Pinterest is to blame...

Rebl90 · November 2013

...for the making of Bridesmaid Slaves. Okay, maybe it's just perpetuating the trend, but still, I found this today:

southernbelle0915 · November 2013

The answer to all of these questions (except the first one) should be no. Especially to the last one...

MairePoppy · November 2013

How about

Will you buy and wear cowboy boots to go with my rustic, country, burlaped theme?

Will you do a choreographed dance routine to surprise my groom?

Bubblegum5586 · November 2013

Wow! Even if you had a friend that wanted to do all that... that would seem overwhelming to have them there for every second when its about you and future hubby!

oliviaester1991 · December 2013

You are taking this too literal. My sister received something very similar to this when she was asked to be MOH to her best friend and I thought it was adorable! Obviously the bride doesn't plan on making her party a bunch of slaves, at least I don't, and haven't. But most of these are things the bridal party is there for. I mean as far as the planning, cake tasting, decorating, envelope sealing, and guest listing, my fiancé and I have all of that covered. But when it comes to dress shopping and girly things that I cant really expect him to want to be involved with is when I turn to my bridal party and they are there to help me whenever I need it. I guess I don't ask very much of them and have been an extremely accommodating bride to them but they are there for me when I need it and never ask questions or get frustrated when I need help bouncing ideas.

NYCBruin · December 2013

oliviaester1991 said:

You are taking this too literal. My sister received something very similar to this when she was asked to be MOH to her best friend and I thought it was adorable! Obviously the bride doesn't plan on making her party a bunch of slaves, at least I don't, and haven't. But most of these are things the bridal party is there for. I mean as far as the planning, cake tasting, decorating, envelope sealing, and guest listing, my fiancé and I have all of that covered. But when it comes to dress shopping and girly things that I cant really expect him to want to be involved with is when I turn to my bridal party and they are there to help me whenever I need it. I guess I don't ask very much of them and have been an extremely accommodating bride to them but they are there for me when I need it and never ask questions or get frustrated when I need help bouncing ideas.

What do you exactly expect your bridal party to do?

They aren't your therapist or your worker bees.

You do realize making ANY demands/requests of your bridal party makes you anything but "accommodating."

clarke10 · December 2013

oliviaester1991 said:

You are taking this too literal. My sister received something very similar to this when she was asked to be MOH to her best friend and I thought it was adorable! Obviously the bride doesn't plan on making her party a bunch of slaves, at least I don't, and haven't. But most of these are things the bridal party is there for. I mean as far as the planning, cake tasting, decorating, envelope sealing, and guest listing, my fiancé and I have all of that covered. But when it comes to dress shopping and girly things that I cant really expect him to want to be involved with is when I turn to my bridal party and they are there to help me whenever I need it. I guess I don't ask very much of them and have been an extremely accommodating bride to them but they are there for me when I need it and never ask questions or get frustrated when I need help bouncing ideas.

With the exception of dress shopping, I expect FH to want to be involved in the planning. What other "girly" things shouldn't he want to do?

climbingsingle · December 2013

clarke10 said:

oliviaester1991 said:

You are taking this too literal. My sister received something very similar to this when she was asked to be MOH to her best friend and I thought it was adorable! Obviously the bride doesn't plan on making her party a bunch of slaves, at least I don't, and haven't. But most of these are things the bridal party is there for. I mean as far as the planning, cake tasting, decorating, envelope sealing, and guest listing, my fiancé and I have all of that covered. But when it comes to dress shopping and girly things that I cant really expect him to want to be involved with is when I turn to my bridal party and they are there to help me whenever I need it. I guess I don't ask very much of them and have been an extremely accommodating bride to them but they are there for me when I need it and never ask questions or get frustrated when I need help bouncing ideas.

With the exception of dress shopping, I expect FH to want to be involved in the planning. What other "girly" things shouldn't he want to do?

Really. Dress shopping is the only thing FI won't be joining me on.

I'm making my own centerpieces. Guess who's helping - my FI! Who is stuffing envelopes? Me and my FI!

HaileyDancingbear · December 2013

I think that original post is excessive, but the people constantly saying that to ask anything of your bridesmaids is wrong are being a bit ridiculous. Yeah, they're not your slaves, but if you're having a little trouble with something and need some help, I see no issue whatsoever in asking your bridesmaids for backup, as long as you let "no" be an answer. For instance if you're addressing invites and you're having a hard time getting it all done in time, I see no issue in calling up a few bridesmaids and asking if they wouldn't mind helping you out a bit. If you're frustrated or confused or need someone to bounce ideas off of, I'm sure at least one bridesmaid wouldn't mind listening to you.

You people act like asking favors or trying to confide in these people makes you a slave driver or them your therapist, and that's ridiculous. At least a few of your bridesmaids are your friends, and there's nothing wrong with asking a friend to help you out or hear you out every once in a while. What, do these people just suddenly stop being your friends and you lose the ability to treat them as your friends when they're your bridesmaids? I get that it's not ok to simply DEMAND things from your bridesmaids, but it's not the end of the friggin world if you ask them for a favor, especially since you're giving them the option to say no if they don't want to.

All I know is that I'm asking my friends to be my bridesmaids. They've always had my back, they're there for me when I need someone to talk to, and when I have too much on my plate they're happy to help out in any way they can, even if that just means listening to me rant. I don't expect that to change just because they're bridesmaids, and I sure as hell am not going to let anyone tell me I'm being too "Demanding" just because I ask a friend to do a favor for me or listen to me every once in a while.

NYCBruin · December 2013

HaileyDancingbear said:

I think that original post is excessive, but the people constantly saying that to ask anything of your bridesmaids is wrong are being a bit ridiculous. Yeah, they're not your slaves, but if you're having a little trouble with something and need some help, I see no issue whatsoever in asking your bridesmaids for backup, as long as you let "no" be an answer. For instance if you're addressing invites and you're having a hard time getting it all done in time, I see no issue in calling up a few bridesmaids and asking if they wouldn't mind helping you out a bit. If you're frustrated or confused or need someone to bounce ideas off of, I'm sure at least one bridesmaid wouldn't mind listening to you.
You people act like asking favors or trying to confide in these people makes you a slave driver or them your therapist, and that's ridiculous. At least a few of your bridesmaids are your friends, and there's nothing wrong with asking a friend to help you out or hear you out every once in a while. What, do these people just suddenly stop being your friends and you lose the ability to treat them as your friends when they're your bridesmaids? I get that it's not ok to simply DEMAND things from your bridesmaids, but it's not the end of the friggin world if you ask them for a favor, especially since you're giving them the option to say no if they don't want to.
All I know is that I'm asking my friends to be my bridesmaids. They've always had my back, they're there for me when I need someone to talk to, and when I have too much on my plate they're happy to help out in any way they can, even if that just means listening to me rant. I don't expect that to change just because they're bridesmaids, and I sure as hell am not going to let anyone tell me I'm being too "Demanding" just because I ask a friend to do a favor for me or listen to me every once in a while.

There's nothing wrong with asking a friend for a favor, but phrasing it in a way such as "since you're my bridesmaid, can you do x, y, or z" turns it into a task/duty/job that you're giving someone, which isn't appropriate. It also makes it something that the friend now has a harder time turning down, because you've made it seem like they "owe" it to you to do that thing because they are a bridesmaid.

If you'd ask the favor of someone regardless of their status in your bridal party, it's probably fine to ask it. Just leave the "bridesmaid" part out of the request.

Rebl90 · December 2013

oliviaester1991 said:

You are taking this too literal. Actually, I'm not. My sister received something very similar to this when she was asked to be MOH to her best friend and I thought it was adorable! Then kudos to you and your sister, but I would be very offended if one of my friends handed me a list of my "responsibilities", spend some more time on these boards and you will realize that you are among the minority in having this frame of mind. Obviously the bride doesn't plan on making her party a bunch of slaves, have you read some of the posts on this forum? Many brides don't see anything wrong with asking a great deal of their BM's and MOH's. at least I don't, and haven't. But most of these are things the bridal party is there for. I mean as far as the planning, cake tasting, decorating, envelope sealing, and guest listing, my fiancé and I have all of that covered. I should hope so! But when it comes to dress shopping and girly things that I cant really expect him to want to be involved with is when I turn to my bridal party and they are there to help me whenever I need it. I understand dress shopping, 100% agree that FI doesn't need to go, but I took only my mother because I personally did not enjoy spending 3 hours of my life when a friend asked me and her other 8 BMs to watch her try on gowns and walk away empty-handed at the end. And what else is "girly"? My FI is handling the wedding planning like a boss, while sometimes he can be a little lost, all I have to do is explain something and he jumps in with both feet, because it's his wedding too! I guess I don't ask very much of them (I'd love to know what they think of this statement) and have been an extremely accommodating bride to them but (what?? no buts!) they are there for me when I need it and never ask questions or get frustrated when I need help bouncing ideas. Why is this their responsibility? This is not their wedding, it is yours and your FI's.

