Bridesmaid refuses Hairstyle

filaw

Trix,

I know a lot of people here disagree with me, but I do think it's acceptable for a bride to *request* it if she wants it.  I've seen weddings where matching hairstyles was the case, I know people that have been one of the matchy matchy BM's and they did not care.  If I were a BM and that request was made *I* would not care.  Heck, I'd even wear a wig if that's what the bride wanted. I think it's fine, if a bride cares that much about the matchy matchy, for her to ask it. 

The issue happens when one of the BM's does care and has expressed that she doesn't want to do it.  If that's the case, I would advise the bride to pick her battles, and that something like this is probably not worth fighting over.

But I do think it's silly not to ask for something if you want it.  I expect my friends to be upfront with me about their desires and wishes, and would be dissapointed if they didn't ask for something they wanted because they were afraid I wouldn't want to do it.  If I don't want to do it, I'll say so.  If I don't care, then she gets her wish and I'm glad I could be a part of that.

Those are my opinions.    YMMV.

~Filaw

aerinpegadrak

I just think it's a silly thing to want, personally.  Even if the girls are all amenable, it's a whole lot of hassle with zero payoff.  I think it's somewhat immature, and a bride who cares enough to make the request is focusing too much on the style of the wedding and, in all probability, losing sight of the substance.

I can request that my boss bring me chocolates every day because it would really make me happy, but it doesn't make the request appropriate or realistic.

filaw

I'm an aesthetic person.  I notice things like hairstyle, fashion, color, architecture, decor, etc. and I enjoy noticing.  Something put together with style and care that creates a pleasing aesthetic picture *pleases* me.  Some people are like that, some people aren't.  I don't think there's anything wrong with either way. 

If a bride is also an aesthetic person that notices details like nail color, shoes, jewelry, etc., I can appreciate that attention to detail.  For instance, if I were a BM for a bride that wanted all of her BM's in matching blond bob wigs for her retro 20's style wedding, I would happily do it, and furthermore, be *pleased* by the aesthetic sense and cleverness of it.  That's because I'm the type of person that I am. 

I can also appreciate that a BM may be horribly uncomfortable with that for a wide variety of reasons.  It doesn't matter *why* she feels that way, what matters is that she *does*.  That's fine too, and it's up to the bride and her friend to communicate both of their concerns and desires, to respect the other, and basically work things out.

I just object to the idea that there's something inherently *wrong* or *shallow* about paying attention to and caring about those kinds of details.

vsgal

I know a lot of people here disagree with me, but I do think it's acceptable for a bride to *request* it if she wants it.  I've seen weddings where matching hairstyles was the case, I know people that have been one of the matchy matchy BM's and they did not care.  If I were a BM and that request was made *I* would not care.  Heck, I'd even wear a wig if that's what the bride wanted. I think it's fine, if a bride cares that much about the matchy matchy, for her to ask it. 


Maybe I am wrong, but you pick your friends because they are individuals and you love them for who they are.  Why would you, as their friend, make them conform to your vision for your wedding?  It is absurd. The request is not justified because you would gladly do it.  It means you are easily manipulated.

filaw

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-refuses-hairstyle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:71a2ba66-7c67-43af-bc96-47c3d9c0c625Post:c85ccf34-127d-469e-b33a-af27ff3164f2">Re: Bridesmaid refuses Hairstyle</a>:
[QUOTE] you pick your friends because they are individuals and you love them for who they are.  Why would you, as their friend, make them conform to your vision for your wedding?  It is absurd. The request is not justified because you would gladly do it.  It means you are easily manipulated.
Posted by vsgal[/QUOTE]

I personally find that to be a false dichotomy.  Asking my friends to dress or look a particular way for a particular event does not mean I don't love them or appreciate their individual style.  When it's her wedding, I'll happily celebrate her individual style with her.  YMMV.

