Getting married before the wedding...

Mushymilkfor2 · April 2012

My fiance and I have talked about getting married before the actual wedding. We feel that we would both enjoy our wedding and celebrations if we didn't have to worry so much about the marriage. We also feel that the marriage is for us, and the wedding is for our family and friends.

This is something we talked about doing in private, but decided against that as it can eventually get out and lead to bad feelings towards the both of us from both sides. While he was talking with his mother a couple of weeks ago, telling her our feelings towards the wedding she suggested we do just that.

But, now I'm having second thoughts. Even if we get support from both sides (we plan to keep it between parents, and maybe the grandparents if needed) would this be a good idea? I'm not sure, I need some outside opinion, unbiased opinions.

LeiselEB · April 2012

I'm not sure what you mean about having to worry about the marriage. The reception is a celebration of your marriage. You shouldn't be worried about the marriage at the reception - you should be happy and celebrating with your loved ones.

Why not have a private ceremony then go to the reception with all your friends and family after you're married that same day? Keeping it all on the same day is fine - doing it weeks after is misleading to your guests.

pgcp · April 2012

You seem to be having trouble understand some important words here. Marriage is relationship that occurs after a wedding. A wedding is a ceremony during which two people are married. You can't be married before the wedding.

What you are wanting to do is get married and then have a PPD (pretty princess day). It really isn't a good thing to do, especially if you aren't honest with everyone able what you are doing.

Some think it is ok to have a small wedding and then a vow renewal later if everyone is being honest about what is going on. I personally think VR are silly unless there is a really good reason, such as a couple going through a really difficult time in their marriage and needing to recommit themselves to one another, or after 50 years.

Just have one wedding day. If you feel the need to have that personal time of commitment with out the watchful eyes of your guests, you could save personal statements of love and promises and share them with one another in private after the wedding. My husband and I did that on our honeymoon. It was really pretty special.

Kristin789 · April 2012

Schedule a meeting with your officiant and get re-focused on what this is about. Then plan just ONE wedding so you get married ONCE, supported by the people who love you and who, by coming, are witnesses to your wedding and can be your support when things go from good to not-so-good.

If you have a secret marriage ceremony a month or so before your fancy re-enactment, people will find out...............they always do..............and you'll have to deal with hurt feelings and you'll have to explain why you "lied" - all on your re-enactment day.

AdeleDazeem · April 2012

Just for some perspective: My husband's friend is getting married in a destination wedding. His friend told me the other night that they are having a private ceremony in the US before we all spend $1000s of dollars to travel to what actually is their "vow renewal" but being called their "wedding." I'm pissed.

travistanya · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_getting-married-before-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:791bbcd7-30c1-4f5d-a71b-63e4d531fb94Post:6c3d6b21-fc20-4f9a-bc6a-eef98fe338e0">Re: Getting married before the wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]Just for some perspective: My husband's friend is getting married in a destination wedding. His friend told me the other night that they are having a private ceremony in the US before we all spend $1000s of dollars to travel to what actually is their "vow renewal" but being called their "wedding." I'm pissed.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

Some people I know did this but I believe due to the laws of the place they were going, they had to. I'm not sure because I'm not friends with them but my soon-to-be step daughters were in the one held here.

My grandparents lied about their wedding date because they wanted their children to believe that they were married before my mom was born (old Catholic family). Imagine everyone's surprise when they were celebrating their 25th anniversary that was actually their 24th. It didn't go over well with their kids when they found out the truth from some aunts and uncles. Just saying.

calliopeia2013 · April 2012

I would not attend any ceremony that was not the couple's actual wedding, because as far as I'm concerned, that doesn't have any real meaning. I would attend a post-wedding celebration after a wedding IF the couple acknowledged that it was a celebratory party and not a wedding reception, and IF there was a good reason why I wasn't invited to the actual wedding (e.g. it was a very small or destination wedding).

I would find someone inviting me to a "wedding" ceremony when they were actually already married and lying about it pretty unforgivable. So, no, not a good idea. A really, really bad one. I would probably not choose to continue a relationship with a couple that did that.