Good gravy! I told y'all that pinterest was to blame....

oliviaester1991 · December 2013

specifically the girly things im referring to are related to hair and makeup for myself and my bridesmaids that day, I don't want him to know anything about mine, and I honestly don't think he cares about theirs. I also don't think he wants to go dress shopping with me and the bridesmaids. I showed him the dress we picked out and he said it looked great, and I think that is all he really needed to have a say in as far as that went. Anything else he is helping me with 100%, for some reason everyone took my comment to mean that my fiancé isn't doing anything? And I would love if you had the opportunity to ask my girls about how accommodating I have been to them and how little I ask them to do because they will tell you exactly what I said. And you really don't think you should ask your bridesmaids for help at all about ideas you have? Obviously this is my wedding and not theirs but I did ask them to be a part of a very important and stressful event in my life and I don't think it is too much to ask for ideas on things like escort cards and invitations. that is what they are there for. I understand they are not there to do all my dirty work or shop with me for hours but they should be there to help with small things. Also, I am taking care of them. Every single time we had to go dress shopping I bought everyone lunch. Any time I ask one of them to come over and help me out or talk about ideas I make sure I go out of my way to provide meals and drinks. I'm not doing all of that because of my wedding though, I do that because I am their friend and I will never lose sight of that, regardless of whether I'm about to get married or not.

oliviaester1991 · December 2013

HaileyDancingbear said:

I think that original post is excessive, but the people constantly saying that to ask anything of your bridesmaids is wrong are being a bit ridiculous. Yeah, they're not your slaves, but if you're having a little trouble with something and need some help, I see no issue whatsoever in asking your bridesmaids for backup, as long as you let "no" be an answer. For instance if you're addressing invites and you're having a hard time getting it all done in time, I see no issue in calling up a few bridesmaids and asking if they wouldn't mind helping you out a bit. If you're frustrated or confused or need someone to bounce ideas off of, I'm sure at least one bridesmaid wouldn't mind listening to you.
You people act like asking favors or trying to confide in these people makes you a slave driver or them your therapist, and that's ridiculous. At least a few of your bridesmaids are your friends, and there's nothing wrong with asking a friend to help you out or hear you out every once in a while. What, do these people just suddenly stop being your friends and you lose the ability to treat them as your friends when they're your bridesmaids? I get that it's not ok to simply DEMAND things from your bridesmaids, but it's not the end of the friggin world if you ask them for a favor, especially since you're giving them the option to say no if they don't want to.
All I know is that I'm asking my friends to be my bridesmaids. They've always had my back, they're there for me when I need someone to talk to, and when I have too much on my plate they're happy to help out in any way they can, even if that just means listening to me rant. I don't expect that to change just because they're bridesmaids, and I sure as hell am not going to let anyone tell me I'm being too "Demanding" just because I ask a friend to do a favor for me or listen to me every once in a while.

I agree with everything you said! Most of the women on this site think everyone is the same and no one is as perfect as they are and everyone does everything wrong because they see things differently! I ask my bridesmaids to do really small tasks with me or to help me come up with creative things and they have no problem, I have been a bridesmaid in a wedding with a bridezilla who acted like a slave driver and by the time the wedding came around everyone hated her and I knew I didn't want it to be like that so I make sure I treat my girls with respect and don't ask for ridiculous things.

Rebl90 · December 2013

oliviaester1991 said:

specifically the girly things im referring to are related to hair and makeup for myself and my bridesmaids that day, I don't want him to know anything about mine, and I honestly don't think he cares about theirs. I also don't think he wants to go dress shopping with me and the bridesmaids. I showed him the dress we picked out and he said it looked great, and I think that is all he really needed to have a say in as far as that went. Anything else he is helping me with 100%, for some reason everyone took my comment to mean that my fiancé isn't doing anything? And I would love if you had the opportunity to ask my girls about how accommodating I have been to them and how little I ask them to do because they will tell you exactly what I said. And you really don't think you should ask your bridesmaids for help at all about ideas you have? Obviously this is my wedding and not theirs but I did ask them to be a part of a very important and stressful event in my life and I don't think it is too much to ask for ideas on things like escort cards and invitations. that is what they are there for. I understand they are not there to do all my dirty work or shop with me for hours but they should be there to help with small things. Also, I am taking care of them. Every single time we had to go dress shopping I bought everyone lunch. Any time I ask one of them to come over and help me out or talk about ideas I make sure I go out of my way to provide meals and drinks. I'm not doing all of that because of my wedding though, I do that because I am their friend and I will never lose sight of that, regardless of whether I'm about to get married or not.

1. Sooooo one other thing? (Dress shopping is obvious, I already gave you that one, might want to thoroughly read the responses in the future)

2. No, I don't.

3. If your wedding is stressful then you should probably take a step back and reevaluate some things, weddings are about joy, not stress (In fact, I am having the time of my life planning a wedding with my FI, it is far from stressful, and that's about attitude, not budget)

4. Why do they need to go dress shopping with you multiple times? My BM's all looked online and a few went into the store ONCE at their own convenience. Buying them lunch is appropriate, not accommodating.

oliviaester1991 · December 2013

Rebl90 said:

oliviaester1991 said:

specifically the girly things im referring to are related to hair and makeup for myself and my bridesmaids that day, I don't want him to know anything about mine, and I honestly don't think he cares about theirs. I also don't think he wants to go dress shopping with me and the bridesmaids. I showed him the dress we picked out and he said it looked great, and I think that is all he really needed to have a say in as far as that went. Anything else he is helping me with 100%, for some reason everyone took my comment to mean that my fiancé isn't doing anything? And I would love if you had the opportunity to ask my girls about how accommodating I have been to them and how little I ask them to do because they will tell you exactly what I said. And you really don't think you should ask your bridesmaids for help at all about ideas you have? Obviously this is my wedding and not theirs but I did ask them to be a part of a very important and stressful event in my life and I don't think it is too much to ask for ideas on things like escort cards and invitations. that is what they are there for. I understand they are not there to do all my dirty work or shop with me for hours but they should be there to help with small things. Also, I am taking care of them. Every single time we had to go dress shopping I bought everyone lunch. Any time I ask one of them to come over and help me out or talk about ideas I make sure I go out of my way to provide meals and drinks. I'm not doing all of that because of my wedding though, I do that because I am their friend and I will never lose sight of that, regardless of whether I'm about to get married or not.

1. Sooooo one other thing? (Dress shopping is obvious, I already gave you that one, might want to thoroughly read the responses in the future)
2. No, I don't.
3. If your wedding is stressful then you should probably take a step back and reevaluate some things, weddings are about joy, not stress (In fact, I am having the time of my life planning a wedding with my FI, it is far from stressful, and that's about attitude, not budget)
4. Why do they need to go dress shopping with you multiple times? My BM's all looked online and a few went into the store ONCE at their own convenience. Buying them lunch is appropriate, not accommodating.

So what are your bridesmaids for? Literally just to walk down the aisle with you? Mine want to be involved and help out when they can. And my wedding is stressful because of money, we are paying for it ourselves (like plenty of people do!) and sometimes it takes a toll on us even though we aren't spending any more than we can afford. And we had to go to the dress store twice because they didn't have the correct dress the first time and had to order it for one of my girls to try on, we went together as a group and bonded and had a great time, there were no complaints. But you are right, looking online all by yourself would be way better. And I did not have to buy them lunch, I did it out of kindness. But you are probably more experienced at being a bride to be than I am so you are probably right about everything and I should just shut up because I will always be wrong in your eyes, right?

NYCBruin · December 2013

oliviaester1991 said:

Rebl90 said:

oliviaester1991 said:

specifically the girly things im referring to are related to hair and makeup for myself and my bridesmaids that day, I don't want him to know anything about mine, and I honestly don't think he cares about theirs. I also don't think he wants to go dress shopping with me and the bridesmaids. I showed him the dress we picked out and he said it looked great, and I think that is all he really needed to have a say in as far as that went. Anything else he is helping me with 100%, for some reason everyone took my comment to mean that my fiancé isn't doing anything? And I would love if you had the opportunity to ask my girls about how accommodating I have been to them and how little I ask them to do because they will tell you exactly what I said. And you really don't think you should ask your bridesmaids for help at all about ideas you have? Obviously this is my wedding and not theirs but I did ask them to be a part of a very important and stressful event in my life and I don't think it is too much to ask for ideas on things like escort cards and invitations. that is what they are there for. I understand they are not there to do all my dirty work or shop with me for hours but they should be there to help with small things. Also, I am taking care of them. Every single time we had to go dress shopping I bought everyone lunch. Any time I ask one of them to come over and help me out or talk about ideas I make sure I go out of my way to provide meals and drinks. I'm not doing all of that because of my wedding though, I do that because I am their friend and I will never lose sight of that, regardless of whether I'm about to get married or not.

1. Sooooo one other thing? (Dress shopping is obvious, I already gave you that one, might want to thoroughly read the responses in the future)
2. No, I don't.
3. If your wedding is stressful then you should probably take a step back and reevaluate some things, weddings are about joy, not stress (In fact, I am having the time of my life planning a wedding with my FI, it is far from stressful, and that's about attitude, not budget)
4. Why do they need to go dress shopping with you multiple times? My BM's all looked online and a few went into the store ONCE at their own convenience. Buying them lunch is appropriate, not accommodating.

So what are your bridesmaids for? Literally just to walk down the aisle with you? Mine want to be involved and help out when they can. And my wedding is stressful because of money, we are paying for it ourselves (like plenty of people do!) and sometimes it takes a toll on us even though we aren't spending any more than we can afford. And we had to go to the dress store twice because they didn't have the correct dress the first time and had to order it for one of my girls to try on, we went together as a group and bonded and had a great time, there were no complaints. But you are right, looking online all by yourself would be way better. And I did not have to buy them lunch, I did it out of kindness. But you are probably more experienced at being a bride to be than I am so you are probably right about everything and I should just shut up because I will always be wrong in your eyes, right?

Bridesmaids are a way to honor your closest friends on an important day. They are there to stand next to you as you say your vows. That's pretty much it.

I feel like you're taking this way to personally. Take a step back. Maybe open a bottle of wine.

No one is saying you're a bad person, they're just saying that it's wrong to expect your bridesmaids to do anything other than show up in the agreed upon dress. Can you ask them to do you a favor? Of course! You can always ask your friends to do you favors. The asking isn't the part that makes it wrong, it's the asking/telling in a way that makes it difficult for them to say no (i.e. "well because you're my bridesmaid, you're going to do x, y or z, right?"). Or asking in a way that makes it clear you'll be upset/disappointed if they say no. You can't expect them to do these things with you, but you can certainly ask them (within reason).

A good test of whether something is appropriate to ask or not is to imagine that you had no bridal party and ask yourself if you would still ask the person to do it. If yes, ask them as a friend, not in their capacity as your bridesmaid as that puts undue pressure on them to say yes. And accept that they might say no and don't be upset if they do.

