unique situation and how should i word invitations

djtracie · November 2013

I am a DJ. I'm marrying a DJ as well. We DJ 6 nights a week, music and karaoke. We come across sooooo many people. And are friends w/way too many, haha. Our reception is being held somewhere we DJ. We have someone filling in for us for the ceremony and dinner part and then we are taking over and DJing ourselves for rest of night. Basically it's going to be a 14 hour party. The ceremony is being held at this place and the dinner is buffet. We can fit 80-100 for dinner. We would like EVERYONE to be able to be there for the 2nd half....where we are djing til 2am...and want everyone to see us for the cake cutting and then have them all just blend in. Stop the cash bar and make it open to the public. We want to have invites though to give out to people so they are aware it's our wedding night and to have them come out. No gift required for the 2nd wave. How would we word invites? It's a unique situation...because everyone thinks they deserve to see us and I've come this close to just eloping. But my fiance' has never been married and would like a regular wedding. And I've already gotten my dress and stuff. Any suggestions? For wording separate invites for the 2nd part?

smalfrie19 · November 2013

djtracie said:

I am a DJ. I'm marrying a DJ as well. We DJ 6 nights a week, music and karaoke. We come across sooooo many people. And are friends w/way too many, haha. Our reception is being held somewhere we DJ. We have someone filling in for us for the ceremony and dinner part and then we are taking over and DJing ourselves for rest of night. Basically it's going to be a 14 hour party. The ceremony is being held at this place and the dinner is buffet. We can fit 80-100 for dinner. We would like EVERYONE to be able to be there for the 2nd half....where we are djing til 2am...and want everyone to see us for the cake cutting and then have them all just blend in. Stop the cash bar and make it open to the public. We want to have invites though to give out to people so they are aware it's our wedding night and to have them come out. No gift required for the 2nd wave. How would we word invites? It's a unique situation...because everyone thinks they deserve to see us and I've come this close to just eloping. But my fiance' has never been married and would like a regular wedding. And I've already gotten my dress and stuff. Any suggestions? For wording separate invites for the 2nd part?

Please...please please lurk....I can already see this ending badly

Viczaesar · November 2013

No, it's not a unique situation at all. It's called a tiered wedding, and it's horrifically rude. You host the same people all night equally or you don't invite anyone at all. If you can only afford to host 80-100 for dinner then that's your guest list. Nobody should be invited for the "2nd half", and by the way, gifts aren't required of any of your guests.

SP29 · November 2013

Agree with the above.

If you want everyone to come out and see you and FH DJ, why not just invite them to one of your usual events?

Blue_Bird · November 2013

Here's my suggestion: Mail invitations to those you can afford to host for the night. If that's 80 people, then that's it. Everyone else will get over it. No cash bar.

And also, here you go:

aurorajanette · November 2013

djtracie said:

I am a DJ. I'm marrying a DJ as well. We DJ 6 nights a week, music and karaoke. We come across sooooo many people. And are friends w/way too many, haha. Our reception is being held somewhere we DJ. We have someone filling in for us for the ceremony and dinner part and then we are taking over and DJing ourselves for rest of night. Basically it's going to be a 14 hour party. This sounds really long for your guests. You may want think about cutting back the time here. People are busy and dedicating 14 hours of their life to your wedding is a ton of time to ask for. The ceremony is being held at this place and the dinner is buffet. We can fit 80-100 for dinner. If you can fit 80-100 people, that's great. They should be the only people invited to the wedding at all. Also, please plan for 100% attendance. There is a big difference between 80 people and 100 people and you don't want to end up in a situation where you invite too many people, they all attend, and you don't have room for them. We would like EVERYONE to be able to be there for the 2nd half....where we are djing til 2am...and want everyone to see us for the cake cutting and then have them all just blend in. As PP said, this is called a tiered wedding. You can't invite some people to the dinner and the rest to the "cake cutting/dancing". It's offensive and feelings will be hurt when people realize that they aren't important enough to you to be invited to dinner. If you can't afford to have many people there, just have a smaller wedding and when people state that they think they should be there, remind them that you're keeping it small. Stop the cash bar and make it open to the public Is this statement saying that you will be having a cash bar? If so, please see sticky thread at the top of the etiquette section. We want to have invites though to give out to people so they are aware it's our wedding night and to have them come out. No gift required for the 2nd wave No gifts are required at all, so don't put anything about gifts on your invitation, wedding website, etc. How would we word invites? It's a unique situation...because everyone thinks they deserve to see us and I've come this close to just eloping. But my fiance' has never been married and would like a regular wedding. And I've already gotten my dress and stuff. Any suggestions? For wording separate invites for the 2nd part?

