Divorced ILs?

SteelHibiscus

FH's parents divorced 8 years ago. FFIL is still with the woman he left FMIL for, but they haven't married and I doubt they will.
Thing is, FH's mother is a little BSC and absolutely refuses to be around "that woman." FH doesn't want to invite FFIL's girlfriend, but a) they're a long-term social unit and b) FFIL and GF have treated me WAY better than FFMIL from the start since (unlike her) they're not crazy racists and (shocker) never once lost it over our mixed-race relationship.
What to do?

AddieL73

Your fiance should probably sit down with everyone and tell them they need to be civil to one another if they attend the wedding. You can't NOT invite the girlfriend. 

thurmanpowell

I say let your FI handle his own family. They've got tons od drama you don't want to get into. Let him do what he thinks is best.

thurmanpowell

Personally, though, If I were him and it were my family, going off of soley this info I would invite Dad and GF, but not mom.

jenferian

Ohhhh do I have experience in this arena :-)

My advice? FI needs to have a powow with Mom and tell her how incredibly important it is to have her there and to please take the focus off "that woman." It's selfish and unfair for FMIL to ask or expect you to disclude Dad's GF to attend, IMHO.

CMGr

Invite both  FFIL and his girlfriend.  Tell FMIL that you have invited the couple, and if she decides not to attend, then that is her choice.
We were pleased the Grandma decided to skip my daughter's wedding, also for racist reasons!

ashleyy00

In Response to Re: Divorced ILs?:

Ohhhh do I have experience in this arena :-) My advice? FI needs to have a powow with Mom and tell her how incredibly important it is to have her there and to please take the focus off "that woman." It's selfish and unfair for FMIL to ask or expect you to disclude Dad's GF to attend, IMHO.
Posted by jenferian

agree! I'm in a veryyy similar situation, and have already told my FI it's up to talk to his mom and tell her that it's selfish that she would put her own feelings above her sons and not be there for his day. He's also laying down an ultimatum: come and get along or you will be kicked out. 

LiLe422

In Response to Re: Divorced ILs?:

Ohhhh do I have experience in this arena :-) My advice? FI needs to have a powow with Mom and tell her how incredibly important it is to have her there and to please take the focus off "that woman." It's selfish and unfair for FMIL to ask or expect you to disclude Dad's GF to attend, IMHO.
Posted by jenferian

I agree.

Oh yeah, and if this cray-cray named NYU shows up in this post (which we all know she will) try not to take her advice seriously.  She will tell you dads GF is the devil and your mother has a right to act all BSC.

Peledreamsofrain

CMGr is spot on.  FMIL has given you the answer on a silver platter.  Invite everyone involved, and be very honest that you did so.

FMIL has made it clear that she won't attend if GF does.  Ok, so she won't and it's completely her decision.

NYUgirl100

So no one cares what FDH wants?  I think the B/G with the divorced parents get more say. 

Edie Bee

In Response to Re: Divorced ILs?:

So no one cares what FDH wants?  I think the B/G with the divorced parents get more say. 
Posted by NYUgirl100

It's kind of irrelevant.  The girlfriend must be invited since they are part of a social unit.

sydaries

I absoloutely love when a person goes BSC on the other woman when it was the husband's decision to leave, but I digress. Invite both and have FI speak to both mom, dad and dad's GF. He needs to tell his mom she will be welcome, but only if she acts appropriately, and if she can't, its best that she does not attend.

 Also, does mom acknowledge her BSC tendencies? Is there a "safety person" like an aunt or friend who can whisk her away if she starts to act up?

OwningAHome1981

I think everyone needs to be an adult and suck it up. We had an engagement party- both my FI's parents are divorced and remarried. There is no hard feeling anymore but they hadn't seen eachother since the divorce which was 24 years ago prior to the engagement party. Granted this is different b/c no one left the other one because of cheating (it just didn't work out), BUT my point is that both sets of parents came and were civil and it was fine. We could not have imagined not having them all there.

You from LI, as am I, so I assuming you are going to have a pretty big, traditional wedding. With a room of about 200 people or so, really, your FMIL doesn't need to say one word to the GF if she doesn't want to. It is a big place most likely. She will find someone else to hang out with and avoid the GF.

I think they need to put on their big people panties and suck it up b/c they are there for you and your FI.

