Guest list--significant other issue

SnowWhite334

We've already put together the guest list for our September wedding and sent out save the dates. One of our friends who is invited (we're not doing generic +1s for anyone due to space/budget) recently started dating (as in, he's officially her boyfriend now) someone that my fiance is kind of friends with (they're all part of the same larger group of friends) and who I've met, but he was not someone we're close enough to that we were planning to invite him. The save the date was sent to the friend only, as she was single at the time (about 3 months ago). Also, to make it an even stickier issue on possible reasons to not invite this person, my fiance told me he thinks they're living together now. Our guest list is already larger than I really want it to be (it's a seating issue--more than X number of people, and we'll have to have tables on the dance floor to fit everyone at the reception), and while in the grand scheme of things inviting one more person isn't a huge difference, if we don't get the 20% no response people say to expect, we'll have too many guests.

My question is really one of etiquette--Do I need to invite this friend's boyfriend? Do I have a leg to stand on not to invite him? I have nothing against him personally, but I feel like every time I turn around someone else is being added to our list and it's gotten too big.

lyndausvi

You need to invite him.  It's not a good idea to lock someone into the single  label for your entire engagement.  Heck, DH and I met and were living together within a week.  

 That is why I always suggest people on paper add +ones to their list just for this type of thing.  When the invite time comes along you don't have to give them one if they are still single.

daveANDkristen

Yes, inviting him is the right thing to do.  If you have to put some tables on the dancefloor for dinner, so be it.  The tables could be moved a bit closer together after dinner to make room for the dancefloor.

Bubblegum5586

Woah I have never heard 20% declining... that seems very high! I have heard "10%" but as PP said you need to plan for 100% attendence, these are invited guests.

 

Also... you need to invite a SO (and if they are living together that seems like more of a reason to invite him not less!)

kipnus

If they are still together when you send out your invitations (6-8 weeks before your wedding), you should invite him. 

It sounds like you were given bad information when you started your planning, as you should always plan for 100% attendance. It's also a good idea to leave yourself a bit of wiggle room with your guest list for these sorts of situations, as you can't just assume that all of your single friends will stay that way until the wedding. 

Kate61487

Liatris2010 said:

Yes, you need to invite him.

Also,the 20% decline thing is a myth, you should always plan for 100% attendance. If you are already having budget/space constraints, it is time to start thinking about back up plans.

As per usual I agree with everything Lia said.

southernbelle0915

It's proper etiquette to invite him as her SO if they are still together when you mail invitations. 

Is your venue too small to accommodate everyone to whom you've sent STDs/plan to sent invitations? If so, you might want to get a bigger venue. I realize you might lose a deposit (sometimes you won't if they fill your date with another event), but you should have a space large enough to comfortably fit everyone. It might be a headache to try to figure out at this point, but you might avoid even bigger headaches if, down the road, your venue says "sorry, you've exceeded our capacity limit - we can't accommodate these extra tables/people" or the seating chart becomes a nightmare and there's nowhere to dance. Just something to consider. Hopefully you don't need to!

SnowWhite334

The 20% decline thing is what our reception site manager told us. For my own guest count, I have two tallys: everybody who's being invited, and the number of people I expect to actually come. There are some people (great aunts and uncles who live too far away, cousins who will be away at college, a coworker who doesn't travel, etc.) who I'm inviting more as a courtesy but who I know won't be able to make it. My count of people I expect to be able to come (not knowing if someone will have a conflict for an unknown reason and have to decline of course) has been pushed a little too far past the limit for no tables on the dance floor when I got pressured into inviting my mother's cousins after the initial guest list was set. So now each extra person (my 22-year-old cousin, who still lives at home, has a boyfriend of probably a year+ who practically lives with them, so I now feel obligated to invite him, too) pushes it even further.

But I appreciate the feedback. My general rule for SOs, if I had to have one, would have been long-term relationship/living together, but that applied to everyone we originally planned to invite (all couples were in long-term relationships and everyone else was single), so it wasn't an issue. Now SOs keep creeping up on me. 

Weezy56

The boyfriend needs to be invited.

lyndausvi

SnowWhite334 said:

The 20% decline thing is what our reception site manager told us. For my own guest count, I have two tallys: everybody who's being invited, and the number of people I expect to actually come. There are some people (great aunts and uncles who live too far away, cousins who will be away at college, a coworker who doesn't travel, etc.) who I'm inviting more as a courtesy but who I know won't be able to make it. My count of people I expect to be able to come (not knowing if someone will have a conflict for an unknown reason and have to decline of course) has been pushed a little too far past the limit for no tables on the dance floor when I got pressured into inviting my mother's cousins after the initial guest list was set. So now each extra person (my 22-year-old cousin, who still lives at home, has a boyfriend of probably a year+ who practically lives with them, so I now feel obligated to invite him, too) pushes it even further.

But I appreciate the feedback. My general rule for SOs, if I had to have one, would have been long-term relationship/living together, but that applied to everyone we originally planned to invite (all couples were in long-term relationships and everyone else was single), so it wasn't an issue. Now SOs keep creeping up on me. 

