loss of father s5.5m pre-wedding

clg1213

Last Tuesday (11/5), my father passed away suddenly.  No warnings at all.  Age 66 and healthy.  I don't intend to get into the sadness and loss or the messy parts....they exist, as they often do

 I keep thinking about how Dad walked me in the 1st...towards the wrong man.  

*I just suddenly thought that maybe the "giving" idea....we didn't use such language....would mean it is Ex who should "give me" to the next man...too funny and lightened my mood)*.  I really did like

Before the unexpected,  was honestly debating the "I walk half-down as he walks up, we meet and walk together to the front, , but suddenly have a total "I want my Daddy" mindset.  I think I might not make it if I walk alone (sadness might win, even though FI is better than my dreams), debating stepdad or stepdad & mom. 

Still have 5+ months, but how do I not cry bad tears throughout the night?

CTYankeeBride

I am terribly sorry for your loss and can not even imagine what you are going through.  I think your "I want my daddy" moment is entirely justified. 

If you are at all close to your stepdad, I think having him and your mother escort you is entirely appropriate.  Walk down the aisle with your FI if you want to and that's what's going to help you get through this.  What better way to enter marriage than with the man you love walking by your side, together, with him supporting you at this difficult time? I wouldn't give a second thought to a bride doing that even if she wasn't in your situation.  A close friend, a family member.  If you feel like it, have your entire wedding party escort you down the aisle like an entourage.  Guests are going to understand that this is difficult and I'm sure they won't think twice about whatever decision you are comfortable with. 

My advice to you is to take time to grieve, and to celebrate your father, and to remember the best times.  Everyone grieves differently so I can't tell you how you'll feel in 5 months, but start there. Talk to friends, or a counselor if you think that will help you. 

MikesAngie

My FIL passed  November 2010, he battled COPD so it wasn't totally unexpected.  My Dad passed November 2001 - and he was still very much missed when we were married April 2011. 

Our wedding processional was different we walked in front of our guests.  My DH's Mom and his (our) daughter escorted him, and my Mom escorted me, which was a nod to my Native heritage. 

Did we both miss our fathers yes, but we did not pay tribute to them at our wedding. We had subtle things such as pictures displayed on a mantel.  The Mother Son danced morphed into, MIL and bride, MIL and groom and then the Moms danced - it was nice and the pictures turned out beautiful. 

I'm sorry for your loss and I know how it feels - you will never stop missing him but in time it does get easier. 

photokitty

I'm so sorry for your loss!  *hugs from an internet stranger*

My your find solace in the fond memories and love you and your father shared.

Take care of yourself

right1thistime

Focus on grieving right now, and don't make any decisions.  There's not a lot of prep that has to go into a processional, so you can make that decision 5 months from now, when your heart has healed some. 

My condolences on the loss of your dad.  ~Donna

clg1213

thank you all.  FI just left for a business trip (very rare)....it may be a tough week...there have been a lot of "surprises" that have come up and added to the usual stress.   

I just got an email from my mother (Queen of "helpful hints," backhanded compliments, and all things guilt-provoking) mentioning her "thoughts for the wedding" which was really just the thought that I could ask her, step-dad, or both to escort me (I had not mentioned the issue to her....she and my dad divorced when I was 2, she was very much behind dad escorting me for my first).  She said she thought she should tell me this before we see her for Turkey Day.  She also added that my cousin had both parents escort her. 

I replied that cousin also had a Jewish wedding and that fit with the tradition for such ceremonies (FI & I will have a civil ceremony).  I also noted that I knew my options and added that walking myself was also an option.  And refrained from telling her I found the email a bit rude.  She will reply (b/c I know her) that she needs to know so she can be sure of her dress choice (as the wedding is about her....I learned that last time....I also learned that I "look pretty when (I) wear makeup" and that gifts from her friends are really only about what she gave them....). 

Sorry...Mom rant over!  But another question on the topic of lost loved ones....

Last night, FI asked that we include a moment of silence during the ceremony for my dad, his dad (passed July '12), my uncle (1/13), and his brother-in-law (1/13).  It is the ONLY thing he has asked for in terms of the ceremony. 

I had been following tips on honoring deceased parents and other relatives already and I know that the general consensus is that a smaller, personal remembrance is favored.  I do plan to tuck a handkerchief of my dad's under my bouquet wrap. I mentioned what I've read here to FI...noting the basic premise of keeping the event happy and focused on the marriage rather than having it become too sad or too much of a memorial.  I gave him the example of the handkerchief vs. an empty chair.  He is pretty settled on the moment of silence and feels it can stay on the right side of that balance. 

Any thoughts?  We would definitely "warn" the most affected people (his mom, my aunt, my cousin who is a bridesmaid).  Not sure if step-mom will come (step-sisters said they plan to...stepmom seems to be more on the "it'll be too hard" side....she'd been w/ dad for about 15y, though I never lived in their town so wasn't all that close)

photokitty

My opinion on this topic has always been this - it is tough situation and I think people need to do what is best for them. This is not a widely held opinion on here. (I've gotten flamed over it) I think you need to decide as a couple what to do. People think it provokes too much grief or a joyous occasion, but if that's how you two want it I would support your decision.

Are you Catholic by chance? The moment of silence is often done in the prayers of the faithful. Could you do something like that?

Good luck! An again, I'm sorry for your loss.

right1thistime

If it means a lot to your Fi and it's what you two want, go ahead & plan it.  My (unasked for) suggestion would be to open with that moment, as part of the gathering language.  A somber moment at the beginning can then lead into the joyful celebration of the wedding. 

The way I see it is that there are discreet and tasteful ways to remember someone you love.  Sometimes what the people are proposing is a showy, "in your face", type remembrance, that takes the focus off of where it should be.  Those empty seats, for example, remind me of the rider-less horse.  Which is a very moving image, but so sad.  Too much for a wedding. 

I would cycle back to the fact that your grief is very fresh and raw at this point.  You will not be healed by the time the wedding comes around, but you will be somewhat better.  Save some decisions to be made closer to the wedding.  Truly, despite the knot checklist, you can wait for some of these things. ~Donna