Engaged!

CLoGreenEyes

OK, just read your responses. Glad you will be thinking it over and discussing with your BF! It's exciting to commit to somebody and have this agreement between you - we don't want it to be marred by easily solvable issues like being honest with your family!

bethsmiles

Amapola14 said:

Kait said:

@TwoDimes, a lot of it actually is a bit of his traditionalness and my parents'. My friends do know. My parents are extremely traditional and don't understand that there's a less mainstream way to become engaged than having a diamond ring. He's a bit worried that if we let it out too soon people will try and tell us we're too young or something. And I know, we shouldn't be worried about it and even in the spring, people will probably think or say the same thing. 

I see being engaged as knowing you have a commitment and promise to be married. So yes I would say I am engaged.

First, I just want to say that I am so happy you've found someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, and that you're planning a future together. It's always so much fun to have that conversation and know that you're on the same page as the one you love!

So, like PPs, I am confused by a few things about the engagement.

1) Not telling your parents but telling your friends. At worst, this just seems like a recipe for disaster to me at; at best, it means that there's this inequality between these two groups of people who are, presumably, very important to you and your BF (FI?). Not that you should just not care what they think, but you guys are obviously comfortable becoming engaged in a non-traditional way. Why not own that, be proud of it, and just accept their reaction as they get used to it?

2) I would personally feel a little silly after getting this first proposal and then waiting for a second proposal before it's "official" or "100%" or something. What does the next proposal mean that this one doesn't?

3) When he officially asks your parents for their blessing, will he tell them that you are already engaged and merely formalizing it? Or will that not be an important detail at that time?

I'm just trying to understand what has happened here that makes it an engagement. Like, if you guys are ready to plan a wedding and actively prepare for marriage, that makes sense then. But it just sounds like that all-important, "Yes, we are gonna do this!" conversation - which is totally a big deal and is really awesome! But my BF and I have had this conversation and we are very much NOT engaged, so I'm just trying to understand the difference here.

This 100%. If a second proposal is necessary then is the first one really a proposal?

loves2shop4shoes

@Kait, FWIW, I got engaged at 22.  Married at 24. 

I definitely got the side eye from some people because I was so young.  Some of my family members were less than enthusiastic about it.  My Aunt Rose said, "Are you sure you don't want to think about it for a while longer?"  I got a lot of "Aren't you kind of...YOUNG." 

Well, those types of comments/responses sort of come with the territory.  22 IS young to get engaged.  You grow and change a lot, even from 22-25.  I can attest to that.  That doesn't mean your relationship/marriage won't or can't last.  It means the odds are stacked against you. 

All you can do is acknowledge that you are young and be unapologetic about it.  Having to explain why you are SO mature will only make you look more childlike.  Having to explain to your friends and family that you hid your engagement for 6 months so they'd perceive you to be older for the engagement, won't do you any favors either (in terms of looking like a mature adult ready to get married.)

And from one young bride to another, my advice is:

1)  Make sure that you are getting married for the right reasons (ie. because you truly want to spend the REST of your lives together...and not just because engagement feels like the next step of a relationship.)

2)  Safeguard your relationship with premarital counseling, and lots of it.  Make sure you are on the same page when it comes to children, managing finances, in-laws (and how much time you spend with them, and when), sex, religion, and how to face enormous obstacles/tragedies.

3)  Acknowledge that you are young, but do not apologize about it and do not ask people's permission to enjoy this stage of your life.  Maturity is something that is sensed...it does not have to be explained.

Blackbird230

Thanks so much, Shoes. Actually, I kind of want to save that post somewhere. I definitely want to own it. I wanna be able to scream it off the roof tops! Because I'm happy about it and I know it's what him and I both want. For sure having a conversation with him and seeing where it goes.

lennonkdc

loves2shop4shoes said:

@Kait, FWIW, I got engaged at 22.  Married at 24. 

I definitely got the side eye from some people because I was so young.  Some of my family members were less than enthusiastic about it.  My Aunt Rose said, "Are you sure you don't want to think about it for a while longer?"  I got a lot of "Aren't you kind of...YOUNG." 

Well, those types of comments/responses sort of come with the territory.  22 IS young to get engaged.  You grow and change a lot, even from 22-25.  I can attest to that.  That doesn't mean your relationship/marriage won't or can't last.  It means the odds are stacked against you. 

All you can do is acknowledge that you are young and be unapologetic about it.  Having to explain why you are SO mature will only make you look more childlike.  Having to explain to your friends and family that you hid your engagement for 6 months so they'd perceive you to be older for the engagement, won't do you any favors either (in terms of looking like a mature adult ready to get married.)

