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Etiquette

How to bring up budget with Bride

I have been lurking for a bit and I've read that the bride is supposed to ask bridesmaids their budget before you go dress shopping.

We planned to go dress shopping a day that not everyone could go so as it got closer I was texting with the bride and told her I'd like to keep my dress budget at $100 or less (very doable for a short dress at Davids Bridal). Since she had never asked me for my budget I suggested she might want to check with the girls that cant make it to see what their budgets were. She was very offended and took it as me saying I assume she doesnt care about her friends/families budgets. I was only saying it because she never asked me for my budget and was trying to save her from someone not being able to afford the dress.

So that week we go shopping and she picks a dress that is $120. Not too much over so I am ok with it.

Now she is sending me pictures of matching sandals she wants us to buy that are $40-$50. I told her they looked nice and sent her some other options (less expensive) from payless, kohls, target. I asked her to let me know and I can keep looking for more options or if she needs help with anything else let me know...

I have never spent more than $20 for sandals and have found a lot of dressy options for under $20 with a quick online search. She has not asked my budget for shoes and I dont know what to say without her getting offended again... Any advice?

*(We have talked about how i'm low on money because I was out of work for 8 months and I am paying $1,200 to attend her DW)

«1

Re: How to bring up budget with Bride

  • GypsyWife_GypsyWife_ member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    edited October 2013

    if my budget was that tight i would have declined to be a bm because i couldnt afford it.

    eta: sounds like you bit off more than you canchew and you have to swallow it now. chuck it up to expierence.

  • lea717171lea717171 member
    First Comment
    edited October 2013

    Yea seems like it. Should I not bring up budget at all this time and just save up to buy what she picks? 

  • I have already saved enough for the trip and dress. Now just waiting to find out what shoes to get. I know I will be able to save enough for the shoes, it's just more than I would usually be comfortable with and I was wondering if I should bring this up but from your advice I think I will just keep quiet and go with what she picks. Thanks!
  • Agreed. You gracefully gave her your dress budget, which she did stay extremely close to, and tried showing her different shoes that I guess she didn't like. Frankly, I don't agree with the matching shoe thing, but it's what she wants. If you feel like she'll keep adding things you need to buy, back out now for the reason given by @scribe95, but if you feel okay with the 50$ shoes and 120$ dress plus alterations, stay in the role. You know the bride best! Good luck!
    image
  • Thanks for the advice ladies! I am learning a lot from these boards :)
  • ... do you think the is the end of the costs? Do you think she is also going to tell you pay for your hair and make up? Tell you what sort of bacholorette / bridal shower she wants?  If I honestly thought that this was the last thing, I'd probably suck it up, but otherwise I'd stand my ground.
    KeptInStitchesdoeydolizybeffCLoGreenEyes
  • We made an agreement in the beginning that I could only afford to go to the DW and no other events, I am no longer local and can't afford to fly in for other events. I told her I don't mind being a guest but she said she still wanted me as a bridesmaid. I haven't been in a wedding since I was in high school and for those 2 I only needed to buy the dress and be at the wedding. haha  
    melbelleup
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    lea717171 said:
    We made an agreement in the beginning that I could only afford to go to the DW and no other events, I am no longer local and can't afford to fly in for other events. I told her I don't mind being a guest but she said she still wanted me as a bridesmaid. I haven't been in a wedding since I was in high school and for those 2 I only needed to buy the dress and be at the wedding. haha  
    You were lucky in the first two weddings because it was done correctly.  Many people on these boards will tell you, and rightly so, that your only obligation is to purchase a dress and attend the wedding.  

    Do other BM's host parties, purchase gifts, and assist with planning or DIY projects?  Absolutely. The difference is that participation in those should be voluntary, not mandatory.  Shoes, hair, make up and other requests made by the bride should be paid for by the bride. 

    Politely remind your friend of your agreement.  If the color of her sandal choice is (for example) black, tell her that you have the perfect pair in your closet.  If she is a good friend, she will be happy that you have a pair to wear.
    lea717171Blue_Birddoeydomelbelleup
  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Either back out or stand your ground and tell the bride you will wear appropriate footwear (and then wear something appropriate that you own already or that's in your budget and you'll wear again).

    You're already paying a ton of money to GO to this wedding. You gave the bride your budget, and she went over it. She's also insisting that you pay for the shoes she wants you to wear, completely ignoring your shoe budget (which is $0). She was offended that you (CORRECTLY AND GENTLY) reminded her that she needed to clear the budget with the other bridesmaids.