Rebl90 · December 2013

NYCBruin said:

oliviaester1991 said:

Rebl90 said:

oliviaester1991 said:

specifically the girly things im referring to are related to hair and makeup for myself and my bridesmaids that day, I don't want him to know anything about mine, and I honestly don't think he cares about theirs. I also don't think he wants to go dress shopping with me and the bridesmaids. I showed him the dress we picked out and he said it looked great, and I think that is all he really needed to have a say in as far as that went. Anything else he is helping me with 100%, for some reason everyone took my comment to mean that my fiancé isn't doing anything? And I would love if you had the opportunity to ask my girls about how accommodating I have been to them and how little I ask them to do because they will tell you exactly what I said. And you really don't think you should ask your bridesmaids for help at all about ideas you have? Obviously this is my wedding and not theirs but I did ask them to be a part of a very important and stressful event in my life and I don't think it is too much to ask for ideas on things like escort cards and invitations. that is what they are there for. I understand they are not there to do all my dirty work or shop with me for hours but they should be there to help with small things. Also, I am taking care of them. Every single time we had to go dress shopping I bought everyone lunch. Any time I ask one of them to come over and help me out or talk about ideas I make sure I go out of my way to provide meals and drinks. I'm not doing all of that because of my wedding though, I do that because I am their friend and I will never lose sight of that, regardless of whether I'm about to get married or not.

1. Sooooo one other thing? (Dress shopping is obvious, I already gave you that one, might want to thoroughly read the responses in the future)
2. No, I don't.
3. If your wedding is stressful then you should probably take a step back and reevaluate some things, weddings are about joy, not stress (In fact, I am having the time of my life planning a wedding with my FI, it is far from stressful, and that's about attitude, not budget)
4. Why do they need to go dress shopping with you multiple times? My BM's all looked online and a few went into the store ONCE at their own convenience. Buying them lunch is appropriate, not accommodating.

So what are your bridesmaids for? Literally just to walk down the aisle with you? Mine want to be involved and help out when they can. And my wedding is stressful because of money, we are paying for it ourselves (like plenty of people do!) and sometimes it takes a toll on us even though we aren't spending any more than we can afford. And we had to go to the dress store twice because they didn't have the correct dress the first time and had to order it for one of my girls to try on, we went together as a group and bonded and had a great time, there were no complaints. But you are right, looking online all by yourself would be way better. And I did not have to buy them lunch, I did it out of kindness. But you are probably more experienced at being a bride to be than I am so you are probably right about everything and I should just shut up because I will always be wrong in your eyes, right?

Bridesmaids are a way to honor your closest friends on an important day. They are there to stand next to you as you say your vows. That's pretty much it.

I feel like you're taking this way to personally. Take a step back. Maybe open a bottle of wine.

No one is saying you're a bad person, they're just saying that it's wrong to expect your bridesmaids to do anything other than show up in the agreed upon dress. Can you ask them to do you a favor? Of course! You can always ask your friends to do you favors. The asking isn't the part that makes it wrong, it's the asking/telling in a way that makes it difficult for them to say no (i.e. "well because you're my bridesmaid, you're going to do x, y or z, right?"). Or asking in a way that makes it clear you'll be upset/disappointed if they say no. You can't expect them to do these things with you, but you can certainly ask them (within reason).

A good test of whether something is appropriate to ask or not is to imagine that you had no bridal party and ask yourself if you would still ask the person to do it. If yes, ask them as a friend, not in their capacity as your bridesmaid as that puts undue pressure on them to say yes. And accept that they might say no and don't be upset if they do.

I pretty much agree with most of what you said @NYCBruin, I still won't be asking my BMs to do favors for me because I know each of them have a lot on their plate for specific reasons, and while they have told me they are throwing a shower and a bachelorette, I made it clear that it wasn't necessary. I think the small favor idea could work if your friends had more free time, but I'm still on the fence because I'm a BM in a wedding the month before mine and do not have any free time to help my friend with her wedding (full time college student and I work for my university) and I would feel obligated to help if she came to me and asked for assistance with something. I am dreading that because I know if I don't help then I'll feel bad and that's because of this false sense of obligation. Although that could be my lack of a backbone sometimes

NYCBruin · December 2013

Rebl90 said:

NYCBruin said:

oliviaester1991 said:

Rebl90 said:

oliviaester1991 said:

specifically the girly things im referring to are related to hair and makeup for myself and my bridesmaids that day, I don't want him to know anything about mine, and I honestly don't think he cares about theirs. I also don't think he wants to go dress shopping with me and the bridesmaids. I showed him the dress we picked out and he said it looked great, and I think that is all he really needed to have a say in as far as that went. Anything else he is helping me with 100%, for some reason everyone took my comment to mean that my fiancé isn't doing anything? And I would love if you had the opportunity to ask my girls about how accommodating I have been to them and how little I ask them to do because they will tell you exactly what I said. And you really don't think you should ask your bridesmaids for help at all about ideas you have? Obviously this is my wedding and not theirs but I did ask them to be a part of a very important and stressful event in my life and I don't think it is too much to ask for ideas on things like escort cards and invitations. that is what they are there for. I understand they are not there to do all my dirty work or shop with me for hours but they should be there to help with small things. Also, I am taking care of them. Every single time we had to go dress shopping I bought everyone lunch. Any time I ask one of them to come over and help me out or talk about ideas I make sure I go out of my way to provide meals and drinks. I'm not doing all of that because of my wedding though, I do that because I am their friend and I will never lose sight of that, regardless of whether I'm about to get married or not.

1. Sooooo one other thing? (Dress shopping is obvious, I already gave you that one, might want to thoroughly read the responses in the future)
2. No, I don't.
3. If your wedding is stressful then you should probably take a step back and reevaluate some things, weddings are about joy, not stress (In fact, I am having the time of my life planning a wedding with my FI, it is far from stressful, and that's about attitude, not budget)
4. Why do they need to go dress shopping with you multiple times? My BM's all looked online and a few went into the store ONCE at their own convenience. Buying them lunch is appropriate, not accommodating.

So what are your bridesmaids for? Literally just to walk down the aisle with you? Mine want to be involved and help out when they can. And my wedding is stressful because of money, we are paying for it ourselves (like plenty of people do!) and sometimes it takes a toll on us even though we aren't spending any more than we can afford. And we had to go to the dress store twice because they didn't have the correct dress the first time and had to order it for one of my girls to try on, we went together as a group and bonded and had a great time, there were no complaints. But you are right, looking online all by yourself would be way better. And I did not have to buy them lunch, I did it out of kindness. But you are probably more experienced at being a bride to be than I am so you are probably right about everything and I should just shut up because I will always be wrong in your eyes, right?

Bridesmaids are a way to honor your closest friends on an important day. They are there to stand next to you as you say your vows. That's pretty much it.

I feel like you're taking this way to personally. Take a step back. Maybe open a bottle of wine.

No one is saying you're a bad person, they're just saying that it's wrong to expect your bridesmaids to do anything other than show up in the agreed upon dress. Can you ask them to do you a favor? Of course! You can always ask your friends to do you favors. The asking isn't the part that makes it wrong, it's the asking/telling in a way that makes it difficult for them to say no (i.e. "well because you're my bridesmaid, you're going to do x, y or z, right?"). Or asking in a way that makes it clear you'll be upset/disappointed if they say no. You can't expect them to do these things with you, but you can certainly ask them (within reason).

A good test of whether something is appropriate to ask or not is to imagine that you had no bridal party and ask yourself if you would still ask the person to do it. If yes, ask them as a friend, not in their capacity as your bridesmaid as that puts undue pressure on them to say yes. And accept that they might say no and don't be upset if they do.

I pretty much agree with most of what you said @NYCBruin, I still won't be asking my BMs to do favors for me because I know each of them have a lot on their plate for specific reasons, and while they have told me they are throwing a shower and a bachelorette, I made it clear that it wasn't necessary. I think the small favor idea could work if your friends had more free time, but I'm still on the fence because I'm a BM in a wedding the month before mine and do not have any free time to help my friend with her wedding (full time college student and I work for my university) and I would feel obligated to help if she came to me and asked for assistance with something. I am dreading that because I know if I don't help then I'll feel bad and that's because of this false sense of obligation. Although that could be my lack of a backbone sometimes

That makes total sense. I am not asking any favors from my BMs either. Although I know if one of them lived in the same city as me, I would probably ask if she wanted to help with a DIY project/wine and movie night because she loves that type of stuff. It's totally not my other BM's style/thing though so I would never ask. And my MOH actually started a pinterest board to give me ideas for things (she loves all things weddings) and she has impeccable taste so I will send her stuff to get her take on things, but that's pretty much it.

Rebl90 · December 2013

NYCBruin said:

Rebl90 said:

NYCBruin said:

oliviaester1991 said:

Rebl90 said:

oliviaester1991 said:

specifically the girly things im referring to are related to hair and makeup for myself and my bridesmaids that day, I don't want him to know anything about mine, and I honestly don't think he cares about theirs. I also don't think he wants to go dress shopping with me and the bridesmaids. I showed him the dress we picked out and he said it looked great, and I think that is all he really needed to have a say in as far as that went. Anything else he is helping me with 100%, for some reason everyone took my comment to mean that my fiancé isn't doing anything? And I would love if you had the opportunity to ask my girls about how accommodating I have been to them and how little I ask them to do because they will tell you exactly what I said. And you really don't think you should ask your bridesmaids for help at all about ideas you have? Obviously this is my wedding and not theirs but I did ask them to be a part of a very important and stressful event in my life and I don't think it is too much to ask for ideas on things like escort cards and invitations. that is what they are there for. I understand they are not there to do all my dirty work or shop with me for hours but they should be there to help with small things. Also, I am taking care of them. Every single time we had to go dress shopping I bought everyone lunch. Any time I ask one of them to come over and help me out or talk about ideas I make sure I go out of my way to provide meals and drinks. I'm not doing all of that because of my wedding though, I do that because I am their friend and I will never lose sight of that, regardless of whether I'm about to get married or not.

