No Kids?

KM8914 · November 2013

When planning our wedding my Fiance and I decided that we wouldn't have kids at our wedding it starts at 7pm my Fiance's sisters decided that they didn't want to bring their sons , with them and their husbands in the wedding party it was too much and they wanted a night "off". So after that was discussed my FI and I said no kids. Well his cousin just got pregant and is expecting in May, she told my FI that she was going to come to the wedding with the baby ( now she does not know we are not having kids) . My FI and I do not know what the appropiate way to handle this is, since she essentially has no one to watch the new baby they live in Georgia and her husbands family lives out of the country. How do we handle this?

MrsMack10612 · November 2013

It is not required, but it is ok to give exceptions for newborns. They will most likely sleep the whole time and if she's BF'ing she won't really be able to leave the baby anyway.

Most people, even if you have strict no kids policy, will not side eye an infant.

Jen4948 · November 2013

I think the correct thing to do is to tell her that the baby is not invited because the wedding is adults only, and allow her to decline the invitation if she feels she needs to do that. You do not need to make an exception for her, and it was actually rude of her to just tell you she plans to bring the baby when she didn't know if it would be invited. You don't need to bend the rules for her if you're not doing it for anyone else, and it would probably piss the other parents off (justifiably) if this cousin could bring her baby while they couldn't bring their kids.

NYCBruin · November 2013

I would let her bring the baby. She probably won't be able to attend otherwise and you won't notice an infant.

It's fine to make exceptions to a general no kids policy. This is also why you should never tell people that you won't be inviting children other than by correctly addressing invitations. All people with children need to know is that they are invited (and that their children are not by virtue of their names not being on the invitation).

ETA clarity.

aurianna · November 2013

karamekler said:

When planning our wedding my Fiance and I decided that we wouldn't have kids at our wedding it starts at 7pm my Fiance's sisters decided that they didn't want to bring their sons , with them and their husbands in the wedding party it was too much and they wanted a night "off". So after that was discussed my FI and I said no kids. Well his cousin just got pregant and is expecting in May, she told my FI that she was going to come to the wedding with the baby ( now she does not know we are not having kids) . My FI and I do not know what the appropiate way to handle this is, since she essentially has no one to watch the new baby they live in Georgia and her husbands family lives out of the country. How do we handle this?

First, some clarification:
Your FSILs' not wanting to bring their sons should have no weight on your decision to not invite kids. They could leave their kids at home and have a "night off" whether you invite them or not. An invite isn't a summons so they can choose to leave their kids at home regardless if you invited them or not.

So if the only reason you're having a kids-free wedding is because of your FSILs, and you'd otherwise like kids there, feel free to invite them all.
If you're not having kids because you really don't want them there, that's another issue.

This is how you handle it:

1. Don't invite the baby. Only list her and her husband's name on the invite (also, I'd let her know word of mouth. Don't just tell her the kid is not invited, but perhaps tell his parents you're not inviting children who might spread it out to the family). Be prepared for possibly her husband and her to decline the invite. If they do so, accept it graciously.

or

2. Invite the baby also by name. Many couples make exceptions for infants. They don't eat any food, don't need a place setting (though they'll need a chair), and they mostly just sleep. Most reasonable people don't mind when an infant is brought, even if their own older child is excluded.

This is a judgement call. If you have a lot of guests that would get bent out of shape, is keeping them happy more or less important than his cousin's attending your wedding?

Good luck!

aurianna · November 2013

double post

Jen4948 · November 2013

NYCBruin said:

I would let her bring the baby. She probably won't be able to attend otherwise and you won't notice an infant.

It's fine to make exceptions to a general no kids policy. This is also why you should never tell people that you won't be inviting children other than by correctly addressing invitations. All people with children need to know is that they are invited (and that their children are not by virtue of their names not being on the invitation).

ETA clarity.

Infants do get noticed-especially if they're crying during the ceremony.

They are not entitled to invitations just because the mother was invited to something taking place soon after their birth.

And unfortunately, while omitting the names of uninvited children from the invitation is the correct etiquette, too many people don't understand that the absence of the name of their child, even their newborn, means that the child in question is not invited. So these parents need to be told-they don't figure it out for themselves or assume that they are entitled to exceptions to "adults only" rules-which they are not.

KM8914 · November 2013

I agree they do get noticed if they are crying during a ceremony, I also feel as if we do not go along with this that we will get a lot of backlash from his family. It is tough

Jen4948 · November 2013

karamekler said:

I agree they do get noticed if they are crying during a ceremony, I also feel as if we do not go along with this that we will get a lot of backlash from his family. It is tough

Yeah, that is tough. I sympathize.

