Rehearsal Dinner

TrixieJess · June 2016

We own a house, we have a child, we are having a very small wedding. We have our priorities, a large wedding is not one of them.

I think you and your FI need to take a step back and decide what your priorities are. If you are taking your parents' money because you can't afford the type of wedding you want, then a) you have to accept the strings that come with the money; b) you scale back your wedding to something you can afford with your own money; c) you wait and save until you have enough money to pay for the dream wedding you want yourself.

You won't find a lot of sympathy for your predicament, the majority of brides on this site have or are paying for their weddings themselves or they had to contend with strings too.

JediElizabeth · June 2016

Also, you don't technically need a rehearsal dinner. People know how to walk. It's something FI & I planned on, until his family offered to pay for it. If you can't get a straight answer on it, skip it.

redoryx · June 2016

TrixieJess said:

We own a house, we have a child, we are having a very small wedding. We have our priorities, a large wedding is not one of them.

I think you and your FI need to take a step back and decide what your priorities are. If you are taking your parents' money because you can't afford the type of wedding you want, then a) you have to accept the strings that come with the money; b) you scale back your wedding to something you can afford with your own money; c) you wait and save until you have enough money to pay for the dream wedding you want yourself.

You won't find a lot of sympathy for your predicament, the majority of brides on this site have or are paying for their weddings themselves or they had to contend with strings too.

Yeah, OP, you seem to want to eat your cake and have it, too.

If you don't want to pay for your own wedding by saving up, then you have to accept that the money you are getting comes with strings attached. If you'd prefer to save up your money for something else, like a house, that's okay, too, but, again, that means the money you are accepting for the wedding comes with strings attached.

Your priority seems to be the "big, beautiful wedding" which is cool and all but, again, if you aren't willing to pay for it yourself that means the money you are accepting for the wedding comes with strings attached. Only you and your FI can decide if it's worth it to you -- we can't make that decision for you and you've been given lots of other options and helpful advice, none of which seems to be the answer you're looking for so I'm not entirely sure what you want us to tell you.

MandTFebruary62011 · June 2016

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

AddieCake said:

Nobody can forbid you to pay for your own wedding. How absurd, both for them to declare and for you to accept.

ETA: I'm starting to think you're full of shit.

Seriously, OP. How old are you? 12? Have your parents grounded you or something? OHMYGOD ARE YOU ALLOWED TO BE ONLINE WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION?

Let's play nice, posters. I'm sharing my experience and asking for help. This is what is happening. You can be helpful or snarky and mean.

Actually, we can be helpful AND snarky at the same time. These are not mutually exclusive.

So, me being helpful: unless your parents have frozen all of your accounts and cancelled your credit cards they cannot "forbid" you from paying for your own wedding.

From your other posts, it sounds like this wedding is causing a lot of drama. Perhaps going to the courthouse, just the two of you, would be a better way of getting married.

We did consider that. I can't do that---always dreamed of a big, beautiful wedding.

Can't and don't want to are two totally different things. You absolutely CAN have a courthouse wedding with your fiance but you would rather put yourself in this position so you can have a big beautiful wedding.

I usually just read these things and don't say much but I've got to be honest... reading all of your posts lately makes me wonder how much of this is really your mother in law and how much of it is you. She may honestly be very manipulative and difficult but the most I see the more it sounds like you are putting yourself in these situations. When you get married you are joining a family just like your future husband is joining yours. You aren't erasing the family life before that.

Oh and this is about a marriage - NOT about a wedding. It should be about being with someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with. The good times, the hard times and the lazy Sundays sitting on the couch. If the wedding is more important than anything else to you then you may need to rethink your priorities and figure out what you really want in life.

Knottie1466018219 · June 2016

MandTFebruary62011 said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

AddieCake said:

Nobody can forbid you to pay for your own wedding. How absurd, both for them to declare and for you to accept.

ETA: I'm starting to think you're full of shit.

Seriously, OP. How old are you? 12? Have your parents grounded you or something? OHMYGOD ARE YOU ALLOWED TO BE ONLINE WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION?

Let's play nice, posters. I'm sharing my experience and asking for help. This is what is happening. You can be helpful or snarky and mean.

Actually, we can be helpful AND snarky at the same time. These are not mutually exclusive.

So, me being helpful: unless your parents have frozen all of your accounts and cancelled your credit cards they cannot "forbid" you from paying for your own wedding.

From your other posts, it sounds like this wedding is causing a lot of drama. Perhaps going to the courthouse, just the two of you, would be a better way of getting married.

We did consider that. I can't do that---always dreamed of a big, beautiful wedding.

