Advice: Groomsman living with us for a while?

cbooker8912

hey everybody. My best friend, and therefore Groomsman (Zach) needs some serious help. He went straight to the Marines out of high school, and was medically discharged. Since, he hasn't been able to find a good paying steady job. Zach now has two kids, one of which he didn't find out about until he was almost 2. Of course, not being able to find a job means child support is an issue. He has lost his license,  and is currently in lock up for non payment. When he gets out on the 18th, we are bringing him up to Columbus with us to try and find a job. His roommates moved out when he went to county, so he lost all of his furniture n stuff. We live in a large 1 bedroom, so he will be taking over the living room. FH loves Zach, they are basically brothers. Any advice on how we can deal with this change? From budgeting, to how to live with a roommate as a couple, to advice on the child support, anything will help. BTW, he is NOT a deadbeat dad, he's just in a bad spot right now. Thanks!

misssunshine17

Honestly, this sounds like a completely terrible idea. I would go into it with eyes wide open and say that he gets X months to pull it together and he isn't staying longer than that. I would probably put it in writing. This is your life and your home and you need to make sure that he doesn't ruin your relationship. 

freebread03

This honestly sounds like a very bad idea.  I think it's wonderful and generous of you to be willing to help out a friend like this (and totally selfless) but I can't imagine 3 people living in a 1 bedroom apartment.  I think the best thing for you can do is help him get into some type of transitional housing.  If he is a veteran, there may be other benefits out there for him that he isn't taking advantage of.  

I would suggest setting a time limit on how long he can stay with you BEFORE he moves in.  That sets the expectations for what you will and will not do.  You also need to consider how he will pay for things-will you cover all his food and miscellaneous expense since he does not have a job?  What about if you go out with friends and he comes-will you cover those expenses too?  Set limits on everything and make it very clear to him what he needs to do (job search, money, household chores, etc.) and how long you will be supporting him.  I think that it will certainly put a lot of stress on your friendship with him and your relationship with your FH, so be careful.

msuprincess04

I'm not going to say it's a terrible idea, because if someone needs help, we'd probably do the same thing. I also don't think having a roommate while living with your spouse is automatically a bad idea. But, I do agree with the others that you should write up a sort of contract or rental agreement. There will be a lot of things that need to be discussed first such as those listed above. 

A lot of fathers are in a bad spot right now, but he's a Veteran and he has access to a lot of different resources. So it's up to him to get off his butt and utilize them. There are a lot of Veterans groups that can help. Especially if he was medically discharged. First and foremost, tell him to contact the local VA Regional Office and get established at a VA hospital. They have a lot of resources when it comes to jobs including vocational rehabilitation and school programs which include housing allowances. He should contact the Wounded Warrior group. They also help with job placement. 

clarke10

Definitely make sure you have a firm agreement on what date he can stay until. Also, have you factored in things like food and utilities. Will he be paying for those?

The other thing that would concern me is that you're giving him your living room. Are you and your FH going to feel banished to your bedroom all the time? You're giving up the majority of your general living space.

tammym1001

I agree with everything the other PP's have said and I would like to add that he needs to contact child support. I don't know if they can do anything, but he needs to let them know the situation and ask if they can work with him or else he's just going to end up locked up again.

itzMS

@cbooker8912, absolutely 100% suggest he call his local VA hospital...NOW. Don't wait until he gets out of jail. Many VAs have domiciliaries where homeless or down on their luck vets can stay.

There are also several VA outpatient clinics where he can meet with a peer support specialist or social worker frequently once he gets established.

Please encourage him to use these awesome resources.

doeydo

Sorry but this sounds like a really bad idea, IMO.

emmyg65

Only do it with a clear contract. He's expected to take responsibility for his recovery and actively search for jobs and resources for veterans. He should contribute to the household (some light cleaning, occasionally making dinner). And it's temporary. Six months tops. It won't be legally enforceable, but at least it will make your expectations clear.

Also, are you sure your lease allows this? When I rented, I would have had to add a roommate to my lease. This gave my landlord recourse (eviction) if things went wrong.

MyNameIsNot

I would strongly suggest not doing this.  I understand that you love him and feel bad for him, but you're putting your relationship and your home on the line for him.  My SIL stayed with us for a little while when H and I were engaged.  Even though we had 2 bedrooms, we were way too on top of each other.  We both ended up resenting her, and it took a long time to rebuild our relationship.  And she was contributing financially.  

Also, as an attorney that has done a lot of child support enforcement, I have to say that the license/down on his luck thing is BS.  A person generally doesn't lose their license for non-payment of child support unless it is deemed willful.  He probably isn't telling you everything you should know.  

Every situation is different, but eyes wide open.  

cowgirl8238

Honestly I wouldn't do this AT ALL.  I would offer him the moral support sure, but there is no way I would let someone move into my living room and share my house especially after the wonderful insider advice others have shared.  For your sake please reconsider!