By way of compromise, you could bend the "adults-only" rule for her, but insist that if the baby cries or is otherwise disruptive in any way, s/he must be removed immediately-the cousin and her SO cannot simply sit there and ignore it. This is obviously what any parent of a disruptive child at a wedding should do, but I think that someone who simply assumes without confirmation that their baby is invited even when you haven't so indicated needs to have this reinforced.

KM8914 · November 2013

Jen4948

That is helpful thank you, the last thing I want to do is hurt feelings.

Off topic does anyone know how to change your member name?

southernbelle0915 · November 2013

Etiquette wise, you can tell her yes or no. Reason is that it's perfectly within etiquette to have an adult only wedding. Of course you would NEVER print this on your invites/website or anything else - you just address the invites to who's invited and leave it there.

This is a judgement call. If you truly don't want kids at your wedding and/or you're worried about opening the flood gates by making this exception, it's fine to tell her no. You can provide her with a reference to a sitter since she's an OOT guest and she can accept or decline. If you're not worried about making an exception and you want to ensure she attends, then let her bring the kid. It'll cost you next to nothing. However, I would tell her that you're having an adult only wedding and to not talk to others about the exception you're making. In some families, I could see other cousins/aunts/uncles/friends saying "well, what about mine? you're making an exception for someone else.." Hopefully they would not be that overtly rude, but many parents think that way.

KM8914 · November 2013

That is my exact worry, that it will open the flood gate and people will be offended. I am learning through this process this is just one of the many things that is going to happen along the way.

My FI's mother essentially told us that we need to just let it go and let the baby come. Which I think I am ok with, but I like you pointed out I don't want people saying well why wasn't my child/baby invited. And the ceremony part worries me we are getting married at 7PM in August, so who knows if it will be hot and if that will make the baby fus.

There is so much to think about.

Jen4948 · November 2013

karamekler said:

That is my exact worry, that it will open the flood gate and people will be offended. I am learning through this process this is just one of the many things that is going to happen along the way.

My FI's mother essentially told us that we need to just let it go and let the baby come. Which I think I am ok with, but I like you pointed out I don't want people saying well why wasn't my child/baby invited. And the ceremony part worries me we are getting married at 7PM in August, so who knows if it will be hot and if that will make the baby fus.

There is so much to think about.

Did you mention this to your FI's mother? She can't insist unilaterally that the baby be invited and "just to let it go" if others are going to have a problem with it-even if she's contributing financially.

KM8914 · November 2013

I have not mentioned it to her, but I will talk with her about it.

Off topic I can't figure out how to change my membername and can't find anything on the website how did you set up yours? Do you know how to change it?

southernbelle0915 · November 2013

karamekler said:

That is my exact worry, that it will open the flood gate and people will be offended. I am learning through this process this is just one of the many things that is going to happen along the way.

My FI's mother essentially told us that we need to just let it go and let the baby come. Which I think I am ok with, but I like you pointed out I don't want people saying well why wasn't my child/baby invited. And the ceremony part worries me we are getting married at 7PM in August, so who knows if it will be hot and if that will make the baby fus.

There is so much to think about.

I had a kid free wedding. I didn't make any exceptions, but I also didn't have any parents with a newborn to worry about (youngest child was 1, I think). People asked off the cuff about kids and one asked on her RSVP card, but we followed up and it ended up being a non-issue. I know a couple of aunts gave my mom an earful (never said a word to me),

I honestly would not worry about the kid fussing. It's a baby - it'll probably fuss. If it doesn't, lucky you. Most polite parents would leave the ceremony/reception to not disturb others, but some are just rude about it. If you invite the child, you have to realize that this might happen and make peace with it.

Jen4948 · November 2013

southernbelle0915 said:

karamekler said:

That is my exact worry, that it will open the flood gate and people will be offended. I am learning through this process this is just one of the many things that is going to happen along the way.

My FI's mother essentially told us that we need to just let it go and let the baby come. Which I think I am ok with, but I like you pointed out I don't want people saying well why wasn't my child/baby invited. And the ceremony part worries me we are getting married at 7PM in August, so who knows if it will be hot and if that will make the baby fus.

There is so much to think about.

I had a kid free wedding. I didn't make any exceptions, but I also didn't have any parents with a newborn to worry about (youngest child was 1, I think). People asked off the cuff about kids and one asked on her RSVP card, but we followed up and it ended up being a non-issue. I know a couple of aunts gave my mom an earful (never said a word to me),

I honestly would not worry about the kid fussing. It's a baby - it'll probably fuss. If it doesn't, lucky you. Most polite parents would leave the ceremony/reception to not disturb others, but some are just rude about it. If you invite the child, you have to realize that this might happen and make peace with it.

