Maid of honor..ugh!

knottie7e05e9217d8ecb66 · July 2014

The wedding is August 30th and my maid of honor(I have 2) doesn't have her dress. They all had the option to choose their own dress so I figured it would be the easiest option with no hassle. She was working on her weight loss and didn't want to buy a dress until she reached her goal....she still hasn't reached it. We both worked on our weight loss together and since January I've lost 30 and shes lost 20lbs. She wants to lose 15 more to get to around 155, but she clearly doesn't have time. I've emailed her, called her and tried to get in contact but she doesn't answer or keeps giving me excuses. I asked her if money was an issue and she says no. Stores are putting out their fall clothes and it will be pretty hard to find mint dresses in the stores....unless she buys online, which will take time if she needs to send it back. I'm at the point where I'm starting not to care. If she doesn't have her dress in time she cant walk. Shes also not communicating with the other maid of honor or 5 other bridesmaids to plan the bachlorette party. No one knows whats going on and they keep calling me to complain about each other and how they haven't planned anything because they cant agree on what to do for the night. I've known her for almost 15 yrs and I'm now starting to see how unreliable she is......actually there were signs, but I didn't think it would come to this. Has anyone experienced this?

AddieCake · July 2014

She doesn't need to be part of planning a bachelorette party if she doesn't want to. Leave her alone. She will either get a dress, or she will remove herself from the wedding.

chibiyui · July 2014

Have yourself a margarita. If she's not part of the bachelorette party planning, thats fine. If she doesn't get a dress, she doesn't walk. Thats also fine. Just try to calm down and not worry about it, because there isn't anything you can do anyway.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

If she doesn't want to be part of the bachelorette party talks, she doesn't have to be. If she gets her dress, great! If not, that's cool. She'll be removing herself from the wedding party if she doesn't get the dress.

It's 5 o'clock somewhere. Have a drink.

Jen4948 · July 2014

As you say, if she doesn't have her dress by the wedding day, she doesn't walk. She doesn't need to plan a bachelorette party.

thisismynickname2 · July 2014

I actually disagree on the "no dress, no walk" concept. I'd be furious if someone didn't get the right dress in time, but if she's still close to you, she deserves to stand next to you. She'll be the one looking odd in an off-dress, not the Bride. Unless she literally says, "I don't want to stand up anymore," I think you have to expect her to stand no matter what. Is her presence or dress color more important?

This applies to anyone with the "Maid didn't get a dress yet" issue.

climbingsingle · July 2014

Leave it alone. I'm sure she's aware of the fact that she needs to have a dress.

As for the bach party, stay out of it. Let your BMs hash it out among themselves. They shouldn't be involving you with any of the planning.

Jen4948 · July 2014

thisismynickname said:

I actually disagree on the "no dress, no walk" concept. I'd be furious if someone didn't get the right dress in time, but if she's still close to you, she deserves to stand next to you. She'll be the one looking odd in an off-dress, not the Bride. Unless she literally says, "I don't want to stand up anymore," I think you have to expect her to stand no matter what. Is her presence or dress color more important?

This applies to anyone with the "Maid didn't get a dress yet" issue.

If the bridesmaid can't get the dress in time due to reasons beyond her control, like illness, work scheduling, pregnancy, the store burned down, or something like that, I agree with you. But trying to reach an ideal weight is under her control. If the bridesmaid's reason for not getting the dress is something under control, I think she forfeits the right to walk down the aisle.

Jen4948 · July 2014

flantastic said:

Jen4948 said:

thisismynickname said:

I actually disagree on the "no dress, no walk" concept. I'd be furious if someone didn't get the right dress in time, but if she's still close to you, she deserves to stand next to you. She'll be the one looking odd in an off-dress, not the Bride. Unless she literally says, "I don't want to stand up anymore," I think you have to expect her to stand no matter what. Is her presence or dress color more important?

This applies to anyone with the "Maid didn't get a dress yet" issue.

If the bridesmaid can't get the dress in time due to reasons beyond her control, like illness, work scheduling, pregnancy, the store burned down, or something like that, I agree with you. But trying to reach an ideal weight is under her control. If the bridesmaid's reason for not getting the dress is something under control, I think she forfeits the right to walk down the aisle.

If I were the offending bridesmaid, I would not disagree with a bride who chose not to let me walk down the aisle without the requested attire.
However, two of my BMs will have been recently pregnant at the wedding. If they made some poor decisions about the timing of dress purchasing because they weren't sure how quickly their size would be changing around the wedding, I'd easily forgive that and be glad to have them there in whatever dress they found that fit for the day. I think that a weight-loss regimen, for whatever reason, falls under the "Other people don't have to stop their lives for your wedding" category.

