Guest List-- Want to cut out "plus ones" to make room for more friends!

mverellen · July 2014

My fiance and I planned on inviting no more than 150 people because we really can't afford any more than that and our venue is limited to 175. We finished up our guest list with a grand total of 190 people to invite. I am inviting a lot of my college friends who live a few hours away. I don't want to have to cut any friends so is it acceptable to invite them without a "plus one" to keep the numbers down? We do plan to invite significant others if we know about them but is it okay to invite a bunch of single friends who all know each other and who will be traveling a few hours to the wedding without a guest? Its probably worth mentioning that it's two days after Christmas, so we think we'll have a lot of people unable to make it, but I don't want to bank on that. Thank you in advance for your help!

manateehugger · July 2014

mverellen said:

My fiance and I planned on inviting no more than 150 people because we really can't afford any more than that and our venue is limited to 175. We finished up our guest list with a grand total of 190 people to invite. I am inviting a lot of my college friends who live a few hours away. I don't want to have to cut any friends so is it acceptable to invite them without a "plus one" to keep the numbers down? We do plan to invite significant others if they are significant (meaning we know their name and they've been together for a while) but is it okay to invite a bunch of single friends who all know each other and who will be traveling a few hours to the wedding without a guest? Its probably worth mentioning that it's two days after Christmas, so we think we'll have a lot of people unable to make it, but I don't want to bank on that. Thank you in advance for your help!

Please do not decide what relationships are significant and what relationships are not. If someone is calling someone else their boyfriend/girlfriend/partner, that someone should be invited.

If you have truly single guests (as in they would respond to the question, "Are you in a relationship?" with a definitive, "No"), you do not need to extend the option of bringing a plus one to them.

Couggal12 · July 2014

What do you mean by "we do plan to invite significant other if they are significant"? You should invite all people in relationships no matter how long they've been dating...a month, a year, ten years, etc. It's not your job to determine that. Now if they're truly single then yes, you do not need to extend them the option of a plus one.

kat1114 · July 2014

For truly single guests, we are only extending plus ones to those that don't know anyone else at the wedding because it sucks to go to a wedding alone when you don't know anyone there. For single guests that know a ton of people, we aren't doing plus ones.

But we are giving plus ones to anyone that's in a relationship, whether we have met their SO or not. When you consider yourself in a relationship and your SO is not invited to a wedding with you, it really sucks.

mverellen · July 2014

I guess that sounded worse than I meant it to... By significant, I meant someone they'd be comfortable asking to drive 3 hours with to come to a wedding for someone they don't know. It's hard to know when you send out invitations two months in advance if someone will start seriously dating someone in that time. I didn't mean some relationships weren't worthy of our wedding, just that I would invite people that I knew were in relationships together!

JCbride2015 · July 2014

You don't get to judge somebody's relationship based on whether they've been together "a while" or not. If you ask that person if they have a bf/gf and they say "yes," they must be invited together. Period.

But if your friends are actually single, there is no need to give them a plus one. A plus-one for truly single guests is nice, but certainly not required.

manateehugger · July 2014

mverellen said:

I guess that sounded worse than I meant it to... By significant, I meant someone they'd be comfortable asking to drive 3 hours with to come to a wedding for someone they don't know. It's hard to know when you send out invitations two months in advance if someone will start seriously dating someone in that time. I didn't mean some relationships weren't worthy of our wedding, just that I would invite people that I knew were in relationships together!

If I wasn't sure of dating status, I stalked and if FB failed me, I just shot a text (or made H do it for his friends).

If someone starts dating someone after the invitations go out, you aren't obligated to invite them (though I personally would try to squeeze them in if you are made aware of the situation).

Couggal12 · July 2014

mverellen said:

I guess that sounded worse than I meant it to... By significant, I meant someone they'd be comfortable asking to drive 3 hours with to come to a wedding for someone they don't know. It's hard to know when you send out invitations two months in advance if someone will start seriously dating someone in that time. I didn't mean some relationships weren't worthy of our wedding, just that I would invite people that I knew were in relationships together!

