Facebook Bride Help

kjlamb · August 2013

This was question on the facebook group The Real 2014 Brides. This Bride is getting terrible advice from others, so I thought I would post this here so she can get help from you guys and I can just link this discussion to her. Thanks for all the help!

I have a question for you ladies.....We keep teetering on the idea of a potluck type reception or just keeping it to cake, cupcakes and maybe water for a reception thingy and just having people bring their own lunch. IF we actually go with a potluck reception, I'm thinking of just having people bring side dishes and nonalcoholic drinks. Why this, because a fellow costumer approached us with a possible meat donation. BUT instead of having people present wedding gifts because of our lack of space (and a possible move to mom and dad's thus needing less stuff), we're going to put out a honeymoon donation bucket. I'm just wondering if both would be too much to ask of people. Guest count of invited is about 150. So far only about 40 have confirmed. The honeymoon thing is optional for people and we're just teetering on the potluck idea. I even told the volunteer (he also volunteered to cook the stuff) that we'd think about it.

ac411020 · August 2013

I think honeymoon baskets are super tacky. It looks like you are begging for money. And on top of it you want people to bring their own lunch? No and no.

Simply Fated · August 2013

If the reception is a way to thank the guests for coming to the ceremony, then having the reception be a potluck would be inappropriate. If you're going to host someone, you must host them properly. Asking them to pack their own food isn't hosting them properly.

How would they even word their money ideas to the guests? "We can't afford the honeymoon we want, so please bring cash?" That's just so awkward. And how would they word the thank you cards?

MayDay513 · August 2013

kjlamb said:

This was question on the facebook group The Real 2014 Brides. This Bride is getting terrible advice from others, so I thought I would post this here so she can get help from you guys and I can just link this discussion to her. Thanks for all the help!

I have a question for you ladies.....We keep teetering on the idea of a potluck type reception or just keeping it to cake, cupcakes and maybe water for a reception thingy and just having people bring their own lunch. IF we actually go with a potluck reception, I'm thinking of just having people bring side dishes and nonalcoholic drinks. Why this, because a fellow costumer approached us with a possible meat donation. BUT instead of having people present wedding gifts because of our lack of space (and a possible move to mom and dad's thus needing less stuff), we're going to put out a honeymoon donation bucket. I'm just wondering if both would be too much to ask of people. Guest count of invited is about 150. So far only about 40 have confirmed. The honeymoon thing is optional for people and we're just teetering on the potluck idea. I even told the volunteer (he also volunteered to cook the stuff) that we'd think about it.

No you do not do a potluck. And is she serious about the non-alcoholic beverages part? That's crazy. 2 liter sodas are $1 each when on sale at Safeway.

Honeymoon basket - No.

Guest do not open wallets at receptions. Receptions are to thank your guests.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

kjlamb said:

This was question on the facebook group The Real 2014 Brides. This Bride is getting terrible advice from others, so I thought I would post this here so she can get help from you guys and I can just link this discussion to her. Thanks for all the help!

I have a question for you ladies.....We keep teetering on the idea of a potluck type reception or just keeping it to cake, cupcakes and maybe water for a reception thingy and just having people bring their own lunch. IF we actually go with a potluck reception, I'm thinking of just having people bring side dishes and nonalcoholic drinks. Why this, because a fellow costumer approached us with a possible meat donation. BUT instead of having people present wedding gifts because of our lack of space (and a possible move to mom and dad's thus needing less stuff), we're going to put out a honeymoon donation bucket. I'm just wondering if both would be too much to ask of people. Guest count of invited is about 150. So far only about 40 have confirmed. The honeymoon thing is optional for people and we're just teetering on the potluck idea. I even told the volunteer (he also volunteered to cook the stuff) that we'd think about it.

A "reception" is where you "receive" (thank) your guests for attending your wedding. It's rude to not host a reception or to partially host a reception since it's supposed to be a "thank you." It must be fully hosted. Fully hosted means your guests don't contribute - that's the reason potluck receptions and cash bars are considered rude. Guests are contributing when they're supposed to be hosted. I like your cake and punch idea. As long as your reception isn't a meal time (if it is, you need to serve a meal), cake and punch is totally fine.

