Rehearsal Dinner

Knottie1466018219

I have a FMIL who agreed to pay for the Rehearsal Dinner, which is awesome!  She keeps changing her mind and lowering the amount she will contribute.  It's frustrating and stressful because my FI and I would like to lock down a venue and menu. She doesn't want to do a damn thing when it comes to planning it.  She wants FI and I to do ALL of the planning! Do you have any suggestions as to how to handle this?

Knottie1466018219

I should also note that she is incredibly manipulative.

Viczaesar

Knottie1466018219 said:

I have a FMIL who agreed to pay for the Rehearsal Dinner, which is awesome!  She keeps changing her mind and lowering the amount she will contribute.  It's frustrating and stressful because my FI and I would like to lock down a venue and menu.  Do you have any suggestions as to how to handle this?

Let her make the arrangements.  If she's paying she gets to decide where and who and how much.

Knottie1466018219

Viczaesar said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

I have a FMIL who agreed to pay for the Rehearsal Dinner, which is awesome!  She keeps changing her mind and lowering the amount she will contribute.  It's frustrating and stressful because my FI and I would like to lock down a venue and menu.  Do you have any suggestions as to how to handle this?

Let her make the arrangements.  If she's paying she gets to decide where and who and how much.

Ah!  That's another thing...she doesn't want to do a damn thing when it comes to planning it.  She wants FI and I to do ALL of the planning!

glasgowtolondon

You can always pay for and plan it yourself?

Viczaesar

Knottie1466018219 said:

Viczaesar said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

I have a FMIL who agreed to pay for the Rehearsal Dinner, which is awesome!  She keeps changing her mind and lowering the amount she will contribute.  It's frustrating and stressful because my FI and I would like to lock down a venue and menu.  Do you have any suggestions as to how to handle this?

Let her make the arrangements.  If she's paying she gets to decide where and who and how much.

Ah!  That's another thing...she doesn't want to do a damn thing when it comes to planning it.  She wants FI and I to do ALL of the planning!

Then unless and until you have money in hand I'd assume that you and FI are paying and plan accordingly.  Don't count on her money until it appears, and don't count on it being the amount you are promised.

You say she agreed to pay for the rehearsal dinner - did she offer or did you guys ask?

Knottie1466018219

glasgowtolondon said:

You can always pay for and plan it yourself?

I so wish we could!  We have been forbaded by his family and my family to pay for anything wedding related. Which is very generous of them to intend to have it that way. FI and I are broke and this wedding of ours is the only reason our families are being so generous to us. 

glasgowtolondon

Knottie1466018219 said:

glasgowtolondon said:

You can always pay for and plan it yourself?

I so wish we could!  We have been forbaded by his family and my family to pay for anything wedding related. Which is very generous of them to intend to have it that way. FI and I are broke and this wedding of ours is the only reason our families are being so generous to us. 

How can you be forbidden? Thats ridiculous. You either decline the money they are generously giving you due to the amount of conditions your families are placing on this cash or you accept their terms. If I were you I'd have FI sit down with her and explain that you both need a budget in order to plan the dinner, if she cannot give this then you have no choice but to take on the cost and responsibility as a couple. You need to engage FI with any issues to do with his family. If he won't help you that is a bigger issue.

Knottie1466018219

glasgowtolondon said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

glasgowtolondon said:

You can always pay for and plan it yourself?

I so wish we could!  We have been forbaded by his family and my family to pay for anything wedding related. Which is very generous of them to intend to have it that way. FI and I are broke and this wedding of ours is the only reason our families are being so generous to us. 

How can you be forbidden? Thats ridiculous. You either decline the money they are generously giving you due to the amount of conditions your families are placing on this cash or you accept their terms. If I were you I'd have FI sit down with her and explain that you both need a budget in order to plan the dinner, if she cannot give this then you have no choice but to take on the cost and responsibility as a couple. You need to engage FI with any issues to do with his family. If he won't help you that is a bigger issue.