Please remember:

Wedding=the ceremony at which a couple says their vows and becomes legally married

Reception= a party immediately following a wedding to host guests who were invited to the wedding

You're right to say that a marriage is for you and a wedding is for your family and friends. I actually completely agree with you on that. But your only wedding is the ceremony at which you actually get married- you cannot have a "wedding" after you're already married- that's not the definition of what a wedding is. It's not meaningful to your guests to witness a fake ceremony in which you pretend to get married.

AdeleDazeem · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_getting-married-before-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:791bbcd7-30c1-4f5d-a71b-63e4d531fb94Post:24e0cf3b-4ded-4d66-87d5-7adfa7014550">Re: Getting married before the wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting married before the wedding... : Some people I know did this but I believe due to the laws of the place they were going, they had to. I'm not sure because I'm not friends with them but my soon-to-be step daughters were in the one held here.
Posted by travistanya[/QUOTE]

We also had a destination wedding. We purposefully chose a place where we could legally marry so we didn't do this to our guests.

They have a reason that's slightly different than that and while I understand it, I still think the whole thing is a farce. I'll enjoy my vacation but don't think I won't be side-eyeing the non-event.

I just don't understand how you can wake up the day of your "not-a-wedding," put on your bridal gown and go about your day as if you aren't married? I would feel like a fraud. We had an AHR after our destination wedding where I put my wedding dress on for about an hour. I had to take it off - I felt silly in it because it wasn't, ya know, my wedding day.

MyNameIsNot · April 2012

The "actual wedding" is the event where you get married.

If you are so worried about the marriage that you don't think you'd be able to enjoy a wedding, you probably need to reconsider the whole thing. Marriage is work and isn't always a blast, but you should go into it happy and excited about getting married.

redheadfsu · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_getting-married-before-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:791bbcd7-30c1-4f5d-a71b-63e4d531fb94Post:24e0cf3b-4ded-4d66-87d5-7adfa7014550">Re: Getting married before the wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting married before the wedding... :<strong> </strong>Some people I know did this but I believe due to the laws of the place they were going,<strong> they had to</strong>. I'm not sure because I'm not friends with them but my soon-to-be step daughters were in the one held here. My grandparents lied about their wedding date because they wanted their children to believe that they were married before my mom was born (old Catholic family). Imagine everyone's surprise when they were celebrating their 25th anniversary that was actually their 24th. It didn't go over well with their kids when they found out the truth from some aunts and uncles. Just saying.
Posted by travistanya[/QUOTE]

They didn't "have to." They could have followed the law of the country they wanted to get married in. Usually there is a residence requirement (few days to a few months) and maybe a blood test or other requirements. They choose to be lazy and not follow the law of the country. Plus, they could have picked a location that had easier laws.

GoodLuckBear14 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_getting-married-before-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:791bbcd7-30c1-4f5d-a71b-63e4d531fb94Post:cab5857b-e739-4fa4-8d37-a276d644a43e">Getting married before the wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I have talked about getting married before the actual wedding. We feel that we would both enjoy our wedding and celebrations if we didn't have to worry so much about the marriage. We also feel that the marriage is for us, and the wedding is for our family and friends. This is something we talked about doing in private, but decided against that as it can eventually get out and lead to bad feelings towards the both of us from both sides. While he was talking with his mother a couple of weeks ago, telling her our feelings towards the wedding she suggested we do just that. But, now I'm having second thoughts. Even if we get support from both sides (we plan to keep it between parents, and maybe the grandparents if needed) would this be a good idea? I'm not sure, I need some outside opinion, unbiased opinions.
Posted by Mushymilkfor2[/QUOTE]

There's no such day. Your wedding day is the day you get married.

HobokensFury · April 2012

You can't have a wedding after you're already married. That's lying to your guests. PP gave you good advice.

jemmini6 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_getting-married-before-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:791bbcd7-30c1-4f5d-a71b-63e4d531fb94Post:cab5857b-e739-4fa4-8d37-a276d644a43e">Getting married before the wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I have talked about getting married before the actual wedding. <strong>We feel that we would both enjoy our wedding and celebrations if we didn't have to worry so much about the marriage. </strong>We also feel that the marriage is for us, and the wedding is for our family and friends. This is something we talked about doing in private, but decided against that as it can eventually get out and lead to bad feelings towards the both of us from both sides. While he was talking with his mother a couple of weeks ago, telling her our feelings towards the wedding she suggested we do just that. But, now I'm having second thoughts. Even if we get support from both sides (we plan to keep it between parents, and maybe the grandparents if needed) would this be a good idea? I'm not sure, I need some outside opinion, unbiased opinions.
Posted by Mushymilkfor2[/QUOTE]

