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Snarky Brides

Future SIL

I'm getting married to a wonderful man in October.  I asked his sister to be a bridesmaid even though I'm not very close to her because he is.  However, after initially agreeing, she later caused all sorts of drama over the dress and eventually decided she didn't want to be involved because she just wouldn't be comfortable in front of everyone.   She has some issues, and if she's not comfortable, then I certainly don't want to force her to take part.
Here's the thing.  Whenever my fiance and I are doing something for the wedding that involves his parents, he invites his sister along too.  I'm not sure why this is bugging me so much, except that for someone who isn't comfortable being a bridesmaid, she definitely isn't shy about sharing her opinions.  Also, it'd be nice to spend some time with just his parents.  His sister still lives with them, and she's always there whenever we visit.  I don't know how to bring any of this up with with my FH though, or if I even should.  Any thoughts?
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Re: Future SIL

  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Well, if she lives with your future in-laws, I'm not sure how you plan to avoid her, or expect her to not be there? If you really want to spend time with your just your FH and ILs, why not suggest just the 4 of you go out to eat or something? 

    If you're bothered by her accompanying you to wedding planning things, why not ask your FH if she can stay behind? How old is she anyway? What kind of issues does she have?

  • Get the lines of communication opened up with your FI that you'd like some time with just his parents without his sister there for some details.  Your FI values her opinion whether you're liking it or not.  That's the thing that you need to learn to balance because this will be the elephant in the room later on in marriage, so setting a healthy boundary is not a bad idea as this will "nip in the bud" problems that you can potentially have later on.  
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    short+sassy
  • I need more information, but like PPs said if she lives there you really can't expect her not to be around. But also, you say your FI is close with his sister and that he is the one inviting her, so really your issue is with him, not her. 

    One other thing though is that it sounds like her issues were with the BM dress (I might be reading this into the post) and she decided to step down, this doesn't really have anything to do with not wanting to be a part of the wedding, and if your FI is asking her to have an opinion, why shouldn't she give it? 

    It sounds like you're unhappy about whatever happened with the dress/being in the wedding and that's clouding the visits. I think you need to let this go. She's not in the wedding, your FI is close to his sister & clearly wants her thoughts/opinions, and really unless she is being rude to you, I guess I don't see what the problem is. You don't have to be best friends with this woman, but it does seem a little hurtful to expect her not to be around when you are visiting the place she lives. 
    short+sassyShesSoColdahoywedding
  • I'm going to take your words at face value.  I'll also give you the benefit of the doubt that she wasn't having a dress that was too expensive and/or she wasn't comfortable wearing, forced on her.

    So she stepped out of the WP because she isn't comfortable being in front of people.  Totally fine.  But, to be fair, that reasoning has nothing to do with her desire to be involved with the wedding planning and/or voicing her opinions about her brother's wedding.

    I'm not saying you have to be okay with her overstepping in the wedding planning, but more pointing out it is faulty logic to equate her not wanting to be in the WP with her not wanting to be involved.

    Back to the issue.  Some of your points about her actions might be fair and some of them might not be.  But that is actually a discussion to have with your FI.  If he agrees she needs to notch her opinions down on the wedding planning, then HE is the one who needs to tell her that.  Blood talks to blood.

    Sure, it would be nice to occasionally have one on one time with your FI's parents, but I personally wouldn't even make an issue about this.  She is part of the package, especially since she lives with them.  As time moves on and she eventually moves out, I'm sure there will naturally be occasions where she doesn't always come and/or has other plans herself.

    I think what is bugging you is that you don't especially like this woman but, since she and her brother are so close, you're forced to spend more time with her.  I get it!  But, alas, sometimes that's the deal.  The best strategy is to accept it and enjoy what you can from the relationship.  Be pleasant and cordial.  Maybe, over time, you all will warm up with each other.  But, if not, that's okay too.  One caveat is, if she insults/disrespects you, that is NOT okay and your FI should stand up for you.  It's a big FI problem, if he doesn't.  All things equal, you are his first priority.  Even over family.