1. Sooooo one other thing? (Dress shopping is obvious, I already gave you that one, might want to thoroughly read the responses in the future)
2. No, I don't.
3. If your wedding is stressful then you should probably take a step back and reevaluate some things, weddings are about joy, not stress (In fact, I am having the time of my life planning a wedding with my FI, it is far from stressful, and that's about attitude, not budget)
4. Why do they need to go dress shopping with you multiple times? My BM's all looked online and a few went into the store ONCE at their own convenience. Buying them lunch is appropriate, not accommodating.

So what are your bridesmaids for? Literally just to walk down the aisle with you? Mine want to be involved and help out when they can. And my wedding is stressful because of money, we are paying for it ourselves (like plenty of people do!) and sometimes it takes a toll on us even though we aren't spending any more than we can afford. And we had to go to the dress store twice because they didn't have the correct dress the first time and had to order it for one of my girls to try on, we went together as a group and bonded and had a great time, there were no complaints. But you are right, looking online all by yourself would be way better. And I did not have to buy them lunch, I did it out of kindness. But you are probably more experienced at being a bride to be than I am so you are probably right about everything and I should just shut up because I will always be wrong in your eyes, right?

Bridesmaids are a way to honor your closest friends on an important day. They are there to stand next to you as you say your vows. That's pretty much it.

I feel like you're taking this way to personally. Take a step back. Maybe open a bottle of wine.

No one is saying you're a bad person, they're just saying that it's wrong to expect your bridesmaids to do anything other than show up in the agreed upon dress. Can you ask them to do you a favor? Of course! You can always ask your friends to do you favors. The asking isn't the part that makes it wrong, it's the asking/telling in a way that makes it difficult for them to say no (i.e. "well because you're my bridesmaid, you're going to do x, y or z, right?"). Or asking in a way that makes it clear you'll be upset/disappointed if they say no. You can't expect them to do these things with you, but you can certainly ask them (within reason).

A good test of whether something is appropriate to ask or not is to imagine that you had no bridal party and ask yourself if you would still ask the person to do it. If yes, ask them as a friend, not in their capacity as your bridesmaid as that puts undue pressure on them to say yes. And accept that they might say no and don't be upset if they do.

I pretty much agree with most of what you said @NYCBruin, I still won't be asking my BMs to do favors for me because I know each of them have a lot on their plate for specific reasons, and while they have told me they are throwing a shower and a bachelorette, I made it clear that it wasn't necessary. I think the small favor idea could work if your friends had more free time, but I'm still on the fence because I'm a BM in a wedding the month before mine and do not have any free time to help my friend with her wedding (full time college student and I work for my university) and I would feel obligated to help if she came to me and asked for assistance with something. I am dreading that because I know if I don't help then I'll feel bad and that's because of this false sense of obligation. Although that could be my lack of a backbone sometimes

That makes total sense. I am not asking any favors from my BMs either. Although I know if one of them lived in the same city as me, I would probably ask if she wanted to help with a DIY project/wine and movie night because she loves that type of stuff. It's totally not my other BM's style/thing though so I would never ask. And my MOH actually started a pinterest board to give me ideas for things (she loves all things weddings) and she has impeccable taste so I will send her stuff to get her take on things, but that's pretty much it.

My MOH is just like that, how fun

oliviaester1991 · December 2013

NYCBruin said:

oliviaester1991 said:

Rebl90 said:

oliviaester1991 said:

specifically the girly things im referring to are related to hair and makeup for myself and my bridesmaids that day, I don't want him to know anything about mine, and I honestly don't think he cares about theirs. I also don't think he wants to go dress shopping with me and the bridesmaids. I showed him the dress we picked out and he said it looked great, and I think that is all he really needed to have a say in as far as that went. Anything else he is helping me with 100%, for some reason everyone took my comment to mean that my fiancé isn't doing anything? And I would love if you had the opportunity to ask my girls about how accommodating I have been to them and how little I ask them to do because they will tell you exactly what I said. And you really don't think you should ask your bridesmaids for help at all about ideas you have? Obviously this is my wedding and not theirs but I did ask them to be a part of a very important and stressful event in my life and I don't think it is too much to ask for ideas on things like escort cards and invitations. that is what they are there for. I understand they are not there to do all my dirty work or shop with me for hours but they should be there to help with small things. Also, I am taking care of them. Every single time we had to go dress shopping I bought everyone lunch. Any time I ask one of them to come over and help me out or talk about ideas I make sure I go out of my way to provide meals and drinks. I'm not doing all of that because of my wedding though, I do that because I am their friend and I will never lose sight of that, regardless of whether I'm about to get married or not.

1. Sooooo one other thing? (Dress shopping is obvious, I already gave you that one, might want to thoroughly read the responses in the future)
2. No, I don't.
3. If your wedding is stressful then you should probably take a step back and reevaluate some things, weddings are about joy, not stress (In fact, I am having the time of my life planning a wedding with my FI, it is far from stressful, and that's about attitude, not budget)
4. Why do they need to go dress shopping with you multiple times? My BM's all looked online and a few went into the store ONCE at their own convenience. Buying them lunch is appropriate, not accommodating.

So what are your bridesmaids for? Literally just to walk down the aisle with you? Mine want to be involved and help out when they can. And my wedding is stressful because of money, we are paying for it ourselves (like plenty of people do!) and sometimes it takes a toll on us even though we aren't spending any more than we can afford. And we had to go to the dress store twice because they didn't have the correct dress the first time and had to order it for one of my girls to try on, we went together as a group and bonded and had a great time, there were no complaints. But you are right, looking online all by yourself would be way better. And I did not have to buy them lunch, I did it out of kindness. But you are probably more experienced at being a bride to be than I am so you are probably right about everything and I should just shut up because I will always be wrong in your eyes, right?

Bridesmaids are a way to honor your closest friends on an important day. They are there to stand next to you as you say your vows. That's pretty much it.

I feel like you're taking this way to personally. Take a step back. Maybe open a bottle of wine.

No one is saying you're a bad person, they're just saying that it's wrong to expect your bridesmaids to do anything other than show up in the agreed upon dress. Can you ask them to do you a favor? Of course! You can always ask your friends to do you favors. The asking isn't the part that makes it wrong, it's the asking/telling in a way that makes it difficult for them to say no (i.e. "well because you're my bridesmaid, you're going to do x, y or z, right?"). Or asking in a way that makes it clear you'll be upset/disappointed if they say no. You can't expect them to do these things with you, but you can certainly ask them (within reason).

A good test of whether something is appropriate to ask or not is to imagine that you had no bridal party and ask yourself if you would still ask the person to do it. If yes, ask them as a friend, not in their capacity as your bridesmaid as that puts undue pressure on them to say yes. And accept that they might say no and don't be upset if they do.

I did take it a little personal because I feel like people are cutting me down for having my wedding slightly different than theirs. My bridesmaids are my best friends and I asked them to do things with me and give me advice before I got engaged, it isn't just because of the wedding, not to mention all of the things we do together that aren't wedding related. It just bothers me when people tell me I'm wrong to ask for advice from my girls when our bond is so much greater than just a bridesmaid, they are my best friends.

Rebl90 · December 2013

oliviaester1991 said:

NYCBruin said:

oliviaester1991 said:

Rebl90 said:

oliviaester1991 said:

specifically the girly things im referring to are related to hair and makeup for myself and my bridesmaids that day, I don't want him to know anything about mine, and I honestly don't think he cares about theirs. I also don't think he wants to go dress shopping with me and the bridesmaids. I showed him the dress we picked out and he said it looked great, and I think that is all he really needed to have a say in as far as that went. Anything else he is helping me with 100%, for some reason everyone took my comment to mean that my fiancé isn't doing anything? And I would love if you had the opportunity to ask my girls about how accommodating I have been to them and how little I ask them to do because they will tell you exactly what I said. And you really don't think you should ask your bridesmaids for help at all about ideas you have? Obviously this is my wedding and not theirs but I did ask them to be a part of a very important and stressful event in my life and I don't think it is too much to ask for ideas on things like escort cards and invitations. that is what they are there for. I understand they are not there to do all my dirty work or shop with me for hours but they should be there to help with small things. Also, I am taking care of them. Every single time we had to go dress shopping I bought everyone lunch. Any time I ask one of them to come over and help me out or talk about ideas I make sure I go out of my way to provide meals and drinks. I'm not doing all of that because of my wedding though, I do that because I am their friend and I will never lose sight of that, regardless of whether I'm about to get married or not.

1. Sooooo one other thing? (Dress shopping is obvious, I already gave you that one, might want to thoroughly read the responses in the future)
2. No, I don't.
3. If your wedding is stressful then you should probably take a step back and reevaluate some things, weddings are about joy, not stress (In fact, I am having the time of my life planning a wedding with my FI, it is far from stressful, and that's about attitude, not budget)
4. Why do they need to go dress shopping with you multiple times? My BM's all looked online and a few went into the store ONCE at their own convenience. Buying them lunch is appropriate, not accommodating.

So what are your bridesmaids for? Literally just to walk down the aisle with you? Mine want to be involved and help out when they can. And my wedding is stressful because of money, we are paying for it ourselves (like plenty of people do!) and sometimes it takes a toll on us even though we aren't spending any more than we can afford. And we had to go to the dress store twice because they didn't have the correct dress the first time and had to order it for one of my girls to try on, we went together as a group and bonded and had a great time, there were no complaints. But you are right, looking online all by yourself would be way better. And I did not have to buy them lunch, I did it out of kindness. But you are probably more experienced at being a bride to be than I am so you are probably right about everything and I should just shut up because I will always be wrong in your eyes, right?

Bridesmaids are a way to honor your closest friends on an important day. They are there to stand next to you as you say your vows. That's pretty much it.

I feel like you're taking this way to personally. Take a step back. Maybe open a bottle of wine.

