The.hell?!

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
I’m hosting Thanksgiving this year and I don’t want to invite two people: my sister's boyfriend and my uncle. Both for the same reason. My sister's boyfriend was accused of child molestation but plead out to assault on a child. I don't doubt the original accusation. My sister won't go if he is not invited; my parents won't go if he is. I have small children and won't have time to watch all of them around him in addition to hosting. My uncle actually was convicted of child molestation many years ago. But he has come to family events regularly since being released from prison. Again, I can't really monitor him throughout the whole thing, and quite frankly I don't want to deal with the stress of having these two in my house with my children. My grandparents will throw a fit if he is not invited, though. Should I suck it up and deal with the stress? Maybe assign them unofficial babysitters? Or should I just deal with the fallout and not invite them?

—Not a Fan of the Black Sheep

Wzz

oh my god. so she's an idiot?

Wzz

who is she worried about not pleasing here? i am confused.

VarunaTT

I wish I could understand the families of child molesters.  I actually have a friend who was turned out by her family b/c she turned in her uncle, who was found guilty and is going to rot in jail b/c of multiple child molestation charges.  But she's the bad one?  No.  No, no, no, no.

She should not invite them.  My first inclination is to tell anyone bothered by it to STFU.  I probably wouldn't do that, but I'd just repeat, "They are not welcome in my home," over and over.

tawillers

VarunaTT said:

I wish I could understand the families of child molesters.  I actually have a friend who was turned out by her family b/c she turned in her uncle, who was found guilty and is going to rot in jail b/c of multiple child molestation charges.  But she's the bad one?  No.  No, no, no, no.

She should not invite them.  My first inclination is to tell anyone bothered by it to STFU.  I probably wouldn't do that, but I'd just repeat, "They are not welcome in my home," over and over.

Completely agree.  I can't understand why this is even a question and that people are going to be offended. 

And her name is completely backwards.  Her family is treating HER as the black sheep, not the child molesters, which is baffling.

6fsn

My children's safety comes before well, everything else.

Chipmunk415

Is there no legal document on either of these two saying they can't be around children? Children's safety and the law trump SS sister and grandparents who want these people there. If they showed up at my place, I'd have FI run them out swinging a baseball bat, and perhaps run them over with the car.

NOLABridesmaid

Why is she even hosting TG if she knows all of this. How about grandmother have it at her house and she can invite all the crazy people she wants.

 

 

PMeg819

Chipmunk415 said:

Is there no legal document on either of these two saying they can't be around children? Children's safety and the law trump SS sister and grandparents who want these people there. If they showed up at my place, I'd have FI run them out swinging a baseball bat, and perhaps run them over with the car.

This. Isn't this a probation violation? I can't imagine a child molester being allowed in the vicinity of a child without it being an issue.

And why does no one have an issue with the fact that the sister is dating a child molester. Because that is the really Dear Prudie.

loveshine1

Exactly what Varuna said.

CLI242009

Chipmunk415 said:

Is there no legal document on either of these two saying they can't be around children? Children's safety and the law trump SS sister and grandparents who want these people there. If they showed up at my place, I'd have FI run them out swinging a baseball bat, and perhaps run them over with the car.

We don't know what happened in court. "My sister's boyfriend was accused of child molestation but plead out to assault on a child." Assault and child molestation are somehow different. Like assault is the lesser evil of child molestation. I've heard about it before when the people being charged get a plea deal and plead to the lesser charge. Case done. Next....>.> yeah I sometimes hate our court system.

The uncle who was convicted, he is the one I would see a court order going up saying he can't be near children, but the boyfriend, no. I wouldn't invite them if it upset my family.

bubbles053009 - I am sorry to hear that, but you answer some of the posters questions on how a molester's family chooses them over the child. They just don't believe the child who is accusing them. Some people hold onto that belief until they have hardcore proof in front of them, sometimes not even that. Again I'm sorry they didn't believe you =(

ReturnOfKuus

She should obviously not invite them, and tell sister and grandparents to go fuck themselves.

doeydo

WTF.  I wouldn't let my children (if I had any) near anyone (no matter who it was) accused of child molestation.

HisGirlFriday13

This is one of those "actions have consequences" situations. The action the sister is taking is to date a child molester and/or abuser. The consequence of said action is that she doesn't get to come to family Thanksgiving with him, on account of, oh, right, HE'S A PERV!

