Disappointment -long vent-

FoxandBunny

As I mentioned in my "Get to know you" thread, I have never been to a wedding before. People find this very odd, and ask me all the time how it is possible. It actually gets kind of annoying when people act like I'm some deprived child because I've never been to one before. It's not like I've avoided them, it just has never happened. 

However, a few months ago, BF's cousin got engaged. I was apparently able to go to one of BF's other cousin's weddings, but due to a RSVP mix up I was not added, and I didn't want to be rude and show up without giving any sort of notice. When his mother asked him why I wasn't going to the wedding (halfway into the three hour drive there mind you) BF told them them that and his mother was aghast that I wouldn't just go anyway -sigh-. Apparently I could just eat her food and it wouldn't matter (at the time she was going though cancer treatments and was unable to eat). After this incident, I was told that I would be able to go to the next wedding, which was BF's other cousin who had just gotten engaged. I've been super excited about it since then (though I know I shouldn't have been).

Since then, several mentions of the wedding have occurred. When the save the date came, it was hung up on the fridge and a discussion occurred between BF's family (with me there) about the wedding and how it would be an over-night trip as it was in a different state. The invitation for me to attend was extended again, even though BF's mom really doesn't like me very much and is a stickler about us not being able to sleep in the same room together on trips or anything like that. This conversation has also happened several times sense then, with multiple mentions of me going with them. So I've been planning on going, and super excited about it, even though it is only a few days before Christmas and the invitations hadn't come yet.

 Well, the invitation came in the mail this week, and it was only addressed to BF's mother and father. When I saw it, I told BF, "Well, I guess we aren't going, because we aren't invited." BF tells me no, we are invited, and that I'll still get to go. I explain invitation etiquette to him, and he just shrugs and says "We'll see. I'm sure we'll get to go and it was just an addressing faux pas." Apparently today BF pointed this out to his mother, and she became outraged that "the kids" (both over 18) weren't invited. When BF made a mention about me not getting to go either because of it, she looked at him like he had three heads and told him there was no way I would be allowed to go because it was an overnight trip and wasn't "acceptable". Also, there was no way she would make them pay for my food (what?). Also, she's planning on RSVPing and bringing both BF and his brother anyway (even though BF doesn't want to go unless I go).

Frankly, I am super disappointed that I don't get to go. I know I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up before the invitations went out, but seeing how it was expected for BF's whole family to get invited, and I'm an SO of an over-18 member of the family, I figured I'd get to go. Also, the food thing pisses me the hell off. Why should I not get to go because she doesn't want to bride and groom to "pay the expense of my food"? I know she doesn't like me, but come on. And this is going to sound super insensitive, and I'm ready to get flamed for it, but she won't be eating anyway due to her very limited diet since her cancer treatments, so why does the cost of my food matter? Maybe she's just trying to come up with excuses for me not to go. 

Also, her going back on what she told me multiple times about getting to go, even though it was an overnight trip, pisses me off too. I would understand if she had that stance from the first place, but her flip flopping on me is aggravating. It also annoys the hell out of me that she won't even bother calling to see if BF and his brother are invited and is just going to RSVP for them anyway. But I've found that sense I've started lurking on TK I've become somewhat of an etiquette snob when it comes to weddings, so maybe it's just rubbing me the wrong way because of that.

Anyway, if you made it though all of that mess I commend you, because holy crap that was long. I apologize. I also apologize if this seems a little immature of me. BF doesn't really get why this all bothers me as he just wants to stay the hell away from this wedding and all the family drama it has apparently already caused (that I wasn't a part of and BF doesn't care or understand enough to explain to me) so I needed to vent. I know I'm probably making a mountain out of a molehill, but I'm just really sad I won't get to go to a wedding with BF for a little while longer.

ETA- changed title from -slightly long vent- to -long vent- as it is freaking long.

bethsmiles

If he is over 18 he should get his own invitation regardless of if he still lives with his parents. Are you sure his invite just hasn't come in the mail yet? If he truly isn't invited he should tell his mother not to RSVP for him. That's incredibly rude of her and it will reflect poorly on him as well.

I'm sorry you are disappointed but honestly this sounds like a blessing in disguise. It sounds like a lot of drama would be going on even if you were invited. I don't think it would've been as much fun as you are thinking because it would've been a headache dealing with his mom (who sounds a little crazy).

Does she often treat her sons like they are still small children? Does your BF stand up to her? I see some red flags in this post. If you and your BF get married, you will have to deal with this woman for a long time. If your BF doesn't stand his ground with her now, that won't change when you get married.