Do not set out a honeymoon bucket/jar or any other receptacle for your guests' money. Even if it's "optional" it's still asking for money. Don't ask your guests for money. If they want to give you money, they'll give you a card and include a check. When you put out a jar, you're asking for money, which is never appropriate.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

Potluck receptions are tacky and rude from an etiquette standpoint, and here's why- The point of the reception is for the Bride and Groom to receive their guests, and thank them for witnessing and supporting their union. That makes the Bride and Groom the hosts, and to properly host yor guests you don't ask them to provide their own food nor open their wallets up.

Which brings me to the Honeymoon jar. . .another tacky idea, because it comes across as begging for money. Its rude to ask for gifts.

phira · August 2013

Here's what I'd do:

Find a way to budget in a meal OR find a way to let guests know that you'll be doing a cake, apps, and punch type reception. It's not polite to ask people to contribute to your wedding and bring something, whether it's food or decor or whatever.

I went to a wedding once where the bride asked everyone to bring a bouquet of flowers for centerpieces. It was extremely inconvenient for us to get flowers the weekend of the wedding, and we were not very happy that the first thing that happened when we arrived was that we had to cut the stems, put them in a vase, and find a table to put the flowers on. At the end of the wedding, when the bride asked everyone to take home a centerpiece, we were pretty miffed.

As for the honeymoon fund, similar issue. Not only are you asking people to contribute to something that's considered a wedding expense (e.g. food), you are essentially telling people how to spend their money. It's TOTALLY cool to not want a lot of physical gifts, though, so I think you're better off having a teeny registry (or none at all), and if anyone asks, just let them know that you're flattered, but that you and your fiance don't have space, you're not registered for anything.

You'll likely get a lot of money instead of physical gifts, and you can totally use that to help fund your honeymoon (although be careful--DON'T tell people that you aren't registered BECAUSE you're trying to get money).

Good luck!

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

phira said:
I went to a wedding once where the bride asked everyone to bring a bouquet of flowers for centerpieces. It was extremely inconvenient for us to get flowers the weekend of the wedding, and we were not very happy that the first thing that happened when we arrived was that we had to cut the stems, put them in a vase, and find a table to put the flowers on. At the end of the wedding, when the bride asked everyone to take home a centerpiece, we were pretty miffed.

what the what?!? You were way to nice to bring flowers.

phira · August 2013

southernbelle0915 said:

phira said:
I went to a wedding once where the bride asked everyone to bring a bouquet of flowers for centerpieces. It was extremely inconvenient for us to get flowers the weekend of the wedding, and we were not very happy that the first thing that happened when we arrived was that we had to cut the stems, put them in a vase, and find a table to put the flowers on. At the end of the wedding, when the bride asked everyone to take home a centerpiece, we were pretty miffed.

what the what?!? You were way to nice to bring flowers.

I didn't have a choice. It was my boyfriend's brother's wedding, and we were staying with his parents. We had been moving that weekend (no choice in that matter either) and due to a slew of problems, we weren't able to stay at our new place till the weekend was over. I wasn't very happy at all being FORCED to bring home a centerpiece, given that we weren't going home afterwards.

The bride wasn't even nice to me--she ignored me when I tried to congratulate her and when I tried to say goodbye at the end of the reception. It was really stressful.

kjlamb · August 2013

Update. Recent post by the facebook bride:

Ehh alot of knot ladies don't like them either. But i think it's a really nice change from the traditional sit down dinner thing. And I think it suits us a little more anyway. I'll still check it out though.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

kjlamb said:
Update. Recent post by the facebook bride:

Ehh alot of knot ladies don't like them either. But i think it's a really nice change from the traditional sit down dinner thing. And I think it suits us a little more anyway. I'll still check it out though.

If she doesn't want a sit down dinner she can have a buffet/food station style reception. But whomever is paying for the reception- aka hosting it- has to have it catered in some fashion. Wedding guests should not be providing their own food and alcohol.