Can't and don't want to are two totally different things. You absolutely CAN have a courthouse wedding with your fiance but you would rather put yourself in this position so you can have a big beautiful wedding.

I usually just read these things and don't say much but I've got to be honest... reading all of your posts lately makes me wonder how much of this is really your mother in law and how much of it is you. She may honestly be very manipulative and difficult but the most I see the more it sounds like you are putting yourself in these situations. When you get married you are joining a family just like your future husband is joining yours. You aren't erasing the family life before that.

Oh and this is about a marriage - NOT about a wedding. It should be about being with someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with. The good times, the hard times and the lazy Sundays sitting on the couch. If the wedding is more important than anything else to you then you may need to rethink your priorities and figure out what you really want in life.

I was seriously hoping that once we are married, since we live far far away from that woman, that we could not have anything to do with her. That's what I'm going to hope for. That is my only hope.

geebee908 · June 2016

Knottie1466018219 said:

I was seriously hoping that once we are married, since we live far far away from that woman, that we could not have anything to do with her. That's what I'm going to hope for. That is my only hope.

This isn't a realistic approach if your FI loves his mother. I can see why she might not be enthralled with you if your plan seems to be that you'd take her son out of her life if you could.

You should work on forging at least a cordial relationship with her because she will be a part of your life if you marry her son.

kimmiinthemitten · June 2016

Knottie1466018219 said:

MandTFebruary62011 said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

AddieCake said:

Nobody can forbid you to pay for your own wedding. How absurd, both for them to declare and for you to accept.

ETA: I'm starting to think you're full of shit.

Seriously, OP. How old are you? 12? Have your parents grounded you or something? OHMYGOD ARE YOU ALLOWED TO BE ONLINE WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION?

Let's play nice, posters. I'm sharing my experience and asking for help. This is what is happening. You can be helpful or snarky and mean.

Actually, we can be helpful AND snarky at the same time. These are not mutually exclusive.

So, me being helpful: unless your parents have frozen all of your accounts and cancelled your credit cards they cannot "forbid" you from paying for your own wedding.

From your other posts, it sounds like this wedding is causing a lot of drama. Perhaps going to the courthouse, just the two of you, would be a better way of getting married.

We did consider that. I can't do that---always dreamed of a big, beautiful wedding.

Can't and don't want to are two totally different things. You absolutely CAN have a courthouse wedding with your fiance but you would rather put yourself in this position so you can have a big beautiful wedding.

I usually just read these things and don't say much but I've got to be honest... reading all of your posts lately makes me wonder how much of this is really your mother in law and how much of it is you. She may honestly be very manipulative and difficult but the most I see the more it sounds like you are putting yourself in these situations. When you get married you are joining a family just like your future husband is joining yours. You aren't erasing the family life before that.

Oh and this is about a marriage - NOT about a wedding. It should be about being with someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with. The good times, the hard times and the lazy Sundays sitting on the couch. If the wedding is more important than anything else to you then you may need to rethink your priorities and figure out what you really want in life.

I was seriously hoping that once we are married, since we live far far away from that woman, that we could not have anything to do with her. That's what I'm going to hope for. That is my only hope.

Que the suspense music...

Knottie1466018219 · June 2016

kimmiinthemitten said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

MandTFebruary62011 said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

AddieCake said:

Nobody can forbid you to pay for your own wedding. How absurd, both for them to declare and for you to accept.

ETA: I'm starting to think you're full of shit.

Seriously, OP. How old are you? 12? Have your parents grounded you or something? OHMYGOD ARE YOU ALLOWED TO BE ONLINE WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION?

Let's play nice, posters. I'm sharing my experience and asking for help. This is what is happening. You can be helpful or snarky and mean.

Actually, we can be helpful AND snarky at the same time. These are not mutually exclusive.

So, me being helpful: unless your parents have frozen all of your accounts and cancelled your credit cards they cannot "forbid" you from paying for your own wedding.

From your other posts, it sounds like this wedding is causing a lot of drama. Perhaps going to the courthouse, just the two of you, would be a better way of getting married.

We did consider that. I can't do that---always dreamed of a big, beautiful wedding.

Can't and don't want to are two totally different things. You absolutely CAN have a courthouse wedding with your fiance but you would rather put yourself in this position so you can have a big beautiful wedding.

I usually just read these things and don't say much but I've got to be honest... reading all of your posts lately makes me wonder how much of this is really your mother in law and how much of it is you. She may honestly be very manipulative and difficult but the most I see the more it sounds like you are putting yourself in these situations. When you get married you are joining a family just like your future husband is joining yours. You aren't erasing the family life before that.

