how to tell a bridesmaid she's out of the wedding party

r&dbokan

I have a bridesmaid that got a HUGE tattoo on her chest from armpit to armpit and from neck to top if her boobs. She had asked prior to getting it what i thought and i told her to please wait until after the wedding. She knew that my church is ultra strict and doesn't allow tattoos to be visible. I want all my bridesmaid to look all the same and no shrugs or wraps will cover her tattoo. I already picked out the dress and it's perfect. How do i tell her that she is no longer in the wedding... She's a good friend, but she hurt my feelings by not waiting. I can't have her plastered with makeup and i can't afford to have my pictures fixed. Besides, i don't particularly care for the tattoo either. HELP! I'm not sure how to tell her.

madeline&matt

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-tell-a-bridesmaid-shes-out-of-the-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c264a49a-0068-4adc-ac3e-4eefb82f8e49Post:bc6133ec-b79b-47ce-a114-a1cb52491915">how to tell a bridesmaid she's out of the wedding party</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a bridesmaid that got a HUGE tattoo on her chest from armpit to armpit and from neck to top if her boobs. She had asked prior to getting it what i thought and i told her to please wait until after the wedding. She knew that my church is ultra strict and doesn't allow tattoos to be visible. I want all my bridesmaid to look all the same and no shrugs or wraps will cover her tattoo. I already picked out the dress and it's perfect. How do i tell her that she is no longer in the wedding... She's a good friend, but she hurt my feelings by not waiting.<strong> I can't have her plastered with makeup and i can't afford to have my pictures fixed. Besides, i don't particularly care for the tattoo either.</strong> HELP! I'm not sure how to tell her.
Posted by r&dbokan[/QUOTE]

<div>Clearly this isn't about your church's policies if you're more concerned with "plastering her with makeup" or "fixing your pictures". <div>
</div><div>Your wedding does not mean that everyone else's life comes to a halt and they postpone everything just to fit into your idea of a perfect wedding day. If you don't want her in your bridal party because of a tatto, be prepared to not have her in your life, either. Kicking someone out of your bridal party is a friendship ending move. </div><div>
</div><div>If you care about this person, suck it up and keep your mouth shut.</div></div>

katyb213

Ditto PP. Do you really want to make a friendship ending move just because she got a tattoo? I would think your friendship would mean more to you than heaven forbid that she wears a shrug so she looks "different."

LiLe422

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-tell-a-bridesmaid-shes-out-of-the-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c264a49a-0068-4adc-ac3e-4eefb82f8e49Post:47c2c12a-03b4-4a62-89c4-8905a104c700">Re: how to tell a bridesmaid she's out of the wedding party</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to how to tell a bridesmaid she's out of the wedding party : <strong> Clearly this isn't about your church's policies if you're more concerned with "plastering her with makeup" or "fixing your pictures". </strong> Your wedding does not mean that everyone else's life comes to a halt and they postpone everything just to fit into your idea of a perfect wedding day. If you don't want her in your bridal party because of a tatto, be prepared to not have her in your life, either. Kicking someone out of your bridal party is a friendship ending move.  If you care about this person, suck it up and keep your mouth shut.
Posted by madeline&matt[/QUOTE]

^^^^ Hits nail on head ^^^^

OP, I find it very hard to believe you cannot find a shrug to cover the tat for the ceremony.  FYI, your bp doesn't have to be clones of one another.  

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-tell-a-bridesmaid-shes-out-of-the-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c264a49a-0068-4adc-ac3e-4eefb82f8e49Post:bc6133ec-b79b-47ce-a114-a1cb52491915">how to tell a bridesmaid she's out of the wedding party</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a bridesmaid that got a HUGE tattoo on her chest from armpit to armpit and from neck to top if her boobs. She had asked prior to getting it what i thought and i told her to please wait until after the wedding. She knew that my church is ultra strict and doesn't allow tattoos to be visible. I want all my bridesmaid to look all the same and no shrugs or wraps will cover her tattoo. I already picked out the dress and it's perfect. How do i tell her that she is no longer in the wedding... She's a good friend, but she hurt my feelings by not waiting. I can't have her plastered with makeup and<strong> i can't afford to have my pictures fixed</strong>. Besides, i don't particularly care for the tattoo either. HELP! I'm not sure how to tell her.
Posted by r&dbokan[/QUOTE]

How exactly would this get around your church's strict visible tattoo policy?

