be considerate. This distinction between "rude" and "annoying" is super arbitrary. I am of the opinion that if you're going to give a gift, you should do it in a way that doesn't cause extra burden for the recipient. Or else, who is the gift really for?
    I'm pretty late to this party, but I don't think it's "annoying" (or rude) to bring a gift to an event where gifts are VERY commonly given - whether it's something the couple asked for (registry gift) or a card with cash in it. If the hosts think that's "annoying" or that my gift is burdensome in some way, then I will gladly take it back and spend the money on myself. 
    Are they very commonly given though? Not everywhere. No one does this at weddings I go to. You'd be extremely out of place. 
  • Every wedding I go to has a gifts and cards table.  Usually with a cutesy little sign that says "Cards & Gifts".

    MobKaz
  • Ro041 said:
    Every wedding I go to has a gifts and cards table.  Usually with a cutesy little sign that says "Cards & Gifts".
    That tells you where to put them if you brought them with you.   Having the table isn't telling you that it's the best idea to bring the gift with you in the first place. 

    STARMOON44
  • banana468 said:
    Ro041 said:
    Every wedding I go to has a gifts and cards table.  Usually with a cutesy little sign that says "Cards & Gifts".
    That tells you where to put them if you brought them with you.   Having the table isn't telling you that it's the best idea to bring the gift with you in the first place. 

    I didn't say the table/sign suggested it was the "best idea."  I was responding to Starmoon who said "No one does this at weddings I go to.  You would be extremely out of place."  I responded by suggesting it was very common because it happens at every wedding I go to.  Very common =/= "best idea".  That wasn't the point I was trying to make.  


    charlotte989875MobKaz
  • Ro041 said:
    banana468 said:
    Ro041 said:
    Every wedding I go to has a gifts and cards table.  Usually with a cutesy little sign that says "Cards & Gifts".
    That tells you where to put them if you brought them with you.   Having the table isn't telling you that it's the best idea to bring the gift with you in the first place. 

    I didn't say the table/sign suggested it was the "best idea."  I was responding to Starmoon who said "No one does this at weddings I go to.  You would be extremely out of place."  I responded by suggesting it was very common because it happens at every wedding I go to.  Very common =/= "best idea".  That wasn't the point I was trying to make.  

    I mean I think just like how I never see it doesn't mean it isn't common, you always seeing it doesn't make it very common. We are both just seeing a small subset of the weddings every year! But it is a rule, so if you aren't 100% certain what kind of wedding you are going to, I'd suggest following it. 
  • Regardless of whether everyone has brought a gift before, or seen gifts at weddings, or received gifts at weddings, or tallies every gift table they see, or thinks it's rude or not to bring a gift to a wedding...it seems like everyone has agreed that it is an inconvenience to someone (couple, family, friends, etc.) to bring a gift to a wedding if the gift-giver has any other reasonable options available to them (having it shipped or bringing cash/check).

    Knowing this, I cannot fathom why anyone (with other reasonable options) would ever bring another gift to a wedding in the future. 

    STARMOON44KahluaKoalaahoyweddingMyNameIsNot
  • Ro041 said:
    I guess I always assumed that people shipped gifts because they were lazy, didn't want to take them there, and didn't want to pay to wrap them.  I will probably think about sending gifts before an event in the future, but I won't think anyone who shows up with a gift as rude.

    So that's what I am taking from this thread.
    Etiquette aside, when I have a gift shipped from a store I also know that the recipient has recourse if it's lost or damaged.  We received two place settings of our China that had broken pieces upon delivery.   I was able to claim that immediately with the store.

    If a gift is stolen from your front porch you can file a claim with the postal service or the store.   If the carrier damages it you can seek replacements without needing to contact the seller.


  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    This is so not my experience.

    I've never brought a gift (beyond a card/check) to a wedding because I think it's a PITA for me to lug to the venue. I'd rather have it shipped.

    But we had literally 2 cars full of gifts at our wedding. We have friends who live nearby, so they took home all of our decorations from the venue, and we filled H's sedan and my hatchback with at least a couple dozen wrapped gifts. If we needed to, my family would have been able to take some things home with them, but they live a while away and we wouldn't have seen them for at least 2-3 weeks, so we were happy not to have to.

    That's pretty normal from what I've heard from my circle. Not sure if it's geographical or just based on who you know. 
    We had a lot of cards and also a lot of boxed gifts. The best man dropped them off at the house we were moving into when he went home (we lived in the same town 8 hours away). 

