Is this too much like a PPD? Please advise

vivelepunk · April 2015

Hi,

My FI and I are getting married (yay!) on May 2nd, we're doing a City Hall ceremony. This was entirely, 100% by choice. We had the option of having a small reception but ultimately decided we would rather save the money for our honeymoon, and we both couldn't be happier with that decision. We are going to City Hall with our parents, getting married, and then going out for a nice brunch.

My mom has been (mostly) supportive of this, but has really dug her heels in a few times. She is a very pushy person and somewhat narcissistic, she's not happy unless she gets her way. In adulthood, I've realized sometimes it is easier just to give in to her because the mental and emotional strain of fighting with her is really tough on me. We live on opposite sides of the country and most of the time, we have a decent (but somewhat distant) relationship. We have fought a bit with regards to wedding planning and I have given in because I honestly don't care to spend the energy fighting her. She wanted me to have a gown, I said no, she stopped speaking to me for 3 weeks, so now I have a gown. She wanted flowers and a limo, we now have flowers and a limo. Whatever. The point of the day for me is marrying my FI, and knowing that will get me through dealing with my mom.

She had the idea to throw us a belated reception in September, at her home on the eastern shore. I am looking forward to it, as it was originally slated to be a very casual event. However, she has started to ratchet up the plans a lot as of the past 2 weeks, and she tried to insist that I wear my gown at the reception. I said no, we fought about it, I said no again, and she gave in, but very huffily demanded that it will be hung up on display at the party.

My question is this: is it inappropriate to display my wedding gown at a belated reception? Is that too much like a PPD? Wedding announcements will be sent out on May 2nd, so it's not like anyone would be under the delusion that we aren't married until September, but I'm a pretty anxious person and I worry about doing The Wrong Thing. She is hosting, so I have let her do 99% of the planning (by choice), but this is the only thing that makes me slightly uneasy.

cheers,
L

flantastic · April 2015

vivelepunk said:
Hi,

My FI and I are getting married (yay!) on May 2nd, we're doing a City Hall ceremony. This was entirely, 100% by choice. We had the option of having a small reception but ultimately decided we would rather save the money for our honeymoon, and we both couldn't be happier with that decision. We are going to City Hall with our parents, getting married, and then going out for a nice brunch.

My mom has been (mostly) supportive of this, but has really dug her heels in a few times. She is a very pushy person and somewhat narcissistic, she's not happy unless she gets her way. In adulthood, I've realized sometimes it is easier just to give in to her because the mental and emotional strain of fighting with her is really tough on me. We live on opposite sides of the country and most of the time, we have a decent (but somewhat distant) relationship. We have fought a bit with regards to wedding planning and I have given in because I honestly don't care to spend the energy fighting her. She wanted me to have a gown, I said no, she stopped speaking to me for 3 weeks, so now I have a gown. She wanted flowers and a limo, we now have flowers and a limo. Whatever. The point of the day for me is marrying my FI, and knowing that will get me through dealing with my mom.

She had the idea to throw us a belated reception in September, at her home on the eastern shore. I am looking forward to it, as it was originally slated to be a very casual event. However, she has started to ratchet up the plans a lot as of the past 2 weeks, and she tried to insist that I wear my gown at the reception. I said no, we fought about it, I said no again, and she gave in, but very huffily demanded that it will be hung up on display at the party.

My question is this: is it inappropriate to display my wedding gown at a belated reception? Is that too much like a PPD? Wedding announcements will be sent out on May 2nd, so it's not like anyone would be under the delusion that we aren't married until September, but I'm a pretty anxious person and I worry about doing The Wrong Thing. She is hosting, so I have let her do 99% of the planning (by choice), but this is the only thing that makes me slightly uneasy.

cheers,
L

I wouldn't, mainly just because it's weird.

Don't bring the gown to the east coast. Problem solved.

I would think that your mom not talking to you for three weeks would be a blessing, not pressure to give in.

lovegood90 · April 2015

vivelepunk said:
Hi,

My FI and I are getting married (yay!) on May 2nd, we're doing a City Hall ceremony. This was entirely, 100% by choice. We had the option of having a small reception but ultimately decided we would rather save the money for our honeymoon, and we both couldn't be happier with that decision. We are going to City Hall with our parents, getting married, and then going out for a nice brunch.

