I'm just going to vent here, since I know I'm being a little unreasonable...

ashley8918 · January 2015

...And don't want to blow up on H, but he is driving me INSANE.

So, we have some money issues. Nothing major, but we have some debt going on, and my salary is nothing to write home about. But, all of the bills are paid (if not exactly on time) every month, and we are scraping by just fine.

We made the decision together, at the beginning of the school year, that H was going to quit his almost minimum wage dead-end job and stay home for a year with my 4-year old. The plan was for him to take this time to get through some/most of his schooling online, and save us from paying for daycare (which would have been $20/wk more than his salary... totally pointless).

So, this is going okay, except that he is spending money like we still have 2 incomes! It's not like he is blowing huge amounts of money all at once, but he is doing a lot of unnecessary spending. For Ex: Today, I got a notification from Verizon that he made $40 in in-app purchases on some stupid ass phone game. Things like this (and buying pot, which I HATE... It's still illegal here and i'm worried he will get himself into trouble) are a regular occurrence. SERIOUSLY? We are poor - We need groceries. Come on, dude.

I am really struggling with this because I don't want to police how he spends our money, and I don't expect him to ask my permission; but at the same time, I need him to understand our financial situation and what purchases need to be priority. I just don't know how to convey my concerns to him without him feeling like I'm going all "MY MONEY" on him, because that isn't the case at all.

Okay, now that I've got that out, I don't feel so much like yelling at him anymore. Whew. Feel free to give advice, or not. I just needed to talk about it, and was a little to upset to bring it up to him at the moment.

CMGragain · January 2015

ashley8918 said:

...And don't want to blow up on H, but he is driving me INSANE.

So, we have some money issues. Nothing major, but we have some debt going on, and my salary is nothing to write home about. But, all of the bills are paid (if not exactly on time) every month, and we are scraping by just fine.

We made the decision together, at the beginning of the school year, that H was going to quit his almost minimum wage dead-end job and stay home for a year with my 4-year old. The plan was for him to take this time to get through some/most of his schooling online, and save us from paying for daycare (which would have been $20/wk more than his salary... totally pointless).

So, this is going okay, except that he is spending money like we still have 2 incomes! It's not like he is blowing huge amounts of money all at once, but he is doing a lot of unnecessary spending. For Ex: Today, I got a notification from Verizon that he made $40 in in-app purchases on some stupid ass phone game. Things like this (and buying pot, which I HATE... It's still illegal here and i'm worried he will get himself into trouble) are a regular occurrence. SERIOUSLY? We are poor - We need groceries. Come on, dude.

I am really struggling with this because I don't want to police how he spends our money, and I don't expect him to ask my permission; but at the same time, I need him to understand our financial situation and what purchases need to be priority. I just don't know how to convey my concerns to him without him feeling like I'm going all "MY MONEY" on him, because that isn't the case at all.

Okay, now that I've got that out, I don't feel so much like yelling at him anymore. Whew. Feel free to give advice, or not. I just needed to talk about it, and was a little to upset to bring it up to him at the moment.

I think you should schedule an appointment with a financial counselor. Your FI may not listen to you, but coming from someone else, it may make a dent in his fantasyland.

I see some of what you have written as a red light. Whoa! If you can't agree on financial decisions now, what makes you think it will get better when you are married? This is a very important part of marriage, especially with children. You need to get priorities straight before you get married. If pot is more important to him than paying the bills, I see dark clouds ahead for you.

bethsmiles · January 2015

I really struggle with over-spending. I spend small amounts at a time and tend not to realize how much they are adding up. Sitting down and writing out a strict budget has really helped me a lot. It helps me plan better and really see how much those small purchases add up by the end of the month. I've been doing so much better with it since I started.

Maybe you could suggest your FI help make out a budget with you? Seeing it laid out in front of you can make a lot of difference.

esstee33 · January 2015

Ughhhhhh, that totally blows, girl.

I feel like you guys need to set some guidelines, because he's clearly not thinking about how limited funds are now that you have one income. Even "our" money can only go so far, and he needs to recognize that without you policing him. $40 is a LOT to spend on in-app purchases, even if you weren't on one income.