    For one, I'm very confused as to why people are being insistent that they have the right to bring gifts to the wedding. Why is it so hard to just do something else? It's sounding suspiciously like "Well if they don't like that we're feeding them a free meal, they can just fuck right off."

    The things I have quoted and bolded are my main issue with this, honestly. If a couple is inconvenienced by a gift, then well, that's their problem. But the couple are not the main people being inconvenienced here. If fewer people had brought gifts, @JediElizabeth's family friends would not have had to bring home a bunch of random venue decorations and figure out what to do with them and how to store them for a while. It probably wasn't a huge deal for @lovesclimbing's best man to drop off the gifts, but still not really his responsibility. The couple had the gifts delivered to their house, but a friend had to be the delivery service instead of the givers paying for UPS. This is how it works.

    By bringing your gift to the wedding, you are most likely being a pain in the ass to some family member or friend, not the people who are going to get to use your oh-so-wonderful and couldn't-possibly-be-shipped gift. And that's not fair. So don't do it.
    So, I really don't know how to describe this without it sounding like I'm asking people to help, but ... this is just what people do in my circle. 

    I never asked my mom or sister or anyone to clean up after my wedding or take gifts or whatever. They volunteered to do it. They didn't come up to me and say, "oh, I'll do this." It just came up in conversation and they do it. It's something that is expected. My parents and family helped decorate and clean up after my wedding. I did it in return for my siblings and my cousins. It's just something you do. It's not asked or necessarily volunteered; it just happens. 

    He dropped off the gifts at my wedding, a couple of the groomsman did it for his wedding, etc. It all balances out in the end. 

    JediElizabethcharlotte989875ahoyweddingPrettyGirlLost
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    redoryx said:
    MobKaz said:
    I have yet to see any source that considers bringing a gift to a wedding an etiquette RULE and/or faux pas. 

    Rude is NOT the same as annoying.

    Pinterest card boxes were all the rage in the early 2000's.  The biggest questions/issues from brides?  How can I put a lock on them and/or make sure no cards are stolen?  Can I have someone "have the honor" of guarding/taking care of it?  Will my venue lock it up after the reception begins?  These are not questions or concerns limited to boxed gifts.

    Just because a person is "older" does not mean they are stupid or out of touch.  My 90 year old mother in law is an avid online shopper and knows how to ship gifts.
    Okay, well, now I feel like you're just being obtuse because the Miss Manners quote I posted on the first page didn't use the words "rule" or "rude" 
    That is my point.  Although @STARMOON44 insists on referring to this gift giving annoyance as an "old school RULE" more than once, I have yet to see it cited as such.  Your post I had hoped would clarify that for other people.
    charlotte989875
  • JediElizabethJediElizabeth
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    member
    edited September 28
    Ro041 said:
    I guess I always assumed that people shipped gifts because they were lazy, didn't want to take them there, and didn't want to pay to wrap them.  I will probably think about sending gifts before an event in the future, but I won't think anyone who shows up with a gift as rude.

    So that's what I am taking from this thread.
    This is exactly why I don't bring gifts, btw. Though I know better now, a few years ago I actually apologized in the card to one of my friends for not bringing the gift, but it was too bulky and I'd bring it to their home. I thought I'd be side eyed for not bringing one.

    That's just my circle.

    Ditto to @lovesclimbing regarding help bringing things home. Our friends offered, and they were able to drop it off the next morning when we all got home from the hotel. My family also offered to help if needed, but I was happy to decline. I've offered to help others. 
  • Yeah but we obviously criticize brides (rightfully) for doing things that are annoying to their guests. Like a gap for instance - is simply an annoyance so we tell brides and grooms to be considerate. This distinction between "rude" and "annoying" is super arbitrary. I am of the opinion that if you're going to give a gift, you should do it in a way that doesn't cause extra burden for the recipient. Or else, who is the gift really for?
    I'm pretty late to this party, but I don't think it's "annoying" (or rude) to bring a gift to an event where gifts are VERY commonly given - whether it's something the couple asked for (registry gift) or a card with cash in it. If the hosts think that's "annoying" or that my gift is burdensome in some way, then I will gladly take it back and spend the money on myself. 
    Are they very commonly given though? Not everywhere. No one does this at weddings I go to. You'd be extremely out of place. 
    Yes - they are. Really? NO ONE at weddings you go to brings gifts - whether boxed or cards? Where are you from or what culture where nobody ever brings gifts or cards to a wedding? That seems really unusual to me.