I think you are seriously confused as to what actually happens during a wedding, so let me break it down:

You'll go down to the courthouse together before the wedding to apply for your marriage license. Then you'll hold on to it until the wedding day. The wedding happens exactly how you have planned (you put on a dress, walk the aisle, say your vows, kiss, and ta da! Husband and Wife). Then, depending on your state requirements, you and your brand new H will sign the marriage license, along with your officiant and witnesses (or any combination of those that the state requires), and BAM, you are legally married. Signing the license takes less than 5 minutes, so I'm not sure what you are 'worried' about. Then you go on to the reception and celebrate your marriage with your friends and family.

Getting married at the courthouse is the EXACT SAME THING, just without all the pomp and circumstance and fancy clothes. So really, instead of making it simple and just doing it ONCE, you are causing way more stress by trying to go through the whole thing twice, for not a single damn good reason. It's stupid and unnecessary.

renegade gaucho · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_getting-married-before-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:791bbcd7-30c1-4f5d-a71b-63e4d531fb94Post:cab5857b-e739-4fa4-8d37-a276d644a43e">Getting married before the wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I have talked about getting married before the actual wedding. We feel that we would both enjoy our wedding and celebrations if we didn't have to worry so much about the marriage. We also feel that the marriage is for us, and the wedding is for our family and friends.
Posted by Mushymilkfor2[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry, I just can't stop laughing at this! This is a bunch of navelgazing nonsense that completely defies the bounds of logic. If not signing a piece of paper ahead of time is going to cause you so much stress that you won't be able to enjoy a large party thrown in your honor and threaten your marriage, you should probably rethink marriage altogether. Millions of people manage to have wedding ceremonies every day- I'm really not sure why this would be uniquely hard for you.

If your marriage is just for the two of you, does that mean you don't want people to recognize you as a married couple after the wedding? Why would you even bother inviting people to the wedding in the first place? Do you not realize that the purpose of the big wedding for family and friends is so they can witness the start of your marriage? If your marriage is only about the two of you, I guess you don't need a big party to celebrate it others.

Mushymilkfor2 · April 2012

In Response to Re:Getting married before the wedding...:[QUOTE]We feel that we would both enjoy our wedding and celebrations if we didn't have to worry so much about the marriage.This is the funniest thing I've read about marriage in a while. "I want to enjoy the party! I don't want to worry about the whole marriage part of it."But seriously, OP ... there is nothing to "worry" about regarding getting legally married. You pick up your license some time before your ceremony. And after your ceremony, you sign it. No problems at all. Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]

I think that came out wrong, I meant it would be less stressful the day of. Not really having to worry about all the little things. It was just one of the points we talked about.

I get what everyone is saying, and it all makes sense. And I don't want to do a wedding just to look like a pretty princess for a day, I do want to share our new marriage with my family and friends, but the pressures to do it this way or that way are making me feel like its not for us anymore. His family is orthodox and paying for the wedding, so the where and how we have our ceremony and reception is completely out of our hands.

I would like to keep the support from his side of the family, not just financially but in the long run and we both feel we would lose some of it if we did do anything other than what they know.

It's not so much that we want anyone to feel lied to, or deceived, we want us to be happy and please the rest as well.
And like I said, I am having seconds thoughts, doubting it as being a good idea vs bad. And at this point I am leaning mostly toward bad, I just needed like I sad unbiased opinions. And I do appreciate all the input.

redheadfsu · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_getting-married-before-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:791bbcd7-30c1-4f5d-a71b-63e4d531fb94Post:2c2d88a9-484f-42b0-a272-d7c8fc6218f8">Re:Getting married before the wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Getting married before the wedding...: I think that came out wrong, I meant it would be less stressful the day of. Not really having to worry about all the little things. It was just one of the points we talked about. I get what everyone is saying, and it all makes sense. And I don't want to do a wedding just to look like a pretty princess for a day, I do want to share our new marriage with my family and friends, but the pressures to do it this way or that way are making me feel like its not for us anymore. His family is orthodox and paying for the wedding, so the where and how we have our ceremony and reception is completely out of our hands. I would like to keep the support from his side of the family, not just financially but in the long run and we both feel we would lose some of it if we did do anything other than what they know. It's not so much that we want anyone to feel lied to, or deceived, we want us to be happy and please the rest as well. And like I said, I am having seconds thoughts, doubting it as being a good idea vs bad. And at this point I am leaning mostly toward bad, I just needed like I sad unbiased opinions. And I do appreciate all the input.
Posted by Mushymilkfor2[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry the wedding you have planned is not what you want. It stinks, but you let them pay.

