Best way to not offend someone?

starke87

I don't want certain people to bring a guest. What's the best way to go about this? It's not a matter of liking one more than the other, more like an issue of several family members passing away and not wanting to see a "guest" in their place.

itzMS

starke87 said:

I don't want certain people to bring a guest. What's the best way to go about this? It's not a matter of liking one more than the other, more like an issue of several family members passing away and not wanting to see a "guest" in their place.

So, hypothetically, the situation is that your uncle has passed and YOU would be uncomfortable if your aunt brought a date?

Did I interpret that correctly?

As the host of an event, you must put your guests' comfort at the forefront. Asking a widow or widower to attend an event alone for the sake of your own peace of mind is incredibly insensitive.

starke87

Along those lines, but not an Aunt. We have 4 family members who lost their long term spouse/partner, but still have children who live with them or other family members living with them. We are inviting their whole family, but there are 2 who are constantly trying to fill a void and are in and out of "relationships" every other week.  We want people we are closest to to celebrate with us,. not some temporary fill in.

Not sure if I'm articulating my thoughts correctly, but they definitely wouldn't be alone. We wouldn't expect anyone to show up alone, it's more so since their family is coming, but this is why I'm asking thoughts on it. I know it sounds selfish, but i feel it would create some really unnecessary sad/emotional situations, for us and other guests, that we could do without on our wedding day. 

AprilH81

starke87 said:

I don't want certain people to bring a guest. What's the best way to go about this? It's not a matter of liking one more than the other, more like an issue of several family members passing away and not wanting to see a "guest" in their place.

Technically if a guest does not have a significant other (by their definition, not yours) you do not HAVE invite them with a guest.

If they have started dating again and consider themselves to be in a relationship you must invite both individuals by name, not Sue Smith and Guest.

And I agree with the above poster.  To make a guest attend alone just so you don't get uncomfortable is pretty rude.

LiLe422

starke87 said:

Along those lines, but not an Aunt. We have 4 family members who lost their long term spouse/partner, but still have children who live with them or other family members living with them. We are inviting their whole family, but there are 2 who are constantly trying to fill a void and are in and out of "relationships" every other week.  We want people we are closest to to celebrate with us,. not some temporary fill in.

Not sure if I'm articulating my thoughts correctly, but they definitely wouldn't be alone. We wouldn't expect anyone to show up alone, it's more so since their family is coming, but this is why I'm asking thoughts on it. I know it sounds selfish, but i feel it would create some really unnecessary sad/emotional situations, for us and other guests, that we could do without on our wedding day. 

You're right, it does sound selfish -- because it is. 

If they are in a relationship, their SO must be invited. 

itzMS

starke87 said:

Along those lines, but not an Aunt. We have 4 family members who lost their long term spouse/partner, but still have children who live with them or other family members living with them. We are inviting their whole family, but there are 2 who are constantly trying to fill a void and are in and out of "relationships" every other week.  We want people we are closest to to celebrate with us,. not some temporary fill in.

Not sure if I'm articulating my thoughts correctly, but they definitely wouldn't be alone. We wouldn't expect anyone to show up alone, it's more so since their family is coming, but this is why I'm asking thoughts on it. I know it sounds selfish, but i feel it would create some really unnecessary sad/emotional situations, for us and other guests, that we could do without on our wedding day. 

Sorry, but it's not your role to prevent hard feelings.

Nor is it your luxury to analyze the seriousness of a relationship. If someone is in a relationship, their partner/SO must be invited.

If the "kids" are offended that mom or dad is dating again, they can get over it or choose to not attend.

Your wedding guest list isn't the appropriate time to play mediator.

Maggie0829

How in the world do you know that they are "trying to fill a void" or that their relationships aren't as true as say yours and your FI?  Stop judging.  Let the adults in your life do whatever the heck they please when it comes to being in a relationship or not.  It is not your place to decide that what they are doing is "filling a void" or is true love.

If by the time invites go out and these two individuals are in relationship then their SOs need to be invited.  Period.

starke87

itzMS said:

Along those lines, but not an Aunt. We have 4 family members who lost their long term spouse/partner, but still have children who live with them or other family members living with them. We are inviting their whole family, but there are 2 who are constantly trying to fill a void and are in and out of "relationships" every other week.  We want people we are closest to to celebrate with us,. not some temporary fill in.

