Am I overreacting (serious vent)

smittojess88 · January 2012

Background:
my mom lives in a senior citizens building because she's on disability -- because she was an alcoholic. Why the government will pay people for being alcoholics is beyond me, but anyway our relationship is strained. She doesn't drive, doesn't work, and constantly makes comments to me about "how expensive my wedding is" and "how she could use that money" although I'm paying for everything 100% and my entire wedding and honeymoon is less than $10K. but that's awhole different story.

SO when I went dress shopping I took her and my maid of honor/best friend, the whole time my mom kept making comments about how fat I looked and then went outside to smoke every 5 minutes. So I decided to not get anything because I felt so terrible and went back a week later with just my best friend and picked out my dress.

I got a call wednesday my dress is in, and they want you to pick it up within a week - 10 days. The bridal store is PACKED on the weekends, and I work sunday-tuesday night so I called my mom and said hey let's go pick up my dress together Friday and pick out a veil. (because this is literally the ONLY day that would work)

So I call her this morning to go pick her up and she says she can't go because her husbands granddaughter whose 2 1/2 is there "and she's never here so I don't want to leave." (this granddaughter lives less than 20 minutes away, so she can see her at ANY time..) I told her we would be there and back in an hour, but she said no. So I got really upset, starting crying, talking about how it's my only wedding, my only wedding dress, she's my mom, I'm her daughter, etc and I really didn't want to go alone. she gets all upset starts yelling at me for "Making her feel bad" and claims that I'm being selfish. I tried to explain to her that a 2 1/2 year old would not remember this day, but her daughter would definitely remember her mom not going with her to pick up her wedding dress.

I literally have no one else to go with me, no other family that lives nearby, and my best friend works night shift so she's sleeping. I am literally going to pick up my dress alone, after crying all morning, and I'm not even excited about it.

Am I being selfish or is she being incredibly rude?
thanks for letting me vent, it actually does make me feel slightly better.
I am just so tired of having these issues with my mom, and I just feel like it's only going to get worse as the wedding gets closer.

midgetthemighty · January 2012

1. Kudos to you for keeping it under that and paying for it all yourself.
2. I don't blame you at all for going without your mom after she said those things to you. Completely uncalled for on her part.
3. If I didn't have plans with other people tonight, I would go with you since I just noticed again that your location is Cincy. I'm not kidding.

Where did you get your dress?, feel free to PM if you don't feel comfortable putting it out there for all the world to see. The people where I got my dress were just as excited as anyone in my real life to see my dress on and help pick out other items.

I would exhaust all possibilities of people that could go with you before saying no one could. Try everyone you know who's invited to the wedding and close!

smittojess88 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_am-overreacting-serious-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:db1fb156-ad93-4ca6-a5bc-82fc80bf73d5Post:d9b76124-cdfb-4be2-8451-6664a5ce0416">Re: Am I overreacting (serious vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]1. Kudos to you for keeping it under that and paying for it all yourself. 2. I don't blame you at all for going without your mom after she said those things to you. Completely uncalled for on her part. 3. If I didn't have plans with other people tonight, I would go with you since I just noticed again that your location is Cincy. I'm not kidding. Where did you get your dress?, feel free to PM if you don't feel comfortable putting it out there for all the world to see. The people where I got my dress were just as excited as anyone in my real life to see my dress on and help pick out other items. I would exhaust all possibilities of people that could go with you before saying no one could. Try everyone you know who's invited to the wedding and close!
Posted by midgetthemighty[/QUOTE]

thanks for your reply, you're super super sweet to offer :) I got my dress at bridal and formal and they have been very nice, so I am going to ask a few more friends but if I have to go alone -- I go alone. I am sure they would be more than happy to help me pick something out, I just need to stop expecting my mom to change.

midgetthemighty · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_am-overreacting-serious-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:db1fb156-ad93-4ca6-a5bc-82fc80bf73d5Post:cbde877b-9810-48f5-b419-78e38e03a925">Re: Am I overreacting (serious vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I overreacting (serious vent) : thanks for your reply, you're super super sweet to offer :) I got my dress at bridal and formal and they have been very nice, so I am going to ask a few more friends but if I have to go alone -- I go alone. I am sure they would be more than happy to help me pick something out, I just need to stop expecting my mom to change.
Posted by smittojess88[/QUOTE]

That's hard to do, but I wish you the best of luck. You'll be so overjoyed that you have your dress, you won't be able to stop looking at it anyway! No one else will exist.