Like I said, I think pregnancy does fall under the "reasons beyond the bridesmaid's control" category. If a bridesmaid wasn't able to get her dress altered in time because her figure was different than she had thought due to pregnancy, that's certainly understandable and I'd forgive it too. But while other people don't have to stop their lives for your wedding, neither do brides have to stop their wedding for other people's lives. It isn't the bride's fault if the bridesmaid is on a self-imposed non-medical weight-loss program and doesn't bother to get the dress because she hasn't lost what she thinks is enough weight. Under those circumstances, I think it's still up to the bridesmaid to get the dress in enough time before the wedding to walk down the aisle.

chibiyui · July 2014

Jen4948 said:

flantastic said:

Jen4948 said:

thisismynickname said:

I actually disagree on the "no dress, no walk" concept. I'd be furious if someone didn't get the right dress in time, but if she's still close to you, she deserves to stand next to you. She'll be the one looking odd in an off-dress, not the Bride. Unless she literally says, "I don't want to stand up anymore," I think you have to expect her to stand no matter what. Is her presence or dress color more important?

This applies to anyone with the "Maid didn't get a dress yet" issue.

If the bridesmaid can't get the dress in time due to reasons beyond her control, like illness, work scheduling, pregnancy, the store burned down, or something like that, I agree with you. But trying to reach an ideal weight is under her control. If the bridesmaid's reason for not getting the dress is something under control, I think she forfeits the right to walk down the aisle.

If I were the offending bridesmaid, I would not disagree with a bride who chose not to let me walk down the aisle without the requested attire.
However, two of my BMs will have been recently pregnant at the wedding. If they made some poor decisions about the timing of dress purchasing because they weren't sure how quickly their size would be changing around the wedding, I'd easily forgive that and be glad to have them there in whatever dress they found that fit for the day. I think that a weight-loss regimen, for whatever reason, falls under the "Other people don't have to stop their lives for your wedding" category.

Like I said, I think pregnancy does fall under the "reasons beyond the bridesmaid's control" category. If a bridesmaid wasn't able to get her dress altered in time because her figure was different than she had thought due to pregnancy, that's certainly understandable and I'd forgive it too. But while other people don't have to stop their lives for your wedding, neither do brides have to stop their wedding for other people's lives. It isn't the bride's fault if the bridesmaid is on a self-imposed non-medical weight-loss program and doesn't bother to get the dress because she hasn't lost what she thinks is enough weight. Under those circumstances, I think it's still up to the bridesmaid to get the dress in enough time before the wedding to walk down the aisle.

I'd argue it's just not fair to the other BM's who did buy a dress If another BM doesn't and shows up wanting to go down the aisle anyway. Yeah, it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, and there are exceptions like pregnancy, etc. I agree with Jen that wanting to lose weight isn't a good enough of a reason.

atlastmrsg · July 2014

Personally, I support the no dress, no walk thing. If she's that close to you, rounding up a mint dress shouldn't be so hard or a big deal. I'd go to the end of the earth for my MOH and best friend. Getting a mint dress would be small potatoes. If she can't handle getting a dress, even if she's pregnant/busy/whatever, how much does she care? Questionable. As for the bachelorette party, if she doesn't want to participate in the planning, bummer and shows some poor enthusiasm, but she has the right to do that. I'm sure plenty of posters will jump on this "what if she's poor/sick/breastfeeding/feeling sad/whatever," so she should get an out on the dress. To each her own when it comes to opinions. My opinion: being a bridesmaid isn't some sort of God given right. If you can't handle getting a dress, for whatever reason under the sun, you should just be a wedding guest. Give her a date (when you have to submit the names for printing programs)--no dress, no bridesmaid.

knottie7e05e9217d8ecb66 · July 2014

I agree...there are circumstances where bridesmaids cant have their dresses on time. I also had a pregnant bridesmaid and she wanted to wait until after the baby to get her dress. Although this was earlier this year, so she had a little time. I've been a pretty laid back bride to be. I'm trying not to freak out about it and I hope it doesn't have to come down to her not walking, but its frustrating. She doesn't have to be apart of the bachlorette planning process, but she volunteered to plan and came up with all these ideas....she can hand it over to someone else if she needs to.

I wouldn't want her to stop her lifestyle because of the wedding, I'm still eating at a deficit and I will start maintenance after my final dress fitting next weekend. But I do think she could have gotten a dress a few mths ago and still fit it August.....I dont know, maybe I'm being unreasonable.

