Moms and Maids

Future Monster In-Law

I need a little reassurance that this happens to other people when they are planning their wedding, or maybe to be informed that this is not normal and I should run for the hills to get away from my FML.

My fiancé and I are planning our wedding for this coming summer and we decided together that we would foot the bill for the wedding and not ask our parents for help. His parents kindly offered to pick up the cost for the photographer, which I completely appreciate and am thankful for. 

The issues all started with my dress. My mom and I went dress shopping together and picked out the one. It was a great time for the both of us and a really bonding moment because my father just passed away 6 months ago so this whole wedding thing is kind of hard knowing he won't be here. But shopping for the dress really just brought us together and made it special that even though my dad couldn't join in the fun we did it together and made a fun day of it. Once FML heard I picked the dress she was really mad and upset. She said I was leaving her out of the wedding planning and she couldn't believe she wasn't invited to go dress shopping with me. FML and I are not close. There are many people I would put ahead of her if I was choosing people to go dress shopping with. My fiancé tried to explain to his mom that I didn't want other people to go it was just a me and mom thing, but no she is upset and claiming I'm leaving her out. 

Then the bridesmaid dress got picked without FML being invited. Once again, bridesmaid dress shopping was a special moment for my MOH and I. We made a day out of it and I made the day all about my MOH and encouraged her to pick whatever dress she loved most and made her feel most beautiful and we had a blast with it! I wanted it to be just MOH and I because once again when my dad died this girl was by my side through it all I wouldn't have made it without her. So this was such a nice thing to do together and it was so fun and happy and such a change from the past few months that she has helped me through. FML is mad I didn't invite her. FML asks me what color are the bridesmaid dresses and I gave her my honest answer, I don't know right now. We are still deciding between a few colors for the wedding, so we picked the style of the bridesmaid dress just not the color. FML didn't believe me and DROVE TO THE BRIDAL SHOP ON HER OWN and asked them to pull out the bridesmaid dress for her and give her a color swatch of it. Who does that?!

To try and make FML happy we asked her if she would like to be involved in the making of the centerpieces. She says yes so we purchased the supplies and explained what we wanted and gave her everything she needed. We truly are trying to let her be involved we just don't have that much to be involved with. 

FML offered to purchase stamps for us now because the cost of stamps is going up in 2014 apparently by 3 cents. I said that would be great thank you for thinking ahead. But then she wants to know how many do I need? How many will each invite take? How many invites are being sent? This conversation occurred about 2 months ago so that would make it 11 months before the wedding. I have a rough guest list but it is by no means complete enough for me to know how many households would be getting invites and I haven't even considered what style of invites yet to know if they are going to require extra postage. I explain all of this to her and say since we have some time until the stamp prices rises could I let you know in a few months before the first of the year? She then proceeds to text me every single week asking if I know the number yet. I was getting more stressed over how many stamps to purchase than any other part of this wedding. 

Finally the guest list. FML wants to invite 10 guests of her own, which she has offered to pay for. She wants to do this because she is feuding with her family and she doesn't want to have to sit with them so she figures if she invites 10 of her friends she can sit with them instead. I would be fine and dandy with her inviting them since she offered to pay, but our venue only holds a certain amount and we are nearing that amount. I'm already trying to cut the guest list of my close friends just to make the cut let alone adding 10 of hers. Which, my fiancé doesn't even know the majority of these 10 people. We tried explaining this to FML and once again it's another tantrum about how we aren't including her and it's her big day too her son is getting married why can't she brag and bring her own friends? and blah blah blah.

I know what you're going to say. You're an adult stand up to her, don't let her walk all over you, this is OUR wedding. The problem is when we do stand up to her it's constant text messages saying my fiancé is a terrible son and is breaking her heart. That she can't believe she raised such a coldhearted young man and all these terrible things. We end up getting more stressed and upset when we stand up to her than anything else. 
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Re: Future Monster In-Law

  • For the centerpieces we offered to have a day where we all made them together and had fun with it, but she said no to that idea. 

