More money drama

Acrosthec

I think I missed something.NQB, I understand what you're saying, but I'm going to have to agree with Mag on this one.  I couldn't be with someone who lied to me about their finances and kept me in the dark, especially if we lived together and shared household expenses.  Telling him she'd be happy with a cheaper ring still insinuates that she wants a ring, which is all well and good, but the two of them need to work out all their financial issues and get *everything* on the table before talk of a ring even enters the picture, cheap or not.

Acrosthec

Just to point it out, there was this in her post:I talked to him about money a bit more this weekend, and he let it slip that his credit is pretty terrible.To me this screams that he was trying to hide it from her, or at the very least wasn't upfront about it.  Maybe not the same as lying about it, so scratch that particular phrase from my previous post, but he was definitely omitting, which I view as a close brother to lying.  Either way, I still think the advice on forgetting about a ring of any kind until the money issues are worked out is relevant and sound advice.

cocitygirl

Whoa, ladies!  Ok, he did not lie to me.  I never asked.  He's mentioned his CC debt before, and his student loans (very expensive private college).  I was just silly and didn't give it a lot of thought, because I figured he makes good money and was taking care of his shiz on his own.  He owns a house, a car, etc.  He's not buying reception food with food stamps (see Budget Brides).But, he DID NOT LIE to me.  We just never had a reason to talk openly about our debt.  Also, I think he had less debt when we met than he does now, because he got laid off shortly after we moved in together.  Although he quickly found other work, he didn't have a cushion when he got laid off, so some payments fell behind which hurt his credit.  It happens.  He has made sure to put aside enough savings now to pay 3 months mortgage and other critical expenses if he were laid off again.I think it's been built up in these threads to be a lot worse than the reality.  And, I'm not worried about our future because we are able to have discussions about these things.  I came here to vent, but I was still talking to him about it.  Last night we decided we'd go look at rings again this weekend and find something less expensive (we're going to look at really simple solitaires and moissanite).  We are openly discussing everything financial now.  Yeah, we should have done it earlier, probably before I moved in, but now is still better than before we get married (which is still a ways off, btw).

magsugar13

"and he let it slip that his credit is pretty terrible"I guess letting something slip is different than hiding it?not disclosing and hiding are the same even to webster.That is STILL not my argument...my point is that EVEN AFTER she found out how bad he is with money, how much debt she is in she is still PUSHING for a ring! I can not believe that you think that is ok. As a lawyer you should realize that something is off, very off.

notquiteblushing

OK fine mag, attack me because I'm trying to help someone whereas you are just looking for fodder to run back to the nest with.  She never said she is pushing for a ring.  He is planning on getting one soon and has told her that.

MartiniChick01

Let him buy you the expensive ring...that way you can sell it to pay for a divorce in a few years. You know, when you find out he's racked up more CC debt behind your back and didn't tell you about it.

magsugar13

OK fine mag, attack me because I'm trying to help someone whereas you are just looking for fodder to run back to the nest with. She never said she is pushing for a ring. He is planning on getting one soon and has told her that. Attack you? lmao. I thought you said you were a lawyer? Again, because I disagree with your view point I am attacking? Because my points are more direct and blunt and i dont blow rainbows up her a$$ I'm not trying to help? You help  your way and U'll help mine but don't tell me my way is wrong because it is different than yours!She never said she was pushing for a ring? After she found out about his money problem her response was so just BUY me a cheaper ring? sending him pictures? that isnt ignoring the real problem and pushing for something that should not be a priority at the moment?If they love each other and are in a good relationship why does it matter if the ring comes AFTER the money issue is resolved?Fodder and run back to the nest? You mean because someone ELSE posted it on the nest andI responded to it there as well? I'm sorry I didn't know we were only allowed to talk about this issue on this board. You know because she is the only one dealing with money and cc issues.Imagine how frustrating it is to try and get a valed point across when all people want is rainbows and puppies.  It doesnt matter what the issues are as long as you love each otrher all will be ok right?

cocitygirl

I am not pushing for a ring.  I told him I'd be happy to wait.  Plus, to me, I don't even need a ring to get engaged anyway.  But yeah, I can wait.  It's not a big deal- I've waited 3 1/2 years.And Martini, he's not going behind my back racking up CC debt.  Glad you made that up in your mind, though.  All of the debt is old, he's incredibly cheap now (because he learned his lesson).  I never said any of the debt was new- it's not, most of it is old, except for some past due payments that happened when he was laid off.