I also don't think it fair for you to start making attacks on my personal character and accuse me of being weak simply because I have expressed that I don't have any problem "dressing up" for a day in the style that my friend enjoys rather than the style *I* enjoy.  My friends and I have actually done this on many occasion, for birthday's for instance.  Everyone dresses up in the style of the birthday girl.  It's not about surrendering or sacraficing my identity.  It's about enjoying and celebrating hers.

emilyinchile

Filaw, I see your point to a certain extent. While I honestly thought the matching hairstyles at the last wedding I went to just looked silly, I wouldn't mind doing my hair in a certain style for a friend. I would think it was over the top on her part, but I'd do it. But something like wearing a matching blonde wig I think I would refuse on principal because seriously? I am not a paper doll, even on your wedding day.

To me the problem is that some people are going to feel like they HAVE to do what the bride wants, even if it makes them uncomfortable. If you know your friends really honestly will tell you then sure, ask in a way that makes them know you're ok with being told no, but sometimes even close friends will feel obligated just because you're the bride and you asked. I also think it's different to say "hey, how would you guys feel about doing similar updo's?" and going from there if everyone sounds excited as opposed to "here is a photo of the exact hairstyle I want, and I've made appointments for you at my salon. Please let me know if you have a problem with this." That second one is harder to say no to.

aerinpegadrak

I just don't comprehend that kind of cloneish uniformity.  All of my girls looked great for my wedding.  They were all individually aesthetically pleasing.  Was it somehow less so because I didn't try to make five very different people look identical?  I mean, good for you if you like the clone thing, I guess, but most people find it borderline creepy.

emilyinchile

Oh, and vsgal, I think saying that you'd go along with a friend's request for a specific style on her wedding day = easily manipulated is a bit much. She's not being tricked into something, she's just saying that she doesn't mind conforming to a certain look for special occasions.

CTGirl30

I notice details, too, and like most people I enjoy aesthetically pleasing things as well.  I never asked my 4 BMs to get their hair done in any particular manner - they each told the stylists we used on the morning of the wedding what they wanted. Some had specific ideas (because they know what they look good in and like) and others were like, "Do whatever you think would look good on me." They ALL came out looking really great. Two girls have shoulder length + hair, one has a chin length bob and the other has very short hair.

They were certainly "aesthetically pleasing" despite the fact that I didn't control it or have a say in the end product.  I think they're all beautiful individuals as it is and I knew they'd look great however they chose to style their hair.

Lisa8888

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-refuses-hairstyle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:71a2ba66-7c67-43af-bc96-47c3d9c0c625Post:6da92203-c63e-4fec-879c-3d790b52c318">Re: Bridesmaid refuses Hairstyle</a>:
[QUOTE]I just don't comprehend that kind of cloneish uniformity.  All of my girls looked great for my wedding.  They were all individually aesthetically pleasing.  Was it somehow less so because I didn't try to make five very different people look identical?  I mean, good for you if you like the clone thing, I guess, but most people find it borderline creepy.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

Borderline creepy!!! The "clone" thing happens to be the norm and what you did is not the norm. Good for you if you prefer anything goes but most brides don't do that and there is no reason to insult people. You also have to consider that you had a very small wedding in a hotel room and most brides have more formal weddings. 

PeonyPrincesskdd

she can have whatever hauir style she wants.  No one will even care or notice that her hair looks like yours.  She is also not wearing a veil or anything, so I think they will know who the bride is