Well, if someone is truly single and is invited your wedding then no it's okay to not offer them a plus one. However, if by the time you send your invitations out and they are dating someone then you should plan for them to be able to bring that person. Even if it means they haven't been together for very long. So in theory your should plan between now and your wedding that any of your single guests can start dating someone.

JCbride2015 · July 2014

mverellen said:

I guess that sounded worse than I meant it to... By significant, I meant someone they'd be comfortable asking to drive 3 hours with to come to a wedding for someone they don't know. It's hard to know when you send out invitations two months in advance if someone will start seriously dating someone in that time. I didn't mean some relationships weren't worthy of our wedding, just that I would invite people that I knew were in relationships together!

Around the time your invitations go out, just either FB stalk or pick up the phone and ask your friends if they are in a relationship. It's up to them to say yes or no.

If they start a new relationship in the time in between when invites go out and the actual wedding, that's your de facto date cutoff. It would be nice to squeeze them in if you can, but you don't have to invite them.

lyndausvi · July 2014

If they are truly single then yes its okay not to give them a plus one.

That said here are things you need to think of:

If they do not know many other people, give them one anyway.

It's very possible for a single person to enter into a relationship during the course of your engagement. Always add 10% or so to your number just in case. The extra padding also helps if you becomes better friends with someone during the course of your engagement also.

climbingsingle · July 2014

Truly single people don't need to be invited with a guest. But if someone considers them self in a relationship, you need to invite their SO.

It's OK to ask people. One of my good friends is in an on/off relationship. I contacted her to see if they were still together.

southernbelle0915 · July 2014

From an etiquette standpoint, a few things to keep in mind: 1) If someone considers themselves in a relationship (not whether you do), their SO needs to be invited. 2) Invite SOs by name (not "and Guest") you can find out name and spelling by text, email, FB msg or phone call 3) If you're not sure if someone is in a relationship (not everyone broadcasts over FB), find out so you can make the right call. It sounds like you're going to have to make some pretty serious cuts. Definitely resist the temptation to over-invite. If you lurk on a few of these boards, you'll see people who over-invited because they assumed some would say no.... Bad wedding horror stories! ETF: paragraphs just aren't working for me today. Sorry!

OliveOilsMom · July 2014

Make sure you do not invite more than 175 people. If you send out invites to 190 people and more than 175 people say they are attending, then what are you going to do? Is your plan to leave off plus ones to stay below 175?

lennonkdc · July 2014

Its widely suggested that to avoid this all stress of 'last min' SO's that you tentatively plan for all single guests to be in a relationship and therefore give them a +1 at least for planning purposes. That way you're not in a bind if people start dating.

When FI and I started planning, the very first thing we did was set our 'in a perfect world guest list' of all the people we wanted to invite, including plus ones for every guest. Based on the number we set a budget and looked at venues. We then found a venue that could fit that many, and we knew that our max budget would allow us to host everyone. We then only sent STD to family. Before we sent out invites we went through the guest list one last time, and because relationships change over the course of a 2+ year engagement, we were able to cut some people and add others because we knew we had the room and the money.

The guest list was, at least for me, the most stressful part of wedding planning because I had so many people I wanted to invite. But people understand that you can't invite everyone, and I for one would rather not be invited to a wedding then invited without my FI just b/c the couple also wanted to invite their kickball teammates...

mverellen · July 2014

Yes. We've already cut off some people to try to keep it under the venue limit of 175 since we can't bank on people not showing up. We really need to cut down to closer to our goal of 150 because of the cost of inviting 25 extra people. I was thinking the best way to cut down the number was to invite single friends without the plus one. I know that it sucks to get a solo invite, especially when you're in a relationship because it happened to my fiance and I was mad since the couple knew about me and had met me a few times. Now planning my own wedding, I'd rather have all of my friends invited without a guest (unless they are in a relationship) than invite just few friends plus guest that we don't even know. My friends all know each other and still hang out when we can see each other, so I think we'd avoid the awkwardness of someone not knowing anybody else at the wedding. Just trying to cut down the guest list in the best, least guest-offending way!

jneen101 · July 2014

mverellen said:

I was thinking the best way to cut down the number was to invite single friends without the plus one. I know that it sucks to get a solo invite, especially when you're in a relationship

Well if they are in a relationship then they aren't single and they should be invited with their boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever.

lennonkdc · July 2014

@mverellen, keep in mind that the 175 number also has to include you and FI the wedding party and your vendors! My advice would be to cut to 150 while planning on giving every guest a +1 as a cushion. Don't send STD's (or send them just to family) and then go over the GL one last time before sending out invites, if people are single the week invites go out, then invite them solo. But if not you've at least built in some wiggle room. And remember, the only part of your wedding day thats about you is the ceremony, everything else should be focused on your guests!

