The Dream Ring....please help

Nikita2013

Ok, so I don't know if this sounds selfish or not but I would love some opinions about this. My fiance and I have been engaged before and we got into a big fight broke off our engagement but we were still together. a few months later we got engaged again, he got me a new ring that I picked out I didn't love it but I knew it was in his price range so I was being pratical for him, and there is this ring that I have loved for a long time now from the first engagement. And ok I'll admit it i've brought the subject up more than a few times. I tried everything to get him on board, hinting, showing him the picture telling him that he can do monthly payments. He's always coming up with something says that he wouldn't be able to do the monthly payments, and that he can't afford the ring, I always bring it up blah blah blah. But I really do love this ring and of course I don't expect it right now, but I would love for him to say Ok babe that sounds great I'll see what I can do. That's all I want..Am I the one at fault here? Or is it him? Or is it both of us? Help please!

kaos16

Nikita2013 said:

Ok, so I don't know if this sounds selfish or not but I would love some opinions about this. My fiance and I have been engaged before and we got into a big fight broke off our engagement but we were still together. a few months later we got engaged again, he got me a new ring that I picked out I didn't love it but I knew it was in his price range

This is your first issue in my opinion, by picking out a ring yourself, I am sure he thinks you love it. . .  .it's going to be difficult to back away from that now under the guise that you were looking out for his finances.

 

so I was being pratical for him, and there is this ring that I have loved for a long time now from the first engagement. And ok I'll admit it i've brought the subject up more than a few times. I tried everything to get him on board, hinting, showing him the picture telling him that he can do monthly payments.

It sounds like it is still out of his price range.  Why was that a concern before but isn't now?

 

He's always coming up with something says that he wouldn't be able to do the monthly payments, and that he can't afford the ring, I always bring it up blah blah blah. But I really do love this ring and of course I don't expect it right now, but I would love for him to say Ok babe that sounds great I'll see what I can do. That's all I want..Am I the one at fault here? Or is it him? Or is it both of us? Help please!

Seriously though,  If you are so worried about having the perfect ring, buy it for yourself.  If you are more concerned about marrying the man that you love, and having a long, happy, healthy life together. . . . . it shouldn't matter what your ring looks like.

My husband chose the ring he proposed to me with on his own.  It's completely different than what I would have chosen for myself, but you know what?  I love it more than anything because it's the ring that he chose to propose to me with.  Had he put a rubber band on my finger that day I would have been equally a thrilled.

climbingsingle

The ring doesn't matter. What should matter is that he asked you again, gave you yet another ring and that you are in fact getting married. I'm sorry, but you sound selfish and greedy. Stop asking him for the ring. 

My FI could have proposed to me without a ring - I still would have said yes. The ring doesn't matter to me. What matters is that I'm marrying the love of my life and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him. 

clarke10

The ring shouldn't be the most important thing in this scenario. My FI bought my ring before he was out of college and spent as much as he could. He has told me that down the road when we have more money he'll replace the diamond with a bigger. I told him no way. This is the ring that he picked out on his own and proposed to me with. That's what makes the ring special. 

Also, I think pushing a ring that he can't afford is going to embarrass him and hurt his feelings. 

vmj23

 

ClimbingBrideNY said:

The ring doesn't matter. What should matter is that he asked you again, gave you yet another ring and that you are in fact getting married. I'm sorry, but you sound selfish and greedy. Stop asking him for the ring. 

My FI could have proposed to me without a ring - I still would have said yes. The ring doesn't matter to me. What matters is that I'm marrying the love of my life and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him. 

I agree!  why would you even want him to buy something he can't afford?  You want him to have monthly payments so you can get a more expensive ring?!  That is selfish.  Do you want to marry him, or do you want an expensive ring?    

ktjanesmom

I agree with most of what has been said but I do understand your desire for your idea of the perfect ring.  I think you may have your priorities mixed up though. You should try to let it go.

HaileyDancingbear

You know, I'm willing to bet you can find a ring you really do love in his price range.  I don't think you should buy the ring you don't love just because it's cheaper, I think you should try harder to find something nicer within his price range. If he's made it clear again and again he can't afford the ring you want, then he can't afford it.  I think you should quit getting so hung up on that ring, and start looking for different, more affordable ones, ones you actually like, because I TOTALLY call bullshit on having to buy a really expensive ring to have a really beautiful ring.  You can definitely find something you like just as much within his price range- Hell, when my fiancé and I were looking at rings I was aiming for under a few hundred dollars as far as the budget went, and found a ring I adore more than any other ring I've seen.  

