Snarky Brides

Painful conflict

Hello ladies, I'm hoping someone here can offer some experience with a thorny problem I'm experiencing.  My mom and future husband do not like each other.  This is incredibly distressing to me because they are the two people I love more than anything, and they just cannot seem to see eye to eye.  They will be civil, but there is a palpable iciness and sense of conflict brewing under the surface when they interact, or even talk about each other.  Unfortunatly, I have no other friends or family member who are mutual friends who might help mitigate the conflict - I have no siblings and my dad passed away six years ago :-(  I want nothing more than to have a happy, peaceful existance with both of them, but I'm rapidly losing hope this will ever be possible.  If I had a nickel for every time I've cried, argued, or drank too much in suffering with this problem, I would be a rich lady.  Any wisdom is much appreciated!

Re: Painful conflict

  • Hmm... what happened to make them not like each other? Without that info it's kind of hard to give much advice (ie, if it's something trivial they're blowing out of proportion, or if one party did something majorly offensive).

    Without that info, all I can really say is that they aren't required to like each other (though it'd sure make things easier). However, they both need to respect your relationship with the other party and not infringe on that.

     

  • Hello ladies, I'm hoping someone here can offer some experience with a thorny problem I'm experiencing.  My mom and future husband do not like each other.  This is incredibly distressing to me because they are the two people I love more than anything, and they just cannot seem to see eye to eye.  They will be civil, but there is a palpable iciness and sense of conflict brewing under the surface when they interact, or even talk about each other.  Unfortunatly, I have no other friends or family member who are mutual friends who might help mitigate the conflict - I have no siblings and my dad passed away six years ago :-(  I want nothing more than to have a happy, peaceful existance with both of them, but I'm rapidly losing hope this will ever be possible.  If I had a nickel for every time I've cried, argued, or drank too much in suffering with this problem, I would be a rich lady.  Any wisdom is much appreciated!
    Stuck in the box....
    I'm very sorry that something you were looking forward to has not happened. Is this a result of something that has happened or simply that their personalities don't "mesh"? Not all adults like each other and get along. My DH's sister has warmed up a little bit, but I'm pretty sure she really hated me for a long time - now I think we're to the point where she doesn't really give a shit and is indifferent. I like her in general. I'm disappointed we don't have a better relationship, but I think it'll come with time. 
    Unless they're being overtly rude to each other (in which case they need to grow up and be respectful), I think this is something you should just accept. 
    Definitely stop drinking your sorrows away - it's not helping you or anyone else. If you can't stop, seek help for this.
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  • Well, is there something specific that put them at odds with each other?  Even if there is, your mother and FI may just not want you getting in the middle between them.

    Unfortunately, not all parents-in-law like the FI of their child and vice versa.  I probably am going to have that situation with my BF's mother-we are on okay terms at the moment, but she has some personality issues, and I probably rub her the wrong way in certain respects.

    You can insist on civility-that on those occasions when they do have to be together, there can't be any exchanges of hostilities, and that neither is to badmouth the other to you or accuse you of "selfishness" or any other wrongdoing because of your relationship with the other.  But that's the limit of what you can do and expect from them.  Beyond that, it would be best to just minimize the time they have to spend together, accept that they will not like each other, and stop drinking by way of dealing with this.  If necessary, get professional help.

    Best of luck!
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