filaw

I just wanted to clarify that I didn't mean to in any way imply that not wanting/needing/liking the matchy matchy look meant that you weren't asethetic or that is isn't an aesthetically pleasing look to have everyone different.  All I wanted to say was I don't think there's anything wrong with liking it either.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-refuses-hairstyle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:71a2ba66-7c67-43af-bc96-47c3d9c0c625Post:15e56745-6b02-448d-ba3d-503be265b28c">Re: Bridesmaid refuses Hairstyle</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm an aesthetic person.  I notice things like hairstyle, fashion, color, architecture, decor, etc. and I enjoy noticing.  Something put together with style and care that creates a pleasing aesthetic picture *pleases* me.  Some people are like that, some people aren't.  I don't think there's anything wrong with either way.  If a bride is also an aesthetic person that notices details like nail color, shoes, jewelry, etc., I can appreciate that attention to detail.  For instance, if I were a BM for a bride that wanted all of her BM's in matching blond bob wigs for her retro 20's style wedding, I would happily do it, and furthermore, be *pleased* by the aesthetic sense and cleverness of it.  That's because I'm the type of person that I am.  I can also appreciate that a BM may be horribly uncomfortable with that for a wide variety of reasons.  It doesn't matter *why* she feels that way, what matters is that she *does*.  That's fine too, and it's up to the bride and her friend to communicate both of their concerns and desires, to respect the other, and basically work things out. I just object to the idea that there's something inherently *wrong* or *shallow* about paying attention to and caring about those kinds of details.
Posted by filaw[/QUOTE]
Something being aesthetically pleasing has nothing to do with people being carbon copies of each other.
When something looks aesthetically pleasing, it just means it looks nice. Things don't have to match or even look perfect to look beautiful.

I think that is where you are getting confused. People and photographs can look aesthetically pleasing without everyone looking like clones and without them having to be told how to look.
Your bridal party are girls you love, inside and outside. They are works of art already. They don't need matching hair to be aesthetically pleasing.

filaw

I never meant to say they *need* to be matching to be aesthetically pleasing.  I do apologize for anything that I said that implied that.  That was never my intention.

All I wanted to say is that I don't see anything wrong with a person liking the matching look.  I got the response of "why would you care about details", and my answer was that I pay attention to details and like them.  That's where this whole "aesthetic" business came in.  But I didn't mean to say in any way that that's the *only* aesthetic.  Quite the contrary.  I just wanted to assert that I don't think it's shallow if a person likes the look, and I don't think it's inapporpriate for her to *ask* for it if she does.

Obviously, people have different (and sometimes very passionate) opinions on this matter.  I just wanted to express mine -- that I don't think there's antying "wrong" or "shallow" or somehow unloving towards her friends, if someone likes the matchy look.

RosenB

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-refuses-hairstyle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:71a2ba66-7c67-43af-bc96-47c3d9c0c625Post:67c36505-a091-4381-b3c3-5a1900f2de5f">Re: Bridesmaid refuses Hairstyle</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid refuses Hairstyle : I personally find that to be a false dichotomy.  Asking my friends to dress or look a particular way for a particular event does not mean I don't love them or appreciate their individual style.  When it's her wedding, I'll happily celebrate her individual style with her.  YMMV. I also don't think it fair for you to start making attacks on my personal character and accuse me of being weak simply because I have expressed that I don't have any problem "dressing up" for a day in the style that my friend enjoys rather than the style *I* enjoy.  My friends and I have actually done this on many occasion, for birthday's for instance.  Everyone dresses up in the style of the birthday girl.  It's not about surrendering or sacraficing my identity.  It's about enjoying and celebrating hers.
Posted by filaw[/QUOTE]

<div>So I just want to ask.. </div><div>Would you make, better yet DEMAND your 'friends' get their makeup done, knowing that one of them is allergic to some of ingredients in foundation or eye shadow just to look the part for your wedding? Also knowing that they could very well have a possible outbreak on their face consisting of hives, just so it could be aesthetically pleasing to everyone else? </div><div>
</div><div>I only ask because this personally happened to me, and I had a horrendous breakout on my face shortly after makeup was piled on my face several layers deep (even when I asked for it not to be). The bride told me to basically suck it up and that I needed to look in uniform with the two of members of the bridal party. </div><div>
</div><div>Needless to say her and I are no longer friends. </div>

[Deleted User]

You don't request them to wear their hair a special way unless you are paying for it and I am not even sure I agree with this. They are their own individual person, let them do what they want, within reason of course. Would you want someone telling you how to wear your hair?

I just told my BM's they could do whatever the wanted as long as it looked nice & pretty, up-do's whatever. Thank God I had great girls. Some of them wore it down with curls and you know what, our pics were just fine. Down the road, no one is going to care about the hair styles of your BM's, it is going to be the marriage and the unity they remember. Let it go.