I wish they wouldn't involve me in their bicker, but I did tell them that I didn't want anything extravagant. I'm okay with karaoke at the bar, maybe go to the beach, or pole dancing class.

Also, I'll be having a glass of wine after my run tonight.....

knottie7e05e9217d8ecb66 · July 2014

atlastmrsg said:

Personally, I support the no dress, no walk thing. If she's that close to you, rounding up a mint dress shouldn't be so hard or a big deal. I'd go to the end of the earth for my MOH and best friend. Getting a mint dress would be small potatoes. If she can't handle getting a dress, even if she's pregnant/busy/whatever, how much does she care? Questionable. As for the bachelorette party, if she doesn't want to participate in the planning, bummer and shows some poor enthusiasm, but she has the right to do that. I'm sure plenty of posters will jump on this "what if she's poor/sick/breastfeeding/feeling sad/whatever," so she should get an out on the dress. To each her own when it comes to opinions. My opinion: being a bridesmaid isn't some sort of God given right. If you can't handle getting a dress, for whatever reason under the sun, you should just be a wedding guest. Give her a date (when you have to submit the names for printing programs)--no dress, no bridesmaid.

I've given everyone dates and it hasn't worked for her. I figured she'd be the first one to get a dress... I've also had the programs made already...not printed though. I could have them changed, but the designer will charge me 8 dollars.

Maggie0829 · July 2014

missy5290 said:

atlastmrsg said:

Personally, I support the no dress, no walk thing. If she's that close to you, rounding up a mint dress shouldn't be so hard or a big deal. I'd go to the end of the earth for my MOH and best friend. Getting a mint dress would be small potatoes. If she can't handle getting a dress, even if she's pregnant/busy/whatever, how much does she care? Questionable. As for the bachelorette party, if she doesn't want to participate in the planning, bummer and shows some poor enthusiasm, but she has the right to do that. I'm sure plenty of posters will jump on this "what if she's poor/sick/breastfeeding/feeling sad/whatever," so she should get an out on the dress. To each her own when it comes to opinions. My opinion: being a bridesmaid isn't some sort of God given right. If you can't handle getting a dress, for whatever reason under the sun, you should just be a wedding guest. Give her a date (when you have to submit the names for printing programs)--no dress, no bridesmaid.

I've given everyone dates and it hasn't worked for her. I figured she'd be the first one to get a dress... I've also had the programs made already...not printed though. I could have them changed, but the designer will charge me 8 dollars.

I echo what flantastic said about saying something to the effect "if you can't manage to get the dress then that is okay and we would still love to have you there as a guest."

So basically you need to decide what you are going to do. When do you need the programs printed? Whatever date that is then that is the deadline for your MOH to get her dress. If she doesn't get the dress by then then pay the $8 to get the program changed. Just don't replace/promote anyone into the MOH position.

atlastmrsg · July 2014

missy5290 said:

I agree...there are circumstances where bridesmaids cant have their dresses on time. I also had a pregnant bridesmaid and she wanted to wait until after the baby to get her dress. Although this was earlier this year, so she had a little time. I've been a pretty laid back bride to be. I'm trying not to freak out about it and I hope it doesn't have to come down to her not walking, but its frustrating. She doesn't have to be apart of the bachlorette planning process, but she volunteered to plan and came up with all these ideas....she can hand it over to someone else if she needs to.

I wouldn't want her to stop her lifestyle because of the wedding, I'm still eating at a deficit and I will start maintenance after my final dress fitting next weekend. But I do think she could have gotten a dress a few mths ago and still fit it August.....I dont know, maybe I'm being unreasonable.

I wish they wouldn't involve me in their bicker, but I did tell them that I didn't want anything extravagant. I'm okay with karaoke at the bar, maybe go to the beach, or pole dancing class.

Also, I'll be having a glass of wine after my run tonight.....

Not unreasonable at all. A dress can always be taken in. Some are more expensive to take in than others or take more skill, but dresses can be taken in.

lilacck28 · July 2014

chibiyui said:

Jen4948 said:

flantastic said:

Jen4948 said:

thisismynickname said:

I actually disagree on the "no dress, no walk" concept. I'd be furious if someone didn't get the right dress in time, but if she's still close to you, she deserves to stand next to you. She'll be the one looking odd in an off-dress, not the Bride. Unless she literally says, "I don't want to stand up anymore," I think you have to expect her to stand no matter what. Is her presence or dress color more important?

This applies to anyone with the "Maid didn't get a dress yet" issue.

If the bridesmaid can't get the dress in time due to reasons beyond her control, like illness, work scheduling, pregnancy, the store burned down, or something like that, I agree with you. But trying to reach an ideal weight is under her control. If the bridesmaid's reason for not getting the dress is something under control, I think she forfeits the right to walk down the aisle.