He has sat down with her. She agreed to higher amount. Then she cut it in half. Then she doubled it. We started planning the dinner but then she cut the budget by 20%. Then she upped it again. It's driving me nuts!!! And it's costing SO much money because her and her family have religious demands about the venue and food which really narrows our selections and increases the cost. 

glasgowtolondon

You know you don't actually NEED to have a rehersal, right? If you don't have a rehersal there is no need to host a dinner. You could also host your guests in your home instead of a venue, and have pizza and beer. It doesn't have to be a big expensive thing.

JediElizabeth

Knottie1466018219 said:

glasgowtolondon said:

You can always pay for and plan it yourself?

I so wish we could!  We have been forbaded by his family and my family to pay for anything wedding related. Which is very generous of them to intend to have it that way. FI and I are broke and this wedding of ours is the only reason our families are being so generous to us. 

I'm sorry, but what? Being forbidden to do anything is the best way to get me to do something else - moreso that I'm an adult than when I was a teenager even. "You're telling me I'm not allowed to pay for anything in my wedding? I'm eloping at a B&B, because that's what I can afford without your input."

I would consider seriously talking with your FI about how much control your families have over your lives, and making sure they know that you're two autonomous adults who appreciate their help and input, but who make your own decisions. 

glasgowtolondon

Knottie1466018219 said:

glasgowtolondon said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

glasgowtolondon said:

You can always pay for and plan it yourself?

I so wish we could!  We have been forbaded by his family and my family to pay for anything wedding related. Which is very generous of them to intend to have it that way. FI and I are broke and this wedding of ours is the only reason our families are being so generous to us. 

How can you be forbidden? Thats ridiculous. You either decline the money they are generously giving you due to the amount of conditions your families are placing on this cash or you accept their terms. If I were you I'd have FI sit down with her and explain that you both need a budget in order to plan the dinner, if she cannot give this then you have no choice but to take on the cost and responsibility as a couple. You need to engage FI with any issues to do with his family. If he won't help you that is a bigger issue.

He has sat down with her. She agreed to higher amount. Then she cut it in half. Then she doubled it. We started planning the dinner but then she cut the budget by 20%. Then she upped it again. It's driving me nuts!!! And it's costing SO much money because her and her family have religious demands about the venue and food which really narrows our selections and increases the cost. 

Religious demands for the venue? As in, not church related? From your MOB attire post suggesting she didn't know not to wear a mini skirt in church I assume she is not religious?

Knottie1466018219

glasgowtolondon said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

glasgowtolondon said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

glasgowtolondon said:

You can always pay for and plan it yourself?

I so wish we could!  We have been forbaded by his family and my family to pay for anything wedding related. Which is very generous of them to intend to have it that way. FI and I are broke and this wedding of ours is the only reason our families are being so generous to us. 

How can you be forbidden? Thats ridiculous. You either decline the money they are generously giving you due to the amount of conditions your families are placing on this cash or you accept their terms. If I were you I'd have FI sit down with her and explain that you both need a budget in order to plan the dinner, if she cannot give this then you have no choice but to take on the cost and responsibility as a couple. You need to engage FI with any issues to do with his family. If he won't help you that is a bigger issue.

He has sat down with her. She agreed to higher amount. Then she cut it in half. Then she doubled it. We started planning the dinner but then she cut the budget by 20%. Then she upped it again. It's driving me nuts!!! And it's costing SO much money because her and her family have religious demands about the venue and food which really narrows our selections and increases the cost. 

Religious demands for the venue? As in, not church related? From your MOB attire post suggesting she didn't know not to wear a mini skirt in church I assume she is not religious?

That's one of the problems. She's super religious yet her mind is crazy for thinking that it's okay to wear a mini skirt. 

AddieCake

Nobody can forbid you to pay for your own wedding. How absurd, both for them to declare and for you to accept. 

ETA: I'm starting to think you're full of shit.

redoryx

AddieCake said:

Nobody can forbid you to pay for your own wedding. How absurd, both for them to declare and for you to accept. 

ETA: I'm starting to think you're full of shit.

Seriously, OP. How old are you? 12? Have your parents grounded you or something? OHMYGOD ARE YOU ALLOWED TO BE ONLINE WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION? 