MobKaz · August 2013

kjlamb said:

This was question on the facebook group The Real 2014 Brides. This Bride is getting terrible advice from others, so I thought I would post this here so she can get help from you guys and I can just link this discussion to her. Thanks for all the help!

I have a question for you ladies.....We keep teetering on the idea of a potluck type reception or just keeping it to cake, cupcakes and maybe water for a reception thingy and just having people bring their own lunch. IF we actually go with a potluck reception, I'm thinking of just having people bring side dishes and nonalcoholic drinks. Why this, because a fellow costumer approached us with a possible meat donation. BUT instead of having people present wedding gifts because of our lack of space (and a possible move to mom and dad's thus needing less stuff), we're going to put out a honeymoon donation bucket. I'm just wondering if both would be too much to ask of people. Guest count of invited is about 150. So far only about 40 have confirmed. The honeymoon thing is optional for people and we're just teetering on the potluck idea. I even told the volunteer (he also volunteered to cook the stuff) that we'd think about it.

The reason you may have only 40 confirmed guests is because the rest of them are at home wondering, "WTH"? As PP's have said over and over again, you host what you can afford. There are a lot of alternatives to a traditional sit down dinner. The key is to provide it yourself.

phira · August 2013

PrettyGirlLost said:

Update. Recent post by the facebook bride:

Ehh alot of knot ladies don't like them either. But i think it's a really nice change from the traditional sit down dinner thing. And I think it suits us a little more anyway. I'll still check it out though.

If she doesn't want a sit down dinner she can have a buffet/food station style reception. But whomever is paying for the reception- aka hosting it- has to have it catered in some fashion. Wedding guests should not be providing their own food and alcohol.

There are ways to have an offbeat wedding without being rude to guests. Host a brunch, have a cake and punch reception, or even learn how to prepare food in advance to essentially cater your own buffet. Hell, do what the aforementioned flower wedding did and get food trucks.

elizabetheleven · August 2013

kjlamb said:
This was question on the facebook group The Real 2014 Brides. This Bride is getting terrible advice from others, so I thought I would post this here so she can get help from you guys and I can just link this discussion to her. Thanks for all the help!

I have a question for you ladies.....We keep teetering on the idea of a potluck type reception or just keeping it to cake, cupcakes and maybe water for a reception thingy and just having people bring their own lunch. IF we actually go with a potluck reception, I'm thinking of just having people bring side dishes and nonalcoholic drinks. Why this, because a fellow costumer approached us with a possible meat donation. BUT instead of having people present wedding gifts because of our lack of space (and a possible move to mom and dad's thus needing less stuff), we're going to put out a honeymoon donation bucket. I'm just wondering if both would be too much to ask of people. Guest count of invited is about 150. So far only about 40 have confirmed. The honeymoon thing is optional for people and we're just teetering on the potluck idea. I even told the volunteer (he also volunteered to cook the stuff) that we'd think about it.

I kind of lost track after "Meat Donation"...

A potluck party, to me, is just that, a party. Not a wedding reception. And a honeymoon fund is tacky and money hungry.

doeydo · August 2013

If you are reading this, no potlucks. You are supposed to be hosting for your guests. The honeymoon fund is terribly tacky and cheap. You can have a space for people to put their cards (which may contain money) but you never ask for anything.

grumbledore · August 2013

phira said: PrettyGirlLost said: Update. Recent post by the facebook bride:
Ehh alot of knot ladies don't like them either. But i think it's a really nice change from the traditional sit down dinner thing. And I think it suits us a little more anyway. I'll still check it out though.

If she doesn't want a sit down dinner she can have a buffet/food station style reception. But whomever is paying for the reception- aka hosting it- has to have it catered in some fashion. Wedding guests should not be providing their own food and alcohol. There are ways to have an offbeat wedding without being rude to guests. Host a brunch, have a cake and punch reception, or even learn how to prepare food in advance to essentially cater your own buffet. Hell, do what the aforementioned flower wedding did and get food trucks.