    There literally have not been any cake tastings or food tastings or anything for her to go to. The photographer was already picked and had a downpayment before she offered to pay for that, so she knew when she volunteered that she was paying for one we already picked. 

    Caterer is a restaurant we have been eating at for years, so no food tasting there. Cake is being made by a family friend who has baked cakes for all of our special occasions our whole life, so no tasting there. DJ is a company my friend booked for her wedding, all communications have been done through email. 

    She will be invited to be involved for the bridal shower, hair and make up trials (I am personally paying for her hair, nails and makeup to be done on the big day), and rehearsal dinner as well as helping us figure out details closer to the wedding.

    It's just right now we have nothing to involve her in and she wants to be involved right now.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    The next time she brings up being involved, tell her "Thanks for wanting to help us. We appreciate that you want to be involved, and when a capacity comes up in which we need help, we'll come to you. But that won't happen for a while.  You're not being left out, there just isn't anything at the moment."
  • Finally the guest list. FML wants to invite 10 guests of her own, which she has offered to pay for. She wants to do this because she is feuding with her family and she doesn't want to have to sit with them so she figures if she invites 10 of her friends she can sit with them instead. I would be fine and dandy with her inviting them since she offered to pay, but our venue only holds a certain amount and we are nearing that amount. I'm already trying to cut the guest list of my close friends just to make the cut let alone adding 10 of hers. Which, my fiancé doesn't even know the majority of these 10 people. We tried explaining this to FML and once again it's another tantrum about how we aren't including her and it's her big day too her son is getting married why can't she brag and bring her own friends? and blah blah blah.

    I know what you're going to say. You're an adult stand up to her, don't let her walk all over you, this is OUR wedding. The problem is when we do stand up to her it's constant text messages saying my fiancé is a terrible son and is breaking her heart. That she can't believe she raised such a coldhearted young man and all these terrible things. We end up getting more stressed and upset when we stand up to her than anything else. 
    As in, she didn't get to invite any other guestss? She was only given 10 spots?
  • scribe95 said:
    Look I guess I can see how you would be frustrated (a little). But overall you have a fMIL who obviously likes you and is excited about the wedding. Many brides would be thrilled, not calling her names. And the few things that have occurred you excluded her from.
    Did you really just "At least you have a *fill in the blank*" the OP?
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    drmrs2014 said:
    Finally the guest list. FML wants to invite 10 guests of her own, which she has offered to pay for. She wants to do this because she is feuding with her family and she doesn't want to have to sit with them so she figures if she invites 10 of her friends she can sit with them instead. I would be fine and dandy with her inviting them since she offered to pay, but our venue only holds a certain amount and we are nearing that amount. I'm already trying to cut the guest list of my close friends just to make the cut let alone adding 10 of hers. Which, my fiancé doesn't even know the majority of these 10 people. We tried explaining this to FML and once again it's another tantrum about how we aren't including her and it's her big day too her son is getting married why can't she brag and bring her own friends? and blah blah blah.

    I know what you're going to say. You're an adult stand up to her, don't let her walk all over you, this is OUR wedding. The problem is when we do stand up to her it's constant text messages saying my fiancé is a terrible son and is breaking her heart. That she can't believe she raised such a coldhearted young man and all these terrible things. We end up getting more stressed and upset when we stand up to her than anything else. 
    As in, she didn't get to invite any other guestss? She was only given 10 spots?
    Probably she was given additional spots, and wants to invite these extra 10 guests because she doesn't want to invite her family.
  • It sounds like she handles things like a 5 year old. Throwing fits, trying to guilt trip people, tossing out half-hearted insults, and playing the victim to get attention... 

