Moms and Maids

Giving someone the option of being a bridesmaid- bad idea or good idea?

peachy13peachy13 in my cubicle, doing very important work member
Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
edited July 2014 in Moms and Maids
Is it okay to talk to a friend/family member and give them the option, letting them know that I would love to have them as a bridesmaid, but that I would understand if they can't? (and that they'd be invited to the wedding). I just want to avoid making them feel like I don't want them there.
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Answers

  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    hseabury said:
    I have 5 definite bridesmaids on my list, and 2 maybes. They are maybes because one is giving birth next year and will be a new mom for my wedding-- however she is my fiancee's sister. The other one is also planning a wedding and will be busy, on top of having an unclear living location due to her fiancee's military schedule--however I am in her wedding next year, which is a full year before mine. I feel as though it would be wrong to exclude them, but I don't want them to feel obligated to take on bridesmaid duties (especially the new mom!). 

    Is it okay to talk to them in person and give them the option, letting them know that I would love to have them as a bridesmaid, but that I would understand if they can't? (and that they'd be invited to the wedding). I just want to avoid making either of them feel like I don't want them there.

    If you want them to be BMs, then ask them.  Weddings aren't tit for tat either, so don't feel obligated to ask your friend whose wedding you are in.  Don't give them the option to back out, just plainly ask them if they want to be BMs, they are adults and can decide for themselves if their lives are so crazy they can't be in the wedding.

    As for your FSIL, my only advice is to try and let her wait until after the baby is born to buy her BM dress.  My best friend was in a wedding and had her baby a full 6 months before the wedding.  But the bride insisted she get measured and order her dress while 8 months pregnant!  It ended up costing her an extra $100 to get it altered correctly because it was so big.

    Blue_BirdCLoGreenEyesdoeydo
  • Just ask them, they can decline if they don't want to.

    Keep in mind that the list most websites give out is less than realistic. All they really have to do to be a bridesmaid is to get the dress and attend the wedding. Everything else is a bonus.
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    Blue_Birddoeydo
  • Blue_BirdBlue_Bird Bawlmer member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    There aren't any duties associated with being a bridesmaid. It is a position of honor, so that shouldn't deter anyone. If you want them there, ask them. Don't say anything else. They will say yes if they want to. They aren't obligated to do anything. You are right in thinking they'll probably think you don't want them there if you give them the option to back out. Also, don't ask anyone out of a sense of obligation. It will blow up in your face. No one is owed a bridesmaid honor.
    doeydo
  • 1. It is TOO SOON to be asking bridesmaids now for a wedding two years in the future. Wait until 6-9 months in advance.

    2. When you ask someone to be a bridesmaid, they always have the option to decline.

    3. Bridesmaids buy a dress within the budget you have privately asked them about and smile for pictures. That is all they need do. If they choose to do more, that's great, but it's not a requirement.
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    doeydoJen&Mike8
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Any time anyone is asking someone to be a bridesmaid they're giving them the option of saying yes or no.  It's not a summons.  This is one reason that cutesy ways of asking people are a bad idea. 

    Ditto everybody else - it's too soon to ask anyone to be a bridesmaid/MOH, they don't have any responsibilities beyond getting the dress, which should be selected with their budget and comfort in mind (you find out their budget by asking them each, individually and privately, what their budget is).  Your FSIL can handle buying a dress, even with a new baby.  Your other friend can handle getting a dress even if she's living in a different town. 



  • It's totally okay. I mentally had my bridesmaid list picked out, but before I had a chance to ask them one of them lost her job. She is the breadwinner in a family of 4 and there was (still is) a good chance that she may move west.

    So I called her to ask her and explained that I totally get she is in a place in her life right now where she has important decisions to make and lots of big things to figure out and if she could let me know within "the next few months" what she thinks she may be able to do/not do I'd really appreciate it. I explained that all I really needed her to do was be all pretty in the dress day of, but also to just be the emotional support that I know she can be (and that I know I need) on my wedding day. Up until then I don't have any real needs except for girl talk.

    That was a couple of months ago, and I'm still in no hurry; she hasn't been able to get a new job yet and just has a lot going on until she can figure it out. So whatever happens happens and that's perfectly fine.
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I agree it's too soon to even ask and that the act of asking is already giving them the option. Like Vic said, it's not a summons. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • I gave my older sister the option. She HATES weddings and even dropped out of her friends wedding within the past year because she hates them so much. She didn't congratulate me on getting engaged while my other siblings were ecstatic! She was complaining to my brother about how she was going to probably have to be in my wedding. Well the next time she brought up the wedding I told her she did not have to be a bridesmaid if it was truly what she would not want. I told her she could read or be a bridesmaid--whatever made her happier. She literally looked at me, silently, and walked away. I was so confused! I ended up officially asking her anyway and she smiled when she read the letter. She wasn't jumping up and down hugging me like everyone else but I guess she's happy? Idk! We shall see....
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