No one is saying you're a bad person, they're just saying that it's wrong to expect your bridesmaids to do anything other than show up in the agreed upon dress. Can you ask them to do you a favor? Of course! You can always ask your friends to do you favors. The asking isn't the part that makes it wrong, it's the asking/telling in a way that makes it difficult for them to say no (i.e. "well because you're my bridesmaid, you're going to do x, y or z, right?"). Or asking in a way that makes it clear you'll be upset/disappointed if they say no. You can't expect them to do these things with you, but you can certainly ask them (within reason).

A good test of whether something is appropriate to ask or not is to imagine that you had no bridal party and ask yourself if you would still ask the person to do it. If yes, ask them as a friend, not in their capacity as your bridesmaid as that puts undue pressure on them to say yes. And accept that they might say no and don't be upset if they do.

I did take it a little personal because I feel like people are cutting me down for having my wedding slightly different than theirs. My bridesmaids are my best friends and I asked them to do things with me and give me advice before I got engaged, it isn't just because of the wedding, not to mention all of the things we do together that aren't wedding related. It just bothers me when people tell me I'm wrong to ask for advice from my girls when our bond is so much greater than just a bridesmaid, they are my best friends.

Um yeah, that's exactly who you ask to be your BM's....that doesn't make you special. My BMs and MOH are also my closest friends, that doesn't give me permission to ask them favors.

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

Am I the only one hung up on the utter ridiculousness of that font?

HaileyDancingbear · December 2013

Rebl90 said:

oliviaester1991 said:

NYCBruin said:

oliviaester1991 said:

Rebl90 said:

oliviaester1991 said:

specifically the girly things im referring to are related to hair and makeup for myself and my bridesmaids that day, I don't want him to know anything about mine, and I honestly don't think he cares about theirs. I also don't think he wants to go dress shopping with me and the bridesmaids. I showed him the dress we picked out and he said it looked great, and I think that is all he really needed to have a say in as far as that went. Anything else he is helping me with 100%, for some reason everyone took my comment to mean that my fiancé isn't doing anything? And I would love if you had the opportunity to ask my girls about how accommodating I have been to them and how little I ask them to do because they will tell you exactly what I said. And you really don't think you should ask your bridesmaids for help at all about ideas you have? Obviously this is my wedding and not theirs but I did ask them to be a part of a very important and stressful event in my life and I don't think it is too much to ask for ideas on things like escort cards and invitations. that is what they are there for. I understand they are not there to do all my dirty work or shop with me for hours but they should be there to help with small things. Also, I am taking care of them. Every single time we had to go dress shopping I bought everyone lunch. Any time I ask one of them to come over and help me out or talk about ideas I make sure I go out of my way to provide meals and drinks. I'm not doing all of that because of my wedding though, I do that because I am their friend and I will never lose sight of that, regardless of whether I'm about to get married or not.

1. Sooooo one other thing? (Dress shopping is obvious, I already gave you that one, might want to thoroughly read the responses in the future)
2. No, I don't.
3. If your wedding is stressful then you should probably take a step back and reevaluate some things, weddings are about joy, not stress (In fact, I am having the time of my life planning a wedding with my FI, it is far from stressful, and that's about attitude, not budget)
4. Why do they need to go dress shopping with you multiple times? My BM's all looked online and a few went into the store ONCE at their own convenience. Buying them lunch is appropriate, not accommodating.

So what are your bridesmaids for? Literally just to walk down the aisle with you? Mine want to be involved and help out when they can. And my wedding is stressful because of money, we are paying for it ourselves (like plenty of people do!) and sometimes it takes a toll on us even though we aren't spending any more than we can afford. And we had to go to the dress store twice because they didn't have the correct dress the first time and had to order it for one of my girls to try on, we went together as a group and bonded and had a great time, there were no complaints. But you are right, looking online all by yourself would be way better. And I did not have to buy them lunch, I did it out of kindness. But you are probably more experienced at being a bride to be than I am so you are probably right about everything and I should just shut up because I will always be wrong in your eyes, right?

Bridesmaids are a way to honor your closest friends on an important day. They are there to stand next to you as you say your vows. That's pretty much it.

I feel like you're taking this way to personally. Take a step back. Maybe open a bottle of wine.

No one is saying you're a bad person, they're just saying that it's wrong to expect your bridesmaids to do anything other than show up in the agreed upon dress. Can you ask them to do you a favor? Of course! You can always ask your friends to do you favors. The asking isn't the part that makes it wrong, it's the asking/telling in a way that makes it difficult for them to say no (i.e. "well because you're my bridesmaid, you're going to do x, y or z, right?"). Or asking in a way that makes it clear you'll be upset/disappointed if they say no. You can't expect them to do these things with you, but you can certainly ask them (within reason).

A good test of whether something is appropriate to ask or not is to imagine that you had no bridal party and ask yourself if you would still ask the person to do it. If yes, ask them as a friend, not in their capacity as your bridesmaid as that puts undue pressure on them to say yes. And accept that they might say no and don't be upset if they do.

I did take it a little personal because I feel like people are cutting me down for having my wedding slightly different than theirs. My bridesmaids are my best friends and I asked them to do things with me and give me advice before I got engaged, it isn't just because of the wedding, not to mention all of the things we do together that aren't wedding related. It just bothers me when people tell me I'm wrong to ask for advice from my girls when our bond is so much greater than just a bridesmaid, they are my best friends.

Um yeah, that's exactly who you ask to be your BM's....that doesn't make you special. My BMs and MOH are also my closest friends, that doesn't give me permission to ask them favors.

So it's not ok to ask your friends for favors or advice? Damn, guess I better call my best friend up and tell her how out of line she was for asking for relationship advice the other day, or how ridiculous it was for her to expect me to do her a favor and lend her five bucks, but then again I guess I'm a bad friend too since she did me a huge favor last week by covering a shift for me… Or was I doing the favor because she was low on cash and asked if I had any shifts she could cover? Either way, we really messed up and I'm so ashamed of what bad friends we are. Ugh I'll never help a friend out or ask for help from a friend ever again. Being there for each other is such bad manners.

But seriously, can we just lay off this girl? So what she asks her bridesmaids for advice about the wedding, friends ask for advice on things all the time. When you're not getting married, it's totally fine to ask for advice on anything from relationships to family issues, or even little things like your outfit, but if you're engaged and ask for advice about your relationship or family issues or outfit you'll wear on a really important occasion, suddenly you're being too demanding? I call bull.

If it's ok to ask of a friend, wether it's advice or a favor, it's ok to ask of a bridesmaid, because the fact that they are your friend is a hell of a lot more important than the fact that they are your bridesmaid.

Alexandrathgr8 · December 2013

@haileydancingbear preach sister!

Viczaesar · December 2013

HaileyDancingbear said:

Rebl90 said:

oliviaester1991 said:

NYCBruin said:

oliviaester1991 said:

Rebl90 said:

oliviaester1991 said:

specifically the girly things im referring to are related to hair and makeup for myself and my bridesmaids that day, I don't want him to know anything about mine, and I honestly don't think he cares about theirs. I also don't think he wants to go dress shopping with me and the bridesmaids. I showed him the dress we picked out and he said it looked great, and I think that is all he really needed to have a say in as far as that went. Anything else he is helping me with 100%, for some reason everyone took my comment to mean that my fiancé isn't doing anything? And I would love if you had the opportunity to ask my girls about how accommodating I have been to them and how little I ask them to do because they will tell you exactly what I said. And you really don't think you should ask your bridesmaids for help at all about ideas you have? Obviously this is my wedding and not theirs but I did ask them to be a part of a very important and stressful event in my life and I don't think it is too much to ask for ideas on things like escort cards and invitations. that is what they are there for. I understand they are not there to do all my dirty work or shop with me for hours but they should be there to help with small things. Also, I am taking care of them. Every single time we had to go dress shopping I bought everyone lunch. Any time I ask one of them to come over and help me out or talk about ideas I make sure I go out of my way to provide meals and drinks. I'm not doing all of that because of my wedding though, I do that because I am their friend and I will never lose sight of that, regardless of whether I'm about to get married or not.

1. Sooooo one other thing? (Dress shopping is obvious, I already gave you that one, might want to thoroughly read the responses in the future)
2. No, I don't.
3. If your wedding is stressful then you should probably take a step back and reevaluate some things, weddings are about joy, not stress (In fact, I am having the time of my life planning a wedding with my FI, it is far from stressful, and that's about attitude, not budget)
4. Why do they need to go dress shopping with you multiple times? My BM's all looked online and a few went into the store ONCE at their own convenience. Buying them lunch is appropriate, not accommodating.

So what are your bridesmaids for? Literally just to walk down the aisle with you? Mine want to be involved and help out when they can. And my wedding is stressful because of money, we are paying for it ourselves (like plenty of people do!) and sometimes it takes a toll on us even though we aren't spending any more than we can afford. And we had to go to the dress store twice because they didn't have the correct dress the first time and had to order it for one of my girls to try on, we went together as a group and bonded and had a great time, there were no complaints. But you are right, looking online all by yourself would be way better. And I did not have to buy them lunch, I did it out of kindness. But you are probably more experienced at being a bride to be than I am so you are probably right about everything and I should just shut up because I will always be wrong in your eyes, right?

Bridesmaids are a way to honor your closest friends on an important day. They are there to stand next to you as you say your vows. That's pretty much it.

I feel like you're taking this way to personally. Take a step back. Maybe open a bottle of wine.

No one is saying you're a bad person, they're just saying that it's wrong to expect your bridesmaids to do anything other than show up in the agreed upon dress. Can you ask them to do you a favor? Of course! You can always ask your friends to do you favors. The asking isn't the part that makes it wrong, it's the asking/telling in a way that makes it difficult for them to say no (i.e. "well because you're my bridesmaid, you're going to do x, y or z, right?"). Or asking in a way that makes it clear you'll be upset/disappointed if they say no. You can't expect them to do these things with you, but you can certainly ask them (within reason).