Yup. Let's boil down the advice - pay for everything at your own party, period. If you can't afford what you want, then want something different.

phira · August 2013

grumbledore said:

Yup. Let's boil down the advice - pay for everything at your own party, period. If you can't afford what you want, then want something different.

YES exactly. Well said!

Blue_Bird · August 2013

Lord a mercy. That's all I have the energy for.

FizzySips · August 2013

I love that the bride says "knot ladies don't like it"...as if its a board thing and not just a rude idea thing.

Jen4948 · August 2013

I guess she doesn't care about treating her guests well or that there will be very few if any attending her wedding. When they hear about her "potluck reception" idea, they'll decline so fast the sound barrier will break.

Simply Fated · August 2013

kjlamb said:
Update. Recent post by the facebook bride:

Ehh alot of knot ladies don't like them either. But i think it's a really nice change from the traditional sit down dinner thing. And I think it suits us a little more anyway. I'll still check it out though.

It's a change, but not a nice one. There are a ways to be untraditional without being rude or breaking the bank.

delujm0 · August 2013

I think my biggest problem with the "honeymoon fund" isn't even the rudeness (which clearly is an issue, don't get me wrong) but the fact that people are planning and booking honeymoons that they can't afford! Granted, I am an accountant, so budgeting is kind of my "thing," but you should not plan a vacation that you can't pay for, and you DEFINITELY should not plan a vacation that you can't pay for, and then expect other people to subsodize it for you. Why is this so common? If you can't afford the honeymoon of your dreams, start a savings account, ferret away a little bit of money every paycheck, and maybe by the time of your 5th or 10th or 20th anniversary you can take that trip. Potentially going into debt for a vacation is insane.

Ditto going into debt for your wedding. but that being said...it's still not acceptable to ask your GUESTS to provided the food and booze to avoid going into debt. Just host what you can afford to host and adjust the guest list and/or food offerings accordingly. Why is this theory so hard for people to understand? Probably because of the commercialization of the wedding industry. Sigh.

MuppetOverlord · August 2013

kjlamb said:

This was question on the facebook group The Real 2014 Brides. This Bride is getting terrible advice from others, so I thought I would post this here so she can get help from you guys and I can just link this discussion to her. Thanks for all the help!

I have a question for you ladies.....We keep teetering on the idea of a potluck type reception or just keeping it to cake, cupcakes and maybe water for a reception thingy and just having people bring their own lunch. IF we actually go with a potluck reception, I'm thinking of just having people bring side dishes and nonalcoholic drinks. Why this, because a fellow costumer approached us with a possible meat donation. BUT instead of having people present wedding gifts because of our lack of space (and a possible move to mom and dad's thus needing less stuff), we're going to put out a honeymoon donation bucket. I'm just wondering if both would be too much to ask of people. Guest count of invited is about 150. So far only about 40 have confirmed. The honeymoon thing is optional for people and we're just teetering on the potluck idea. I even told the volunteer (he also volunteered to cook the stuff) that we'd think about it.

Yeah no.

Tell her a potluck wedding is incredibly rude. No one should be asked to do anything for her wedding, nor should they be expected to.

Honeymoon basket is also very tacky and needs to be omitted.

Your buddy needs to teeter on over to the side of reality and should plan the wedding that she can afford to properly host her guests or elope.

I went to a potluck debacle last month, I will judge the couple for life.

heidirs731 · August 2013

I always thought a potluck reception would be appropriate for a small family backyard wedding type thing of maybe 20 people where everyone lives within 30mins. But this doesn't sound like the kind of thing the bride is planning. So, I would say no.

I don't think the honeymoon bucket is a bad idea. It's better than a honeymoon registry where they take your money. And if the bride lets guest know they would like money toward the honeymoon as a gift, not in addition to, I'd think it'd be okay.

WinstonsGirl · August 2013

heidirs731 said:

I always thought a potluck reception would be appropriate for a small family backyard wedding type thing of maybe 20 people where everyone lives within 30mins. But this doesn't sound like the kind of thing the bride is planning. So, I would say no.

