Bridesmaid refuses Hairstyle

k_nguyen08

thank you for the replies.. I do appreciate all of the responses I got.
I will take into consideration everything you guys have said. Thank You.

redheadfsu

Is she paying for her hair? If so then she can use whatever hairdresser she wants. I don't see the big deal, but I look horrible with my hair up.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-refuses-hairstyle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:71a2ba66-7c67-43af-bc96-47c3d9c0c625Post:37d081f0-9b5d-47a6-b796-3ed7dbdedc9a">Bridesmaid refuses Hairstyle</a>:
[QUOTE]My wedding is coming up on 09/05/10. I have four bridesmaids all together (two sisters, two friends). Two of my bridesmaids have short hair (above the shoulders) and the other two have "longer" hair (2 or 3 inches below the shoulders). On the day of the Wedding my hair will be in a half do with curls flowing down my shoulders. With the Bridesmaids I want them to have their hair up, off the shoulders to be different than mine. The two with the short hair will have their hair pinned back, very simple (as picture a) and the other two i asked to do something similar, choose between picture b or c. One Bridesmaid refuses to do her hair off her shoulders and says "it won't look nice on me, i don't look pretty with my hair pinned back, trust me on this" AND she is going to her own hairsdresser (tells me): "because I know for sure that she'd know what to do with my kind of hair." She WANTS her hair to be down and flowing in curls which is how i'm having my hair. I told her I want her hair to be like the others and only I will have my hair down. She insists on having her hair different from the other girls and a style similar to mine. <strong>How do I get her to do her hair off the shoulders when she flat out refuses to do so?  </strong>picture a  picture b  picture c p.s. she had issues with shoes too and i gave in and told her to get whatever she wanted. and she choose what dress she wanted to wear
Posted by k_nguyen08[/QUOTE]


You don't.  You are out of line here to be micromanaging hair styles.

Please tell me why it matters that she'll have a similar hairstyle to yours.  And you answer cannot be at all predicated on or use "because I'm the bride". 

You're also the girl in the big white dress and veil who is exchanging vows at the altar.  Do you really think that anyone on your guest list is going to be confused about who the bride is because there's another girl there with a similar hairstyle?

You really shouldn't be demanding a specific style OR stylist.  I have a hair stylist that I've used for years.  She gets me.  She gets my hair.  If there's a wedding anywhere local, I'm using her.

Please step back and realize that you are coming across as controlling, micromanaging and frankly, just a little silly.  It's a hair style.

Now, if she did want to wear a big white dress and a veil, I'd be backing you up.

lisalou402

No one will think she's the bride if her hair is down like yours!  She's not walking in the white dress and veil! 

She also may not like her hair up...I want all my BMs to feel as comfortable and beatiful as possible.  If someone had me do my hair in a style that made me self conscious, i would be very unhappy.

Try not to sweat the small stuff. You're the one in the pretty white dress!

skippylouwho

You cannot be serious. 

suz62984

You can't manage who she gets her hair done by unless you are paying. You should be paying if you are demanding that all of them get their hair done btw. If she goes to her own person then she has to pay for that person.

I really don't see why she couldn't do option C just because that is pretty much down; however some people are just funny about their hair style and who touches their hair. Just let it go. Even if she does the exact same hair as you, which is annoying, you will be the one in the white wedding dress. No one will think anything of it I promise. And no one will be paying much attention to her. Wouldn't you rather your friend feel pretty and comfortable on that day too? If you force her to stick her hair up she is going to feel awkward and ugly standing up in front of everyone.

mysticl

You really should trust her on her hair she's lived with it her whole life.  I had a friend who insisted on doing my hair for some minor event in college so I let her.  She insisted she knew what to do.  Two hours later she was still doing my hair because she realized that you have to work with what my hair already wants to do.  Basically, she tried curling my hair and ended up straightening it.  So then she had to start all over again. 

frogurt814

Ditto PPs.  Who cares how she wears her hair?  I told my BMs I didn't care how they wore their hair.  They could've shown up with pink hair, and I wouldn't have cared.

stina93446

You're being way too demanding. It's just a hairstyle. And who cares if you're doing your hair the same way, no one is going to confuse you and her for the bride. Jeez. 