The problem with "make peace with it" is, the OP and her FI have a duty to their guests to make sure that they are not disturbed-even by a newborn. Doing nothing about it, which seems to be what "making peace with it" suggests, conflicts with that duty. I think if the cousin and her SO don't remove the baby right away, someone needs to remind them to do so discreetly and quietly. It doesn't have to be confrontational, just a whispered "I'm sorry, but can you please take the baby out? Their crying is disturbing the guests" should be enough. But it cannot be omitted.

KatWAG · November 2013

karamekler said:

I have not mentioned it to her, but I will talk with her about it.

Off topic I can't figure out how to change my membername and can't find anything on the website how did you set up yours? Do you know how to change it?

@knotporcsha @knotjackie can help you change your member name.

RebeccaB88 · November 2013

Honestly, newborn or not, if I was told that no kids were invited, and another guest was there with their kids, I would have a problem with that. I would understand if you were only able to include family kids, though. That might be a good compromise for you. But I don't think you're required to include a nursing newborn in an invitation. The mom can decide if she wants to leave the baby with someone or not attend. That's just part of being a parent. Your in-laws can decide for themselves if they want to bring their kids or not, if you do invite them.

tammym1001 · November 2013

karamekler said:

I have not mentioned it to her, but I will talk with her about it.

Off topic I can't figure out how to change my membername and can't find anything on the website how did you set up yours? Do you know how to change it?

Send a PM to @knotporscha and ask her to change it for you.

doeydo · November 2013

@KnotPorscha can you help OP change her username?

Jen4948 said:

I think the correct thing to do is to tell her that the baby is not invited because the wedding is adults only, and allow her to decline the invitation if she feels she needs to do that. You do not need to make an exception for her, and it was actually rude of her to just tell you she plans to bring the baby when she didn't know if it would be invited. You don't need to bend the rules for her if you're not doing it for anyone else, and it would probably piss the other parents off (justifiably) if this cousin could bring her baby while they couldn't bring their kids.

I agree with all of this.

KM8914 · November 2013

thank you!

Jen4948 · November 2013

You're welcome!

KM8914 · November 2013

Jen4948 I thought it was rude too! Thanks !

aurianna · November 2013

Jen4948 said:

karamekler said:

I agree they do get noticed if they are crying during a ceremony, I also feel as if we do not go along with this that we will get a lot of backlash from his family. It is tough

Yeah, that is tough. I sympathize.

By way of compromise, you could bend the "adults-only" rule for her, but insist that if the baby cries or is otherwise disruptive in any way, s/he must be removed immediately-the cousin and her SO cannot simply sit there and ignore it. This is obviously what any parent of a disruptive child at a wedding should do, but I think that someone who simply assumes without confirmation that their baby is invited even when you haven't so indicated needs to have this reinforced.

No no no no. Do not say this to her. That's so insulting.
As said, it's obvious to most parents that this is what should be done, so to demand this of her to her face and act like she needs special instruction to do so, is demeaning.

This is how this conversation will come off:

"Dear welcome guest: I don't want people's brats at my wedding. However I am going to be super magnanimous and praise worthy, and grant you the special privilege of allowing your spawn at my event.
HOWEVER there is a list of demands you must follow. I am sure your child will be ill-behaved and dare to scream on MY day. I am also sure that you will be too stupid, rude, or both, to remove it (because seriously, why would a mother bother to care for her crying infant when she could just sit there and watch me in my white gown being beautiful?).
Be warned, if you do not follow my demands you will be punished. I'm not sure by who, because it's not like I'm going to stomp down the aisle in the middle of the ceremony to shun you (assuming I even notice the crying). But you'll be sorry!!"

Jen4948 usually gives good advice, but not this.

Not inviting the kid at all is not rude.
Inviting the kid, but attaching a list of demands / some sort of ultimatum, is totally rude.

ETA:
While it's somewhat rude to just assume your baby will be invited, if she's in a circle that usually invites kids, and she's wrapped up in the baby haze, it's an understandable, though incorrect, assumption. Just because she made it doesn't mean she's some uncouth villain that plans to have her baby cry and then leave its dirty diapers all around the venue.

aurianna · November 2013

Jen4948 · November 2013

aurianna said:

Jen4948 said:

karamekler said:

I agree they do get noticed if they are crying during a ceremony, I also feel as if we do not go along with this that we will get a lot of backlash from his family. It is tough

Yeah, that is tough. I sympathize.

By way of compromise, you could bend the "adults-only" rule for her, but insist that if the baby cries or is otherwise disruptive in any way, s/he must be removed immediately-the cousin and her SO cannot simply sit there and ignore it. This is obviously what any parent of a disruptive child at a wedding should do, but I think that someone who simply assumes without confirmation that their baby is invited even when you haven't so indicated needs to have this reinforced.

No no no no. Do not say this to her. That's so insulting.
As said, it's obvious to most parents that this is what should be done, so to demand this of her to her face and act like she needs special instruction to do so, is demeaning.