    Have your FI (not you) respond to her on every issue and come at things from a unified position. Ignore her rude comments such as your FI being a "cold-hearted man", a "terrible son" and that he's "breaking her heart". WTF? Sorry, but I wouldn't give that kind of bullshit any attention and neither should your FI. When she starts talking and addressing things like an adult, then I'd welcome that conversation with open arms. 
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    aurorajanette
  • I think that is was great to let her do the centerpieces.  That is a huge thing for a bride to give control over and all the guests will see it, so FMIL will definitely get her time in the spotlight.
    Other things she can do - courtesy basket for the lady's restroom, courtesy baskets for out of town guests, ribbon wands, and all of the tastings.
    Did your fiancé pick out his fashion yet?  Maybe that should be just a day for the two of them, shopping, lunch, etc. 
  • We've had similar issues with my FMIL. She was nice to me in the 5 years we were dating before we got engaged then as soon as we got engaged she became super negative and talks behind my back alot (we don't see her much anymore because of this). She made up this number in her head of what our wedding should cost and that it would be split 3 ways between our families and us. I'm my parent's only daughter so you can imagine their response when they heard they were only allowed to spend x amount. Just utterly ridiculous.

    She had a hissy fit and won't even talk about our wedding because it's not "fair" (my assumption is that she thinks it needs to be fair so either 1) they don't spend more than my parents because she thinks they have no money, which isn't true and none of her business or 2) my parents don't "outshine" them by spending more).

    As a result of this, we don't talk ANY wedding with her and have refused their money. If she wants to act like a child, she can live as if she's on a time-out with us for our entire lives for all I care. We're planning an average wedding that we can afford on our own and don't need her stress in our lives.

     

  • @scribe95 yes I do agree the stamp thing was me overreacting a tiny bit, the stamp thing occurred a day after I found out she drove to the dress store when I told her we hadn't picked anything so I may have let my anger about that boil over to the stamps. The reason we bought the centerpiece stuff is because we felt bad that we'd be like "sure you can be involved BUT you have to buy the centerpiece stuff"

    @kmj500- it's nice to hear that I'm not the only ones with these issues

    @drmrs2014- her family alone fills 40 spots along with mutual family friends we have adds another 60 spots. It's just she wants to add more people that even my fiancé has never met and considering we are reaching our max number of people just between family and mutual friends we find it hard to let her 10 come when I am crossing close family friends off the list due to space.

    @southernbelle0915- you hit the nail on the head! 5 year old!

    @lauderdale Pink- those are great ideas and I definitely will be using them! And no fiancé has not gotten his formal wear yet so they could make a day out of it. 

    And an update. Tried to make peace by asking her to check out our wedding website and make sure she sees it before anyone else and get her opinion on our save the dates and invites. She told us she was ashamed of the website because there's a reference to alcohol on it in the about us section (she despises alcohol and thinks no one should drink it) and she told us she's ashamed for her friends and family to see the website. 

    She then questioned how much money she willingly volunteered to pay for the photographer and what she was going to get out of it. When informed that it only includes one leather bound album for the bride and groom she freaked out and said we were getting ripped off by the price and that she wants to call the photographer and stuff. The price is a great deal  by wedding standards. She was fully aware when she volunteered to pay for the photographer what the package was for, we had already picked the photographer and paid the deposit before she ever mentioned wanting to help with the wedding.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I think it's time to stop discussing anything wedding-related with this woman-you will never be able to get a positive opinion from her.  She is going to be hostile no matter what you propose.
    [Deleted User]PrettyGirlLostapplezingMadHops21
  • OP- you were not out of line on the dress shopping.  As a MOB I would have been upset if DD's MIL had insisted on attending that first trip. It was perfectly fine that you and your mom went by yourselves.  When you get closer to the wedding, you could ask if she would like you to go shopping with her for her dress.'

    As far as the stamps, if you plan to use Forever Stamps, she could buy them now.  However, depending on the invitation suite you chose, that postage will most be likely be more than a forever stamp will cover.  If you only want one stamp on the envelope, then you'll probably want one of the wedding stamps the PO has.