However, if you have the private wedding before the do-over party it is demeaning the institution of marriage. Plus, won't his parents be mad if they are orthodox? The guests think you are getting married in front of them, but you are not. Do you want to start your marriage out on a lie?

Also, is your marriage in the Church? If so your priest might not allow you to do this. He might cancel the fake ceremony when he realizes you are already married.

renegade gaucho · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_getting-married-before-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:791bbcd7-30c1-4f5d-a71b-63e4d531fb94Post:2c2d88a9-484f-42b0-a272-d7c8fc6218f8">Re:Getting married before the wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE] I would like to keep the support from his side of the family, not just financially but in the long run and we both feel we would lose some of it if we did do anything other than what they know.
Posted by Mushymilkfor2[/QUOTE]

Okay then, I hope you're prepared for an adult life in which you never get to make your own decisions because not upsetting his family is your first priority.

It sounds like the real problem here is that you're stressed out from all the pressure they are putting on you to do things their way. Signing your marriage license before the big dog and pony show isn't going to change that, and it sounds like you're fixating on that to avoid addressing the real problem.

HobokensFury · April 2012

Simple solution- pay for your own wedding and do what you want.

[Deleted User] · April 2012

I am so confused. Lol. You would enjoy the wedding & celebrations if you didn't have to worry about the marriage??? What??? Shouldn't your MARRIAGE be your primary concern, not partying?? After the wedding & reception are over, you are left with a marriage. If you don't want to worry about marriage, why are you getting married??

jemmini6 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_getting-married-before-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:791bbcd7-30c1-4f5d-a71b-63e4d531fb94Post:cbb5a408-2acf-4acc-b23e-a3e1b52e43fc">Re: Getting married before the wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]Simple solution- pay for your own wedding and do what you want.
Posted by HobokenBride2012[/QUOTE]

This. You can't live your life trying to please others, and getting married before the wedding that you don't want isn't going to solve that problem (in fact, it will likely make it much worse).

Grow up, tell them that you don't like their plans, and will pay for your own wedding and have it the way YOU want it.

What's going to happen when you have kids? Are you going to let his parents dictate how you raise them because you won't stand up for yourselves as a separate family unit?

dramanut0410 · April 2012

What it sounds like is you want two weddings. A private one with just the two of you and a large one with friends and family. Okay- I guess you could do that if you have the funds for it, but I think it might take away from your actual wedding with your firends and family. If you get married once, is there a point of getting married to the same person again?!

I guess I just don't understand it and wouldn't do it because its just not my cup of tea.

Best to luck to you in what you decide to do.

FluffyGumDrop · April 2012

It sounds like the only reason you're having the large wedding ceremony is because his family is orthodox and you want to keep their traditions to hold the peace. That's really nice of you to want to please his family, but you DEFINITELY need to check first about having a civil ceremony because religious weddings have different rules that must be followed. If the priest/pastor/minister/rabbi finds out you're already married, then the orthodox wedding might not be allowed to take place.

Hope it works out for you.

TiffannieF · April 2012

I'm not familiar with the orthodox...

OP, what is the REAL pressures you can't handle...if you are not paying for anything tell us the REAL pressures...we can help you with those (seriously). Eloping then having a pretend wedding is wrong, deceitful, and superficial. But we can probably help with other problems you may be experiencing.

BTW, I'm being sincere.