Oh and this is about a marriage - NOT about a wedding. It should be about being with someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with. The good times, the hard times and the lazy Sundays sitting on the couch. If the wedding is more important than anything else to you then you may need to rethink your priorities and figure out what you really want in life.

I was seriously hoping that once we are married, since we live far far away from that woman, that we could not have anything to do with her. That's what I'm going to hope for. That is my only hope.

Que the suspense music...

I'll keep you posted! Don't worry

MandTFebruary62011 · June 2016

Knottie1466018219 said:

MandTFebruary62011 said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

AddieCake said:

Nobody can forbid you to pay for your own wedding. How absurd, both for them to declare and for you to accept.

ETA: I'm starting to think you're full of shit.

Seriously, OP. How old are you? 12? Have your parents grounded you or something? OHMYGOD ARE YOU ALLOWED TO BE ONLINE WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION?

Let's play nice, posters. I'm sharing my experience and asking for help. This is what is happening. You can be helpful or snarky and mean.

Actually, we can be helpful AND snarky at the same time. These are not mutually exclusive.

So, me being helpful: unless your parents have frozen all of your accounts and cancelled your credit cards they cannot "forbid" you from paying for your own wedding.

From your other posts, it sounds like this wedding is causing a lot of drama. Perhaps going to the courthouse, just the two of you, would be a better way of getting married.

We did consider that. I can't do that---always dreamed of a big, beautiful wedding.

Can't and don't want to are two totally different things. You absolutely CAN have a courthouse wedding with your fiance but you would rather put yourself in this position so you can have a big beautiful wedding.

I usually just read these things and don't say much but I've got to be honest... reading all of your posts lately makes me wonder how much of this is really your mother in law and how much of it is you. She may honestly be very manipulative and difficult but the most I see the more it sounds like you are putting yourself in these situations. When you get married you are joining a family just like your future husband is joining yours. You aren't erasing the family life before that.

Oh and this is about a marriage - NOT about a wedding. It should be about being with someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with. The good times, the hard times and the lazy Sundays sitting on the couch. If the wedding is more important than anything else to you then you may need to rethink your priorities and figure out what you really want in life.

I was seriously hoping that once we are married, since we live far far away from that woman, that we could not have anything to do with her. That's what I'm going to hope for. That is my only hope.

Ok. So I don't know you and I have no stake in you at all. But I want to share some experiences with you that might help add context.

This is your fiance's mother. You have not (that I've seen) given many details of her doing horrible, terrible, unforgiveable things to you. She may have said some negative stuff and be demanding about the wedding that she appears to be paying for (pretty generous if you ask me) but without many details at this point it's hard to see her as a "bad guy" here to the extent you seem to have. If your hope if to completely sever this relationship you could be in for a world of hurt.

My fiance was married before. His wife wanted nothing more than to separate him from his family. She saw him as "arm candy" (heard from multiple sources including him) and forbade him from doing things like seeing his parents, spending time with his sister and her new infants. This was one of the biggest factors in him leaving her.

Your mother in law is not just some woman. She is the woman who raised your fiance. With the exception of her having abused him in some way, having an addiction or mental illness/personality disorder, it's extremely unlikely that your fiance sees his mother the same way you do. What does HE want out of the relationship with his family? Even if she does have some of these issues, does HE want that relationship cut off? If not, you are potentially harming your marriage with him at the get go.

My ex had a very difficult mother. She had a lot of mental illness, was not able to be self sufficient and would regularly blow up at him or me. One time she had a break and called him and called me all kinds of names (whore, bitch etc). He had my back and we did not have contact with her for some time. It was hurtful but it wasn't 100% her, she was not fully in control. She actually doesn't even remember doing it. After a couple of months she was in the hospital for heart surgery. He said we wouldn't go visit and I said it was ridiculous. I needed him to stand up for me but I would not be the reason he did not have any relationship with his mother, even knowing how difficult his life was growing up with her.

My fiance's mother can be trying as well. But I know the importance a parent has in your life. I know I come first but I don't expect that means I'm the only important one. Because I have been open to her and what kind of relationship we can have, we now have a very nice relationship.

Moral of the story here is that based on what you've written so far I don't get the read this woman is the worst type of person in the world. It may be the lack of specific details you posted or it may be just fact. If she is not you will end up causing a great deal of unnecessary stress on your MARRIAGE by wanting that relationship to be completely severed after the wedding that she is helping to pay for... especially if your fiance would like to have a relationship with his family.

Knottie1466018219 · June 2016

MandTFebruary62011 said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

MandTFebruary62011 said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

AddieCake said:

Nobody can forbid you to pay for your own wedding. How absurd, both for them to declare and for you to accept.

ETA: I'm starting to think you're full of shit.