    People are not props for your wedding day. You are not a doll for your friend to dress up so her pictures look a certain way. Purchasing and wearing a dress in your budget in the color/style the bride wants is the extent of the money you are expected to spend to be a bridesmaid.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
    image
    doeydoCLoGreenEyesPrettyGirlLost
  • doeydodoeydo Southwestern Ontario member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Tell her that you're sorry, but you used all your entire bridesmaid-budget (and some extra) on her dress choice.  You do not have to buy specific shoes, jewelry, etc. that she wants and she was very rude to not even think of her BMs budgets.
    image
  • if my budget was that tight i would have declined to be a bm because i couldnt afford it.

    eta: sounds like you bit off more than you canchew and you have to swallow it now. chuck it up to expierence.

    No.  It sounds like the bride is rude and not asking her BM's budgets before making decisions.  In fact, this BM gave her budget and then was asked to buy a dress that was over that amount.

    And the bride cannot demand specific shoes unless she is willing to pay for them. 

    BM is 100% in the right here.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    KeptInStitchesTeddiD34PrettyGirlLost
  • Your bride is being unreasonable, she should not expect you to buy new shoes. Asking you to wear black is fine, requesting a specific black sandal is not. When she brings it up again I'd offer to wear black sandals of your choosing and if she pushes it I'd laugh and tell her that no one will be looking at the bridesmaids feet, because no one will. If she continues to push it ask her to describe the BM shoes from the last three weddings she has attended.
    grumbledorePrettyGirlLost
  • MrsLillyGMrsLillyG member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited October 2013

    Well it may be too late for this but I generally dont think people that are tight on money should be spending any money on any wedding and I think this is just one of the many reasons for all of the foreclosures in recent years.  Priorities and spending habits are messed up.  (So I would have never accepted the BM position). 

    If you dont like that advice, just tell her that you are really tight on money and cant afford anything else but the dress and the flight/hotel for the wedding.  I would probably also tell her that no one really looks at BM shoes.

     

  • MrsLillyG said:

    Well it may be too late for this but I generally dont think people that are tight on money should be spending any money on any wedding and I think this is just one of the many reasons for all of the foreclosures in recent years.  Priorities and spending habits are messed up.  (So I would have never accepted the BM position). 

    If you dont like that advice, just tell her that you are really tight on money and cant afford anything else but the dress and the flight/hotel for the wedding.  I would probably also tell her that no one really looks at BM shoes.

     

    That's ridiculous.  Being a bridesmaid is about supporting a friend or family member's decision to marry, not about spending money.  That is why a gracious bride asks her bridesmaids what they can afford and works within their budgets.

    It should be more important to a bride to have her closest loves ones there than to have them dressed a certain way.

    I wouldn't care if my best friend wore a dress she already had in a color I hated as long as she is standing up there when I get married.

    Those are the priorities that are out of whack.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    KeptInStitchesOliveOilsMomPrettyGirlLostjenniferurs
  •  

    MrsLillyG said:

    Well it may be too late for this but I generally dont think people that are tight on money should be spending any money on any wedding and I think this is just one of the many reasons for all of the foreclosures in recent years.  Priorities and spending habits are messed up.  (So I would have never accepted the BM position). 

    If you dont like that advice, just tell her that you are really tight on money and cant afford anything else but the dress and the flight/hotel for the wedding.  I would probably also tell her that no one really looks at BM shoes.

     

    That's ridiculous.  Being a bridesmaid is about supporting a friend or family member's decision to marry, not about spending money.  That is why a gracious bride asks her bridesmaids what they can afford and works within their budgets.

    It should be more important to a bride to have her closest loves ones there than to have them dressed a certain way.

    I wouldn't care if my best friend wore a dress she already had in a color I hated as long as she is standing up there when I get married.

    Those are the priorities that are out of whack.

    Being a BM at the very least requires you to 1.  be at the wedding and 2.  get yourself to the wedding.  1.  So yes I think if you are spending time on something that is a social event over making more money or figuring out a way to make more money when you are tight on money-your priorities are out of whack.  2.  Unless your wedding was really local I would not spend the money on transportation to this social event.
  • I would just tell her that sorry, these lovely shoes are outside of your budget and that while you were okay spending $20 outside of your original $100 budget, you unfortunately cannot swing this.