Knottie1466018219

redoryx said:

AddieCake said:

Nobody can forbid you to pay for your own wedding. How absurd, both for them to declare and for you to accept. 

ETA: I'm starting to think you're full of shit.

Seriously, OP. How old are you? 12? Have your parents grounded you or something? OHMYGOD ARE YOU ALLOWED TO BE ONLINE WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION? 

Let's play nice, posters. I'm sharing my experience and asking for help. This is what is happening. You can be helpful or snarky and mean. 

crowsgirl15

AddieCake said:

Nobody can forbid you to pay for your own wedding. How absurd, both for them to declare and for you to accept. 

ETA: I'm starting to think you're full of shit.

I think it's less about being "forbidden to pay for your own wedding", and more about wanting a big, fancy wedding but not having the resources to fund it, so you'll complain about what you view as "frustrating and stressful"...but certainly not frustrating and stressful enough to refuse the money and plan something you can afford instead.

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

AddieCake said:

Nobody can forbid you to pay for your own wedding. How absurd, both for them to declare and for you to accept. 

ETA: I'm starting to think you're full of shit.

Seriously, OP. How old are you? 12? Have your parents grounded you or something? OHMYGOD ARE YOU ALLOWED TO BE ONLINE WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION? 

Let's play nice, posters. I'm sharing my experience and asking for help. This is what is happening. You can be helpful or snarky and mean. 

People have been very helpful. They've explained to you that you can pay for this yourself. I'm beginning to think it's less about you being "forbidden" from doing so, and more about you not wanting to figure out the finances.

redoryx

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

AddieCake said:

Nobody can forbid you to pay for your own wedding. How absurd, both for them to declare and for you to accept. 

ETA: I'm starting to think you're full of shit.

Seriously, OP. How old are you? 12? Have your parents grounded you or something? OHMYGOD ARE YOU ALLOWED TO BE ONLINE WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION? 

Let's play nice, posters. I'm sharing my experience and asking for help. This is what is happening. You can be helpful or snarky and mean. 

Actually, we can be helpful AND snarky at the same time. These are not mutually exclusive. 

So, me being helpful: unless your parents have frozen all of your accounts and cancelled your credit cards they cannot "forbid" you from paying for your own wedding. 

From your other posts, it sounds like this wedding is causing a lot of drama. Perhaps going to the courthouse, just the two of you, would be a better way of getting married.

Knottie1466018219

redoryx said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

AddieCake said:

Nobody can forbid you to pay for your own wedding. How absurd, both for them to declare and for you to accept. 

ETA: I'm starting to think you're full of shit.

Seriously, OP. How old are you? 12? Have your parents grounded you or something? OHMYGOD ARE YOU ALLOWED TO BE ONLINE WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION? 

Let's play nice, posters. I'm sharing my experience and asking for help. This is what is happening. You can be helpful or snarky and mean. 

Actually, we can be helpful AND snarky at the same time. These are not mutually exclusive. 

So, me being helpful: unless your parents have frozen all of your accounts and cancelled your credit cards they cannot "forbid" you from paying for your own wedding. 

From your other posts, it sounds like this wedding is causing a lot of drama. Perhaps going to the courthouse, just the two of you, would be a better way of getting married.

We did consider that. I can't do that---always dreamed of a big, beautiful wedding. 

crowsgirl15

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

AddieCake said:

Nobody can forbid you to pay for your own wedding. How absurd, both for them to declare and for you to accept. 

ETA: I'm starting to think you're full of shit.

Seriously, OP. How old are you? 12? Have your parents grounded you or something? OHMYGOD ARE YOU ALLOWED TO BE ONLINE WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION? 

Let's play nice, posters. I'm sharing my experience and asking for help. This is what is happening. You can be helpful or snarky and mean. 

Actually, we can be helpful AND snarky at the same time. These are not mutually exclusive. 

So, me being helpful: unless your parents have frozen all of your accounts and cancelled your credit cards they cannot "forbid" you from paying for your own wedding. 

From your other posts, it sounds like this wedding is causing a lot of drama. Perhaps going to the courthouse, just the two of you, would be a better way of getting married.

