More money drama

cocitygirl

So, some of you may remember I posted last week about my BF making a fuss about buying some bookshelves.  We all know from the discussion that he is bad with money.I talked to him about money a bit more this weekend, and he let it slip that his credit is pretty terrible.  He is working on it by trying to pay off his credit cards, and that is why he's been broke lately.  That's very commendable and I'm happy he's trying to fix things before his financial troubles become OUR financial troubles.BUT, I told him I didn't think he should spend any real money on an engagement ring, because I'd rather he use that money to take care of his credit cards/other debt.  I'm not much of a jewelry person, and I'm pretty much the opposite of materialistic.  He's all bent out of shape about it and we got in a big fight.  He thinks it's ridiculous to get me a cheap engagement ring because it has to last forever.  He won't even consider something simple.  He doesn't think that $2,000 is much to spend on a ring.  He also thinks I'm trying to control him and tell him what to do with his money.Ok, kind of just a rant, but what do you guys think about this?

notquiteblushing

Well that's good you guys talked about money because I agree it's one of those issues that is crucial to a relationship.  And it sucks he won't respect your wishes about spending less money on a ring.  It's that kind of "buy it today, pay for it tommorrow" attitude that gets a lot of people in trouble.  Why don't you just suggest he set aside a little bit each month for the ring while he fixes his finances and then tell him you're in no hurry to get it.

magsugar13

I think the whole ring issue is the least of your issues together.

isa2gab

We had the same problem. He wanted a real ring and I said we couldnt afford it. Well we finally agreed on a 10k ring with a blue topaz for the main stone. It only cost about 900 with sizing. I love it. I am happy with it and so is he. What I would tell you to do is go looking with him and when you find one you like and it is not super expensive you tell him. Most guys want to make the girl happy.

cocitygirl

The only good thing is that he's planning on paying cash.  He doesn't use his credit card anymore.  I guess I kind of understand where he's coming from.  It's a big deal to him and, as he says he wants to "do it right".  I just think we have different ideas of what right is.  We went around and around about it and I guess it's just one of those things where I'm going to have to butt out and mind my own business.  It's his money and if he wants to spend it on a ring, I don't really think I can stop him.  Oh, and funnily (is that a word?) enough, he just emailed to ask me my ring size.  I'm like "Really?  You think this is a good time?"  Men.

KD+BC

I think it's smart that you're getting the financial information now. My question is, if he has thousands of dollars in cash to pay for this ring, why does he have so much credit card debt? Or is that what you're saying? I don't know if I read it wrong. I agree with you in that I would prefer a smaller/less expensive ring if it means that when the marriage comes along, he'll be closer to being out of debt!Good luck!ps. My bf had decent credit but a lot of credit card and personal loan debt when we first starting dating. Since we've started living together, I pretty much take care of all of the finances and he loves it! He doesn't have to think about it anymore and I don't have to worry about him!

**Mutley**

Ditto, mag.  I respectfully disagree with the comment about it being "his money" and letting him do whatever he wants in regards to an e-ring.    Well before FI and I were engaged, we looked at everything as ours.  We knew we were building a future together and out of respect we made any big decisions together.  How to spend $ is a big decision.  If he cannot listen/compromise with you about $ now (i.e. He also thinks I'm trying to control him and tell him what to do with his money,) I highly doubt any of that is going to change in the future.        

honeybee72

I went back and skimmed your post about the bookshelves. If you are living together and contributing to the household expenses, you should have full knowledge about his financial issues. Even more so if you are considering marrying this man. His bad credit should not be something that is a surprise to you at this point.He says he's working on it, good. Make him prove it. If you are talking about marriage, full financial disclosure is not too much to ask.

cocitygirl

Yeah, KD, that's exactly what I was saying.  I was trying to urge him to take $1500 of the $2000 he has saved and put it towards his credit cards, and get me a $500 ring instead. 

MustangSally67

It is good you are having this conversation now. It sounds like you have already realized you have very different styles when it comes to dealing with money. But just stop and really think about how this is going to effect not just your relationship, but you personally as well. If you are ready to get engaged, you will soon be taking on his money problems as well. His bad credit could become your problem too when you get married. Have you talked about how him cleaning up his debt before getting engaged could help both of your financial stability for the future?

noelle24

As long as he's now managing his debt well, is working toward being debt-free, and doesn't plan on going into debt for your ring, you need to let it go.  The bottom line is that it's HIS money right now, and it's up to him how he spends it.  That may mean you have to wait a while before you get married, but so be it. I think it's fine to tell him that you want to wait for him to pay off his credit cards before you get engaged and married.I think my FI spent waaaay too much on my ring, and he feels like a cheapskate because he didn't pay more (for which I want to smack him upside the head).  But it's his money, and I can't tell him what he should or should not have spent. 

cocitygirl

Thanks, noelle, that's how I feel.  He's working on it, so I'm not telling him anything he doesn't already know.  He just made some bad decisions when he was younger- he basically started making really good money when he was only about 21, and he didn't know how to be responsible with it.  And I said the exact things to him that you guys are saying- specifically I said "I'm not trying to control you, I just know that your problems will be my problems after we get married."  I'm not worried about wedding costs, though- my parents have already said they'll pay because we're planning a cheap wedding.

Elle1036

He wants to provide for you...  it's kind of a male ego thing, kind of an evolutionary characteristic, and kind of sweet.  Either way, he is probably not going to be happy if he gives you a cheap ring.  It will eat at him.  So let him give you the ring he wants to give you, but tell him that you won't be getting married until he is out of debt, even if that means its a three-year engagement.