Seriously, OP. How old are you? 12? Have your parents grounded you or something? OHMYGOD ARE YOU ALLOWED TO BE ONLINE WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION?

Let's play nice, posters. I'm sharing my experience and asking for help. This is what is happening. You can be helpful or snarky and mean.

Actually, we can be helpful AND snarky at the same time. These are not mutually exclusive.

So, me being helpful: unless your parents have frozen all of your accounts and cancelled your credit cards they cannot "forbid" you from paying for your own wedding.

From your other posts, it sounds like this wedding is causing a lot of drama. Perhaps going to the courthouse, just the two of you, would be a better way of getting married.

We did consider that. I can't do that---always dreamed of a big, beautiful wedding.

Can't and don't want to are two totally different things. You absolutely CAN have a courthouse wedding with your fiance but you would rather put yourself in this position so you can have a big beautiful wedding.

I usually just read these things and don't say much but I've got to be honest... reading all of your posts lately makes me wonder how much of this is really your mother in law and how much of it is you. She may honestly be very manipulative and difficult but the most I see the more it sounds like you are putting yourself in these situations. When you get married you are joining a family just like your future husband is joining yours. You aren't erasing the family life before that.

Oh and this is about a marriage - NOT about a wedding. It should be about being with someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with. The good times, the hard times and the lazy Sundays sitting on the couch. If the wedding is more important than anything else to you then you may need to rethink your priorities and figure out what you really want in life.

I was seriously hoping that once we are married, since we live far far away from that woman, that we could not have anything to do with her. That's what I'm going to hope for. That is my only hope.

Ok. So I don't know you and I have no stake in you at all. But I want to share some experiences with you that might help add context.

This is your fiance's mother. You have not (that I've seen) given many details of her doing horrible, terrible, unforgiveable things to you. She may have said some negative stuff and be demanding about the wedding that she appears to be paying for (pretty generous if you ask me) but without many details at this point it's hard to see her as a "bad guy" here to the extent you seem to have. If your hope if to completely sever this relationship you could be in for a world of hurt.

My fiance was married before. His wife wanted nothing more than to separate him from his family. She saw him as "arm candy" (heard from multiple sources including him) and forbade him from doing things like seeing his parents, spending time with his sister and her new infants. This was one of the biggest factors in him leaving her.

Your mother in law is not just some woman. She is the woman who raised your fiance. With the exception of her having abused him in some way, having an addiction or mental illness/personality disorder, it's extremely unlikely that your fiance sees his mother the same way you do. What does HE want out of the relationship with his family? Even if she does have some of these issues, does HE want that relationship cut off? If not, you are potentially harming your marriage with him at the get go.

My ex had a very difficult mother. She had a lot of mental illness, was not able to be self sufficient and would regularly blow up at him or me. One time she had a break and called him and called me all kinds of names (whore, bitch etc). He had my back and we did not have contact with her for some time. It was hurtful but it wasn't 100% her, she was not fully in control. She actually doesn't even remember doing it. After a couple of months she was in the hospital for heart surgery. He said we wouldn't go visit and I said it was ridiculous. I needed him to stand up for me but I would not be the reason he did not have any relationship with his mother, even knowing how difficult his life was growing up with her.

My fiance's mother can be trying as well. But I know the importance a parent has in your life. I know I come first but I don't expect that means I'm the only important one. Because I have been open to her and what kind of relationship we can have, we now have a very nice relationship.

Moral of the story here is that based on what you've written so far I don't get the read this woman is the worst type of person in the world. It may be the lack of specific details you posted or it may be just fact. If she is not you will end up causing a great deal of unnecessary stress on your MARRIAGE by wanting that relationship to be completely severed after the wedding that she is helping to pay for... especially if your fiance would like to have a relationship with his family.

This is the most helpful comment I've received this far. Thank you so much for opening up to me and sharing your insights, experience, and advice. I'm sacred to post details as I'm scared she would possibly come across all of this.

glasgowtolondon · June 2016

Knottie1466018219 said:

MandTFebruary62011 said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

MandTFebruary62011 said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

AddieCake said:

Nobody can forbid you to pay for your own wedding. How absurd, both for them to declare and for you to accept.

ETA: I'm starting to think you're full of shit.

Seriously, OP. How old are you? 12? Have your parents grounded you or something? OHMYGOD ARE YOU ALLOWED TO BE ONLINE WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION?

Let's play nice, posters. I'm sharing my experience and asking for help. This is what is happening. You can be helpful or snarky and mean.

Actually, we can be helpful AND snarky at the same time. These are not mutually exclusive.

So, me being helpful: unless your parents have frozen all of your accounts and cancelled your credit cards they cannot "forbid" you from paying for your own wedding.