A good test of whether something is appropriate to ask or not is to imagine that you had no bridal party and ask yourself if you would still ask the person to do it. If yes, ask them as a friend, not in their capacity as your bridesmaid as that puts undue pressure on them to say yes. And accept that they might say no and don't be upset if they do.

I did take it a little personal because I feel like people are cutting me down for having my wedding slightly different than theirs. My bridesmaids are my best friends and I asked them to do things with me and give me advice before I got engaged, it isn't just because of the wedding, not to mention all of the things we do together that aren't wedding related. It just bothers me when people tell me I'm wrong to ask for advice from my girls when our bond is so much greater than just a bridesmaid, they are my best friends.

Um yeah, that's exactly who you ask to be your BM's....that doesn't make you special. My BMs and MOH are also my closest friends, that doesn't give me permission to ask them favors.

So it's not ok to ask your friends for favors or advice? Damn, guess I better call my best friend up and tell her how out of line she was for asking for relationship advice the other day, or how ridiculous it was for her to expect me to do her a favor and lend her five bucks, but then again I guess I'm a bad friend too since she did me a huge favor last week by covering a shift for me… Or was I doing the favor because she was low on cash and asked if I had any shifts she could cover? Either way, we really messed up and I'm so ashamed of what bad friends we are. Ugh I'll never help a friend out or ask for help from a friend ever again. Being there for each other is such bad manners.
But seriously, can we just lay off this girl? So what she asks her bridesmaids for advice about the wedding, friends ask for advice on things all the time. When you're not getting married, it's totally fine to ask for advice on anything from relationships to family issues, or even little things like your outfit, but if you're engaged and ask for advice about your relationship or family issues or outfit you'll wear on a really important occasion, suddenly you're being too demanding? I call bull.
If it's ok to ask of a friend, wether it's advice or a favor, it's ok to ask of a bridesmaid, because the fact that they are your friend is a hell of a lot more important than the fact that they are your bridesmaid.

It's okay to ask. It's not okay to expect.

HaileyDancingbear · December 2013

Viczaesar said:

HaileyDancingbear said:

Rebl90 said:

oliviaester1991 said:

NYCBruin said:

oliviaester1991 said:

Rebl90 said:

oliviaester1991 said:

specifically the girly things im referring to are related to hair and makeup for myself and my bridesmaids that day, I don't want him to know anything about mine, and I honestly don't think he cares about theirs. I also don't think he wants to go dress shopping with me and the bridesmaids. I showed him the dress we picked out and he said it looked great, and I think that is all he really needed to have a say in as far as that went. Anything else he is helping me with 100%, for some reason everyone took my comment to mean that my fiancé isn't doing anything? And I would love if you had the opportunity to ask my girls about how accommodating I have been to them and how little I ask them to do because they will tell you exactly what I said. And you really don't think you should ask your bridesmaids for help at all about ideas you have? Obviously this is my wedding and not theirs but I did ask them to be a part of a very important and stressful event in my life and I don't think it is too much to ask for ideas on things like escort cards and invitations. that is what they are there for. I understand they are not there to do all my dirty work or shop with me for hours but they should be there to help with small things. Also, I am taking care of them. Every single time we had to go dress shopping I bought everyone lunch. Any time I ask one of them to come over and help me out or talk about ideas I make sure I go out of my way to provide meals and drinks. I'm not doing all of that because of my wedding though, I do that because I am their friend and I will never lose sight of that, regardless of whether I'm about to get married or not.

1. Sooooo one other thing? (Dress shopping is obvious, I already gave you that one, might want to thoroughly read the responses in the future)
2. No, I don't.
3. If your wedding is stressful then you should probably take a step back and reevaluate some things, weddings are about joy, not stress (In fact, I am having the time of my life planning a wedding with my FI, it is far from stressful, and that's about attitude, not budget)
4. Why do they need to go dress shopping with you multiple times? My BM's all looked online and a few went into the store ONCE at their own convenience. Buying them lunch is appropriate, not accommodating.

So what are your bridesmaids for? Literally just to walk down the aisle with you? Mine want to be involved and help out when they can. And my wedding is stressful because of money, we are paying for it ourselves (like plenty of people do!) and sometimes it takes a toll on us even though we aren't spending any more than we can afford. And we had to go to the dress store twice because they didn't have the correct dress the first time and had to order it for one of my girls to try on, we went together as a group and bonded and had a great time, there were no complaints. But you are right, looking online all by yourself would be way better. And I did not have to buy them lunch, I did it out of kindness. But you are probably more experienced at being a bride to be than I am so you are probably right about everything and I should just shut up because I will always be wrong in your eyes, right?

Bridesmaids are a way to honor your closest friends on an important day. They are there to stand next to you as you say your vows. That's pretty much it.

I feel like you're taking this way to personally. Take a step back. Maybe open a bottle of wine.

No one is saying you're a bad person, they're just saying that it's wrong to expect your bridesmaids to do anything other than show up in the agreed upon dress. Can you ask them to do you a favor? Of course! You can always ask your friends to do you favors. The asking isn't the part that makes it wrong, it's the asking/telling in a way that makes it difficult for them to say no (i.e. "well because you're my bridesmaid, you're going to do x, y or z, right?"). Or asking in a way that makes it clear you'll be upset/disappointed if they say no. You can't expect them to do these things with you, but you can certainly ask them (within reason).

A good test of whether something is appropriate to ask or not is to imagine that you had no bridal party and ask yourself if you would still ask the person to do it. If yes, ask them as a friend, not in their capacity as your bridesmaid as that puts undue pressure on them to say yes. And accept that they might say no and don't be upset if they do.

I did take it a little personal because I feel like people are cutting me down for having my wedding slightly different than theirs. My bridesmaids are my best friends and I asked them to do things with me and give me advice before I got engaged, it isn't just because of the wedding, not to mention all of the things we do together that aren't wedding related. It just bothers me when people tell me I'm wrong to ask for advice from my girls when our bond is so much greater than just a bridesmaid, they are my best friends.

Um yeah, that's exactly who you ask to be your BM's....that doesn't make you special. My BMs and MOH are also my closest friends, that doesn't give me permission to ask them favors.

So it's not ok to ask your friends for favors or advice? Damn, guess I better call my best friend up and tell her how out of line she was for asking for relationship advice the other day, or how ridiculous it was for her to expect me to do her a favor and lend her five bucks, but then again I guess I'm a bad friend too since she did me a huge favor last week by covering a shift for me… Or was I doing the favor because she was low on cash and asked if I had any shifts she could cover? Either way, we really messed up and I'm so ashamed of what bad friends we are. Ugh I'll never help a friend out or ask for help from a friend ever again. Being there for each other is such bad manners.
But seriously, can we just lay off this girl? So what she asks her bridesmaids for advice about the wedding, friends ask for advice on things all the time. When you're not getting married, it's totally fine to ask for advice on anything from relationships to family issues, or even little things like your outfit, but if you're engaged and ask for advice about your relationship or family issues or outfit you'll wear on a really important occasion, suddenly you're being too demanding? I call bull.
If it's ok to ask of a friend, wether it's advice or a favor, it's ok to ask of a bridesmaid, because the fact that they are your friend is a hell of a lot more important than the fact that they are your bridesmaid.

It's okay to ask. It's not okay to expect.

That's the thing though, this olivia girl only mentions ASKING. I just don't think she really deserves all the crap people are giving her.

NYCBruin · December 2013

HaileyDancingbear said:

Viczaesar said:

HaileyDancingbear said:

Rebl90 said:

oliviaester1991 said:

NYCBruin said:

oliviaester1991 said:

Rebl90 said:

oliviaester1991 said:

specifically the girly things im referring to are related to hair and makeup for myself and my bridesmaids that day, I don't want him to know anything about mine, and I honestly don't think he cares about theirs. I also don't think he wants to go dress shopping with me and the bridesmaids. I showed him the dress we picked out and he said it looked great, and I think that is all he really needed to have a say in as far as that went. Anything else he is helping me with 100%, for some reason everyone took my comment to mean that my fiancé isn't doing anything? And I would love if you had the opportunity to ask my girls about how accommodating I have been to them and how little I ask them to do because they will tell you exactly what I said. And you really don't think you should ask your bridesmaids for help at all about ideas you have? Obviously this is my wedding and not theirs but I did ask them to be a part of a very important and stressful event in my life and I don't think it is too much to ask for ideas on things like escort cards and invitations. that is what they are there for. I understand they are not there to do all my dirty work or shop with me for hours but they should be there to help with small things. Also, I am taking care of them. Every single time we had to go dress shopping I bought everyone lunch. Any time I ask one of them to come over and help me out or talk about ideas I make sure I go out of my way to provide meals and drinks. I'm not doing all of that because of my wedding though, I do that because I am their friend and I will never lose sight of that, regardless of whether I'm about to get married or not.

1. Sooooo one other thing? (Dress shopping is obvious, I already gave you that one, might want to thoroughly read the responses in the future)
2. No, I don't.
3. If your wedding is stressful then you should probably take a step back and reevaluate some things, weddings are about joy, not stress (In fact, I am having the time of my life planning a wedding with my FI, it is far from stressful, and that's about attitude, not budget)
4. Why do they need to go dress shopping with you multiple times? My BM's all looked online and a few went into the store ONCE at their own convenience. Buying them lunch is appropriate, not accommodating.

So what are your bridesmaids for? Literally just to walk down the aisle with you? Mine want to be involved and help out when they can. And my wedding is stressful because of money, we are paying for it ourselves (like plenty of people do!) and sometimes it takes a toll on us even though we aren't spending any more than we can afford. And we had to go to the dress store twice because they didn't have the correct dress the first time and had to order it for one of my girls to try on, we went together as a group and bonded and had a great time, there were no complaints. But you are right, looking online all by yourself would be way better. And I did not have to buy them lunch, I did it out of kindness. But you are probably more experienced at being a bride to be than I am so you are probably right about everything and I should just shut up because I will always be wrong in your eyes, right?

