Seriously, can people just RSVP already? vent

kitty8403 · June 2014

I can't be the only one feeling this way.
Invitations have been out for two weeks. I have a (IMO) huge list. Lots of people out of state or with a zillion kids. And in all that time, we've gotten something like 1/7th of the responses back.
I still have a week and a half till deadline, but it's still driving me nuts. There are so many things just stuck on hold--I don't know whether I can afford certain upgrades, or if I'll need to forgo certain things, because I have absolutely no idea what our final list/size is going to be. Do I need to rent extra seating? Reserve a tent? Downgrade the bar? Can I hire a band or ceremony musicians as well as a DJ? Will there be enough money for centerpieces? What do I tell the florist? Ugh. Come onnnnnnnn people, is it really that hard to turn in a card--or at least e-mail me?

FizzySips · June 2014

Invitations typically go out 8 weeks prior to your wedding, with a RSVP date 2 weeks prior. Your timeline (invites out 2 weeks ago, RSVP date in 1.5 weeks) makes it seem that your RSVP due date is early. Early RSVP dates typically have fewer responses because people actually don't know if they can attend yet. Give people time to figure out their schedules, but you probably will get the bulk of your RSVPs much closer to the date, if not after.

RebeccaFlower · June 2014

I'm curious your date/when you sent the invite and RSVP date.

On a general note, people really do suck at rsvp-ing. I don't understand why it's so hard to check a box and lick an envelope.

melbelleup · June 2014

kitty8403 said:

I can't be the only one feeling this way. Invitations have been out for two weeks. I have a (IMO) huge list. Lots of people out of state or with a zillion kids. And in all that time, we've gotten something like 1/7th of the responses back. I still have a week and a half till deadline, but it's still driving me nuts. There are so many things just stuck on hold--I don't know whether I can afford certain upgrades, or if I'll need to forgo certain things, because I have absolutely no idea what our final list/size is going to be. Do I need to rent extra seating? Reserve a tent? Downgrade the bar? Can I hire a band or ceremony musicians as well as a DJ? Will there be enough money for centerpieces? What do I tell the florist? Ugh. Come onnnnnnnn people, is it really that hard to turn in a card--or at least e-mail me?

ha! My deadline has passed and I'm still missing 20+... so don't hold your breath. We're starting to call on Sunday.

melbelleup · June 2014

RebeccaFlower said:

I'm curious your date/when you sent the invite and RSVP date.

On a general note, people really do suck at rsvp-ing. I don't understand why it's so hard to check a box and lick an envelope.

Biggest pet peeve ever... especially those who check the box they're not coming, but then don't write their name.... soooo who's not coming? Thank god for numbering envelopes.

kitty8403 · June 2014

Re the questions about the response date -- I sent invitations at 6 weeks. (I was under the impression that 6-8 weeks is standard, 10 is OK, and 12 is pushing it). They have about 3-3.5 weeks to RSVP (I had a lot to hand write, so some have a slightly longer lead time than others). Also I'm assuming I have to give 1 or 2 days to allow for stragglers in the mail.

ETA: I did STDs about 7 months out for OOT guests and extended family. And any locals have already known about the engagement for awhile, so it's not exactly like the info is coming out of left field.

kitty8403 · June 2014

That allows me basically half a week to round up everybody who still doesn't have their sh*t together, (edit: forgot to add, "and two weeks") to get numbers to the caterer, finalize things with the florist, get escort cards/seating arrangements done, prep for a ton of out-of-town houseguests, order and receive supplies (linens, tableware, decor, any last-minute items), price out the bar (ours is DIY), figure out if I need more rentals, determine if I have any extra play money for things like my own accessories or a groom gift, and so forth. I'd rather be starting that process sooner if I can! Would have loved to get things out earlier, but we were stuck waiting on $$$.

NYCMercedes · June 2014

I know it must be hard, but relax. You can't affect people's behavior. Many of your guests won't even mail them until the due date. Then you'll need to wait another four to six days for the mail service before you start calling the stragglers. Try to estimate from your conversations with your guests who is and who isn't coming and use that estimated number to continue your plans.

wrigleyville · June 2014

kitty8403 said:

Re the questions about the response date -- I sent invitations at 6 weeks. (I was under the impression that 6-8 weeks is standard, 10 is OK, and 12 is pushing it). They have about 3-3.5 weeks to RSVP (I had a lot to hand write, so some have a slightly longer lead time than others). Also I'm assuming I have to give 1 or 2 days to allow for stragglers in the mail.

ETA: I did STDs about 7 months out for OOT guests and extended family. And any locals have already known about the engagement for awhile, so it's not exactly like the info is coming out of left field.