The problem with that plan is it only takes one day to go from single to married or living together.   It's ridiculous to expect all your singles to be still single months later.  That is why I always suggest adding a buffer just in case of these types of situations.    

Also it's yet another reason why STD are a bad idea for a lot of people.  Now you are stuck with inviting them, had you not sent out STD you could cut the list.

SnowWhite334

It's not a matter of whether the venue can accommodate everyone, so we don't need to change the site. The back-up plan is some tables will have to be set up on the dance floor (and can be moved a bit after dinner I think, but they'll still be partially on the floor). I was just hoping to avoid this if at all possible because it's not as desirable. Who wants to be stuck at a table that's on the dance floor? (Obviously friends/younger people would be seated there and not older guests, but still.) I guess if we have to do that, then we have to do that. But I'm just hoping for a few more declines than the ones I've already anticipated.

Maggie0829

Yes you should invite him.  Doing otherwise would be rude.

Also, you should plan and budget for 100% acceptance.  For your venue to tell you to expect a 20% decline rate makes them complete and utter idiots and greedy bastards.  We invited 135 people to our wedding and 130 guests RSVP'd yes.  Needless to say our decline rate was a lot smaller then 20%.

And what is going to happen to the tables on the dance floor once the party gets started.  Are the tables and chairs going to be removed meaning that you are just going to take away guests seats?  That would be an incredibly rude thing to do and if I were one of those guests losing my seat I would be pissed and leave.

Anastasia517

As the others have said, you have to invite any boyfriends or girlfriends.  The 20% thing is also crazy... I know somebody who was expecting a 15% decline rate and had exactly 2 people not come out of 130-ish invited guests.

dem068

Just think about how you would have felt if your FI didn't get a +1 and you were living together.  It is totally insulting.  We had to add 6 +1s that became relationships between when the STDs went out and the invites.  It is not ideal, but it is really wrong not to do that.  Also, we have only had a 4% decline rate so far (inviting 220, over 60% responses back so far).  I was expecting much more than that, but we planned (budget and space) for everyone to come, so nothing is impacted.  If people are willing to spend the time and money to come celebrate with you, you shouldn't insult them by not including the person who they are in a relationship with

QueerFemme

Yep. It's not your place to judge the seriousness of someone's relationship.  If they are a couple, they are social unit and should always be invited together. Regardless of age (your 22 year old cousin and her boyfriend) or perceived seriousness. 

 

phira

Save-the-dates aren't meant to be the same as your invitations. That is, there will probably be people we DON'T send them to, but then we end up inviting. So there's no rule that says, "If they didn't receive a save-the-date, they won't be receiving an invitation."

You should invite this boyfriend if the relationship is still going when you're sending out invitations.

You MIGHT have 20% of your guests decline. That number might be higher or lower, and it depends on a LOT of factors (your wedding date, guests' jobs and other commitments, guests' finances, how many guests are from out of town, etc). We're expecting that most of the people we invite will come because the majority of people we're inviting live within 60 minutes driving distance.

Not that this helps SO much since you've booked your venue, but the key is to make your guest list and then book a venue that will accomodate EVERYONE you invited. We even tallied in +1s in case our friends started relationships in the meantime.

Gypsy79

Just chiming in to agree. Yes, invite him.

cofkel

SnowWhite334 said:

The 20% decline thing is what our reception site manager told us. For my own guest count, I have two tallys: everybody who's being invited, and the number of people I expect to actually come. There are some people (great aunts and uncles who live too far away, cousins who will be away at college, a coworker who doesn't travel, etc.) who I'm inviting more as a courtesy but who I know won't be able to make it. My count of people I expect to be able to come (not knowing if someone will have a conflict for an unknown reason and have to decline of course) has been pushed a little too far past the limit for no tables on the dance floor when I got pressured into inviting my mother's cousins after the initial guest list was set. So now each extra person (my 22-year-old cousin, who still lives at home, has a boyfriend of probably a year+ who practically lives with them, so I now feel obligated to invite him, too) pushes it even further.

But I appreciate the feedback. My general rule for SOs, if I had to have one, would have been long-term relationship/living together, but that applied to everyone we originally planned to invite (all couples were in long-term relationships and everyone else was single), so it wasn't an issue. Now SOs keep creeping up on me. 

I wouldn't bet on those people not coming!! My venue held 260 even. I invited 260. My wedding is very soon and I have received ONE decline. ONE. There were 16 people I thought were absolute no's, my 85 year old great aunt who lives across the country, clearly a no right? Nope she is coming, my friend who was starting grad school who TOLD me she couldn't come, nope she is now coming. I would be super duper careful with that. My venue told me to count on a 10% decline, so far that is not the case, I am waiting on five more responses which have a total of 7 people listed on them, even if these people all say no I am not even at 250!