We did consider that. I can't do that---always dreamed of a big, beautiful wedding. 

Then you should pay for it. That way, you won't have to deal with the stress of other peoples' desires for how their money is spent.

Knottie1466018219

crowsgirl15 said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

AddieCake said:

Nobody can forbid you to pay for your own wedding. How absurd, both for them to declare and for you to accept. 

ETA: I'm starting to think you're full of shit.

Seriously, OP. How old are you? 12? Have your parents grounded you or something? OHMYGOD ARE YOU ALLOWED TO BE ONLINE WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION? 

Let's play nice, posters. I'm sharing my experience and asking for help. This is what is happening. You can be helpful or snarky and mean. 

Actually, we can be helpful AND snarky at the same time. These are not mutually exclusive. 

So, me being helpful: unless your parents have frozen all of your accounts and cancelled your credit cards they cannot "forbid" you from paying for your own wedding. 

From your other posts, it sounds like this wedding is causing a lot of drama. Perhaps going to the courthouse, just the two of you, would be a better way of getting married.

We did consider that. I can't do that---always dreamed of a big, beautiful wedding. 

Then you should pay for it. That way, you won't have to deal with the stress of other peoples' desires for how their money is spent.

Trust me. We wish we could. We are so tight on money--that's why both families forbade us for paying for any of it!

JediElizabeth

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

AddieCake said:

Nobody can forbid you to pay for your own wedding. How absurd, both for them to declare and for you to accept. 

ETA: I'm starting to think you're full of shit.

Seriously, OP. How old are you? 12? Have your parents grounded you or something? OHMYGOD ARE YOU ALLOWED TO BE ONLINE WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION? 

Let's play nice, posters. I'm sharing my experience and asking for help. This is what is happening. You can be helpful or snarky and mean. 

Actually, we can be helpful AND snarky at the same time. These are not mutually exclusive. 

So, me being helpful: unless your parents have frozen all of your accounts and cancelled your credit cards they cannot "forbid" you from paying for your own wedding. 

From your other posts, it sounds like this wedding is causing a lot of drama. Perhaps going to the courthouse, just the two of you, would be a better way of getting married.

We did consider that. I can't do that---always dreamed of a big, beautiful wedding. 

You won't do that. You're perfectly capable of it.

And that's ok, FI and I are having a big wedding, though we're paying for it ourselves. One thing we did was take 2 years of being engaged to save up for it (we're about halfway there now), cutting expenses and taking extra hours at work when we could. We also already live together, have a joint bank account, and have done a lot of other things that usually come with marriage early, so there were few barriers to waiting for us. 

But it sounds like you have three options: have a big wedding and pay for it in stress instead of cash; have a small wedding; or wait a few years to save up for the wedding you want.

crowsgirl15

Knottie1466018219 said:

crowsgirl15 said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

AddieCake said:

Nobody can forbid you to pay for your own wedding. How absurd, both for them to declare and for you to accept. 

ETA: I'm starting to think you're full of shit.

Seriously, OP. How old are you? 12? Have your parents grounded you or something? OHMYGOD ARE YOU ALLOWED TO BE ONLINE WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION? 

Let's play nice, posters. I'm sharing my experience and asking for help. This is what is happening. You can be helpful or snarky and mean. 

Actually, we can be helpful AND snarky at the same time. These are not mutually exclusive. 

So, me being helpful: unless your parents have frozen all of your accounts and cancelled your credit cards they cannot "forbid" you from paying for your own wedding. 

From your other posts, it sounds like this wedding is causing a lot of drama. Perhaps going to the courthouse, just the two of you, would be a better way of getting married.

We did consider that. I can't do that---always dreamed of a big, beautiful wedding. 

Then you should pay for it. That way, you won't have to deal with the stress of other peoples' desires for how their money is spent.

Trust me. We wish we could. We are so tight on money--that's why both families forbade us for paying for any of it!

Exactly. This is a choice. You are choosing to put up with your FMIL's demands and craziness in exchange for your "big, beautiful wedding". And that's fine, you can absolutely do that...but the way to get her to stop is to decline her money and pay for the modest wedding you can afford.

