anyone else refuse to help pick out thier own ring?

redheadtmk

Anybody else out there want the ring to be a complete surprise? Are you worried about being disappointed?

purplepeopleeater11

My BF said that the ring was the part that was stressing him out more than anything.   I told him I didn't care what the ring looked like, I would accept a twist tie from him.  However, I don't want him to be under that kind of pressure, so while I would have initially loved it to be a suprise I am more than willing to give him ideas.  His view is: I'm going to be wearing it forever, I should have a say.  So I've picked out a few and gone to look at them with him but ultimately it's up to him to make the final decision.

breezerb

I think if there's a style that you really like (maybe you have your heart set on a solitaire) or something you hate (i.e. the last thing I want in the world is a gold ring) than you have to at least make note of that.

If there is even one tiny thing that you don't like, if you don't mention it, then you have to prepare that you may end up with exactly you don't want

That being said I don't want to "pick out my ring" but I've shown my SO styles that I like and things that I don't

My ring will still be a complete surprise as he gets to pick out the finished product, and with my input it will be a part of both our choices 

deburnin

I found two rings that I like. I have no idea which ring BF will pick and that's surprise enough for me. I'm very picky about the jewelry I wear since I don't really wear any.

Roo726

I wouldn't be willing to pick it out as I feel it is almost like an adventure or a relationship test, if your getting married, he better know the things you like and dislike- or at least close to it.  I won't say crap like "it doesn't matter" -everyone is different.  Some are okay with accepting it because it was purchased out of love, and some won't- to each their own.

PaigeMcC

I told him what kind of style I liked and left the rest up to him.  I would have said yes no matter what, but I'm really glad I had some input.

leia1979

I picked mine out, but it wasn't used in the proposal because it wasn't ready yet.

I basically knew when the proposal was going to be not because of the ring but for other reasons. Yeah, I wonder what it would be like if he'd caught me more by surprise, but I wouldn't change what he did. It was exactly what I wanted.

CWill16

I wanted some imput, after all, I am the one who has to wear it. 

HeartOverMind

When he asks, I'm going to tell him the exact ring that I want. He'd be completely clueless otherwise.

jemmini6

I made it easy for FI.  The ring I wanted was a princess cut solitaire in white gold.  That was it.  I still went with him to try some on because we weren't sure what size diamond would look good on me and to get my finger sized.

Even though I knew what my ring would be, I didn't know when or how the proposal would come.  And to be honest, that was the biggest surprise.

bakes218

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_anyone-else-refuse-pick-out-thier-own-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d880ad2c-af0e-467c-806a-b049255131ccPost:bffea861-bc30-4b9a-892a-20151b6414b3">Re: anyone else refuse to help pick out thier own ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't be willing to pick it out as I feel it is almost like an adventure or a relationship test, if your getting married, he better know the things you like and dislike- or at least close to it.  I won't say crap like "it doesn't matter" -everyone is different.  Some are okay with accepting it because it was purchased out of love, and some won't- to each their own.
Posted by Roo726[/QUOTE]

<em> </em>I am sorry, this is a little weird. I don't see this as a test. This is a ring I will wear forever. FI and I went to pick it out together. It was romantic and exciting and when he proposed I was so happy, excited, and surprised that the last thing going through my mind was , "Oh, I know what the ring looks like."

My ring is perfect and I am so glad we did it together.

HeartOverMind

Yeah, I do not agree that the guy picking out the ring is a test. What about the girls who don't really wear jewelry? How is he supposed to know what you like unless you told him. My BF knows me pretty well, but when it comes to clothes and jewelry...are you kidding me? He is confused and frustrated.