Shanee18 · January 2012

Awww Jess, you are so sweet!

OP, I don't think you are overreacting at all. A wedding is a big day in a girl's life. We have all dreamt of this moment, and all of those little steps in planning that it takes to get to the actual day are just as important and memorable. All I can say is that I am sorry you are having to deal with this. You are obviously a strong person, and I sincerely hope that you can find a friend to help you pick up your dress today.

chelseakopperud · January 2012

I am so sorry she is acting like this.

Zimsgirl26 · January 2012

I'm so sorry this is happening. Hugs!

sleblanc72 · January 2012

I would like to ditto everything Midge and Shan have said. I give you many kudos for putting up with everything you have and sincerely hope that in the end everything works out for you.

smittojess88 · January 2012

thanks so much ladies, I usually don't lay my personal life on the line in detail but this week my FMIL was diagnosed with breast cancer (that was me on the facebook group) so I'm just stretched and then some emotionally.

Kfudge0714 · January 2012

to answer your question, NO YOU ARE NOT OVERREACTING! you have every right be upset about that!

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_am-overreacting-serious-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:db1fb156-ad93-4ca6-a5bc-82fc80bf73d5Post:0f56bcd8-8c6b-4568-92c8-e9629fecfec1">Am I overreacting (serious vent)</a>:
[QUOTE] I tried to explain to her that a 2 1/2 year old would not remember this day, but her daughter would definitely remember her mom not going with her to pick up her wedding dress. Posted by smittojess88[/QUOTE]

This statement that you made is so true! too bad your mom didn't realize how important this day is to you! *HUGS*

kelsey+brandon · January 2012

I definitely don't think you're overreacting. I'm so sorry your mom is being like this!! She is being so selfish. You just asked for something that any mother should dream of being able to do with her daughter. If I lived near you, I would come with you too and we could have a TK outing!

On the bright side...at least she won't be there to say negative things about you in your dress. I'm sure you look gorgeous in it (and so skinny!)!.

diamondx423 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_am-overreacting-serious-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:db1fb156-ad93-4ca6-a5bc-82fc80bf73d5Post:5d7c0a46-138d-4899-9a9a-919d63dddaef">Re: Am I overreacting (serious vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]thanks so much ladies, I usually don't lay my personal life on the line in detail but this week my FMIL was diagnosed with breast cancer (that was me on the facebook group) so I'm just stretched and then some emotionally.
Posted by smittojess88[/QUOTE]

Ugh, too much stress for one week for sure. Hugs!

chelseamb11 · January 2012

You are not overreacting. But just keep reminding yousrelf that it's her alcoholism talking, not her. I'm so so sorry you're going through this.

melfacto · January 2012

I am so sorry you have to put up with all of your mothers drama, kudos to you to being a young strong independent woman!

PP are right you will be SO happy when you put your dress on nothing will matter! PLEASE please take pics, we would LOVE to share in your experience!

SheilaDancer43 · January 2012

Wow, that really sucks how she is acting! I'm so sorry! You're definitely not overreacting! This is an important day, and you want your mom to be there for/with you, and that is totally normal! She must not see it that way, I'm so sorry! I would be totally hurt by this! Hope your day gets better!

DrPB2b13 · January 2012

Hugs for you! I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this; what your mother said was definitely uncalled for. Unless she was home alone with the child and there was nobody to watch her for the time she was gone, that was unnecessary.

I really hope you find someone to go with you. I'm sure the consultants will be more than helpful if you do go alone, though; mine was also super excited for me. I know it's not easy (believe me, I've been in similar situations with my own mother) but try to let yourself relax and enjoy yourself and your dress. You deserve it!

I wish sometimes that this was a local board so we could get together to support each other for things like this...