Maybe you should sit down together and come up with a reasonable dollar limit of when you should check with the other person to see if that purchase is cool? If you're also the one managing the finances, it's an easy way to say "listen, we have $X to last us until X date -- can that purchase wait until payday, at least?"

ETA: ALSO HERE HAVE HUGS:

ashley8918 · January 2015

CMGragain said:

ashley8918 said:

...And don't want to blow up on H, but he is driving me INSANE.

So, we have some money issues. Nothing major, but we have some debt going on, and my salary is nothing to write home about. But, all of the bills are paid (if not exactly on time) every month, and we are scraping by just fine.

We made the decision together, at the beginning of the school year, that H was going to quit his almost minimum wage dead-end job and stay home for a year with my 4-year old. The plan was for him to take this time to get through some/most of his schooling online, and save us from paying for daycare (which would have been $20/wk more than his salary... totally pointless).

So, this is going okay, except that he is spending money like we still have 2 incomes! It's not like he is blowing huge amounts of money all at once, but he is doing a lot of unnecessary spending. For Ex: Today, I got a notification from Verizon that he made $40 in in-app purchases on some stupid ass phone game. Things like this (and buying pot, which I HATE... It's still illegal here and i'm worried he will get himself into trouble) are a regular occurrence. SERIOUSLY? We are poor - We need groceries. Come on, dude.

I am really struggling with this because I don't want to police how he spends our money, and I don't expect him to ask my permission; but at the same time, I need him to understand our financial situation and what purchases need to be priority. I just don't know how to convey my concerns to him without him feeling like I'm going all "MY MONEY" on him, because that isn't the case at all.

Okay, now that I've got that out, I don't feel so much like yelling at him anymore. Whew. Feel free to give advice, or not. I just needed to talk about it, and was a little to upset to bring it up to him at the moment.

I think you should schedule an appointment with a financial counselor. Your FI may not listen to you, but coming from someone else, it may make a dent in his fantasyland.

I see some of what you have written as a red light. Woah! If you can't agree on financial decisions now, what makes you think it will get better when you are married? This is a very important part of marriage, especially with children. You need to get priorities straight before you get married. If pot is more important to him than paying the bills, I see dark clouds ahead for you.

Yeah, no. We are already married and do not have major financial issues. The debt that we have is not unmanageable, is being paid down, and bills always come first. Our priorities are just fine, generally speaking.

This is about my annoyance with how he chooses to spend some of our precious little "extra money".

I do appreciate your suggestion of seeing a financial counselor, however. We could certainly benefit from some advice from a professional.

ETA Oh and, LO-fucking-L at "I see dark clouds ahead for you". Aren't we just a ray of sunshine. Jeez.

AprilH81 · January 2015

Is there any room for a small "fun money" budget for each of you so that he has some freedom to purchase a few things so he doesn't feel so constrained?

But pot and $40 app purchases would not be at the top of my list of purchases if I was down to one income with 3 people to support and barely getting bills paid. He needs to take some personal responsibility here.

ashley8918 · January 2015

bethsmiles said:

I really struggle with over-spending. I spend small amounts at a time and tend not to realize how much they are adding up. Sitting down and writing out a strict budget has really helped me a lot. It helps me plan better and really see how much those small purchases add up by the end of the month. I've been doing so much better with it since I started.

Maybe you could suggest your FI help make out a budget with you? Seeing it laid out in front of you can make a lot of difference.

This isn't a bad idea. I mean, I have made budgets for us before, but maybe actually having him participate in creating it will give him a better picture of where we are financially. Part of the problem also might be that I manage all of the bills and such (because i'm just better at it, haha). So, having an actual budget written down that shows our exact input and output each month will probably be an eye-opener for him.

kaitlynmichelle · January 2015

I also think a budget would help. If he has $X to spend a month on these kind of purchases, and the money runs out before the end of the month, he has to wait to spend more money on non-essentials. I think speaking to a professional might be easier, so it won't just be you saying he can only use a specific amount of money a month.

