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Bridemaids

I had asked my sister to be a bridesmaid which she of course acceptable. She had recently gotten a tattoo and I just asked that she not get anymore that were visible because our wedding is extremely formal. I told her I was totally fine with her getting tattoos that were not visible. She promised she wouldn't. She went and got a tattoo on her forearm. I also asked all my girls to wear silver shoes either heels or flats she wants to wear sneakers which I said no to, but she is complaining because she does not want to be taller than her date. Her date also has a seven year old son. We are not allowing any children aside from the ring bearer and flower girls. My sister says already made the comment that no one can watch the son. I do not know what to do. 
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Re: Bridemaids

  • They are not putting terms on their relationship and he is still married to another woman who is not the mother of the child. 
  • I had asked my sister to be a bridesmaid which she of course acceptable. She had recently gotten a tattoo and I just asked that she not get anymore that were visible because our wedding is extremely formal. I told her I was totally fine with her getting tattoos that were not visible. She promised she wouldn't. She went and got a tattoo on her forearm. I also asked all my girls to wear silver shoes either heels or flats she wants to wear sneakers which I said no to, but she is complaining because she does not want to be taller than her date. Her date also has a seven year old son. We are not allowing any children aside from the ring bearer and flower girls. My sister says already made the comment that no one can watch the son. I do not know what to do. 
    Do not tell adult women (or men for that matter..) what to do with their bodies. That is so, so crossing a line. If she wants a tattoo, she should get a tattoo and you should say nothing about it to her or anyone else. 

    As for the shoes; you can ask her not to wear sneakers, maybe help her find some flats that would look good with the dress. Are your dresses long or short? If they’re long no one is really going to see the shoes anyway. Is there a compromise between what you’re envisioning and what she wants? 

    You're free to invite/not invite whoever you like, and that does include children. If you want and adult-only wedding you’re free to do that. It sounds like it would be easier if you let her bring the son, so it depends on whether this is truly a battle you want to fight with your sister. No one can really answer that for you but you’ve got to decide if you’d rather have a adult-only wedding and have your sister potentially leave early, or make an exception for her. Up to you and your FI. 
    eileenrob
  • They are not putting terms on their relationship and he is still married to another woman who is not the mother of the child. 
    I don’t know that this (particularly the bolded) is relevant  (plus it sounds a little judgy). 



    ShesSoColdeileenrobMyNameIsNot
  • She already knew I didn't want her to get the tattoo because we had sat down and discussed it before buying the bridesmaids dresses and she was totally cool with it. I understand it is her body and all that, but as my sister she should respect my wishes. The tattoo is trashy looking and our wedding is black tie. 

    The dresses are long. I told her if she doesn't want to wear heels that is completely fine, but sneakers are not. Even though the dress is long, you would still be able to see the sneakers.

    Lastly, if I make an exception for one person then others will expect the same treatment. We are not allowing children of our family members yet alone a child of a guy she won't even commit to. They do not consider themselves a couple so why should I make an exception for his child?
  • I was not trying to be judgy. Another person asked if he was her SO so I was trying to explain their relationship. Both of them have said they are not putting terms on their relationship. She has only met the guy three times. He lives about 2 hours away. 
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    She already knew I didn't want her to get the tattoo because we had sat down and discussed it before buying the bridesmaids dresses and she was totally cool with it. I understand it is her body and all that, but as my sister she should respect my wishes. The tattoo is trashy looking and our wedding is black tie. 

    The dresses are long. I told her if she doesn't want to wear heels that is completely fine, but sneakers are not. Even though the dress is long, you would still be able to see the sneakers.