    PrettyGirlLostMyNameIsNotjenniferurs
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    MrsLillyG said:

     

    MrsLillyG said:

    Well it may be too late for this but I generally dont think people that are tight on money should be spending any money on any wedding and I think this is just one of the many reasons for all of the foreclosures in recent years.  Priorities and spending habits are messed up.  (So I would have never accepted the BM position). 

    If you dont like that advice, just tell her that you are really tight on money and cant afford anything else but the dress and the flight/hotel for the wedding.  I would probably also tell her that no one really looks at BM shoes.

     

    That's ridiculous.  Being a bridesmaid is about supporting a friend or family member's decision to marry, not about spending money.  That is why a gracious bride asks her bridesmaids what they can afford and works within their budgets.

    It should be more important to a bride to have her closest loves ones there than to have them dressed a certain way.

    I wouldn't care if my best friend wore a dress she already had in a color I hated as long as she is standing up there when I get married.

    Those are the priorities that are out of whack.

    Being a BM at the very least requires you to 1.  be at the wedding and 2.  get yourself to the wedding.  1.  So yes I think if you are spending time on something that is a social event over making more money or figuring out a way to make more money when you are tight on money-your priorities are out of whack.  2.  Unless your wedding was really local I would not spend the money on transportation to this social event.
    If attending a wedding is important to both the guest and the couple, and the guest is willing to take the necessary steps to be able to go, financial or otherwise, it's not your place to make that decision for them.
    grumbledoreSKPMKeptInStitchesjenniferurs
  • The bride was being improper when she ignored your buget.  Also she is wrong for not considering the others, and she is wrong to make you wear matching shoes (unless she purchases them).  I think you should direct her here, and just tell her, "Bride, I already extended my budget in order to purchase the dress you wanted but that left me with no money for shoes.  I already own similar shoes and I would like to wear those." 

    Also don't let anyone make you feel bad about your finacial situation, I think that friendships are more important then money and as long as you can afford to be with friends (ie. no credit card debt) then why not?  When your at the end of the road what is more important, having a million dollars and no friends, or having a great group of friends?

    Good luck with the bride, sounds like you might need it!

    PrettyGirlLostLegu
  • Jen4948 said:
    MrsLillyG said:

     

    MrsLillyG said:

    Well it may be too late for this but I generally dont think people that are tight on money should be spending any money on any wedding and I think this is just one of the many reasons for all of the foreclosures in recent years.  Priorities and spending habits are messed up.  (So I would have never accepted the BM position). 

    If you dont like that advice, just tell her that you are really tight on money and cant afford anything else but the dress and the flight/hotel for the wedding.  I would probably also tell her that no one really looks at BM shoes.

     

    That's ridiculous.  Being a bridesmaid is about supporting a friend or family member's decision to marry, not about spending money.  That is why a gracious bride asks her bridesmaids what they can afford and works within their budgets.

    It should be more important to a bride to have her closest loves ones there than to have them dressed a certain way.

    I wouldn't care if my best friend wore a dress she already had in a color I hated as long as she is standing up there when I get married.

    Those are the priorities that are out of whack.

    Being a BM at the very least requires you to 1.  be at the wedding and 2.  get yourself to the wedding.  1.  So yes I think if you are spending time on something that is a social event over making more money or figuring out a way to make more money when you are tight on money-your priorities are out of whack.  2.  Unless your wedding was really local I would not spend the money on transportation to this social event.
    If attending a wedding is important to both the guest and the couple, and the guest is willing to take the necessary steps to be able to go, financial or otherwise, it's not your place to make that decision for them.
    This is an internet forum asking for opinions and advice-so I gave mine and what I would do (or would have done).
  • MrsLillyG said:

    Well it may be too late for this but I generally dont think people that are tight on money should be spending any money on any wedding and I think this is just one of the many reasons for all of the foreclosures in recent years.  Priorities and spending habits are messed up.  (So I would have never accepted the BM position). 

    If you dont like that advice, just tell her that you are really tight on money and cant afford anything else but the dress and the flight/hotel for the wedding.  I would probably also tell her that no one really looks at BM shoes.

     


    ? From what I gather here, the OP accepted to be a BM, made sure to tell the bride her budget and the bride blatantly ignored it. Had the OP not given this information to the bride, we might be having a different conversation here, but it seems like the OP was responsible about it. Based on what I'm reading, it seems like the problem has less to do with the OP's budgeting and more with the bride's blatant disregard for it.

