When people want to change their plus one.....

kgd7357

I sure hope Jack lets me know, b/c it's going to be really awkward when Sandra gets Molly's place card. (This is sort of a joke, but actually might happen. Awkward.)

One more question. Is the cut off for asking to add a new SO when the reply cards are due? I.e., Jack replies for one. Starts dating Sandra, but the reply cards were due a week ago. Then he calls to see if he can add her. Can I just say we already gave the head count to the venue?

Sorry if these sounds dumb, but I'm just trying to get the etiquette correct.

MuppetOverlord

Jen4948 said:

Out of curiosity, does your perspective change on this when you get past RSVP date?

Would you prefer an empty plate if Jack dumps Molly 2 weeks before the wedding, but after your final count is in to the vendor? Or would you prefer brother James to eat it?

It's not always a matter of "who eats the extra plate." It could just be that the couple don't appreciate Jack inviting someone else on their dime who he doesn't have a relationship with.  It's their guest list-not Jack's.  He is not entitled to expect them to host a guest he's inviting, they aren't, who is not his SO.

In the OP, the guest contacted the bride to ask the question. So let's assume she was contacted before the wedding too in this scenario.

MuppetOverlord

kgd7357 said:

I sure hope Jack lets me know, b/c it's going to be really awkward when Sandra gets Molly's place card. (This is sort of a joke, but actually might happen. Awkward.)

One more question. Is the cut off for asking to add a new SO when the reply cards are due? I.e., Jack replies for one. Starts dating Sandra, but the reply cards were due a week ago. Then he calls to see if he can add her. Can I just say we already gave the head count to the venue?

Sorry if these sounds dumb, but I'm just trying to get the etiquette correct.

You sure can.

ETA:
"Sorry, we are unable to accommodate any modifications to the guest list or count this close to the wedding"

kitty8403

MuppetOverlord said:

kgd7357 said:

We are doing the same thing you are. SOs are all invited, but no random plus ones for anyone but the bridal party. Even though I could probably swing it in the budget, I just don't want a lot of random people at the wedding. We will be specific on the invite address (not adding the seat thing). If people write in a different name or ask I plan to say "We are just keeping the wedding to our friends and their SOs". That's it.

Although on a related note, I haven't decided what to do if people start dating someone after they get the invite (6-8 weeks before the wedding). I would love to meet people's new SOs, but I really don't feel like having flavor of the week. I can totally see this happening with a couple of guys. Did anyone run into this? Also, did anyone have someone just show up with a different guest even though they RSVP'd with their SO? It seems like their isn't much you can do about that.

I've been the new girlfriend close to a wedding before and I wouldn't have appreciated having been called the "flavor of the week". We were together over a year.

When the invitation goes out, you should be inviting the people your guests are dating at that moment.


I wouldn't appreciate this attitude either. We've all been to parties where a new SO shows up and we wonder, how long is THAT going to last? But a wedding isn't really the time to pass judgement on the quality or merit of other people's love interests. She could prove to be "flavor of the week," but she could also be in your lives for years.

Jen4948

MuppetOverlord said:

Jen4948 said:

Out of curiosity, does your perspective change on this when you get past RSVP date?

Would you prefer an empty plate if Jack dumps Molly 2 weeks before the wedding, but after your final count is in to the vendor? Or would you prefer brother James to eat it?

It's not always a matter of "who eats the extra plate." It could just be that the couple don't appreciate Jack inviting someone else on their dime who he doesn't have a relationship with.  It's their guest list-not Jack's.  He is not entitled to expect them to host a guest he's inviting, they aren't, who is not his SO.

In the OP, the guest contacted the bride to ask the question. So let's assume she was contacted before the wedding too in this scenario.

I think the guest should not contact the bride to ask.  He needs to accept that his SO's invitation is not transferable to anyone else.  He is entitled to be invited with his social unit partner-not a guest of his choice.