    Lastly, if I make an exception for one person then others will expect the same treatment. We are not allowing children of our family members yet alone a child of a guy she won't even commit to. They do not consider themselves a couple so why should I make an exception for his child?
    Shoes.  You are within your rights to request it.
    Children.  100% within your rights to exclude them.  It sounds as if you know what you want to do.  Bite the bullet and tell your sister that her dates son is not invited.  Just be aware that it may prevent sister's date from attending.  It may also prevent sister from attending.  You and your FI need to decide if those consequences are worth the decision.  I absolutely understand why you would make the choice.  No judgment there.  Just be aware that there may be consequences you have not considered.  Once you make the decision, own it.  Don't allow further discussion of it.  Sister will also have to make choices and own them.
    Tattoo.  It will have absolutely NO bearing on the validity of your marriage or impact your ceremony.  If you personally dislike it, then order no prints of pictures where it shows. 
    Trashy is in the eye of the beholder.  Some may find a black tie affair garish.  To each, their own.
    eileenrobInLoveInQueens
  • edited December 2018
    She already knew I didn't want her to get the tattoo because we had sat down and discussed it before buying the bridesmaids dresses and she was totally cool with it. I understand it is her body and all that, but as my sister she should respect my wishes. The tattoo is trashy looking and our wedding is black tie. 

    The dresses are long. I told her if she doesn't want to wear heels that is completely fine, but sneakers are not. Even though the dress is long, you would still be able to see the sneakers.

    Lastly, if I make an exception for one person then others will expect the same treatment. We are not allowing children of our family members yet alone a child of a guy she won't even commit to. They do not consider themselves a couple so why should I make an exception for his child?
    I’m sorry but I can’t get passed this; this is a terrible attitude to have toward, let alone someone in your family. You clearly care more about appearances than you do about your sister. It was so out of line for you to even ask her not to get a tattoo. You say you want her to respect your wishes, but you don’t respect her. 

    Its fine to say no sneakers; tell her once and let it go. 

    Again, you don’t have to make an exception for this child (or any child), just address your invites to your sister and her date. If she brings it up again tell her the invite is just for her and her date. If that means he can’t attend, or she leaves early, then that’s something you all will have to deal with. 

    But I’d encourage you to look at how you talk about her and her choices. It’s so judgmental! You are quite literally calling something she values trashy. You talk about respect but again show her very little. Take a look at your priorities here and think about whether your black tie wedding is worth damaging your relationship with your sister, possibly irreparably. 
    eileenrobInLoveInQueensMyNameIsNotthisismynickname2
  • My feelings are if the shoes were reversed I never would have gone against her wishes especially if I promised not to.
  • My feelings are if the shoes were reversed I never would have gone against her wishes especially if I promised not to.
    It’s her own body! You never, ever, should have even asked her to make a promise to do (or rather not do) something with her own body. How do you not see how wrong that is??
    InLoveInQueensPrettyGirlLost
  • I don't think it is unreasonable just to ask her to hold of on getting a tattoo that is visible for a couple months. 
  • But it is, though.  You have no control (nor should you) over what anyone does with his/her body whether they are in your wedding or not.  It literally affects you in no way whatsoever.  I personally don't dig tattoos- but that's my opinion.  I won't get one, and other people can get whatever they want because it's important to them. 

    charlotte989875eileenrobInLoveInQueensshort+sassy
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    2500 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I don't think it is unreasonable just to ask her to hold of on getting a tattoo that is visible for a couple months. 
    Yes, yes it is. It is very unreasonable. 

    Would hold a dinner to honour a person, then ask them to lose weight beforehand? Or would you tell someone you can't get pregnant so you don't look chubby in photos. 

    An adult does not get to dictate to another adult what they can and cannot do with their bodies. Her tattoo has no bearing on you.  People with tattoos go to formal events all the time. 

