Emergency Etiquette Help

WonderRed · August 2013

I'm speechless. Just unbelievable that she can be that rude and manipulative. But you don't need to do anything. Write ridiculously nice thank you notes to everyone and then go on with your wedding plans as you were. No changes. Period. This on on your MIL, not you, and she is the one who is going to look as rude as she is. If she threatens to not come to the wedding tell her that you are sorry she is making that choice and that she will be missed.

Where is your FI in all this? Does he stand up to his mom?

KeptInStitches · August 2013

That's stunning. I'm with everyone else, write the thank-you notes, don't feel obligated to invite them to the wedding, and turn your FI loose on his mom. This is outrageous.

delujm0 · August 2013

I think if this was my FMIL, HER invitation to this wedding would be lost in the mail. I'm sure she will tell all of her friends that YOU are the rude one who refused to invite them after "the lovely gifts they brought to the shower." But who cares. Obviously you are not close to this woman; what her friends think of you isn't important. If they've known her long enough, chances are they know her true character anyway.

Write lovely Thank You notes for all of the gifts and forget about it. This woman's manipulations aren't worth your time and energy.

csuave · August 2013

This is horrible. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Good luck getting the names and addresses without a fuss for the thank yous; I'm assuming you will have to ask FMIL for those.

daveANDkristen · August 2013

delujm0 said:

I think if this was my FMIL, HER invitation to this wedding would be lost in the mail. I'm sure she will tell all of her friends that YOU are the rude one who refused to invite them after "the lovely gifts they brought to the shower." But who cares. Obviously you are not close to this woman; what her friends think of you isn't important. If they've known her long enough, chances are they know her true character anyway.

Write lovely Thank You notes for all of the gifts and forget about it. This woman's manipulations aren't worth your time and energy.

Yep, I was thinking all of this too. And I agree with delujm... basically, fuck her.

Kristin789 · August 2013

This, exactly: I'd tell your FI that you are really hurt by his mother's behaviors, she has put you in an uncomfortable position and then ask HIM how he'd like to handle it. His mother = his problem.

Except, I wouldn't ask. I'd put a 3x5 card on each gift with the giver's address, and then if you don't live together, I'd deliver all the gifts right on to FI's living room floor in front of the TV - and if you DO live together, I'd put all the gifts in the living room right in front of the TV. And tell him that he deals with this. I wouldn't even write one TY. His mother = his problem.

crunchymamaof2 · August 2013

Wow. just wow.

IMO, if I were these friends I wouldn't expect a wedding invite. It's one thing to be a distance relative but a friend of your MIL from 20 years ago? eh. I'm sure they know how your MIL is and probably just wanted to do something nice for you and see and old friend. Even if they don't, SHE was the shower host. You knew nothing about it. Even if I did think I would get a wedding invite, I would never ask for my gift back if I didn't get one.

I would send them a sincere thank you, jump for joy and cross your fingers that MIL really won't show for the wedding, and put the gifts aside just in case.

I do agree with whoever said to watch out if babies are in your future. Boundaries need to be set NOW and if they get crossed, she needs a time out. A long time out.

MobKaz · August 2013

Kristin789 said:

This, exactly: I'd tell your FI that you are really hurt by his mother's behaviors, she has put you in an uncomfortable position and then ask HIM how he'd like to handle it. His mother = his problem.
Except, I wouldn't ask. I'd put a 3x5 card on each gift with the giver's address, and then if you don't live together, I'd deliver all the gifts right on to FI's living room floor in front of the TV - and if you DO live together, I'd put all the gifts in the living room right in front of the TV. And tell him that he deals with this. I wouldn't even write one TY. His mother = his problem.

1. To the bolded? No. No. No. This makes no sense. What if there is no TV in either home?

To your post.......

I thought maybe I should write the absolutely most charming and grateful thank you notes I could muster and then explain the situation and ask if they would like me to return it. That seems insulting too. DF says I should just write the notes, act like nothing happened without inviting them and if they think I'm horribly rude-oh well! I agree with your FI.

My DF was furious because of the position she's put us in and spoke to her about. She isn't talking to us and threatened not to show up. Make sure she knows the details of the wedding. After that, it's on her as to whether she shows. She and DF don't get along because we continued to socialize with future FIL after their divorce. And this is also another reason why she may be so insistent to have all her friends at the wedding....safety in numbers (from her POV).

My DF and I are paying for everything because her money is never given without strings attached. She is not paying for anything. Several times she insisted on paying for something but as soon as the bill comes its just too expensive for her. Never mind that she lives in a private golfing community and gets a new car every year. Sounds like you and your FI have a clear understanding of her and her manipulations. Stay resolved and united and you will be fine.

The only other thought I had was to perhaps postpone giving FMIL the actual paper invitation until as late as possible. Any chance she would go to the extreme of making copies of them?

Emergency Etiquette Help

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