Knottie1466018219

JediElizabeth said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

AddieCake said:

Nobody can forbid you to pay for your own wedding. How absurd, both for them to declare and for you to accept. 

ETA: I'm starting to think you're full of shit.

Seriously, OP. How old are you? 12? Have your parents grounded you or something? OHMYGOD ARE YOU ALLOWED TO BE ONLINE WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION? 

Let's play nice, posters. I'm sharing my experience and asking for help. This is what is happening. You can be helpful or snarky and mean. 

Actually, we can be helpful AND snarky at the same time. These are not mutually exclusive. 

So, me being helpful: unless your parents have frozen all of your accounts and cancelled your credit cards they cannot "forbid" you from paying for your own wedding. 

From your other posts, it sounds like this wedding is causing a lot of drama. Perhaps going to the courthouse, just the two of you, would be a better way of getting married.

We did consider that. I can't do that---always dreamed of a big, beautiful wedding. 

You won't do that. You're perfectly capable of it.

And that's ok, FI and I are having a big wedding, though we're paying for it ourselves. One thing we did was take 2 years of being engaged to save up for it (we're about halfway there now), cutting expenses and taking extra hours at work when we could. We also already live together, have a joint bank account, and have done a lot of other things that usually come with marriage early, so there were few barriers to waiting for us. 

But it sounds like you have three options: have a big wedding and pay for it in stress instead of cash; have a small wedding; or wait a few years to save up for the wedding you want.

Question for you, and I'm asking out of complete curiosity: are you okay with saving up 2 years worth of money to go towards a wedding and not like a house or something???

Greenjinjo

Knottie1466018219 said:

JediElizabeth said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

AddieCake said:

Nobody can forbid you to pay for your own wedding. How absurd, both for them to declare and for you to accept. 

ETA: I'm starting to think you're full of shit.

Seriously, OP. How old are you? 12? Have your parents grounded you or something? OHMYGOD ARE YOU ALLOWED TO BE ONLINE WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION? 

Let's play nice, posters. I'm sharing my experience and asking for help. This is what is happening. You can be helpful or snarky and mean. 

Actually, we can be helpful AND snarky at the same time. These are not mutually exclusive. 

So, me being helpful: unless your parents have frozen all of your accounts and cancelled your credit cards they cannot "forbid" you from paying for your own wedding. 

From your other posts, it sounds like this wedding is causing a lot of drama. Perhaps going to the courthouse, just the two of you, would be a better way of getting married.

We did consider that. I can't do that---always dreamed of a big, beautiful wedding. 

You won't do that. You're perfectly capable of it.

And that's ok, FI and I are having a big wedding, though we're paying for it ourselves. One thing we did was take 2 years of being engaged to save up for it (we're about halfway there now), cutting expenses and taking extra hours at work when we could. We also already live together, have a joint bank account, and have done a lot of other things that usually come with marriage early, so there were few barriers to waiting for us. 

But it sounds like you have three options: have a big wedding and pay for it in stress instead of cash; have a small wedding; or wait a few years to save up for the wedding you want.

Question for you, and I'm asking out of complete curiosity: are you okay with saving up 2 years worth of money to go towards a wedding and not like a house or something???

SIAB 

OP - are you okay taking this money from your families and compromising the whole way through? IMHO I would rather save up for 2 years to pay for the wedding my SO and i want, rather than having family pay for it and letting them have the wedding they want. 

From what to are saying your families have quite a lot of influence in your lives. How is this going to go down in the future if you buy a house? Are they going to say you can't buy in a specific area or buy a specific house? 

crowsgirl15

Knottie1466018219 said:

JediElizabeth said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

AddieCake said:

Nobody can forbid you to pay for your own wedding. How absurd, both for them to declare and for you to accept. 

ETA: I'm starting to think you're full of shit.

Seriously, OP. How old are you? 12? Have your parents grounded you or something? OHMYGOD ARE YOU ALLOWED TO BE ONLINE WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION? 