The two of you should sit down and discuss what the budget is, that way you know what you're working with.  Focus on choosing materials that will lower cost.  White gold, for instance, is a lot cheaper than platinum and can bring down the cost of a ring.  Also keep your mind open to gemstones other than diamonds.  I chose a rainbow moonstone for my ring, and frankly I like it a lot better than diamonds.  It always seems to look like it's glowing, even in dim light, and sometimes the light hits it in a way that it glows blue.  There are plenty of gemstones out there that can be just as stunning on a ring as a diamond- also by choosing something other than a diamond you end up with a more unique engagement ring.  (Also, fun fact, diamonds are not expensive because they're rare- they're actually relatively common.  They're just mined in small quantities so they can be sold for a higher price.)

If you're SUPER hung up on that one ring, there's one thing that might help bring it within your price range.  Just buy the empty setting.  Not having a gemstone in there will greatly reduce the cost.  You can buy your own gemstone (Just make sure it's the right size in millimeters- definitely ask what size stone fits in the setting) for cheap- White topaz is similar in appearance to diamonds and it's not expensive at all.  There are a bunch of other equally inexpensive stones that are really pretty that you can buy as well.  Bring your gemstone when you buy the empty setting and most stores will set the stone in it for you for free. 

 I know it may not be ideal for you to have an inexpensive white topaz where there would normally be a diamond, but one day down the road, maybe for an anniversary gift when the two of you can afford it, you can always switch out the inexpensive stone for a diamond.  The cheap gemstone would really just be a sparkly placeholder until that day.  Again, I know it's not ideal and you probably don't want to wait to have a diamond on your finger, but that might be the only way to bring it within your price range.  

AddieCake

Nikita2013 said:

Ok, so I don't know if this sounds selfish or not but I would love some opinions about this. My fiance and I have been engaged before and we got into a big fight broke off our engagement but we were still together. a few months later we got engaged again, he got me a new ring that I picked out I didn't love it but I knew it was in his price range so I was being pratical for him, and there is this ring that I have loved for a long time now from the first engagement. And ok I'll admit it i've brought the subject up more than a few times. I tried everything to get him on board, hinting, showing him the picture telling him that he can do monthly payments. He's always coming up with something says that he wouldn't be able to do the monthly payments, and that he can't afford the ring, I always bring it up blah blah blah. But I really do love this ring and of course I don't expect it right now, but I would love for him to say Ok babe that sounds great I'll see what I can do. That's all I want..Am I the one at fault here? Or is it him? Or is it both of us? Help please!

I'm confused. Did you HAVE this ring from the first engagement? Why could he get it before and not now? If not, what did you have before?

Nikita2013

oh my god, you guys are absolutely right.  it was so stupid of me to be concerned about something like that. is there any way I can fix it?

Nikita2013

No, what had happened was on the first engagement he had given me a ring and my family saw it. They gave very negative opinions and it was my fault but I told him I didn't like it and we basically broke off the engament because we kept arguing about the ring. He gave me a new one this time, the thing that I left out is that the very first ring he got me was $25, and the second one is $50. The ring that I thought i wanted is a completely different ring, different company even and everything. I guess my mind set was that I didn't want to settle on a ring that i wasn't in love with. Because I hear so many people saying that they love their rings and I didn't feel that way.

ShallowSeas

Be appreciative of the fact that he loves you enough to get you a ring in the first place. A lot of people don't have that.

Nikita2013

Yeah I agree with that 100%. I guess I didn't realize what I was doing at the time. Sigh gonna have to do some serious damage control.

Nikita2013

ok well thanks for everyone's opinions.

clarke10

You broke off your engagement because you didn't like the ring? Yikes. I'm going to go ahead and say you might not be mature enough to get married. My FI could have given me no ring at all and I would still be elated to be marrying him. 

Nikita2013

That was a long time ago. And he and I have both learned from it.

clarke10

That's understandable, however it seems you're now repeating history by making as issue of the ring he got you. 

climbingsingle

Nikita2013 said:

That was a long time ago. And he and I have both learned from it.

It doesn't seem like you've learned from it. You're again not happy with the ring he's given you and you're pressuring him to overextend himself in order to buy it. 

Why can't you just get a different ring in a few years when you can maybe afford it? My parents have been married for 43 years. My dad bought her the tinniest diamond you've ever seen. She didn't care. They've been happily married for all this time. And my dad bought her a gorgeous ring when they were older and could afford it. Guess what - she still has that tiny little diamond ring my dad gave her. She says she will keep it and treasure it until the day she dies. 