FoxandBunny

bethsmiles - I know he should get his own invitation (and so should his brother, who is also over 18 and still at home as well), but it hasn't come in the mail yet and it's been since Wednesday. So maybe it just hasn't come yet, but I doubt it. He didn't get a separate invitation to his other cousin's wedding (who is the brother to the cousin getting married in December) earlier this year so I almost think he won't get one. I told him that he should tell her not to RSVP for him if he's not invited, and I think he did (which is how the conversation of him and his brother not being invited came up). I have a feeling she'll mail the RSVP card with him on it anyway, as she constantly does stuff like that.

I think at this point even if it works out I can go I won't. His mom and I do not get along at all, though we act civil to each other's faces mostly. You're right, it does seem like there will be a lot of drama, and I don't want to be a part of it. 

As for BF's mom, yes she's crazy. She has a nasty habit of talking about people behind their back and blowing up at people for the littlest things. The other night I was at their house eating chicken casserole (it's my favorite and I always go over there to eat it), and it was one of the first nights she has cooked since her cancer treatments ended. They ended in March, but because she had throat cancer all her taste buds had been burned out and she has a very limited palette of what she can taste (essentially only salt) and is very picky about texture and smells. She was never the primary cook anyway, as BF's dad is much better at it. Anyway, the casserole was very salty, and I wasn't planning on saying anything about it until BF went to salt his. I gently told him that it was salty, and he sound taste it before he salted it. BF's mom then blew up at me for saying it was salty, and went on a tirade about how ungrateful I was for what she had cooked and how I hadn't helped her at all (by the time I got there the only thing I could have done was take it out of the oven). She also apparently has been blowing up at everyone in the house if they say her cooking isn't good, and she has always been very sensitive to what other people say about anything that might indirectly involve her. I also think she has some control issues, as she tries constantly to make the family what she thinks a "good christian family" so she will force them to go to church or do other things that she thinks would make them the model family and raise hell if things don't go her way. Once she asked BF if he wanted to go on a very expensive overseas mission trip. He said no, but she signed him up and immediately paid for it anyway. He couldn't back out because it was already paid for. She constantly says he's "ungodly and going to hell" because he's not a Christian (neither of us are). She doesn't consult anyone about family vacations either, just says "we're leaving at this time to go here like it or not." It's very annoying.  

She tries to treat BF like he's a child, like telling him which bank account he should put money in, where he should spend time, what time he should come home, ect. She does it with both of her sons. However, BF doesn't stand for it much. He hates it. He constantly stands up to her and tells her stop, but a lot of times she won't. He especially does it about things regarding me. They constantly got into shouting arguments about me for the first two or so years we dated because she hated my guts for some reason that she could not articulate to him, and he wouldn't put up with her constantly putting me down or saying I was ugly or that. She even set up dates for him to go on with daughters of people from their church (where they don't really go anymore) or from her work. He always told her no, and told his brother to have fun on the date she had set up for him. I'm pretty sure BF is planning on cutting her out of his/our lives once he leave the house, as he considers her totally BSC and just getting worse.

Gosh, it's turning into rant about BF's mother time :P

ETA - Clarity and more information

bethsmiles

Ugh...I'm sorry you have to deal with all that! I know she is going through rough time with the cancer but that's not an excuse to treat others poorly or act BSC (and it sounds like she was like this before the cancer). I'm glad your BF stands up for himself and for you!

FoxandBunny

Yeah, I wish I didn't have to deal with it. I knew he was a good guy when he told me that the second his mom insulted how I looked he "went on an almost hour long rant about how she was dead wrong and I was the most beautiful girl in the world and her opinion on it didn't matter." I have been trying to be understanding of her tough times due to her cancer, but neither BF or I can stand it when she just blows up at every little thing anyone does that doesn't fit her exact plans or expectations and storms out and refuses to talk to anyone after it happens. 

I hope BF moves out soon so we don't have to deal with her anymore. 

bethsmiles

My mom used to be like that. Growing up I hated being home at the same time as her. Things have gotten a million times better since I moved out (and moved a couple states away) and she finished going through menopause.

I can understand wanting to cut off contact altogether but I think he should see how limited contact, after he's moved out changes things. It could get better, it might not, but it could.

FoxandBunny

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'll definitely suggest that to him. It will be hard to cut off all contact with her because BF will want to stay in contact with his dad, and currently works with his dad. I'll suggest limited contact, and hopefully that will make it better. If it doesn't though, I don't think BF will have problems (emotionally anyway) cutting her off. He has never gotten along with her and they have apparently butted heads his whole life, and I just make the problem worse. 

