Groomsman dilemma

crchubb

Hi everyone, first time posting. I’ve browsed a few pages of the boards and didn’t see a past post close to my issue. My FI and I got engaged a few weeks ago. We have been dating for over 7 years J He has a friend that he’s known since middle school. I am not going to go into all the details but basically this guy is an admitted alcoholic that likes to party. He doesn’t know how to control himself in social situations. He doesn’t like me because I don’t “allow” my FI to go out with him on the weekends. He’s a 34 year old man that lacks any sense of responsibility and never takes anything seriously.  His role model is Will Ferrell in the movie Step Brothers. (I’m not joking) I understand that it’s my FI’s choice on who he wants in the wedding, but I refuse to let his friend be a groomsman. I know that I will be stressed the whole day about who is babysitting him and what he might do/say during the ceremony. My FI said that he and his best man will have a chat with him about the way to act but that is not the least bit reassuring. I feel tension every time I am around him. The thought of having him in pictures make me feel sick. I’ve talked asked close friends for their thoughts and they see my side because they know the person and his history. Please HELP!

itzMS

crchubb said:

Hi everyone, first time posting. I’ve browsed a few
pages of the boards and didn’t see a past post close to my issue. My FI and I
got engaged a few weeks ago. We have been dating for over 7 years J
He has a friend that he’s known since middle school. I am not going to go into
all the details but basically this guy is an admitted alcoholic that likes to
party. He doesn’t know how to control himself in social situations. He doesn’t
like me because I don’t “allow” my FI to go out with him on the weekends. He’s
a 34 year old man that lacks any sense of responsibility and never takes
anything seriously.  His role model is Will
Ferrell in the movie Step Brothers. (I’m not joking) I understand that it’s
my FI’s choice on who he wants in the wedding, but I refuse to let his friend
be a groomsman. I know that I will be stressed the whole day about who is
babysitting him and what he might do/say during the ceremony. My FI said that he
and his best man will have a chat with him about the way to act but that is not
the least bit reassuring. I feel tension every time I am around him. The
thought of having him in pictures make me feel sick. I’ve talked asked close
friends for their thoughts and they see my side because they know the person
and his history. Please HELP!

Unless he's been violent towards you (or has hit on you, or something comparably inappropriate), you can't control your FI's wedding party.

You just can't.


No one needs to babysit him. If he does something, he looks like the jackass not you or FI.

cowgirl8238

agree with ItzMS.  Unless he is outright inappropriate there isn't much you can do and it will only reflect poorly on him.

Obviously your FI feels very close to this friend if he asked him to be GM so you'll probably have to just suck it up.  Sorry

OliveOilsMom

There is nothing you can do.  You choose your side and FI chooses his.  You can warn your venue about this guy and tell them that he can be cut off at anytime they feel necessary.  Also tell your venue that he can be escorted out of the reception if he starts acting out.  This behavior only reflects on him, not you or your FI.  And you just don't have to buy any photographs with this guy in them. 

SlothGoals

Ditto PPs. You can't dictate who is or isn't in your FIs WP. 

slgirl21

I agree you can not tell your FI who can be in his wedding party, yes we can express your concerns and if your FI wants to talk to him about how to act , then let your FI handle that on his own.

climbingsingle

I agree with PPs. I personally think you're being immature. Let your FI pick who he wants. You can't dictate to him who to choose. If he gets drunk and acts like an ass, it reflects badly on him. Not you. Focus on the fact that you're getting married and not on what this person may do. If he's one of your FI's best friends, you're going to need to get over it. Sounds like he's going to continue to be in your FI's life. 

AddieCake

The thought of him being in the pictures makes you sick? Please go get a margarita and relax a little. You don't get to choose your fiance's groomsmen, just like he doesn't get to choose your bridesmaids.

doeydo

You don't get to pick or veto any of your FI's groomsmen.  Unless this friend has been violent, threatened, or sexually assaulted you (in which case, I think your FI wouldn't be friends with him anyways), you need to relax.
And also:

MyNameIsNot

You don't get to choose your FI's friends, and you don't get to tell him who he can ask to stand up with him.  He obviously feels very close to this guy if he plans to ask him to be best man.  

Perhaps the friend has a point in not liking you because you control your FI?  Trying to veto his BM is awfully controlling.  Part of marriage means accepting that you aren't always going to like your spouse's friends.  You'll have a better go of it if you learn to accept that now.  

manateehugger

You can't control your FI's wedding party...or his friends for that matter. If he wants his friend as his best man, guess what? His friend is his best man.

I think one of my FI's groomsman is a douchebag, FI knows I think this, but it's HIS friend, so I'm staying out of it. Honestly, it's not that big of a deal. You need to get over it. The pictures you cherish most from your wedding day will be the ones of you and your new husband anyway.

AddieCake

I also wanted to add that this reminds me of one of my guy friends. His wife hates one of his friends. She did "allow" him to be in the wedding, but in recent years has insisted my friend not have anything to do with the guy. And he completely resents her for it. Is that something you're looking to have happen in your relationship/marriage? Your husband resenting you for choosing his friends? If so, by all means, die on this hill.