If we had set our guestlist in stone when we first got engaged, FI's Bro wouldn't be able to bring his wife or 1yo daugher.

lyndausvi · July 2014

I love when people say something sucks, but will go with it anyway.

I'm in the camp that I would rather not get an invite if getting invite means my BF isn't invited or I'm hosted improperly.

People actually do get the concept that not everyone can be invited. True story.

mverellen · July 2014

I said we would be inviting significant others if they have them............ So if someone has a boyfriend/girlfriend/pet frog, we'd invite them both. I'm talking about people we know to be single, now, at this point in time. We just don't have the ability to invite everybody plus a guest that we may or may not even know. Like I said, we were just trying to come up with the best way to invite everyone who should be invited and not violate our contract with the venue by having too many guests or have to file bankruptcy afterward... We've already signed the contract and are limited to a budget of what we can afford, not what our guest list allots us. So the best way to save, unfortunately, is to cut down the guest list. That's all I'm trying to do!

southernbelle0915 · July 2014

mverellen said:

I said we would be inviting significant others if they have them............ So if someone has a boyfriend/girlfriend/pet frog, we'd invite them both. I'm talking about people we know to be single, now, at this point in time. We just don't have the ability to invite everybody plus a guest that we may or may not even know. Like I said, we were just trying to come up with the best way to invite everyone who should be invited and not violate our contract with the venue by having too many guests or have to file bankruptcy afterward... We've already signed the contract and are limited to a budget of what we can afford, not what our guest list allots us. So the best way to save, unfortunately, is to cut down the guest list. That's all I'm trying to do!

From an etiquette standpoint, truly single people do not need a plus-one. Truly single means single when you send the invitation. It's best to double check with people right before you send out invites to make sure you don't accidentally miss someone.

lennonkdc · July 2014

southernbelle0915 said:

mverellen said:

I said we would be inviting significant others if they have them............ So if someone has a boyfriend/girlfriend/pet frog, we'd invite them both. I'm talking about people we know to be single, now, at this point in time. We just don't have the ability to invite everybody plus a guest that we may or may not even know. Like I said, we were just trying to come up with the best way to invite everyone who should be invited and not violate our contract with the venue by having too many guests or have to file bankruptcy afterward... We've already signed the contract and are limited to a budget of what we can afford, not what our guest list allots us. So the best way to save, unfortunately, is to cut down the guest list. That's all I'm trying to do!

From an etiquette standpoint, truly single people do not need a plus-one. Truly single means single when you send the invitation. It's best to double check with people right before you send out invites to make sure you don't accidentally miss someone.

SITB:

Look none of us are made of money, so we get it. And you have a contract so it is what it is. Here's the rule: If they are single the date that you mail out invites then they don't need a plus one. But if, between rightthissecond and whenever you send out those invites, they get new BF/GF/Pet Frog, then you HAVE to invite the new BF/GF/Pet Frog, doesn't matter that you've never met the BF/GF or that you hate frogs. You invite them both or neither one. That is the reason its best to CYOA and set a guest list with +1s, even if you never actually give them the plus one.

rooz103 · July 2014

Maybe I'm just bad at reading comprehension (and math), but I thought that the guest list was 190, but that the venue max was 175, with the ideal number being more like 150? If that's the case, then you're probably going to have to cut the guest list in general, since even if you aren't giving courtesy "plus ones", you'll still be 15 people over your max venue capacity and 40 people over your budget capacity.

offensivekitten2 · July 2014

Don't do it. It would be a dick move. We had to cut friends from our wedding to accommodate family plus ones. I promise we didn't die of ruined wedding.

yogablossom · July 2014

I agree that significant others should be invited to weddings regardless of how long they have been together, be it 1 week or 12 years.