Comments in green.

[Deleted User] · November 2013

I do not see this ending well.

orwhatuwill · November 2013

Invite everyone:

-skip dinner

-offer heavy hors d'oeuvres & hosted bar

Viczaesar · November 2013

orwhatuwill said:

Invite everyone:
-skip dinner
-offer heavy hors d'oeuvres & hosted bar

Heavy hors d'oeuvres are often, if not usually, more expensive than a full meal, especially if they're taking the place of a buffet or plated dinner, and you still need tables and chairs for every person.

sarals24 · November 2013

Please, please, please don't do this. Your choice of occupation does not make your situation special. And apparently you and your fiance DJ almost every day, so can't all of these friends come see you one of the other nights?

(And honestly, why are you DJing at your own wedding? Don't you want to talk to your guests?)

[Deleted User] · November 2013

Would it be rude to do the whole wedding and reception invitation,hosted, and maybe not DJed by the hosts and then end that event earlier then the 14 hours. THEN have a flier situation for an after party or celebration that wasn't a wedding reception and there wasn't any cake cutting at this point BUT the rest of the 14 hour time block is this fun open bar after party type situation?

I know that having a party after a wedding for the people that weren't invited isn't rude if it's not a wedding reception. Would this be a similar situation just a little sooner then normal?

doeydo · November 2013

-14 hours is ridiculous.
-A cash bar is rude and please read this post: http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/995381/cash-bars-everything-you-need-to-know-in-one-place/p1
-Inviting some people for the whole event and asking others to come later is called a tiered reception. It is rude as it looks gift grabby and says to your guests that some are not as important as the others who got to see the ceremony/eat dinner/whatever. So, if you can "only" invite 80-100 people (including all guests' significant others) then only invite 80-100 people. Or, find a new venue and just do a cake and punch reception (or whatever) and invite "everyone".

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

On hour 14 of my 16+ hour day in a general election cycle I do not have the words for this crazy, tacky rude idea.

ohannabelle · November 2013

"I've come this close to just eloping...." Absolutely and without question the best solution.

missmo14 · November 2013

Here is a suggestion:

Have a midday ceremony and afternoon reception for your invited guests. Thats your wedding. Then later that night you and your new husband can dj together at an after-party.

JustNicki · November 2013

I agree with everything PPs have said about this being a bad idea and a breach of good etiquette.

That being said, FI and I are friends with a couple who are EDM DJs. They actually did something similar to what @missmo14 suggested. They had a conventional ceremony and reception at a banquet hall in the city, and then they had a DJ spinoff at a local club that evening. The event at the club was advertised as a normal club event and not as part of a wedding. All of the wedding guests knew about the event through informal word-of-mouth. The venue was open to the general public as well since it was just another Saturday night performance. The few guests who did decide to go knew they weren't going to be hosted and would have to pay cover and for drinks since it was just a show.

RebeccaB88 · November 2013

If you want to throw a party and dj for your friends, then do that. Another night.

This is your wedding. It's different. Hire your friends to dj for your entire reception (or accept those who volunteer for it), and spend the time at your reception greeting and enjoying the time with your honored, invited guests. If I was your guest, I'd SERIOUSLY side-eye you for working your own party and not focusing your attention on your guests. Not classy. Not polite. You invite them, you spend time with them, all night.

Not to mention, the excitement and business of getting ready for the day is going to make your way more tired and stressed than you can plan for right now. What you think sounds like a great party today could easily end up with you being so exhausted that all you want to do at 10pm is go home and crash. The adrenaline is not always there to keep going. It MIGHT be, but I wouldn't plan on it. Ask on here how many brides had grand plans for bar hopping or something after their reception, and ended up dead asleep instead.

The only way to do what you're proposing, properly, is to invite every single person who might attend to every single thing about the wedding day, period. If 500 people want to come when you dj, then you must invite every single one of them (and their spouse/SO) to the ceremony and reception, and you must feed and provide beverages, everything to everyone equally (no cash bar). And if people wander in off the street, then you must host them equally as well. If you want to have an after party (at a separate location, same is just too confusing) then I think you can, but you should include invited guests who want to attend, and don't send invitations. Just spread the word you'll both be dj-ing at this location at this time after the reception if they want to stop by. And then be prepared with substitutes if you just don't feel like doing it after all.

crunchymamaof2 · November 2013

You need to start over. Just erase any plans you have so far and start new. Figure out your budget and/or guest list. If you want to invite all 500 people you know you need to host them all properly. Skip a meal, have the ceremony at 8pm and just serve cake and light snacks. No cash bar, regardless of the type of reception you choose. If you want a meal and the venue you've already chosen can only hold up to 100 people then that's how many you invite.