I'm not going to make this hard on him, he's going to be nervous enough when he talks to my dad. I want to make the ring, the easiest part. All he has to do is ask!

bakes218

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_anyone-else-refuse-pick-out-thier-own-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d880ad2c-af0e-467c-806a-b049255131ccPost:f413ee32-523b-4e48-b685-26084f735969">Re: anyone else refuse to help pick out thier own ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, I do not agree that the guy picking out the ring is a test. What about the girls who don't really wear jewelry? How is he supposed to know what you like unless you told him. My BF knows me pretty well, but when it comes to clothes and jewelry...are you kidding me? He is confused and frustrated. I'm not going to make this hard on him, he's going to be nervous enough when he talks to my dad. I want to make the ring, the easiest part. All he has to do is ask!
Posted by HeartOverMind[/QUOTE]

EXACTLY..nicely put.

katanne9

My ring was a total surprise.

DH really wanted it to be a surprise and wanted to do it without me. We sat down and I showed him a few pictures of styles I liked about a year before he proposed, but that was it.

It was totally worth it. : ) The ring is better than I could have imagined and, while yes it did make me a little nervous, I LOVE LOVE that he designed it on his own (it was a custom setting, also his decision).

However, if he didn't have such great taste, know me so well or if he wasn't such a thorough researcher about settings and diamonds I would have wanted to be more involved.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_anyone-else-refuse-pick-out-thier-own-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d880ad2c-af0e-467c-806a-b049255131ccPost:0074f0a0-81ee-41a5-bb36-93e1f734395a">anyone else refuse to help pick out thier own ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]Anybody else out there want the ring to be a complete surprise? Are you worried about being disappointed?
Posted by redheadtmk[/QUOTE]

I think if you're refusing to help pick out a ring or give him any advice, you forfeit your right to be disappointed in it.

I just don't see it as a "test". Also, the ring is a gift- I think too many girls lose sight of that.

Personally, I wouldn't want to go ring shopping. Would I show pictures of what I like? Yepp. I'd give general details I like. But I also think that too many girls obsess over the ring (the style of it, I mean).

PaigeMcC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_anyone-else-refuse-pick-out-thier-own-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d880ad2c-af0e-467c-806a-b049255131ccPost:1de64258-2106-4514-a79b-41ca1386a92c">Re: anyone else refuse to help pick out thier own ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]My ring was a total surprise. DH really wanted it to be a surprise and wanted to do it without me. We sat down and I showed him a few pictures of styles I liked about a year before he proposed, but that was it. It was totally worth it. : ) The ring is better than I could have imagined and, while yes it did make me a little nervous, I LOVE LOVE that he designed it on his own (it was a custom setting, also his decision). However, if he didn't have such great taste, know me so well or if he wasn't such a thorough researcher about settings and diamonds I would have wanted to be more involved.
Posted by katanne9[/QUOTE]

Andplusalso, your ring is GORGEOUS!

StarGazingHiker

He asked me one day if I wanted to go look at "shiny things" so we hit up a few stores to see what we liked. I thought I only wanted a princess cut solitaire with a gold band, but he had his own ideas such as a round cut in white gold. For us, it was very beneficial to go looking at rings because I realized what I thought I wanted didn't look good and what he thought he wanted wasn't exactly what he was thinking.

Through trying on rings, we were able to pick out a few styles that we both loved, so now its up to him to choose the final one.

For me, I really was excited to go look because I'm picky about what I wear and he knows it, plus he wants it to be something we both love

Elle1036

The idea of refusing to help pick it out is completely unfathomable to me.  I'm very picky, don't wear a lot of jewelry, and had pretty clear ideas of what I did and didn't want.  We went together to several different stores to make sure we agreed on what we liked, but the final decision was mine.  We had it custom-made, and the jeweler didn't even know BF's name until about a week ago, because I've been handling all of the communication.  LOL.  Control freak, I guess.

MidniteRae

I hate surprises. He knows what I like and he has good taste. I'm not worried about what the ring will look like.

calindi

I kind of like a happy medium, and that's determined by each couple.  It is a gift, so he should certainly have a say in it.  At the same time, you have to wear it, so it should be something that will fit your style.  However you want to do that is fine - either give him guidelines, show him pictures, or go shopping together.  Even working on it together and purchasing it together is fine, too, if that's how you want to do it.