**Mutley**

I used to have these types of fights with my EX.  Insert any subject for $.   I express what I want/feel about something.  He says that I am trying to control him and that it is his life.  There was no room for compromise.  It was his way or the highway.  My feelings or wants could not be different than his.     I think the bigger red flag is that you are not 'fighting' productively.  You express your feelings about something.  His response is that of a 2 year old throwing a tantrum.  At the end of the day, the ring doesn't matter at all.  Take Jeanna's line - use, rinse, and repeat.  

cocitygirl

HE wants to buy the ring, I don't even care about it!  I gave him cheaper options because he is going to buy something either way.

magsugar13

valid

cocitygirl

Mutley- we ARE fighting productively.  As I have said numerous times now, we discussed it again and are finding a compromise. 

**Mutley**

So he didn't make statements about you trying to control him or that you are telling him what to do? 

notquiteblushing

Believe me I have never been accused of rainbows and puppies (see recent banning). But before you go C&Ping someone's situation, make sure to get your facts straight: cocity has said multiple times her FI makes a good (six figures) salary. And you were attacking me.  It's okay, I can take it, but what did you mean by this exactly? You don't see much advice in telling her she should be more concerned about other issues instead of a ring? Well, somwe how that doesn't surprise me.

cocitygirl

So he didn't make statements about you trying to control him or that you are telling him what to do? He did when I first brought it up.  He was defensive and hurt, so he went there.  I first posted this topic when I got into work at early AM- he slept on it and contacted me later in the day saying he understood what I was talking about.  The trying to control him thing was just a knee-jerk reaction from him because he really wanted the whole engagement thing to be HIS, with no involvement from me.  But, as I explained to him (and as many of you agree) it involves me, because his financial problems become mine after we are married.

magsugar13

I guess you NEED to gat your facts straight and correct before you go accusing somebody of doing something. Isn't that a big no no in legal land? I did not c&p anything. I'm disappointed counselor.If you call my posts attacking, I guess I could say the same for yours, huh?What i meant by my statement was it doesn't surprise me that this board is full of love will conquer all and that reality doesn't really have a huge part around here. (some girls are very good at it, but there are only a few)

notquiteblushing

There are some overly optimistic posters here, I'll concede that.  I just don't think I am one of them. Fine, you didn't C&P but you described a situation that (if it were about OP) was innaccurate. Court adjourned.

magsugar13

No, I described what my response was to her and  my feelings about her lack of response...and what your response was to ziti. I don't know how MY interpetation of MY post could be innaccurate!Now court is adjourned!

cocitygirl

I'm sorry you felt I was ignoring you, Mag, but I felt you were just trying to be snarky.  I didn't want to egg it on because I don't like pointless arguing.  But, I understand now that you really were trying to give advice- the tone just didn't come across the way originally.

notquiteblushing

The inaccuracy I was referring to was: What if you lived with him and he was HIDING it from you! He wasnt making much money and he could barelt support himself never mind pay off debt! Would you be bugging him about getting an engagement ring?But that is not OP's situation so alas we are done, pending further updates I hope.

Goldlie11

Even though some of the comments you have received may have seemed harsh, I think you can get something positive out of this. You and your BF need to each print out your credit report and FICO score (actually you have 3 different credit reports, but one should do.) You should also get copies off all of your bank statements. Exchange these reports and you will each know how much debt you have and how much money you have in the bank. Also, you need to discuss savings goals. Since you own a home already, what else do you want to do with your money? As far as CC debt, I hope his is able to clear it up before you two get married. You don't want to start your relationship off like that if you can help it.

Goldlie11

One more thing. I do agree with others that this situation and the other situation constitutes as a red flag. He should have told you the full extent of his CC debt before you moved in.

magsugar13

He is working on it by trying to pay off his credit cards, and that is why he's been broke lately.Now, we are done. Unless there are updates!

jeanacorina

HEY!We're not done here until *I* say so!!!!...I stand by my original advice. I know looking for rings is exciting, but ya don't need one right now.This problem needs to be resolved 100% to the satisfaction of both parties and a plan laid out to avoid future miscommunication (or lack of communication) years down the road.YEEEEEEARS. Decades. A really, really long time.This is a big deal, and it's good you're talking, cocity. But forget the ring for now, and tell him to do the same. Sure, it could all work out just peachy.... THEN go look at rings. But right now there's just too much crap. It stinks.Fix it first.

magsugar13

AMEN!

skichica622

I just want to reiterate for Co that I'm literally in the same scenario, and it is TOTALLY possible to work through it. Just keep the lines of communication open. We got to a point where we literally printed out our credit scores and looked at each other's (you can get one for free once per year). We made sure there was a financial plan for paying off debt that made sense for us. Sometimes the male ego is annoying, but just keep communicating and it can definitely be ok!