StephBeanWed61502 · April 2012

I'm assuming that, by "orthodox" you're referring to a religion (Greek Orthodox? Orthodox Judaism? Some other faith with the word "orthodox" in it? I can't tell). In any religion I've ever been exposed to, the priest/rabbi/whoever absolutely will not perform a wedding ceremony for a couple who is already married, which is what you would be if you ran out and had your super-secret private ceremony before the day of your planned wedding. Therefore, you'd either have to lie your face off to a religious leader about already being married (which wouldn't work anyway, because s/he'd be expecting to have to sign your marriage certificate and would know something was off when you were all "yeah, don't worry about it"), OR you'd have to tell the religious leader, and then you'd have a vow renewal ceremony, not a marriage ceremony.

Vow renewals, in most religions I'm familiar with, look and sound different from marriage ceremonies, so everyone would end up knowing you lied your face off to them and got married in secret before the "wedding" day once they observed the ceremony. I cannot imagine how anyone at your "wedding" wouldn't be completely pissed off at you at that point for being a pair of lying liars who lie.

Either turn down FI's parents' lovely money and have the wedding you can afford on your own and then do whatever it is that you want to do, or have the wedding your in-laws want you to have and continue to take their cash for it. Those are your only legitimate, non-shady options.

Mushymilkfor2 · April 2012

I was leaning mostly towards not doing a private wedding, I have decided to do that. Thanks to all the rude, and the few helpful coments my decision is to do both one day. If people who don't even know me would react so harshly, rude and down right bitchy then yeah I could only imagine how people I know and love would react.

Thanks to the few that actually wanted to help and not judge a complete stranger. And, honestly after the majority of the bitchy, rude, unhelpful, judgemental (probably enough), comments made over something that was merely a thought my fiance and I had, not a plan, by the way, not something we had set in stone. An idea, a thought, something we were considering but not really said it was for sure. Well, I don't want to return here for any kind of help or advise.

So thank you!

NOLAbridealmost · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_getting-married-before-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:791bbcd7-30c1-4f5d-a71b-63e4d531fb94Post:6b64292e-f379-46b8-9397-d986b0b420ba">Re: Getting married before the wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]I was leaning mostly towards not doing a private wedding, I have decided to do that. Thanks to all the rude, and the few helpful coments my decision is to do both one day. If people who don't even know me would react so harshly, rude and down right bitchy then yeah I could only imagine how people I know and love would react. Thanks to the few that actually wanted to help and not judge a complete stranger. And, honestly after the majority of the bitchy, rude, unhelpful, judgemental (probably enough), comments made over something that was merely a thought my fiance and I had, not a plan, by the way, not something we had set in stone. An idea, a thought, something we were considering but not really said it was for sure. Well, I don't want to return here for any kind of help or advise. So thank you!
Posted by Mushymilkfor2[/QUOTE]

<div>
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HobokensFury · April 2012

Another one bites the dust...

redheadfsu · April 2012

You had a rude idea. We told you so. This thread was rainbow and puppies compared to some. Sorry, we assumed anyone getting married is a grownup and can handle honesty. I really wonder how these type of posters deal with the real world.

Lisa50 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_getting-married-before-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:791bbcd7-30c1-4f5d-a71b-63e4d531fb94Post:6c3d6b21-fc20-4f9a-bc6a-eef98fe338e0">Re: Getting married before the wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]Just for some perspective: My husband's friend is getting married in a destination wedding. His friend told me the other night that they are having a private ceremony in the US before we all spend $1000s of dollars to travel to what actually is their "vow renewal" but being called their "wedding." I'm pissed.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

I had something similar happen, years ago ... A friend and her fiance invited me to their wedding. I paid for travel (plane tickets, no hotel b/c it was back home), skipped a full day of grad school classes and found out, after the ceremony, that they'd already gotten hitched. The "minister" at the wedding was an actor. I was pissed. Really, really pissed.

kristin neo · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_getting-married-before-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:791bbcd7-30c1-4f5d-a71b-63e4d531fb94Post:6c3d6b21-fc20-4f9a-bc6a-eef98fe338e0">Re: Getting married before the wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]Just for some perspective: My husband's friend is getting married in a destination wedding. His friend told me the other night that they are having a private ceremony in the US before we all spend $1000s of dollars to travel to what actually is their "vow renewal" but being called their "wedding." I'm pissed.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]
that a but different you spending a ton of money<div>
</div><div>but im also going to say there will be less red tape if the paper signing happens in the us</div>

kristin neo · May 2012

op there is no problem in my books

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