For us, I couldn't imagine not looking at them in person.  What I liked on my finger was totally different from what I liked in books.  And there's details you can only tell in person, like how high off your finger you prefer the setting.  So we looked together, and now I'm putting together a 'cheat sheet' with the details I like and a few example pics, and it's in his hands.  I know he'll do a great job because he was really good at picking up what aspects I liked and didn't like in the rings we looked at.

I will say, Elle, that I think you're being a bit extreme.  Sure, you want it a certain way, but it sounds like the process of choosing and designing the ring has nothing to do with your boyfriend - like you're designing it, checking that it's all correct, and then just having it delivered to him and he just has to pay the bill.  I think at some point you have to give the person you're with some amount of trust - maybe design it together and then leave it in his hands?  I think my BF would be rather hurt if I didn't even trust him to deal with the jeweler on his own.

CWill16

About this whole "test" business... what if he picks one you don't like and he "fails"?

What is the appropriate punishment? He has to do it again? You don't get married?

I think that is kind of silly

Roo726

Not a TEST TEST in a bad way, like your relationship is doomed if he gets the ring wrong i just think its a natural thing for a guy to pick it out, as it is a gift.  Nor did a say i wouldn't help, i just wouldn't bombard him with millions of photos or say that "i want this or that, or else I won't like it" I know you wear it forever, but there is an element to the surprise and people did this for centuries without helping.  But i just think part of this process is the guy either asking for help if he needs it, or doing it on his own if he wants to-it depends on the man. There are also your friends and family, sisters...all sorts of people.  I think a guy should kinda do his research is what I mean.  And if that is the style of the couple for the guy to just say "i want you to be happy, so come with me to pick it out" then I would say that is the adventure and appropriate for the couple.  THAT is what I meant by "test".  Not that I would refuse to help him lol. come on, that would be irrational.

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_anyone-else-refuse-pick-out-thier-own-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d880ad2c-af0e-467c-806a-b049255131ccPost:6159bd1c-2f0e-412b-97ed-905f169b78de">Re: anyone else refuse to help pick out thier own ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]people did this for centuries without helping.
Posted by Roo726[/QUOTE]

Not centuries - engagement rings have only really been around for the last century, so it would be more accurate to measure in decades.  Diamond rings are part of the best marketing ploy in history.

Before the end of the 19th century, the bride-to-be frequently received a sewing thimble rather than a engagement ring.  Engagement rings didn't become standard in the West until the end of the 19th century, and diamond rings didn't become common until the 1930s.

Not that it's always the best source, but it's easy: <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Engagement_ring" rel="nofollow">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Engagement_ring</a>

Roo726

For pete's sake.  DECADES. You catch the drift.

HeartOverMind

And even when diamond rings were first used as an engagement gift, tradition was that the man picked out a few rings that were in his budget and then the girl had the last pick. 

StarGazingHiker

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_anyone-else-refuse-pick-out-thier-own-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d880ad2c-af0e-467c-806a-b049255131ccPost:5a793844-3832-4d36-b012-9d0ba02c85e3">Re: anyone else refuse to help pick out thier own ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: anyone else refuse to help pick out thier own ring? : Before the end of the 19th century, the bride-to-be frequently received a sewing thimble rather than a engagement ring.   Not that it's always the best source, but it's easy: <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Engagement_ring" rel="nofollow">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Engagement_ring</a>
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

Maybe I should tell my bf that I want a sewing thimble rather than a ring... I mean, I know some people want an engagement pony and some want an engagement ring, but maybe a thimble is the way to go!

PS- Calindi... you and your infinite amounts of knowledge! Love it and wikipedia...

Roo726

wow, please reread what I just wrote.....i was more getting at the psychos out there who pick it out and force it on their boyfriends etc. and suck all the fun out of it, and turn it into a whos horse is bigger competition. I have known girls who literally have told their boyfriends its ugly, or I want to exchange it.  I just think, sometimes its sad. Not that helping is bad! or if he came to you, and asked that you should say "no".  HELLO how crazy is that??