LoveYouB · January 2012

Wow, All I can say is I feel so bad for you... No one should have to go through that and you are defnitely NOT overreacting. Your wedding day is about you and you soon to be husband. I know that it makes it a lot better when you have a lot of supporting family and friends to go through everything with but I would just try to keep focusing on how it's all about you and FI and he is always there for you-just not when it comes to seeing the dress before the wedding.

Shanee18 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_am-overreacting-serious-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:db1fb156-ad93-4ca6-a5bc-82fc80bf73d5Post:28e26b58-a636-4250-ba9a-8c6912f6c35d">Re: Am I overreacting (serious vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]Hugs for you! I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this; what your mother said was definitely uncalled for. Unless she was home alone with the child and there was nobody to watch her for the time she was gone, that was unnecessary. I really hope you find someone to go with you. I'm sure the consultants will be more than helpful if you do go alone, though; mine was also super excited for me. I know it's not easy (believe me, I've been in similar situations with my own mother) but try to let yourself relax and enjoy yourself and your dress. You deserve it! I wish sometimes that this was a local board so we could get together to support each other for things like this...
Posted by DrPB2b13[/QUOTE]

Agree completely!

L&J2012 · January 2012

I'm so sorry you're going through this, you're definitely not overreacting! I, too, would have been heartbroken if my mom had said stuff like that to me.

If I lived near you I'd totally come, too! But I don't, so I hope you do find someone to go! Do any of your bridesmaids live nearby or any of your FI's groomsmen who you're close with and wouldn't mind (I know that's asking a lot of most men, haha!)? Anyone you're close to at work who's going to the wedding?

If you don't find someone, like PPs said your consultant should be excited for you and should be very helpful

Jessica632011 · January 2012

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this and no I don't think you are over reacting at all. But I want to let you know I feel your pain. I feel like we might have the same mother because everything you said about your mother is my mother. All of the same exact issues. Except for my mother still has the issues with alcohol and drugs so she is not involved in the wedding at all and she will not be invited either! I had to give up my relationahip with her a couple years ago because she was sucking the life out of me and after 20 years of it I couldn't do it anymore. I wish I could come with you to pick up your dress and pick out veil but I'm too far away from you

I just want to let you know if you ever need to talk please pm me or Facebook me. I understand it's very hard to talk to people about it and makes it easier when you find someone who can relate to your situation! Good luck and I hope you find your veil!

littleluckypenny · January 2012

I'm sorry too. I hope things get better. At least you have us Knot girls to vent your frustrations.

kimiandgary · January 2012

I am so sorry this is all happening to you. You are a strong woman and hopefully you can find someone to go with you- if not, I pray the women at the store can step up for you.

MMRoberts11 · January 2012

I agree that you are not overreacting at all. I would have done the same exact thing.

I'm sorry you have to go through all that. It sounds like our moms must be related.

Also, if Cincinnati wasn't like 4 hours away I'd go with you.

I also agree with Abbe, I wish this was a local board so we could all meet up.

CvilleClaire · January 2012

I'm not going to let you wallow in this.

Your mom sucks. You know this. Many women think that wedding planning will bring them closer to their mothers. For some, it does that. For many, it doesn't. It's okay to grieve over shattered expectations, but eventually, you will pick yourself up, realize that you were expecting more out of your mother than you know she has the capacity to give, and you will drive yourself to that shop and pick up your dress like a mature, independent woman.

We've grown up with powerful expectations about what planning our weddings will be like. Your wedding won't be like that, but few people's are. The little girl in you wanted your mom at that shop, but the adult in you doesn't need her there.

Psst...based on comparing stories with brides who shopped at the same salons that I did, I got better service when I was alone than other girls did when shopping with their mothers. When you shop with your mom, I think some assume that you aren't the true client.

