Emergency Etiquette Help

madamebovary

MY DF and I are getting married Oct 5.  We have been very clear from the start that we wanted a small, intimate wedding and so we chose the venue accordingly.

My future MIL has complained innumerable times about us not letting her invite enough of her friends.  She seriously wants to invite old neighbors and co-workers from like 20 years ago. We, of course, have told her no repeatedly and she just won't let it die.

This past weekend she asked me to spend the day with her and she takes me to my SURPRISE bridal shower with all these women who we refused to invite.  The first thing she does is whisper in my ear that now I have to invite them to the wedding so as to not be rude.

She is using etiquette to try to force my hand but our venue literally cannot accommodate them.

What should I do? The gifts are still unopened because I thought maybe to send them back since the giver can't come.

allispain

Oh wow. I cannot believe she did that to you - and then rubbed it in your face!

This is your FMIL's faux pas - not yours. She threw you a surprise shower, knowing that these guests are not invited to your wedding. How incredibly rude!

What I would do is have your FI contact his mother immediately and inform her in no uncertain terms that you are not changing your guest list just because she decided to try to force your hand. He should tell her that she made this mess and it is her responsibility to fix it. FMIL needs to contact all of the people she had invited to your surprise shower that were not on the guest list for the wedding, let them know that she made a mistake, and inform them that unfortunately they will not be invited to the wedding. Since you haven't opened the gifts yet, you can then contact guests and ask how they would like you to go about returning the gifts to them. They may tell you to keep them, they may give you their address so you can ship them back to them.

Good luck dealing with such a crazy FMIL!

ashleyep

If you don't invite them, it's going to reflect poorly on her, not you. They're going to think that she made the etiquette breach. 

I say don't invite them - you don't know about them, you don't care about them, and I don't think you should invite them just because your FMIL has used etiquette to manipulate you.

What does your fiancé think?

I don't know what to do with the gifts, but I'm surprised you didn't open them. Isn't that what your normally do at the shower?

SapphireCounselor

Wow...that is a tough situation. It sucks she put you in that position. Very aggressive, if you ask me, and I'd definitely want to have a conversation with her about how disrespected I felt. That said, one important question about this mess is who is paying for the wedding. If she is, she should have been allowed to invite the folks she wanted to invite from the beginning. (Obviously she is still rude for putting you in this position, even if this is the case.) If she is not paying, then that makes this shower fiasco all the ruder.

daveANDkristen

DO NOT invite these women.  She was the shower hostess, and did not consult you for the guest list.  The faux pas is on her, not you. 

ETA: Wait, I'm assuming FMIL is not paying for the wedding right?  If not, your FI needs to tell his mom "sorry mom, but for the umpteenth time, we do not have the space nor the desire to accomodate these additional guests.  Case closed.

southernbelle0915

madamebovary said: MY DF and I are getting married Oct 5.  We have been very clear from the start that we wanted a small, intimate wedding and so we chose the venue accordingly.

My future MIL has complained innumerable times about us not letting her invite enough of her friends.  She seriously wants to invite old neighbors and co-workers from like 20 years ago. We, of course, have told her no repeatedly and she just won't let it die.

This past weekend she asked me to spend the day with her and she takes me to my SURPRISE bridal shower with all these women who we refused to invite.  The first thing she does is whisper in my ear that now I have to invite them to the wedding so as to not be rude.

She is using etiquette to try to force my hand but our venue literally cannot accommodate them.

What should I do? The gifts are still unopened because I thought maybe to send them back since the giver can't come.

_________________________________________________ If you cannot accommodate these people, there's nothing you can do. I think surprise events are an exception and it's another reason why I'm a fan of non-surprise showers where there is an offer to host and the offer is accepted by the bride/groom. 

I would not invite these people. A) your venue can't accommodate them, and I don't think you're in an etiquette situation where this is a faux pas - you weren't given the opportunity to have input on the guest list or to object to the shower. Obviously these shower guests knew it was a surprise so the only reason they'll "expect" to be invited is if your FMIL told them they would be - her bad, not yours.

BTW, your FMIL sounds like a peach. 