It won't look bad. Everyone has different hairstyles and face shapes. You really DO need to trust her when she says that it won't look good on her. Also, it will show in your photos and video that she's not comfortable. Have you ever thought that she likes her hair down because it covers something that makes her self conscious?

I let my girls pick out their own hairstyles for my wedding AND I paid for it too. They were so happy to be pampered. They are not clones, therefore they get different hairstyles.

One picked an updo, one did a side ponytail, another did "sexy beach curls" and the last one did grecian curls. I didn't give a flying fuuk what they did as long as they were happy with how it looked. You really should change your attitude on your friend's hair. 

dawnmarie0627

My MOH has hair about the same length as me. My BM has hair that falls right below her chin. The day of the wedding the 3 of us will be going to a salon together (i'm not requiring them to do this, they said they wanted to) and will each tell the hairdresser how we want our own hair. My BM will probably just get a wash and blowout because her hair is very fine and doesn't really respond to curls and bobby-pins. My MOH and I are a lot alike so chances are we will have similar styles. The difference is i'm the bride and she's the MOH and even if her hair looks like mine on the wedding day, it will not take away from me at all.

Also, for what its worth I wouldn't put my hair in any of the styles that you have chosen for her. I know my hair better than anyone else and I know that those looks just wont work for me. Also, why would you want to force a hairstyle on her which she wont like and will probably make her feel uncomfortable as she stands and smiles through pictures?

stina93446

Pics in my bio of different hairstyles at my wedding.

vsgal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-refuses-hairstyle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:71a2ba66-7c67-43af-bc96-47c3d9c0c625Post:37d081f0-9b5d-47a6-b796-3ed7dbdedc9a">Bridesmaid refuses Hairstyle</a>:
[QUOTE]My wedding is coming up on 09/05/10. I have four bridesmaids all together (two sisters, two friends). Two of my bridesmaids have short hair (above the shoulders) and the other two have "longer" hair (2 or 3 inches below the shoulders). On the day of the Wedding my hair will be in a half do with curls flowing down my shoulders. With the Bridesmaids I want them to have their hair up, off the shoulders to be different than mine. The two with the short hair will have their hair pinned back, very simple (as picture a) and the other two i asked to do something similar, choose between picture b or c. One Bridesmaid refuses to do her hair off her shoulders and says "it won't look nice on me, i don't look pretty with my hair pinned back, trust me on this" AND she is going to her own hairsdresser (tells me): "because I know for sure that she'd know what to do with my kind of hair." She WANTS her hair to be down and flowing in curls which is how i'm having my hair. I told her I want her hair to be like the others and only I will have my hair down. She insists on having her hair different from the other girls and a style similar to mine. How do I get her to do her hair off the shoulders when she flat out refuses to do so?  picture a  picture b  picture c p.s. she had issues with shoes too and i gave in and told her to get whatever she wanted. and she choose what dress she wanted to wear
Posted by k_nguyen08[/QUOTE]

So, let me understand this.  You want to force a BM to wear  her hair in a style that she has already told you she is uncomfortable with and get it done by someone that she has never met that does not know what her hair is capable of doing?  How are your pics going to turn out with her scowling and forcing a smile because she is not comfortable  with her appearance? Would you rather have great pics and a great relationship with your wedding party or do you want  the Stepford wivesand resentment.  I would trust her judgement.  She knows what works and what doesn't.

Obviously, you have some entitlement issues.  Get over it. 

jagore08

Are you worried that her having her hair down like yours she'll be mistaken as the bride?  

Who cares how they wear their hair?  Is it directly going to effect you getting married?  If it doesn't then it's not worth stressing over.  Move on.

CTGirl30

Why is this so important to you that you be the only one with your hair down? This sounds very petty. Dictating hairstyles for adult women is not a good idea, OP.

I personally know what looks good and on me and what looks unflattering. And I'm sorry, but if a bride were trying to force me or guilt trip me into going with a look I know is unflattering, I'd be pissed and refuse to do it. This makes you look very insecure. Let them go with the styles they are most comfortable in. Don't you want your friends to feel beautiful, too?

randikins

Ditto PP's. It's HER hair, she knows what works for it and her face shape. She should have the say in how she wears it regardless who's paying. No one will mistake anyone else for the bride, everyone will know that YOU are the bride.