    You either want to a.) Honour your sister by making her a bridesmaid and showing her how much you love her or b.) use her as a prop in photos 

    You may think tattoos are ugly, but trust me: being judgemental and using people as props is a much, much uglier look. 
    charlotte989875InLoveInQueensSTARMOON44thisismynickname2
  • My feelings are if the shoes were reversed I never would have gone against her wishes especially if I promised not to.
    You can’t expect people to do things just because that is how you would act/react. By this train of thought, she probably thinks you wouldn’t actually mind because she wouldn’t if the roles were reversed. Different people prioritize different things. 
    InLoveInQueens
  • She knew exactly how I would react. She went and got the tattoo right after her and I got into a fight because my family and I do not like the guy she is seeing. My mom begged her not to get the tattoo on her arm and told her I wouldn't like the tattoo. My sister said she wouldn't get it on her arm, but did anyways. It will impact how my photos look. I don't want tattoos in my wedding photos. 
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    I don't think it is unreasonable just to ask her to hold of on getting a tattoo that is visible for a couple months. 
    Alright, let's reverse this. Your sister is getting married. She asks you to wear your hair in a blonde bob for the day. No wigs, those are trashy. You can hold off on the hairstyle you prefer for a couple months, right? 

    This is HER FUCKING BODY. LEAVE IT THE FUCK ALONE. 

    I cannot put into words how angry it makes me when people try to tell other people what to do with their bodies. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    charlotte989875levioosaeileenrobInLoveInQueens
  • edited December 2018
    Okay I understand everyone's opinion on the tattoo issue. Can we discuss the other two problems about her waiting wear sneakers and bring a child when it is an adult only event? Also, if it is an adults only event what should we do because one of our friends is currently pregnant, but by the time of our wedding the baby will be 4-5 months old. Her husband is one of the groomsmen and she wants to bring the baby. We are worried about the baby crying during the ceremony. Should we make an exception and allow her to bring the baby? If we allow her child, will other people be upset that we aren't allowing their children?
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    Okay I understand everyone's opinion on the tattoo issue. Can we discuss the other two problems about her waiting wear sneakers and bring a child when it is an adult only event?
    Nope. Because you don't seem to get it. 

    I hope your sister has more respect for herself than to be your cardboard cutout of a bridesmaid for a day and declines to be in your wedding. 

    That will also solve your shoe issue. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    InLoveInQueensMyNameIsNot
  • I get what everyone is saying and I have not said anything to my sister about the tattoo. But I would like an opinion on my other questions. 
  • I get what everyone is saying and I have not said anything to my sister about the tattoo. But I would like an opinion on my other questions. 
    You’ve received advice on the other two issues a few times already.  You’re completely within your rights to stand firm on no kids and BMs can’t wear sneakers.  Just be prepared for your sister/guests to have their reactions.  If you think your sister is not going to be a BM bc she isn’t allowed to wear sneakers, just weigh what’s more important to you- sister as BM in sneakers or not a BM at all. And not inviting kids is also allowed but does effect guest RSVPs sometimes.  You’re welcome to do it but be prepared for not everyone to be able to come.  


    charlotte989875InLoveInQueens
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    OP, what kind of shoes were the bridesmaids wearing at the last wedding you attended?
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    InLoveInQueens
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    She knew exactly how I would react. She went and got the tattoo right after her and I got into a fight because my family and I do not like the guy she is seeing. My mom begged her not to get the tattoo on her arm and told her I wouldn't like the tattoo. My sister said she wouldn't get it on her arm, but did anyways. It will impact how my photos look. I don't want tattoos in my wedding photos. 
    Oh man, I didn't see this one. I feel like a quote might be necessary here. 

    I think you should kick your sister out of your wedding. You'd be doing her a favor if your precious photos are more important than she is. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    InLoveInQueensMyNameIsNot
  • She knew exactly how I would react. She went and got the tattoo right after her and I got into a fight because my family and I do not like the guy she is seeing. My mom begged her not to get the tattoo on her arm and told her I wouldn't like the tattoo. My sister said she wouldn't get it on her arm, but did anyways. It will impact how my photos look. I don't want tattoos in my wedding photos. 
    So have her stand on the other side. She has two arms.
    charlotte989875InLoveInQueensthisismynickname2
  • Okay I understand everyone's opinion on the tattoo issue. Can we discuss the other two problems about her waiting wear sneakers and bring a child when it is an adult only event? Also, if it is an adults only event what should we do because one of our friends is currently pregnant, but by the time of our wedding the baby will be 4-5 months old. Her husband is one of the groomsmen and she wants to bring the baby. We are worried about the baby crying during the ceremony. Should we make an exception and allow her to bring the baby? If we allow her child, will other people be upset that we aren't allowing their children?
    Again, it’s up to you and your FI as to how strict you went to be about “no kids”. This is one of your Hs (presumably) closest friends and his newborn child. I think this would be a case to invite them to bring the baby. At that age babies sleep a lot, often they are breastfeeding (in some cases exclusively) and may not be ready to be left alone with a babysitter. 