Let's play nice, posters. I'm sharing my experience and asking for help. This is what is happening. You can be helpful or snarky and mean. 

Actually, we can be helpful AND snarky at the same time. These are not mutually exclusive. 

So, me being helpful: unless your parents have frozen all of your accounts and cancelled your credit cards they cannot "forbid" you from paying for your own wedding. 

From your other posts, it sounds like this wedding is causing a lot of drama. Perhaps going to the courthouse, just the two of you, would be a better way of getting married.

We did consider that. I can't do that---always dreamed of a big, beautiful wedding. 

You won't do that. You're perfectly capable of it.

And that's ok, FI and I are having a big wedding, though we're paying for it ourselves. One thing we did was take 2 years of being engaged to save up for it (we're about halfway there now), cutting expenses and taking extra hours at work when we could. We also already live together, have a joint bank account, and have done a lot of other things that usually come with marriage early, so there were few barriers to waiting for us. 

But it sounds like you have three options: have a big wedding and pay for it in stress instead of cash; have a small wedding; or wait a few years to save up for the wedding you want.

Question for you, and I'm asking out of complete curiosity: are you okay with saving up 2 years worth of money to go towards a wedding and not like a house or something???

Couldn't you ask the same thing of your FMIL? She's very generously offering to give you a substantial amount of money for a party, rather than save that money and use it for something substantial (like a house, car, retirement, etc.). If you were going to spend that much money on a party, wouldn't you want a substantial say in how it is spent?

JediElizabeth

Knottie1466018219 said:

JediElizabeth said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

AddieCake said:

Nobody can forbid you to pay for your own wedding. How absurd, both for them to declare and for you to accept. 

ETA: I'm starting to think you're full of shit.

Seriously, OP. How old are you? 12? Have your parents grounded you or something? OHMYGOD ARE YOU ALLOWED TO BE ONLINE WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION? 

Let's play nice, posters. I'm sharing my experience and asking for help. This is what is happening. You can be helpful or snarky and mean. 

Actually, we can be helpful AND snarky at the same time. These are not mutually exclusive. 

So, me being helpful: unless your parents have frozen all of your accounts and cancelled your credit cards they cannot "forbid" you from paying for your own wedding. 

From your other posts, it sounds like this wedding is causing a lot of drama. Perhaps going to the courthouse, just the two of you, would be a better way of getting married.

We did consider that. I can't do that---always dreamed of a big, beautiful wedding. 

You won't do that. You're perfectly capable of it.

And that's ok, FI and I are having a big wedding, though we're paying for it ourselves. One thing we did was take 2 years of being engaged to save up for it (we're about halfway there now), cutting expenses and taking extra hours at work when we could. We also already live together, have a joint bank account, and have done a lot of other things that usually come with marriage early, so there were few barriers to waiting for us. 

But it sounds like you have three options: have a big wedding and pay for it in stress instead of cash; have a small wedding; or wait a few years to save up for the wedding you want.

Question for you, and I'm asking out of complete curiosity: are you okay with saving up 2 years worth of money to go towards a wedding and not like a house or something???

Honestly, I wish I could do both. But there's no way in hell I'm taking money from our parents' possible retirement funds to pay for a big party. Either I could save for a wedding or a house, and I decided I want a wedding. Like adults, my FI and I alone shoulder the burden of that choice - which is waiting longer to buy a place. 

Knottie1466018219

JediElizabeth said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

JediElizabeth said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

AddieCake said:

Nobody can forbid you to pay for your own wedding. How absurd, both for them to declare and for you to accept. 

ETA: I'm starting to think you're full of shit.

Seriously, OP. How old are you? 12? Have your parents grounded you or something? OHMYGOD ARE YOU ALLOWED TO BE ONLINE WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION? 

Let's play nice, posters. I'm sharing my experience and asking for help. This is what is happening. You can be helpful or snarky and mean. 

Actually, we can be helpful AND snarky at the same time. These are not mutually exclusive. 

So, me being helpful: unless your parents have frozen all of your accounts and cancelled your credit cards they cannot "forbid" you from paying for your own wedding. 