    Good luck, your FMIL sounds like a peach.  Keep having your FI play point in dealing with her and stick to your guns.
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Your FMIL is way out of line. I would decline her money for the photographer. It's just going to cause you more problems. 

    The bride can invite or not invite anyone she wants to try on dresses, she was in the wrong for thinking she should be invited. I didn't bring my FMIL dress shopping, but I plan to bring her when the dress comes in so she can see it.

    The bridesmaid dress is even more ridiculous. You and the bridesmaids are the only ones that need to go shopping. I can't even believe that she went to the store, that's crazy pants.  It's none of her concern what your attendants wear.

    Don't change the wedding website, it's not about her, it's about you and your FI. 

    Since you don't know what invitations you want, don't have her buy stamps, yet. What happens if you need a $0.66 stamp?
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  • Good gravy, this woman needs a hobby!

    From what you've said I don't think that anything you've done could be considered inconsiderate. Normally I would suggest finding a way to include her in some aspect as I'm doing with my FMIL, but I feel like you've given her numerous chances and she has acted poorly in ever way possible. I do recommend letting her include the guests she wants to add, but I would stop there. If I were in your shoes I would graciously decline any money from her and move on from there. When she brings up the wedding just "bean dip" her or sweetly explain that you are keeping things quiet :)
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  • Roxielove 24Roxielove 24 member
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments
    edited November 2013
    Your FMIL is way out of line. I would decline her money for the photographer. It's just going to cause you more problems. This reminds me of my mother in law while shopping for my dress , I went my mom picked out my dress a great mother and daughter mom moment ; my husband now tells his mom our my wife picked a dress she then tells him I feel left out. I then set an appionment to go try on dress with this women showed her what my dress is she lets me know how much she hates it and I should change goes with the consultant pick out these crazy looking dresses I just changed called her son to come get us. From that moment I decided this women would not know anything about the details of our wedding. I figured it's time to set boundaries now and let it get out of hand later down the line when we are married. Good luck
  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 The Concrete Jungle member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I'm very sorry you have to deal with this. I would say avoid responding to her texts/calls. Stop involving her in wedding related things, because geez obv she is a negative nancy. She also sounds very childish and selfish, and you guys have tried to work with her so I really do not know what her issue is. I would say maybe tell her or send her a text saying that right now you are really busy with work/school/whatever it may be so you cannot focus on the wedding, but whenever she is ready to go dress shopping you will definitely go with her. I think that's the extent of pre-wedding involvement she's warranted herself IMHO.
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  • Update-

    We all got together to work on centerpieces together and FMIL asked how many centerpieces we were going to need. Without thinking I said "we aren't sure because our guest list just keeps growing and we've gone from needing 15 tables to probably 20 and I'm just not sure what to even guess the actual table # count is going to be yet." 

    Immediately FMIL gets upset because she thinks I was trying to be a smart ass and was insulting the fact that she insisted on inviting 10 extra friends (which by the way I do indeed have on the list for the save the date's to be addressed to). When in reality I was just making the same comment that I make to everyone...I imagined my wedding being roughly 150 people and we are now up to 230! I didn't even know I know that many people!

    Anyways, FMIL thought when I said that I was trying to be a bitch to her so she stormed out and left. She then started texting my fiancé later in the night telling him that if I didn't change the way I act towards her she and his father weren't going to come to our wedding.
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Update-

    We all got together to work on centerpieces together and FMIL asked how many centerpieces we were going to need. Without thinking I said "we aren't sure because our guest list just keeps growing and we've gone from needing 15 tables to probably 20 and I'm just not sure what to even guess the actual table # count is going to be yet." 

    Immediately FMIL gets upset because she thinks I was trying to be a smart ass and was insulting the fact that she insisted on inviting 10 extra friends (which by the way I do indeed have on the list for the save the date's to be addressed to). When in reality I was just making the same comment that I make to everyone...I imagined my wedding being roughly 150 people and we are now up to 230! I didn't even know I know that many people!