That doesn't mean they've had their answer for that long. Some people have to wait on work schedules. Some people have to make sure they have enough money to pay for travel. Etc.

artbyallie · June 2014

You have to realize people do like with any deadline--procrastinate til the last minute. That may be because they need to ask for time off work or figure out if they have other events that day or whatever, but many people will not even drop the RSVP in the mail until the date on it. So you wait 3-4 days after your due date and then start calling. It's not fair to expect people to rsvp before the time you've requested they do so.

STARMOON44 · June 2014

I never get this complaint. You gave them a deadline. There is nothing wrong with them using the time available. Your wedding is not their priority. Calm down. If you haven't heard 3 days post-deadline then you can be annoyed.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

I have a wedding invitation sitting on my coffee table. I got it on May 1st. The RSVP due date is June 20th. The wedding is on August 2nd. I'll be waiting until at least June 18th to send the RSVP back since I don't know if I can go to the wedding yet. I probably won't know on June 18th, but will probably just say I can't go unless I know for sure that I can. I'm sure the host (my aunt) and the bride (my cousin) are plenty annoyed with me, but I just can't commit to a 10 hour drive to a podunk town this early. We're looking to buy a house and I'm still a temp at my job and have zero vacation days.

manateehugger · June 2014

My deadline is Saturday. About 1/3 of our RSVPs haven't come in. People just procrastinate.

RebeccaFlower · June 2014

OP, it sounds like your timeline was perfectly fine. It does seem like many haven't RSVPed, so what I would do is make a list and get alternate ways of communicating to get their RSVP so it's ready if you need it. DO NOT get in touch before the deadline, even wait 2-3 days if they drop it in the mail the day of the RSVP date.

huskypuppy14 · June 2014

I got lucky; there were only a few people we had to follow up with. A couple people did change their RSVP though in the last week. One person is the GF of a groomsman, and she had another wedding to go to that day. Apparently that wedding is called off, so she can come to ours, yay!

A family member of my FI has been sick, so they originally had RSVP yes, but now they can't come. No biggie, things happen.

melbenso · June 2014

We are in the process of tracking down our non-RSVPers now. Finding it terribly annoying. Mostly because everyone we haven't tracked down is a friend or family member of FI and he isn't terribly interested in calling his people to see if they are coming (or if we know they are coming, to determine which meal choice to serve them). We've got about a week until we have to get final numbers to our caterer, but it's really starting to drive me crazy. I'd like to be able to finalize seating assignments so I have plenty of time to get our escort cards done.

kgd7357 · June 2014

Ours is tomorrow and we are missing about 40/216. Not terrible. About 15 of them told us verbally one way or another. We did reach out to people that didn't RSVP yet this week to let them know that the hotels rooms in our block are cancelable, but the block rate expires tomorrow (it actually does). We figured this may remind people if they forgot. Our wedding is 3 weeks from Saturday, and we need to give the head count 2 weeks out, so we'll probably start making the calls Tuesday or Wednesday.

I feel ya though. We have been antsy. It was nice getting in enough nos early to let us decide to add a shuttle service between the hotels and the wedding that we couldn't have afforded had we gotten more yeses.

Cookie Pusher · June 2014

We're about 2 weeks from our RSVP deadline and have half of them. It's nerve-wracking because our hotel block closes earlier than our RSVP date (I pushed it as hard as I could with the hotel but they have 2 other weddings booked the same weekend). We've seen people book rooms but don't have their RSVPs yet so not sure how many of the seats we allotted for them are being filled. But eh, we're staying calm about it because we know that even when we get all the responses back, things will still change. Nothing is definite until people actually show up or don't.

wrigleyville · June 2014

We got a flood of responses on the deadline and the day after. Once we were three days past the deadline and a couple days away from our catering deadline, I started making phone calls. Luckily, I only had to call three people.

Long story, short: most people mail them the day before or the day of the deadline. They're like taxes.

kitty8403 · June 2014

STARMOON44 said:
I never get this complaint. You gave them a deadline. There is nothing wrong with them using the time available. Your wedding is not their priority. Calm down. If you haven't heard 3 days post-deadline then you can be annoyed.