    And frankly, IDGAF if some person thinks it's "out of place" (which it's not) to give a gift/card at a wedding. If I'm giving a gift, the couple can either graciously accept it or they can can be like "oh my god, it's so annoying for me to deal with this gift...this thing I registered for/cash is such an inconvenience to me". If it's the latter, well those are the type of ungrateful people I'd rather not support.
    Obviously the only option for them is to graciously accept the gift. No one has suggested they do anything else. 
  • STARMOON44STARMOON44
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    edited September 28
    MobKaz said:
    redoryx said:
    MobKaz said:
    I have yet to see any source that considers bringing a gift to a wedding an etiquette RULE and/or faux pas. 

    Rude is NOT the same as annoying.

    Pinterest card boxes were all the rage in the early 2000's.  The biggest questions/issues from brides?  How can I put a lock on them and/or make sure no cards are stolen?  Can I have someone "have the honor" of guarding/taking care of it?  Will my venue lock it up after the reception begins?  These are not questions or concerns limited to boxed gifts.

    Just because a person is "older" does not mean they are stupid or out of touch.  My 90 year old mother in law is an avid online shopper and knows how to ship gifts.
    Okay, well, now I feel like you're just being obtuse because the Miss Manners quote I posted on the first page didn't use the words "rule" or "rude" 
    That is my point.  Although @STARMOON44 insists on referring to this gift giving annoyance as an "old school RULE" more than once, I have yet to see it cited as such.  Your post I had hoped would clarify that for other people.
    You can't read the post that cited to Miss Manners that has been referenced several times? Or you're still obtusely clinging to the fact she didn't specifically use the word rule to prove Idk what point?  Cause it was pretty clearly a rule, language or not. But whatever. Be rude. Hopefully you'll never be the only one bringing a gift feeling clueless and out of place, but I guess you wouldn't even care so no problem!
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    MobKaz said:
    redoryx said:
    MobKaz said:
    I have yet to see any source that considers bringing a gift to a wedding an etiquette RULE and/or faux pas. 

    Rude is NOT the same as annoying.

    Pinterest card boxes were all the rage in the early 2000's.  The biggest questions/issues from brides?  How can I put a lock on them and/or make sure no cards are stolen?  Can I have someone "have the honor" of guarding/taking care of it?  Will my venue lock it up after the reception begins?  These are not questions or concerns limited to boxed gifts.

    Just because a person is "older" does not mean they are stupid or out of touch.  My 90 year old mother in law is an avid online shopper and knows how to ship gifts.
    Okay, well, now I feel like you're just being obtuse because the Miss Manners quote I posted on the first page didn't use the words "rule" or "rude" 
    That is my point.  Although @STARMOON44 insists on referring to this gift giving annoyance as an "old school RULE" more than once, I have yet to see it cited as such.  Your post I had hoped would clarify that for other people.
    You can't read the post that cited to Miss Manners that has been referenced several times? Or you're still obtusely clinging to the fact she didn't specifically use the word rule to prove Idk what point?  Cause it was pretty clearly a rule, language or not. 
    That it's not a rule.
    charlotte989875Jen4948
  • MobKaz said:
    MobKaz said:
    redoryx said:
    MobKaz said:
    I have yet to see any source that considers bringing a gift to a wedding an etiquette RULE and/or faux pas. 

    Rude is NOT the same as annoying.

    Pinterest card boxes were all the rage in the early 2000's.  The biggest questions/issues from brides?  How can I put a lock on them and/or make sure no cards are stolen?  Can I have someone "have the honor" of guarding/taking care of it?  Will my venue lock it up after the reception begins?  These are not questions or concerns limited to boxed gifts.

    Just because a person is "older" does not mean they are stupid or out of touch.  My 90 year old mother in law is an avid online shopper and knows how to ship gifts.
    Okay, well, now I feel like you're just being obtuse because the Miss Manners quote I posted on the first page didn't use the words "rule" or "rude" 
    That is my point.  Although @STARMOON44 insists on referring to this gift giving annoyance as an "old school RULE" more than once, I have yet to see it cited as such.  Your post I had hoped would clarify that for other people.
    You can't read the post that cited to Miss Manners that has been referenced several times? Or you're still obtusely clinging to the fact she didn't specifically use the word rule to prove Idk what point?  Cause it was pretty clearly a rule, language or not. 
    That it's not a rule.
    So then you agree it's a nuisance? Because while she isn't saying "The rule is don't bring them," by calling that practice a nuisance exactly what do you think she's advising?  
  • MobKaz said:
    MobKaz said:
    redoryx said:
    MobKaz said:
    I have yet to see any source that considers bringing a gift to a wedding an etiquette RULE and/or faux pas. 