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    charlotte989875Jen4948MairePoppyahoywedding
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    2500 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    How does anxiety surrounding standing in front of large groups negate her excitement and willingness to be involved in her brother’s wedding, getting to know you, and participate in family bonding? Was it a use it or lose it opportunity?
    MyNameIsNotMairePoppy
  • His sister is 35 years old and she's never lived away from her parents.  Not even for college.  She has a college degree, but she recently quit her part time job shelving books at a library because it was too stressful.  I asked FH about this to make sure I was understanding it correctly - another employee left, they hadn't hired another person yet, and there were too many books for her to keep up with, so she quit.  That was six months ago.  She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder several years ago, but she is on medication and has it under control.  It's just that everyone else goes out of their way to make sure that she has whatever she wants in order to keep her happy.  And now that extends to our wedding plans.

    With the BM dresses, I'm only having 3 BM, and they all have different body types.  So I gave them some ideas for what styles I was going for and asked them to pick something along those lines that they felt comfortable in.  There was a lot of leeway and the prices were reasonable, but she wanted something TOTALLY different. She didn't want to even try on anything that I suggested, she wasn't interested in anything that I offered as a compromise, and that's when she decided she didn't want to be in the WP.  The whole time my FH was worried because "she's so sensitive" and he knows "how easily her feelings are hurt" and I was losing sleep and not eating because I was going back to the drawing board on the bridesmaid dresses trying to find a solution that would work for everyone.

    I don't think that I am the only person who knows how to plan a wedding or that I am the only person who has good ideas.  I love hearing suggestions from other people.  Sometimes they're great, sometimes they're not.  And I know the wedding isn't all about me - there are a lot of people whose feelings need to be taken into account.  It just seems like his sister's feelings need to be taken into account all. the. time.





  • His sister is 35 years old and she's never lived away from her parents.  Not even for college.  She has a college degree, but she recently quit her part time job shelving books at a library because it was too stressful.  I asked FH about this to make sure I was understanding it correctly - another employee left, they hadn't hired another person yet, and there were too many books for her to keep up with, so she quit.  That was six months ago.  She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder several years ago, but she is on medication and has it under control.  It's just that everyone else goes out of their way to make sure that she has whatever she wants in order to keep her happy.  And now that extends to our wedding plans.

    With the BM dresses, I'm only having 3 BM, and they all have different body types.  So I gave them some ideas for what styles I was going for and asked them to pick something along those lines that they felt comfortable in.  There was a lot of leeway and the prices were reasonable, but she wanted something TOTALLY different. She didn't want to even try on anything that I suggested, she wasn't interested in anything that I offered as a compromise, and that's when she decided she didn't want to be in the WP.  The whole time my FH was worried because "she's so sensitive" and he knows "how easily her feelings are hurt" and I was losing sleep and not eating because I was going back to the drawing board on the bridesmaid dresses trying to find a solution that would work for everyone.

    I don't think that I am the only person who knows how to plan a wedding or that I am the only person who has good ideas.  I love hearing suggestions from other people.  Sometimes they're great, sometimes they're not.  And I know the wedding isn't all about me - there are a lot of people whose feelings need to be taken into account.  It just seems like his sister's feelings need to be taken into account all. the. time.





    Well if she is 35 and she has been treated with kid gloves since she was born then don't expect it to change any time soon.  The most you can do is speak with your FI about her over involvement in the wedding planning process.  For some things (actually a lot of things) only the paying parties really need to be involved and any additional opinions can make things more confusing/irritating.
    short+sassySTARMOON44ahoywedding
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    His sister is 35 years old and she's never lived away from her parents.  Not even for college.  She has a college degree, but she recently quit her part time job shelving books at a library because it was too stressful.  I asked FH about this to make sure I was understanding it correctly - another employee left, they hadn't hired another person yet, and there were too many books for her to keep up with, so she quit.  That was six months ago.  She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder several years ago, but she is on medication and has it under control.  It's just that everyone else goes out of their way to make sure that she has whatever she wants in order to keep her happy.  And now that extends to our wedding plans.