This is how this conversation will come off:

"Dear welcome guest: I don't want people's brats at my wedding. However I am going to be super magnanimous and praise worthy, and grant you the special privilege of allowing your spawn at my event.
HOWEVER there is a list of demands you must follow. I am sure your child will be ill-behaved and dare to scream on MY day. I am also sure that you will be too stupid, rude, or both, to remove it (because seriously, why would a mother bother to care for her crying infant when she could just sit there and watch me in my white gown being beautiful?).
Be warned, if you do not follow my demands you will be punished. I'm not sure by who, because it's not like I'm going to stomp down the aisle in the middle of the ceremony to shun you (assuming I even notice the crying). But you'll be sorry!!"

Jen4948 usually gives good advice, but not this.

Not inviting the kid at all is not rude.
Inviting the kid, but attaching a list of demands / some sort of ultimatum, is totally rude.

Sorry, but I don't agree. This is a woman who has already been rude by attaching an inappropriate demand that her kid be automatically invited. So the correct etiquette is not "obvious" to her and just leaving her alone to figure it out isn't working. She needs to understand that it's not okay for her to set the terms on which her kid is invited. If her kid is disruptive and she does nothing, it has to be made clear to her that sitting on her butt while it cries is not okay.

mmm4763 · November 2013

I feel like such a Bridezilla saying this...

But the whole reality that those of us who are choosing to have child-free weddings (myself included) AND who follow proper etiquette (only addressing the invites to the parents, creating response cards with "X seats" have been reserved in your honor, etc, etc) AND yet STILL have to walk on eggshells when guests DON'T GET IT....it really makes me angry/upset!

It's like REALLY??? One more thing to have to mitigate and navigate through family politics (especially when on FH's side) and stress over how to handle when theoretically you tried to handle it by being polite (and direct) the first time around.

*sigh*

/end rant

Jen4948 · November 2013

mmm4763 said:

I feel like such a Bridezilla saying this...

But the whole reality that those of us who are choosing to have child-free weddings (myself included) AND who follow proper etiquette (only addressing the invites to the parents, creating response cards with "X seats" have been reserved in your honor, etc, etc) AND yet STILL have to walk on eggshells when guests DON'T GET IT....it really makes me angry/upset!

It's like REALLY??? One more thing to have to mitigate and navigate through family politics (especially when on FH's side) and stress over how to handle when theoretically you tried to handle it by being polite (and direct) the first time around.

*sigh*

/end rant

You're not a bridezilla for saying this. It is very frustrating when you do everything right and people still give you a hard time.

cowgirl8238 · November 2013

Jen4948 said:

mmm4763 said:

I feel like such a Bridezilla saying this...

But the whole reality that those of us who are choosing to have child-free weddings (myself included) AND who follow proper etiquette (only addressing the invites to the parents, creating response cards with "X seats" have been reserved in your honor, etc, etc) AND yet STILL have to walk on eggshells when guests DON'T GET IT....it really makes me angry/upset!

It's like REALLY??? One more thing to have to mitigate and navigate through family politics (especially when on FH's side) and stress over how to handle when theoretically you tried to handle it by being polite (and direct) the first time around.

*sigh*

/end rant

You're not a bridezilla for saying this. It is very frustrating when you do everything right and people still give you a hard time.

I understand your point completely. I do have to agree with aurianna though, even if someone is rude enough to add their infant to the rsvp you should not tell her how to parent her child with threats/confrontation. Honestly I think most people will know better, and to push it in her face will come across as rude, even if you're rtying not to be rude.

There is nothing wrong with having no kids, or some kids (within circles will help avoid drama), or having all kids. I do think that newborns can be an acceptable exception to the "no-kids" rule, but again it works best if all infants are included. The guest list is up to you, and I understand your frustration with trying to do everything properly, but you just can't please everyone. Good luck with your planning!

NYCBruin · November 2013

RebeccaB88 said:

Honestly, newborn or not, if I was told that no kids were invited, and another guest was there with their kids, I would have a problem with that. I would understand if you were only able to include family kids, though. That might be a good compromise for you. But I don't think you're required to include a nursing newborn in an invitation. The mom can decide if she wants to leave the baby with someone or not attend. That's just part of being a parent. Your in-laws can decide for themselves if they want to bring their kids or not, if you do invite them.

But this should never happen. Guests should not be told "there will be no children" or "it's adults only." All guests need to know if they RSVP for uninvited children is "I'm sorry for any confusion, but the invitation was just for you and so-and-so, I hope you'll still be able to join us."

If someone makes the assumption that because their precious snowflake wasn't invited that must mean no children are invited, that's on them, not on the couple.

KM8914 · November 2013

You are so right you can't please everyone I am learning this through the process..... sometimes we wish we eloped is that normal anyone? HAH

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