He needs to be responsible though. You have a child, and debt. App purchases shouldn't be a priority for him right now. It could be hard for him to see smaller purchases add up - $25 here and $40 there add up VERY quickly if you aren't considering other purchases you have recently made. I struggled with this for quite awhile until I sat down and made myself a budget. It helped a lot while paying off my student loans, as well as when we were wedding planning.

lyndausvi · January 2015

Some habits are hard to break. It's only been since Sept that this arrangement started. I know when I quit my job to move it took me a little while to stop spending like I was working. We were the same as you as far as bills still getting paid, but we weren't saving as much as we could have been.

Maybe schedule a sit down on how the arrangement is going. Showing him the budget as a whole, how you might need to reevaluate fun money for both of you.

ashley8918 · January 2015

esstee33 said:

Ughhhhhh, that totally blows, girl.

I feel like you guys need to set some guidelines, because he's clearly not thinking about how limited funds are now that you have one income. Even "our" money can only go so far, and he needs to recognize that without you policing him. $40 is a LOT to spend on in-app purchases, even if you weren't on one income.

Maybe you should sit down together and come up with a reasonable dollar limit of when you should check with the other person to see if that purchase is cool? If you're also the one managing the finances, it's an easy way to say "listen, we have $X to last us until X date -- can that purchase wait until payday, at least?"

ETA: ALSO HERE HAVE HUGS:

Right?! Wtf, man?

Also, We kind of do the "ask each other before large-ish purchases" thing, but don't have a set dollar amount, so we probably don't utilize the rule like we should. And to be totally honest, I almost never ask him/discuss purchases with him (unless they are HUGE), which is not fair. I guess I do kind of still treat it like "my money, my business", even though I try not to think that way. I am going to make a real effort to start doing this, and talk to him about the $ amount.

P.S.

bellaluna290 · January 2015

You absolutely aren't being unreasonable. I would be livid if my H spent 40.00 on game purchases and spent money on things that are not needed like pot. I recommend using a budgeting tool like mint.com's budgeter. You can budget all you want, but it's going to go out the window if your H doesn't understand that he can't just throw away money on bullshit.

jenna8984 · January 2015

ashley8918 said:

bethsmiles said:

I really struggle with over-spending. I spend small amounts at a time and tend not to realize how much they are adding up. Sitting down and writing out a strict budget has really helped me a lot. It helps me plan better and really see how much those small purchases add up by the end of the month. I've been doing so much better with it since I started.

Maybe you could suggest your FI help make out a budget with you? Seeing it laid out in front of you can make a lot of difference.

This isn't a bad idea. I mean, I have made budgets for us before, but maybe actually having him participate in creating it will give him a better picture of where we are financially. Part of the problem also might be that I manage all of the bills and such (because i'm just better at it, haha). So, having an actual budget written down that shows our exact input and output each month will probably be an eye-opener for him.

Yes definitely. I've had a budget since I was in college, I'm just a saver who is good with money. DH is not. I had to show him "look this is where all my money goes each month and how much goes to savings" then "look- where the fuck is all yours going? write it down" and it really opened his eyes. He was the same way, no big purchases but small stuff all the time.

Once he saw it all adding up and written down, it did make a difference. I have turned him pretty cheap, which I love haha.

And just talk open and calmly. Make it known that you are not being a crazy person and saying he gets zero dollars, but that you're on a tighter budget now and he needs to just pay closer attention to the smaller items and if think before making that purchase.

I've always dated spenders (wtf- why could I never fall in love with a saver?) but I managed to turn all them into successful savers in just a few years. So there is hope!

ashley8918 · January 2015

bellaluna290 said:

You absolutely aren't being unreasonable. I would be livid if my H spent 40.00 on game purchases and spent money on things that are not needed like pot. I recommend using a budgeting tool like mint.com's budgeter. You can budget all you want, but it's going to go out the window if your H doesn't understand that he can't just throw away money on bullshit.

This is a good suggestion; thanks!

theartistformerlyknownas · January 2015

ashley8918 said:

bethsmiles said:

I really struggle with over-spending. I spend small amounts at a time and tend not to realize how much they are adding up. Sitting down and writing out a strict budget has really helped me a lot. It helps me plan better and really see how much those small purchases add up by the end of the month. I've been doing so much better with it since I started.