From your other posts, it sounds like this wedding is causing a lot of drama. Perhaps going to the courthouse, just the two of you, would be a better way of getting married.

We did consider that. I can't do that---always dreamed of a big, beautiful wedding.

Can't and don't want to are two totally different things. You absolutely CAN have a courthouse wedding with your fiance but you would rather put yourself in this position so you can have a big beautiful wedding.

I usually just read these things and don't say much but I've got to be honest... reading all of your posts lately makes me wonder how much of this is really your mother in law and how much of it is you. She may honestly be very manipulative and difficult but the most I see the more it sounds like you are putting yourself in these situations. When you get married you are joining a family just like your future husband is joining yours. You aren't erasing the family life before that.

Oh and this is about a marriage - NOT about a wedding. It should be about being with someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with. The good times, the hard times and the lazy Sundays sitting on the couch. If the wedding is more important than anything else to you then you may need to rethink your priorities and figure out what you really want in life.

I was seriously hoping that once we are married, since we live far far away from that woman, that we could not have anything to do with her. That's what I'm going to hope for. That is my only hope.

Ok. So I don't know you and I have no stake in you at all. But I want to share some experiences with you that might help add context.

This is your fiance's mother. You have not (that I've seen) given many details of her doing horrible, terrible, unforgiveable things to you. She may have said some negative stuff and be demanding about the wedding that she appears to be paying for (pretty generous if you ask me) but without many details at this point it's hard to see her as a "bad guy" here to the extent you seem to have. If your hope if to completely sever this relationship you could be in for a world of hurt.

My fiance was married before. His wife wanted nothing more than to separate him from his family. She saw him as "arm candy" (heard from multiple sources including him) and forbade him from doing things like seeing his parents, spending time with his sister and her new infants. This was one of the biggest factors in him leaving her.

Your mother in law is not just some woman. She is the woman who raised your fiance. With the exception of her having abused him in some way, having an addiction or mental illness/personality disorder, it's extremely unlikely that your fiance sees his mother the same way you do. What does HE want out of the relationship with his family? Even if she does have some of these issues, does HE want that relationship cut off? If not, you are potentially harming your marriage with him at the get go.

My ex had a very difficult mother. She had a lot of mental illness, was not able to be self sufficient and would regularly blow up at him or me. One time she had a break and called him and called me all kinds of names (whore, bitch etc). He had my back and we did not have contact with her for some time. It was hurtful but it wasn't 100% her, she was not fully in control. She actually doesn't even remember doing it. After a couple of months she was in the hospital for heart surgery. He said we wouldn't go visit and I said it was ridiculous. I needed him to stand up for me but I would not be the reason he did not have any relationship with his mother, even knowing how difficult his life was growing up with her.

My fiance's mother can be trying as well. But I know the importance a parent has in your life. I know I come first but I don't expect that means I'm the only important one. Because I have been open to her and what kind of relationship we can have, we now have a very nice relationship.

Moral of the story here is that based on what you've written so far I don't get the read this woman is the worst type of person in the world. It may be the lack of specific details you posted or it may be just fact. If she is not you will end up causing a great deal of unnecessary stress on your MARRIAGE by wanting that relationship to be completely severed after the wedding that she is helping to pay for... especially if your fiance would like to have a relationship with his family.

This is the most helpful comment I've received this far. Thank you so much for opening up to me and sharing your insights, experience, and advice. I'm sacred to post details as I'm scared she would possibly come across all of this.

Well, that sure hasn't stopped you from blowing up the moms and maids boards with comments all about her.

If your best plan is to hope that once you are married you can pretend she does not exist then I am now on team FMIL. She is your FI's mother, it us up to him whether or not he has a relationship with this woman. How cruel. I haven't really read anything you've written that makes me think she is such a horrid woman that she no longer deserves contact with her son. From your posts you seem very young. If you are not....then you seem very young. From what you have written it sounds like you and FI need to sit down and discuss establishing boundaries as a couple, and both be prepared to implement them - that means standing on your own two feet as adults. Although that may not work with your inability to pay for or compromise on your wedding. Good luck to you.

OliveOilsMom · June 2016

I also want to say OP, that I think its shitty to take FMIL's money to help pay for your dream wedding when you want nothing to do with her after said dream wedding.

crowsgirl15 · June 2016

OliveOilsMom said:

I also want to say OP, that I think its shitty to take FMIL's money to help pay for your dream wedding when you want nothing to do with her after said dream wedding.

+1

If you want to move far, far away from her and have nothing to do with her, a good place to start would be turning down her money for your wedding.

climbingsingle · June 2016

OliveOilsMom said:

I also want to say OP, that I think its shitty to take FMIL's money to help pay for your dream wedding when you want nothing to do with her after said dream wedding.