From your other posts, it sounds like this wedding is causing a lot of drama. Perhaps going to the courthouse, just the two of you, would be a better way of getting married.

We did consider that. I can't do that---always dreamed of a big, beautiful wedding. 

You won't do that. You're perfectly capable of it.

And that's ok, FI and I are having a big wedding, though we're paying for it ourselves. One thing we did was take 2 years of being engaged to save up for it (we're about halfway there now), cutting expenses and taking extra hours at work when we could. We also already live together, have a joint bank account, and have done a lot of other things that usually come with marriage early, so there were few barriers to waiting for us. 

But it sounds like you have three options: have a big wedding and pay for it in stress instead of cash; have a small wedding; or wait a few years to save up for the wedding you want.

Question for you, and I'm asking out of complete curiosity: are you okay with saving up 2 years worth of money to go towards a wedding and not like a house or something???

Honestly, I wish I could do both. But there's no way in hell I'm taking money from our parents' possible retirement funds to pay for a big party. Either I could save for a wedding or a house, and I decided I want a wedding. Like adults, my FI and I alone shoulder the burden of that choice - which is waiting longer to buy a place. 

Sounds like you 2 are good at teaming up around making decisions

JediElizabeth

Knottie1466018219 said:

JediElizabeth said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

JediElizabeth said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

AddieCake said:

Nobody can forbid you to pay for your own wedding. How absurd, both for them to declare and for you to accept. 

ETA: I'm starting to think you're full of shit.

Seriously, OP. How old are you? 12? Have your parents grounded you or something? OHMYGOD ARE YOU ALLOWED TO BE ONLINE WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION? 

Let's play nice, posters. I'm sharing my experience and asking for help. This is what is happening. You can be helpful or snarky and mean. 

Actually, we can be helpful AND snarky at the same time. These are not mutually exclusive. 

So, me being helpful: unless your parents have frozen all of your accounts and cancelled your credit cards they cannot "forbid" you from paying for your own wedding. 

From your other posts, it sounds like this wedding is causing a lot of drama. Perhaps going to the courthouse, just the two of you, would be a better way of getting married.

We did consider that. I can't do that---always dreamed of a big, beautiful wedding. 

You won't do that. You're perfectly capable of it.

And that's ok, FI and I are having a big wedding, though we're paying for it ourselves. One thing we did was take 2 years of being engaged to save up for it (we're about halfway there now), cutting expenses and taking extra hours at work when we could. We also already live together, have a joint bank account, and have done a lot of other things that usually come with marriage early, so there were few barriers to waiting for us. 

But it sounds like you have three options: have a big wedding and pay for it in stress instead of cash; have a small wedding; or wait a few years to save up for the wedding you want.

Question for you, and I'm asking out of complete curiosity: are you okay with saving up 2 years worth of money to go towards a wedding and not like a house or something???

Honestly, I wish I could do both. But there's no way in hell I'm taking money from our parents' possible retirement funds to pay for a big party. Either I could save for a wedding or a house, and I decided I want a wedding. Like adults, my FI and I alone shoulder the burden of that choice - which is waiting longer to buy a place. 

Sounds like you 2 are good at teaming up around making decisions

It is a thing we've become good at.

It's refreshing that you're so open to feedback. Change your name so we can recognize you and stick around a while!

jacques27

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

redoryx said:

AddieCake said:

Nobody can forbid you to pay for your own wedding. How absurd, both for them to declare and for you to accept. 

ETA: I'm starting to think you're full of shit.

Seriously, OP. How old are you? 12? Have your parents grounded you or something? OHMYGOD ARE YOU ALLOWED TO BE ONLINE WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION? 

Let's play nice, posters. I'm sharing my experience and asking for help. This is what is happening. You can be helpful or snarky and mean. 

Actually, we can be helpful AND snarky at the same time. These are not mutually exclusive. 

So, me being helpful: unless your parents have frozen all of your accounts and cancelled your credit cards they cannot "forbid" you from paying for your own wedding. 

From your other posts, it sounds like this wedding is causing a lot of drama. Perhaps going to the courthouse, just the two of you, would be a better way of getting married.