     

    grumbledoreKeptInStitchesRebeccaB88jenniferurs
  • MrsLillyG said:

    Well it may be too late for this but I generally dont think people that are tight on money should be spending any money on any wedding and I think this is just one of the many reasons for all of the foreclosures in recent years.  Priorities and spending habits are messed up.  (So I would have never accepted the BM position). 

    If you dont like that advice, just tell her that you are really tight on money and cant afford anything else but the dress and the flight/hotel for the wedding.  I would probably also tell her that no one really looks at BM shoes.

     


    ? From what I gather here, the OP accepted to be a BM, made sure to tell the bride her budget and the bride blatantly ignored it. Had the OP not given this information to the bride, we might be having a different conversation here, but it seems like the OP was responsible about it. Based on what I'm reading, it seems like the problem has less to do with the OP's budgeting and more with the bride's blatant disregard for it.

    My opinion is simply if I was tight on money, i.e out of work for 8 months like the OP, my wedding budget and time would be $0 and 0 minutes.
    rvg22
  • I am getting very mixed responses here haha. It's not a question of going, because I wouldn't miss her wedding (already booked the trip). I have been at my new job for 6 months now so i've been saving portions from each paycheck. I just wasnt sure how to bring up the shoe budget without her getting offended again. I think I will see if she can give us a color/style and let the bridesmaids handle their own shoes.
    grumbledore
  • lea717171 said:
    I am getting very mixed responses here haha. It's not a question of going, because I wouldn't miss her wedding (already booked the trip). I have been at my new job for 6 months now so i've been saving portions from each paycheck. I just wasnt sure how to bring up the shoe budget without her getting offended again. I think I will see if she can give us a color/style and let the bridesmaids handle their own shoes.
    Just say, "the shoes you picked are out of my budget, but i found these that are very similar to wear instead. I hope that's okay with you."
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    SlothGoalslea717171grumbledoreKeptInStitches
  • I haven't even chosen a bridal party and I am already starting to have problems!

    Since I am an "older" first time bride, going shopping for bridal dresses is something I plan on nixing.  Anyhow, when I was discussing things with a possible BM, I said that I'd like my bridal party to buy something that they could afford, in blue/white, and either a dress or skirt/blouse.  That way they could get more than one use out of it.

    Imagine my shock when she said that she was unemployed (which I took into consideration and I believe she could have found something at the Salvation Army),  and that she didn't wear dresses.  She also added that if I got a mutual friend to be the MOH, she'd be pissed!

    Mind you, I stood up for this lady when she got married.  I was unemployed at the time and at no time did she ask me what my budget was.  I do have to say that she wasn't a bridezilla....
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    MrsLillyG said:
    Jen4948 said:
    MrsLillyG said:

     

    MrsLillyG said:

    Well it may be too late for this but I generally dont think people that are tight on money should be spending any money on any wedding and I think this is just one of the many reasons for all of the foreclosures in recent years.  Priorities and spending habits are messed up.  (So I would have never accepted the BM position). 

    If you dont like that advice, just tell her that you are really tight on money and cant afford anything else but the dress and the flight/hotel for the wedding.  I would probably also tell her that no one really looks at BM shoes.

     

    That's ridiculous.  Being a bridesmaid is about supporting a friend or family member's decision to marry, not about spending money.  That is why a gracious bride asks her bridesmaids what they can afford and works within their budgets.

    It should be more important to a bride to have her closest loves ones there than to have them dressed a certain way.

    I wouldn't care if my best friend wore a dress she already had in a color I hated as long as she is standing up there when I get married.

    Those are the priorities that are out of whack.

    Being a BM at the very least requires you to 1.  be at the wedding and 2.  get yourself to the wedding.  1.  So yes I think if you are spending time on something that is a social event over making more money or figuring out a way to make more money when you are tight on money-your priorities are out of whack.  2.  Unless your wedding was really local I would not spend the money on transportation to this social event.
    If attending a wedding is important to both the guest and the couple, and the guest is willing to take the necessary steps to be able to go, financial or otherwise, it's not your place to make that decision for them.
    This is an internet forum asking for opinions and advice-so I gave mine and what I would do (or would have done).
    That's what you would do for yourself, yes.  But it's not appropriate to assume that this is what everyone else should do or pass judgments on those who don't do exactly this.
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited October 2013
    I agree with Bunni and Cowgirl (and others with the same sentiment).

    You have already spent your budget on the dress and are unable to afford the shoes, so you will find something to wear that you are comfortable with spending (or you already own) in an appropriate colour. 
    lea717171Liatris2010PrettyGirlLost
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