I don't think the honeymoon bucket is a bad idea. It's better than a honeymoon registry where they take your money. And if the bride lets guest know they would like money toward the honeymoon as a gift, not in addition to, I'd think it'd be okay.

No. Receptions are your thank you to your guests for attending the ceremony. Would you ask friends to help you move and tell them you would thank them with pizza and beer and then ask them to chip in on pizza?? Thanking your guests means they are not supplying food (i.e.. potluck). You then also get into the issue of keeping hot food hot and cold food cold over the duration of the reception.

Honeymoon buckets are still asking for cash, which is rude. People know everyone wants money. They'll give it if they want to. No one sees a bucket and think "Oh, I forgot I could give them cash, thanks for the reminder". If a couple wants cash, do a small registry and if people ask, say you're actually saving up for xyz. People get the hint

heidirs731 · August 2013

WinstonsGirl said:

Honeymoon buckets are still asking for cash, which is rude. People know everyone wants money. They'll give it if they want to. No one sees a bucket and think "Oh, I forgot I could give them cash, thanks for the reminder". If a couple wants cash, do a small registry and if people ask, say you're actually saving up for xyz. People get the hint

Why is asking for cash rude? You are asking for gifts as it is. I honestly don't see a difference. And I don't see how "hinting" is any different than asking, in fact it seems worse since your guests have to guess at what kind of gift you'd like.

NYCBruin · August 2013

heidirs731 said:

WinstonsGirl said:

Honeymoon buckets are still asking for cash, which is rude. People know everyone wants money. They'll give it if they want to. No one sees a bucket and think "Oh, I forgot I could give them cash, thanks for the reminder". If a couple wants cash, do a small registry and if people ask, say you're actually saving up for xyz. People get the hint

Why is asking for cash rude? You are asking for gifts as it is. I honestly don't see a difference. And I don't see how "hinting" is any different than asking, in fact it seems worse since your guests have to guess at what kind of gift you'd like.

No you aren't. No one has to give you a gift. You shouldn't expect to get gifts.

If you're going to say that registries are asking for gifts, they are not. They tell people who want to buy you china or towels what patters and colors you would like.

Cash is universal. Everyone likes cash. Cash can be used for anything. People don't need help giving you cash if they want to give you cash.

WinstonsGirl · August 2013

heidirs731 said:

WinstonsGirl said:

Honeymoon buckets are still asking for cash, which is rude. People know everyone wants money. They'll give it if they want to. No one sees a bucket and think "Oh, I forgot I could give them cash, thanks for the reminder". If a couple wants cash, do a small registry and if people ask, say you're actually saving up for xyz. People get the hint

Why is asking for cash rude? You are asking for gifts as it is. I honestly don't see a difference. And I don't see how "hinting" is any different than asking, in fact it seems worse since your guests have to guess at what kind of gift you'd like.

Gifts are never required, so no, I didn't actually ask for gifts. Gift registries give people suggestions of what you would like if they choose to get you a gift. No one needs a suggestion of giving cash.

heidirs731 · August 2013

NYCBruin said:

heidirs731 said:

WinstonsGirl said:

Honeymoon buckets are still asking for cash, which is rude. People know everyone wants money. They'll give it if they want to. No one sees a bucket and think "Oh, I forgot I could give them cash, thanks for the reminder". If a couple wants cash, do a small registry and if people ask, say you're actually saving up for xyz. People get the hint

Why is asking for cash rude? You are asking for gifts as it is. I honestly don't see a difference. And I don't see how "hinting" is any different than asking, in fact it seems worse since your guests have to guess at what kind of gift you'd like.

No you aren't. No one has to give you a gift. You shouldn't expect to get gifts.

If you're going to say that registries are asking for gifts, they are not. They tell people who want to buy you china or towels what patters and colors you would like.

Cash is universal. Everyone likes cash. Cash can be used for anything. People don't need help giving you cash if they want to give you cash.

Registries are for gifts. You can put whatever you want on them. They don't have to include china or towels or even housewares.