My mom has been (mostly) supportive of this, but has really dug her heels in a few times. She is a very pushy person and somewhat narcissistic, she's not happy unless she gets her way. In adulthood, I've realized sometimes it is easier just to give in to her because the mental and emotional strain of fighting with her is really tough on me. We live on opposite sides of the country and most of the time, we have a decent (but somewhat distant) relationship. We have fought a bit with regards to wedding planning and I have given in because I honestly don't care to spend the energy fighting her. She wanted me to have a gown, I said no, she stopped speaking to me for 3 weeks, so now I have a gown. She wanted flowers and a limo, we now have flowers and a limo. Whatever. The point of the day for me is marrying my FI, and knowing that will get me through dealing with my mom.

She had the idea to throw us a belated reception in September, at her home on the eastern shore. I am looking forward to it, as it was originally slated to be a very casual event. However, she has started to ratchet up the plans a lot as of the past 2 weeks, and she tried to insist that I wear my gown at the reception. I said no, we fought about it, I said no again, and she gave in, but very huffily demanded that it will be hung up on display at the party.

My question is this: is it inappropriate to display my wedding gown at a belated reception? Is that too much like a PPD? Wedding announcements will be sent out on May 2nd, so it's not like anyone would be under the delusion that we aren't married until September, but I'm a pretty anxious person and I worry about doing The Wrong Thing. She is hosting, so I have let her do 99% of the planning (by choice), but this is the only thing that makes me slightly uneasy.

cheers,
L

Well, you can't call it a belated reception, but you can call it a celebration of marriage party (no vows, no wedding party, no "first dance," etc).

It's not technically against etiquette or anything to display the dress, but I personally think it's weird. I don't mean this in a rude way, but I don't think people actually care that much? Like of course they're excited for you, but I think displaying your dress as though it's the Mona Lisa or something is kind of weird. But to each their own.

Also, it may seem easier to give in to your mom in the moment, but the more you do that the more it reinforces that her behavior is okay.

sarawifenow · April 2015

First off, you need to learn to set boundaries with your mom. Keep giving in to her and she will just keep controling your life. What happens if you decide you don't want kids but she wants you to have them? You'll pop a couple out for mom?

I think it is weird to display your gown. Also, don't do a reception, just a party. No cake cutting, first dancing, or any other "weddingstuff".

vivelepunk said:
Hi,

My FI and I are getting married (yay!) on May 2nd, we're doing a City Hall ceremony. This was entirely, 100% by choice. We had the option of having a small reception but ultimately decided we would rather save the money for our honeymoon, and we both couldn't be happier with that decision. We are going to City Hall with our parents, getting married, and then going out for a nice brunch.

My mom has been (mostly) supportive of this, but has really dug her heels in a few times. She is a very pushy person and somewhat narcissistic, she's not happy unless she gets her way. In adulthood, I've realized sometimes it is easier just to give in to her because the mental and emotional strain of fighting with her is really tough on me. We live on opposite sides of the country and most of the time, we have a decent (but somewhat distant) relationship. We have fought a bit with regards to wedding planning and I have given in because I honestly don't care to spend the energy fighting her. She wanted me to have a gown, I said no, she stopped speaking to me for 3 weeks, so now I have a gown. She wanted flowers and a limo, we now have flowers and a limo. Whatever. The point of the day for me is marrying my FI, and knowing that will get me through dealing with my mom.

She had the idea to throw us a belated reception in September, at her home on the eastern shore. I am looking forward to it, as it was originally slated to be a very casual event. However, she has started to ratchet up the plans a lot as of the past 2 weeks, and she tried to insist that I wear my gown at the reception. I said no, we fought about it, I said no again, and she gave in, but very huffily demanded that it will be hung up on display at the party.

My question is this: is it inappropriate to display my wedding gown at a belated reception? Is that too much like a PPD? Wedding announcements will be sent out on May 2nd, so it's not like anyone would be under the delusion that we aren't married until September, but I'm a pretty anxious person and I worry about doing The Wrong Thing. She is hosting, so I have let her do 99% of the planning (by choice), but this is the only thing that makes me slightly uneasy.

cheers,
L

Maggie0829 · April 2015

First, stop succumbing to your Mother's demands. Seriously you need to put your foot down. You have already rolled over twice in regards to your dress and the flowers and limo. You need to put a stop to that. I mean think about the future. Do you really want your Mother to threaten to not talk to you each time you don't do as she wants?