    Anyways, FMIL thought when I said that I was trying to be a bitch to her so she stormed out and left. She then started texting my fiancé later in the night telling him that if I didn't change the way I act towards her she and his father weren't going to come to our wedding.
    Ignore.  Avoid.  Forget.  Repeat steps 1, 2, and 3.  Send the invitation regardless of what she says and keep her square in the court with the ball.  It's obvious who needs to change.  She looks for things to fight about, and creates them when no one delivers.  It's a lose-lose.  Walk away.  Cut her off.  
    [Deleted User]Marzipan13
  • I second @mobkaz. Ignore her. And I would cut her friends from the list. There is no reason to reward her behaviour.

    Also, I would have your FI -- who seems to have your back -- that her behaviour is unacceptable, and her choices are either to apologise or to not see either of you until she does.

    She's looking for something to quarrel over, and if it's not the centrepieces, it's going to be something else.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    aurorajanette
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    She does sound BSC. Could something else be going on in her life? Just remember, it's not you. Good luck.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Update-

    We all got together to work on centerpieces together and FMIL asked how many centerpieces we were going to need. Without thinking I said "we aren't sure because our guest list just keeps growing and we've gone from needing 15 tables to probably 20 and I'm just not sure what to even guess the actual table # count is going to be yet." 

    Immediately FMIL gets upset because she thinks I was trying to be a smart ass and was insulting the fact that she insisted on inviting 10 extra friends (which by the way I do indeed have on the list for the save the date's to be addressed to). When in reality I was just making the same comment that I make to everyone...I imagined my wedding being roughly 150 people and we are now up to 230! I didn't even know I know that many people!

    Anyways, FMIL thought when I said that I was trying to be a bitch to her so she stormed out and left. She then started texting my fiancé later in the night telling him that if I didn't change the way I act towards her she and his father weren't going to come to our wedding.
    Hopefully your FI is ignoring that.  If she doesn't attend, I agree it would be sad for your FI, but it also sounds like you'll both have dodged a bullet.
    [Deleted User]
  • She does sound BSC. Could something else be going on in her life? Just remember, it's not you. Good luck.
    I agree with this. Has she shown any signs that maybe she isn't happy for you guys? That she doesn't want her son to marry you? I am only asking this because some parents will keep their opinions to themselves (as long as they are happy okay) while the couple is dating but then when there's an engagement that's when the real feelings start coming out.

    Or like NYCMercedes said, there could be something else going on in her life and she just doesn't know or want to handle it at the moment. Pretend it's not there and immerse herself with the wedding.
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  • I have been with her son for 4.5 years and we have actually been engaged for 1.5 years it will be over 2 when we actually get married. I think that part of the problem is she has decided I'm not right for him and that she doesn't want to see us together, which is where some of this nonsense is coming from. She liked me when we first met, but the more and more her son started pulling away from her to be with me the less and less she liked me. I know it's hard for mothers to watch their sons leave them, but I think this is a bit absurd he can't stay with her forever and she needs to accept that.

    As far as something else going on in her life we are not aware of anything to upset her. We live in the same area as her and are very close with the rest of my fiancé's family. No one is sick or struggling and we don't know of anything that would be a problem for her. If anything my mother and I have the right to be crazy because we are still dealing with the loss of my father (it's only been 7 months), but somehow both of us are capable of acting like normal people.
  • I have been with her son for 4.5 years and we have actually been engaged for 1.5 years it will be over 2 when we actually get married. I think that part of the problem is she has decided I'm not right for him and that she doesn't want to see us together, which is where some of this nonsense is coming from. She liked me when we first met, but the more and more her son started pulling away from her to be with me the less and less she liked me. I know it's hard for mothers to watch their sons leave them, but I think this is a bit absurd he can't stay with her forever and she needs to accept that.