    With the BM dresses, I'm only having 3 BM, and they all have different body types.  So I gave them some ideas for what styles I was going for and asked them to pick something along those lines that they felt comfortable in.  There was a lot of leeway and the prices were reasonable, but she wanted something TOTALLY different. She didn't want to even try on anything that I suggested, she wasn't interested in anything that I offered as a compromise, and that's when she decided she didn't want to be in the WP.  The whole time my FH was worried because "she's so sensitive" and he knows "how easily her feelings are hurt" and I was losing sleep and not eating because I was going back to the drawing board on the bridesmaid dresses trying to find a solution that would work for everyone.

    I don't think that I am the only person who knows how to plan a wedding or that I am the only person who has good ideas.  I love hearing suggestions from other people.  Sometimes they're great, sometimes they're not.  And I know the wedding isn't all about me - there are a lot of people whose feelings need to be taken into account.  It just seems like his sister's feelings need to be taken into account all. the. time.





    What, exactly does any oft his have to do with your wedding?

    You're being judgy and catty towards her just for the sake of it.

    I really think you need to let this go. I can't see how telling your fiancé that you think his sister is intrusive and high-maintenance would be a good thing here.

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    LondonLisaMyNameIsNotSTARMOON44ahoywedding
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    His sister is 35 years old and she's never lived away from her parents.  Not even for college.  She has a college degree, but she recently quit her part time job shelving books at a library because it was too stressful.  I asked FH about this to make sure I was understanding it correctly - another employee left, they hadn't hired another person yet, and there were too many books for her to keep up with, so she quit.  That was six months ago.  She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder several years ago, but she is on medication and has it under control.  It's just that everyone else goes out of their way to make sure that she has whatever she wants in order to keep her happy.  And now that extends to our wedding plans.

    With the BM dresses, I'm only having 3 BM, and they all have different body types.  So I gave them some ideas for what styles I was going for and asked them to pick something along those lines that they felt comfortable in.  There was a lot of leeway and the prices were reasonable, but she wanted something TOTALLY different. She didn't want to even try on anything that I suggested, she wasn't interested in anything that I offered as a compromise, and that's when she decided she didn't want to be in the WP.  The whole time my FH was worried because "she's so sensitive" and he knows "how easily her feelings are hurt" and I was losing sleep and not eating because I was going back to the drawing board on the bridesmaid dresses trying to find a solution that would work for everyone.

    I don't think that I am the only person who knows how to plan a wedding or that I am the only person who has good ideas.  I love hearing suggestions from other people.  Sometimes they're great, sometimes they're not.  And I know the wedding isn't all about me - there are a lot of people whose feelings need to be taken into account.  It just seems like his sister's feelings need to be taken into account all. the. time.





    What you're shared about your SIL's life really has no affect on yours. You seem to feel a certain way about the fact that she's never moved out and doesn't work. Guess what? That's not your business. You're not the one supporting her. Stop judging her. 

    If this is the way the family treats her, why would you think after 35 years that would change? If they go out of the way to accommodate her, they will continue to do that. My advice is to accept it for what it is. 

    She decided she didn't want to be in your WP. Move on from the dress drama. 

    STARMOON44ahoywedding
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    2500 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    She isn’t in the wedding anymore. The dress is a moot point. Everything else is none of your bloody business. 

    Why does it bother you so much about her mental health, employment, living arrangements or education? She isn’t asking you for money, advice, references or a place to live. 