ETA quote boxes

daveANDkristen

ashleyep said:

If you don't invite them, it's going to reflect poorly on her, not you. They're going to think that she made the etiquette breach. 

I say don't invite them - you don't know about them, you don't care about them, and I don't think you should invite them just because your FMIL has used etiquette to manipulate you.

What does your fiancé think?

I don't know what to do with the gifts, but I'm surprised you didn't open them. Isn't that what your normally do at the shower?

I assumed she meant the items themselves were unopened, meaning that the giver could return them if they wanted to. 

Xstatic3333

That is horrific. I am so sorry she did that to you. Wow. Don't invite them. She's really looking to drive a wedge between herself and her son.

I'm not sure how to handle the gifts. I had two non-invites (friends of MOH's mom) show up at my shower without my knowledge/control and I just opened the gifts and wrote them NWR thank you's. They also made it very clear to me that they knew they weren't invited. I do think your situation could be different; hopefully one of the pros will weigh in.

LondonLisa

Wow- that is just awful. What does your Fi think? Usually it is best for the marriage to have each person deal with their respective family. I agree that you do not have to invite these women.

In addition to the practicalities of this event (such as space), it sets a terrible precedent with a woman who is manipulative and aggressive. She obviously is used to getting her way. I would have Fi call her and say in very clear terms that those women are not invited. Additionally, I would have Fi tell FMIL if they still show up (ie- if FMIL still invites them anyway) they will have no food, place setting, place to sit and will be escorted out. People like this need strict boundaries that are always enforced. If you give them an inch, they will take a mile.

STARMOON44

I think you write them each a lovely thank you note right now, keep the gifts, and he tells his Mom she's crazy. From my perspective, if an old friend randomly invited me to a shower, I'd be looking at it as a chance to reconnect with her and would have budgeted accordingly. I think your heart is in the right place with wanting to return things, but it will wind up insulting people who just wanted to do something nice for you.

Xstatic3333

I'm stuck on this one. This is one of the worst FMIL stories I've read on TK. Someone that sneaky and manipulative would not be getting one on one time with future grand kids unsupervised, that's for sure.

KickAssMOH

She sounds nutttts. Sorry you have to deal with that. I'm getting married the week before you, and just found out that my coworkers are planning a shower for me next week. Only 1 out of the 20 women is invited to my wedding. I'm sure they will give me a few gifts to which i plan to write each of them a thank-you-note for. I don't think I will feel any pressure to add them to my wedding invite list. When the shower is planned beyond your control, I don't think that leaves any obligation on your end other than properly thanking them for their generosity with a personal note.

misssunshine17

She sounds like a manipulative bitch. I wouldn't invite those people purely on principle since she'd then be getting what she wanted . I would return the gifts and tell everyone, that unfortunately FMIL knew the guest list and you're keeping it small and that you wouldn't feel right keeping the gift. 

KDM323

I'd tell your FI that you are really hurt by his mother's behaviors, she has put you in an uncomfortable position and then ask HIM how he'd like to handle it.

His mother = his problem.

madamebovary

Thanks for the replies everybody.

Ashleyep:

I unwrapped the gifts at the party.  What I meant was that I didn't take them out of the box in case I returned them to the givers. 

Starmoon44:

I also thought that it would be insulting to return the gifts.

I thought maybe I should write the absolutely most charming and grateful thank you notes I could muster and then explain the situation and ask if they would like me to return it.  That seems insulting too. DF says I should just write the notes, act like nothing happened without inviting them and if they think I'm horribly rude-oh well!

My DF was furious because of the position she's put us in and spoke to her about.  She isn't talking to us and threatened not to show up.  She and DF don't get along because we continued to socialize with future FIL after their divorce.

My DF and I are paying for everything because her money is never given without strings attached. She is not paying for anything.  Several times she insisted on paying for something but as soon as the bill comes its just too expensive for her.  Never mind that she lives in a private golfing community and gets a new car every year.

banana468

Your FI needs to lather, rinse and repeat. "Mom, the guest list is not changing. Period. There will be no discussion unless you'd like my input regarding how you can word your apology to my future wife for being so rude and putting her in an awkward position. "

ashleyep

KickAssMOH said:

She sounds nutttts. Sorry you have to deal with that. I'm getting married the week before you, and just found out that my coworkers are planning a shower for me next week. Only 1 out of the 20 women is invited to my wedding. I'm sure they will give me a few gifts to which i plan to write each of them a thank-you-note for. I don't think I will feel any pressure to add them to my wedding invite list. When the shower is planned beyond your control, I don't think that leaves any obligation on your end other than properly thanking them for their generosity with a personal note.