I know we gave a very standard deadline. But the rest of us have deadlines, too. That's what makes this so frustrating. I hate this last-minute BS. If you've had six months' notice, you can pick up the damn phone and say, "we are trying to come" or "we have no intention of going."
In a perfect world, it would be socially acceptable to ask for at least a month's notice (I'm not even worried about total yeses yet. Just want a "definite maybe" or "definite no." Just tell me who NOT to plan for.) Right now I don't know whether we're trying to accommodate 100 or 300 yet. That's an enormous difference, budget wise. FFS, don't make me shell out five hundred bucks for a party tent if we aren't even going to need it.

kitty8403 · June 2014

We DIDN'T B-list. But this kind of thing sure makes me understand why people want to do that so much.

lyndausvi · June 2014

I get the frustration but it's not your guests fault you are planning the way you are. You gave them a deadline the deadline is still 10 days out. They have only had the invites for 10 or so days anyway. Relax. It will all come together.

kitty8403 · June 2014

Cookie Pusher said:
We're about 2 weeks from our RSVP deadline and have half of them. It's nerve-wracking because our hotel block closes earlier than our RSVP date (I pushed it as hard as I could with the hotel but they have 2 other weddings booked the same weekend). We've seen people book rooms but don't have their RSVPs yet so not sure how many of the seats we allotted for them are being filled. But eh, we're staying calm about it because we know that even when we get all the responses back, things will still change. Nothing is definite until people actually show up or don't.

Our hotel block closed early too, but they agreed to keep honoring our rate as long as the rooms were still open.
Sorry, I probably sound more pissed than I realize. I know it's the nature of the beast. But we are DIY on so much--it's not like I have a bar on standby that can just add things at the door and send us a bill--I need an approximate headcount, then I have to go shopping. Same for determining place settings, table covers and decor, etc. The only thing I'm not doing myself is the catering and flowers.
Having a vendor do it all probably would make a difference, but our venue comes with zero service. Everything is our job to figure out and organize.

STARMOON44 · June 2014

kitty8403 said:

STARMOON44 said:
I never get this complaint. You gave them a deadline. There is nothing wrong with them using the time available. Your wedding is not their priority. Calm down. If you haven't heard 3 days post-deadline then you can be annoyed.

I know we gave a very standard deadline. But the rest of us have deadlines, too. That's what makes this so frustrating. I hate this last-minute BS. If you've had six months' notice, you can pick up the damn phone and say, "we are trying to come" or "we have no intention of going."
In a perfect world, it would be socially acceptable to ask for at least a month's notice (I'm not even worried about total yeses yet. Just want a "definite maybe" or "definite no." Just tell me who NOT to plan for.) Right now I don't know whether we're trying to accommodate 100 or 300 yet. That's an enormous difference, budget wise. FFS, don't make me shell out five hundred bucks for a party tent if we aren't even going to need it.

Again. If your deadline you chose is give you problems that is your fault. Your guests are doing absolutely 100% nothing wrong.

kitty8403 · June 2014

STARMOON44 said: I never get this complaint. You gave them a deadline. There is nothing wrong with them using the time available. Your wedding is not their priority. Calm down. If you haven't heard 3 days post-deadline then you can be annoyed. I know we gave a very standard deadline. But the rest of us have deadlines, too. That's what makes this so frustrating. I hate this last-minute BS. If you've had six months' notice, you can pick up the damn phone and say, "we are trying to come" or "we have no intention of going." In a perfect world, it would be socially acceptable to ask for at least a month's notice (I'm not even worried about total yeses yet. Just want a "definite maybe" or "definite no." Just tell me who NOT to plan for.) Right now I don't know whether we're trying to accommodate 100 or 300 yet. That's an enormous difference, budget wise. FFS, don't make me shell out five hundred bucks for a party tent if we aren't even going to need it. Again. If your deadline you chose is give you problems that is your fault. Your guests are doing absolutely 100% nothing wrong.

---SIB!---
I didn't say anybody in particular was doing anything "wrong." I'm not blaming anybody, and I'm not even mad (yet). I AM frustrated and could stand to let off a little steam. I'm very thankful for those who have given the basic courtesy of some type of prompt response!
If you definitely know you cannot come to someone else's event, or you just don't want to go, then waiting till the last second to say so is rude. If you're really, truly working out your schedule, no biggie. But it's nice if you can, like, tell your host that.

Deadline means "this is when this is supposed to be done." Not three days, or a week, or a week and a half after. It all needs to be finished *before* this date. There is shit to do once this date passes. I am betting that most people, considering the small number of responses and the fact that they have already had two weeks (and general statistics with RSVPs) are not going to make deadline. I could handle 10 or 20 stragglers. I am not at all thrilled by the prospect of making calls and tracking down literally hundreds of people, many of whom I don't even know, because they can't be bothered to give a 30-second heads up. It is rude to put any host in that position. I am not allowed to blow deadlines in my field. Blown deadlines (or the likelihood of a blown deadline) make me pretty edgy, sorry.

What I did say is that I am extremely annoyed that the standard "acceptable" RSVP deadline, which is all but mandated by wedding etiquette, is so short. We are following that rule, but 2 weeks is not really enough time to do all of the things I would prefer to have done in advance. If it were not such a huge no-no to not set the RSVP deadline so far ahead, I would have made it now, not almost two weeks from now. So I guess it is my "fault," but we're just doing what everybody says is the right thing. Doesn't make it any less irritating.