You probably chose her as a BM because of the friendship you have with her, don't let this ruin that friendship.

sabatron

Stop micromanaging. You are the only one who is going to begrudgingly remember your BM's hairstyle.  This detail is so frivilously small, it's almost laughable.  As long as she's not wearing a hot pink wig or something completely absurd and AWish, this should not concern you. Enjoy the rest of your engagement and don't let minutia get to you.

Muffin'sMom

What everyone else said.  And I have to agree with Trix on the hairdresser thing.  For my daughter's wedding, I went early to my own hairdresser.  I have AWFUL hair to cut/style and I am UBER picky.  It took me forever to find her.  I love my daughter, but I wasn't taking a chance!

tldh

Thank God I have the SIL and cousin that I have.  SIL had all of the BMs wear their hair up like what you have but didn't say a word when I wore mine down.  Cousin had her girls wear theirs in a French twist and didn't say a word when I did my own twisty type thing gathered at the nape of the neck.  They both knew how much trouble I have with hairstylists.  My hair is thick and naturally curly and cannot be tamed into doing what straight hair does.  And for the record, what looks good on others usually looks terrible on me and vice versa so your BM has my support on this one.

EDIT: and nobody cares about the shoes.  The only one who will ever notice them is the bride.

emilyinchile

It looks like you've decided to leave this thread, but just in case you're still reading, let me say this.

I went to a wedding on Sunday for one of my best friends. All the BMs had matching hairstyles, and a few of us kind of laughed at how silly and nonessential that was (we think it was a case of picking her battles with her mom because her mom would care about something like that). Those hairstyles were half-up with curls while my friend's hair was different but also partially pulled back with curls - so basically the situation you'd be in with this girl. It in no way diminished anyone's focus on the bride or made anyone think my friend's hair looked less good or whatever you're worried about. So just tell ALL your friends that they can do their hair as they choose, and trust that if you do, they'll all look their best without anyone in any way overshadowing you.

k_nguyen08

thank you for the replies.. I do appreciate all of the responses I got. I just want to say that I am not micro managing. This is the first thing I am really asking them to do, besides the color of the dresses that they are wearing.

I will take into consideration everything you guys have said. Thank You.

MairePoppy

Your bms are human beings with feeling, not decorations. IMO, the bride does not have a right to tell bms to get their hair done by her stylist, even if she is paying for it. And she definitely does not get to dictate the hairstyle.
It took me a long time to find a hairstylist that knows my hair and what will work for me. No one else touches my hair, ever.

Manwaithiel

It's not about how many things you've asked them to do. It's about WHAT you're asking them to do. You're making a big deal about a hair style. It does not need to be different from yours. And you cannot force a bridesmaid under the curling iron of anyone except who she sees fit. 

Since you're going to bring counting into this, it would be about the third thing you've asked them to do with the dress color, shoes, and hair. The latter two are very unnecessary things to be stressing over.

Lisa8888

I have seen this before where the bride wants her BMs to wear their hair a particular way. I haven't heard of any BMs having a problem with it.

There is nothing you can do. She is refusing to wear her hair that way and there is no way to force her. 

I do think she should have been required to wear the dress and shoes you wanted. You were warned that she likely wouldn't conform.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-refuses-hairstyle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:71a2ba66-7c67-43af-bc96-47c3d9c0c625Post:c8029563-926a-4de0-8c35-7a217d44a26e">Re: Bridesmaid refuses Hairstyle</a>:
[QUOTE]thank you for the replies.. I do appreciate all of the responses I got. I just want to say that I am not micro managing. This is the first thing I am really asking them to do, besides the color of the dresses that they are wearing. I will take into consideration everything you guys have said. Thank You.
Posted by k_nguyen08[/QUOTE]

Except that by your OP, it doesn't appear that this actually IS the first thing you were really requiring.   You wrote:

<em><strong>she had issues with shoes too and i gave in and told her to get whatever she wanted. and she choose what dress she wanted to wear

</strong></em>so<em><strong> </strong></em>despite saying it's the first thing, it really isn't.  Everyone here is telling you to relax.  I'm okay with choosing the dress (as long as your WP has budget input prior to selection). 