Work showers are an exception. If someone at work throws you a shower with your coworkers, you don't have to invite everyone and it's not poor etiquette.

banana468

He needs to call her bluff. "Mom, I want you at the wedding but if you feel you need to stay home and think about why your actions were poor, I understand. "

phira

Two big questions: Who is paying for the wedding, and what does your fiance have to say about the situation? Not that 1) your future mother-in-law is allowed to be an asshole if she's paying or 2) if your fiance doesn't care then neither should you. Just trying to get a better idea of the situation.

You didn't do anything wrong here. From the start, you told your future mother-in-law, "No, we are not inviting these people." She was entirely aware of that and even admitted to you (proudly!) that she surprised you with a shower specifically to force you to do what she wanted. She's SO in the wrong here that she's in an entirely new WRONG COUNTRY.

What would I do? You and your fiance (together, or just your fiance) should say, "We repeatedly told you that we were not inviting these people. We are appalled that you would try to force our hand by manipulating [madamebovary] into having a bridal shower with these people as guests. We will be returning the gifts, and we are embarrassed that you've put us in this situation."

Yes, I would return the gifts. And I would make it clear whose fault the problem is ("Thank you for the lovely gift. However, due to limitations in our budget and at our venue, we will not be able to invite you to our wedding in October. Unfortunately, [FMIL] still invited you to my surprise shower, knowing that you wouldn't be invited. We're so sorry for the misunderstanding, and so we cannot accept your generous gift."). Two possibilities:

1) The bridal shower guests are all lovely, kind people who had NO idea they weren't invited to the wedding. It would be unfair to them to keep their gifts and not invite them, since they're under the impression that they're invited. It's the nice thing to do. If they resend the gift (unlikely), they will be doing so with an understanding of the situation (and not because they're being misled).

2) The bridal shower guests are all jerks, and they knew the whole time that your future mother-in-law was being a sneaky asshole. Basically, they were in on it. In that case, screw them--they can have their gifts back and not have any leverage over you.

madamebovary

missshuneshine17:

I would NEVER invite any of these people for the reason you state-principle.  There is no way I'm letting her win. Give an inch and she'll take a mile.

I just don't want to be rude to all those ladies who were really so kind to me, especially since I had never met most of them.

Enough people here seem to agree that this is going to make her look bad instead of DF and me.

daveANDkristen

STARMOON44 said:

I think you write them each a lovely thank you note right now, keep the gifts, and he tells his Mom she's crazy. From my perspective, if an old friend randomly invited me to a shower, I'd be looking at it as a chance to reconnect with her and would have budgeted accordingly. I think your heart is in the right place with wanting to return things, but it will wind up insulting people who just wanted to do something nice for you.

I agree with this completely.

button6004

STARMOON44 said:

I think you write them each a lovely thank you note right now, keep the gifts, and he tells his Mom she's crazy. From my perspective, if an old friend randomly invited me to a shower, I'd be looking at it as a chance to reconnect with her and would have budgeted accordingly. I think your heart is in the right place with wanting to return things, but it will wind up insulting people who just wanted to do something nice for you.

Yes, this. I had a friend throw me a shower for work friends and she invited a former colleague that I don't work with anymore and have never been close to. The person came for the fun party and brought a generous gift. While I never intended to invite her, she isn't expecting an invite and would be hurt if I returned the gift.

That being said, I'm glad your FI is on the same page as you. I would not be spending any more time alone with crazy pants FMIL any time soon if I was you. What an awful person.

daveANDkristen

I don't think you should return the gifts right away.  Send a lovely thank you note that does not mention your FMIL's faux pas.  Leave the gifts in their packaging until after the wedding (this is recommended in any case).  If anyone asks for it back directly (which I highly doubt will happen), you should return them at that time.  If you draw attention to her fuck up, it will get back to your FMIL and this will be a much bigger deal than it already is. 