If I were the offending bridesmaid, I would not disagree with a bride who chose not to let me walk down the aisle without the requested attire.
However, two of my BMs will have been recently pregnant at the wedding. If they made some poor decisions about the timing of dress purchasing because they weren't sure how quickly their size would be changing around the wedding, I'd easily forgive that and be glad to have them there in whatever dress they found that fit for the day. I think that a weight-loss regimen, for whatever reason, falls under the "Other people don't have to stop their lives for your wedding" category.

Like I said, I think pregnancy does fall under the "reasons beyond the bridesmaid's control" category. If a bridesmaid wasn't able to get her dress altered in time because her figure was different than she had thought due to pregnancy, that's certainly understandable and I'd forgive it too. But while other people don't have to stop their lives for your wedding, neither do brides have to stop their wedding for other people's lives. It isn't the bride's fault if the bridesmaid is on a self-imposed non-medical weight-loss program and doesn't bother to get the dress because she hasn't lost what she thinks is enough weight. Under those circumstances, I think it's still up to the bridesmaid to get the dress in enough time before the wedding to walk down the aisle.

I'd argue it's just not fair to the other BM's who did buy a dress If another BM doesn't and shows up wanting to go down the aisle anyway. Yeah, it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, and there are exceptions like pregnancy, etc. I agree with Jen that wanting to lose weight isn't a good enough of a reason.

STUCK IN BOX

This happened to me. I bought the right color dress, two others (sisters) did not. They walked down the aisle because my cousin (the bride) just didn't know what to do. I was pissed that I went to all that trouble to find a copper dress, and they show up in clashing blue and turquoise (the colors were copper and light pink. I usually love complementary colors, but the bridesmaid's dresses looked TERRIBLE together). And I was pissed for my cousin. There were whispers about how the groom's family must not approve of the wedding. Gossipy, yes, but it was a VERY brazen thing to do.

Knottie03545159 · July 2014

I think you should have a chat with her. Make sure she does want to be I'm the party. Remind her she can get the dress fitted to her size even if she looses extra weight. It won't cost her more to take it in 1 inch or 1 1/4. Explain it is making you stressed.

Your other bridesmaid need to go on without her for the bachelorette. It shouldn't be your issue. If you need to incorporate that into your dress convo.

PrettyGirlLost · July 2014

thisismynickname said:

I actually disagree on the "no dress, no walk" concept. I'd be furious if someone didn't get the right dress in time, but if she's still close to you, she deserves to stand next to you. She'll be the one looking odd in an off-dress, not the Bride. Unless she literally says, "I don't want to stand up anymore," I think you have to expect her to stand no matter what. Is her presence or dress color more important?

This applies to anyone with the "Maid didn't get a dress yet" issue.

I'm hoping I won't have to make this Sophie's Choice in a few months. . . 5 out of 10 BMs have a dress. 2 of the 5 that do not are my own damn sisters ><

knottie7e05e9217d8ecb66 · July 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

thisismynickname said:

I actually disagree on the "no dress, no walk" concept. I'd be furious if someone didn't get the right dress in time, but if she's still close to you, she deserves to stand next to you. She'll be the one looking odd in an off-dress, not the Bride. Unless she literally says, "I don't want to stand up anymore," I think you have to expect her to stand no matter what. Is her presence or dress color more important?

This applies to anyone with the "Maid didn't get a dress yet" issue.

I'm hoping I won't have to make this Sophie's Choice in a few months. . . 5 out of 10 BMs have a dress. 2 of the 5 that do not are my own damn sisters ><

Crazy right? You'd think they would be the first ones to get a dress. The bridesmaids I've know since childhood were the last to get their dresses. My fiances sister and my college friends were up and ready with theirs.

PrettyGirlLost · July 2014

missy5290 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

thisismynickname said:

I actually disagree on the "no dress, no walk" concept. I'd be furious if someone didn't get the right dress in time, but if she's still close to you, she deserves to stand next to you. She'll be the one looking odd in an off-dress, not the Bride. Unless she literally says, "I don't want to stand up anymore," I think you have to expect her to stand no matter what. Is her presence or dress color more important?

This applies to anyone with the "Maid didn't get a dress yet" issue.

I'm hoping I won't have to make this Sophie's Choice in a few months. . . 5 out of 10 BMs have a dress. 2 of the 5 that do not are my own damn sisters ><

Crazy right? You'd think they would be the first ones to get a dress. The bridesmaids I've know since childhood were the last to get their dresses. My fiances sister and my college friends were up and ready with theirs.