You need to make a decision.  Is she really one of your best friends.  If yes, then you need to find a way to cover up the tattoo if your church truly will not allow her in teh building with it.  If she is someone that you don't care if you ever speak to again, then by all means kick her out and end the friendship.

artbyallie

How to tell her she's out? Simple; inform her she's no longer your friend because you don't like her tattoo. Reimburse her for the dress if she's already purchased it.

This post makes you seem not only shallow, but a bad friend in general. You can't tell people what to do or not do with their own body. Your wedding is not their priority and if you care about this person, it should be regardless of their appearance.

All that said, identical bridesmaids are so 1980s anyway.

ETA: Internet safety 101, OP: take your and your groom's names out of your sig, pronto. It is never wise to reveal full names on a public forum.

KatWAG

We have already had this conversation with you.

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_booting-out-a-bridesmaid-because-of-a-new-tattoo

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-tell-a-bridesmaid-shes-out-of-the-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c264a49a-0068-4adc-ac3e-4eefb82f8e49Post:fa9ebfa2-0c8b-4459-8828-a4b1eacef91d">Re: how to tell a bridesmaid she's out of the wedding party</a>:
[QUOTE]Think about why you came here. You asked us to help you find a nice way to tell your friend she's out of your wedding because of her tattoo.  You couldn't think of a way.  Perhaps there isn't one? Put yourself in your friend's position.  Wouldn't you be hurt?  I guarantee that she will.  <strong>Get her a shawl or a shrug.</strong>  Twenty years from now it willl be something for both of you to laugh over when you look through your wedding album.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Even then, do this ONLY if your church would insist on it.

cwaggoner07

According to your facebook profile (see: remove full name from sig), you have at least 2 tattoos of your own. How would you honestly feel if someone told you that you were no longer in her wedding party SOLELY because of those tattoos?

mcda04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-tell-a-bridesmaid-shes-out-of-the-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c264a49a-0068-4adc-ac3e-4eefb82f8e49Post:bc6133ec-b79b-47ce-a114-a1cb52491915">how to tell a bridesmaid she's out of the wedding party</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a bridesmaid that got a HUGE tattoo on her chest from armpit to armpit and from neck to top if her boobs. She had asked prior to getting it what i thought and i told her to please wait until after the wedding. She knew that my church is ultra strict and doesn't allow tattoos to be visible. I want all my bridesmaid to look all the same and no shrugs or wraps will cover her tattoo. I already picked out the dress and it's perfect. How do i tell her that she is no longer in the wedding... She's a good friend, but she hurt my feelings by not waiting. I can't have her plastered with makeup and i can't afford to have my pictures fixed. Besides, i don't particularly care for the tattoo either. HELP! I'm not sure how to tell her.
Posted by r&dbokan[/QUOTE]

You can't kick her out because she got a tattoo. One of my BM's has a huge tattoo on her back and the church didn't have a problem with it at all. she wasn't even asked to wear her shawl and we got married in a pretty strict church.

misssunshine17

I hope your friend ditches you as a friend when she finds out your pictures mean more to you than she does. 

jennylee813

Okay, so I've read both threads now and think this is the most ridiculous thing I've seen.

She's your friend, not your minion. If you're so concerned with having the tat visible, choose dresses that cover it up! It's not rocket science.

Also, as someone who was raised Catholic and who's mother was a nun - not an aunt, but my mom was a nun, so you have it on good authority that I'm familiar with the church - the Catholic church does not care about tattoos. You do.

