is it about what WE want or is it about what OTHER people want? What should I do??

Danimeli208

Hello,

I am in a little bit of a bind here. I'm getting married soon-ish and I asked a good friend of mine if he wanted to be our officiant. My fiance has not met him before. My friend is a big guy with a beard, tattoos and gauges. i told my fiance that his tattoos will be covered up but his gauges will still be showing (cant really cover that up) So my fiance's responded with "My dad hates gauges" my response "I'm sorry, is your dad getting married by him or even paying for him?" (btw we are paying for everything). My friend is a really good officiant and does a great job at it, I love his style with his magnificent beard and the gauges and I think it would fit nicely in our ceremony and he's one of the nicest people i know. 

my question is, was my response too harsh and should i take what his dad cares about into consideration? (side note: my fiance and I both people of science ((hence our science themed wedding)) so are not religious and we do not want to have any sort of religion in our ceremony and his parents are catholic and want us to have a catholic ceremony.)   

I'm just starting to feel like the wedding is not about what WE want, it's about what OTHER people want. is this normal and What should I do?

ginger2431

I think what this might come down to is just how important will this be to your FIL (and potentially fiancé)?  I understand that you think your friend will do a great job and that you love his style, but do you think you could find someone else who would also do a great job, but potentially cause less familial drama?

At the end of the day, I do think your wedding is about you, but you need to be sensitive as to how your family members (and future family members) feel as well.  After all, do you really want to start off your married life (and your relationship with your new family members) with what might be perceived as a slight?  I could be completely off, just a thought!

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck with your situation!  (And yes, I agree that it is normal.  I'm starting to think my wedding isn't at all about what my fiancé and I want.)

RebeccaB88

If you're adult enough to plan a wedding, pay for a wedding, and get married, then you're adult enough to tell your parents 'this is what we're doing, and our decision is final'.  If you're paying, then no one else gets a say.  If some people are willing to miss the wedding because they don't agree with something that's important to you, that's not hurting or being rude to anyone else, then that's on them.  They can decide for themselves and live with the consequences.  Your wedding, your officiant choice is your decision.

doeydo

My grandparents don't like gauges either, but I doubt they would make a scene in the middle of the ceremony if the officiant had gauges.  What does he expect his dad to do?

HisGirlFriday13

Danimeli208 said:

Hello,

I am in a little bit of a bind here. I'm getting married soon-ish and I asked a good friend of mine if he wanted to be our officiant. My fiance has not met him before. My friend is a big guy with a beard, tattoos and gauges. i told my fiance that his tattoos will be covered up but his gauges will still be showing (cant really cover that up) So my fiance's responded with "My dad hates gauges" my response "I'm sorry, is your dad getting married by him or even paying for him?" (btw we are paying for everything). My friend is a really good officiant and does a great job at it, I love his style with his magnificent beard and the gauges and I think it would fit nicely in our ceremony and he's one of the nicest people i know. 

my question is, was my response too harsh and should i take what his dad cares about into consideration? (side note: my fiance and I both people of science ((hence our science themed wedding)) so are not religious and we do not want to have any sort of religion in our ceremony and his parents are catholic and want us to have a catholic ceremony.)   

I'm just starting to feel like the wedding is not about what WE want, it's about what OTHER people want. is this normal and What should I do?

There are few aspects of the wedding where it is acceptable for the bride and groom to completely disregard the wishes of VIP guests and say, "It's OUR day and we'll do what WE want."

This is one of those exceptions. You are absolutely within your rights to say to your FI's father that this is your officiant and you've chosen him and the matter is closed for discussion.

BUT -- if you're going to say that, your FI needs to be on the same page as you and he needs to back you up if his father complains.

clg1213

I agree that this is a decision for the couple, not the crowd.  However, I do feel your reply was a bit harsh only because it didn't really account for how FI feels (this may have been clearer in real life vs. the limited post).  FI might feel it is a place where he'd rather go with something that his father would be comfortable with and a place to "give in" a bit especially given how different the plan is from what his dad would have liked. 

AddieCake

It depends on your family dynamic and whether or not this is a hill to die on. 

Maggie0829

Was your FI okay with you asking this person that he has never met before to be your wedding officiant?

Also, I don't think you necessarily have to take your FFIL feelings into account but I do think you should take your FI feelings into account.  And if your FI feels strongly of not upsetting his Father by your choice of officiant, you should really listen and come to a compromise.

OliveOilsMom

Ditto Maggie.  You should have discussed with FI about the officiant before asking him to do the ceremony.  The ceremony should truly reflect the two of you and if this is the officiant that you BOTH want, then that trumps FFIL's feelings on gauges.  But your FI should meet your officiant friend first before officially hiring him.  Tell your friend that you jumped the gun and you want to meet all together with your FI before deciding on an officiant.

itzMS

While it's not justified, many people naturally assume that an alternative appearance equals a non-serious person (slacker, rebel, insert whatever inaccurate term you'd like). Your wedding officiant needs to take things seriously, and it sounds like you know he will.

Why not take the officiant out to dinner with your FI (and both sets of parents) so you can meet? Discuss the ceremony and reduce any concerns. It's common for officiants to meet often with the couple and meet their parents, as well. My priest did.

Liatris2010

Parents of the bride and groom never ever get a say in the personal appearance of members of the wedding party, unless they are also the parent of a WP member who is under 18. So no, your FI's father doesn't get a say in what your officiant looks like. Sorry. Adults don't tell each other how to dress, wear their hair, or what body modifications to show. If you don't like someone else's appearance, too bad. FI's dad is going to have to swallow his disgust and get over it.

southernbelle0915

Liatris2010 said:

Parents of the bride and groom never ever get a say in the personal appearance of members of the wedding party, unless they are also the parent of a WP member who is under 18. So no, your FI's father doesn't get a say in what your officiant looks like. Sorry. Adults don't tell each other how to dress, wear their hair, or what body modifications to show. If you don't like someone else's appearance, too bad. FI's dad is going to have to swallow his disgust and get over it.

This. FFIL isn't paying for the vendor. He is going to have to put on his big boy panties and focus on what's important...you know... what's actually being SAID at the ceremony.

If you want to keep the wedding completely about you two without worrying about pleasing certain people, pay for everything yourselves. If no one is paying for anything, they don't get a say in it. Period. If you're already doing that, live/learn/breathe the tagline, "That's an interesting idea. We'll think about that. (insert subject change)."

kitty8403

I don't understand why you would select an officiant without first giving your fiancé the chance to meet him and decide how he feels about that person.
It's his wedding too. My FI would be very upset if I chose someone he didnt know. This sounds like a passive-aggressive way of saying that maybe he isn't happy about it. They need to meet.

PrettyGirlLost

kitty8403 said:

I don't understand why you would select an officiant without first giving your fiancé the chance to meet him and decide how he feels about that person. It's his wedding too. My FI would be very upset if I chose someone he didnt know. This sounds like a passive-aggressive way of saying that maybe he isn't happy about it. They need to meet.

I agree with all of this.

cidefi

DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!! Have who YOU WANT in your wedding.