Jen4948

kgd7357 said:

I sure hope Jack lets me know, b/c it's going to be really awkward when Sandra gets Molly's place card. (This is sort of a joke, but actually might happen. Awkward.)

One more question. Is the cut off for asking to add a new SO when the reply cards are due? I.e., Jack replies for one. Starts dating Sandra, but the reply cards were due a week ago. Then he calls to see if he can add her. Can I just say we already gave the head count to the venue?

Sorry if these sounds dumb, but I'm just trying to get the etiquette correct.

Yes.

kgd7357

@Jen4948. I agree with this. If someone breaks up with their SO, I would prefer they just let me know. Not that I can do much about that if they don't. The reason for inviting a SO is that if you choose to hang out with the friend/family you invited, the SO is part of the package. Brother James or buddy Bob are not. If I did get the heads up, I would rather just pay the cancellation fee (much less than the cost of a random person coming).

kgd7357

@kitty8403 I didn't mean to offend by that statement. I was more trying to determine when the cutoff is for adding on a new SO with respect to invites. Which seems to be the date reply cards are due vice when the invite goes out.

And @MuppetOverloard. Dating over a year is hardly "new girlfriend" or "flavor of the week". I would be pissed if someone refered to me as such.

I agree with y'all though. The first year my FI were together we were invited to 4 weddings where the other one wasn't on the invite. We called and asked about adding each other for all of them and got shot down for one. 5 months of dating didn't make the cut. I was a little offended, and neither of us ended up going. Now we are getting married. That couple isn't invited and the other three are, so I guess it stuck with us.

I was litterally talking about the situation where there is SO swap within the weeks before the wedding. I am sorry if the wording was poor.

APDSS22

jleon12lsu said:

Well the SO we are talking about is actually one of my best friends as well.  I'm friends with the couple.  They both live in a different state (recently moved there for school) and one cannot attend because he has a final exam that his professors will not let him miss.  The guest wants to bring a friend instead (one that is already in the city that the wedding will be held.).  

I'm not necessary opposed to letting him have a plus one since I already budgeted 2 seats for him but my main concern is if I let him have one, what about all the other single people that came with no plus one.......

I think in your situation, the simplest solution is to call up the invited friend and tell him that the invite is non-transferable.  Feel free to even tell him why since he seems polite and reasonable.  Since he'll know a large number of the invited and attending guest list, you might also tell him some of the other people who will be attending so he doesn't feel like he'll be alone without his SO.  Sure, you've already budgeted for two, but I'm assuming that even though you used the "two seats reserved in your honor" wording you addressed the envelope to both the invited guests.  I don't think it's unreasonable to tell him that he can't invite another friend in place of his SO to keep your other guests from possibly being irritated that they didn't get to invite random other friends/relatives/neighbors along to your wedding.  Since a lot of your guest list knows each other, they would probably figure this out and if you think they'd get upset, it's best to prevent that.

MuppetOverlord

kgd7357 said:

@kitty8403 I didn't mean to offend by that statement. I was more trying to determine when the cutoff is for adding on a new SO with respect to invites. Which seems to be the date reply cards are due vice when the invite goes out.

And @MuppetOverloard. Dating over a year is hardly "new girlfriend" or "flavor of the week". I would be pissed if someone refered to me as such.

I agree with y'all though. The first year my FI were together we were invited to 4 weddings where the other one wasn't on the invite. We called and asked about adding each other for all of them and got shot down for one. 5 months of dating didn't make the cut. I was a little offended, and neither of us ended up going. Now we are getting married. That couple isn't invited and the other three are, so I guess it stuck with us.

I was litterally talking about the situation where there is SO swap within the weeks before the wedding. I am sorry if the wording was poor.

At the time of the wedding invite, I was a new girlfriend.  The relationship lasted over a year.

If you want to tell your guest its ok for him to swap guests within a few weeks before the wedding, that's up to you. If you prefer to have paid for an empty plate, that's acceptable.

ashleyep

ETA: Nvm.