Bridesmaids are a way to honor your closest friends on an important day. They are there to stand next to you as you say your vows. That's pretty much it.

I feel like you're taking this way to personally. Take a step back. Maybe open a bottle of wine.

No one is saying you're a bad person, they're just saying that it's wrong to expect your bridesmaids to do anything other than show up in the agreed upon dress. Can you ask them to do you a favor? Of course! You can always ask your friends to do you favors. The asking isn't the part that makes it wrong, it's the asking/telling in a way that makes it difficult for them to say no (i.e. "well because you're my bridesmaid, you're going to do x, y or z, right?"). Or asking in a way that makes it clear you'll be upset/disappointed if they say no. You can't expect them to do these things with you, but you can certainly ask them (within reason).

A good test of whether something is appropriate to ask or not is to imagine that you had no bridal party and ask yourself if you would still ask the person to do it. If yes, ask them as a friend, not in their capacity as your bridesmaid as that puts undue pressure on them to say yes. And accept that they might say no and don't be upset if they do.

I did take it a little personal because I feel like people are cutting me down for having my wedding slightly different than theirs. My bridesmaids are my best friends and I asked them to do things with me and give me advice before I got engaged, it isn't just because of the wedding, not to mention all of the things we do together that aren't wedding related. It just bothers me when people tell me I'm wrong to ask for advice from my girls when our bond is so much greater than just a bridesmaid, they are my best friends.

Um yeah, that's exactly who you ask to be your BM's....that doesn't make you special. My BMs and MOH are also my closest friends, that doesn't give me permission to ask them favors.

So it's not ok to ask your friends for favors or advice? Damn, guess I better call my best friend up and tell her how out of line she was for asking for relationship advice the other day, or how ridiculous it was for her to expect me to do her a favor and lend her five bucks, but then again I guess I'm a bad friend too since she did me a huge favor last week by covering a shift for me… Or was I doing the favor because she was low on cash and asked if I had any shifts she could cover? Either way, we really messed up and I'm so ashamed of what bad friends we are. Ugh I'll never help a friend out or ask for help from a friend ever again. Being there for each other is such bad manners.
But seriously, can we just lay off this girl? So what she asks her bridesmaids for advice about the wedding, friends ask for advice on things all the time. When you're not getting married, it's totally fine to ask for advice on anything from relationships to family issues, or even little things like your outfit, but if you're engaged and ask for advice about your relationship or family issues or outfit you'll wear on a really important occasion, suddenly you're being too demanding? I call bull.
If it's ok to ask of a friend, wether it's advice or a favor, it's ok to ask of a bridesmaid, because the fact that they are your friend is a hell of a lot more important than the fact that they are your bridesmaid.

It's okay to ask. It's not okay to expect.

That's the thing though, this olivia girl only mentions ASKING. I just don't think she really deserves all the crap people are giving her.

The way she writes, it sounds like she was expecting. So yes, while she "just" asked, it sounds like she would have been pretty upset if her BMs had said "no" because according to her "that's what BMs are for."

It's fine to ask, but it's not fine to ask in a way that puts extra pressure on someone to do you the favor/whatever because they are a BM.

I think most posters here (although I can only speak for myself) err on the side of caution when asking favors of people, because I know in my experience other people are less likely to call you on your BS when it comes to your wedding. Knowing that, I would never want to find myself in a situation where my friends/family are grumbling behind my back but smiling to my face and saying "of course I'd love to help out with that" when they don't mean it. Also, your wedding is way more important to you than anyone else and you spend way more time thinking about it than anyone else, so while it may seem like something is only a "small" thing or time commitment/discussion to you, to the other person it potentially could be a big thing or seem like you're talking about your wedding all the freaking time.

HaileyDancingbear · December 2013

NYCBruin said:

HaileyDancingbear said:

Viczaesar said:

HaileyDancingbear said:

Rebl90 said:

oliviaester1991 said:

NYCBruin said:

oliviaester1991 said:

Rebl90 said:

oliviaester1991 said:

specifically the girly things im referring to are related to hair and makeup for myself and my bridesmaids that day, I don't want him to know anything about mine, and I honestly don't think he cares about theirs. I also don't think he wants to go dress shopping with me and the bridesmaids. I showed him the dress we picked out and he said it looked great, and I think that is all he really needed to have a say in as far as that went. Anything else he is helping me with 100%, for some reason everyone took my comment to mean that my fiancé isn't doing anything? And I would love if you had the opportunity to ask my girls about how accommodating I have been to them and how little I ask them to do because they will tell you exactly what I said. And you really don't think you should ask your bridesmaids for help at all about ideas you have? Obviously this is my wedding and not theirs but I did ask them to be a part of a very important and stressful event in my life and I don't think it is too much to ask for ideas on things like escort cards and invitations. that is what they are there for. I understand they are not there to do all my dirty work or shop with me for hours but they should be there to help with small things. Also, I am taking care of them. Every single time we had to go dress shopping I bought everyone lunch. Any time I ask one of them to come over and help me out or talk about ideas I make sure I go out of my way to provide meals and drinks. I'm not doing all of that because of my wedding though, I do that because I am their friend and I will never lose sight of that, regardless of whether I'm about to get married or not.

1. Sooooo one other thing? (Dress shopping is obvious, I already gave you that one, might want to thoroughly read the responses in the future)
2. No, I don't.
3. If your wedding is stressful then you should probably take a step back and reevaluate some things, weddings are about joy, not stress (In fact, I am having the time of my life planning a wedding with my FI, it is far from stressful, and that's about attitude, not budget)
4. Why do they need to go dress shopping with you multiple times? My BM's all looked online and a few went into the store ONCE at their own convenience. Buying them lunch is appropriate, not accommodating.

So what are your bridesmaids for? Literally just to walk down the aisle with you? Mine want to be involved and help out when they can. And my wedding is stressful because of money, we are paying for it ourselves (like plenty of people do!) and sometimes it takes a toll on us even though we aren't spending any more than we can afford. And we had to go to the dress store twice because they didn't have the correct dress the first time and had to order it for one of my girls to try on, we went together as a group and bonded and had a great time, there were no complaints. But you are right, looking online all by yourself would be way better. And I did not have to buy them lunch, I did it out of kindness. But you are probably more experienced at being a bride to be than I am so you are probably right about everything and I should just shut up because I will always be wrong in your eyes, right?

Bridesmaids are a way to honor your closest friends on an important day. They are there to stand next to you as you say your vows. That's pretty much it.

I feel like you're taking this way to personally. Take a step back. Maybe open a bottle of wine.

No one is saying you're a bad person, they're just saying that it's wrong to expect your bridesmaids to do anything other than show up in the agreed upon dress. Can you ask them to do you a favor? Of course! You can always ask your friends to do you favors. The asking isn't the part that makes it wrong, it's the asking/telling in a way that makes it difficult for them to say no (i.e. "well because you're my bridesmaid, you're going to do x, y or z, right?"). Or asking in a way that makes it clear you'll be upset/disappointed if they say no. You can't expect them to do these things with you, but you can certainly ask them (within reason).

A good test of whether something is appropriate to ask or not is to imagine that you had no bridal party and ask yourself if you would still ask the person to do it. If yes, ask them as a friend, not in their capacity as your bridesmaid as that puts undue pressure on them to say yes. And accept that they might say no and don't be upset if they do.

I did take it a little personal because I feel like people are cutting me down for having my wedding slightly different than theirs. My bridesmaids are my best friends and I asked them to do things with me and give me advice before I got engaged, it isn't just because of the wedding, not to mention all of the things we do together that aren't wedding related. It just bothers me when people tell me I'm wrong to ask for advice from my girls when our bond is so much greater than just a bridesmaid, they are my best friends.

Um yeah, that's exactly who you ask to be your BM's....that doesn't make you special. My BMs and MOH are also my closest friends, that doesn't give me permission to ask them favors.

So it's not ok to ask your friends for favors or advice? Damn, guess I better call my best friend up and tell her how out of line she was for asking for relationship advice the other day, or how ridiculous it was for her to expect me to do her a favor and lend her five bucks, but then again I guess I'm a bad friend too since she did me a huge favor last week by covering a shift for me… Or was I doing the favor because she was low on cash and asked if I had any shifts she could cover? Either way, we really messed up and I'm so ashamed of what bad friends we are. Ugh I'll never help a friend out or ask for help from a friend ever again. Being there for each other is such bad manners.
But seriously, can we just lay off this girl? So what she asks her bridesmaids for advice about the wedding, friends ask for advice on things all the time. When you're not getting married, it's totally fine to ask for advice on anything from relationships to family issues, or even little things like your outfit, but if you're engaged and ask for advice about your relationship or family issues or outfit you'll wear on a really important occasion, suddenly you're being too demanding? I call bull.
If it's ok to ask of a friend, wether it's advice or a favor, it's ok to ask of a bridesmaid, because the fact that they are your friend is a hell of a lot more important than the fact that they are your bridesmaid.

It's okay to ask. It's not okay to expect.

That's the thing though, this olivia girl only mentions ASKING. I just don't think she really deserves all the crap people are giving her.

The way she writes, it sounds like she was expecting. So yes, while she "just" asked, it sounds like she would have been pretty upset if her BMs had said "no" because according to her "that's what BMs are for."

It's fine to ask, but it's not fine to ask in a way that puts extra pressure on someone to do you the favor/whatever because they are a BM.

I think most posters here (although I can only speak for myself) err on the side of caution when asking favors of people, because I know in my experience other people are less likely to call you on your BS when it comes to your wedding. Knowing that, I would never want to find myself in a situation where my friends/family are grumbling behind my back but smiling to my face and saying "of course I'd love to help out with that" when they don't mean it. Also, your wedding is way more important to you than anyone else and you spend way more time thinking about it than anyone else, so while it may seem like something is only a "small" thing or time commitment/discussion to you, to the other person it potentially could be a big thing or seem like you're talking about your wedding all the freaking time.