BUT if you are getting married, and he knows you well enough, he should know to do it on his own, or ask advice, or ask your friends- i just think that is important, thats what I meant, if you're at the point of marriage, he should know you're not a jewelry wearer, so I better get some hints...or he needs to look at your jewelry box for ideas.  That is common sense. 

Everyone elses opinions were right for them, i agree its about a mutual understanding.  But you can't disagree that there are alot of girls out there who hurt men's feelings over this, and turn it into something it is not.  They turn the experience into " I want what i want case closed".  I think thats rude and it misses the point of the gift all together.

calindi

The point isn't what people have always done - it's why they did it, and why we continue to do it.  Sure, it's sparkly and I'm looking forward to my own, but I choose to analyze the history of the diamond engagement ring so I can put its use in the context of my own relationship.  I gotta admit, as much as I anxiously await my own engagement ring, the practice is rather chauvanistic at its roots.  To make it more equal, I will be giving my boyfriend an engagement watch, that way we each have a piece of jewelry to mark the occasion.

Read this: http://www.slate.com/id/2167870/

EDIT: Roo, I don't disagree with you - the engagement ring is made into a much bigger deal than it should be, and by some girls it's like an ultimatum ("Give me my ideal ring or else you're not good enough!").  Sure, he should be able to have some ability to pick out a ring, just like he should be able to buy you a birthday gift you like.  But my parents have been married for 28 years, and my grandparents for 51, and I can tell you that neither my father nor my grandfather to this day have picked out a piece of jewelry that their spouses liked - my Mom helped pick out a 25th wedding anniversary ring which she now wears as her wedding ring.  And they still have happy marriages.  So it's not a prerequisite that he be able to pick out jewelry to make him marriage material - I'd rather he have a bunch of other qualities than good taste in jewelry.

allisond92

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_anyone-else-refuse-pick-out-thier-own-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d880ad2c-af0e-467c-806a-b049255131ccPost:bffea861-bc30-4b9a-892a-20151b6414b3">Re: anyone else refuse to help pick out thier own ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't be willing to pick it out as I feel it is almost like an adventure or a relationship test, if your getting married, he better know the things you like and dislike- or at least close to it.  I won't say crap like "it doesn't matter" -everyone is different.  Some are okay with accepting it because it was purchased out of love, and some won't- to each their own.
Posted by Roo726[/QUOTE]

<div>I very much agree with Roo. I made sure my BF knew that I wanted anything but gold and that I didn't want too much. And he knows my style, so I trust him with the decision. Let him know that you trust his decision, but still make sure he knows at least the basics (your size, if you preferred a certain metal, any styles you hate etc.)</div>

Roo726

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_anyone-else-refuse-pick-out-thier-own-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d880ad2c-af0e-467c-806a-b049255131ccPost:52601bd1-18ae-4fc6-a5b1-32531306d1d1">Re: anyone else refuse to help pick out thier own ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]The point isn't what people have always done - it's why they did it, and why we continue to do it.  Sure, it's sparkly and I'm looking forward to my own, but I choose to analyze the history of the diamond engagement ring so I can put its use in the context of my own relationship.  I gotta admit, as much as I anxiously await my own engagement ring, the practice is rather chauvanistic at its roots.  To make it more equal, I will be giving my boyfriend an engagement watch, that way we each have a piece of jewelry to mark the occasion. Read this: <a href="http://www.slate.com/id/2167870/" rel="nofollow">http://www.slate.com/id/2167870/</a>
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

HOLLER. no but really, agreed. 

The watch is a great idea, my friend inscribed a leather wallet for her fiance.

I want pie. preferably, CHERRY.

katanne9

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_anyone-else-refuse-pick-out-thier-own-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d880ad2c-af0e-467c-806a-b049255131ccPost:f1b46aec-eaaf-4b4c-bf59-9c81ae7c5741">Re: anyone else refuse to help pick out thier own ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]For pete's sake.  DECADES. You catch the drift.
Posted by Roo726[/QUOTE]


Haha, I think PPs have taken your statement a bit extreme.

All I can think is "why is everybody pickin' on Roo" (think song lyrics).