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-refuses-hairstyle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:71a2ba66-7c67-43af-bc96-47c3d9c0c625Post:78eebeba-14a8-434d-95fd-d03dbf7ffef1">Re: Bridesmaid refuses Hairstyle</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid refuses Hairstyle : So I just want to ask..  Would you make, better yet DEMAND your 'friends' get their makeup done, knowing that one of them is allergic to some of ingredients in foundation or eye shadow just to look the part for your wedding? Also knowing that they could very well have a possible outbreak on their face consisting of hives, just so it could be aesthetically pleasing to everyone else?  I only ask because this personally happened to me, and I had a horrendous breakout on my face shortly after makeup was piled on my face several layers deep (even when I asked for it not to be). The bride told me to basically suck it up and that I needed to look in uniform with the two of members of the bridal party.  Needless to say her and I are no longer friends. 
Posted by RosenB[/QUOTE]

<div>Rosen, I think you missed her point. She never said she would demand anything. She said, in short, that its ok to ask for what you want, but if someone doesn't want to do it, its ok. She was just saying that it is ok to like the matchy look and to ask people to do it. My impression is that she would never demand anyone do anything. </div>

Lisa8888

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-refuses-hairstyle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:71a2ba66-7c67-43af-bc96-47c3d9c0c625Post:78eebeba-14a8-434d-95fd-d03dbf7ffef1">Re: Bridesmaid refuses Hairstyle</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid refuses Hairstyle : So I just want to ask..  Would you make, better yet DEMAND your 'friends' get their makeup done, knowing that one of them is allergic to some of ingredients in foundation or eye shadow just to look the part for your wedding? Also knowing that they could very well have a possible outbreak on their face consisting of hives, just so it could be aesthetically pleasing to everyone else?  I only ask because this personally happened to me, and I had a horrendous breakout on my face shortly after makeup was piled on my face several layers deep (even when I asked for it not to be). The bride told me to basically suck it up and that I needed to look in uniform with the two of members of the bridal party.  Needless to say her and I are no longer friends. 
Posted by RosenB[/QUOTE]

I am sure the bride did not know that you were allergic to some of the ingredients in the makeup. I am also sure that you didn't even know that you were allergic to some of the ingredients because if you knew, you wouldn't have had the makeup put on your face. The bride would have no way of knowing that you might break out in hives because that is such a rare event. The possibility of breaking out in hives is such a rarity that it isn't worth mentioning in this thread.

PeonyPrincesskdd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-refuses-hairstyle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:71a2ba66-7c67-43af-bc96-47c3d9c0c625Post:e5cfb016-29f1-4f91-a6a7-15cf123feb66">Re: Bridesmaid refuses Hairstyle</a>:
[QUOTE]Trix,<strong> I know a lot of people here disagree with me, but I do think it's acceptable for a bride to *request* </strong>it if she wants it.  I've seen weddings where matching hairstyles was the case, I know people that have been one of the matchy matchy BM's and they did not care.  If I were a BM and that request was made *I* would not care.<strong>  Heck, I'd even wear a wig if that's what the bride wanted. </strong>I think it's fine, if a bride cares that much about the matchy matchy, for her to ask it.  The issue happens when one of the BM's does care and has expressed that she doesn't want to do it.  If that's the case, I would advise the bride to pick her battles, and that something like this is probably not worth fighting over. But I do think it's silly not to ask for something if you want it.  I expect my friends to be upfront with me about their desires and wishes, and would be dissapointed if they didn't ask for something they wanted because they were afraid I wouldn't want to do it.  If I don't want to do it, I'll say so.  If I don't care, then she gets her wish and I'm glad I could be a part of that. Those are my opinions.  :)  YMMV. ~Filaw
Posted by filaw[/QUOTE]

I think a bride can *suggest* but requesting is the same thing as demanding, and very unnecessary. 

