Maid of Honor Bipolarity

tentothefifthpower

My best friend of 11 years is my maid of honor and I really hope I'm not being a bridezilla right now.

My fiance and I have had a long engagement and our wedding is in about 6 months.  I know not everyone shares the same level of excitement as us about our wedding, especially so far in advance.  Whenever I talked to my friend about the wedding, she'd seem disinterested or change the subject, so I stopped talking about it, and just focused on our friendship.  She then told me she felt left out of my wedding planning since I never talk to her about it, so I would bring up ideas to run by her to show her that I value her opinion.  Again, she acted disinterested so I straight up asked her if I was boring her, to which she said yes.  I spent time with her doing and talking about normal things, so it wasn't like I was neglecting her due to wedding fever.  I figured I should only talk about the wedding whenever she brought it up, which seemed to work for awhile.  When I asked her to come with my mom and I dress shopping, it was a fun and happy moment.  When I asked if she wanted to come to the tasting with the caterer, she seemed excited about it , but when the day came, she spent every minute that wasn't actively eating and trying food on her phone, texting her boyfriend.  

We've been seeing less of each other, but I still give her a call every few days.  She seems to be doing great and is happy with life.  As long as wedding stuff isn't mentioned, our calls go well, then out of the blue, she'll say she feels left out.

I'm not really sure what I should do.  I miss my friend; asking her about her feelings either get me an "everything is fine" or "can we talk about something else?"  I love her like a sister but I'm confused with her being disinterested, then being upset that I'm not sharing things with her.  Do I pester her until I get a real answer?  Do I let it go?

Viczaesar

How is this "bipolarity"? 

Viczaesar

tentothefifthpower said:

My best friend of 11 years is my maid of honor and I really hope I'm not being a bridezilla right now.

My fiance and I have had a long engagement and our wedding is in about 6 months.  I know not everyone shares the same level of excitement as us about our wedding, especially so far in advance.  Whenever I talked to my friend about the wedding, she'd seem disinterested or change the subject, so I stopped talking about it, and just focused on our friendship.  She then told me she felt left out of my wedding planning since I never talk to her about it, so I would bring up ideas to run by her to show her that I value her opinion.  Again, she acted disinterested so I straight up asked her if I was boring her, to which she said yes.  I spent time with her doing and talking about normal things, so it wasn't like I was neglecting her due to wedding fever.  I figured I should only talk about the wedding whenever she brought it up, which seemed to work for awhile.  When I asked her to come with my mom and I dress shopping, it was a fun and happy moment.  When I asked if she wanted to come to the tasting with the caterer, she seemed excited about it , but when the day came, she spent every minute that wasn't actively eating and trying food on her phone, texting her boyfriend.  

We've been seeing less of each other, but I still give her a call every few days.  She seems to be doing great and is happy with life.  As long as wedding stuff isn't mentioned, our calls go well, then out of the blue, she'll say she feels left out.

I'm not really sure what I should do.  I miss my friend; asking her about her feelings either get me an "everything is fine" or "can we talk about something else?"  I love her like a sister but I'm confused with her being disinterested, then being upset that I'm not sharing things with her.  Do I pester her until I get a real answer?  Do I let it go?

artbyallie

tentothefifthpower said:

My best friend of 11 years is my maid of honor and I really hope I'm not being a bridezilla right now.

My fiance and I have had a long engagement and our wedding is in about 6 months.  I know not everyone shares the same level of excitement as us about our wedding, especially so far in advance.  Whenever I talked to my friend about the wedding, she'd seem disinterested or change the subject, so I stopped talking about it, and just focused on our friendship.  She then told me she felt left out of my wedding planning since I never talk to her about it, so I would bring up ideas to run by her to show her that I value her opinion.  Again, she acted disinterested so I straight up asked her if I was boring her, to which she said yes.  I spent time with her doing and talking about normal things, so it wasn't like I was neglecting her due to wedding fever.  I figured I should only talk about the wedding whenever she brought it up, which seemed to work for awhile.  When I asked her to come with my mom and I dress shopping, it was a fun and happy moment.  When I asked if she wanted to come to the tasting with the caterer, she seemed excited about it , but when the day came, she spent every minute that wasn't actively eating and trying food on her phone, texting her boyfriend.  

We've been seeing less of each other, but I still give her a call every few days.  She seems to be doing great and is happy with life.  As long as wedding stuff isn't mentioned, our calls go well, then out of the blue, she'll say she feels left out.

I'm not really sure what I should do.  I miss my friend; asking her about her feelings either get me an "everything is fine" or "can we talk about something else?"  I love her like a sister but I'm confused with her being disinterested, then being upset that I'm not sharing things with her.  Do I pester her until I get a real answer?  Do I let it go?

