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Food and Cakes

Alcohol and families

Alcohol will be our biggest hurdle no doubt. Growing up I didn't know dry weddings even existed until one unfortunate wedding I attended in college. I come from a Big Catholic family, all stereotypes included. If we have alcohol it will be an open bar. It's in our budget and our favorite kind of wedding to attend. Here's the wrench. His parents think we don't drink. (He would not have lived to the day I met him if his parents knew). All the posts say this is your wedding do what you want. But I also don't want to start a marriage with a kiss of death from his parents.

Re: Alcohol and families

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Are you paying for this wedding?  If so, you have the final say in what is served.

    I will say that your FI should speak with his parents and let them know that you are planning on having alcohol at your wedding just so that they aren't thrown off guard when the day comes.  If they decide to not attend because there will be an open bar then that decision is on them.

  • sporejl said:

    Alcohol will be our biggest hurdle no doubt. Growing up I didn't know dry weddings even existed until one unfortunate wedding I attended in college. I come from a Big Catholic family, all stereotypes included. If we have alcohol it will be an open bar. It's in our budget and our favorite kind of wedding to attend. Here's the wrench. His parents think we don't drink. (He would not have lived to the day I met him if his parents knew). All the posts say this is your wedding do what you want. But I also don't want to start a marriage with a kiss of death from his parents.

    Errrmmm. Is your FI of legal drinking age? Then he can be a big boy, make his adult choice, and cut the apron strings with mommy and daddy.

    If FI is too afraid to drink in front of mommy and daddy, he doesn't have to. This doesn't mean that you and the rest of your guests can't enjoy yourselves and the open bar.
    doeydoAprilH81
  • Is your FI and adult and older than 21? If so, he needs to let his parents know there will be an open bar at the wedding. Unless they are contributing to the reception, they get zero say in it. If they are contributing, let them pay for stuff not reception related so that they have no say in reception festivities (e.g. altar flowers, programs, marriage license, ceremony decor....)

    They can either attend and judge or boycott and miss it. Their choice. Either way, your FI needs to lose the guilt. He'll be a hell of a lot happier. Sounds like his parents are the miserable ones..
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    doeydo
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    If your FI is a full-fledged adult (over 21), then he has the responsibility to tell his parents that there will be an open bar at your reception at which alcohol will be served.  If they are not contributing, they do not get a say.  If they choose to boycott, it is a sad reflection on them, and sad for him, but he will in no way be at fault because there is alcohol there.  You will not be at fault either.  If they do come, they have to keep their judgments on the matter to themselves.
    doeydo
  • JoanE2012JoanE2012 Exit 21 (Jersey!) member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    sporejl said:
    Alcohol will be our biggest hurdle no doubt. Growing up I didn't know dry weddings even existed until one unfortunate wedding I attended in college. I come from a Big Catholic family, all stereotypes included. If we have alcohol it will be an open bar. It's in our budget and our favorite kind of wedding to attend. Here's the wrench. His parents think we don't drink. (He would not have lived to the day I met him if his parents knew). All the posts say this is your wedding do what you want. But I also don't want to start a marriage with a kiss of death from his parents.
    Can you elaborate?  I don't see what the big deal is.  Drinking alcohol is not illegal as long as your are of legal age.

    That said, if you wish to carry on this alternative life of lies, have the open bar but just don't drink at your wedding.  
  • It is very important for  your FI to tell them NOW.  We always have alcohol at weddings.  Your FI's family always does and you guys drink.  You have it in your budget, so you are obviously trying to figure out how to make this work.

    The WORST possible thing you could do is not tell them and just have it.  The second worse thing you could do is tell  them right before the wedding.

    They don't drink.  They obviously don't approve of alcohol and aren't going to take it well when your FI tells them you guys (specifically, he) drinks.  This news needs to be revealed to them ASAP so they can have their hissy fits, be mad, and then get over it.

    I am guessing this is a faith based thing?  Or, is it based on alcohol abuse in the family?  I am a Christian and enjoy my margaritas, but never to excess.  I know faith based people who think alcohol is of the devil.  I am entitled to my viewpoint and they are entitled to theirs.  If it is faith-based, it will be very emotional and will come as a pretty big blow to their beliefs.

    They will need time to process this, be mad about it, and then, hopefully, move on.

    My first question when this comes is this:  do your FIL's eat at places like Applebees, Olive Garden, Carraba's, or any other restaurant that serves alcohol?  If so, they are capable of sitting in a room where someone else is drinking and having a nice dinner.  You would be asking nothing else of them in attending your wedding.

    Your FI needs to tell them now so they can start to process it and hopefully deal with it.  Good luck!
    grumbledorejaprincess24
  • @kmmssg is so right! You can't keep lying to your fiance's parents. I would approach them with your desires to have alcohol at the wedding because it is what your family wants. Emphasize that there won't be any pressure on anyone to drink. Make sure to provide cider for any toasts you may do. And good luck with that conversation.

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    japrincess24
  • Why do they think you don't drink? Because you've told them that (and, from what you've said, lied) or because you actually don't?

    Bottom line: do you want alcohol at your wedding? Do you want to take care of your guests? Then have alcohol.

  • My parents also don't drink and are pretty judgy about it. They think that any amount of drinking constitutes a drinking problem and have made their share of snide comments to me and my siblings when we are drinking beer or wine at an event. (It is a religious thing for them, as well as a grandfather who was an alcoholic). But they had the sense to keep their views to themselves during our wedding reception. I think not wanting to cause a scene and be embarrassing in front of the future in-laws overruled their dislike of alcohol. 

    So I would bring it up ahead of time with his parents...not in a defensive or argumentative or in-your-face way, but in a nonchalant way in the context of something else (like if they ask about the menu, tell them what food AND drinks you are serving.)  Try to treat it as not a big deal. Unless they are VERY isolated, they surely know that people often drink at weddings. 
    japrincess24
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    sporejl said:
    . But I also don't want to start a marriage with a kiss of death from his parents.
    But you don't mind deceiving them? Hmmm. 

    What are you going to do, just pretend forever that you don't drink if you do? Are they cool with sex? Or will you pretend you don't have that, either?  



    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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