BF and I have talked about her in our future, and he says I'm much more important to him than his mother. If it's me or her, he will always choose me. We have also talked about weddings and children in regards to her as well, and he is on my boat of limiting all stress (as she WILL cause stress) and limiting her involvement in those areas of our lives if not cutting her out. I'm pretty sure the only wedding involvement she'll have is possibly his side of the family guest list, if that. I will absolutely refuse all money from her, as I know he who pays has a say and I want her to have no say at all. Our style and taste are totally different. Different enough that BF has to screen all presents that come from her as she never fails to pick something I would probably never even touch with a ten foot pole. It usually takes two or three tries to get something he deems remotely acceptable. And I don't want the stress of her yelling that I'm not making good decisions and am an awful person because I don't like her color choices.

ETA- clarity

Blue & White

It doesn't really sound like you are but I'd recommend making it clear that you are not putting his mom between you and your boyfriend - this could cause a whole bunch of bad feelings down the road.

Family issues are pretty hard to deal with, but I would definitely not want to be trapped with her in another state so I think you might be in the clear on this one. At the very least, though, if you two were invited, you should also be expected to pay for your own gift for the couple and likely pay for your own accommodations. So the over 18 card goes both ways.

loves2shop4shoes

Oh man.  I made it through the post and all of the responses.

Your BF was not invited to the wedding.  Neither were you.  If your BF were invited, he would've gotten a separate invitation, since he's over 18.  Your BF's mother would be exceptionally rude to RSVP for someone who was not invited, but IF she does, your BF needs to draw a line in the sand, and tell her, "Mom, I'm not going.  I told you not to RSVP for me.  You did anyway.  I am an adult, and I said I'm not going, so I'm not going."

Your BF needs to learn something I learned a long, LONG time ago.  If you're over 18, it doesn't matter what your parents want you to do!  It doesn't matter what they think.  They cannot FORCE you to do anything.  What is she going to do?  Physically pick him up and drag him into the car?  Unlikely, since she's been battling cancer recently.  (I don't mean that insensitively.)

HE NEEDS TO TAKE A STAND.  Words and actions are two VERY different things.  And telling her, "I won't do X," but then ACTUALLY DOING X when she pays for it (or when someone else does) is basically telling her that it's ok to override his decisions as an adult, because he'll ultimately go along with it if he feels like there's financial loss involved.  She needs to understand that when he, as an adult, says no, it's no.

If she RSVPs yes for him, he needs to refuse to attend, and call his cousin to clarify and apologize for the mix up.  If she starts guilting him about how his cousin paid for his plate, his response should be, "You should've thought about that before RSVPing for me after I said no.  I hope you give an extra large gift to compensate for YOUR mistake."

As for the overnight thing...your BF needs to stop allowing her to treat him as a child.  Because even though he seems to be putting up some resistance, he is not acting like an adult.  Having his mommy tell him that his girlfriend cannot take weekend trips with him is not very adult like.  And, frankly, HER beliefs should not dictate YOUR sex life, and she should not be given the impression that they do.

If you want to go on an overnight trip together, you should pay for the room yourselves, as adults.  And she cannot say a damn thing about it...because YOU paid.

Bottom line here:  Your BF needs to start ACTING like an adult and take a stand.  He needs to start refusing to give in to her manipulation and control games.  It REALLY sounds like he either needs to move out, or start paying rent.  If he pays rent, it's more difficult to hold the "You're living under MY roof" card over his head.  And he needs to not accept financial assistance from her.  He needs to become an independent adult.  It sounds like his mother was BSC before, and then with the cancer, felt like she lost control of her life.  So now she's trying to control EVERYTHING, even things she has no business controlling.

Your BF needs to ACT like an adult to be treated like one.  And he needs to establish boundaries.  Attending the wedding should be the least of your worries here.

[Deleted User]

@love2shop4shoes said a lot of what I was going to say.  I have a parent that is kind of like this, and it took a lot of counseling for me to get to a place where I could say no and actually not go along with it. 

all this really sucks! 

tuarceatha

LivLeighton said:

I made it through all of that and then typed out a nice response and then TK ate it. Boo. I don't want to type it all out again so I'll just make a few points.

I don't think you sound immature at all to feel this way. I'd feel the same.

Agree with PPs who have said that BF needs to stick up for himself and for you, and now is the time to start. Also, I think not living with her will go a long way toward distancing himself from the crazy. 