Maybe you could suggest your FI help make out a budget with you? Seeing it laid out in front of you can make a lot of difference.

This isn't a bad idea. I mean, I have made budgets for us before, but maybe actually having him participate in creating it will give him a better picture of where we are financially. Part of the problem also might be that I manage all of the bills and such (because i'm just better at it, haha). So, having an actual budget written down that shows our exact input and output each month will probably be an eye-opener for him.

Yeah I think that would help a lot for him to take some ownership in your finances, and feel more like he's a willing participant in sticking to the budget, rather than being subjected to it.

ashley8918 · January 2015

AprilH81 said:

Is there any room for a small "fun money" budget for each of you so that he has some freedom to purchase a few things so he doesn't feel so constrained?

But pot and $40 app purchases would not be at the top of my list of purchases if I was down to one income with 3 people to support and barely getting bills paid. He needs to take some personal responsibility here.

Absolutely. I just wish he would use it on non-bullshit things, haha.

But really, I think that getting him to participate in making the budget like PPs have suggested is a great idea. I don't picture him ever being willfully defiant of the budget, I just don't think he gets it.

JCbride2015 · January 2015

Mint.com is pretty great. It categorizes and adds up your purchases automatically so sometimes I will think, "Holy SHIT I spent $150 on bars just this month? Yikes!" Maybe a drink here and there with friends is only $30 each time I do it, but if I'm doing it once a week, I see on Mint how it adds up. Maybe set that up and get him invested (hah) in really helping you monitor.

But yeah, if we were in that situation and Fi was buying phone apps and pot, we'd be having a serious sit-down conversation about family responsibility. I'm sure you can do that in a way that stresses it's both of your money, for the whole family, and comes from a place of being concerned about the family and not just "mememe!"

ashley8918 · January 2015

kaitlynmichelle said:

I also think a budget would help. If he has $X to spend a month on these kind of purchases, and the money runs out before the end of the month, he has to wait to spend more money on non-essentials. I think speaking to a professional might be easier, so it won't just be you saying he can only use a specific amount of money a month.

He needs to be responsible though. You have a child, and debt. App purchases shouldn't be a priority for him right now. It could be hard for him to see smaller purchases add up - $25 here and $40 there add up VERY quickly if you aren't considering other purchases you have recently made. I struggled with this for quite awhile until I sat down and made myself a budget. It helped a lot while paying off my student loans, as well as when we were wedding planning.

Yeah, I think I am going to do this. I really don't want him to feel like I'm his mother, giving him an allowance. Speaking to a professional and getting him to participate in creating the budget should definitely be helpful.

I have had a hard time with small purchases in the past, too, and not seeing the big picture, so I am trying to cut him some slack (by not losing my shit on him - we still need to get it under control).

ashley8918 · January 2015

lyndausvi said:

Some habits are hard to break. It's only been since Sept that this arrangement started. I know when I quit my job to move it took me a little while to stop spending like I was working. We were the same as you as far as bills still getting paid, but we weren't saving as much as we could have been.

Maybe schedule a sit down on how the arrangement is going. Showing him the budget as a whole, how you might need to reevaluate fun money for both of you.

You know, I didn't really think of it this way. When we first decided that he would stay home, I immediately altered my spending habits (Buh bye 2x weekly lunches out at work

), so I just kind of assumed that he would adjust just as quickly.

AprilH81 · January 2015

ashley8918 said:

AprilH81 said:

Is there any room for a small "fun money" budget for each of you so that he has some freedom to purchase a few things so he doesn't feel so constrained?

But pot and $40 app purchases would not be at the top of my list of purchases if I was down to one income with 3 people to support and barely getting bills paid. He needs to take some personal responsibility here.

Absolutely. I just wish he would use it on non-bullshit things, haha.

But really, I think that getting him to participate in making the budget like PPs have suggested is a great idea. I don't picture him ever being willfully defiant of the budget, I just don't think he gets it.

We use the fun money (we each get equal amounts and it can roll over from month to month if we don't spend it all) as a judgement free zone. As long as we don't go over budget the other person can't comment on how it was spent.