PeonyPrincesskdd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-refuses-hairstyle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:71a2ba66-7c67-43af-bc96-47c3d9c0c625Post:67c36505-a091-4381-b3c3-5a1900f2de5f">Re: Bridesmaid refuses Hairstyle</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid refuses Hairstyle : I personally find that to be a false dichotomy.  Asking my friends to dress or look a particular way for a particular event does not mean I don't love them or appreciate their individual style.  When it's her wedding, I'll happily celebrate her individual style with her.  YMMV. I also don't think it fair for you to start making attacks on my personal character and accuse me of being weak simply because I have expressed that I don't have any problem "dressing up" for a day in the style that my friend enjoys rather than the style *I* enjoy.  <strong>My friends and I have actually done this on many occasion, for birthday's for instance.  Everyone dresses up in the style of the birthday girl.  It's not about surrendering or sacraficing my identity.  It's about enjoying and celebrating hers.
</strong>Posted by filaw[/QUOTE]
seriously?  that's too much

RosenB

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-refuses-hairstyle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:71a2ba66-7c67-43af-bc96-47c3d9c0c625Post:86352270-dc67-41d1-a092-be5449990614">Re: Bridesmaid refuses Hairstyle</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid refuses Hairstyle : Rosen, I think you missed her point. She never said she would demand anything. She said, in short, that its ok to ask for what you want, but if someone doesn't want to do it, its ok. She was just saying that it is ok to like the matchy look and to ask people to do it. My impression is that she would never demand anyone do anything. 
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

AHHH gotcha. Definitely misunderstood then.
I think its OK to suggest that you like it a certain, but I think the Bride should let her BP be who they are and do what they are comfortable with especially since everyones hair is so different. Unless the bride is paying then that is a different story. I think if the bride wants hair up or down or half up she should just say "hey I like this style, could you please do something similar to it?". I think a lot of people would take to that more rather than have a hairdo thrown at them and say here do this, I dont care if it's not what you like.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-refuses-hairstyle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:71a2ba66-7c67-43af-bc96-47c3d9c0c625Post:37d081f0-9b5d-47a6-b796-3ed7dbdedc9a">Bridesmaid refuses Hairstyle</a>:
[QUOTE]thank you for the replies.. I do appreciate all of the responses I got. I will take into consideration everything you guys have said. Thank You.
Posted by k_nguyen08[/QUOTE]

OP, I certainly hope you are taking this to heart and you are not just placating us.

Let me put it this way for you: my friend (the bride) initially insisted all of her bridesmaids have the same hairstyle. Her sister (the MOH) confronted her privately and said if we are paying for our hairstyles, and since we are different people, it would be nice to let us choose our hairstyles. The bride then agreed to let us choose: oh, but only if the style we choose is 1) an up do, 2) styled curly or at least wavy, and 3) no flowers in our hair.
Ironically, if she had just said "choose your own hair", that's what I would have chosen for myself. But because she's insisting and creating "rules" for us I feel like fighting back. I'm not going to, because that would be petty, but it does bother me that she's doing this. So keep that in mind.

If you were a BM which would you prefer: doing your hair however the bride commanded you OR being able to choose what you like? I'm asking which is your PREFERENCE, not which one you'd fight over. I think most girls would prefer to choose. It's very considerate to allow them to do so.

Also, on the debate about matching hairstyles... I personally think it looks silly. It does not look aesthetically pleasing to me. If you're that concerned about aesthetics, then hire models to be your BMs.

MrsMack10612

In the request/not request debate, emilyinchile had the best suggestion.  Sit down with your BMs and let them know what your vision is and talk it out with them.

I find it absolutely insane this bride is demanding same hair and shoes.

My BMs all have different body/hair types as well as budgets.  They will get 3 criteria - same basic dress syle (meaning lenght/shape), but whatever they are most comfortable in, black shoes and same fabric.

I think once upon a time cookie cutter BMs was the thing to do, but now, not so much.  In my opinion, it looks a little cheesy.

Bottom line is no bride has the right to demand anything of anyone BMs, guests, anyone.