As for your dress on display at the party. No. Forget the thing at home. Not only is it weird something could happen to it and if you plan on keeping it or selling it then you don't want to worry about it.

Fairyjen1 · April 2015

I'm in the camp of 'I don't care if you wear your gown'. I know there are many who disagree and I think the etiquette approved answer is 'No you should not wear your gown.'

It's probably one of the most expensive items of clothing you will buy so I say go for any excuse to wear it. Personally I wouldn't side eye it at all, it doesn't really affect your guests comfort and is a victim-less crime as far as I am concerned. I personally would want to see the bride in her dress! If you otherwise host properly I just don't see the harm.

I suppose if you have relatives who confuse easy they might wonder why there's no ceremony , but a gown and it could affect their comfort because of this confusion (someone brought this up as the argument against the dress), but you will know if there is anyone like that in your family or not.

levioosa · April 2015

I'm sorry your mom is controlling, but you are allowing her to have that power. Boundaries are your friend. She has to learn that she won't always get her way, and you will be happier and healthier for nipping the manipulation in the bud. It will be tough at first, but don't give in.

It sounds like you're set on doing this celebration, but I would conveniently "forget" my dress at home. She sounds like the type to wait for it to get there and then guilt you into wearing it on the day of the party.

littlepep · April 2015

Your mom sounds like a piece of work. You should really work on setting boundaries with her.

The celebration after is fine, but it's just a celebration of marriage not a reception. As PPs said, don't have a cake cutting, first dances, etc.

As far as the dress, I do think it's weird. Maybe you can just have some pictures from your wedding day out for people to see. I think that give people the opportunity to see you in your dress without it being on display.

Liatris2010 · April 2015

I don't think there is anything rude about having it on display. I do think that if it is on display people will encourage you to try it on for them. Considering that 1) you didn't want it in the first place and 2) you succumb to pressure easily, I would not bring or display the dress unless you are okay wearing it for some portion of the party.

fyrchk · April 2015

I think if you take your dress to be "displayed" you will end up as the mannequin. My mother is also extremely pushy and knows how to push my buttons. And yes, sometimes it is easier to shut down but they know this about us. You show up with that dress to display, you're gonna be wearing it all night...just sayin'.

vivelepunk · April 2015

Ugh, okay. Thanks for confirming that it actually IS really weird to hang it up on display. Will be "forgetting" it at home when we fly out for the party. I was feeling so self conscious about that. I didn't even want the damn thing to begin with (I like wedding gowns a lot on other people--they can be very pretty--but not my thing. I am a black jeans and ripped up sweater girl to the nth degree), and I hate wearing it.

The boundaries I've set with my mom included moving out when I was 17 and never coming back (got an apartment after my first semester in college and that was that). I've been in therapy for years (mostly with regards to her), and have made a lot of progress, but the easiest thing I can do is just not keep in very frequent contact with her. She does not listen to rational requests for more space, so I have just started not responding when she does something that is completely ridiculous.

Thanks for your honest opinions, I appreciate it.

MandyMost · April 2015

It's not a reception because a reception, by definition, accompanies an event--whether a wedding reception, or a reception for an academic symposium. You ARE having a reception, it's the brunch after your wedding.

Your mom is throwing a party in your honor in September. If it's a fancy party and everyone will be in gowns/evening dresses and tuxes/suits, then I think it's fine if you wear the same gown you wore to your wedding. But if it's a more casual party and you're not expecting the guests to also we wearing gowns, it would be weird to wear yours. Tell your mom you'll wear your gown if she also wears a gown, and the men wear suits/tuxes.

Displaying the gown seems odd and unnecessary, but not against etiquette. I'd tell her to just blow up a nice picture of you and your husband from the wedding--since it's a party in your honor, it's not weird to have a big photo of you.