Gotta agree with Vic here. Bipolar disorder is a very real and serious thing and this does not sound remotely like she has it. It just sounds like she's a bit lacking in social skills.

emmyg65

Let it go. If she mentions again that she feels left out, say, "Every time I try to involve you, you seem disinterested, so I'm not sure what to do. How would you like to be involved?"

Also, this has nothing to do with bipolar disorder. Like at all.

marriedlady1212

Just be honest with her when she brings up how she feels left out. Tell her she doesn't seem interested and seems bored by it all, and you don't want to bore her. I would also continue to try to include her in the decision making processes so she does feel included. Just don't take it personally when she seems uninterested. It's not you, some people just don't get excited about other people's weddings.

newenglandgal0802

I feel like I just read my auto biography reading your post. I have almost the same situation with one of my bridesmaids. We've been best friends for 6 years and she is acting pretty much the same way. It is frustrating because one minute she seems like it's annoying her to talk about it or plan things and then the next she wants to know how she can help/what developments have been made. I would try and keep the focus on your friendship like you mentioned you have been. Make sure you don't just talk wedding with her and the next time she says she feels left out I would say you understand no one will be as excited as you are about your own wedding and you asked her to be your MOH because she's your best friend and not your "maid" and that if she wants to help you would be excited/grateful to have her help with stuff but you don't want her to feel like you are using her as a wedding slave. In the case of my bridesmaid I suspect it has a lot to do with her own life/problems and not with me which is why I suggest just focusing on being her best friend first and wedding business second.  

aurianna

I'm pretty sure OP was using hyperbole in her post title, as she has a MOH that seems to be bouncing back and forth between two very different positions. I don't think she meant anything offensive here.

It sounds like you're trying your best with her. I think if it comes up again that she feels left out you can just tell her that you really want her to be involved as she wants to and you'd never dream of leaving her out but you just want to make sure you aren't boring her. Be honest without being critical and I'm sure it will work out.

Another approach is keep all verbal communication not about the wedding (unless she brings it up), but if you all email or text at all at the end of it you can say "PS we're thinking about this venue" or "I saw these flowers and think they are gorgeous!"
It's clear you're still keeping her in the loop, but you aren't "forcing" her to talk about things she might not be interested in. Your sharing things and therefore leaving yourself open to her opinion but if she doesn't really care, she probably doesn't have to respond.

Lots of time the advice here sways against emailing people wedding stuff, but in this case, assuming you just send her updates once in a while, it would probably work out. But talking to her next time it comes up is probably better. Just don't be accusatory and hopefully it will work out fine. Cassandra gave some good talking points.

aurianna

double posts are fun

bunni727

aurianna said:

I'm pretty sure OP was using hyperbole in her post title, as she has a MOH that seems to be bouncing back and forth between two very different positions. I don't think she meant anything offensive here.

It sounds like you're trying your best with her. I think if it comes up again that she feels left out you can just tell her that you really want her to be involved as she wants to and you'd never dream of leaving her out but you just want to make sure you aren't boring her. Be honest without being critical and I'm sure it will work out.

Another approach is keep all verbal communication not about the wedding (unless she brings it up), but if you all email or text at all at the end of it you can say "PS we're thinking about this venue" or "I saw these flowers and think they are gorgeous!"
It's clear you're still keeping her in the loop, but you aren't "forcing" her to talk about things she might not be interested in. Your sharing things and therefore leaving yourself open to her opinion but if she doesn't really care, she probably doesn't have to respond.

Lots of time the advice here sways against emailing people wedding stuff, but in this case, assuming you just send her updates once in a while, it would probably work out. But talking to her next time it comes up is probably better. Just don't be accusatory and hopefully it will work out fine. Cassandra gave some good talking points.

I don't think she meant anything offensive either, but mental illness in general (and I think bipolar and OCD are two of the most abused, especially on these boards) is treated very flippantly in society, and it's important to point that out whenever it happens. Otherwise, ignorance is fostered and nothing changes.

OP, I don't really have any bright ideas for you. Maybe if you could mention things in a way that relates to her? Something like "I'm gonna be meeting with the DJ next week, any favorite dance songs you'd recommend?" so she doesn't feel bombarded with wedding stuff, but her input is desired.

MairePoppy

aurianna said:

I'm pretty sure OP was using hyperbole in her post title, as she has a MOH that seems to be bouncing back and forth between two very different positions. I don't think she meant anything offensive here.

I believe the others were just trying to point out that this type of hyperbole might be offensive to those dealing with mental disorders. Wouldn't you want to know if you were inadvertently offending people?

NYCMercedes

@mariepoppy, you put that so well. Thank you.