    Planning a wedding is stressful. Why are you waistinh headspace on this. She is your brother’s sister. Just smile and let her be. 
    ahoywedding
  • A PP asked what I meant when I said she had issues.  I didn't know her when she was diagnosed, so as a relative newcomer, I'm trying to understand the situation.  The way everyone acts, it's like she's on the brink of a breakdown.  But I don't see that from the way she acts.  So I'm confused.  

    We had a cake tasting recently.  I can't stand chocolate cake.  I was sick after eating chocolate cake as a kid, and it's been a mental thing ever since.  His parents have offered to pay for the cake.  We've been planning on just having a small, single layer cake for the two of us and our immediate families.  Probably yellow or white, which we both like.  But guess who likes chocolate?  And now there's actually talk about getting a marble wedding cake.  Because it's not too chocolatey, right?    And, honestly, I know just about everyone else in the world likes chocolate cake, but is it really too much to ask that I not have to eat chocolate cake at my wedding?  


  • edited May 2018
    I'm an ER nurse.  I'm familiar enough with the signs.  

    I've been with my fiance for four years.  He knows about the cake.  We're going to have a dessert table for the rest of the guests.  One might think chocolate cupcakes or brownies might be a nice compromise for someone who wants chocolate cake, right?  Not for someone who's on a diet and is only going to have one dessert, and that dessert is going to be from the wedding cake her parents are providing.  And I appreciate that they want to pay for the cake, which is just the one tier.  I just thought that the bride would have a little bit more say than the sister of the groom.  

    And I know the dress is a moot point now, but it really left a sour taste in my mouth.  Obviously more than I realized.  
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    A PP asked what I meant when I said she had issues.  I didn't know her when she was diagnosed, so as a relative newcomer, I'm trying to understand the situation.  The way everyone acts, it's like she's on the brink of a breakdown.  But I don't see that from the way she acts.  So I'm confused.  

    We had a cake tasting recently.  I can't stand chocolate cake.  I was sick after eating chocolate cake as a kid, and it's been a mental thing ever since.  His parents have offered to pay for the cake.  We've been planning on just having a small, single layer cake for the two of us and our immediate families.  Probably yellow or white, which we both like.  But guess who likes chocolate?  And now there's actually talk about getting a marble wedding cake.  Because it's not too chocolatey, right?    And, honestly, I know just about everyone else in the world likes chocolate cake, but is it really too much to ask that I not have to eat chocolate cake at my wedding?  


    What did they say when you told them you didn't like chocolate cake? Your solution here is to decline their offer, and pay for the cake yourself. Then, choose whatever flavor you want. 

    InLoveInQueensahoywedding
  • I never diagnosed her with/as anything. I simply said that from what I can see, she doesn’t seem to be on the brink of a mental breakdown. She’s also told my fiancé that she has her bipolar diagnosis under control. 

    Are you suggesting that I pay for my own, separate cake?  Because that’s the only way his sister isn’t going to be involved in the process.
     
    And I’ve thrown plenty of parties in my life.  Yes, a wedding reception is a party, but as it’s the only one I ever plan on having, I’d like to find a way to thank his sister politely for her suggestions, but not feel obligated to incorporate all of them. 
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    2500 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I never diagnosed her with/as anything. I simply said that from what I can see, she doesn’t seem to be on the brink of a mental breakdown. She’s also told my fiancé that she has her bipolar diagnosis under control. 

    Are you suggesting that I pay for my own, separate cake?  Because that’s the only way his sister isn’t going to be involved in the process.
     
    And I’ve thrown plenty of parties in my life.  Yes, a wedding reception is a party, but as it’s the only one I ever plan on having, I’d like to find a way to thank his sister politely for her suggestions, but not feel obligated to incorporate all of them. 
    I’m suggesting you and your fi decline the offer of his parents paying for the cake, and pay for your own wedding cake. That way you two can control it.You said that you were having a dessert table. Why not just cut a cupcake of you choice instead of dealing with a cake. 

    Money comes with strings, and theirs seems to be his sister’s opinion. You can either ignore it, or decline their money and control it all yourself.