I get the impression that FMIL is very concerned about appearances.  She has probably been invited to the weddings of these friends, coworkers, etc. and their children, and wants her chance to show off both herself and her son.  However, her vision of the wedding differs from yours, and since she didn't want to contribute financially, your vision wins out.  She doesn't get to entertain her friends (who you and FI don't even have relationships with) on your dollar.

NYCMercedes

It is almost always rude to return a gift to the giver, as it implies you don't like the gift. The only situation I can think of is when a wedding is cancelled. You didn't goof. The mom did. Just be gracious in your thank you and let her answer the givers' questions about wedding invitations not received.

madamebovary

daveANDkristen:

YOU NAILED IT!

"I get the impression that FMIL is very concerned about appearances.  She has probably been invited to the weddings of these friends, coworkers, etc. and their children, and wants her chance to show off both herself and her son.  However, her vision of the wedding differs from yours, and since she didn't want to contribute financially, your vision wins out.  She doesn't get to entertain her friends (who you and FI don't even have relationships with) on your dollar."

You win the internet. Good job!

I think I'm going to take your advice.  I'll write the thank you's and if I hear any grumblings after the wedding I'll offer to return if necessary.

She thinks having a small wedding makes the family look poor.  She has actually said that out loud and is pissed because DF and me are laid back and low-key and don't like that level of attention.

daveANDkristen

madamebovary said:

She thinks having a small wedding makes the family look poor.  She has actually said that out loud and is pissed because DF and me are laid back and low-key and don't like that level of attention.

Ha!  You know what makes your familiy look poor (or maybe just greedy)?  Her inviting a bunch of people to a shower that aren't invited to the wedding.  "Hey everyone, we really can't afford to invite a lot of people to the wedding... in that vein, we also can't afford to buy our own household items.  So if you could bring a present and then not expect a wedding invtiation, that'd be great."

Your FMIL sounds like a manipulative douche. 

::pins on blue ribbon for interwebz:: Thanks for that!

WildMagelet

Wow.  Good for you and FI standing your ground.  It sounds like you have a long road ahead of you dealing with his mom, not just for the wedding, so I wish you the best of luck with her in the future.  Hopefully after this incident she'll figure out that you aren't going to give in to her manipulative BS and will tone it down.

I agree with PP who said to write a nice ty note now and wait a while until after the wedding to use the gift.  His mom committed the faux pas, not you, so it's her mess to clean up - not yours.  

kimmieryan0406

All I can say is...Wow.

Darlin, I don't know what proper etiquette is for this type of situation but let me just say if I were in your shoes, I would have thrown an absolute fit at her. That was totally out of line. Sorry, I have no constructive feedback, I just wanted you to know that I feel for you and I am so on your side with this one. Absolutely ridiculous, the things people try to get away with at weddings.

courtski2004

If she is threatening to not show up, call her bluff. No way no how should you invite these people, and she needs to be the one to communicate that to her friends if she ever implied that they would be getting an invitation. She knew that what she did was wrong, but did it anyway. She is the one that should have to eat crow on this.

If my MIL had pulled a stunt like this, I would have gone ballistic--kudos to you for keeping your cool and passing it to your FI to communicate with her about.

 

allispain

kimmieryan0406 said:

All I can say is...Wow.

Darlin, I don't know what proper etiquette is for this type of situation but let me just say if I were in your shoes, I would have thrown an absolute fit at her. That was totally out of line. Sorry, I have no constructive feedback, I just wanted you to know that I feel for you and I am so on your side with this one. Absolutely ridiculous, the things people try to get away with at weddings.

I second this. I applaud you for being able to handle being put in such an awkward position with grace. I probably would have locked myself in the bathroom and called DH to have him come down and tell his mom to back the hell off. Or I would have burst into tears. 50/50.

libby2483

Wow, your FMIL sounds manipulative.  If I were you, I would keep the gifts, write gracious thank you notes that don't mention the awkward situation, and NOT invite these people.  And then be thankful that your FMIL (and not you) is going to look like the asshat she is.