    Rude is NOT the same as annoying.

    Pinterest card boxes were all the rage in the early 2000's.  The biggest questions/issues from brides?  How can I put a lock on them and/or make sure no cards are stolen?  Can I have someone "have the honor" of guarding/taking care of it?  Will my venue lock it up after the reception begins?  These are not questions or concerns limited to boxed gifts.

    Just because a person is "older" does not mean they are stupid or out of touch.  My 90 year old mother in law is an avid online shopper and knows how to ship gifts.
    Okay, well, now I feel like you're just being obtuse because the Miss Manners quote I posted on the first page didn't use the words "rule" or "rude" 
    That is my point.  Although @STARMOON44 insists on referring to this gift giving annoyance as an "old school RULE" more than once, I have yet to see it cited as such.  Your post I had hoped would clarify that for other people.
    You can't read the post that cited to Miss Manners that has been referenced several times? Or you're still obtusely clinging to the fact she didn't specifically use the word rule to prove Idk what point?  Cause it was pretty clearly a rule, language or not. 
    That it's not a rule.
    You're wrong. 
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    edited September 28
    You're funny.  This is an opinion based thread. 
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    banana468 said:
    MobKaz said:
    MobKaz said:
    redoryx said:
    MobKaz said:
    I have yet to see any source that considers bringing a gift to a wedding an etiquette RULE and/or faux pas. 

    Rude is NOT the same as annoying.

    Pinterest card boxes were all the rage in the early 2000's.  The biggest questions/issues from brides?  How can I put a lock on them and/or make sure no cards are stolen?  Can I have someone "have the honor" of guarding/taking care of it?  Will my venue lock it up after the reception begins?  These are not questions or concerns limited to boxed gifts.

    Just because a person is "older" does not mean they are stupid or out of touch.  My 90 year old mother in law is an avid online shopper and knows how to ship gifts.
    Okay, well, now I feel like you're just being obtuse because the Miss Manners quote I posted on the first page didn't use the words "rule" or "rude" 
    That is my point.  Although @STARMOON44 insists on referring to this gift giving annoyance as an "old school RULE" more than once, I have yet to see it cited as such.  Your post I had hoped would clarify that for other people.
    You can't read the post that cited to Miss Manners that has been referenced several times? Or you're still obtusely clinging to the fact she didn't specifically use the word rule to prove Idk what point?  Cause it was pretty clearly a rule, language or not. 
    That it's not a rule.
    So then you agree it's a nuisance? Because while she isn't saying "The rule is don't bring them," by calling that practice a nuisance exactly what do you think she's advising?  
    What I have said is:

    Do I recommend bringing a boxed gift?  No.  Have I ever done it?  No.  Is it rude?  No.

    I agree that it is ill advised to bring boxed gifts to a reception, particularly because the bride and groom may not even be returning to their home that night.  I also agree that the gift giver should think about how the couple will transport the gift home.  But the bride and groom need to have a plan as well.

    100%  Nuisance/annoyance is not the same as rude/ill-mannered/impolite.

    Rude is NOT the same as annoying.

    I am saying that I do not find it rude to bring a boxed gift to a reception, and I have yet to be shown that to do so is a breach of an actual etiquette rule.  I also cannot fathom why it appears to get the underwear of some up in a bundle.
    charlotte989875ahoyweddingSP29
  • Here is another thought for an AH wedding.  My H and I attended a wedding where the ceremony was on a bayou and the reception was at the couple's nearby home.  We brought our gift and a gift from another guest (she wasn't taking her car) to the reception.  Because it was at their house anyway.