TrixieJess · April 2015

vivelepunk said:
Hi,

My FI and I are getting married (yay!) on May 2nd, we're doing a City Hall ceremony. This was entirely, 100% by choice. We had the option of having a small reception but ultimately decided we would rather save the money for our honeymoon, and we both couldn't be happier with that decision. We are going to City Hall with our parents, getting married, and then going out for a nice brunch.

My mom has been (mostly) supportive of this, but has really dug her heels in a few times. She is a very pushy person and somewhat narcissistic, she's not happy unless she gets her way. In adulthood, I've realized sometimes it is easier just to give in to her because the mental and emotional strain of fighting with her is really tough on me. We live on opposite sides of the country and most of the time, we have a decent (but somewhat distant) relationship. We have fought a bit with regards to wedding planning and I have given in because I honestly don't care to spend the energy fighting her. She wanted me to have a gown, I said no, she stopped speaking to me for 3 weeks, so now I have a gown. She wanted flowers and a limo, we now have flowers and a limo. Whatever. The point of the day for me is marrying my FI, and knowing that will get me through dealing with my mom.

She had the idea to throw us a belated reception in September, at her home on the eastern shore. I am looking forward to it, as it was originally slated to be a very casual event. However, she has started to ratchet up the plans a lot as of the past 2 weeks, and she tried to insist that I wear my gown at the reception. I said no, we fought about it, I said no again, and she gave in, but very huffily demanded that it will be hung up on display at the party.

My question is this: is it inappropriate to display my wedding gown at a belated reception? Is that too much like a PPD? Wedding announcements will be sent out on May 2nd, so it's not like anyone would be under the delusion that we aren't married until September, but I'm a pretty anxious person and I worry about doing The Wrong Thing. She is hosting, so I have let her do 99% of the planning (by choice), but this is the only thing that makes me slightly uneasy.

cheers,
L

Hi, we could be sisters, my mother is exactly the same. One word: Boundaries. You need to develop them and keep them. My mother is the same way. I just shut her down and tell her, "no, this is what we are doing, if you don't like it, too bad."

It's great they want to have a party for you, but keep in mind that this is HER party, not yours. She may tell you she is throwing it for you, but it's really for her. If she starts doing something that you don't like or want, shut her and the event down. She will get over it.

vivelepunk · April 2015

TrixieJess said:

vivelepunk said:
Hi,

My FI and I are getting married (yay!) on May 2nd, we're doing a City Hall ceremony. This was entirely, 100% by choice. We had the option of having a small reception but ultimately decided we would rather save the money for our honeymoon, and we both couldn't be happier with that decision. We are going to City Hall with our parents, getting married, and then going out for a nice brunch.

My mom has been (mostly) supportive of this, but has really dug her heels in a few times. She is a very pushy person and somewhat narcissistic, she's not happy unless she gets her way. In adulthood, I've realized sometimes it is easier just to give in to her because the mental and emotional strain of fighting with her is really tough on me. We live on opposite sides of the country and most of the time, we have a decent (but somewhat distant) relationship. We have fought a bit with regards to wedding planning and I have given in because I honestly don't care to spend the energy fighting her. She wanted me to have a gown, I said no, she stopped speaking to me for 3 weeks, so now I have a gown. She wanted flowers and a limo, we now have flowers and a limo. Whatever. The point of the day for me is marrying my FI, and knowing that will get me through dealing with my mom.

She had the idea to throw us a belated reception in September, at her home on the eastern shore. I am looking forward to it, as it was originally slated to be a very casual event. However, she has started to ratchet up the plans a lot as of the past 2 weeks, and she tried to insist that I wear my gown at the reception. I said no, we fought about it, I said no again, and she gave in, but very huffily demanded that it will be hung up on display at the party.

My question is this: is it inappropriate to display my wedding gown at a belated reception? Is that too much like a PPD? Wedding announcements will be sent out on May 2nd, so it's not like anyone would be under the delusion that we aren't married until September, but I'm a pretty anxious person and I worry about doing The Wrong Thing. She is hosting, so I have let her do 99% of the planning (by choice), but this is the only thing that makes me slightly uneasy.

cheers,
L
Hi, we could be sisters, my mother is exactly the same. One word: Boundaries. You need to develop them and keep them. My mother is the same way. I just shut her down and tell her, "no, this is what we are doing, if you don't like it, too bad."

