Guest List Assumptions

Carlotta2014

Right now my wedding is going through a bit of crisis. We are changing our date to hopefully two weeks sooner than planned, my guest list is out of control and my mother and sister are trying to help but instead are hurting my feelings and driving me crazy.

On top of it all, people I talk to or know I am getting married who are not invited will talk to me and say how much they are looking forward to my wedding. How do I politely tell them they are not invited? Also, how do I deal with friends and family who are invited and then assume their kids are invited? We are only inviting nieces and nephews and my FH's 2 children. How do I address this?

Seriously, I am thinking of eloping. But FH really wants a wedding and I want to get married in my church so I am stuck... help!

APDSS22

You try to avoid talking about the wedding with people not invited.  If they bring it up, you try to change the subject by bean dipping.

Nosy: "I'm SO looking forward to coming to your wedding!  Where's my invite, btw?"

You: "We couldn't invite everyone we wanted to/we're keeping it small.  Have you tried this bean dip?/Did you see that cat video on youtube?/Have you cut your hair recently?"

Nosy: "But, we're your parents' neighbors' daughter's best friend's soccer coach, how could you NOT invite us?  We're like FAMILY to you!"

You: "This bean dip is so delicious I must ask for the recipe!/That cat video is so funny, I wonder if I could train Fluffy to do that trick./Your hair looks fabulous.  If you didn't get it cut, your stylist must be a wizard."

If they talk about their kids, you simply mention the same thing.  You weren't able to invite everyone and unfortunately you couldn't accommodate their little darling (or terror). You hope she and her husband Bob can still come and have they tried that fabulous bean dip?  If they try to get huffy with you and say they can't attend without their special mini-them you need to stand firm and say you'll miss seeing them at the wedding then. 

Lauderdale Pink

@TheFutureMrsRohiman22-great advice all the way around, but instead of bean dip just ask

"What did the fox say?" (If you haven't seen it, go to you tube)

Seriously, just trying to add some humor.  Your advice is really perfect.

SomethingBeautiful08

OP... take a deep breath! It will be ok.  the drama will be over with and you will be fine.

On the guest list side of things, there are several ways thing can "get out of control" but here is an idea on one side of things.  Once you have your venue and other major budget restraints.  Figure out a max number of people you can afford to have and / or there are seats at the venue.  Stand firm on not inviting more then that.  

kmj500

I agree with everything here.

We went through very similar things with our guest list and it was a nightmare for a while...people that wouldn't be invited asking when to expect their invitation in the mail...FMIL wanting to invite every last person on the face of the earth just to make the guest list more "even", even though us and my parents are paying for the wedding and she isn't...FUN times!!!

Just stick to your guns. People will get the hint when they don't receive their invitation and you don't need to feel bad about not inviting every single person that has ties to you. If the most important people in your lives are there with you on your day, I say that's all that matters.

southernbelle0915

Carlotta2014 said:

Right now my wedding is going through a bit of crisis. We are changing our date to hopefully two weeks sooner than planned, my guest list is out of control and my mother and sister are trying to help but instead are hurting my feelings and driving me crazy.

On top of it all, people I talk to or know I am getting married who are not invited will talk to me and say how much they are looking forward to my wedding. How do I politely tell them they are not invited? Don't validate them and change the subject. Also, don't talk wedding with anyone who's not invited. If asked about it, give vague answers and change the subject. Also, how do I deal with friends and family who are invited and then assume their kids are invited? If you're addressed directly, you can say, "Unfortunately we won't be able to invite all the kids we'd like to. Here's the number for a good sitter."  We are only inviting nieces and nephews and my FH's 2 children. How do I address this? Only address their invitation to them. Word the RSVP so you'll know if they add anyone and follow up with them if needed.

Seriously, I am thinking of eloping. But FH really wants a wedding and I want to get married in my church so I am stuck... help!

chelcee22

Great advice with everyone. We are going through a similar situation with not inviting children to our wedding. Make sure that invites are addressed only to the adults ("Mr. and Mrs. So and So") and if people RSVP with their children's names on the card as well, you can call them and politely explain that there will not be any children at the reception.

[Deleted User]

We just went through this as well.  The "circles" advice was really helpful for us.  Start with the elopement list, build to the private quiet wedding list, and then extend to aunts and uncles, close friends, maybe first cousins.  Avoiding facebook engagement photos, wedding posts would have been a good idea, but someone kind of posted for us.  Pick a venue and then go from there.  The best decision we made was to avoid a "b" list; don't let anyone try to talk you into this.  It only extends the uncertainty until forever, and you want to feel good on the day.

KittyKaty20

@EugeneOnegin- what a lovely thought! I had never heard of "circles". That's such a better vision than "sides" or "B/C lists!" Consider this idea appropriated!

Carlotta2014

Thank you everyone for your suggestions! Things have calmed down and are starting to fall into place!