We did consider that. I can't do that---always dreamed of a big, beautiful wedding. 

So, it seems like it's a pretty fair assumption that this "dream" involved the money just materializing out of thin air to magically pay for your imagined "big, beautiful wedding"?  That money has to come from somewhere - someone has to sacrifice to make that happen - money isn't going into someone's retirement fund or towards their mortgage or in a healthcare savings, etc. to make that happen.  It's time to be an adult and realize that dreams aren't always compatible with the reality of your adult life.  Most people who have dreams make efforts to realize them - I dream of traveling throughout Europe, so I pickup more hours at work and put money in savings.  And most people who have dreams also have tight budgets and make some compromises.  It's the life of an adult.  We all have rent and bills and responsibilities.

Was it also your dream to be spending your time writing four threads to internet strangers about how allegedly horrible your future mother in law is?  Or how much stress this is causing you?  Where did that fit in the dream?   You have four options:

1.  Plan the wedding you can afford.  No one is owed a "big, beautiful wedding".  When  you make the money, you get to control the money and control the decisions.

2.  Wait to get married until you can afford the wedding you want.  Again, you aren't owed anything and it's not going to just be magically bestowed upon you.  So, you have to decide if it's more important to have the "big beautiful wedding" or it's more important to be married sooner.  Your finances don't appear to allow for both of those things to be true, so it's time to readjust your expectations and "dream". 

3.  Accept money from your families to make "big, beautiful wedding" and "married sooner" happen, but realize that money has strings.  When you make the money, you get to decide what happens with it.  When you don't make the money, then your "dream" becomes the dreams of the people who worked long and hard to make that money materialize for you.  Sometimes people give you money free and clear as a gift to use as you decide.  Sometimes people put conditions on that money and then it's up to you to decide if those conditions are worth it.  If they aren't, then you're back to 1 or 2.  It's clear that this money has conditions.

4.  Find someone else to marry who has family willing to give you money free and clear with no conditions and who won't cause you stress.

Really, those are your options.  You can have you FI set limits with his mother to say "if we're going to make this happen, we need a firm budget that isn't going to change".  You can have your FI explain to his mother that it is your preference to not have children or extend plus ones to your truly single guests.  Though at the end of the day if she makes those things a condition of her money being used for the wedding then you still have to decide if it is worth it to accept that money.  Remember, she will be your family, too, for much longer than just the one day of your wedding and she's willing to sacrifice with her hard-earned money to make sure you have a big dinner party to accompany your wedding ceremony.  So I would tread carefully if I were you and make sure you are making decisions that are compatible with having a relationship with her and the rest of your FI's family after this wedding is over.

SP29

DH and I were engaged for 2 years. While our families helped out with some planning and contributed some money to this and that, DH and I paid for the majority of the wedding. We had a wedding with evening reception, open bar, 100 guests. We still came in way under what the average cost of a wedding is.

After 2 years of marriage, DH and I still do not own a house. The plan is for next spring. We are saving up.

This is what being an adult is- you make decisions and choices, and you prioritize. I don't think most of us here walked into marriage with a "free" wedding and house down payment ready to go when we signed the marriage license.

As for the rest- what @jacques27 said. You either make the choice to plan the wedding yourselves, or you deal with your families' demands.

As for the rehearsal- do not count on money until it is in your hand. FI needs to tell his mom, "If you want us to plan the event, we need to have a set budget with funds available by X date". I mean really, any venue I've ever looked at for anything wants some sort of deposit when you sign a contract, so if you and FI are planning this, you need SOME money upfront if she's paying.

Another thing you could do, is pick 3 venues with menus, then present them to her and ask which she'd like to go with. Or, present them and tell her that you (and FI) would be happy with any of these 3, and then let her book it.

Whoever signs the contract is on the hook for the money. If FMIL signs the contract then you don't have to worry about her changing her mind 10 times, as she is the one on the hook at the end of the day. However, if you or FI signs the contract then the two of you need to be prepared to cover the cost at the end of the day if she doesn't come through- thus you really should not be planning something you can't afford.