CLI242009

If it makes you uncomfortable to have them in your own home do not invite them.

Rebl90

PMeg819 said:

Chipmunk415 said:

Is there no legal document on either of these two saying they can't be around children? Children's safety and the law trump SS sister and grandparents who want these people there. If they showed up at my place, I'd have FI run them out swinging a baseball bat, and perhaps run them over with the car.

This. Isn't this a probation violation? I can't imagine a child molester being allowed in the vicinity of a child without it being an issue.

And why does no one have an issue with the fact that the sister is dating a child molester. Because that is the really Dear Prudie.

Sometimes there is no order against them being around children, I have no idea why not, but FI's cousin is what I call a monster, my FI has a cousin who has a horrific past of abusing his younger cousins/siblings and other children throughout his life, and yet somehow has custody of his two very young children. Apparently jail time makes it all better in the eyes of some courts. 

Chipmunk415

There should be something available in the public court records about the disposition of the case(s). I'd go through the Clerk of Court's office (though nearly every state is on Electronic records now, should be able to look it up at the Clerk's online page). The convicted uncle should be registered as a sex offender, right?

If said relatives were still on probation, I'd call the probation officer to confirm whether there's anything in the terms of the probation regarding being away from kids. If family whines, can pass it off as "hey, just wanted to make sure Slimeball Sam here didn't get in trouble and violate probation, which would send him back to jail" on top of the "protect my kids and screw off" line. Kinda throws that whole "you gotta protect faaaamily" line back on them.

Alternative in the event these jerks show up- arm the kids with pepper spray, and if creepy uncle or sister's boyfriend touches them (even on the arm) have the kids spray the bejeezus out of them and scream NO TOUCH BAD TOUCH.

Wzz

maybe the parents should be the ones to order the guy not to be around their children. forgive whomever you want, but i wouldn't take even an accusation of child molestation lightly. especially if it were pled down to something less. children need adults to protect them, and IMO the kids in the home come first. honestly, i really couldn;t care any less about what really happened in court. the guy was in a a compromising position that ultimately harmed a child, and i have no obligation to a sister's boyfriend. who are these people so quick for let things like this go in their own home that this is even a question to ask.

natswild

@bubbles053009-good for you, even family doesn't get away with that kind of attitude, IMO. Good luck with your future with your BF.

CLI242009

Chipmunk415 said:

There should be something available in the public court records about the disposition of the case(s). I'd go through the Clerk of Court's office (though nearly every state is on Electronic records now, should be able to look it up at the Clerk's online page). The convicted uncle should be registered as a sex offender, right?

If said relatives were still on probation, I'd call the probation officer to confirm whether there's anything in the terms of the probation regarding being away from kids. If family whines, can pass it off as "hey, just wanted to make sure Slimeball Sam here didn't get in trouble and violate probation, which would send him back to jail" on top of the "protect my kids and screw off" line. Kinda throws that whole "you gotta protect faaaamily" line back on them.

Alternative in the event these jerks show up- arm the kids with pepper spray, and if creepy uncle or sister's boyfriend touches them (even on the arm) have the kids spray the bejeezus out of them and scream NO TOUCH BAD TOUCH.

Checking about the sex offender listing is a good idea, usually those guys on that list are not allowed to be near where children live, let alone in the same home. Definitely check that.

To the bold - I don't think just anyone is allowed to get information from the probation officer? I'm not 100% sure but I really don't think just anyone can call someone's PO and get the information you are seeking. Like I said I'm not sure, just sounds like one of those privacy law things. *shrugs* I would stick with the public court records. Dig in there.

Second bold - I would definitely in some way talk to your kids about this. You might want to somehow inform them to stay away from uncle ___ & ___. Not sure what to tell them when they ask why we should stay away, but from my personal experience not being truthful with your kids does more harm than good.

Wzz - I wasn't saying I was in agreement or anything like that. Like what happened with
bubbles053009 there are some people who will not believe their own children. They either can't believe, live in denial or they just don't take the word of the child. Sometimes it ends up being the child making up stories, most of the time it comes out true. Just for some people, it's hard to believe the person you love could do such a thing to a child.

The little boy who cried wolf......it's just one of those things of who you believe in these kinds of situations. Happens everywhere and all the time with kids vs. molesters....men/women vs. rapists. It sucks that this happens but most of the time the victim is either victimized even more or not believed to begin with.