The after party idea is a good one. Don't DJ your own wedding. Its one thing to go up and spin a few tracks but don't be up there the entire night. And do not invite people to half your wedding. And even if you did choose to elope you can still wear your dress "and stuff."

And before someone says "nobody answered the damn question and just attacked!!!!!" here's how you'd word such an invite

"DJtracie and DJTim are getting married!

But they know too many people and you don't make the cut :-(

So join them after the ceremony and food and come listen to them work their own wedding!

No gifts (but that really means I was expecting gifts in the first place so plan accordingly)

Saturday 4pm - 2am

But remember, you can only come after 10pm. See you there!"

See how rude that sounds? That is what you're essentially saying to those guests, even though I'm sure its not your intentions. I was planning a lot of rude things at my wedding before finding these boards but thankfully after some (sometimes harsh) advice I changed my plans and had a wonderful wedding. Listen to these ladies!

climbingsingle · November 2013

Oh vey. If I had a dollar for every time I've read "unique situation" on this forum, I could retire.

This is not a unique situation. With all the friends FI and I have, I could easily invite 300 people. We can't afford to host that many, so we're not. We're inviting 100 people and serving them food and alcohol for our entire event, which is only 5 hours. We're hosting an afterparty too - and again providing snacks and alcohol.

What you're thinking about doing is a tiered reception. It's incredibly rude. Cash bars are also rude. Host what you can afford or have a dry wedding. Expecting people to hang out for 14 hours in insane.

AroundTheBlock · November 2013

djtracie said:

I am a DJ. I'm marrying a DJ as well. We DJ 6 nights a week, music and karaoke. We come across sooooo many people. And are friends w/way too many, haha. Our reception is being held somewhere we DJ. We have someone filling in for us for the ceremony and dinner part and then we are taking over and DJing ourselves for rest of night. Basically it's going to be a 14 hour party. The ceremony is being held at this place and the dinner is buffet. We can fit 80-100 for dinner. We would like EVERYONE to be able to be there for the 2nd half....where we are djing til 2am...and want everyone to see us for the cake cutting and then have them all just blend in. Stop the cash bar and make it open to the public. We want to have invites though to give out to people so they are aware it's our wedding night and to have them come out. No gift required for the 2nd wave. How would we word invites? It's a unique situation...because everyone thinks they deserve to see us and I've come this close to just eloping. But my fiance' has never been married and would like a regular wedding. And I've already gotten my dress and stuff. Any suggestions? For wording separate invites for the 2nd part?

What a unique and fun idea!

For the second half of your evening, it is not an "invitation" that you will want to send out because you really are not inviting people as your guests at that point. What you are sending out will be "announcements" -- essentially advertising about the special event that will be going on at the dance-hall that night. I imagine that the hall has special-event nights like Valentine's day and advertises them with posters or flyers. Your best choice might well be to do a flyer in the same style, but where the regular poster says "Valentine's Day Dance" (or whatever) yours would say "Dance to celebrate the wedding of our DJs, Tracy and Kevin!
No Cover! Free wedding cake!" Mentioning the things that are "free" conveys the message that other things -- like drinks and bar food -- are not free so that your friends will be prepared for a cash bar.

On your actual invitation, where it usually says "at three o'clock" you might want to say "From three o'clock until six o'clock" and mention that "The dance hall will open to the public at six o'clock and guests are welcome to stay for the public dancing".

KickAssMOH · November 2013

I am trying to envision what thought process might've lead you to this plan. I imagine that you and your FI were looking forward to using your wedding as an excuse to do what it is that you both love, and have all of your loved ones watch and cheer you on at various hours throughout the day, at whichever hours were convenient for them. (like, your gandma is going to leave at 9pm, and your casual acquaintencec might not show up until 11pm...right?) I agree with PP that you should have a wedding seperate from this event and host only the amount that you can afford.

Your question was in regards to your invitations though. Maybe you could give out normal wedding invitations for your ceremony and meal, and then hand out fliers for the bar and the late night portion? This is an afterparty, not a wedding. I guess it's doable, if that's what you really want. Don't mention gifts on anything. Don't call your afterparty a wedding.

cidefi · November 2013

missmo14 said:
Here is a suggestion:

Have a midday ceremony and afternoon reception for your invited guests. Thats your wedding. Then later that night you and your new husband can dj together at an after-party.