NYUgirl100

Eddie, a spouse or fiance must be invited, or it would be a breach of etiquette. The rules are not as clear on GF/BF (other than in Knot World).  Some authorities look to whether they are living togethor, some how long-term.  The social unit rule, as intrepreted in Knot-World land, is an extreme position.  Especially if dad is not living with his GF, I think there are authorities that would support not having to invite the GF. 

LiLe422

In Response to Re: Divorced ILs?:

So no one cares what FDH wants?  I think the B/G with the divorced parents get more say. 
Posted by NYUgirl100

You would.  Don't you think its a moot point?  I mean, the GF must be invited.  She is, afterall, the SO of FFIL.

OwningAHome1981

In Response to Re: Divorced ILs?:

So no one cares what FDH wants?  I think the B/G with the divorced parents get more say. 
Posted by NYUgirl100

Why should they? It is just as much the bride's wedding as it is the groom's.

Edie Bee

In Response to Re: Divorced ILs?:

Edie, a spouse or fiance must be invited, or it would be a breach of etiquette. The rules are not as clear on GF/BF (other than in Knot World).  Some authorities look to whether they are living togethor, some how long-term.  The social unit rule, as intrepreted in Knot-World land, is an extreme position.  Especially if dad is not living with his GF, I think there are authorities that would support not having to invite the GF. 
Posted by NYUgirl100

Sorry, but you're wrong.  Couples must be invited together.

mcda04

You have to invite dad’s spouse. Your FI should talk to his mother and inform her that his dad’s gf will be in attendance. It’s then up to his mom to decide if having a grudge is worth missing her son’s wedding.

 

My parents are also divorced and I was afraid my mom would act inappropriately but she was fine, they all sat in the same table so they actually surprised me. (in a good way)

NYUgirl100

McD -- the dad does not have a spouse.  

Eddie -- you are wrong.  I went back a few months ago and cited chapter and verse from Emily Post, etc.  Not every BF/GF is an automatic invite.

sydaries

In Response to Re: Divorced ILs?:

Eddie, a spouse or fiance must be invited, or it would be a breach of etiquette. The rules are not as clear on GF/BF (other than in Knot World).  Some authorities look to whether they are living togethor, some how long-term.  The social unit rule, as intrepreted in Knot-World land, is an extreme position.  Especially if dad is not living with his GF, I think there are authorities that would support not having to invite the GF. 
Posted by NYUgirl100

There is a difference between a friend with benefits and a girlfriend. I think SO's should always be invited. I don't live with my boyfriend and we've been together for almost 6 years- I'm 22, he's 23. Right now we can't live together becase my mom needs me at home to help pay the mortgage for the house she, I and my autistic brother (my mother his legal guardian) live in while we're battling it out with my dad for buying out the house 15 years after the divorce was finalized. If someone were to question my seriousness with him I would be greatly offended- we did not get married yet because we are still young and are trying to save (I want a PPD damnit and I'm going to do it the right way!) and I have a lot of family ish right now that I need to make sure is ok. He understands how important my family is to me and for you to judge my relationship based on a set of hard and fast rules is wrong.

If a guest considers their SO their SO, like talks all about their SO, goes to holidays with them, attend parties together, are together often, then the host must also consider the SO a real SO. Even if they don't, if guest says "Hey you forgot to invite my SO" the host must accomodate. A person can't judge the seriousness of someone else's relationship, so you have to take their word for it.

ETA: etiquette changes and is updated as times change. Now, SO's are staying together longer if they even get married at all. The validity of a relationship can and should only be judged by those in the relationship.

Edie Bee

I don't know who this Eddie person is, but I'm not wrong.

I could see *maybe* not inviting a very new bf/gf (two weeks), but a long term bf/gf definitely needs to be invited.