Goldlie11

I have mixed feelings about the situation. Yes, it is his money. On the other hand, the two of you share a household, so you should be involved with how money is spent. I agree with others that money issues really need to be sorted out ASAP. Most arguments are over money, sex, and children. Has your bf told you how much he wants to spend on the ring?

KD+BC

Ok, I'm glad I understood you. I think it's time to sit down and figure out how you are going to work as a married couple financially. It seriously is the one thing that the bf and I argue about most. He's much more loose and I'm very cheap. It's something that we are constantly working on. I'm sure that you'll be able to work together to figure it out but communicate before the papers are signed!

skichica622

I'm in a very similar situation actually. BF has leftover debt from his early 20s that he's digging himself out of, but has good $$ habits now. We had the same conversation, that I think it's way more important to work on the debt than buy a ring. I even suggested the $500 ring but he absolutely refused because he's kinda got a traditional mindset. We ended up compromising and decided to get a moissanite ring. It's got the same "bling" and durability of a diamond, but much less cost. We also went to try on diamond rings just in case he decides to go that route, and I convinced him that rings that are less than 1/2 carat are actually really beautiful in some cases. Just keep those lines of communication open and over time maybe it'll sink in? Good luck!

fletch102483

I STRONGLY suggest that the 2 of you see a financial advisor BEFORE getting married...put it all on the table, debt, and credit scores. I know that doesn't sound very romantic but I beleive it's something everyone should do.

cocitygirl

I think that's where we're at now, ski.  I sent him some more affordable, middle-of-the road rings today and he said he'll definitely consider.  He really thought he couldn't get anything decent for under $2000.

zitiqueen

There are red flags all over this post but the OP is insisting on burying her head in the sand and pretending the only issue is how much to spend on an engagement ring.Save [url=http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/4110123/ShowForum.aspx]this link[/url] for future reference. You're gonna need it.

magsugar13

She said the same thing I did qo posts ago, she is right. You have bigger issues than a ring, but that is all you seem to be focusing on!

notquiteblushing

Seriously, put the flame throwers away.  She came to the board for advice.  Both her and her boyfriend have acknowledged that there is a problem and they are trying to work it out.  Yes his attitude seems careless but that's why she is asking for help.  Good luck cocity and keep us updated.

magsugar13

so, because our advice isnt what she wanted to hear it is wrong advice?

smock.smock

Are you mad that you're only finding out about his credit card debt now?

notquiteblushing

I don't see much advice, just "red flag, red flag."  She said she wanted to convince him to look at cheaper rings and then she followed up by saying he was now looking at cheaper rings.  Sure there are also other problems but I think both cocity and her boyfriend know that so I think we should try to be more helpful than critical.

magsugar13

You don't see much advice in telling her she should be more concerned about other issues instead of a ring? Well, somwe how that doesn't surprise me.

notquiteblushing

That's not so much as advice as a judgement call.  She said he/they were working on the issues.  Of course they should be honest with each other about their finances but it seems to me like that's how this conversation started if you reread.Anyway cocity, I would like to reiterate my earlier advice of telling him you're happy to wait a little longer for the ring.

jeanacorina

Tell him to get his sh*t together or he won't be needing a ring.Well... that was a little sarcastic. Tell him he won't need a ring until he gets his sh*t together. That's probably more what I would do.

magsugar13

I did reread it and what i read was he was HIDING his CC debt from her, they have no money, and all she is concerned with is a ring. Telling him a smaller ring will do is NOT solving the issue here. He has a huge problem that he HID from her, and her main concern is still a ring!! I know when all you are concerned with or obsessed with is getting a ring, nothing else in the world matter, but in reality being in a relationship with a man who has serious money handling issues and LIES about it SHOULD be her #1 concern and even thinking about a ring is further proof of a bigger and deeper issue. Advice hurts sometimes, but  telling her it will all be OK is NOT advice either!

notquiteblushing

I know when all you are concerned with or obsessed with is getting a ring, nothing else in the world matter, but in reality being in a relationship with a man who has serious money handling issues and LIES about it SHOULD be her #1 concern and even thinking about a ring is further proof of a bigger and deeper issue. Advice hurts sometimes, but telling her it will all be OK is NOT advice either!She got some blunt advice in this and her last post (from me and others).  And while she is just learning the full extent of her BF's finances at least it's out in the open and they are dealing with it now.  I'm just trying to be supportive.  Yes I could say "don't marry him!!!" but really when has that ever worked on the knot (besides elannis, we miss you!)?  Or should I be all judgy because my FI and I have savings, and no debt other than low interest student loans and a mortgage?  How would that help?I think most people have said talk to him, work out a financial plan and tell him you don't want a fancy ring.  What do you see wrong with that advice?

magsugar13

Did i tell her not to marry him? If I did please point it out!I told her that her ring should NOT be of concern at the moment and that his money issues and LYING ARE MUCH bigger problems.  I also said that her focusing STILL on a ring AFTER finding  ALL of this out is NOT healthy! It seems to me that lying and hiding debt are a much bigger concern to some than others. To others getting a ring no matter what is more important. THAT a HUGE red Flag!

notquiteblushing

I don't think he was lying or "hiding" debt, I think they moved in together without having full disclosure of where they stood financially.  You can call that semantics but I'm a lawyer so I can argue the difference for about another 50 posts.  Would I have done that?  No.  But the issue is what should they do now.