Ditto this 100%. You're OK taking her money to pay for your "dream wedding", but then you'd like her to disappear and essentially not exist in your lives anymore? That's pretty gross and selfish.

DrillSergeantCat · June 2016

No matter what you do or where you move, OP, this woman is still your future husband's mother. She is going to be in your life in some capacity for the duration of your marriage. If you can't imagine being an adult and dealing politely with her without bashing her to a bunch of internet strangers, perhaps you should find a new man to marry.

eta -
I've been thinking about this the past two hours. I was married for almost 18 years before divorcing 2 years ago. One of our biggest issues (in my eyes) was the way his family treated me and the fact that he didn't stand up for me with them. He'd tell me "they're mad at you for XYZ," but never what he did to stand up for me or even tell me in a way that allowed me to stand up for myself.

Here's a good example...we have a son together and when he was going into high school he took his course catalog to show his grandma (ex's mom). She took it and planned his first year of HS with him. Then, before school started she found out one of his teachers was a friend of hers and told us that she told this friend to contact her if he had any issues. She later texted me to apologize and I told her "when you do things like plan his first year of HS and ask his teachers to contact you instead of us, it makes me feel like you feel like we're bad parents." This was such an egregious statement in her eyes that I was banned from their home for 2 weeks. Instead of my ex telling his parents how ridiculous that was, he hid the fact that they were upset with me.

No matter what his family said or did, I was wrong, I needed to let it go. He didn't take up for me.

When you marry someone, you marry their family, too. If you can't see yourself dealing with them at family gatherings, you really do need to reconsider. Especially if your FI isn't willing to have your back. My ex was too scared to rock the boat with his family and it ended up capsizing our boat (among several other things).

Knottie1466018219 · June 2016

Maybe it would be easier to just call of the whole wedding/marriage. I don't want this woman in my life. It's making me BSC.

Knottie1466018219 · June 2016

climbingwife said:

OliveOilsMom said:

I also want to say OP, that I think its shitty to take FMIL's money to help pay for your dream wedding when you want nothing to do with her after said dream wedding.

Ditto this 100%. You're OK taking her money to pay for your "dream wedding", but then you'd like her to disappear and essentially not exist in your lives anymore? That's pretty gross and selfish.

How is that gross and selfish? I like to think of it as sweet revenge!

ShesSoCold · June 2016

Knottie1466018219 said:

climbingwife said:

OliveOilsMom said:

I also want to say OP, that I think its shitty to take FMIL's money to help pay for your dream wedding when you want nothing to do with her after said dream wedding.

Ditto this 100%. You're OK taking her money to pay for your "dream wedding", but then you'd like her to disappear and essentially not exist in your lives anymore? That's pretty gross and selfish.

climbingwife said:

OliveOilsMom said:

I also want to say OP, that I think its shitty to take FMIL's money to help pay for your dream wedding when you want nothing to do with her after said dream wedding.

Ditto this 100%. You're OK taking her money to pay for your "dream wedding", but then you'd like her to disappear and essentially not exist in your lives anymore? That's pretty gross and selfish.

climbingwife said:

OliveOilsMom said:

I also want to say OP, that I think its shitty to take FMIL's money to help pay for your dream wedding when you want nothing to do with her after said dream wedding.

Ditto this 100%. You're OK taking her money to pay for your "dream wedding", but then you'd like her to disappear and essentially not exist in your lives anymore? That's pretty gross and selfish.

climbingwife said:

OliveOilsMom said:

I also want to say OP, that I think its shitty to take FMIL's money to help pay for your dream wedding when you want nothing to do with her after said dream wedding.

Ditto this 100%. You're OK taking her money to pay for your "dream wedding", but then you'd like her to disappear and essentially not exist in your lives anymore? That's pretty gross and selfish.

How is that gross and selfish? I like to think of it as sweet revenge!

Does your fiancé know you feel like this?

TrixieJess · June 2016

Knottie1466018219 said:

climbingwife said:

OliveOilsMom said:

I also want to say OP, that I think its shitty to take FMIL's money to help pay for your dream wedding when you want nothing to do with her after said dream wedding.

Ditto this 100%. You're OK taking her money to pay for your "dream wedding", but then you'd like her to disappear and essentially not exist in your lives anymore? That's pretty gross and selfish.

climbingwife said:

OliveOilsMom said:

I also want to say OP, that I think its shitty to take FMIL's money to help pay for your dream wedding when you want nothing to do with her after said dream wedding.