    As far as something else going on in her life we are not aware of anything to upset her. We live in the same area as her and are very close with the rest of my fiancé's family. No one is sick or struggling and we don't know of anything that would be a problem for her. If anything my mother and I have the right to be crazy because we are still dealing with the loss of my father (it's only been 7 months), but somehow both of us are capable of acting like normal people.

    *stuck in the box*

    I am sorry for your loss as well. I applaud you for being so strong through this hard time. Dealing with your loss + your FMIL's behavior can not be easy and it is admirable how you are handling it.

    As for what you said about her not liking your relationship, I would say this is where everything is stemming from. Her behavior and acting out has to be because she doesn't want to let him go. She doesn't want him to leave her. Your FI really needs to sit down and have a chat with his mother. He needs to explain to her that her behavior is unacceptable but ask where it's all coming from too. Make sure he has examples so she can try to explain herself. Don't be vague to her, use specific details.

    As for the bold: Yes it can be hard for mothers to let their children go, son or daughter, but there are mothers out there that if they raised their child with the belief of them always being in their lives, your are in for a fight from hell. I know what it feels like to not have your FI accepted, my own mother has done some nasty crap to me to prevent me from being with my FI, it wasn't till I up and moved from CA to NY that all the crap stopped. Mind you she still says some crap when I talk to her on the phone. Majority of the reason is because I was born with a condition that many thought I would die from but anyways, my mother and father raised me with the belief that I would literally ALWAYS need them. It was a complete shock to them when I started trying to stretch my wings and grow...and leave! Fights from hell have broken out between my mother and I. We no longer are close because of this. I don't know if your FI has a condition or not, I am just saying that there are mothers out there that when it comes time to let their son or daughter go, they just can't. So instead of dealing with it, confronting it or even talking it out with their child they lash out instead.

    With my experience the only thing I can say is that your FI REALLY needs to speak with his mother. If all else fails he might need to tell her that if she doesn't get her act together, he's going to lose him entirely. Everything that happened with my mom and dad not wanting me to leave the house and be with my FI, I am no longer close with my family. So hopefully this doesn't happen with your FI and his mother.

    Sorry for the long ass post. Just trying to give advice on something that ended badly (sort of) for me. Didn't want the same thing to happen to someone else.
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  • This sounds just like my FMIL. She calls my fiancé daily because she's not allowed to have my phone number due to the issues my Fiances sister in law had this summer planner her wedding. It was awful. I fully understand the temper tantrums, I got one because I went by myself dress shopping. My Dad lives on the coast and my mom died when I was 15. I didnt want anyone else there if my mom couldn't be there. So I went by myelf and ended up getting a custom design. No fittings needed, so there isn't a reason for appointments. I let my girls pick what they wanted in the confines of a color palette. My step mom plans on coming out so we can go veil shopping but that is just for me and her. 

    If anyone gets it, I do. Trust me. 
    firegirl1013
  • CLI242009 said:
    She does sound BSC. Could something else be going on in her life? Just remember, it's not you. Good luck.
    I agree with this. Has she shown any signs that maybe she isn't happy for you guys? That she doesn't want her son to marry you? I am only asking this because some parents will keep their opinions to themselves (as long as they are happy okay) while the couple is dating but then when there's an engagement that's when the real feelings start coming out.

    Or like NYCMercedes said, there could be something else going on in her life and she just doesn't know or want to handle it at the moment. Pretend it's not there and immerse herself with the wedding.

    This is exactly what has happened to me. The future inlaws seemed to like me throughout the entire 5 years me and FH dated. As soon as we got engaged, FMIL immediately turned sour. When we called her to tell her we got engaged, her response was "oh". We've tried to involve her in things but she either completely shuts down and won't say anything or will find a ridiculous negative about whatever our ideas are. I agree with previous posters, just stop involving her completely, don't give into her demands (unless she's paying) and remember that she's in the wrong, not you. :)


     

     

    firegirl1013
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