    I don’t really get the concern about babies crying during the ceremony; I’ve never been to a wedding (and I’ve been to dozens of weddings) where if a child was crying/making noise that the parents didn’t immediately try and do something to remedy the situation. I think this is the case of looking for a reason not to include them. But again, this is your choice you just have to decide if you want to be firm, knowing that it might mean they can’t stay as long/the entire time, or that your GM has to come without his wife/partner. I know I would just invite the newborn and let them decide if they want to do that. 
  • My fiance is the one that decided he didn't want to invite children. I had wanted to include children especially because I know some people probably will not come if we don't allow their children. Since it is his friend, he should be the one that tells them they can't bring their baby. 
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Wow....just....wow. You do not get to police what other people do with their bodies. Thinking you have a right in any way, shape, or form to people’s bodies is absurd. This is a fucking party. At the end of the day, that’s what you’re upset about. And you’re focusing on that more than you are actual relationships. I’m surprised your sister didn’t go and get a whole sleeve in spite. I can’t believe you even told her she couldn’t get her tattoo. You are completely and totally wrong here. And for god’s sake, let her pick out a pair of silver flats to wear. If they’re sneakers, who cares? If you want to maintain a relationship with her, apologize for trying to control her body, and let her wear flats. The kid thing also depends on whether or not she will truly be able to make the event. If you value having her there over a kid free event, invite the kid. Infants also are not nearly as disruptive as people seem to think they are. And I say that as someone who doesn’t particularly care for children or even want them. Newborns sleep most of the time. They may also be breastfeeding which makes it very hard to leave for extended periods of time. If the only kids you’re unsure about are the newborn and the 7 year old, I would just invite them. 


    image
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    OP, you are setting yourself up for a miserable wedding planning experience. I'm basing this conclusion on all of the posts you have created here. 

    Why not just hire actors to play parts of your bridesmaids? Then you can make sure everyone will look as according to your vision. Clearly you don't care about your sister actually standing up next to you, as her tattoo is so offensive, you don't want it in any pictures. 

    You're well within your right to not invite children. I feel like we've already been over this with you? 

    You're also within your right to request your sister not wear sneakers with her dress. But again, why even keep her in the wedding as this point? 

  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2018
    OP, it seems very clear from your post that either you hate your sister or you enjoy putting her down to make yourself feel better. You seem to be getting your kicks out of judging her relationship, and both the shoes and the tattoo are another way you enjoy putting her down for her choices.

    My recommendation is that you take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself why it is that you are acting this way. Are you really so insecure that judging your sister is the only way to make yourself feel good? Or are you jealous of her ability to go against the grain? Or is something else going on? There's not enough to tell what it is, but something is very off here.

    And then, kick your sister out of your WP. Yes, it will be hurtful to her and likely sever her relationship with you, but in the long run, that's probably best for her. She doesn't deserve to have someone so toxic in her life. 
    InLoveInQueens
  • edited December 2018
    My sister has been very hurtful towards my entire family in the past month. She told us she wanted nothing to do with us because we did not want her "boyfriend" and his son attending Thanksgiving because he had never met the "boyfriend" or son before so she said f us and stayed home. She also told me to stay out of her f-ing life because I told her I did not agree with her choosing to spend Thanksgiving with this guy over spending it with her family especially because she had only just met the guy about 2 weeks before Thanksgiving. Then she turned around and decided she didn't want to be a part of my wedding before she even got the tattoo because I'm a "horrible" sister because I wanted her to spend Thanksgiving with us instead of this guy. 
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