Youaremylolipop

My husband and I opted to get simple wedding bands because we got a discount through a bridal show, and we are on a budget. Like @ClimbingBrideNY said, It's ok to get a certain ring now and upgrade when you have more money. I promise, this is not something to be worried about or fret over.

Nikita2013

That's what we decided to go with, to get a bigger ring much later on. I did tell him that I'm in no rush, I was just writing how I felt at the time and there were things that I left out.

HaileyDancingbear

Nikita2013 said:

That's what we decided to go with, to get a bigger ring much later on. I did tell him that I'm in no rush, I was just writing how I felt at the time and there were things that I left out.

That seems like the best idea. I wish you'd mentioned earlier that the ring you got cost $50, that changes my answer a bit. I was under the impression that you were looking at the typical over $1000 rings and thought that sounded spoiled. Obviously what everyone is saying about the ring being unimportant compared to the relationship is completely true. But the ring is kind of a symbol of that relationship, and there's nothing wrong with wanting one you can be proud of and that won't turn your finger green. I don't think it's that unreasonable to want to spend more than $50, so saving up for a nicer one is a great idea. However, I also seriously encourage you to check etsy for affordable rings, just for the hell of it. The moonstone ring I mentioned earlier is sterling silver (at least get silver- it lasts long and won't turn your finger green) wih a 3.3 carat gem and it cost $130. Very inexpensive but as I said earlier I adore the absolute crap out of it. I found it on etsy I've noticed that if you look for rings in stores you can only choose between really cheap rings that turn your finger green and only have cubic zirconia as an option, or really expensive gold rings with diamonds or sapphires or other expensive gems. Etsy offers a much wider price range with more gemstone and metal options. And since they're mostly handmade, most are extremely customizable.

mimiphin

Wait... What??
You wanted him to do monthly payments for a $50 Ring????
Something doesn't add up here......

mrsbanany

Honestly, worrying about the cost and look of the ring makes you look bad. The ring has absolutley nothing to do with your relationship, it is a symbol of how much he loves you.  Who cares if he ring cost $50 or 50 cents the point is he took money that he could have spent on something else and spent it on something to show his love. That in itself is priceless.  

I don't want to come across as mean or harsh I just want you to understand how little the cost of a ring matters.  When my FI and I first started dating - we were in high school- he bought me a ring that cost maybe $100 probably less. And I really disliked it, I never would have picked it out for myself and it was completely not my style.  But 2 months ago it broke and the I lost the stone, I literally cried for 2 weeks.  It's not the price or the style that matters its the sentiment behind it.  If you  can't appreciate the ring, you are going to have a really hard time when actually important issues come up in your marriage.  

Lily9911

Nikita2013 said:

Ok, so I don't know if this sounds selfish or not but I would love some opinions about this. My fiance and I have been engaged before and we got into a big fight broke off our engagement but we were still together. a few months later we got engaged again, he got me a new ring that I picked out I didn't love it but I knew it was in his price range so I was being pratical for him, and there is this ring that I have loved for a long time now from the first engagement. And ok I'll admit it i've brought the subject up more than a few times. I tried everything to get him on board, hinting, showing him the picture telling him that he can do monthly payments. He's always coming up with something says that he wouldn't be able to do the monthly payments, and that he can't afford the ring, I always bring it up blah blah blah. But I really do love this ring and of course I don't expect it right now, but I would love for him to say Ok babe that sounds great I'll see what I can do. That's all I want..Am I the one at fault here? Or is it him? Or is it both of us? Help please!

I mean, it's a little selfish, a ring is a ring and in this case you got 2.

A friend of mine got engaged, hated the ring so much that she didn't tell anyone she was engaged and made her FI return it and get one that was bigger. He did, and she liked it for awhile...then made him upgrade it so it looked better (and similar to mine actually...hmmm) that is a whole new level of selfish. Isn't the relationship stronger than the love of a ring?

On a side note, if you just want a flashy ring you can do what I did. DH and I were walking around an area where there were a lot of vintage and antique shops, we went into a jewelry store and he asked the guy if he could see the engagement rings. I was thrilled and I picked out a ring I LOVED (you should have picked out one that you loved btw) Guess what? That ring was 20k. Couldn't afford that at all....

He got the ring done in silver and white sapphire, the ring cost $265. That is in everyone's price range. I recently got the prongs that hold the stone upgraded to white gold, which was 80 bucks (this was due to silver being too soft and the stone always popped out).

I did it this way because A. I couldn't justify spending thousands on a ring I REALLY wanted. and B. I wanted a big flashy ring (champagne taste beer budget scenario)

EDIT: Nevermind, I had no clue we were talking about a $50 ring.....