Sounds like you're more concerned with having perfect clones marching down the aisle and a perfect Stepford photo album. No one should be expected to put their lives on hold just because you are getting married. Your wedding is one day. Only one. You cannot dictate what other people do with their lives because it will mess up your pictures.

itzMS

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-tell-a-bridesmaid-shes-out-of-the-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c264a49a-0068-4adc-ac3e-4eefb82f8e49Post:58f11000-fcda-4c2a-80c7-aed7924b8766">Re: how to tell a bridesmaid she's out of the wedding party</a>:
[QUOTE]According to your facebook profile (see: remove full name from sig), you have at least 2 tattoos of your own. How would you honestly feel if someone told you that you were no longer in her wedding party SOLELY because of those tattoos?
Posted by cwaggoner07[/QUOTE]

Hehe so true. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />

tonyadombrowski

I agree with everyone above! My BM has tons of tattoos that will def be visible in any dress, I knew this when I asked her to be my BM, I asked her because she is a great friend and person and her tattoos do not make her any different to me. I think you need to rethink why you guys are friends in the first plade and get back to that. If not be prepared to lose a friend like everyone else said!

[Deleted User]

I'm confused about a Catholic church that is ok with a dress that shows off a large portion of the chest but isn't ok with tattoos. I mean, I am by no means a religious expert, but I would think that having to be more covered in church is more common than not being able to have tattoos.

OP - There is no nice way to do this. If it matters this much to you, just be prepared to lose a friend. If any of my friends ever kicked me out of a wedding party for something like this, I would not want to be close with them anymore. Not to mention, she had no obligation to ask you about getting the tattoo. It was something she did out of courtesy, but she has every right to do whatever she wants with her body during your engagement, with or without your permission. If you have an issue with that, you are drawing a line in the sand. Don't try to sugar coat it - own up and be prepared for the consequences.

renegade gaucho

Just tell her that of course, you want her in the wedding party, it's just that Jesus thinks she's trashy and doesn't want her to ruin the pictures.

Ali092011

Yup, also found you on Facebook and know what town you live in and that you're voting for Barak Obama. Not the smartest way to keep creepers away.

I find it truly appalling that you would do this to a friend.

SJM7538

I'm sorry but you sound like a complete brat.

My sister in law asked me to cover up my tattoo for her and my brothers wedding and I was extremely hurt. Ultimately I didn't end up doing it because regular make up wouldn't cover it and the special stuff was just way too expensive for me at the time.

I urge you to really think about this. My sister in law and I are still extremely close but she certainly hurt my feelings and it took me a while to realize it wasn't personal she is just a very conservative person. However- she never would have kicked me out of the wedding party due to this.

Are you willing to lose a friendship over one day?? If she's good enough to be your friend with her tattoos outside of your wedding then why in the world is she not good enough to be in your wedding with her tattoos? 

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-tell-a-bridesmaid-shes-out-of-the-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c264a49a-0068-4adc-ac3e-4eefb82f8e49Post:7dc65765-73dd-48c3-9e98-1eba2d5b65f6">Re: how to tell a bridesmaid she's out of the wedding party</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, I have to ask - though not the OP. I'm not religious and don't belong to a church. Do churches really require you to have your WP cover their tats? Other than at the RD, when would the minister/priest/whatever even see them? That's just strange to me.
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

Half of my cousins would not have been allowed to marry in the Catholic church if this were true.

banana468

I've never seen someone asked to cover a tattoo in church.

My parish asked us to cover shoulders and to avoid low cut dresses.   My BMs wore linen shawls over their strapless dresses.