And from one young bride to another, my advice is:

1)  Make sure that you are getting married for the right reasons (ie. because you truly want to spend the REST of your lives together...and not just because engagement feels like the next step of a relationship.)

2)  Safeguard your relationship with premarital counseling, and lots of it.  Make sure you are on the same page when it comes to children, managing finances, in-laws (and how much time you spend with them, and when), sex, religion, and how to face enormous obstacles/tragedies.

3)  Acknowledge that you are young, but do not apologize about it and do not ask people's permission to enjoy this stage of your life.  Maturity is something that is sensed...it does not have to be explained.

Swazzle

Thank you for taking our responses so gracefully. I was afraid you were going to flip your shit and tell us how mean we all are and stomp off. 

My main question would, be when he "officially" asks in the spring, and you tell your parents you'reengaged and they ask how it happened, what will your response be? "Well, one day 6 months ago...." My mom would be heartbroken. 

Also, ditto what Bri said. My H and I started dating when we were about to turn 22 and within 6 months we knew we wanted to marry each other. We talked about it and knew we were on the same page about our future together but that didn't mean we were engaged.

Blackbird230

@Swazzle, oh I've seen what has happened to some girls on here! I actually really do appreciate the different perspectives because I haven't thought about it in different ways. Also great to talk to some of the other young brides. I need to talk to him and see if it's just a "I really want to give you a ring and the big proposal to remember it by so I don't want it out yet" or what's going on. Because the commitment is there and I know I've seen you guys mention it enough that only you and your SO can decide if you're engaged or not. 

500days

Congratulations to you and your SO. I do have a question though. Who came up with the idea to have another proposal in the spring? 

But what I really want to say is: Please tell your parents! They will probably sense that something is up, and I just think you will save yourself a lot of explaining and stress if you just let them know. I would at least tell them that you guys are thinking about engagement. Keep them in the know. 

phira

So, I had a really non-traditional engagement.

My partner and I independently expected that we'd date for a year, live together for a year, and then be engaged for a year. After our anniversary last year, we actually talked about it together, and made the decision to get engaged after we'd live together a year. It put us in a weird position where we were NOT engaged, but we knew we'd be getting married.

We wanted to exchange rings (okay, he wanted to exchange rings, I wanted to spend the money on another part of the wedding), and we couldn't agree on a ring for me, so we had it custom made. We ordered our rings around June, and planned to have our official engagement at the very end of the summer.

On our 1-year anniversary of living together, we got home from work, got all dressed up, kissed a bunch and put on our rings, and went to a fancy dinner together. A few nights later, we got together with our families and surprised them with the news.

Some people knew what we were planning. A lot of my friends knew that we were likely going to be engaged by the fall (many people asked; we mostly answered, "We've talked about it. Maybe in the fall?" and left it at that). A couple of them knew that we had gotten rings. And one of them knew that we had picked the night and made dinner reservations. Meanwhile, the only family member who knew anything was going on was my mom, because of some odd circumstances we found ourselves in.

So I guess, you need to decide if you're engaged or not. If you're engaged, then congratulations! You do not need a "formal proposal." You don't need a ring, but if you get one, you don't need to have any distinction between "how much" you're engaged before you have the ring.

I am all for non-traditional engagement narratives, but I think that if you're engaged (which, of course, YAY!), there's no reason to be waiting on a set of circumstances before OTHER people will be okay with your engagement. If that makes any sense.

bethsmiles

@loves2shop4shoes - Your sig pic is gorgeous!

loves2shop4shoes

bethsmiles said:

@loves2shop4shoes - Your sig pic is gorgeous!

Thank you, @bethsmiles.  It was one of my favorites from our E-Pics.

Blackbird230

Update: Spoke with BF (now FI!) we are going to tell the parents and everything else and once he can afford it and all, get a ring. But the ring ultimately isn't a huge deal. EEK!

CLoGreenEyes

Yay! Congratulations and PROUD OF YOU!

500days

Awesome news! 

bride2b71614

Congrats!

lennonkdc

Congratulations on your engagement!!!

Blackbird230

Thanks ladies! Thanks for helping me through and all the advice.

loves2shop4shoes

Congratulations, @Kait!  I'm so proud of you!

KeptInStitches

Congratulations! 

phira

Yay! 

bethsmiles

Yay! I'm glad you decided to be honest with your friends/family! Congrats on your engagement!

Shiroyasha

I'm glad you cleared it up with your SO.  Congrats!!!

Swazzle

That's great! Congrats!

Blackbird230

@TwoDimes, they're actually chill with it. They kind of saw it coming since him and I have had the history and they already knew we have plans to move in in the spring.