OwningAHome1981

In Response to Re: Divorced ILs?:

In Response to Re: Divorced ILs? : There is a difference between a friend with benefits and a girlfriend. I think SO's should always be invited. I don't live with my boyfriend and we've been together for almost 6 years- I'm 22, he's 23. Right now we can't live together becase my mom needs me at home to help pay the mortgage for the house she, I and my autistic brother (my mother his legal guardian) live in while we're battling it out with my dad for buying out the house 15 years after the divorce was finalized. If someone were to question my seriousness with him I would be greatly offended- we did not get married yet because we are still young and are trying to save (I want a PPD damnit and I'm going to do it the right way!) and I have a lot of family ish right now that I need to make sure is ok. He understands how important my family is to me and for you to judge my relationship based on a set of hard and fast rules is wrong. If a guest considers their SO their SO, like talks all about their SO, goes to holidays with them, attend parties together, are together often, then the host must also consider the SO a real SO. Even if they don't, if guest says "Hey you forgot to invite my SO" the host must accomodated. A person can't judge the seriousness of someone else's relationship, so you have to take their word for it.
Posted by sydaries

I was invited to a wedding once without my FI. We had been dating 3 months at the time (been on and off for 13 years... this was after a break and we had gotten back together) but regardless I was not invited with him. The B&G didn't think we were in a serious enough relationship to warrant him being invited.

it's kinda funny actually b/c that couple is getting a divorce now. Karma is a b*tch ;)

NYUgirl100

As the Knot board rule of BFs and GFs MUST be invited, that is not what many etiquette authorities say -- Here is what Peggy Post, Emily Post and Jodi Smith say.

Peggy Post -- page 89 says spouses, fiances and live in partners.

Emily Post, page 573 says same thing

Jodi Smith, The Etiquette Book, page 133, says spouse and live -in


As to the board's insistence that any BF or GF must be included, that is a rule of some people here. Maybe their thinking is that their relationship was just as good as any live-in, so a BF or GF should be invited. That is not what Peggy Post, Emily Post (I realize not her, but whomever is editing that book now) or Smith are saying.

As to this GF being long-term, this GF is also fomer "other woman", so I think both those facts should be on the table.  

In any event, I think at best, this is not clear, and FDH should decide.

Edie Bee

This couple has been together for 8 years.  Your argument is invalid.  ALSO, they probably DO live together.  So doubly invalid.

thurmanpowell

As far as inviting SO's, does anyone know the rule for underage SOs?

My aunt added my underage cousin's boyfriend to the reply card, but luckily he couldn't come (go figure, they live out of state) so I didn't have to address it. But still, I wonder.

Edie Bee

And holy hera, how many etiquette books do you own?

OwningAHome1981

In Response to Re: Divorced ILs?:

As the Knot board rule of BFs and GFs MUST be invited, that is not what many etiquette authorities say -- Here is what Peggy Post, Emily Post and Jodi Smith say. Peggy Post -- page 89 says spouses, fiances and live in partners. Emily Post, page 573 says same thing Jodi Smith, The Etiquette Book, page 133, says spouse and live -in As to the board's insistence that any BF or GF must be included, that is a rule of some people here. Maybe their thinking is that their relationship was just as good as any live-in, so a BF or GF should be invited. That is not what Peggy Post, Emily Post (I realize not her, but whomever is editing that book now) or Smith are saying. As to this GF being long-term, this GF is also fomer "other woman", so I think both those facts should be on the table.   In any event, I think at best, this is not clear, and FDH should decide.
Posted by NYUgirl100

It doesn't matter if she is the other woman or his prostitute, if this is FI's father, he should be allowed to have a date.

Now, I'm not one to say everyone should get a date- BUT I think certain factors need to be considered ex: age of the person and closeness to the B&G. I don't really think my 16 year old cousin needs to be invited with a date nor do I think my 3rd cousin once removed from UT needs to be invited with a date. Any close adult relative should be invited with a date.

Edie Bee

Thurman, I personally would have let it slide, but I think a lot of people on here would say you don't have to for underage couples.

NYUgirl100

" Any close adult relative should be invited with a date".

This is your point of view, not general etiquette.  If OP wants to tll her FDH, even though this upsets your mom, I want to have Dad's GF there, thats fine.  But if she says this is standard etiquette, that is not what the books say.

OwningAHome1981

In Response to Re: Divorced ILs?:

Thurman, I personally would have let it slide, but I think a lot of people on here would say you don't have to for underage couples.
Posted by Edie Bee

Ya, we are not inviting dates for underage couples. Too freakin bad, this is not romper room.

thurmanpowell

In Response to Re: Divorced ILs?:

Thurman, I personally would have let it slide, but I think a lot of people on here would say you don't have to for underage couples.
Posted by Edie Bee

Good to know! I think I would have let it slide too, although I was weirded at by my Aunt transporting who I presume is a minor across state lines for a party!