But once you start demanding specific shoes, hair, jewelry, makeup, you've crossed the line and started turning your dearest friends and family into decor instead of loved ones.

RosenB

i was in a wedding back in may and the BRIDE insisted that everyone have the same hairstyle... everyone had different hair lengths. my hair was an inverted bob and hit my chin, the MOH was like 2 inches below her chin and the other BM had hair down the middle of her back. the hairstyle looked absolutely horrible on each of us, but the bride NEEDED us all to look alike. i ended up looking like a 5 year old with pipe curls (imagine that with really short hair) and a 'poof' on top. it was a HOT MESS. needless to say, my hair doesn't take to hairspray or curls using a curling iron and it had fallen out before the reception even started thankfully.

this is a horrible request on any brides part and you should never DEMAND your bridal party to have the same hairdos! let them be who they are...that is afterall why they are your friends right?

stina93446

I was in a wedding where the bride REQUIRED us to wear our hair all differently....and she had picked out the hair styles for us! I was not a happy camper. I had a huge bump on the front of my face. I felt like a cone head!

aerinpegadrak

Behold the horrors of the mandated bridesmaid updo:



No one on earth can claim that looked good.  But hey, at least she had the same hairstyle as the other bridesmaids!  Because the bride's marriage would have been declared null and void had she allowed her friend to use a stylist who had the first idea how to create a flattering style for her.

aerinpegadrak

And for the record, I brought in a stylist for my girls, but gave them absolutely no direction on how to have their hair done.  They ended up with a mixture of updos and half-and-half styles.  I didn't care how they looked, but I did care about keeping things running on time, and turning them loose in a strange city was too big a risk for me.

Clearly this is NOT the first thing you've asked of them, this is just the first thing they're fighting you on.

CTGirl30

OP, you've been quoted so deleting your first post was pointless. It didn't erase your original question and deleting posts that others took the time to respond to is considered very poor netiquette.  It's a good way to ensure people hesitate to respond when you have future questions.

I'm glad you said that you're going to take into account what people have said to you here, though.

filaw

OP, not sure if you're gone, but I'm going to offer a slightly different pov here.  I think it's totally fine for a bride to request matching hairstyles from her bridesmaids.  But I'm not sure it's something worth going to battle over if she flat out refuses.  I'm sure you must be frustrated when this seems like such a trivial request to you, and since it is, why won't she cooperate.  On the flip side, it seems she is clearly convinced the hairstyle will be so horrible on her she can't bear it, well then I'd probably leave this one alone.

As for the stylist, that issue I'm more senstive on, since I've had stylists ruin my hair in their ignorance.  (Looking bad for a day is one thing, having damage done to my hair that I take great pains to take care of, well that's another entirely).  So I'd say let someone use their own stylist if it means that much to them.

Hope that helps.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-refuses-hairstyle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:71a2ba66-7c67-43af-bc96-47c3d9c0c625Post:bc38a1be-58db-472d-ba89-0a9060502036">Re: Bridesmaid refuses Hairstyle</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, not sure if you're gone, but I'm going to offer a slightly different pov here.<strong><u>  I think it's totally fine for a bride to request matching hairstyles from her bridesmaids.</u></strong>  But I'm not sure it's something worth going to battle over if she flat out refuses.  I'm sure you must be frustrated when this seems like such a trivial request to you, and since it is, why won't she cooperate.  On the flip side, it seems she is clearly convinced the hairstyle will be so horrible on her she can't bear it, well then I'd probably leave this one alone. As for the stylist, that issue I'm more senstive on, since I've had stylists ruin my hair in their ignorance.  (Looking bad for a day is one thing, having damage done to my hair that I take great pains to take care of, well that's another entirely).  So I'd say let someone use their own stylist if it means that much to them. Hope that helps.
Posted by filaw[/QUOTE]

I'm not trying to be snarky, really not.  But I have to ask why you think it's totally fine for a bride to request matching hairstyles?