My experience is that people would like to actually gift you stuff that you want, whether that be an physical item or a trip. My experience is that people would prefer to get you an actual item than cash because they like the idea of something more long lasting. But I have also found that people don't mind putting money toward a trip or event because the memories themselves can be lasting. But if you don't tell people you'd like money toward your honeymoon, then they don't know about it. Maybe a bucket isn't the best way ago, but I think it's better than a registry that steals your money.

blueobsidian · August 2013

NYCBruin said:

heidirs731 said:

WinstonsGirl said:

Honeymoon buckets are still asking for cash, which is rude. People know everyone wants money. They'll give it if they want to. No one sees a bucket and think "Oh, I forgot I could give them cash, thanks for the reminder". If a couple wants cash, do a small registry and if people ask, say you're actually saving up for xyz. People get the hint

Why is asking for cash rude? You are asking for gifts as it is. I honestly don't see a difference. And I don't see how "hinting" is any different than asking, in fact it seems worse since your guests have to guess at what kind of gift you'd like.

No you aren't. No one has to give you a gift. You shouldn't expect to get gifts.

If you're going to say that registries are asking for gifts, they are not. They tell people who want to buy you china or towels what patters and colors you would like.

Cash is universal. Everyone likes cash. Cash can be used for anything. People don't need help giving you cash if they want to give you cash.

Registries are for gifts. You can put whatever you want on them. They don't have to include china or towels or even housewares.

My experience is that people would like to actually gift you stuff that you want, whether that be an physical item or a trip. My experience is that people would prefer to get you an actual item than cash because they like the idea of something more long lasting. But I have also found that people don't mind putting money toward a trip or event because the memories themselves can be lasting. But if you don't tell people you'd like money toward your honeymoon, then they don't know about it. Maybe a bucket isn't the best way ago, but I think it's better than a registry that steals your money.

Seriously? Did someone have to tell you that people like money? I feel like you have to live under a rock to not know that people like money as a gift.

NYCBruin · August 2013

heidirs731 said:

NYCBruin said:

heidirs731 said:

WinstonsGirl said:

Honeymoon buckets are still asking for cash, which is rude. People know everyone wants money. They'll give it if they want to. No one sees a bucket and think "Oh, I forgot I could give them cash, thanks for the reminder". If a couple wants cash, do a small registry and if people ask, say you're actually saving up for xyz. People get the hint

Why is asking for cash rude? You are asking for gifts as it is. I honestly don't see a difference. And I don't see how "hinting" is any different than asking, in fact it seems worse since your guests have to guess at what kind of gift you'd like.

No you aren't. No one has to give you a gift. You shouldn't expect to get gifts.

If you're going to say that registries are asking for gifts, they are not. They tell people who want to buy you china or towels what patters and colors you would like.

Cash is universal. Everyone likes cash. Cash can be used for anything. People don't need help giving you cash if they want to give you cash.

Registries are for gifts. You can put whatever you want on them. They don't have to include china or towels or even housewares.

My experience is that people would like to actually gift you stuff that you want, whether that be an physical item or a trip. My experience is that people would prefer to get you an actual item than cash because they like the idea of something more long lasting. But I have also found that people don't mind putting money toward a trip or event because the memories themselves can be lasting. But if you don't tell people you'd like money toward your honeymoon, then they don't know about it. Maybe a bucket isn't the best way ago, but I think it's better than a registry that steals your money.

Yes, you can register for other things than housewares. Some old-school people frown upon it but I don't really mind it. Point still remains, your registry tells me what types of physical things you need/want. I don't need any "help" knowing that cash is a great gift.

If people want to give you cash, they will give you cash.

If you use the money on your honeymoon, you can write that in the thank you note you write them.

Oh and if I want to buy you an experience, I can do that without the help of a registry also. My father's go-to wedding gift for close family members is plane tickets for them to use on their honeymoon. He's been doing this for more than 30 years without the assistance of a honeymoon registry. You can also write on the line of a check "use this for a nice dinner on your honeymoon," or buy a gift card to a nice restaurant.

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