Kate61487

SnowWhite334 said:

The 20% decline thing is what our reception site manager told us. For my own guest count, I have two tallys: everybody who's being invited, and the number of people I expect to actually come. There are some people (great aunts and uncles who live too far away, cousins who will be away at college, a coworker who doesn't travel, etc.) who I'm inviting more as a courtesy but who I know won't be able to make it. My count of people I expect to be able to come (not knowing if someone will have a conflict for an unknown reason and have to decline of course) has been pushed a little too far past the limit for no tables on the dance floor when I got pressured into inviting my mother's cousins after the initial guest list was set. So now each extra person (my 22-year-old cousin, who still lives at home, has a boyfriend of probably a year+ who practically lives with them, so I now feel obligated to invite him, too) pushes it even further.

But I appreciate the feedback. My general rule for SOs, if I had to have one, would have been long-term relationship/living together, but that applied to everyone we originally planned to invite (all couples were in long-term relationships and everyone else was single), so it wasn't an issue. Now SOs keep creeping up on me. 

Yeah he has to be invited too. Anyone who considers themselves in a committed/exclusive relationship should be invited with their bf/gf or you risk seriously offending your friend/relative.  The cousins your mom is adding, however, don't have to be invited unless you've already sent a STD or verbally invited them.  You can always say "sorry mom, we looked at the venue capacity again and we can't fit them"

LAM524

If they are still together you really should invite him. Besides, whats one more chair on the dance floor.

SnowWhite334

Would you invite the boyfriend of a 16 year old who lives out of town (my cousin, who will be coming with her parents)?  There has to be a line somewhere.

And I'm not actually using the "20% decline rate."  That's just what I was told is the average.  As I said, I have my own numbers, and I'm only counting out people who have clearly indicated for one reason or another that they won't be there.  That being said, even if we have to put some tables along the edge of the dance floor (not ideal, but an option if needed), the venue will hold every person who is being sent an invitation.

QueerFemme

SnowWhite334 said:

Would you invite the boyfriend of a 16 year old who lives out of town (my cousin, who will be coming with her parents)?  There has to be a line somewhere.

And I'm not actually using the "20% decline rate."  That's just what I was told is the average.  As I said, I have my own numbers, and I'm only counting out people who have clearly indicated for one reason or another that they won't be there.  That being said, even if we have to put some tables along the edge of the dance floor (not ideal, but an option if needed), the venue will hold every person who is being sent an invitation.

the line is adults with significant others. 

SKPM

SnowWhite334 said:

Would you invite the boyfriend of a 16 year old who lives out of town (my cousin, who will be coming with her parents)?  There has to be a line somewhere.

And I'm not actually using the "20% decline rate."  That's just what I was told is the average.  As I said, I have my own numbers, and I'm only counting out people who have clearly indicated for one reason or another that they won't be there.  That being said, even if we have to put some tables along the edge of the dance floor (not ideal, but an option if needed), the venue will hold every person who is being sent an invitation.

IMO, "the line" is adults (ages 18 and up, and/or out of high school) get invited with significant others. Kids who are living at home and fully dependent do not.

The thing with the 20% decline rate is that even if it WERE some kind of statistically provable average, would still mean that 50% of brides would have less and 50% would have more on average. So you (general you, not just OP) still can't safely assume any given percentage will decline. As long as you are prepared (budget and capacity) to host 100% with any SOs, then any declines will be a bonus to your budget.

misshart00

I just wanted to say that you seem really annoyed with having to invite the 22 year old with her boyfriend. It seems like you don't want to because she couldn't possibly be in a serious relationship at 22 (if that's not how you meant it, I'm sorry). Several women around here were married at 22 including me, so that could very much be a serious relationship.

RebeccaB88

I just have to say I agree with the others, invite the boyfriend. Also make sure you have extra space for any other invitees who might be in the same situation.

Storm29

I'd like to second misshart's comment. We're from similar areas (sorry to be a creep! I saw the thread on chit chat about the May 19/20 tornados). Many, many, many people around here are married at 22. In a couple short weeks, I will be one of them. Many of my friends/classmates from high school and college/coworkers/etc. have done the same. It's not remotely uncommon... your cousin's relationship could be very serious indeed.

s-aries8990

OP, just remember, you and FI were just started dating at some point, were only a few months in at some point and had been together a year at some point. Think back to your relationship with him at that point in time, I'm sure you'd be pretty miffed if you were an adult, in college/working full time/doing your own thing and weren't allowed to bring him.

Any adults who consider themselves in a committed relationship should be invited with their SO (committed is defined by the couple, not by you).

artbyallie

NYUgirl100 said: In contrast to the Knot Board rule, most etiquette books (e.g., Miss Manners, Emily Post) do not say that every BF/GF of a guest must be invites, but rather only spouses, fiancés, and some would say live-in or long term companion.  You are not judging the relationship, but rather respecting the determination of the guest.   If both the guest and his/her partner agree, they can announce their engagement.  No ring is necessary.  If they do not choose to do so, the bride has every right to accept the guest's determination of his/her own relationship.  These are not old fashioned books, but books which have been updated to deal with gay, lesbian, live-ins etc.   Of course, one has to deal with fall out, but outside of Knot Board, many accept that not every GF/BF must be invited.  It doesn't matter what some etiquette books say; implying an adult's relationship isn't real enough for your standards is a surefire way to hurt and offend. And that is precisely what etiquette is intended to prevent.

ETA: What's up with my wonky formatting? Yuck.