Church Issues, Catholic Guilt :p

cwbbtbb13

Hello all!  Here is some background info that has to do with my current wedding issue. I am Catholic and I absolutely want to get married in a church- because as we know, it can be difficult to get permission to marry outside of a church, and have it recognized by the church at the same time.  My fiance (also Catholic) and I do not regularly attend a particular church, and we wanted to find one to grow into, and to get married at:)  I originally wanted to get married at our city cathedral, but it was WAY expensive!!!- big surprise lol. So i started hunting for a bargain church- yes, this is where the catholic guilt starts to kick in. I feel horrible that I am putting money in the way of finding a church that I may even have an even better connection with, even if it's more expensive.  Anyway, I decided to attend the bargain church's service yesterday, and I liked it!  However, you will read below that things are starting sour my dream, and I don't want to be horribly rude. 

The dillema: I am planning on getting married in Dec. 2014- I asked about two dates- the 13th and the 20th.  I  told the coordinator through email that I would join the church- which makes it cheaper-GUILT!.  I also asked the coordinator when decorations would be up--she said XMAS EVE?!! I am probably just flipping out out over nothing, but it's the guilt .  I do not want to get married THAT close to Christmas (  I had this beautiful picture in my head of a candle lit service with all of the beautiful decorations surrounding us. Then I found out that they don't even do evening weddings. NOO! maybe i just needed somewhere to vent- I have tons of time for a new local. Basically, this church is not jelling with my wedding vision- but  I do not want to be horribly rude and not join-I have not officially filled out the online info for joining so I guess it's not that bad, but STIILL I feel awful!!! 

Riss91

Most Catholic churches will not decorate before the 24th as that is when the celebration begins. However, the decorations will likely stay up AFTER Christmas, so if you really were hoping for Christmas decor, maybe consider getting married then. If you are looking for an evening wedding, your best bet is a Friday. It will be difficult (though not impossible) to find a Church that doesn't have Saturday vigil services.

All of that aside... these are actually not the most important details. You should direct your energy into finding a church you feel comfortable in and begin to grow in your faith in order to prepare for marriage. The wedding is one day, and those details will not matter in the long run. Consider what is important for years to come and focus on that.

lalaith50

What Riss said.

Catholics actually don't celebrate Christmas til... ::shocked::: CHRISTMAS!!!! (There's this thing called Advent...)

You should spend some time thinking about what you believe and your priorities and *why* you want to get married in a Catholic Church (where you will do things like promise to raise your kids Catholic, which is kind of hard to do if you don't attend church yourself, etc...)

If you want a Saturday evening wedding with full Christmas decorations *before* Christmas... well, basically you aren't going to find a Catholic church that "jells" with your vision.

agapecarrie

Although there is no canonical restriction on weddings during advent (which is all of December), many churches discourage it, and some churches (possibly the diocese) might not have them then. Advent is considered somewhat of a penitential season.

professorscience

If you were getting married in any other venue, the responsibility would be on you to provide decorations.  If your heart is set on Christmas-looking decor, then you can either provide it yourself, or take Riss's suggestion of getting married after Christmas.  Another option would be to save the Christmas-y decor for your reception.

You said at the beginning of your post that you want to get married in a church that you and your FI can consider your own and grow in.  THAT should be your first thought when considering your marriage.  At the end of the day, no one will remember the decor.  Even in your pictures, you're likely to only see the altar in any pictures that are not very tight on you.  I don't even remember the floral arrangements that were at the altar -- I never saw a preview and I certainly wasn't paying attention the day of the wedding.  I even made a mental note to look at them the next day at mass, since we donated them, but I forgot. 

Also, because of Saturday masses, most churches either can't do evening weddings or they don't start until 7:00 or 7:30.  If you get married in December, that means the sun will be setting very early, which means no outdoor pictures unless you all get ready super-early and do pictures beforehand.  This was what settled a 2:00 time for my husband and me.  We wanted to enjoy daylight, sunset, and evening for our wedding/reception.

agapecarrie

Most churches won't allow you to bring in Christmas decorations during advent. The advent season still remains even for weddings.

professorscience

agapecarrie said:

Most churches won't allow you to bring in Christmas decorations during advent. The advent season still remains even for weddings.

I wasn't exactly suggesting that. In my mind I'm seeing red and green floral arrangements.

jesswill86

A few people have already mentioned choosing a church based on it being the parish you want to join rather than allowing aesthetics to guide your decision. Very good point. We have a church in my hometown which is prettier, but I would not dream of getting married anywhere but my home parish. Choose the one which feels more like home. As far as decorations go: my parish tends to place holiday themed arrangements in the sanctuary the first week of Advent. They will put up poinsettia plants around the perimeter of the altar, for instance. We can't really use "decorations" in the church, of course, but are able to use ribbons in colors of our choice designating reserved pews for close family. Check on stuff like that if you really want to personalize the ceremony a bit more. With all of that, someone suggested focusing on the sacrament more than how the building looks. This is great advice. The decor can certainly be a focus of the reception.

HisGirlFriday13

I agree with PPs. If you have a vision in your head of what you want, it should start -- like you said -- with a church where you and your FI can feel comfortable, and grow as a couple. 

If you want red and green and Christmas-y decor, you are going to have to wait until after Advent, although you can probably get away with poinsettias as decor (since they're seasonal and not necessarily Christmas-y). You could also, if you want a "candle-lit, evening ceremony" get married on a Sunday evening, after the Sunday morning Mass, although again -- there may be diocesan restrictions on that.

I got married one month ago today, and I can tell you I did not on my wedding day and do not now remember what the altar flowers looked like. Not a clue. I'd have to go back and look at our photos, because in the moment of the Mass, the flowers were the LAST thing on my mind. 

DH and I did not get married in the parish where we live and where we attend and where I teach religious ed. We got married in a parish near my hometown, for a variety of reasons (wanted to get married in my hometown, had our wedding on a Sunday, the priest of my home parish wouldn't allow it). But we did get married in the church where my father was baptized, so I really loved that. 

But you should focus on finding the church you want to live in and grow with spiritually first -- the rest will follow