I mentally cringe some months on how much DH spends on craft beer (that shit is expensive) and happy hour, but he doesn't go over budget and he isn't driving while drunk so I don't say anything.

ashley8918 · January 2015

jenna8984 said:
Yes definitely. I've had a budget since I was in college, I'm just a saver who is good with money. DH is not. I had to show him "look this is where all my money goes each month and how much goes to savings" then "look- where the fuck is all yours going? write it down" and it really opened his eyes. He was the same way, no big purchases but small stuff all the time.
Once he saw it all adding up and written down, it did make a difference. I have turned him pretty cheap, which I love haha.

And just talk open and calmly. Make it known that you are not being a crazy person and saying he gets zero dollars, but that you're on a tighter budget now and he needs to just pay closer attention to the smaller items and if think before making that purchase.
I've always dated spenders (wtf- why could I never fall in love with a saver?) but I managed to turn all them into successful savers in just a few years. So there is hope!

Haha, me too! I haven't had much luck so far, but I have hope!

ashley8918 · January 2015

JCbride2015 said:

Mint.com is pretty great. It categorizes and adds up your purchases automatically so sometimes I will think, "Holy SHIT I spent $150 on bars just this month? Yikes!" Maybe a drink here and there with friends is only $30 each time I do it, but if I'm doing it once a week, I see on Mint how it adds up. Maybe set that up and get him invested (hah) in really helping you monitor.

But yeah, if we were in that situation and Fi was buying phone apps and pot, we'd be having a serious sit-down conversation about family responsibility. I'm sure you can do that in a way that stresses it's both of your money, for the whole family, and comes from a place of being concerned about the family and not just "mememe!"

Huh, that app definitely sounds like something I need in my life!

You ladies have definitely talked me into having a serious discussion with him about this, but I'm glad I posted here first. I got myself pretty worked up about it earlier, and probably would have come off like a crazy person.

lyndausvi · January 2015

ashley8918 said:

lyndausvi said:

Some habits are hard to break. It's only been since Sept that this arrangement started. I know when I quit my job to move it took me a little while to stop spending like I was working. We were the same as you as far as bills still getting paid, but we weren't saving as much as we could have been.

Maybe schedule a sit down on how the arrangement is going. Showing him the budget as a whole, how you might need to reevaluate fun money for both of you.

You know, I didn't really think of it this way. When we first decided that he would stay home, I immediately altered my spending habits (Buh bye 2x weekly lunches out at work ), so I just kind of assumed that he would adjust just as quickly.

I think it's a good idea in general to have a sit down to see how this new arrangement is going.

Going from a working person to a SAHP is not always an easy transition, even if it is the right thing to do. You see a lot of SAHM at the malls or out to lunch because they need to get out of the house or need some sort of interaction other than just the kid.

When I was unemployed I went out to lunch a few times a week simply to get out of the damn house. It was driving me crazy. You could find his app and pot purchases as an outlet. Not excusing the purchases, but saying there might be bigger issues out there. Sitting down seeing how the entire arrangement is working out both emotionally and financially might be a good idea.

rcher912 · January 2015

oh, OP. I didn't read the whole thread, but I read most of it, and I just wanted to add that my FI and I are very similar to you guys. I can't get him to stop what I feel like is unnecessary spending. Thankfully, he makes more than I do, so I'm currently riding the "whatever, it's your money" boat, even though that's a dream, considering I'm the one managing it all.

GL. And hugs. And support.

ashley8918 · January 2015

lyndausvi said:

ashley8918 said:

lyndausvi said:

Some habits are hard to break. It's only been since Sept that this arrangement started. I know when I quit my job to move it took me a little while to stop spending like I was working. We were the same as you as far as bills still getting paid, but we weren't saving as much as we could have been.

Maybe schedule a sit down on how the arrangement is going. Showing him the budget as a whole, how you might need to reevaluate fun money for both of you.

You know, I didn't really think of it this way. When we first decided that he would stay home, I immediately altered my spending habits (Buh bye 2x weekly lunches out at work ), so I just kind of assumed that he would adjust just as quickly.

I think it's a good idea in general to have a sit down to see how this new arrangement is going.