    InLoveInQueensMairePoppySTARMOON44ahoywedding
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I never diagnosed her with/as anything. I simply said that from what I can see, she doesn’t seem to be on the brink of a mental breakdown. She’s also told my fiancé that she has her bipolar diagnosis under control. 

    Are you suggesting that I pay for my own, separate cake?  Because that’s the only way his sister isn’t going to be involved in the process.
     
    And I’ve thrown plenty of parties in my life.  Yes, a wedding reception is a party, but as it’s the only one I ever plan on having, I’d like to find a way to thank his sister politely for her suggestions, but not feel obligated to incorporate all of them. 
    I'm suggesting you purchase your wedding cake, instead of having your in-laws pay for it. How would she still be involved in the process then? 

    InLoveInQueensMairePoppySTARMOON44ahoywedding
  • Regarding the cake...it is rude to only have cake for a select few guests and not for everyone who is attending your wedding.  So if you are going to have cake, you need to have enough cake for everyone.  So I would probably suggest having a cupcake display or a dessert display with a small (I am talking like a 4" or 6" cake) for you and your FI to cut and then you can save the rest for the obligatory first year anniversary pull the cake out of the freezer thing.

    From the outsider it can seem silly to get upset about a cake, but sorry, everyone on here has either had a wedding or is going to have a wedding and they may say that it is stupid to get upset over a cake flavor, but it is your freaking wedding cake and you should be able to pick a flavor that won't make you puke!  If the cake flavor is being picked because snowflake FSIL wants chocolate then there is something wrong.

    I can also see getting upset if her getting her way means that your feelings and opinions aren't taken into account.

    I get that your distaste for this person all started with the whole dress debacle and really your first mistake was asking her to be in your wedding at all.  If she and her brother are that close he could have asked her to stand up on his side.  But at this point you need to accept what happened, have a talk with your FI about how his sisters over involvement and your feelings being disregarded are hurting you, and then you need to move forward.  You are now aware of how they treat her so you need to just accept that she is the way she is and to stop letting it get to you.  As long as you and your FI are on the same page then that is all that matters.
    InLoveInQueensshort+sassythisismynickname2ahoywedding
  • I've been to plenty of weddings where the bride and groom only had wedding cake for a small group of people.  And some of these weddings had very large budgets, so it's not that they were trying to pinch pennies.  Obviously desserts will be provided for all of the guests, so I don't see how it's being impolite.  Of course there are some people who are constantly looking for ways to be insulted, but I see that as more their problem than mine.   
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I've been to plenty of weddings where the bride and groom only had wedding cake for a small group of people.  And some of these weddings had very large budgets, so it's not that they were trying to pinch pennies.  Obviously desserts will be provided for all of the guests, so I don't see how it's being impolite.  Of course there are some people who are constantly looking for ways to be insulted, but I see that as more their problem than mine.   
    It's rude to serve one group of people a different dessert or food. It doesn't matter if you've seen it at weddings before. 

    I was once in a wedding where the B&G and BP had their own dedicated server. When another guest tried to order a drink from that server during the cocktail hour, she was told, "Sorry, I only serve the bridal party". Now imagine that with food. It's pretty rude, right? 

    InLoveInQueensmissfrodoshort+sassyahoywedding
  • I think I'd pick another hill to die on.  If someone wants to be bitter because they weren't served a drink, or given a certain slice of cake, I can't imagine they have very happy lives in the first place.
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think I'd pick another hill to die on.  If someone wants to be bitter because they weren't served a drink, or given a certain slice of cake, I can't imagine they have very happy lives in the first place.
    You're hosting a party, and you don't want to be a good host? It's not about someone being bitter. It's about treating all your guests properly. If you want to be a rude host, have at it. It's certainly no skin off my back. 

    charlotte989875InLoveInQueenssparklepants41MyNameIsNot
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