This is a great idea.

cidefi · November 2013

JustNicki said:
I agree with everything PPs have said about this being a bad idea and a breach of good etiquette.

That being said, FI and I are friends with a couple who are EDM DJs. They actually did something similar to what @missmo14 suggested. They had a conventional ceremony and reception at a banquet hall in the city, and then they had a DJ spinoff at a local club that evening. The event at the club was advertised as a normal club event and not as part of a wedding. All of the wedding guests knew about the event through informal word-of-mouth. The venue was open to the general public as well since it was just another Saturday night performance. The few guests who did decide to go knew they weren't going to be hosted and would have to pay cover and for drinks since it was just a show.

Somebody made a suggestion. Here's how to make it work. Bam...done!! And the etiquette gods will be happy...yay

phira · November 2013

I've worked a couple of 12 hour days and could NOT imagine enjoying myself at a 14+ hour wedding.

PrettyGirlLost · November 2013

phira said:

I've worked a couple of 12 hour days and could NOT imagine enjoying myself at a 14+ hour wedding.

As a guest or as the bride and groom?

Just because the OP is planning on "hosting" a 14 hour event doesn't mean her guests have to stay the entire time. I imagine most people would leave fairly early on, especially if the bride and groom are having a tiered reception with a cash bar, and don't make an effort to socialize with their guests at all.

phira · November 2013

PrettyGirlLost said:

phira said:

I've worked a couple of 12 hour days and could NOT imagine enjoying myself at a 14+ hour wedding.

As a guest or as the bride and groom?

Just because the OP is planning on "hosting" a 14 hour event doesn't mean her guests have to stay the entire time. I imagine most people would leave fairly early on, especially if the bride and groom are having a tiered reception with a cash bar, and don't make an effort to socialize with their guests at all.

Fair question. Either one.

My partner has anxiety and hates leaving any event early. He feels VERY rude if he doesn't stay till the end of an event. When he had the FLU and we went to a wedding reception, I kept saying, "Do you want to leave now? Now? Are you sure you want to stay?" But nope, we stayed till the end because he'd rather be half-asleep and half-dead at the table than leave a minute before the end of the event. So we'd, I'm sure, be there for 14 hours.

And yes, I tried to make him stay in the hotel and not show up at a wedding while he was so sick.

PrettyGirlLost · November 2013

phira said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

phira said:

I've worked a couple of 12 hour days and could NOT imagine enjoying myself at a 14+ hour wedding.

As a guest or as the bride and groom?

Just because the OP is planning on "hosting" a 14 hour event doesn't mean her guests have to stay the entire time. I imagine most people would leave fairly early on, especially if the bride and groom are having a tiered reception with a cash bar, and don't make an effort to socialize with their guests at all.

Fair question. Either one.

My partner has anxiety and hates leaving any event early. He feels VERY rude if he doesn't stay till the end of an event. When he had the FLU and we went to a wedding reception, I kept saying, "Do you want to leave now? Now? Are you sure you want to stay?" But nope, we stayed till the end because he'd rather be half-asleep and half-dead at the table than leave a minute before the end of the event. So we'd, I'm sure, be there for 14 hours.

And yes, I tried to make him stay in the hotel and not show up at a wedding while he was so sick.

Aw, poor guy!!!!

phira · November 2013

@PrettyGirlLost Yeah, he was so sick! Fortunately, I got my flu shot in time and am safe (ish) ...

grumbledore · November 2013

djtracie said:
I am a DJ. I'm marrying a DJ as well. We DJ 6 nights a week, music and karaoke. We come across sooooo many people. And are friends w/way too many, haha. Our reception is being held somewhere we DJ. We have someone filling in for us for the ceremony and dinner part and then we are taking over and DJing ourselves for rest of night. Basically it's going to be a 14 hour party. The ceremony is being held at this place and the dinner is buffet. We can fit 80-100 for dinner. We would like EVERYONE to be able to be there for the 2nd half....where we are djing til 2am...and want everyone to see us for the cake cutting and then have them all just blend in. Stop the cash bar and make it open to the public. We want to have invites though to give out to people so they are aware it's our wedding night and to have them come out. No gift required for the 2nd wave. How would we word invites? It's a unique situation...because everyone thinks they deserve to see us and I've come this close to just eloping. But my fiance' has never been married and would like a regular wedding. And I've already gotten my dress and stuff. Any suggestions? For wording separate invites for the 2nd part?

My head just exploded.