Just as one point, my parents wouldn't allow BFs of mine in the past to sleep in my same bed with me if we were going on family trips until I was....maybe 23 or so? Out of college, anyway. I always fought it (they knew I was sleeping with these guys in my own dorm/home) but they were adamant. It was obnoxious, but coming out from the other side of that I sort of see their point, ish. So I think it's stupid that BF's mom flip flopped on the whole thing (and everything else) but there are ways to make that work -- you and BF could still go but sleep in separate beds or whatever. 

Anyway, I wouldn't touch that wedding with a ten-foot pole. Sorry you're dealing with this.

What she said.

FoxandBunny

Thanks for the responses everyone. I really appreciate it, and I agree with ya'll. BF does need to stand up to his mother. Unfortunately, many people have been trying to pacify her for so long that it will be hard, but I will definitely talk to him about it and see how it goes. 

Also, I talked to BF this morning, and she mailed off the RSVP card with him on it, even though he told her not too. I'll talk to him about calling his cousin and standing up to his mother about this. I know BF wasn't invited (and therefore I wasn't either), and he knows that, but apparently his mother went on an outrage saying it was rude not to invite BF and his brother, and wrote them down on the RSVP anyway. -sigh-

As for moving out, it's just not in the cards financially right now as his income is sporadic and based entirely on when a job gets finished. He may get paid every week, or he may not get paid for over a month. The cost of an apartment in our area, even a studio, is too much for him to afford right now and not wipe out his savings in a month or two if he doesn't get paid as much as he has been or doesn't get paid at all that month. As for him being financially independent, he pays for everything himself except for some food and rent. He accepts no money from his parents except for in the form of food and what would be included in a rent. He is trying to save up so that he can move out as quickly as possible, but with his current pay structure, it won't happen for a little while. I'll talk to him about paying rent to his parents for his room, though I feel like that won't help the situation with his mom any as she will still see him as "living under their roof" even though he's paying rent. She is very controlling, and still sees him as her "precious little boy" so she'll meddle until he leaves I think. 

As for the overnight thing, my main problem with it was her flip flopping on the fact I could go. I would respect her wishes for us to sleep in separate rooms, as at that point she would have been paying. The sleeping in separate rooms was not the problem I had, as it is a norm in my area for that to happen until you are married. My problem is that I've gone on vacation with them before, and now it's suddenly a problem, even though she repeatedly told me it wasn't and has shown me by vacations in the past that it wasn't. 

All in all, I will talk to BF about all of this and see what he says. I'm not sure he sees this as such a big problem as I do (the wedding thing, not her control issues and him acting more like an adult), but maybe I can make him see the light. 

blabla89

Having recently been through a similar family wedding ordeal with my own BF, I feel for you.

I totally understand why you’re disappointed, but I wouldn’t take it personally that the cousin didn’t invite you (and maybe didn’t invite your bf?) – she may be narrowing the list to stay within budget. Maybe that’s what his mom was alluding to? I know it’s still disappointing and not in keeping with proper etiquette. Are your bf and his cousin close? Have you met the cousin? I’ve never been invited to bring a date to a family wedding, so I guess I just never thought anything of it.

I’m sorry about his mom, that’s really frustrating.

FoxandBunny

lalalaurita - Thanks. I know I shouldn't be disappointed, but I am. I was really excited to finally go to a wedding. BF knows his cousin pretty well, although they don't see each other too much due to the cousin being in school in another state. And I have meet him before, though briefly a couple of years ago at a very crowded Christmas party. I understand if BF and I not were not invited due to cost and I totally get that and do not hold it against the cousin at all, but I am just personally disappointed. 

bride2b71614

Family drama sucks. I understand where you are coming from. Having a significant other with an over controlling family member can definitely take a toll on a person especially if they are the one who is under attack. A huge pet peeve of mine is when a family member isn't forthright and honest with you. The mom invites you out to trips, then she won't let you stay in the same room, she says come to the wedding, all of a sudden its well my son can go and you can't...it would honestly drive me crazy. I see that your BF's mom is controlling, and that you dislike how she treats her son. 

That being said, I agree with @loves2shop4shoes. I think that the mom acts BSC because she feels as though she's lost control of her life. She has two sons who are exiting the house, and its probably easier for her to target you as the problem. I also agree with @blue&white, even though you aren't (intentionally) driving a wedge between him and his mother, I would tread very lightly and attempt to make sure she understands that your intentions aren't to take her son away. 

Also, @loves2shop4shoes makes a really good point, he has to stand up for himself. A recent post states that you talked to your bf, and you are encouraging him to talk to the cousin? I think he needs to make the decision to call for himself, and to pick and choose his battles. 

I hope that things get better. Even though you might not be able to attend this wedding, there will be more weddings to come (especially if the ring before spring tradition is real).