If they had a tattoo of a naked lady or something religiously offensive then I could see being asked to cover it.   Other than that, I think it would have to be a VERY conservative parish to care.

emeejeeayen

What's the tattoo of? I hope it says THUG LIFE with guns because that's dope. 

itzMS

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-tell-a-bridesmaid-shes-out-of-the-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c264a49a-0068-4adc-ac3e-4eefb82f8e49Post:3438b6fe-11b8-4120-be29-a4025ff1aab4">Re: how to tell a bridesmaid she's out of the wedding party</a>:
[QUOTE]I've never seen someone asked to cover a tattoo in church. My parish asked us to cover shoulders and to avoid low cut dresses.   My BMs wore linen shawls over their strapless dresses. If they had a tattoo of a naked lady or something religiously offensive then I could see being asked to cover it.   Other than that, I think it would have to be a VERY conservative parish to care.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

Exactly. I <em>chose </em>non-cleveage baring dresses for my BM & myself, but not because I was explicitly required to. One BM had a giant tattoo on her back...
DH & I are still married in the Catholic church and our pictures are not "ruined".

If the OP's priest is truly concerned, the bridesmaid could certainly wear a cardigan or wrap for the ceremony.</div>

QueerFemme

I have nothing to add, except that in my opinion, OP is a huge asshole and I hope the tattoo covered friend sees this post somehow, and tells OP to fluck off and take her dress and shove it.

bunni727

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-tell-a-bridesmaid-shes-out-of-the-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c264a49a-0068-4adc-ac3e-4eefb82f8e49Post:bc6133ec-b79b-47ce-a114-a1cb52491915">how to tell a bridesmaid she's out of the wedding party</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a bridesmaid that got a HUGE tattoo on her chest from armpit to armpit and from neck to top if her boobs. She had asked prior to getting it what i thought and i told her to please wait until after the wedding. She knew that my church is ultra strict and doesn't allow tattoos to be visible. I want all my bridesmaid to look all the same and no shrugs or wraps will cover her tattoo. I already picked out the dress and it's perfect. How do i tell her that she is no longer in the wedding... She's a good friend, but she hurt my feelings by not waiting. I can't have her plastered with makeup and i can't afford to have my pictures fixed. Besides, i don't particularly care for the tattoo either. HELP! I'm not sure how to tell her.
Posted by r&dbokan[/QUOTE]

If your church really is that strict, and that is the only issue you have, then a different dress or a shawl is the answer.

Because you say you can't have your pictures fixed, I'm not buying that the distaste for her tattoo is coming solely from your church. It sounds like you are using that as a cop-out, to hide the fact that you just don't like it.

Either way, you are choosing appearances over your friend. The only solution is to choose attire for all of the bridesmaids that would cover it (so she isn't singled out), or accept your friend for who she is and how she looks.   <a href="http://www.dessy.com/dresses/bridesmaid/2780/#.UJmU2mdOPnU" rel="nofollow">A dress like this would work well.</a>

bunni727

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-tell-a-bridesmaid-shes-out-of-the-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c264a49a-0068-4adc-ac3e-4eefb82f8e49Post:e3fd829a-df64-41c7-9c94-7dcdd29aae3e">Re: how to tell a bridesmaid she's out of the wedding party</a>:
[QUOTE]I have nothing to add, except that in my opinion, OP is a huge asshole and I hope the tattoo covered friend sees this post somehow, and tells OP to fluck off and take her dress and shove it.
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

Have to admit, this is what I was thinking. Few things make me as ragey and sad as these tattooed-friend bashing brides. I don't even have tattoos, but it breaks my heart for these friends.

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-tell-a-bridesmaid-shes-out-of-the-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c264a49a-0068-4adc-ac3e-4eefb82f8e49Post:ae2e124f-6202-4182-94e7-991923b6bebb">Re: how to tell a bridesmaid she's out of the wedding party</a>:
[QUOTE]I haven't read the whole thread, but if the church has a problem with tattoos or if it is inappropriate, try changing the dress (for them ALL - not just the tattooed BM) to something like this: <a href="http://www.bupop.com/bridesmaid-dresses/2321-a-line-taffeta-pleated-cummerbund-bodice-high-neck-rolled-collar-neckline-bridesmaids-dresses-kib234903.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.bupop.com/bridesmaid-dresses/2321-a-line-taffeta-pleated-cummerbund-bodice-high-neck-rolled-collar-neckline-bridesmaids-dresses-kib234903.html</a> Then you don't need cover ups. Problem solved. Just reimburse the BMs for any money spent on the other BM dresses if they've already bought them. I'd just say that I changed my mind about the dresses.
Posted by laurelrenee1[/QUOTE]
A lot of women with big boobs could not wear that dress.