Going from a working person to a SAHP is not always an easy transition, even if it is the right thing to do. You see a lot of SAHM at the malls or out to lunch because they need to get out of the house or need some sort of interaction other than just the kid.

When I was unemployed I went out to lunch a few times a week simply to get out of the damn house. It was driving me crazy. You could find his app and pot purchases as an outlet. Not excusing the purchases, but saying there might be bigger issues out there. Sitting down seeing how the entire arrangement is working out both emotionally and financially might be a good idea.

I will definitely do that. I honestly don't think he's liking the arrangement all that much (I know I wouldn't), so that could definitely have something to do with it.

artbyallie · January 2015

The pot would concern me both for the legality (unless he has a valid Rx, which I'm guessing not since you don't mention one) and if he is partaking of it when he is supposed to be parenting. I am not jumping to the conclusion that he is, since adults can have intoxicating substances in the house and manage not to use them irresponsibly.

He definitely does need a come-to-Jesus, though. Spending the grocery money on drugs and games is not something a functional, responsible adult does. Dude should know better. Some of this is dependent on his reaction, too; did he go "Oh, shit, I'm SO sorry," or did he turn defensive or argumentative when/if you confronted him?

steph861 · January 2015

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I get the sense that you'd feel exactly the same way if he or both of you had earned the money. Which is justified, given your new financial situation.

I think there's a fear among a lot of couples that discussions about spending = policing the other's spending habits, and that prevents couples from having necessary discussions about money. It's all in how you frame and handle the discussion. Financial discussions don't have to be all about accusations and blame. In general, couples should talk about finances, and not just when things are particularly concerning.

All that is to say that yes, I think you need to have a discussion with your H - and I would say the same thing No matter what your financial circumstances are.

I wouldn't even bring up the specific expenses that bother you, or even say that his spending habits are bothering you. Instead, I'd frame it in terms of wanting to make sure you have a spending plan that both of you can live with now that you have a reduced household income. Say it's a New Year's resolution, and that's why you want to have the discussion now.

ETA
I think regular check-ins throughout the year to see where you are and how each of you is finding the arrangement would be a good idea as well.

Wegl13 · January 2015

I stayed at home ~6 weeks between jobs, and PPs are right- I spent ALL THE MONEYS, because.... I was bored, and sitting at home going "we need this! And this! And this!" And I'm pretty sure home goods would have made a fortune off of us if I hadn't sat MYSELF down and had a come to Jesus.
Thoughts: volunteering with the kid? My friends DH is doing a lot of volunteering right now (no baby) because he doesn't have a work visa. I found that when I had planned out-of-the-house time (maybe scheduled play dates or something.... Hell I know nothing about children) helped me spend less. Ditto PPs on sitting down, budgeting, and having judgement free "my money." I am a big fan of the envelope method, especially for the first few months- you know where you put your money in different envelopes for different budgets? I think there's a mental difference when you're handling real mulah and your envelope is fucking empty. I also think that David Ramsey has got some good points. I DO NOT AGREE WITH EVERYTHING DAVID RAMSEY SAYS. However after reading his book, I felt more "inspired" to save more in order to pay off my debt faster, and I appreciate him for giving me that inspiration.

sophhabobopha · January 2015

ashley8918 said:

bellaluna290 said:

You absolutely aren't being unreasonable. I would be livid if my H spent 40.00 on game purchases and spent money on things that are not needed like pot. I recommend using a budgeting tool like mint.com's budgeter. You can budget all you want, but it's going to go out the window if your H doesn't understand that he can't just throw away money on bullshit.

This is a good suggestion; thanks!

I love mint.com, very helpful!

beethery · January 2015

Mint and google docs are the bestest ever for keeping track of eeeeverything!

theartistformerlyknownas · January 2015

beethery said:
Mint and google docs are the bestest ever for keeping track of eeeeverything!

Yeah H and I have a Google doc to track our shared expenses and savings. I update it every week or so with our actuals against budget, and progress toward our down payment savings goal. There's functionality available through Bank of America to do this, but I prefer spreadsheets.

I'm just going to vent here, since I know I'm being a little unreasonable...

Re: I'm just going to vent here, since I know I'm being a little unreasonable...

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