RebeccaFlower · June 2014

Okay, I was on your side until you got all rant-y. I get you want to do stuff, but it's not going to happen, so why don't you go get a margarita and chill the fuck out. There is no reason to get so worked up.

RebeccaFlower · June 2014

kitty8403 said:

STARMOON44 said:

I never get this complaint. You gave them a deadline. There is nothing wrong with them using the time available. Your wedding is not their priority. Calm down. If you haven't heard 3 days post-deadline then you can be annoyed.
I know we gave a very standard deadline. But the rest of us have deadlines, too. That's what makes this so frustrating. I hate this last-minute BS. If you've had six months' notice, you can pick up the damn phone and say, "we are trying to come" or "we have no intention of going." In a perfect world, it would be socially acceptable to ask for at least a month's notice (I'm not even worried about total yeses yet. Just want a "definite maybe" or "definite no." Just tell me who NOT to plan for.) Right now I don't know whether we're trying to accommodate 100 or 300 yet. That's an enormous difference, budget wise. FFS, don't make me shell out five hundred bucks for a party tent if we aren't even going to need it.
Again. If your deadline you chose is give you problems that is your fault. Your guests are doing absolutely 100% nothing wrong.

I didn't say they were doing anything "wrong." I'm very thankful for those who have given the basic courtesy of some type of response, though!
If you definitely know you cannot come, or you just don't want to go, then waiting till the last second and then some to say so is rude. If you're really, truly working out your schedule, no biggie. But it's nice if you can, like, tell your host that.

Deadline means "this is when this is supposed to be done." Not three days, or a week, or a week and a half after. Do it before this date. There is shit to do once this date passes. I am betting that most people, considering the small number of responses and the fact that they have already had two weeks, are not going to make deadline. I am not thrilled by the prospect of making calls and tracking down more than 200 people because they can't be bothered to give me a 30-second heads up. I am not allowed to blow deadlines in my field. I take them extremely seriously. Blown deadlines (or the likelihood of a blown deadline) make me pretty edgy.

What I did say is that I am extremely annoyed that the standard "acceptable" deadline, which is all but mandated by wedding etiquette, is so short. We are following that rule, but 2 weeks is not really enough time to do all of the things I would prefer to have done in advance. If it were not such a huge no-no to not set the RSVP deadline so far ahead, I would have made it now, not almost two weeks from now. So I guess it is my "fault," but we're just doing what everybody says is the right thing. Doesn't make it any less irritating. JIC.

kitty8403 · June 2014

Rebecca, I'm not trying to go batshit here, I promise. I didn't appreciate being told to calm down. I'm not a child, and I'm not worked up. However, I do think people taking forever to give a very simple response is a rudeness problem that a ton of people have to deal with, not just me.

ETA: I'm genuinely sorry (to everybody) if anything I said came across as too "ranty." I really don't mean it that way, and I'm having the day from hell as it is. I wanted to just focus on the simple fact that not sending in RSVPs is rude and puts other people in un-fun positions sometimes. And I suppose I truly do not understand this attitude that completely ignoring a would-be host until the last possible moment is socially acceptable. I understand forgetting or losing things, or working out conflicts. But PPs seem to be suggesting that it is ok to wait just to wait, and that makes no sense to me. Having three weeks to give a response shouldn't mean it's OK to deliberately take advantage of someone else's time and generosity.

kitty8403 · June 2014

Look. It's not fair to tell brides, "it's never appropriate to set your RSVP date more than 2-3 weeks out" and at the same time say, "well if people you can't control are running late and making you feel rushed/scramble to take care of everything, then it's your own fault."

jdluvr06 · June 2014

RebeccaFlower said:

I'm curious your date/when you sent the invite and RSVP date.

On a general note, people really do suck at rsvp-ing. I don't understand why it's so hard to check a box and lick an envelope.

As a person who regularly figures to send back RSVPs I can answer that question. They are very easy to forget when you don't typically send mail. FI and I do everything online. The only mail we usually get is junk mail so unless I know the invite is coming there is a chance it won't make it from the mail box to the house before a person's RSVP date, let alone that I will remember to put the response card in the mailbox. Obviously, I can't speak for every one who is bad about RSVPs but for us (FI and I) it is very easy to forget.

STARMOON44 · June 2014

It isn't rude!!! They are not being rude!!!!!! If you want to rant about them missing the deadline fine. But for now they haven't so they have done absolutely nothing rude. That's what you're not getting.

Seriously, can people just RSVP already? vent

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