beardownbchs

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-tell-a-bridesmaid-shes-out-of-the-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c264a49a-0068-4adc-ac3e-4eefb82f8e49Post:c436a044-5c7d-4a29-9b2f-8beac2bb4e7e">Re: how to tell a bridesmaid she's out of the wedding party</a>:
[QUOTE]Just tell her that of course, you want her in the wedding party, it's just that Jesus thinks she's trashy and doesn't want her to ruin the pictures.
Posted by renegade gaucho[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>LMAO! </div><div>
</div><div>OP - Since you don't seem to care about your friend or her feelings or anything and are totally set on kicking her out of the wedding, I'm going to leave the fact that this is completely inappropiate and wrong alone and answer your dumb question. </div><div>
</div><div>Tell her the truth. Say something along the lines of, "I'm a giant self-centered, controlling b!tch and your tattoo will ruin my otherwise perfect wedding. Pretty pictures are far more important to me than having you with me on my special day and for this reason I'm going to have take you out of the wedding". </div><div>
</div><div>P.S. - I was recently in my brother's wedding and his wife did not ask her best friend (who is a makeup artist) to be a BM because of her tattoos. She has a couple small ones here and there but nothing huge and noticable. My SIL told her the truth about why she was not a BM, but then asked this girl to do the makeup for the entire bridal party. The friend said she would, but then didn't show up the day of the wedding - on purpose. SIL lost her mind and it was not pretty. We ended up all doing our own makeup and in the pictures it looks like we're not wearing any at all. No big deal, and SIL didn't care. Just know that this WILL come back to bite you in your self-centered ass.</div>

Peledreamsofrain

Ahhaha! Ok that was epic and awesome!! I wish I had met your SILs friend, she's my hero for doing that.

icefog34

I agree with what everyone says, however, it was also rude of the BM to make the effort of asking what the bride though but going through with it anyway. That's just a slap in the face as much as what OP is suggesting. They're BOTH wrong.

heids84

this post is waaaaay after the original post, but i was reading peoples' comments and just had to add something. i'm shocked at how everyone decided to bash the OP! if one of her "best friends" asked her ahead of time about the tattoo, knew that it would be better for the bride if she just waited until after the wedding and then still decided to go forward with getting a HUGE tattoo, then to me SHE is the one that is completely rude. i mean, unless the wedding was a few years away, waiting to get the tattoo shouldn't have been that big of a deal. and, why would she ask about the tattoo unless she knew there'd be some sort of objections about it? she asked and then did it anyway, which is even worse than if she had just gotten the tattoo. 

and no, i'm not against tattoos, i have a small one on my wrist and i want another one. but, on someone's wedding day, it's THEIR day. it's not my day to flaunt how cool i am for having tattoos.

KatWAG

heids84 said:

this post is waaaaay after the original post, but i was reading peoples' comments and just had to add something. i'm shocked at how everyone decided to bash the OP! if one of her "best friends" asked her ahead of time about the tattoo, knew that it would be better for the bride if she just waited until after the wedding and then still decided to go forward with getting a HUGE tattoo, then to me SHE is the one that is completely rude. i mean, unless the wedding was a few years away, waiting to get the tattoo shouldn't have been that big of a deal. and, why would she ask about the tattoo unless she knew there'd be some sort of objections about it? she asked and then did it anyway, which is even worse than if she had just gotten the tattoo. 

and no, i'm not against tattoos, i have a small one on my wrist and i want another one. but, on someone's wedding day, it's THEIR day. it's not my day to flaunt how cool i am for having tattoos.

@heids84 No. You are wrong on so many fronts. Please never again say anything along the lines of "its their special day!" Its the BM body and her choice, the bride gets absolutely no say.

@knotporscha can we close this zombie thread?