Ditto this 100%. You're OK taking her money to pay for your "dream wedding", but then you'd like her to disappear and essentially not exist in your lives anymore? That's pretty gross and selfish.

climbingwife said:

OliveOilsMom said:

I also want to say OP, that I think its shitty to take FMIL's money to help pay for your dream wedding when you want nothing to do with her after said dream wedding.

Ditto this 100%. You're OK taking her money to pay for your "dream wedding", but then you'd like her to disappear and essentially not exist in your lives anymore? That's pretty gross and selfish.

climbingwife said:

OliveOilsMom said:

I also want to say OP, that I think its shitty to take FMIL's money to help pay for your dream wedding when you want nothing to do with her after said dream wedding.

Ditto this 100%. You're OK taking her money to pay for your "dream wedding", but then you'd like her to disappear and essentially not exist in your lives anymore? That's pretty gross and selfish.

How is that gross and selfish? I like to think of it as sweet revenge!

Then you are definitely not mature enough to get married.

You are joining a family together. You are taking the good and the bad. Suck it up buttercup, you have to contend with his mother for the rest of your lives in some way. If you try and drive a wedge and he is not fully committed to doing so, you will not have a good marriage.

You have stated several times that you are all about the wedding, have you actually thought further than that and looked at what your actual marriage will look like? What if you decide to have children? Are you going to cut off an entire side of the family?

You are being selfish and cruel.

CSunshine76 · June 2016

Knottie1466018219 said:

climbingwife said:

OliveOilsMom said:

I also want to say OP, that I think its shitty to take FMIL's money to help pay for your dream wedding when you want nothing to do with her after said dream wedding.

Ditto this 100%. You're OK taking her money to pay for your "dream wedding", but then you'd like her to disappear and essentially not exist in your lives anymore? That's pretty gross and selfish.

climbingwife said:

OliveOilsMom said:

I also want to say OP, that I think its shitty to take FMIL's money to help pay for your dream wedding when you want nothing to do with her after said dream wedding.

Ditto this 100%. You're OK taking her money to pay for your "dream wedding", but then you'd like her to disappear and essentially not exist in your lives anymore? That's pretty gross and selfish.

climbingwife said:

OliveOilsMom said:

I also want to say OP, that I think its shitty to take FMIL's money to help pay for your dream wedding when you want nothing to do with her after said dream wedding.

Ditto this 100%. You're OK taking her money to pay for your "dream wedding", but then you'd like her to disappear and essentially not exist in your lives anymore? That's pretty gross and selfish.

climbingwife said:

OliveOilsMom said:

I also want to say OP, that I think its shitty to take FMIL's money to help pay for your dream wedding when you want nothing to do with her after said dream wedding.

Ditto this 100%. You're OK taking her money to pay for your "dream wedding", but then you'd like her to disappear and essentially not exist in your lives anymore? That's pretty gross and selfish.

How is that gross and selfish? I like to think of it as sweet revenge!

Okay this HAS to be MUD. If not, you've got a lot of growing up to do, and it's disgusting you would treat your Fiancé's mother this way. Gross doesn't begin to describe it.

climbingsingle · June 2016

Knottie1466018219 said:

climbingwife said:

OliveOilsMom said:

I also want to say OP, that I think its shitty to take FMIL's money to help pay for your dream wedding when you want nothing to do with her after said dream wedding.

Ditto this 100%. You're OK taking her money to pay for your "dream wedding", but then you'd like her to disappear and essentially not exist in your lives anymore? That's pretty gross and selfish.

climbingwife said:

OliveOilsMom said:

I also want to say OP, that I think its shitty to take FMIL's money to help pay for your dream wedding when you want nothing to do with her after said dream wedding.

Ditto this 100%. You're OK taking her money to pay for your "dream wedding", but then you'd like her to disappear and essentially not exist in your lives anymore? That's pretty gross and selfish.

climbingwife said:

OliveOilsMom said:

I also want to say OP, that I think its shitty to take FMIL's money to help pay for your dream wedding when you want nothing to do with her after said dream wedding.

Ditto this 100%. You're OK taking her money to pay for your "dream wedding", but then you'd like her to disappear and essentially not exist in your lives anymore? That's pretty gross and selfish.

climbingwife said:

OliveOilsMom said:

I also want to say OP, that I think its shitty to take FMIL's money to help pay for your dream wedding when you want nothing to do with her after said dream wedding.

Ditto this 100%. You're OK taking her money to pay for your "dream wedding", but then you'd like her to disappear and essentially not exist in your lives anymore? That's pretty gross and selfish.

How is that gross and selfish? I like to think of it as sweet revenge!

Revenge for what? You are behaving like a child. This is your FI's mother! Why do you want to get revenge on her?

