Curious how others would handle this...

SR1360

Okay, so- my former roommate "Jane" expects to be invited to my wedding. My FI and I have never liked her. He knew her outside of her being my roommate (from a club they were both in). She is unkind, was a bad roommate, and we have nothing in common.

We bumped into her a few weeks ago at a bar in our old college town. She promptly asked to see my ring and then yelled over the noisy crowd, "I better be invited to the wedding!!! I'll be there!!!!" and I just kind of stalled by polite laughter and asked how she was doing in law school. 

Later that night, she cornered my MOH (her close friend) and said that I acted very weird about the wedding and she demanded that the MOH tell her why I acted that way. She has since asked multiple times and my MOH just plays dumb about it (she knows that I cannot stand Jane).

SO, we aren't inviting her and never have planned on it. If she bothers MOH any further I told her to have Jane ask my FI about it. He has a response prepared.

THE ISSUE: We are inviting our friend "Fred" who is close with Jane. My FI, MOH, and I all feel like Fred will bring Jane if he is given a plus one, which he will be given. We don't want Jane at our wedding. At this point, and when she doesn't receive an invitation from us, she will know that we do not want her at our wedding, but we feel like Fred will not realize that and will ask her to go along with him.

So, would you:

a) explain situation to Fred - understanding, good guy

b) not say anything to Fred

c) other???

Thoughts? I think I know how we will handle, but it's really up to FI because he is closer with Fred than I am.

Thanks in advance for insight!

(also, sorry if this isn't in the right category. i'm a noob.)

Jen4948

If you give Fred a plus one, you will have to accept as a guest whoever he chooses to bring-even if that's Jane.  If you don't want him to bring Jane, then you need to not give him a plus one.

I'd just keep bean-dipping Jane when she calls out that she wants to be invited.

huskypuppy14

You are not required to give Fred a plus 1.  If you are that concerned don't give Fred a guest. Once you give him a guest, he can invite anyone he wants. You are only required to invite Fred's SO, if he doesn't have one, then you are not being rude.

SR1360

thank you for the feedback! I've got to come up with a better way to bean-dip than laughing nervously haha

sarals24

Don't give him a plus one.

AddieCake

Yeah, you don't get to decide who Fred's +1 is.

AroundTheBlock

This is a fine category: "noob" or not you've managed to navigate that far!

Although it is a popular wedding-board meme that "everyone gets a plus-one" or that etiquette says "it is nice to give people a plus-one", standard etiquette actually says no such thing. It is actually rude to think of people as plus-ones: people are people, and if you ask them to your wedding they are your guests, and they deserve the same treatment as any other guest. You welcome them for their own sake, you send them their own invitation in their own name to their own home, and you draw the line by not inviting people you do not want to invite.

Of course, the one rule about drawing the line is, that couples come as a matched set. If a couple are married or engaged (or living together as if married, in which case etiquette requires that you not put your nose too deeply into their affairs and just treat them as a married couple) -- if married or engaged then you must invite both members of the couple, or neither. So if "Fred" is more than just "close" with Jane -- if he is her fiance or de-facto spouse -- then you need to decide which you want more: Fred's presence, or Jane's absence.

But if Fred is just good friends with Jane, you invite him -- with no "plus one" -- and you make a particular effort as hostess to seat him at a table next to other amiable single guests and with generally friendly couples, so that he has good company for the evening despite Jane's absence. You do the same thing for all your other single friends. If you really want any of them to have their special companion along, you ask the single friend for the companion's name and address, and send the companion their own invitation to their own address just as if you really valued them as a person in their own right. Which they are.

For that matter, since Fred is an understanding, good guy, you can ask him to suggest a companion's name and only bring up the fact that Jane will not be invited if in fact he does propose her. Because you never know: Fred may in fact have fallen in love with some charming lady named something else entirely, and the subject of Jane will never come up.

SR1360

awesome response. THANK YOU!

winelover123

If Fred isn't dating anyone, you don't have to give him a plus one. If Fred is in a relationship with Jane (even if they aren't married, engaged or living together), then you need to invite them both by name.

From your OP, it doesn't sound like Fred and Jane are in a relationship, so you don't have to give him a plus one and problem solved. And ugh about Jane - I had a few different people I barely knew tell me that they better be invited to my wedding. Laughing nervously and bean dipping and perfectly acceptable responses!

southernbelle0915

If you think there's a possibility that Fred will bring Jane if given a plus one and you don't want Jane at the wedding, don't give Fred a plus one. Easy. 

If you give Fred a plus one, it's not ok to tell him "Anyone but Jane!!!" You have to be ok with whoever he brings.

climbingsingle

No plus one for Fred - assuming he's not dating Jane. 

photokitty

I would not give Fred a plus one.

However - If you have previously confided in Fred your feelings about Jane, like you have your MOH, then you could rehash these feelings and your opinion that you are not inviting her and don't want her at your wedding. If he understands your feelings then you could give him a plus one if you think he would honor them - see how you didn't tell him who he could or couldn't bring, just reminded him you and Jane aren't friends. 

But if you have never brought up how you feel about Jane , I don't think this is the time and I would just not give him a plus one.

MadHops21

I have a similar issue. What I'm doing is writing out the names on invitations for people that are invited. That way, Fred cannot invite Jane if the invite says "Mr. Fred". If Fred has a SO, then write the SO's name on the invite. If not, then it's okay for no +1 on the invite. 

VTBride51014

I would agree with @scribe96...if anyone else gets a plus one, so should Fred. It's unfortunate, but weddings often have people we'd prefer not be there, but even if Jane does come, you will be probably so surrounded by your friends and family that you won't be bothered.