Not sure if I'm articulating my thoughts correctly, but they definitely wouldn't be alone. We wouldn't expect anyone to show up alone, it's more so since their family is coming, but this is why I'm asking thoughts on it. I know it sounds selfish, but i feel it would create some really unnecessary sad/emotional situations, for us and other guests, that we could do without on our wedding day. 

Sorry, but it's not your role to prevent hard feelings. Nor is it your luxury to analyze the seriousness of a relationship. If someone is in a relationship, their partner/SO must be invited. If the "kids" are offended that mom or dad is dating again, they can get over it or choose to not attend. Your wedding guest list isn't the appropriate time to play mediator.

Ok, thank you. This is why I'm asking for advice now and from people not in our family. So basically just let people deal with it and keep potential upset guests at different tables?

starke87

Maggie0829 said:

How in the world do you know that they are "trying to fill a void" or that their relationships aren't as true as say yours and your FI?  Stop judging.  Let the adults in your life do whatever the heck they please when it comes to being in a relationship or not.  It is not your place to decide that what they are doing is "filling a void" or is true love.

If by the time invites go out and these two individuals are in relationship then their SOs need to be invited.  Period.

Holy crap. I'm not judging, I'm repeating exactly what has been told to me by the people themselves.

itzMS

I'm assuming these are mostly some "kids" (aka young adults) who are mourning the loss of a parent and are miffed that the surviving parent is dating again. There's a Dr. Phil episode on situations like this almost every week :-)

The "kids" (or whomever else is miffed) can suck it up, or choose to RSVP "no". (Anyone over 18 should get their own invitation, even if they still live at home in case that question were to come up next).

I wouldn't even go so far as seating them separately unless it's really easy to do with your guest list (i.e. cousins at one table, aunts & uncles at another table)

starke87

Yes, like 16-23 range. One is closer to 30 but just one. We were back and forth: do we include guest and let them decided, or just not invite a guest so people aren't upset or hurt? But I appreciate your insight, it's sometimes best to have an outsider's opinion.

NYCBruin

starke87 said:

itzMS said:

Along those lines, but not an Aunt. We have 4 family members who lost their long term spouse/partner, but still have children who live with them or other family members living with them. We are inviting their whole family, but there are 2 who are constantly trying to fill a void and are in and out of "relationships" every other week.  We want people we are closest to to celebrate with us,. not some temporary fill in.

Not sure if I'm articulating my thoughts correctly, but they definitely wouldn't be alone. We wouldn't expect anyone to show up alone, it's more so since their family is coming, but this is why I'm asking thoughts on it. I know it sounds selfish, but i feel it would create some really unnecessary sad/emotional situations, for us and other guests, that we could do without on our wedding day. 

Sorry, but it's not your role to prevent hard feelings. Nor is it your luxury to analyze the seriousness of a relationship. If someone is in a relationship, their partner/SO must be invited. If the "kids" are offended that mom or dad is dating again, they can get over it or choose to not attend. Your wedding guest list isn't the appropriate time to play mediator.

Ok, thank you. This is why I'm asking for advice now and from people not in our family. So basically just let people deal with it and keep potential upset guests at different tables?

Based on what you're saying it sounds like certain family members are trying to pressure you into not inviting people with their SOs because they don't approve of their parent dating, is that right?

Don't let them put you in this position.  If they don't approve of the relationship, that's their problem, not yours.  

If you feel like you need to sit people at separate tables, that's always a good solution.

My guess is these people pressuring you are probably making this a bigger deal to you than it actually is.  They are trying to emotionally manipulate you (by telling you how upset/hurt/sad/whatever they will be if you do the polite thing and invite the parent's SO).  These are 95% likely completely empty threats.

These kids sure are acting like kids and are trying to involve you in their drama.  Stay strong!  Don't let them manipulate you!!!

southernbelle0915

Ask the person if they are in a relationship when you're about to send invitations. If they are, get the SO's name. If they're not, just address the invitation to them (e.g. Mrs. Jane Smith) - and do not put "and guest" unless you want to. The point is, if they consider themselves in a relationship, the SO gets invited. If not, additional guests are at your discretion.

If they bring an SO and it's upsetting to others in your family, just seat them and their SO at another table. Problem solved.

starke87

thank you for your feedback

ashleyep

If they're seeing someone, find out their SOs name and include it on the invite. If they're not seeing someone, you don't have to invite them with a guest, so you can avoid that "and guest" situation.

The kids might get pissed that their mom has a new beau, but that's not on you.

Jen4948

If the person in question isn't already in a relationship, list their name alone without "and guest" after it.  But if s/he is in a relationship, his/her partner must also be included by name.