    They didn't have anywhere to put gifts and, although the majority of the event and guests were outside, there were still a lot of people milling around inside the house.  We squeezed the other guest's gift onto an open kitchen shelf, near liquor bottles.  Not a great choice!  But there really weren't any other spots.  For our gift, we actually took it back to the car and delivered it to their home, after their honeymoon.  But that was only possible because we lived pretty close to them anyway.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    Yeah but we obviously criticize brides (rightfully) for doing things that are annoying to their guests. Like a gap for instance - is simply an annoyance so we tell brides and grooms to be considerate. This distinction between "rude" and "annoying" is super arbitrary. I am of the opinion that if you're going to give a gift, you should do it in a way that doesn't cause extra burden for the recipient. Or else, who is the gift really for?
    I'm pretty late to this party, but I don't think it's "annoying" (or rude) to bring a gift to an event where gifts are VERY commonly given - whether it's something the couple asked for (registry gift) or a card with cash in it. If the hosts think that's "annoying" or that my gift is burdensome in some way, then I will gladly take it back and spend the money on myself. 
    Are they very commonly given though? Not everywhere. No one does this at weddings I go to. You'd be extremely out of place. 
    Yes - they are. Really? NO ONE at weddings you go to brings gifts - whether boxed or cards? Where are you from or what culture where nobody ever brings gifts or cards to a wedding? That seems really unusual to me.

    And frankly, IDGAF if some person thinks it's "out of place" (which it's not) to give a gift/card at a wedding. If I'm giving a gift, the couple can either graciously accept it or they can can be like "oh my god, it's so annoying for me to deal with this gift...this thing I registered for/cash is such an inconvenience to me". If it's the latter, well those are the type of ungrateful people I'd rather not support.

    Okay, but it's generally not annoying for them. It's annoying for someone else. I don't think most couples think of gifts at the wedding as an annoyance, and yet someone gets annoyed... because they end up being voluntold to take care of the gift you just had to drop at the wedding itself. I don't understand why you would willingly create that situation. It's not at all about the couple being ungrateful to you.

    So to MobKaz's point, no, I don't judge people for bringing them. Maybe they didn't have another option that they knew of. This is more to create awareness of the problems it creates for "innocent" people - so people should not do it just because they feel like it, they should do it if they have a good reason, and then maybe there will only be enough gifts that they can fit in the couple's car and no one else has to deal with them.

    Anniversary

  • scribe95 said:
    Screw it. I'm shipping all my gifts now. Birthday. Christmas. Wedding. In fact, I go home for Christmas and then have to cart all those damn gifts back to another state. How rude of my family! 
    Same.

     I'm surprised by the reaction here, and maybe it's a regional thing. People bring gifts to weddings here, they just do. I also don't think it's all that annoying to transport a gift someone purchased for you, that you most likely picked out and put on a registry. I know gifts are never expected, by c'mon, people rarely don't bring something for the B&G. So now even bringing a card is annoying because someone has to take care of that? I just think some of the insistence that this is rude/annoying/should never be done is a little extreme. 
    I can tell you that transporting envelopes was it's own small stack that we received along with a very small handful of gifts.   But our gift table was really mostly empty.   And most weddings I've attended in the local NY/CT area have relatively empty tables.  People just don't.

    So maybe if it's what's done in your area then you already have a plan in place.  But as I said in a previous post, if everyone who gave us a card brought a boxed gift we would have had to start running around to extra guests asking who could take things and ultimately get them back to our house.


    STARMOON44
  • scribe95 said:
    Screw it. I'm shipping all my gifts now. Birthday. Christmas. Wedding. In fact, I go home for Christmas and then have to cart all those damn gifts back to another state. How rude of my family! 
    I never thought about that part of it. I go home for Christmas too, and bring an extra suitcase (little one inside big one on the way there) to bring gifts home. What about having to transport gifts back from showers? On more than one occasion I've put gifts in my car for a friend after her shower because we were going to the same place-ish. I mean, yeah it's annoying in that like "grumble grumble minor annoyance" way, but it doesn't seem like the end of the world? It just always seemed like part of a wedding/shower/Christmas.

    If bringing a gift to someone at their wedding is just SO over the top rude that it ruins their night or they have absolutely no way to bring it home, then that seems like their issue. Getting things shipped to the house was nice, and I will try to do that going forward, but unless every single person who's invited sends something ahead of time, don't you maybe assume some might show up at the wedding? (Disclaimer I am from the Midwest and every wedding I've ever attended had a gift table & card box. Even those in other parts of the country.)
    Lots of things are both rude and not going to ruin the night. I'm in the NYC area and the only time I saw someone show up with a box it was a visiting midwesterner. 
    MyNameIsNot
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