Ewww passive aggressiveness :P If you're willing to put up with that kind of person, then that's a legitimate concern. I personally refuse to make any sort of accommodations for passive aggressive people. When I ask someone a question I am completely fine with "No" as an answer and I go out of my way to make sure they know that. So if someone does want to lie to my face and assure me something is ok, then be mad at me for what they just told me was ok, they can go ahead and be mad, I honestly couldn't care less what someone thinks of me if that's how they choose to behave. I refuse to sit around trying to read people's minds, and I think it's stupid to expect someone to do that. That's why I only consider someone a "Friend" when we consider each other close enough to be comfortable calling each other out on any bullshit.

NYCBruin · December 2013

HaileyDancingbear said:

That's the thing though, this olivia girl only mentions ASKING. I just don't think she really deserves all the crap people are giving her.

The way she writes, it sounds like she was expecting. So yes, while she "just" asked, it sounds like she would have been pretty upset if her BMs had said "no" because according to her "that's what BMs are for."

It's fine to ask, but it's not fine to ask in a way that puts extra pressure on someone to do you the favor/whatever because they are a BM.

I think most posters here (although I can only speak for myself) err on the side of caution when asking favors of people, because I know in my experience other people are less likely to call you on your BS when it comes to your wedding. Knowing that, I would never want to find myself in a situation where my friends/family are grumbling behind my back but smiling to my face and saying "of course I'd love to help out with that" when they don't mean it. Also, your wedding is way more important to you than anyone else and you spend way more time thinking about it than anyone else, so while it may seem like something is only a "small" thing or time commitment/discussion to you, to the other person it potentially could be a big thing or seem like you're talking about your wedding all the freaking time.

Ewww passive aggressiveness :P If you're willing to put up with that kind of person, then that's a legitimate concern. I personally refuse to make any sort of accommodations for passive aggressive people. When I ask someone a question I am completely fine with "No" as an answer and I go out of my way to make sure they know that. So if someone does want to lie to my face and assure me something is ok, then be mad at me for what they just told me was ok, they can go ahead and be mad, I honestly couldn't care less what someone thinks of me if that's how they choose to behave. I refuse to sit around trying to read people's minds, and I think it's stupid to expect someone to do that. That's why I only consider someone a "Friend" when we consider each other close enough to be comfortable calling each other out on any bullshit.

Eyeroll. Seriously? You really ALWAYS speak up when something irks you? You never just keep your mouth shut and move on? It must be exhausting to live a life where every time you see someone doing something rude/inappropriate/annoying you feel compelled to call them out on it.

I'm not saying that people are doing a complete 180 where they say "Yes, I'd be thrilled to help you with your 800 DIY projects" and then turn around and call 50 people to whine about it. What is more likely is that when their super excited friend who is getting married whose feelings get hurt really easily calls to squee about her DIY project and goes "so would you mind helping out, it'll be totally fun!" you say yes because it won't be the worst thing in the world, and you know if you say no, her face will look like she just saw a puppy die. So you go and you do it because you care about her, but you're really a little bit annoyed. Since you love her you never say anything about it.

HaileyDancingbear · December 2013

NYCBruin said:

HaileyDancingbear said:

That's the thing though, this olivia girl only mentions ASKING. I just don't think she really deserves all the crap people are giving her.

The way she writes, it sounds like she was expecting. So yes, while she "just" asked, it sounds like she would have been pretty upset if her BMs had said "no" because according to her "that's what BMs are for."

It's fine to ask, but it's not fine to ask in a way that puts extra pressure on someone to do you the favor/whatever because they are a BM.

I think most posters here (although I can only speak for myself) err on the side of caution when asking favors of people, because I know in my experience other people are less likely to call you on your BS when it comes to your wedding. Knowing that, I would never want to find myself in a situation where my friends/family are grumbling behind my back but smiling to my face and saying "of course I'd love to help out with that" when they don't mean it. Also, your wedding is way more important to you than anyone else and you spend way more time thinking about it than anyone else, so while it may seem like something is only a "small" thing or time commitment/discussion to you, to the other person it potentially could be a big thing or seem like you're talking about your wedding all the freaking time.

Ewww passive aggressiveness :P If you're willing to put up with that kind of person, then that's a legitimate concern. I personally refuse to make any sort of accommodations for passive aggressive people. When I ask someone a question I am completely fine with "No" as an answer and I go out of my way to make sure they know that. So if someone does want to lie to my face and assure me something is ok, then be mad at me for what they just told me was ok, they can go ahead and be mad, I honestly couldn't care less what someone thinks of me if that's how they choose to behave. I refuse to sit around trying to read people's minds, and I think it's stupid to expect someone to do that. That's why I only consider someone a "Friend" when we consider each other close enough to be comfortable calling each other out on any bullshit.

Eyeroll. Seriously? You really ALWAYS speak up when something irks you? You never just keep your mouth shut and move on? It must be exhausting to live a life where every time you see someone doing something rude/inappropriate/annoying you feel compelled to call them out on it.

I'm not saying that people are doing a complete 180 where they say "Yes, I'd be thrilled to help you with your 800 DIY projects" and then turn around and call 50 people to whine about it. What is more likely is that when their super excited friend who is getting married whose feelings get hurt really easily calls to squee about her DIY project and goes "so would you mind helping out, it'll be totally fun!" you say yes because it won't be the worst thing in the world, and you know if you say no, her face will look like she just saw a puppy die. So you go and you do it because you care about her, but you're really a little bit annoyed. Since you love her you never say anything about it.

Check out the two bolded parts, see how they don't match up at all? I said it's not ok to say something is ok then get mad about it. How you interpreted that as "I must call out every single thing that even slightly irks me," I don't know, because what I meant by that sentence was exactly what I said. So thanks for the eyeroll, but maybe next time you should direct that at something that I actually said, not words you put into my mouth. Sorry, that's my other pet peeve, I don't like passive aggressive people, or when people put words into my mouth. I stand by what I said, it's not ok to say something is ok, then get mad. To answer your question, If someone asks me to do a favor I don't want to do, I either tell them I don't want to, or if I feel like I should say yes, I just say yes, suck it up, and do it without grumbling or getting mad at the person who asked because I'm the one who agreed to it, and it's not fair to the person who asked if I were to say "Yes" then whine.

NYCBruin · December 2013

HaileyDancingbear said:

NYCBruin said:

HaileyDancingbear said:

That's the thing though, this olivia girl only mentions ASKING. I just don't think she really deserves all the crap people are giving her.

The way she writes, it sounds like she was expecting. So yes, while she "just" asked, it sounds like she would have been pretty upset if her BMs had said "no" because according to her "that's what BMs are for."

It's fine to ask, but it's not fine to ask in a way that puts extra pressure on someone to do you the favor/whatever because they are a BM.

I think most posters here (although I can only speak for myself) err on the side of caution when asking favors of people, because I know in my experience other people are less likely to call you on your BS when it comes to your wedding. Knowing that, I would never want to find myself in a situation where my friends/family are grumbling behind my back but smiling to my face and saying "of course I'd love to help out with that" when they don't mean it. Also, your wedding is way more important to you than anyone else and you spend way more time thinking about it than anyone else, so while it may seem like something is only a "small" thing or time commitment/discussion to you, to the other person it potentially could be a big thing or seem like you're talking about your wedding all the freaking time.

Ewww passive aggressiveness :P If you're willing to put up with that kind of person, then that's a legitimate concern. I personally refuse to make any sort of accommodations for passive aggressive people. When I ask someone a question I am completely fine with "No" as an answer and I go out of my way to make sure they know that. So if someone does want to lie to my face and assure me something is ok, then be mad at me for what they just told me was ok, they can go ahead and be mad, I honestly couldn't care less what someone thinks of me if that's how they choose to behave. I refuse to sit around trying to read people's minds, and I think it's stupid to expect someone to do that. That's why I only consider someone a "Friend" when we consider each other close enough to be comfortable calling each other out on any bullshit.

Eyeroll. Seriously? You really ALWAYS speak up when something irks you? You never just keep your mouth shut and move on? It must be exhausting to live a life where every time you see someone doing something rude/inappropriate/annoying you feel compelled to call them out on it.

I'm not saying that people are doing a complete 180 where they say "Yes, I'd be thrilled to help you with your 800 DIY projects" and then turn around and call 50 people to whine about it. What is more likely is that when their super excited friend who is getting married whose feelings get hurt really easily calls to squee about her DIY project and goes "so would you mind helping out, it'll be totally fun!" you say yes because it won't be the worst thing in the world, and you know if you say no, her face will look like she just saw a puppy die. So you go and you do it because you care about her, but you're really a little bit annoyed. Since you love her you never say anything about it.

Check out the two bolded parts, see how they don't match up at all? I said it's not ok to say something is ok then get mad about it. How you interpreted that as "I must call out every single thing that even slightly irks me," I don't know, because what I meant by that sentence was exactly what I said. So thanks for the eyeroll, but maybe next time you should direct that at something that I actually said, not words you put into my mouth. Sorry, that's my other pet peeve, I don't like passive aggressive people, or when people put words into my mouth. I stand by what I said, it's not ok to say something is ok, then get mad. To answer your question, If someone asks me to do a favor I don't want to do, I either tell them I don't want to, or if I feel like I should say yes, I just say yes, suck it up, and do it without grumbling or getting mad at the person who asked because I'm the one who agreed to it, and it's not fair to the person who asked if I were to say "Yes" then whine.

My eyeroll was to you calling it passive aggressive to say "ok" to something and not actually be super excited about doing it. My original point was that I would never want to put my friends in a situation where they are "sucking it up" and doing something either. The whole point of my first post was that people won't always say something to you when they aren't actually super jazzed to do your favor (like you just pointed out you would do). Since I care about my friends and family, I don't want them to have to "suck it up" and do something they don't want to do.

Pinterest is to blame...

Re: Pinterest is to blame...

Choose Another Board

Search Boards