Yes, considering one is my MOH!

My SIL's were the 1st to get their dresses.

thisismynickname2 · July 2014

A PP mentioned that maybe there are undisclosed issues about getting a dress.

I can't put myself in anyone's shoes, but if a bridesmaid WANTS to walk yet doesn't get the dress, for whatever reason, she should still get to walk even if she clashes with the others. However, if she's using the no-dress as an excuse to get out of walking but is afraid to actually speak up and remove herself from the party, then that's a whole other issue.

These people are adults. If it becomes too late to get a dress (and by "too late" I daresay the drop-dead date for getting programs printed), I'd point-blank ask if they want to stand up in a non-matching dress or sit out. Put the decision on them, but at least get a friggin' decision.

knottie7e05e9217d8ecb66 · July 2014

thisismynickname said:

A PP mentioned that maybe there are undisclosed issues about getting a dress.

I can't put myself in anyone's shoes, but if a bridesmaid WANTS to walk yet doesn't get the dress, for whatever reason, she should still get to walk even if she clashes with the others. However, if she's using the no-dress as an excuse to get out of walking but is afraid to actually speak up and remove herself from the party, then that's a whole other issue.

These people are adults. If it becomes too late to get a dress (and by "too late" I daresay the drop-dead date for getting programs printed), I'd point-blank ask if they want to stand up in a non-matching dress or sit out. Put the decision on them, but at least get a friggin' decision.

I would talk to her if she was actually answering my calls or text messages. I finally sent her a FB message and all I got was "yea". I'll keep trying.

atlastmrsg · July 2014

thisismynickname said:

A PP mentioned that maybe there are undisclosed issues about getting a dress.

I can't put myself in anyone's shoes, but if a bridesmaid WANTS to walk yet doesn't get the dress, for whatever reason, she should still get to walk even if she clashes with the others. However, if she's using the no-dress as an excuse to get out of walking but is afraid to actually speak up and remove herself from the party, then that's a whole other issue.

These people are adults. If it becomes too late to get a dress (and by "too late" I daresay the drop-dead date for getting programs printed), I'd point-blank ask if they want to stand up in a non-matching dress or sit out. Put the decision on them, but at least get a friggin' decision.

I wholly disagree with this. If this was okay, I'd have used this behavior to get out of stupid, cheap satin David's Bridal gowns and shown up in a cute cocktail dress. But that's not okay. So I bought the dress, pretended to like it so bride could be happy, and had it on ebay by the next Tuesday.

PrettyGirlLost · July 2014

atlastmrsg said:

thisismynickname said:

A PP mentioned that maybe there are undisclosed issues about getting a dress.

I can't put myself in anyone's shoes, but if a bridesmaid WANTS to walk yet doesn't get the dress, for whatever reason, she should still get to walk even if she clashes with the others. However, if she's using the no-dress as an excuse to get out of walking but is afraid to actually speak up and remove herself from the party, then that's a whole other issue.

These people are adults. If it becomes too late to get a dress (and by "too late" I daresay the drop-dead date for getting programs printed), I'd point-blank ask if they want to stand up in a non-matching dress or sit out. Put the decision on them, but at least get a friggin' decision.

I wholly disagree with this. If this was okay, I'd have used this behavior to get out of stupid, cheap satin David's Bridal gowns and shown up in a cute cocktail dress. But that's not okay. So I bought the dress, pretended to like it so bride could be happy, and had it on ebay by the next Tuesday.

Yeah I disagree with this as well.

We tell people all of the time that a BM's only responsibility is getting the dress and showing up in it for the ceremony. If you procrastinate to the point where you can't get the dress, and yet the rest of the wedding party managed to get the dress, you shouldn't be able to just show up in whatever you want and walk down the aisle. I don't see that as fair to the rest of the wedding party.

I get your point from the standpoint that we as Brides should care more about who are WP are as people, and not about what they are wearing, but if you agree to be in a WP and you agree to purchase a specific dress for the wedding, you should do it.

MyNameIsNot · July 2014

Since she can pick her own dress, the issue of getting it is her problem. She could literally buy a dress off the rack on August 29 and walk down the aisle in it. If it's a giant PITA, that's her problem.

Unless she tells you she's dropping out or shows up on August 30 without the proper dress, assume she's planning to come through. If she hasn't made a decision by the time you send programs to the printer, assume she's going to come through. She's your closest friend; give her the benefit of the doubt. If she's in the program but not walking on the day of the wedding, she's the one who can be embarrassed and explain to mutual friends that she didn't get the dress.

Maid of honor..ugh!

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