bandjwedding2012 · January 2012

I am so sorry. I can totally related most of your story, only my mom isn't in a assisted living. We went dress shopping a few times and it was hell. She spent more time outside smoking and wondering where the bar was. At one bridal place she found the sales woman pointed at me asked ask, do you have anything that will come close to fitting her. I wear a 14/16 it's not like I wear a tarp or something. I almost came unglued, she couldn't figure out why I wasn't in the mood to try things on after that. When I got that call about my dress I got my mom to come. When I came out of the room she wasn't there, she was outside smoking.
Let me tell you the lovely lady at DB's made me feel amazing. She helped pick out different veil styles had me trying on shoes, played with my hair a little. When my mom came in and asked if the dress was to tight, the sales woman apologized and said she must be seeing things because the dress was actually to big (It honestly was we had to pin it a little to make it work just right, I had lost a little weight at that point). You'd be surprised what kind of treatment you get at a bridal place when they realize your mom is an a$$.
I agree with everyone wish I was there to go with you. I bet you look gorgeous in that dress.

faudiah · January 2012

Sorry this is happening to you. Your mother is obviously too self-centered to realize how her behavior is negatively effecting you. It's very hard to change people; the one thing you can change is how you react to them. She sounds very toxic- I know you want to include her and that's very commendable, but I think with all the other stress you are under, it's probably best if you limit your contact and requests so she doesn't let you down.

kaitlyn142 · January 2012

My mom would go with you!

She's in Columbus.

smittojess88 · January 2012

you ladies really are amazing, and have made my day. I want to quote every single one of you and say thanks thanks thanks cause I am definitely feeling the love. It's also nice to know there are other people dealing with issues simliar to mine (not nice as in I'm glad, but good to know I'm not alone). I picked my dress up, and tried it on alone and I have to admit it didn't matter that I was the only one there because it felt amazing to finally have it. The bust is a little big so I really couldn't get a picture without self exposure haha but I decided to just keep the veil I already ordered online because I"m in love with the dress so much I don't need a fancy veil. Thank you so much again, this really made my day.

smittojess88 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_am-overreacting-serious-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:db1fb156-ad93-4ca6-a5bc-82fc80bf73d5Post:02b86210-c257-4ddb-983d-4bcde05f08ae">Re: Am I overreacting (serious vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]I am so sorry that you are dealing with this and no I don't think you are over reacting at all. But I want to let you know I feel your pain. I feel like we might have the same mother because everything you said about your mother is my mother. All of the same exact issues. Except for my mother still has the issues with alcohol and drugs so she is not involved in the wedding at all and she will not be invited either! I had to give up my relationahip with her a couple years ago because she was sucking the life out of me and after 20 years of it I couldn't do it anymore. I wish I could come with you to pick up your dress and pick out veil but I'm too far away from you :( I just want to let you know if you ever need to talk please pm me or Facebook me. I understand it's very hard to talk to people about it and makes it easier when you find someone who can relate to your situation! Good luck and I hope you find your veil!
Posted by Jessica632011[/QUOTE]

I'll definitely look you up on the facebook group because I do have a couple questions for you :) Just might take me a few days

smittojess88 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_am-overreacting-serious-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:db1fb156-ad93-4ca6-a5bc-82fc80bf73d5Post:bb2eed65-ac55-4857-902c-84287e6630a2">Re: Am I overreacting (serious vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not going to let you wallow in this. Your mom sucks. You know this. Many women think that wedding planning will bring them closer to their mothers. For some, it does that. For many, it doesn't. It's okay to grieve over shattered expectations, but eventually, you will pick yourself up, realize that you were expecting more out of your mother than you know she has the capacity to give, and you will drive yourself to that shop and pick up your dress like a mature, independent woman. We've grown up with powerful expectations about what planning our weddings will be like. Your wedding won't be like that, but few people's are. The little girl in you wanted your mom at that shop, but the adult in you doesn't need her there. Psst...based on comparing stories with brides who shopped at the same salons that I did, I got better service when I was alone than other girls did when shopping with their mothers. When you shop with your mom, I think some assume that you aren't the true client.
Posted by CvilleClaire[/QUOTE]

I am writing this down and reading it to myself the next time she upsets me :) This was amazing and really gave me a swift kick in the ass!

MissyB1313 · January 2012

I'm so sorry you going through all of it! I can kind of relate, my parents are in the "high functioning" category though. You just need to know that you're strong, independent and have your own life. It sucks, it hurts, and you might need a good cry. I picked up my dress by myself, and was going to have to go to my first fitting alone too... But my "work mama" stepped up and said she'd come take pictures. Is there any other "motherly" figures that can step in?

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