But just to play devil's advocate, because it got me thinking for a minute, there's no way in HELL I'd expect someone to invite me to their wedding if I just started dating a person that's invited to a wedding, nor would I even feel comfortable attending a wedding with someone I've just begun dating. I don't know, it was just something I thought of.

huskypuppy14 · July 2014

yogablossom said:

I agree that significant others should be invited to weddings regardless of how long they have been together, be it 1 week or 12 years.

But just to play devil's advocate, because it got me thinking for a minute, there's no way in HELL I'd expect someone to invite me to their wedding if I just started dating a person that's invited to a wedding, nor would I even feel comfortable attending a wedding with someone I've just begun dating. I don't know, it was just something I thought of.

But invitations go out 2 months (or so) before the wedding. You may only be dating one week before the invitations go out, but you'll be together 2 months or so once the wedding comes. Once the invitations have gone out, you don't have to accommodate new relationships, but it's nice if you can. I do agree that if you start dating someone the week or so before the wedding, you shouldn't expect the bride and groom to accommodate your new bf or gf.

When I first started dating my husband, he was invited to two weddings coming up in the late spring/summer and the grooms from each of those weddings were friends as well. DH had already sent back the response for the first wedding- as going solo, when we started dating. The groom said he was welcome to bring me, and did I want fish or beef. It was a really nice thing to do. (We were dating about 2 months at the wedding, so it was still new.)

I had met the bride and groom of the second wedding (which was about 6 weeks after the first), at the first wedding, so though I don't think my name was on the invitation, I was invited verbally by them.

ETA: Oh and 1 week after the first wedding, I went to a wedding solo, because I wasn't invited with a guest. That was fine, because we hadn't been dating long, and were still too new, once the invitations went out. But I left early (it was also on a Sunday) to go be with my boyfriend (now husband.)

annathy03 · July 2014

I would assume everyone will have an SO and make your list at 175 (if you're comfortable with the risk of over-inviting on your budget, 150 if not).

Then make a list of people you'd invite if you had another 10-20 spots, assuming they have SOs as well. Do NOT send these people save the dates, but if when invites go out you have space from the original list not all having SOs (because not giving a guest to the truly single is fine) you can send invites from this list.

To be clear, they all get sent out at the same time so it isn't a B list. Just don't invite over 175, and depending on your comfort level 150.

MandyMost · July 2014

rooz103 said:

Maybe I'm just bad at reading comprehension (and math), but I thought that the guest list was 190, but that the venue max was 175, with the ideal number being more like 150? If that's the case, then you're probably going to have to cut the guest list in general, since even if you aren't giving courtesy "plus ones", you'll still be 15 people over your max venue capacity and 40 people over your budget capacity.

This is the same math I have. As of today, your guest list is a max of 190 assuming you invite everyone with a guest, correct? I'm assuming if you're just getting a venue, the wedding isn't until next year?

I'd suggest you take a look at this list and cut it down to 150 people. If everyone you know is single, you'd have a list of 75 people plus room for a guest for each one of them. Then, next year when you're ready to send out the invites you find out who is single and who is not. Chances are, there will still be some single people. You can then invite some extra people that you had originally cut from the list.

This isn't "b listing" because you'll be sending all of the invites the same day.

s-aries8990 · July 2014

I'd say cut your must-invite list to 150 with EACH currently single person having a plus-one. If 10 of your friends, your list would be 140 names with 10 Guests.

Then make a want-to-invite list in "circles" with added Guests for currently singles of those groups (by circles, I'm assuming you're looking at inviting co-workers, Dad's poker buddies, one-off couples, etc.).

If when you mail out your invites you KNOW 100% that your single guests are actually single on mailing day, you're in the clear to include the invites for other want-to-invites that you can accommodate for the under 150-175 depending on your budget, etc.

IF a single person gets into a relationship after you mail out the invite (as in after they received it) and they ask if SO is invited, I personally think it's acceptable to tell them you'll let them know when you get a decline (as in B-listing the additional person you didn't account for because they didn't "exist" yet).

It will be tough, but you can do it!

If you can't you need to find a way to increase your budget, find a new venue, or both.

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