The idea of taking someone's money just to turn around and hurt them is pretty cold. Why would you not want your husband to have a relationship with his mother??

If you're thinking of calling off the wedding because of her, I think you've got bigger problems. You don't sound mature enough to be entering into a marriage. And honestly, it sounds like maybe your FMIL is right to have some trepidation regarding her son's relationship with you.

kimmiinthemitten · June 2016

Knottie1466018219 said:

Maybe it would be easier to just call of the whole wedding/marriage. I don't want this woman in my life. It's making me BSC.

We crossed into BSC a long time ago.

I'm doubling down on MUD now. As someone with a BSC and emotionally manipulative FMIL, if it got to the point where I was seriously considering cancelling the wedding, I would be beside myself. Take her good days and her bad, I'll deal with her forever because he's in my corner and there's no place I'd rather be. But then again, I care more about my marriage than my wedding day so FI isn't just a prop for my wedding cake topper.

charlotte989875 · June 2016

Knottie1466018219 said:

Maybe it would be easier to just call of the whole wedding/marriage. I don't want this woman in my life. It's making me BSC.

Did you really just say taking the money and citing her out of your lives will be sweet revenge? And you're willing to call off your marriage because of this? You're either a troll or a child.

Many women men on these boards have for the right to be married to the person they love and have that marriage recognized, many others have lost family close family members before their weddings or changed their dream wedding plans in order to have their family members present. Your flippant attitude about marriage is insulting.

bleve0821 · June 2016

Knottie1466018219 said:

Maybe it would be easier to just call of the whole wedding/marriage. I don't want this woman in my life. It's making me BSC.

Maybe you should, because it sounds to me like you're in this for the party and not for the lifetime commitment.

I'm sure you knew before you got engaged that your FI has a mother, and I'm sure you were aware that marrying your FI would result in his mother becoming a large part of your life. That's kind of what happens in marriage, when you tie your life and future to another person. It's a package deal. Odds are you knew what FI's mother was like BEFORE you got engaged. This should not have come as a surprise.

If you don't want this woman in your life, then you should be rethinking this marriage, because she will always be part of your FH's life. Unless he shares your desire to sever ties, in which case that's HIS decision, 100%.

If you're actually committed to the marriage and not the party, then you'd understand that you will be expected, if not by FILs, then by FH, to spend holidays with his family. Any children you have will be expected to have a relationship with their grandparents. If you cannot see the bigger picture here, that no matter how much you despise this woman she is going to be part of FH's life and thereby part of yours, you are not ready for this marriage.

Marriage is a commitment, not a party, and if this isn't MUD, then it's time to step back and reconsider completely.

ShesSoCold · June 2016

The more OP posts, the more I am team MIL.

crowsgirl15 · June 2016

ShesSoCold said:

The more OP posts, the more I am team MIL.

This. A thousand times. I had my hackles up when the complaint was "talking trash about me behind my back". I bet the other half of this story is really interesting.

NowIAmSyp · June 2016

ShesSoCold said:

The more OP posts, the more I am team MIL.

This.

So. Many. Posts.

Knottie1466018219 · June 2016

ShesSoCold said:

The more OP posts, the more I am team MIL.

Don't you mean team FMIL? Dear lord she is not my MIL!

crowsgirl15 · June 2016

Knottie1466018219 said:

ShesSoCold said:

The more OP posts, the more I am team MIL.

Don't you mean team FMIL? Dear lord she is not my MIL!

Is this a joke? I mean...she's not your MIL yet, but it's inevitable...

madamerwin · June 2016

Knottie1466018219 said:

climbingwife said:

OliveOilsMom said:

I also want to say OP, that I think its shitty to take FMIL's money to help pay for your dream wedding when you want nothing to do with her after said dream wedding.

Ditto this 100%. You're OK taking her money to pay for your "dream wedding", but then you'd like her to disappear and essentially not exist in your lives anymore? That's pretty gross and selfish.

How is that gross and selfish? I like to think of it as sweet revenge!

Unless she has been abusive to you or FI, how does she deserve revenge? This is ridiculous. You sound like you're twelve years old. Taking money that has been generously offered, complaining about the strings attached, refusing to be an adult and save up for your own damn wedding, and then cutting this woman out of your life is just ridiculous.

Knottie1466018219 said:

Maybe it would be easier to just call of the whole wedding/marriage. I don't want this woman in my life. It's making me BSC.

You should really consider this. It sounds like a big wedding is more important to you than the marriage itself. When you marry someone, you are joining families. Unless your FI wants to cut off contact, then you will have to deal with this woman for the rest of your life. Take some time to mature before jumping into a marriage you are not emotionally prepared for, because clearly you are not ready to be married.

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