It's great they want to have a party for you, but keep in mind that this is HER party, not yours. She may tell you she is throwing it for you, but it's really for her. If she starts doing something that you don't like or want, shut her and the event down. She will get over it.

This seriously just made me have kind of an epiphany, ha. Thank you for this. It is utterly true. Taking everyone's advice and leaving the dress at home before we fly out.

novella1186 · April 2015

I'm sorry, OP. I've been having a hell of a time dealing with my parents too. I got a big dramatic text message from my mom this morning in which she demanded that my wedding is "her wedding too!" Ugh. So fucking frustrating trying to deal with her-- and my dad who's just a straight-up asshole, and I got a super shitty text from him yesterday out of the blue too. Wtf?

You get a ton of sympathy from me. A ton. I 100% agree with PP about setting some strong boundaries and sticking to them. Stop caving to your mom. Just quit talking to her if she throws a fit. And if she refuses to talk to you, good. Take a nice relaxing break from her nonsense. And best of luck with your wedding!

bizzy592 · April 2015

novella1186 said:
I'm sorry, OP. I've been having a hell of a time dealing with my parents too. I got a big dramatic text message from my mom this morning in which she demanded that my wedding is "her wedding too!" Ugh. So fucking frustrating trying to deal with her-- and my dad who's just a straight-up asshole, and I got a super shitty text from him yesterday out of the blue too. Wtf?

You get a ton of sympathy from me. A ton. I 100% agree with PP about setting some strong boundaries and sticking to them. Stop caving to your mom. Just quit talking to her if she throws a fit. And if she refuses to talk to you, good. Take a nice relaxing break from her nonsense. And best of luck with your wedding!

This, exactly. She knows that you fall for her guilt trips, and letting you stew in your stress for weeks is a power move. Forget that. Relax into it, and enjoy the silence. Also, you'll win by not giving into her tantrum.

[Deleted User] · April 2015

I don't think it's a PPD to have a celebration of marrige for you at back where she lives. No reason to turn down a party.

Instead of having your dress there what about having a photo album from your wedding day, or some framed photos from your wedding day displayed at the party? This way everyone can see how beautiful you looked on your wedding day without the headache of hauling your dress to the east coast.

delujm0 · April 2015

I wouldn't side-eye it if you wore the dress to the celebration event, but you clearly don't want to, so i don't think it should be on display at all. Perhaps you can have a picture of you and your husband in your wedding day attire blown up and sat on an easel by the entrance to the party, so that if people would like to see what you looked like in the dress, they can.

daria24 · April 2015

I'm normally in favor of wearing your dress to these things, but since you don't want to-seriously taking your dress on the plane is a PITA, unless you have a very simple gown. And you have to get it steamed once you are there usually. Tell her you aren't paying for a checked bag, She'll get over it.

annathy03 · April 2015

I'm another in the camp of not caring if a wife wants to wear her wedding dress to a celebration party (as long as there aren't other wedding trappings- fake ceremony, bridal party, etc), hell I don't even mind spotlight dances since I'm used to seeing them at milestone anniversary parties.

But YOU don't want to wear it, so DON'T. And I agree with Liatris, if it's hanging there you'll end up wearing it. Plus as a party guest I'd enjoy looking at photos from your wedding day, but honestly seeing your dress on display would be a little weird.

hyechica81 · April 2015

it would be a party to celebrate with friends and family as newlyweds no wedding dress should be worn but you can wear white if you wanted to but just not a wedding dress.

no formal cake cutting but you could have a cake that said congrats on it no first dances none of the bridal stuff just friends family good food laughs music and maybe some games but nothing bridal or wedding

Jen4948 · April 2015

While etiquette may not prohibit wearing your gown again after your wedding day, doing so could mislead the guests into believing that this is your actual wedding reception rather than a celebration. As unlikely as that may seem, I just wouldn't risk it. And as PPs have said, even if they're not misled, it would seem weird.

I'd also insist that the party not be referred to as a "reception." That suggests that you are receiving your actual wedding guests, which you won't be doing.

Is this too much like a PPD? Please advise

Re: Is this too much like a PPD? Please advise

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